Things I Have Learned From My Children

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.

For those who have children this age, this is not funny. For those who have
children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had
children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:

Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4
inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman
cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint
on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using
a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you
get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a
ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too
late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though 36-year old
man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't
walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they
do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like
ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. If you wake up and find a suddenly green fish tank with all your fish
floating upside down, you will soon realize that your 3 year old has gotten
up in the middle of the night and emptied all the fish food and chemicals
into the tank. His way of saying you shouldn't have turned off the TV.

25. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade...true story: One day
the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to
her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying
to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the
pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon
me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher
paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One
little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy shit! A
talking pig!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

26. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Lmoney on December 07, 2005 at 04:11

Nurvz602 on December 08, 2005 at 11:04

bre on December 01, 2006 at 08:00

BeX on December 08, 2006 at 06:21

Fo shizzle on December 22, 2006 at 03:46

Kyle on January 22, 2007 at 03:56

bre. on February 03, 2007 at 05:15

w00tag3 on December 26, 2007 at 01:05

stalker child on February 11, 2009 at 07:07

bob on May 30, 2009 at 06:06