Government Programs

Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.

Dear Sir:

My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Minnesota, received a check for $1,000.00 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.

What I want to know is in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise Razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.

My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $122.00 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1,000.00 for not raising hogs.

If I get $1,000.00 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000.00 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $8,000.00 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.

Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise?

I want to get started as soon as possible as this seems to be a good time of the year not to raise hogs and grain.

Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information on that, too.

In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.

Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically yours,
Roger C. Nemister

P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese?