"Good morning, bapu and bibi jis. This is your very handsome captain
welcoming you to Ranj-Jet Airways. Sorry we are four days late in taking off but
I had to do some overtime at the bakery.
This is the ek, dho, five, sex flight to New Delhi. We cannot guarantee that
we will end up in Delhi but rest assured it will be somewhere in the East. And
if you are very lucky we may even be landing on your village! A real Punjabi
will land where he wants to, isn't that right brothers!
Today we have 12 passengers on the plane - which is a bit of a problem
because we only have 5 seats! Hmmm.
For safety reasons we will be counting all the passengers again during and
after the flight. We have a very good record for safety. In fact we are so safe
even the terrorists are afraid to fly with us! I am pleased to tell you that
over 50% of our passengers end up at their destination. For those of you who
don't make it, don't worry, our staff have lots of experience consoling the
next-of-kin. If, however, you are still worried then ask Stewardess Bubbly to
tell you about our out of court settlements.
We will do everything to make your journey an enjoyable one and even a
surviving one! If our engines are too noisy for you, don't worry, we'll turn
them off! We even make your fall to earth pleasant by serving complimentary chaa
during free-fall! And for our religious passengers, we are the only airline who
can help you find out if there really is a God!
Sadly, today's in-flight movie will not be shown because my son forgot to
record it off the television. But if you really want to see a film then we will
be glad to fly next to Air India so that you can look at their movie through the
Although there is no-smoking in this airplane, you may find that during the
flight you can see smoke in the cabin. Don't worry your good minds over this! It
is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down! Yes, we
are very advanced at Ranj-Jet Airways. Not only do we provide you with a life
jacket but we also give a free bathing costume to the aunties and a swimming
kacha to the uncles!
Some airlines are happy to fly thousands of feet over landmarks but not Ranj-Jet
Airways! For your pleasure we try to get as close as possible for the best view.
If, however, we go a little too close then please let us know. Our co-pilot
sometimes becomes too enthusiastic. Remember that guy who crashed into the White
House, well it is the same bloke!
Now kindly sit on your stool and tie your belt. For those of you who can't
find a belt please tie your nala to the door handle. And for those of you who
can't find a stool, sit on your suitcase instead.
Sorry, but I won't be flying with you today because I have to attend my
nephew's wedding. But please make yourself at home and help yourself to the cock
pit. Thank you for choosing Ranj-Jet Airways. We guarantee that we may not
always take you on a flight but we'll definitely take you for a ride!"