Two brothers separated in childhood will always grow up on different sides
of the law. The law-breaker, however, will suddenly turn over a new leaf
before the end, bash up the villain (who is the *real* bad guy), and be
pardoned for all his sins before the last-scene family reunion. (This is
possible only if he has a heroine - see rule 2 below).
If the number of heroes is not equal to the number of heroines, the excess
heroes/heroines will a) die b) join the Red Cross and take off to
Switzerland before the end of the movie.
If there are 2 heroes in a movie, they will fight each other savagely for
at least 5 minutes (10 if they are brothers).
Any court scene will have the dialogue "Objection milord". If it
is said by the hero, or his lawyer, it will be overruled. Else, it will be
sustained.
The hero's sister will usually marry the hero's best friend (i.e. the
second hero). Else, she will be raped by the villain within the 1st 30
minutes, and commit suicide.
In a chase, the hero will always overtake the villain, even on a
bullock-cart, or on foot.
When the hero fires at the villain(s), he will never
a) miss
b) run out of bullets. When the villain fires at the hero, he will always
miss (unless the hero is required to die, as in rule 2).
Any fight sequence shall take place in the vicinity of a stack of a) pots
b) barrels c) glass bottles, which will be smashed to pieces.
Any movie involving lost and found brothers will have a song sung by
a) the brothers
b) their blind mother (but of course, she has to be blind in order to regain
her sight in the climax)
c) the family dog/cat.
Police inspectors (when not played by the hero) come in two categories:
a) Scrupulously honest, probably the hero's father - killedby the villain
before the titles.
b) Honest, but always chasing the anti-hero (as in Rule 1), saying "Tum
kanoon se bach nahin sakte", only to pat him in the back in reel 23.
Usually, this inspector's daughter is in love with the anti-hero.
c) The corrupt inspector, (usually the real villain's sidekick)
unceremoniously knocked about by the hero(s) in the climax.
10. Marrying a blond is a sin. Making love to a blond is a partial sin.
9. Pre-marital sex is a sin. Marital sex is a partial sin.
8. Taking dowry is a sin. Giving dowry is a partial sin.
7. Bullying one's wife is a sin. Having to submit is a partial sin.
6. Gambling is a sin. Playing cards is a partial sin.
5. Drinking is a sin. Smoking is a partial sin.
4. Eating beef is a sin. Eating pork is a partial sin.
3. Hurting a cow is a sin. Hurting insects is a partial sin.
2. Not phoning home is a sin. Running up a huge bill is a partial sin.
1. Forgetting first language is a sin. Speaking with an accent is a
partial sin.
9. Pre-marital sex is a sin. Marital sex is a partial sin.
8. Taking dowry is a sin. Giving dowry is a partial sin.
7. Bullying one's wife is a sin. Having to submit is a partial sin.
6. Gambling is a sin. Playing cards is a partial sin.
5. Drinking is a sin. Smoking is a partial sin.
4. Eating beef is a sin. Eating pork is a partial sin.
3. Hurting a cow is a sin. Hurting insects is a partial sin.
2. Not phoning home is a sin. Running up a huge bill is a partial sin.
1. Forgetting first language is a sin. Speaking with an accent is a
partial sin.
Everybody knows that 365 is the number of days in a year,
Stephen Hawking's I.Q. and Gary Sober's highest score in Tests. But there's more
to 365 than these pieces of statistical value, as you will find when you read
that
365 IS ALSO THE . . .
Number of times that P.V.
Narasimha Rao has bothered to smile in his
entire life.
Number of ideas in Shekhar Suman's 'Movers
and Shakers' that are directly ripped-off
from Jay Leno's 'Tonight Show'.
Number of people in India who have not
seen Madhuri Dixit's navel.
Number of issues of "Indian
Express", in a year, that feature stories with
weird, sensational headlines like "Dog
Eats Car", "Girl jumps 11,463
feet" or "Aliens found in Domino's
Pizza carton".
Average monthly salary of an
employee at Asian Jokes Online.
Number of incredibly stupid
public statements made by Laloo Prasad Yadav every
month.
Total number of pointless,
green flyovers that Chennai will probably have by the year 2005.
Number of gaudy, overstated,
ugly accessories that Bappi Lahiri wears
every day.
Approximate number of Indian
dotcom companies which started up without even
an original idea, in the past ten seconds.
This article courtesy bosey.com. For more like this, please visit
www.bosey.com
Stephen Hawking's I.Q. and Gary Sober's highest score in Tests. But there's more
to 365 than these pieces of statistical value, as you will find when you read
that
365 IS ALSO THE . . .
Number of times that P.V.
Narasimha Rao has bothered to smile in his
entire life.
Number of ideas in Shekhar Suman's 'Movers
and Shakers' that are directly ripped-off
from Jay Leno's 'Tonight Show'.
Number of people in India who have not
seen Madhuri Dixit's navel.
Number of issues of "Indian
Express", in a year, that feature stories with
weird, sensational headlines like "Dog
Eats Car", "Girl jumps 11,463
feet" or "Aliens found in Domino's
Pizza carton".
Average monthly salary of an
employee at Asian Jokes Online.
Number of incredibly stupid
public statements made by Laloo Prasad Yadav every
month.
Total number of pointless,
green flyovers that Chennai will probably have by the year 2005.
Number of gaudy, overstated,
ugly accessories that Bappi Lahiri wears
every day.
Approximate number of Indian
dotcom companies which started up without even
an original idea, in the past ten seconds.
This article courtesy bosey.com. For more like this, please visit
www.bosey.com
The maharajah of an Indian Province issued a royal decree. He ordered that no
one was to kill any wild animals while he was the country's leader. The decree
was honored until there were so many Bengal Tigers running loose that the people
revolted and threw the maharajah from power. This is the first known instance of
the reign being called on account of the game.
one was to kill any wild animals while he was the country's leader. The decree
was honored until there were so many Bengal Tigers running loose that the people
revolted and threw the maharajah from power. This is the first known instance of
the reign being called on account of the game.
A Sardarji finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble.
He's so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help. He goes into the temple and begins to
pray.
"Oh Bhagwan, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me
win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
The Sardarji goes back to the synagogue. "Bhagwan, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business,
my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and the Sardarji still has no luck!!
Back to the temple... "My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my
house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you.
Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???".
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and the Sardarhi is confronted by the voice of the God:
"SARDARJI, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A DAMN TICKET".
He's so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help. He goes into the temple and begins to
pray.
"Oh Bhagwan, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me
win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
The Sardarji goes back to the synagogue. "Bhagwan, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business,
my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and the Sardarji still has no luck!!
Back to the temple... "My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my
house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you.
Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???".
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and the Sardarhi is confronted by the voice of the God:
"SARDARJI, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A DAMN TICKET".
Surinder's uncle was booked into an SIA flight to Bombay. But as this was his
first time in an airplane, he made a few preparations that were out of place.
When the stewardess came around to take orders for the in-flight meal, the uncle
declared loudly, "I have brought my own lunch. Make sure you don't charge
me for food and drinks!"
So, as everybody was given their in-flight meal, the uncle began spreading
out his own home-cooked meal. The man sitting next to him was an American
history researcher, who was curious about the food. "Excuse me, what is
that drink?" he asked.
The uncle picked up the yogurt-based lassi drink and said, "Milk of
India!"
The the uncle took out several pieces of chapattis and started feasting.
"And what is that dish?" asked the curious American.
"Wheat of India!" replied the uncle proudly.
Finally, the uncle took out some desserts. He offered some to the
American.
"What is it?" asked the American.
"Sweet of India!" replied the old man.
After the meal, everyone was settling down when there was a loud "Pooooooooot!"
from the uncle.
"What was that?" asked the American in disgust.
The old man replied coolly, "That's Air India!"
first time in an airplane, he made a few preparations that were out of place.
When the stewardess came around to take orders for the in-flight meal, the uncle
declared loudly, "I have brought my own lunch. Make sure you don't charge
me for food and drinks!"
So, as everybody was given their in-flight meal, the uncle began spreading
out his own home-cooked meal. The man sitting next to him was an American
history researcher, who was curious about the food. "Excuse me, what is
that drink?" he asked.
The uncle picked up the yogurt-based lassi drink and said, "Milk of
India!"
The the uncle took out several pieces of chapattis and started feasting.
"And what is that dish?" asked the curious American.
"Wheat of India!" replied the uncle proudly.
Finally, the uncle took out some desserts. He offered some to the
American.
"What is it?" asked the American.
"Sweet of India!" replied the old man.
After the meal, everyone was settling down when there was a loud "Pooooooooot!"
from the uncle.
"What was that?" asked the American in disgust.
The old man replied coolly, "That's Air India!"
Here are a few things that could happen:
Mohini Devi, a housewife from Bihar sues PM for 1 Crore Rupees for
sexually molesting her. She alleges that during his election campaign in
Punjab he made overtures and advances of indecent nature - he kept saying
"Hame karna hai!" Reports say she is open to an out of the court
settlement.
J H Patel says India should reduce the number of visas issued to 'aliens'.
Demands cut in the number of American engineers being admitted into the
country says the whites ('Caucasian-Indians') are 'stealing' away the local
jobs.
Sports: Bombay 'Bombers' beat Madras 'Sambars' 3 - 0 in a 5 game cricket
tournament. Sachin Tendulkar says he wont be playing for Bombers from next
season, as the Bihar 'Lalloos' have offered him 50 lakh more to play for
them.
Tonight on Zee TV: Kabaddi world series live! over 4 countries from around
the world participating in his fast-becoming popular sport. Last time -
runner ups Germany looking to beat current champions Bangladesh. (as usual,
India is nowhere in the picture!)
Fringe: Woman sues fast food restaurant chain TFC (Tandoori Fried Chicken)
because the 'Chai' served to her was so hot that she burnt her lips.
Techno: Shiv Nadar says his company's 'Khidkiyan 98' operating system
could become the de facto standard, beating Microsoft's Windows operating
system, since it is a copy of a more advanced Macintosh OS.
India deports 250 'American - Indian' illegal aliens after they are found
working in a saree manufacturing sweat shop in Dharavi.
Hurricane "Bawandar" expected to lash the Andhra coast around
1300 hrs IDT. Watch minute by minute progress live on Doordarshan.
Amidst much controversy the Desi Gay Activists open a gay bar in calcutta
called "Bar-Bar"
San Francisco: Protesters demanded the shut down of fast food chain 'Udupi'
which was becoming immensely popular with the younger generation. "Its
not just the food" says Martha Smith, a housewife, "its the
lifestyle that our children adopt with it - wearing lungis, listening to
Karnatic music, lighting lamps and firecrackers on Halloween!".
Mohini Devi, a housewife from Bihar sues PM for 1 Crore Rupees for
sexually molesting her. She alleges that during his election campaign in
Punjab he made overtures and advances of indecent nature - he kept saying
"Hame karna hai!" Reports say she is open to an out of the court
settlement.
J H Patel says India should reduce the number of visas issued to 'aliens'.
Demands cut in the number of American engineers being admitted into the
country says the whites ('Caucasian-Indians') are 'stealing' away the local
jobs.
Sports: Bombay 'Bombers' beat Madras 'Sambars' 3 - 0 in a 5 game cricket
tournament. Sachin Tendulkar says he wont be playing for Bombers from next
season, as the Bihar 'Lalloos' have offered him 50 lakh more to play for
them.
Tonight on Zee TV: Kabaddi world series live! over 4 countries from around
the world participating in his fast-becoming popular sport. Last time -
runner ups Germany looking to beat current champions Bangladesh. (as usual,
India is nowhere in the picture!)
Fringe: Woman sues fast food restaurant chain TFC (Tandoori Fried Chicken)
because the 'Chai' served to her was so hot that she burnt her lips.
Techno: Shiv Nadar says his company's 'Khidkiyan 98' operating system
could become the de facto standard, beating Microsoft's Windows operating
system, since it is a copy of a more advanced Macintosh OS.
India deports 250 'American - Indian' illegal aliens after they are found
working in a saree manufacturing sweat shop in Dharavi.
Hurricane "Bawandar" expected to lash the Andhra coast around
1300 hrs IDT. Watch minute by minute progress live on Doordarshan.
Amidst much controversy the Desi Gay Activists open a gay bar in calcutta
called "Bar-Bar"
San Francisco: Protesters demanded the shut down of fast food chain 'Udupi'
which was becoming immensely popular with the younger generation. "Its
not just the food" says Martha Smith, a housewife, "its the
lifestyle that our children adopt with it - wearing lungis, listening to
Karnatic music, lighting lamps and firecrackers on Halloween!".
There was once a Indian and an Pakistani who lived next door to each other.
The Indian owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one
of his hen's eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the
Pakistani's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Pakistani pick
up the egg. The Indian ran up to the Pakistani and told him that the egg
belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Pakistani disagreed because the
egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Indian said, "In my family we
normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and
time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and
time how long it takes for me to get up, who ever gets up quicker wins the
egg."
The Pakistani agreed to this and so the Indian found his heaviest pair of
boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Pakistani
and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The Pakistani fell to the floor
clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually the Pakistani stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick
you."
The Indian said, "Keep the damn egg!"
The Indian owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one
of his hen's eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the
Pakistani's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Pakistani pick
up the egg. The Indian ran up to the Pakistani and told him that the egg
belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Pakistani disagreed because the
egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Indian said, "In my family we
normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and
time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and
time how long it takes for me to get up, who ever gets up quicker wins the
egg."
The Pakistani agreed to this and so the Indian found his heaviest pair of
boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Pakistani
and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The Pakistani fell to the floor
clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually the Pakistani stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick
you."
The Indian said, "Keep the damn egg!"
Santa and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Patiyala to New Delhi. The lawyer asks if he would like to play a fun
game. Santa, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and
explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me fifty rupees, and
vice versa."
Again, Santa declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay
me Rs. 50, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you Rs. 5000."
This catches Santa's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question: "What's
the distance from the earth to the moon?"
Santa doesn't say a word, reaches into his purse, pulls out a Rs. 50 bill, and hands it to the
lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn." Santa asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes back with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no
answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends
e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail. After an hour,
he wakes Santa and hands him Rs. 5000. Santa thanks him and turns back to
get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs Santa and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, Santa reaches into his purse, hands the lawyer Rs. 50, and goes back to sleep. And you
thought Sardars were dumb.
game. Santa, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and
explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me fifty rupees, and
vice versa."
Again, Santa declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay
me Rs. 50, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you Rs. 5000."
This catches Santa's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question: "What's
the distance from the earth to the moon?"
Santa doesn't say a word, reaches into his purse, pulls out a Rs. 50 bill, and hands it to the
lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn." Santa asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes back with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no
answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends
e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail. After an hour,
he wakes Santa and hands him Rs. 5000. Santa thanks him and turns back to
get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs Santa and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, Santa reaches into his purse, hands the lawyer Rs. 50, and goes back to sleep. And you
thought Sardars were dumb.
Application Form To Be Filled For Contesting Indian Elections
----------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Name of Candidate : _______________________
2. Present Address
(i) Name of Jail : _______________________
(ii) Cell Number : _______________________
3. Political Party : _______________________ (List ONLY the Last Five parties
in the Chronological (Order)
4. Sex: [ ]
A - Male
B - Female
C - Mayawati
5. Nationality: [ ]
A - Italian
B - Indian
6. Reasons for leaving last party (circle one or more)
A - Defected
B - Expelled
C - Bought out
D - None of above
E - All of above
7. Reasons for contesting elections (circle one or more)
A - To make money
B - To escape court trial
C - To grossly misuse power
D - To serve the public
E - I have no clue (if you choose "D, attach Certificate of Sanity from a
Recognized Government Psychiatrist)
8. How many years of public service experience do you possess?
A - 1-2 yrs
B - 2-6yrs
C - 6-15yrs
D - 15+yrs
9. Give details of any criminal cases pending against you (Use as many
Additional Sheets as you want)
10. How many years have you spent in Jail? [ ] (Do not confuse with question
8)
A - 1-2 years
B - 2-6 years
C - 6-15 years
D - 15+years
11. Are you involved in any financial scams? [ ]
A - Why not
B - Of Course
C - Definitely
D - I deny it all
E - I see a foreign hand.
12. What is your Annual Corruption Income? [ ]
A - 100-500 Crores
B - 500-1000 Crores
C - Overflow... (Convert all your $ earning from Hawala etc to Rupees)
13. Do you have any developmental plans for India in mind? [ ]
A - No
B - No
C - No
D - No
14. Describe your achievements in space provided: [_________]
Thumb Impression of candidate (Not that of the person who filled the form)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Name of Candidate : _______________________
2. Present Address
(i) Name of Jail : _______________________
(ii) Cell Number : _______________________
3. Political Party : _______________________ (List ONLY the Last Five parties
in the Chronological (Order)
4. Sex: [ ]
A - Male
B - Female
C - Mayawati
5. Nationality: [ ]
A - Italian
B - Indian
6. Reasons for leaving last party (circle one or more)
A - Defected
B - Expelled
C - Bought out
D - None of above
E - All of above
7. Reasons for contesting elections (circle one or more)
A - To make money
B - To escape court trial
C - To grossly misuse power
D - To serve the public
E - I have no clue (if you choose "D, attach Certificate of Sanity from a
Recognized Government Psychiatrist)
8. How many years of public service experience do you possess?
A - 1-2 yrs
B - 2-6yrs
C - 6-15yrs
D - 15+yrs
9. Give details of any criminal cases pending against you (Use as many
Additional Sheets as you want)
10. How many years have you spent in Jail? [ ] (Do not confuse with question
8)
A - 1-2 years
B - 2-6 years
C - 6-15 years
D - 15+years
11. Are you involved in any financial scams? [ ]
A - Why not
B - Of Course
C - Definitely
D - I deny it all
E - I see a foreign hand.
12. What is your Annual Corruption Income? [ ]
A - 100-500 Crores
B - 500-1000 Crores
C - Overflow... (Convert all your $ earning from Hawala etc to Rupees)
13. Do you have any developmental plans for India in mind? [ ]
A - No
B - No
C - No
D - No
14. Describe your achievements in space provided: [_________]
Thumb Impression of candidate (Not that of the person who filled the form)
A presidential staff advisor walks into the daily meeting a little
late and notices that everyone has a glum look on their face -- some even look a
little frightened -- and Clinton isn't in the room.
"What's the matter?" he asked
"Well, we had some bad news, and just got some even worse news."
"What's the bad news?"
"India has detonated some atomic weapons at their underground test site;
Pakistan has done the same at their proving area; and China is warning them both
that this could lead to regional war -- that may go nuclear."
"Oh my God, what could be worse than that?"
"Well, Bill just got hold of some Viagra."
late and notices that everyone has a glum look on their face -- some even look a
little frightened -- and Clinton isn't in the room.
"What's the matter?" he asked
"Well, we had some bad news, and just got some even worse news."
"What's the bad news?"
"India has detonated some atomic weapons at their underground test site;
Pakistan has done the same at their proving area; and China is warning them both
that this could lead to regional war -- that may go nuclear."
"Oh my God, what could be worse than that?"
"Well, Bill just got hold of some Viagra."
If you are a typical, single, Indian man who lives in the USA, the time will
come when it will dawn on you that the only chance you have to indulge in wedded
bliss lies in the hallowed institution of the "Arranged Marriage". You
probably left India when you were twenty-one, having squandered your adolescence
striving to get here. At this point, you are twenty-five or older, and have been
out of touch with the general Indian female population for more than a decade.
All the women you know back home are married. This manual is written for those
of you who harbor hopes of acquiring a beautiful arranged bride.
If you belong to the rarified set of intellectuals to whom the external
female form holds no charms, and those who evaluate others according to the
quality of their inner selves, this manual is not for you. Before you stop
reading, please accept my heartiest congratulations on your self control and
ideological correctness. I am not worthy of even addressing you (kneel! kneel!).
No, this manual is for the rest of you, mere mortals, who still have enough
red blood in their veins so that you can admit, even to yourselves, that you
rather like the idea of having a beautiful wife.
Of course, before I even go about describing how to acquire beauty, it is
necessary to define it. And this is where I expect the most disagreement. There
will be those among you who proclaim, "But beauty is in the eye of the
beholder!" And you would be partly right.
If you are a man who equates beauty to facial attractiveness, there is not
much that this manual can do for you. You are a very fortunate man, for Indian
women have the most beautiful faces of any race in the world. You have a very
large pool to choose from, and you do not need much help in choosing, because
you can look at each prospective bride's face and decide whether she is
beautiful or not.
No, this is written for those who would like their wife to have a good figure
too. For you, the job is harder. Typically, Indian women do not get much
physical exercise, and consequently, if they are not scrawny, tend to be on the
overweight side. Why do you think sarees are so popular in India? Because they
can hide all the embarrassing bulk! Some men think that Indian women do not have
shapely legs by reasons of genetics. I say to them, check out the figures of the
IA (ABCD to you politically incorrect guys) women. They are on par with anything
I have seen on any other race. This is because IA women work out and take care
to keep themselves in shape. You cannot go covering yourself up around here, not
if you want to get dates.
If you are one of those academic types who have not given much thought to the
matter, or merely one of those blighters who like to ask intelligent questions
to which you already know the answers, and ask me, "But why does one NEED a
beautiful wife?" I would reply that beauty is a double edged sword. It has
its advantages and disadvantages, some of which I summarize below.
Advantages of having a beautiful wife.
_____________________________________________
a) A beautiful girl is much easier to adjust to than an unattractive one. You
will be much more tolerant of her faults during the initial
"adjustment" phase of marriage, simply because you will not have the
heart to get irritated with someone so lovely. She will be much easier to
forgive after a fight.
b) If you are the typical desi engineer, you will not be exactly Adonis
Reborn. If your wife is homely too, your child will probably look like the Swamp
Thing, or the Blob. If you love your unborn children, you owe it to them to give
them a beautiful mother.
c) A beautiful wife enhances your social stature. People will look at you and
think, "How the ^&*% did that !@## land such a gorgeous babe? He must
have something that is not visible on the outside!" You will get invited to
more parties, especially by men who want to spend the evening drooling at her.
Conversely, if your wife is homely, you will be rather embarrassed to take her
to gatherings of your friends, especially if they are all married to knockouts.
d) And most importantly, sex will be much better if your wife is
good-looking. Otherwise, after a couple of years when the pent-up horniness of
the past 25+ years has worn off, you probably will not be even able to get it
up, unless you resort to ungentlemanly and undignified tactics, like fantasizing
about Sridevi when you are in bed.
Disadvantages of having a beautiful wife.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
a) If you are one of those for whom innocence, virtue, and chastity are
important, beautiful women are not for you. My empirical research shows that,
while beauty (or the lack of it) in a woman is in no way indicative of her
intelligence, beautiful women are invariably very street-smart. They KNOW that
they are good looking, and have got used to people bending over backwards to
accommodate them. This dawns on them very early on in life, when they observe
that teachers are much nicer to them than to their less-attractive friends, when
almost all the men they encounter behave like brainless, testosterone-driven
apes in their presence, when they observe that they get things done twice as
quickly in a government office.
As a teenager in college, a beautiful woman would have had lots of men vying
with each other for her friendship and affections. She would have to be more
than human not to have enjoyed the attention. She would have played the men one
against the other, as women have done since time immemorial. She might have
dated, and even had affairs. In the process, she would get to know men all too
well, and would realize that they are but putty in the hands of a good-looking
woman.
b) A good-looking woman is more than a match for the average desi engineer.
She will twist you around her little finger and make you jump through hoops.
Things will get done her way nearly all the time. Of course, it will be fun to
jump through hoops for someone as lovely as she is. A homely woman, on the other
hand, will usually be so grateful to you for marrying her that she will treat
you like a king.
c) As I mentioned before, a beautiful woman is unlikely to be particularly
virtuous or righteous. But that is okay, since too much virtue often goes
hand-in-hand with rather undesirable traits. A virtuous woman may also be ugly,
weird, boring, hyper-religious or frigid.
d) A beautiful woman is more likely to "stray" after marriage too.
This is the USA, and the fact that a woman is married does not make her
off-limits to adventurers or would-be Casanovas. The more lovely a woman is, the
more likely is she to be propositioned by her male colleagues or friends. Ergo,
she is subject to much more temptation than her homely counterparts. Think about
this... how would it be if women kept asking you, a man, to make love to them?
How many times would you refuse?
How to go about selecting a beautiful wife.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
First of all, there is the matter of mentioning the fact to your parents. If
your parents are anything like mine, they will freak out when they hear that
their dear devoted son is actually interested in earthy things like beauty (and,
by extrapolation, sex). It is not considered good form to say that beauty is
important to you in Indian circles.
Here is a very important tip... do not leave bride-hunting to your parents!
Beauty is going to be the last of their priorities, coming after caste,
horoscopes, family background, perceived virtue of the girl etc. Make it very
clear to them that beauty is high on your list of priorities. State in no
uncertain terms that you will not marry anyone who does not measure up to your
standards. That will prevent them from goofing off during bride-hunting,
shirking their responsibilities and palming off some family-friend's daughter on
you.
Another unpalatable fact is that your mother will not want you to marry
someone too beautiful. This often comes as a surprise to most sons, but the
reason is simple. Mothers know that, sooner or later, there will be a tussle
between her and her daughter-in-law over her son's affections and loyalties.
Since women are extremely conscious of their looks and tend to rate themselves
accordingly, a beautiful woman has a psychological advantage over a less
attractive one in an argument. Also, your mother knows that a beautiful wife
will tilt the scales against her as far as you are concerned, since such a wife
will probably have you dangling by the balls, if you pardon the expression. So,
left to herself, your mother will limit her search to women who are less
attractive than she perceives herself to be.
Before you start on your bride-hunting, you should convince yourself that you
deserve a beautiful wife. Do not ever think, "But I am not so good-looking
anyway, what right have I to demand a lovely girl?" Since Man started
walking the earth, it has been the man's wealth that has been traded off for the
woman's beauty. Rest assured that your looks will be the last thing on a girl's
mind when she rates you as a prospective husband. (I am limiting myself to
arranged marriages here). She will be weighing your earning potential,
green-card potential etc. Even in this land of feminism,
"Cosmopolitan" has articles on "How to hook a rich husband"
and "The ten best places to meet successful men".
You have worked hard, and wasted ten of the most wonderful years of your life
getting where you are. You deserve to get something out of it. Do not squander
your bargaining position. In other words, do not be ashamed to make your
preference for beauty known.
How to check whether she is beautiful.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
First of all, never consent to marry a girl whom you have seen only in
photographs. PHOTOGRAPHS LIE!!!! Photography is an art that can make HKL Bhagat
look like Zeenat Aman. All too often, photographs sent to prospective suitors
contain only the face. Also, they usually have been so air-brushed and
sanitized, all the pimples and other irregularities removed, that the end
product has little in common with the original. Also, it is a certain fact that
no woman will consent to send you photograph that presents herself in an
unflattering light.
These days, in the urban areas of India, it is often the practice to take an
album-full of pictures of a girl when she gets to marriageable age. These
pictures show the girl in various outfits, eastern and western. The album is
then sent to prospective grooms-in-the-states. During my last visit to India, I
learned from an authoritative source that many of these pictures are blatant
forgeries, involving splicing the girl's head on to the figure of some other
girl, sometimes professional models. In one case, pictures of a girl's
good-looking sister were went out instead. Bottom line: do not make a decision
based merely on photographs!
Darshan
^^^^^^^
Once you see the girl directly, you can easily check whether her face
measures up. The figure is a different matter altogether. Women have conducted
more research into packaging themselves than have been conducted on the entire
US space effort. You should realize that, while you were struggling in your
engineering program in undergraduate on grad school, women were learning the
techniques of camouflage. She KNOWS that it is her looks that count. By
packaging herself so that she seems attractive to a non-resident Indian for
about 10 minutes, she can earn all that it took the NRI 10 years of hard work to
realize. Women are extremely honest with their friends about their positive and
negative points. They are intensely aware of their flaws, and work
systematically towards concealing them.
So, if she seems to have a liking for loose, flowing sarees orsalwar-kameez,
keep your mind open to the possibility that she may be overweight. That fold of
her saree draped oh-so-elegantly across her midriff might be concealing a
paunch. It it is wound demurely around her back, she probably has spare tires.
Does she walk slowly and sedately, like an old Spanish galleon making its way
across the seas? She is probably holding her paunch in.
So what do you do if she always appears in such clothes? You cannot very well
demand that she change clothes... that would be outrageously bad form. AND SHE
KNOWS THAT! One way to approach such a problem is the following. Tell her that
she cannot wear a saree in the states ,that it would be embarrassing for you.
Tell her that if she is not willing to wear jeans, shorts and pants on a regular
basis, you are probably not a good choice for her. Subtly hint that you would
like to see her in western clothes. If she refuses flat-out, my friend, you can
be sure that she is hiding something. If she has a good figure, she will make
damned sure that you see it.
A large percentage of women in India have huge hips and very heavy thighs.
This is mainly due to lack of exercise. In a saree orchuridar, it is impossible
to check for these, which is why they are so popular. If a woman states that she
does not wear pants, warning bells should ring in her mind. One way to check for
obesity under asaree or salwar is to note the relative positions of her bosom
and midriff. For a woman with a good figure, the bosom should be at a
considerably higher level. If she dresses so that the bosom does not stand out,
it is almost surely because she has a paunch that comes to the same level. Or
she may be droopy, saggy or totally flat.
Let me reiterate, if a girl has something to show, she will make damned sure
that you will see it.
One way to see how your prospective bride looks when she is not dressed up is
to ask to see her family albums. NOT the ones that they keep out ostentatiously
but the ones that they keep tucked away at the corner of the shelf. A lot of
overweight women go through crash diets during the wedding season, starving
themselves or going to professional "fat-farms" to lose dozens of
pounds, to get into presentable shape for the darshan. I know of one woman who
lost 60pounds in 8 months preparing for the wedding. She quickly gained it all
back after the marriage. Pictures of the woman taken 2 or 3 years ago should
tell you whether she is inclined to obesity.
If, on the other hand, she is a thin woman who has padded herself up to look
good on darshan day, there is no way on earth that you can tell. The best way to
check for this sort of stuff is to enlist the help of a sympathetic, liberated,
female, friend, sister or other relative. She can easily see through the
disguise and give you unbiased estimates of the interior. So, if you have a
sister, you had better start being nice to her.
come when it will dawn on you that the only chance you have to indulge in wedded
bliss lies in the hallowed institution of the "Arranged Marriage". You
probably left India when you were twenty-one, having squandered your adolescence
striving to get here. At this point, you are twenty-five or older, and have been
out of touch with the general Indian female population for more than a decade.
All the women you know back home are married. This manual is written for those
of you who harbor hopes of acquiring a beautiful arranged bride.
If you belong to the rarified set of intellectuals to whom the external
female form holds no charms, and those who evaluate others according to the
quality of their inner selves, this manual is not for you. Before you stop
reading, please accept my heartiest congratulations on your self control and
ideological correctness. I am not worthy of even addressing you (kneel! kneel!).
No, this manual is for the rest of you, mere mortals, who still have enough
red blood in their veins so that you can admit, even to yourselves, that you
rather like the idea of having a beautiful wife.
Of course, before I even go about describing how to acquire beauty, it is
necessary to define it. And this is where I expect the most disagreement. There
will be those among you who proclaim, "But beauty is in the eye of the
beholder!" And you would be partly right.
If you are a man who equates beauty to facial attractiveness, there is not
much that this manual can do for you. You are a very fortunate man, for Indian
women have the most beautiful faces of any race in the world. You have a very
large pool to choose from, and you do not need much help in choosing, because
you can look at each prospective bride's face and decide whether she is
beautiful or not.
No, this is written for those who would like their wife to have a good figure
too. For you, the job is harder. Typically, Indian women do not get much
physical exercise, and consequently, if they are not scrawny, tend to be on the
overweight side. Why do you think sarees are so popular in India? Because they
can hide all the embarrassing bulk! Some men think that Indian women do not have
shapely legs by reasons of genetics. I say to them, check out the figures of the
IA (ABCD to you politically incorrect guys) women. They are on par with anything
I have seen on any other race. This is because IA women work out and take care
to keep themselves in shape. You cannot go covering yourself up around here, not
if you want to get dates.
If you are one of those academic types who have not given much thought to the
matter, or merely one of those blighters who like to ask intelligent questions
to which you already know the answers, and ask me, "But why does one NEED a
beautiful wife?" I would reply that beauty is a double edged sword. It has
its advantages and disadvantages, some of which I summarize below.
Advantages of having a beautiful wife.
_____________________________________________
a) A beautiful girl is much easier to adjust to than an unattractive one. You
will be much more tolerant of her faults during the initial
"adjustment" phase of marriage, simply because you will not have the
heart to get irritated with someone so lovely. She will be much easier to
forgive after a fight.
b) If you are the typical desi engineer, you will not be exactly Adonis
Reborn. If your wife is homely too, your child will probably look like the Swamp
Thing, or the Blob. If you love your unborn children, you owe it to them to give
them a beautiful mother.
c) A beautiful wife enhances your social stature. People will look at you and
think, "How the ^&*% did that !@## land such a gorgeous babe? He must
have something that is not visible on the outside!" You will get invited to
more parties, especially by men who want to spend the evening drooling at her.
Conversely, if your wife is homely, you will be rather embarrassed to take her
to gatherings of your friends, especially if they are all married to knockouts.
d) And most importantly, sex will be much better if your wife is
good-looking. Otherwise, after a couple of years when the pent-up horniness of
the past 25+ years has worn off, you probably will not be even able to get it
up, unless you resort to ungentlemanly and undignified tactics, like fantasizing
about Sridevi when you are in bed.
Disadvantages of having a beautiful wife.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
a) If you are one of those for whom innocence, virtue, and chastity are
important, beautiful women are not for you. My empirical research shows that,
while beauty (or the lack of it) in a woman is in no way indicative of her
intelligence, beautiful women are invariably very street-smart. They KNOW that
they are good looking, and have got used to people bending over backwards to
accommodate them. This dawns on them very early on in life, when they observe
that teachers are much nicer to them than to their less-attractive friends, when
almost all the men they encounter behave like brainless, testosterone-driven
apes in their presence, when they observe that they get things done twice as
quickly in a government office.
As a teenager in college, a beautiful woman would have had lots of men vying
with each other for her friendship and affections. She would have to be more
than human not to have enjoyed the attention. She would have played the men one
against the other, as women have done since time immemorial. She might have
dated, and even had affairs. In the process, she would get to know men all too
well, and would realize that they are but putty in the hands of a good-looking
woman.
b) A good-looking woman is more than a match for the average desi engineer.
She will twist you around her little finger and make you jump through hoops.
Things will get done her way nearly all the time. Of course, it will be fun to
jump through hoops for someone as lovely as she is. A homely woman, on the other
hand, will usually be so grateful to you for marrying her that she will treat
you like a king.
c) As I mentioned before, a beautiful woman is unlikely to be particularly
virtuous or righteous. But that is okay, since too much virtue often goes
hand-in-hand with rather undesirable traits. A virtuous woman may also be ugly,
weird, boring, hyper-religious or frigid.
d) A beautiful woman is more likely to "stray" after marriage too.
This is the USA, and the fact that a woman is married does not make her
off-limits to adventurers or would-be Casanovas. The more lovely a woman is, the
more likely is she to be propositioned by her male colleagues or friends. Ergo,
she is subject to much more temptation than her homely counterparts. Think about
this... how would it be if women kept asking you, a man, to make love to them?
How many times would you refuse?
How to go about selecting a beautiful wife.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
First of all, there is the matter of mentioning the fact to your parents. If
your parents are anything like mine, they will freak out when they hear that
their dear devoted son is actually interested in earthy things like beauty (and,
by extrapolation, sex). It is not considered good form to say that beauty is
important to you in Indian circles.
Here is a very important tip... do not leave bride-hunting to your parents!
Beauty is going to be the last of their priorities, coming after caste,
horoscopes, family background, perceived virtue of the girl etc. Make it very
clear to them that beauty is high on your list of priorities. State in no
uncertain terms that you will not marry anyone who does not measure up to your
standards. That will prevent them from goofing off during bride-hunting,
shirking their responsibilities and palming off some family-friend's daughter on
you.
Another unpalatable fact is that your mother will not want you to marry
someone too beautiful. This often comes as a surprise to most sons, but the
reason is simple. Mothers know that, sooner or later, there will be a tussle
between her and her daughter-in-law over her son's affections and loyalties.
Since women are extremely conscious of their looks and tend to rate themselves
accordingly, a beautiful woman has a psychological advantage over a less
attractive one in an argument. Also, your mother knows that a beautiful wife
will tilt the scales against her as far as you are concerned, since such a wife
will probably have you dangling by the balls, if you pardon the expression. So,
left to herself, your mother will limit her search to women who are less
attractive than she perceives herself to be.
Before you start on your bride-hunting, you should convince yourself that you
deserve a beautiful wife. Do not ever think, "But I am not so good-looking
anyway, what right have I to demand a lovely girl?" Since Man started
walking the earth, it has been the man's wealth that has been traded off for the
woman's beauty. Rest assured that your looks will be the last thing on a girl's
mind when she rates you as a prospective husband. (I am limiting myself to
arranged marriages here). She will be weighing your earning potential,
green-card potential etc. Even in this land of feminism,
"Cosmopolitan" has articles on "How to hook a rich husband"
and "The ten best places to meet successful men".
You have worked hard, and wasted ten of the most wonderful years of your life
getting where you are. You deserve to get something out of it. Do not squander
your bargaining position. In other words, do not be ashamed to make your
preference for beauty known.
How to check whether she is beautiful.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
First of all, never consent to marry a girl whom you have seen only in
photographs. PHOTOGRAPHS LIE!!!! Photography is an art that can make HKL Bhagat
look like Zeenat Aman. All too often, photographs sent to prospective suitors
contain only the face. Also, they usually have been so air-brushed and
sanitized, all the pimples and other irregularities removed, that the end
product has little in common with the original. Also, it is a certain fact that
no woman will consent to send you photograph that presents herself in an
unflattering light.
These days, in the urban areas of India, it is often the practice to take an
album-full of pictures of a girl when she gets to marriageable age. These
pictures show the girl in various outfits, eastern and western. The album is
then sent to prospective grooms-in-the-states. During my last visit to India, I
learned from an authoritative source that many of these pictures are blatant
forgeries, involving splicing the girl's head on to the figure of some other
girl, sometimes professional models. In one case, pictures of a girl's
good-looking sister were went out instead. Bottom line: do not make a decision
based merely on photographs!
Darshan
^^^^^^^
Once you see the girl directly, you can easily check whether her face
measures up. The figure is a different matter altogether. Women have conducted
more research into packaging themselves than have been conducted on the entire
US space effort. You should realize that, while you were struggling in your
engineering program in undergraduate on grad school, women were learning the
techniques of camouflage. She KNOWS that it is her looks that count. By
packaging herself so that she seems attractive to a non-resident Indian for
about 10 minutes, she can earn all that it took the NRI 10 years of hard work to
realize. Women are extremely honest with their friends about their positive and
negative points. They are intensely aware of their flaws, and work
systematically towards concealing them.
So, if she seems to have a liking for loose, flowing sarees orsalwar-kameez,
keep your mind open to the possibility that she may be overweight. That fold of
her saree draped oh-so-elegantly across her midriff might be concealing a
paunch. It it is wound demurely around her back, she probably has spare tires.
Does she walk slowly and sedately, like an old Spanish galleon making its way
across the seas? She is probably holding her paunch in.
So what do you do if she always appears in such clothes? You cannot very well
demand that she change clothes... that would be outrageously bad form. AND SHE
KNOWS THAT! One way to approach such a problem is the following. Tell her that
she cannot wear a saree in the states ,that it would be embarrassing for you.
Tell her that if she is not willing to wear jeans, shorts and pants on a regular
basis, you are probably not a good choice for her. Subtly hint that you would
like to see her in western clothes. If she refuses flat-out, my friend, you can
be sure that she is hiding something. If she has a good figure, she will make
damned sure that you see it.
A large percentage of women in India have huge hips and very heavy thighs.
This is mainly due to lack of exercise. In a saree orchuridar, it is impossible
to check for these, which is why they are so popular. If a woman states that she
does not wear pants, warning bells should ring in her mind. One way to check for
obesity under asaree or salwar is to note the relative positions of her bosom
and midriff. For a woman with a good figure, the bosom should be at a
considerably higher level. If she dresses so that the bosom does not stand out,
it is almost surely because she has a paunch that comes to the same level. Or
she may be droopy, saggy or totally flat.
Let me reiterate, if a girl has something to show, she will make damned sure
that you will see it.
One way to see how your prospective bride looks when she is not dressed up is
to ask to see her family albums. NOT the ones that they keep out ostentatiously
but the ones that they keep tucked away at the corner of the shelf. A lot of
overweight women go through crash diets during the wedding season, starving
themselves or going to professional "fat-farms" to lose dozens of
pounds, to get into presentable shape for the darshan. I know of one woman who
lost 60pounds in 8 months preparing for the wedding. She quickly gained it all
back after the marriage. Pictures of the woman taken 2 or 3 years ago should
tell you whether she is inclined to obesity.
If, on the other hand, she is a thin woman who has padded herself up to look
good on darshan day, there is no way on earth that you can tell. The best way to
check for this sort of stuff is to enlist the help of a sympathetic, liberated,
female, friend, sister or other relative. She can easily see through the
disguise and give you unbiased estimates of the interior. So, if you have a
sister, you had better start being nice to her.
Two Pakie's see an advertisement in a window, reading "be white for $10" . They both want to become white as they believe they will no longer be subject to racial abuse.
As only one of them has any money, he agrees to try it and if it's good, he'll lend the other Pakie $10. He goes into the shop, while the other waits outside. After an hour or so, the Pakie who went to have is skin changed to white comes out looking really good and white.
The other Pakie then says "wow that really worked, can you lend me $10 so I can be white as well".
His friend turns round and says "fuck off you Pakie" and walks off.
As only one of them has any money, he agrees to try it and if it's good, he'll lend the other Pakie $10. He goes into the shop, while the other waits outside. After an hour or so, the Pakie who went to have is skin changed to white comes out looking really good and white.
The other Pakie then says "wow that really worked, can you lend me $10 so I can be white as well".
His friend turns round and says "fuck off you Pakie" and walks off.
Bhola as you know, is a not too smart kind of guy.
Everyday when he walked home from work, he would get stopped by three nasty men
and they would beat him up and steal his money.
Finally, Bhola decided that it would serve his best interest to
walk a different route and then take up some self-defense classes so this
wouldn't happen again.
He joined a karate class and soon was doing very well to defend
himself. So, one day, on the way home from work Bhola took his old route
home and sure enough there they were. He walked up to them and the battle
ensued.
The next afternoon Bhola went to his karate class with a black
eye, a broken nose and a busted lip. His instructor, shocked, asked him
what happened.
"Well," explained Bhola, "I took my old way home
last night so I could beat these guys up who were stealing my money, but they
beat me up before I could get my shoes and socks off!"
Everyday when he walked home from work, he would get stopped by three nasty men
and they would beat him up and steal his money.
Finally, Bhola decided that it would serve his best interest to
walk a different route and then take up some self-defense classes so this
wouldn't happen again.
He joined a karate class and soon was doing very well to defend
himself. So, one day, on the way home from work Bhola took his old route
home and sure enough there they were. He walked up to them and the battle
ensued.
The next afternoon Bhola went to his karate class with a black
eye, a broken nose and a busted lip. His instructor, shocked, asked him
what happened.
"Well," explained Bhola, "I took my old way home
last night so I could beat these guys up who were stealing my money, but they
beat me up before I could get my shoes and socks off!"
Bhola goes to a grocery store. He finds cat food at
special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.
The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and
will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks Bhola to show him his cat
before he could let him have cat food. Bhola goes home and returns with a
cat and gets to buy the cat food.
Next week Bhola finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of
dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious.
He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably
feed dog-food to his kids. He asks Bhola to bring and show him the dog
before he can let him have dog food. Bhola goes home and returns with a
dog. He gets to buy the dog food.
Next week Bhola comes to the grocery store with a bag. He asks the manager
to put his hand in the bag. The Manager puts his hand in the bag and
immediately takes it out. He shouts at Bhola: "What! This is
shit!"
Bhola calmly replies: "Yes, and I want toilet paper"
special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.
The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and
will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks Bhola to show him his cat
before he could let him have cat food. Bhola goes home and returns with a
cat and gets to buy the cat food.
Next week Bhola finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of
dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious.
He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably
feed dog-food to his kids. He asks Bhola to bring and show him the dog
before he can let him have dog food. Bhola goes home and returns with a
dog. He gets to buy the dog food.
Next week Bhola comes to the grocery store with a bag. He asks the manager
to put his hand in the bag. The Manager puts his hand in the bag and
immediately takes it out. He shouts at Bhola: "What! This is
shit!"
Bhola calmly replies: "Yes, and I want toilet paper"
One afternoon, Bill Clinton was sitting in his office when his telephone
rang.
"Hello Mr. Clinton," a heavily accented voice says. "This is
Bholaji. I am ringing to inform you that I am officially declaring war on
you!"
Well, Bholaji," Bill replies, "This indeed is important news! Tell
me, how big is your army?"
At this moment in time," says Bholaji after a moments calculation,
"There is myself, my cousin Herolal, my next door neighbor Pyarelal and the
entire Kabbadi team from the Village. That makes 8!"
Bill sighs and says, "I must tell you Bholaji that I have 1 million men
in my army waiting to move on my word."
OK," says Bholaji. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day Bholaji calls back. "Right Mr. Clinton, the
war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
"What equipment would that be, Bholaji?" Bill asks.
Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Chacha's tractor from the
farm."
Once more Bill sighs and says, "I must tell you Bholaji that I have
50,000 tanks, 2000 mine layers, 10,000 armored cars and my army has increased to
1 and a half million since we last spoke."
"I'll be dogged!" says Bholaji. "I'll have to ring you
back!"
Sure enough, Bholaji calls again the next day. "Right Mr. Clinton, the
war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've gotten out old
Govind's crop sprayer with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the Hockey team
has joined us as well!"
Once more Bill sighs and says "I must tell you Bholaji that I have 4000
bombers and 8000 high maneuverability attack planes and my military
installations are surrounded by laser guided surface to air missiles and since
we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million."
"Oh cripes," says Bholaji. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Bholaji calls again the next day. "Right Mr. Clinton, I am
sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm very sorry to hear that," says Bill. "Why the sudden
change of heart?"
"Well," says Bholaji, "We've all had a chat and t'be sure,
there's no way we can cope with 2 million prisoners of war."
rang.
"Hello Mr. Clinton," a heavily accented voice says. "This is
Bholaji. I am ringing to inform you that I am officially declaring war on
you!"
Well, Bholaji," Bill replies, "This indeed is important news! Tell
me, how big is your army?"
At this moment in time," says Bholaji after a moments calculation,
"There is myself, my cousin Herolal, my next door neighbor Pyarelal and the
entire Kabbadi team from the Village. That makes 8!"
Bill sighs and says, "I must tell you Bholaji that I have 1 million men
in my army waiting to move on my word."
OK," says Bholaji. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day Bholaji calls back. "Right Mr. Clinton, the
war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
"What equipment would that be, Bholaji?" Bill asks.
Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Chacha's tractor from the
farm."
Once more Bill sighs and says, "I must tell you Bholaji that I have
50,000 tanks, 2000 mine layers, 10,000 armored cars and my army has increased to
1 and a half million since we last spoke."
"I'll be dogged!" says Bholaji. "I'll have to ring you
back!"
Sure enough, Bholaji calls again the next day. "Right Mr. Clinton, the
war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've gotten out old
Govind's crop sprayer with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the Hockey team
has joined us as well!"
Once more Bill sighs and says "I must tell you Bholaji that I have 4000
bombers and 8000 high maneuverability attack planes and my military
installations are surrounded by laser guided surface to air missiles and since
we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million."
"Oh cripes," says Bholaji. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Bholaji calls again the next day. "Right Mr. Clinton, I am
sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm very sorry to hear that," says Bill. "Why the sudden
change of heart?"
"Well," says Bholaji, "We've all had a chat and t'be sure,
there's no way we can cope with 2 million prisoners of war."
Pyaaaray Lal,
I am writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live
where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most
accidents happen 20 miles from your home, so we moved! I won't be able to give
you the address as the last person who stayed in this house took the numbers
with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works
too well, last week I put in three shirts and pulled the chain and I HAVE NOT
SEEN THEM SINCE.
The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time
it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted
me to send you, your aunt said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with
all the buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.
We got another bill from the funeral home. It said that if we don't make the
last payment on GRANDMA'S FUNERAL, she will come up again. Your father has
another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass in the cemetery.
Your sister had a baby this morning, I haven't found out whether it is a boy or
a girl, so I don't know whether you are an uncle or an aunty.
Your Uncle Herolal fell into a whisky vat. Some men tried to pull him out,
but he fought them off and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for
three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up truck. One was driving
and the other two were in the back. The driver got out- he rolled the
window down and swam to safety. The other two friends drowned as they couldn't'
get the gate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much
has happened.
Love, Mom
I am writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live
where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most
accidents happen 20 miles from your home, so we moved! I won't be able to give
you the address as the last person who stayed in this house took the numbers
with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works
too well, last week I put in three shirts and pulled the chain and I HAVE NOT
SEEN THEM SINCE.
The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time
it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted
me to send you, your aunt said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with
all the buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.
We got another bill from the funeral home. It said that if we don't make the
last payment on GRANDMA'S FUNERAL, she will come up again. Your father has
another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass in the cemetery.
Your sister had a baby this morning, I haven't found out whether it is a boy or
a girl, so I don't know whether you are an uncle or an aunty.
Your Uncle Herolal fell into a whisky vat. Some men tried to pull him out,
but he fought them off and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for
three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up truck. One was driving
and the other two were in the back. The driver got out- he rolled the
window down and swam to safety. The other two friends drowned as they couldn't'
get the gate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much
has happened.
Love, Mom
Bholaji goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I ache all over. Every where I
touch it hurts."
The doc says "Ok, touch your elbow."
Bholaji touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain.
The doc, surprised,says "touch your head."
Bholaji touches his head and jumps in agony.
The doc asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens.
Every where Bholaji touches it hurts like hell.
The doc is stumped and orders a complete examination with X-rays etc... and
tells Bhola to come back after two days.
Two days later Bhola comes back and the doctor says, "We've found your
problem..."
"Oh yeah? what is it ?"
'You've broken your finger!'
touch it hurts."
The doc says "Ok, touch your elbow."
Bholaji touches his elbow and winces in genuine pain.
The doc, surprised,says "touch your head."
Bholaji touches his head and jumps in agony.
The doc asks him to touch his knee and the same thing happens.
Every where Bholaji touches it hurts like hell.
The doc is stumped and orders a complete examination with X-rays etc... and
tells Bhola to come back after two days.
Two days later Bhola comes back and the doctor says, "We've found your
problem..."
"Oh yeah? what is it ?"
'You've broken your finger!'
A Sardarni competed with a French woman and an English woman in the Breast
Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition.
The French woman came in first, the English woman second.
The Sardarni finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived
with blankets and coffee, she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I
think those other two girls used their arms."
Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition.
The French woman came in first, the English woman second.
The Sardarni finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived
with blankets and coffee, she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I
think those other two girls used their arms."
Once an Indian minister was on a tour to France and his French counterpart
invited him for a dinner. When the Indian minister arrived at the latter's
residence, he was astonished to see that the latter was living in a very grand
and luxurious bungalow and they had dinner in silver spoons and plates and all
his bungalow were filled of precious antiques and other articles. He can not
hold himself back and asked the French minister the reason for him living in
such a grand style. On asking the French minister took him to a window.
French Minister : Do you see the river over there ?
Indian Minister : Yes.
French Minister : Do you see the bridge over it ?
Indian Minister : Yes.
French Minister : 10%.
After 5 years the same French minister got a chance to visit India and now it
was the turn of our same Indian minister to invite him for a dinner. When the
French minister arrived at the Indian minister's residence, he was stunned to
see that the latter was living in a palace like house and they had dinner in
golden spoons and plates and he had hundreds of servants and all his bungalow were
filled of jewelries and costliest furniture, antiques and other articles. Now it
was his turn to ask, "Dear friend how could you afford to live such a grand
style?"
The Indian minister took him to a window.
Indian Minister : Do you see the river over there ?
French Minister : Yes.
Indian Minister : Do you see the bridge over it ?
French Minister : No.
Indian Minister : 100 %.
invited him for a dinner. When the Indian minister arrived at the latter's
residence, he was astonished to see that the latter was living in a very grand
and luxurious bungalow and they had dinner in silver spoons and plates and all
his bungalow were filled of precious antiques and other articles. He can not
hold himself back and asked the French minister the reason for him living in
such a grand style. On asking the French minister took him to a window.
French Minister : Do you see the river over there ?
Indian Minister : Yes.
French Minister : Do you see the bridge over it ?
Indian Minister : Yes.
French Minister : 10%.
After 5 years the same French minister got a chance to visit India and now it
was the turn of our same Indian minister to invite him for a dinner. When the
French minister arrived at the Indian minister's residence, he was stunned to
see that the latter was living in a palace like house and they had dinner in
golden spoons and plates and he had hundreds of servants and all his bungalow were
filled of jewelries and costliest furniture, antiques and other articles. Now it
was his turn to ask, "Dear friend how could you afford to live such a grand
style?"
The Indian minister took him to a window.
Indian Minister : Do you see the river over there ?
French Minister : Yes.
Indian Minister : Do you see the bridge over it ?
French Minister : No.
Indian Minister : 100 %.
A Western Buddhist woman was in India, studying with her teacher. She was
riding with another woman friend in a rickshaw-like carriage, when they were
attacked by a man on the street. In the end, the attacker only succeeded in
frightening the women, but the Buddhist woman was quite upset by the event and
told her teacher so. She asked him what she should have done - what would have
been the appropriate, Buddhist response.
The teacher said very simply, "You should have very mindfully and with
great compassion whacked the attacker over the head with your umbrella."
riding with another woman friend in a rickshaw-like carriage, when they were
attacked by a man on the street. In the end, the attacker only succeeded in
frightening the women, but the Buddhist woman was quite upset by the event and
told her teacher so. She asked him what she should have done - what would have
been the appropriate, Buddhist response.
The teacher said very simply, "You should have very mindfully and with
great compassion whacked the attacker over the head with your umbrella."
A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial
India. One man he passed sported an enormous erection.
"Sergeant-Major!" the colonel shouted. "Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave."
"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replied.
A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man.
"Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave," the Colonel barked.
A few months later, same guy, same problem.
The Colonel is angry. "Sergeant-Major! Haven't we given this man two compassionate home leaves?"
"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replies.
"Then what's his problem, Sgt. Major?" the Colonel asks.
The Sgt. Major salutes and says, "Sir. It's you he's fond of."
India. One man he passed sported an enormous erection.
"Sergeant-Major!" the colonel shouted. "Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave."
"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replied.
A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man.
"Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave," the Colonel barked.
A few months later, same guy, same problem.
The Colonel is angry. "Sergeant-Major! Haven't we given this man two compassionate home leaves?"
"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replies.
"Then what's his problem, Sgt. Major?" the Colonel asks.
The Sgt. Major salutes and says, "Sir. It's you he's fond of."
This article courtesy bosey.com. For more like
this, please visit www.bosey.com
"What are you doing today, oh mother of my children?"
queries papa ji. "Well," replies mum ji, "I think I'll
get some chores out of the way, like marrying off your son!"
"What a great idea." agrees dad. "You do that while I
wash the cars!"
And so the wheels of the 'marriage machine' are set in motion. Once
moving anyone wishing to stop them is simply steam rolled over! Before
long an unsuspecting couple find that it has carried them all the way to
the temple. Accompanied by a million voices commanding their every move,
they sit cross legged in total bewilderment wondering which order to
obey first.
Oh kidha, Sorniya!
Evolution of the arranged marriage actually starts as soon as the grades have
been achieved, the job secured and the Ford Mondeo acquired. For then, life for
the single Asian suddenly shifts into the "eligible" gear. Not only do
mum and dad treat you like a prize poodle at Crufts but family relations (most
of whom you never knew you had), suddenly become very aware of your existence,
height, weight, qualifications and shoe size!
Your eligible presence is announced to anyone and everyone who may be
remotely connected to a potential partner! Usually this takes the form of
word-of- mouth or for the more discerning families, the Matrimonial section of
Des Pardes! Whichever method is used it does not really matter for the Asian
grapevine is far more effective than any 'information super highway'! Once the
word is out on the street, the marriage gangsters have got ya!
The belief that "marriages are made in heaven" holds little value
for Asians on the 'arranged marriage train'. Instead, what quickly becomes
apparent is that "marriages are made by Aunty Golabo" - who has a very
high success rate! A lady who is believed to harbor an advanced scientific
method to ensure that 100% chemistry is achieved between her
"arrangements". That is, one must be a male and the other not!
Hyperactive ladies such as Aunty Golabo, have successfully converted a
fun-time hobby into full-time employment. One that is best described as a
"marriage broker". The broker's portfolio contains "you" as
the investment being hedged against unattached stock floating on the market!
Although she acts as the go-between, you can be assured that she'll
go-between, under, over and sideways to make sure that the couple reach that
temple on time! Only then can another notch be etched on the "number of
marriages that I fixed" scale.
So what do parent's look for in their outlawed son (ie in-law to be)?
Financial security (supported by the last three pay slips), of good repute (ie
no punch-ups with rival gangs), an education (minimum four GCSEs) and owning a
strong body with no hereditary diseases. Similarly, the son's parents also have
their requirements specification! Of a sheltered and easily-satisfied home (with
no exposure to MTV) followed by competence in housework, a degree in kitchen
management studies and a willingness to conform to their pattern of living!
Further to these demands, the arrangees themselves add their own ideals. The
lady looks for intellect to feed weekend dinner parties, a broad outlook to
ensure a balanced approach, appreciation and practice of sexual equality,
kindness, generosity, trust-worthiness, ...and on, and on, and on! Fortunately,
the guy's requirements can, for all intensive purposes, be reduced to one; she
must be a babe!
With so many variables, constraints and participants involved, it's a real
wonder that such projects ever see the light of day, let alone result in an
ever-lasting marriage! Nevertheless, they do and there is a sporting chance that
the two families will live happily ever after (sometimes this even includes the
couple themselves)!
Indeed there is a high probability of AM (Arranged Marriage) occurring in the
morning to start a PM (Perfect Marriage) in the afternoon. Well, there is if
Aunty Golabo got her sums right!
A monk was driving in India when suddenly a dog crosses the road. The car hit
and killed the dog. The monk looked around and seeing a temple, went to knock on
the door. A monk opened the door. The first monk said: "I'm terribly sorry,
but my karma ran over your dogma."
and killed the dog. The monk looked around and seeing a temple, went to knock on
the door. A monk opened the door. The first monk said: "I'm terribly sorry,
but my karma ran over your dogma."
After making a trip of South India, Santa Singh, his wife and his son were
returning to Punjab in Tamilnadu Express.
Santa Singh was occupying the lower berth, his wife the middle berth and his
son the top most berth in the train. When the train stopped at one of the
stations on the way back the son requested Santa Singh to bring him a cup of
Ice cream to which Santa readily agreed. When Santa and his son returned they
found that a South Indian who couldn't understand Hindi had occupied his son's
berth.
Outraged, Santa Singh called the TT and asked him to help. TT requested that
he could not understand Hindi/Punjabi so it would be better if Santa Singh
explained the whole situation to him in English.
Santa Singh explained, "That man sleeping on top of my wife is not giving
birth to my child."
returning to Punjab in Tamilnadu Express.
Santa Singh was occupying the lower berth, his wife the middle berth and his
son the top most berth in the train. When the train stopped at one of the
stations on the way back the son requested Santa Singh to bring him a cup of
Ice cream to which Santa readily agreed. When Santa and his son returned they
found that a South Indian who couldn't understand Hindi had occupied his son's
berth.
Outraged, Santa Singh called the TT and asked him to help. TT requested that
he could not understand Hindi/Punjabi so it would be better if Santa Singh
explained the whole situation to him in English.
Santa Singh explained, "That man sleeping on top of my wife is not giving
birth to my child."
An elderly Punjabi admitted to the intensive care department of a hospital
requested that he take lessons in French. The doctor was puzzled and asked him
why.
"Well, French is the language of heaven," he sighed. "I want
to be able to communicate with everyone in heaven if I die."
"But how are you so sure that you will end up in heaven? You might go to
hell. What good will French do you then?" asked the doctor.
"That will no problem. I am fluent in Punjabi."
requested that he take lessons in French. The doctor was puzzled and asked him
why.
"Well, French is the language of heaven," he sighed. "I want
to be able to communicate with everyone in heaven if I die."
"But how are you so sure that you will end up in heaven? You might go to
hell. What good will French do you then?" asked the doctor.
"That will no problem. I am fluent in Punjabi."
Son : Pop... what is the
Ramayan stuff that all my friends in school talk about..
Pop : So, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked
him. But, like, his step mom, or somethin', was kind of a bitch, and she
forced her husband to, like, you know, send this cool dude, he was Ram, to some
national forest or reserve or somethin'.
Since he was going, for like, somethin'
like more than 10 years or so, he decided to take his wife and his bro along.
You know... so that they could all chill out together. But dude, the
forest was reeeeeeal scary shit, really man, they had monkeys and devils and
shit like that.
But this dude, Ram, kicked their ass with darts, bows and
arrows, so it was fine. But then some bad boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up his babe (Sita) and lures her away to his hood. And boy, were
our man, and his bro Lakshman, pissed! And you don't piss this son-of-a-gunz
'coz, he just kicks ass and like, all the gods were with him.
So anyways,
you don't mess with gods. So, Ram and his bro get an army of monkeys.
Dude, don't ask me how they trained the damn monkeys, just go along with me,
OK. So, Ram, Lakhs, and their monkeys whip this gansta's ass in his own
hood. Anyways, by now, their time's up in the forest and anyways, it gets
kinda boring. You know no TVs or malls or shit like that. So, they decided to hitch back home. He, his bro and the wife are back home.
People thought, well, you know, at least they deserve somethin' nice and they
didn't have any bars and clubs in those days. So they couldn't take them
out for a drink, so the people decided to smoke. And they also had some
lamps, they lit the lamps too. So it was pretty cooool... you know with
all those fireworks really, they had some local band play along with the
fireworks, and you know what, dude, that was the very first, no kidding, that was
the very first musical-synchronized fireworks. You know, like the 4th of
the July stuff, but just more cooler and stuff, you know.
And, so dude,
that was how, like, this festival started. Cool!!! Diwali Rocks
Maaaan! Got it...
Ramayan stuff that all my friends in school talk about..
Pop : So, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked
him. But, like, his step mom, or somethin', was kind of a bitch, and she
forced her husband to, like, you know, send this cool dude, he was Ram, to some
national forest or reserve or somethin'.
Since he was going, for like, somethin'
like more than 10 years or so, he decided to take his wife and his bro along.
You know... so that they could all chill out together. But dude, the
forest was reeeeeeal scary shit, really man, they had monkeys and devils and
shit like that.
But this dude, Ram, kicked their ass with darts, bows and
arrows, so it was fine. But then some bad boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up his babe (Sita) and lures her away to his hood. And boy, were
our man, and his bro Lakshman, pissed! And you don't piss this son-of-a-gunz
'coz, he just kicks ass and like, all the gods were with him.
So anyways,
you don't mess with gods. So, Ram and his bro get an army of monkeys.
Dude, don't ask me how they trained the damn monkeys, just go along with me,
OK. So, Ram, Lakhs, and their monkeys whip this gansta's ass in his own
hood. Anyways, by now, their time's up in the forest and anyways, it gets
kinda boring. You know no TVs or malls or shit like that. So, they decided to hitch back home. He, his bro and the wife are back home.
People thought, well, you know, at least they deserve somethin' nice and they
didn't have any bars and clubs in those days. So they couldn't take them
out for a drink, so the people decided to smoke. And they also had some
lamps, they lit the lamps too. So it was pretty cooool... you know with
all those fireworks really, they had some local band play along with the
fireworks, and you know what, dude, that was the very first, no kidding, that was
the very first musical-synchronized fireworks. You know, like the 4th of
the July stuff, but just more cooler and stuff, you know.
And, so dude,
that was how, like, this festival started. Cool!!! Diwali Rocks
Maaaan! Got it...
Mr Harpreet Singh Gulati is traveling from Moscow to Turban Pore [Capital of
Khalistan] by Kithe Pacific.
Seated besides him is Gary Kasparov. Gary asks him whether he would like to
play chess to kill time.
Gulati : "Oye Gar(r)y. You think I don't know who U are?. I can't
compete with a world champion"
Gary : "How about if I play left handed ?"
Gulati : [Think.. Think..] "OK!"
Gulati is demolished in 4 moves... and is very upset through-out the rest of
the journey. On landing he meets his friend Manpreet Singh.
Gulati : Hey! U know what! I played Chess with Gary Kasparov and he defeated
me in spite of him playing left-handed...
Manpreet : Oye ullu-de pathey!! He sure did fool you!! U know what!! Gary IS
LEFT-HANDED!!
Khalistan] by Kithe Pacific.
Seated besides him is Gary Kasparov. Gary asks him whether he would like to
play chess to kill time.
Gulati : "Oye Gar(r)y. You think I don't know who U are?. I can't
compete with a world champion"
Gary : "How about if I play left handed ?"
Gulati : [Think.. Think..] "OK!"
Gulati is demolished in 4 moves... and is very upset through-out the rest of
the journey. On landing he meets his friend Manpreet Singh.
Gulati : Hey! U know what! I played Chess with Gary Kasparov and he defeated
me in spite of him playing left-handed...
Manpreet : Oye ullu-de pathey!! He sure did fool you!! U know what!! Gary IS
LEFT-HANDED!!
There came a big flood, and the water around Bhola's house was rising
steadily..
Bhola was standing on the porch, watching water rising all around him, when a
man in a boat came along and called to Bhola, "Get in the boat and I'll get
you out of here. Bhola replied, "No thanks, God will save me."
Bhola went into the house, and the water was starting to pour in. So, he went
up to the second floor.
As he looked out, another man in a boat came along, and he called to Bhola,
"Get in the boat and I'll get you out of here."
Again, Bhola replied, "No thanks. God will save me."
The water kept rising. So, Bhola got out onto the roof.
A helicopter flew over, and the pilot called down to Bhola, "I'll drop
you a rope,grab onto it, and I'll get you out of here."
Again Bhola replied, "No thanks. God will save me."
The water rose and rose, and soon nearly covered the whole house. Bhola fell
in, and drowned.
When he arrived in Heaven, he saw God, and asked Him, "Why didn't you
save me from that terrible flood? Did I not show you my faith?"
With a loving but irritated tone God replied, "What more would you have
me do? I sent people in two boats and a helicopter?"
steadily..
Bhola was standing on the porch, watching water rising all around him, when a
man in a boat came along and called to Bhola, "Get in the boat and I'll get
you out of here. Bhola replied, "No thanks, God will save me."
Bhola went into the house, and the water was starting to pour in. So, he went
up to the second floor.
As he looked out, another man in a boat came along, and he called to Bhola,
"Get in the boat and I'll get you out of here."
Again, Bhola replied, "No thanks. God will save me."
The water kept rising. So, Bhola got out onto the roof.
A helicopter flew over, and the pilot called down to Bhola, "I'll drop
you a rope,grab onto it, and I'll get you out of here."
Again Bhola replied, "No thanks. God will save me."
The water rose and rose, and soon nearly covered the whole house. Bhola fell
in, and drowned.
When he arrived in Heaven, he saw God, and asked Him, "Why didn't you
save me from that terrible flood? Did I not show you my faith?"
With a loving but irritated tone God replied, "What more would you have
me do? I sent people in two boats and a helicopter?"
Gujarat Engineering & Medical Entrance Exam
Time Limit: 3 Weeks
1. What language is spoken in Tamil Nadu ?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular
reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the
first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or
(d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope?
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic (check only one)
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on
the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in India's far north called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners
9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton
10. Six kings of India have been called Akbar , the last one being Akbar the
Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's
(b) a 7-11
(c) Canada
(d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes
(b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The "Jana Gana Mana " is the National Anthem for what
country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR-spell your
name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of India produces the most oranges?
(a) Gujarat
(b) Russia
(c) Canada
(d) Pakistan
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you
have?
19. What does AIR (All India Radio) stand for?
20. The University of Chandigarh tradition for efficiency began when
(approximately)?
(a) B.C.
(b) A.D.
(c) still waiting *You must answer at least three questions correctly to
qualify*
Time Limit: 3 Weeks
1. What language is spoken in Tamil Nadu ?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular
reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the
first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or
(d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope?
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic (check only one)
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on
the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in India's far north called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners
9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton
10. Six kings of India have been called Akbar , the last one being Akbar the
Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's
(b) a 7-11
(c) Canada
(d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes
(b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The "Jana Gana Mana " is the National Anthem for what
country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR-spell your
name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of India produces the most oranges?
(a) Gujarat
(b) Russia
(c) Canada
(d) Pakistan
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you
have?
19. What does AIR (All India Radio) stand for?
20. The University of Chandigarh tradition for efficiency began when
(approximately)?
(a) B.C.
(b) A.D.
(c) still waiting *You must answer at least three questions correctly to
qualify*
How does a Gulti commute office 40 miles away?
He walks all the way because he wants to get a good resale value for his car.
Why does a Gulti wish for rain?
Because he gets a free car wash.
How does a Gulti wash clean his cloth and carpet?
He stuffs both together into washing machine to save few pennies.
Why does computer books in book stores get a Gulti smell?
Because those books were returned by a gulti after 30 days free trial.
Gyani Zail Singh went to the US & had a meeting
with Reagan. Reagan said, "I want to show you the advancement in
technology in USA. Come with me."
Reagan takes him in a deep forest and says. "Dig the ground."
Zail Singh digs.
Reagan says, "More, more, more..."
Zail Singh has now reached a 100 feet.
Reagan says, "So now, did you find anything?"
Zail Singh, "I got a wire!"
Reagan says, "You see, it shows that even 200 years ago we used to have
telephones!"
Zail Singh was very frustrated and he invited Reagan to India.
In India GyaniJi says, "Now I want to show you the advancement in
India!"
He takes Reagan to a forest and asks him to dig.
After some time GyaniJi says, "More. .. more... more!"
Reagan has now reached almost 400 feet.
Zail Singh says, "Find anything?"
Reagan tries but finds nothing, "Nothing here!"
GyaniJi says, "You see even 400 years ago we had gone WIRELESS!"
with Reagan. Reagan said, "I want to show you the advancement in
technology in USA. Come with me."
Reagan takes him in a deep forest and says. "Dig the ground."
Zail Singh digs.
Reagan says, "More, more, more..."
Zail Singh has now reached a 100 feet.
Reagan says, "So now, did you find anything?"
Zail Singh, "I got a wire!"
Reagan says, "You see, it shows that even 200 years ago we used to have
telephones!"
Zail Singh was very frustrated and he invited Reagan to India.
In India GyaniJi says, "Now I want to show you the advancement in
India!"
He takes Reagan to a forest and asks him to dig.
After some time GyaniJi says, "More. .. more... more!"
Reagan has now reached almost 400 feet.
Zail Singh says, "Find anything?"
Reagan tries but finds nothing, "Nothing here!"
GyaniJi says, "You see even 400 years ago we had gone WIRELESS!"
Singh stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a
complaint!"
"Yes, sir?"
"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
"What was wrong with it?"
"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"
The librarian nodded and said, "Ahh. So you must be the person who took
our phone book."
Hodgee comes to the United States from India, and he's only here a few months when he becomes very ill. He goes to doctor after doctor, but none of them can help him. Finally, he goes to an Indian doctor.
The doctor says, "Take dis bucket, go into de other room, shit in de bucket, piss on de shit, and then put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."
Hodgee takes the bucket, goes into the other room, shits in the bucket, pisses on the shit, bends over, and breathes in the fumes for ten minutes.
Then he comes back to the doctor and says, "It worked. I feel terrific. What was it?"
The doctor says, "You were homesick."
The doctor says, "Take dis bucket, go into de other room, shit in de bucket, piss on de shit, and then put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."
Hodgee takes the bucket, goes into the other room, shits in the bucket, pisses on the shit, bends over, and breathes in the fumes for ten minutes.
Then he comes back to the doctor and says, "It worked. I feel terrific. What was it?"
The doctor says, "You were homesick."
The Scene: The Girl is a 23 year old investment banker working in New York.
The Boy is doing his residency in Boston and was given her number by his mother,
who is a friend of the Girl's aunt's brother-in-law's cousin's uncle's wife in
Chicago.
Monday night, 10 pm
Girl: Hello?
Boy: (Shit, she's home!) Umm, hi! Is this ---?
Girl: Speaking.
Boy: My name is ---. I don't know if you know who I am- (God, what if she
doesn't know who I am? I'll sound like a complete idiot.) Hell, I already sound
like a complete idiot. I don't even know why I'm doing this!)
Girl: Oh, you live in Boston, right?
Boy: Yeah. (Ok, she was told about me, that's a fucking relief. I wonder what
she was told - "He's a resident, tall, and fair, and he graduated from Ivy
League school!" God, she probably hates me already!)
Girl: Yeah, my mother mentioned you had my number. (I can't believe he
actually called!)
Boy: So, how are you? Oh yeah, that's real original, but what the hell else I
am supposed to say- Umm, hi, I don't know you, but do you want to be
wife?)
Girl: I'm fine. And you? (Ok, this is off to a great fucking start)
Boy: I'm good. (Ok, think, think!) So, I heard you're an investment banker?
(Oh, that's a real winner. Now I can be a bad conversationalist and an
idiot!)
Girl: Yes.
Boy: (Ok, she is not helping me at all!) Where do you work?
Girl: Merrill Lynch.
Boy: Hey, that's a great firm! (I sound like a complete moron. I should just
hang up except my mother would somehow find out and kill me!)
Girl: Yeah, it's a nice place to work. (God, this guy sounds like a complete
loser)
Boy: So...(Stall ,stall!)
Girl: So you're doing your residency in cardiology? (Like my mom didn't tell
me that 500 times already!)
Boy: (Ok, I can handle this...) Yeah, I'm in my second year. (Alright, now
say something else, but what do I say? Do you drink and have sex? Cause if you
want to marry me, you can't be one of those goody goody South Asian girls who
think if they kiss a guy they've practically gone all the way) So, what do you
like to do in your free time?
Girl: (Umm... get wasted...) Oh, you know, hang out with my friends, go to
movies.
Boy: Where do you like to hang out in NY?
Girl: (Shit, what am I supposed to say? This guy could be some religious
freak! I can't say bars - I'll say clubs, you can go to clubs and not drink...)
Oh, sometimes we go to the movies, or there's a couple clubs that are good...
(That was good, I made it sound like I like clubs, but I'm not really into
them...)
Boy: (Ok, she goes to clubs, that's a good sign. If she was really religious
she wouldn't do that.) Yeah? I like to dance also.
Girl: (He likes to dance- that's a good sign. He can't be that stiff!) So
where do you hang out in Boston?
Boy: (Should I say it- alright, I'll say it, what the hell!) Umm, the same,
bars, clubs, stuff like that.
Girl: (He said bars! So he probably drinks. Good sign. I should explore this
further...) Are there any good bars in Boston?
Boy: Yeah, there are some nice ones, I mean, I'm not a huge drinker, but I
like having a good time. (Ok, that gives the impression of someone who enjoys
drinking but is not an alcoholic - pretty good, if I do say so myself!)
Girl: (That sounds really positive. This guy sounds kind of cool. But if he's
so cool why is he calling me? Shouldn't he have a girlfriend? Or not need to
call random girls his mother tells him about? God, what if he's completely ugly?
Or has never been kissed?) Yeah, me too. Although I hope my parents never find
out.
Boy: Yeah. I know exactly what you mean. (I wonder if she's butt)
Girl: (Ok, so he didn't freak out at the living a double life reference-
another good sign. I just wish I knew what he looked like...) So...
Boy: (Or she could be really fat with a huge mustache. Well, there's only one
way to find out!) So, I know this sounds a little crazy, but I'm visiting some
friends in NYC next weekend and I wonder if you'd want to get together for
coffee sometime.
Girl: (Coffee. That's totally safe. If he's totally nasty I can have a quick
espresso and run like hell!) Yeah, that sounds great.
Boy: (Alright that went pretty well. Coffee's pretty harmless. And who knows,
maybe she'll be cool. Now I have to get the hell out of this conversation...) So
I have your e-mail, should I just e-mail you soon and we can figure it
out?
Girl: (E-mail is sooo much better than the phone. Thank God for e-mail!)
Yeah, just e-mail, I check it all the time at work, so- (God, this is getting
painful)
Boy: Alright, I'll e-mail you soon. (Meaning in two days cause I don't want
to look too desperate, but at the same time I don't want to look like I'm trying
not to look too desperate)
Girl: Coo
The Boy is doing his residency in Boston and was given her number by his mother,
who is a friend of the Girl's aunt's brother-in-law's cousin's uncle's wife in
Chicago.
Monday night, 10 pm
Girl: Hello?
Boy: (Shit, she's home!) Umm, hi! Is this ---?
Girl: Speaking.
Boy: My name is ---. I don't know if you know who I am- (God, what if she
doesn't know who I am? I'll sound like a complete idiot.) Hell, I already sound
like a complete idiot. I don't even know why I'm doing this!)
Girl: Oh, you live in Boston, right?
Boy: Yeah. (Ok, she was told about me, that's a fucking relief. I wonder what
she was told - "He's a resident, tall, and fair, and he graduated from Ivy
League school!" God, she probably hates me already!)
Girl: Yeah, my mother mentioned you had my number. (I can't believe he
actually called!)
Boy: So, how are you? Oh yeah, that's real original, but what the hell else I
am supposed to say- Umm, hi, I don't know you, but do you want to be
wife?)
Girl: I'm fine. And you? (Ok, this is off to a great fucking start)
Boy: I'm good. (Ok, think, think!) So, I heard you're an investment banker?
(Oh, that's a real winner. Now I can be a bad conversationalist and an
idiot!)
Girl: Yes.
Boy: (Ok, she is not helping me at all!) Where do you work?
Girl: Merrill Lynch.
Boy: Hey, that's a great firm! (I sound like a complete moron. I should just
hang up except my mother would somehow find out and kill me!)
Girl: Yeah, it's a nice place to work. (God, this guy sounds like a complete
loser)
Boy: So...(Stall ,stall!)
Girl: So you're doing your residency in cardiology? (Like my mom didn't tell
me that 500 times already!)
Boy: (Ok, I can handle this...) Yeah, I'm in my second year. (Alright, now
say something else, but what do I say? Do you drink and have sex? Cause if you
want to marry me, you can't be one of those goody goody South Asian girls who
think if they kiss a guy they've practically gone all the way) So, what do you
like to do in your free time?
Girl: (Umm... get wasted...) Oh, you know, hang out with my friends, go to
movies.
Boy: Where do you like to hang out in NY?
Girl: (Shit, what am I supposed to say? This guy could be some religious
freak! I can't say bars - I'll say clubs, you can go to clubs and not drink...)
Oh, sometimes we go to the movies, or there's a couple clubs that are good...
(That was good, I made it sound like I like clubs, but I'm not really into
them...)
Boy: (Ok, she goes to clubs, that's a good sign. If she was really religious
she wouldn't do that.) Yeah? I like to dance also.
Girl: (He likes to dance- that's a good sign. He can't be that stiff!) So
where do you hang out in Boston?
Boy: (Should I say it- alright, I'll say it, what the hell!) Umm, the same,
bars, clubs, stuff like that.
Girl: (He said bars! So he probably drinks. Good sign. I should explore this
further...) Are there any good bars in Boston?
Boy: Yeah, there are some nice ones, I mean, I'm not a huge drinker, but I
like having a good time. (Ok, that gives the impression of someone who enjoys
drinking but is not an alcoholic - pretty good, if I do say so myself!)
Girl: (That sounds really positive. This guy sounds kind of cool. But if he's
so cool why is he calling me? Shouldn't he have a girlfriend? Or not need to
call random girls his mother tells him about? God, what if he's completely ugly?
Or has never been kissed?) Yeah, me too. Although I hope my parents never find
out.
Boy: Yeah. I know exactly what you mean. (I wonder if she's butt)
Girl: (Ok, so he didn't freak out at the living a double life reference-
another good sign. I just wish I knew what he looked like...) So...
Boy: (Or she could be really fat with a huge mustache. Well, there's only one
way to find out!) So, I know this sounds a little crazy, but I'm visiting some
friends in NYC next weekend and I wonder if you'd want to get together for
coffee sometime.
Girl: (Coffee. That's totally safe. If he's totally nasty I can have a quick
espresso and run like hell!) Yeah, that sounds great.
Boy: (Alright that went pretty well. Coffee's pretty harmless. And who knows,
maybe she'll be cool. Now I have to get the hell out of this conversation...) So
I have your e-mail, should I just e-mail you soon and we can figure it
out?
Girl: (E-mail is sooo much better than the phone. Thank God for e-mail!)
Yeah, just e-mail, I check it all the time at work, so- (God, this is getting
painful)
Boy: Alright, I'll e-mail you soon. (Meaning in two days cause I don't want
to look too desperate, but at the same time I don't want to look like I'm trying
not to look too desperate)
Girl: Coo
To help the new wave of incoming students from India, here are the proper
answers to awkward questions asked everyday:
Q. What does that red dot on women's forehead mean?
A. Well, in ancient times, Indian men used to practice archery skills
by target practicing by aiming at their wife's red dot. In fact, that is
one of the reasons why they had many wives. You see, once they mastered
the art of archery and hit the target....
Q. You're from India? I have read so much about the country. All the
wonderful places, the forests, the snake charmers, the elephants. Do you
still use elephants for transportation?
A. Absolutely. In fact we used to have our own elephant in our house.
But later, we started participating in elephant-ride sharing schemes
with our neighbors, to save the air. You see elephants have an
"emissions" problem.....
Q. Does India have cars?
A. No. We ride elephants to work. The government is trying to
encourage ride-sharing schemes.
Q. Does India have TV?
A. No. We only have cable.
Q. Are all Indians vegetarian?
A. Yes. Even tigers are vegetarian in India.
Q. How come you speak English so well?
A. You see when the British were ruling India, they employed Indians
as servants. It took too long for the Indians to learn English. So the
British isolated an "English-language" gene and infused their
servants' babies with it and since then all babies born are born
speaking English.
Q. Are you a Hindi?
A. Yes. I am spoken everyday in Northern India.
Q. Do you speak Hindu?
A. Yes, I also speak Jewish, Islam and Christianity.
Q. Is it true that everyone there is very corrupt?
A. Yes, in fact, I had to bribe my parents so that they would let me
go to school.
Q. India is very hot, isn't it?
A. It is so hot there that all the water boils spontaneously. That is
why tea is such a popular drink in India.
Q. Are there any business companies in India?
A. No. All Indians live on the Gandhian principles of
self-sufficiency. We all make our own clothes and grow our own food.
That is why you see all these thin skinny Indians -- it is is a lot of
hard work.
Q. Indians cannot beef, huh?
A. Cows provide milk which is a very essential part of Indian diet. So
eating cows is forbidden. However in order to decrease the population of
the country, the government is trying to encourage everyone to eat human
meat.
Q. India is such a religious place. Do you meditate regularly?
A. Yes, sometimes I meditate for weeks without food and drink. But it
is difficult to keep my job, because I have to miss work when I meditate
like that. But the bosses there do the same thing. That is why things
are so inefficient there.
Q. I saw on TV that people there walk on burning coals. Why do they do
that?
A. We don't have shoes. So we burn the bottom of our feet to make it
hard so that we can walk.
Q. Why do you sometimes wear Indian clothes to work?
A. I prefer it to coming naked.
answers to awkward questions asked everyday:
Q. What does that red dot on women's forehead mean?
A. Well, in ancient times, Indian men used to practice archery skills
by target practicing by aiming at their wife's red dot. In fact, that is
one of the reasons why they had many wives. You see, once they mastered
the art of archery and hit the target....
Q. You're from India? I have read so much about the country. All the
wonderful places, the forests, the snake charmers, the elephants. Do you
still use elephants for transportation?
A. Absolutely. In fact we used to have our own elephant in our house.
But later, we started participating in elephant-ride sharing schemes
with our neighbors, to save the air. You see elephants have an
"emissions" problem.....
Q. Does India have cars?
A. No. We ride elephants to work. The government is trying to
encourage ride-sharing schemes.
Q. Does India have TV?
A. No. We only have cable.
Q. Are all Indians vegetarian?
A. Yes. Even tigers are vegetarian in India.
Q. How come you speak English so well?
A. You see when the British were ruling India, they employed Indians
as servants. It took too long for the Indians to learn English. So the
British isolated an "English-language" gene and infused their
servants' babies with it and since then all babies born are born
speaking English.
Q. Are you a Hindi?
A. Yes. I am spoken everyday in Northern India.
Q. Do you speak Hindu?
A. Yes, I also speak Jewish, Islam and Christianity.
Q. Is it true that everyone there is very corrupt?
A. Yes, in fact, I had to bribe my parents so that they would let me
go to school.
Q. India is very hot, isn't it?
A. It is so hot there that all the water boils spontaneously. That is
why tea is such a popular drink in India.
Q. Are there any business companies in India?
A. No. All Indians live on the Gandhian principles of
self-sufficiency. We all make our own clothes and grow our own food.
That is why you see all these thin skinny Indians -- it is is a lot of
hard work.
Q. Indians cannot beef, huh?
A. Cows provide milk which is a very essential part of Indian diet. So
eating cows is forbidden. However in order to decrease the population of
the country, the government is trying to encourage everyone to eat human
meat.
Q. India is such a religious place. Do you meditate regularly?
A. Yes, sometimes I meditate for weeks without food and drink. But it
is difficult to keep my job, because I have to miss work when I meditate
like that. But the bosses there do the same thing. That is why things
are so inefficient there.
Q. I saw on TV that people there walk on burning coals. Why do they do
that?
A. We don't have shoes. So we burn the bottom of our feet to make it
hard so that we can walk.
Q. Why do you sometimes wear Indian clothes to work?
A. I prefer it to coming naked.
There was once LKY visited India. He was warmly welcomed by Gandhi, who took
him to view many places in India. After sightseeing, LKY has this to say to
Gandhi, 'All the places I have visited in India are dirty, filthy and untidy.
you should see how clean Singapore is!'
A month later, Gandhi made a visit to Singapore. LKY brought him to Compass
Rose for dinner. Gandhi who was unhappy with LKY insult, tried to find some
dirty places in Singapore to return the insult.
He took a pair of binoculars and look all around singapore to find a place
which is dirty, but could find none. Finally, Gandhi after 10 mins of searching,
saw a place which is very dirty and untidy.
He signaled to LKY and ask him to take a look. Gandhi said, 'This particular
place is extremely dirty and untidy. Can you tell me where it is?'
LKY took a look from the binos and said with a smile, 'Oh, that is Little
India.'
him to view many places in India. After sightseeing, LKY has this to say to
Gandhi, 'All the places I have visited in India are dirty, filthy and untidy.
you should see how clean Singapore is!'
A month later, Gandhi made a visit to Singapore. LKY brought him to Compass
Rose for dinner. Gandhi who was unhappy with LKY insult, tried to find some
dirty places in Singapore to return the insult.
He took a pair of binoculars and look all around singapore to find a place
which is dirty, but could find none. Finally, Gandhi after 10 mins of searching,
saw a place which is very dirty and untidy.
He signaled to LKY and ask him to take a look. Gandhi said, 'This particular
place is extremely dirty and untidy. Can you tell me where it is?'
LKY took a look from the binos and said with a smile, 'Oh, that is Little
India.'
There is a sale on any item, you buy 100 of them.
You put your clothes in suitcases instead of wardrobes.
You have a 'Singer Brother' sewing machine at home.
Your mother has a minor disagreement with her (or your dad's) sister and doesn't talk to her for ten years.
You call an older person you've never met before "uncle".
You hide everything from your parents.
Your mother does everything for you if you are male.
You do all the housework and cooking if you are female.
Your relatives alone could populate a small city.
Everyone is a family friend.
Everyone always called you for help on homework.
You read law, medicine or engineering at university.
You were thick (i.e. stupid) so you studied accounting or business instead.
You know no one who has studied music.
You went to a university as far away from home as possible.
You still came back home to live with your parents after you had finished.
Your best friend got married at the age of 16.
You only make telephone calls after 6pm (discounts) or after 9 p.m.
You like the meat well done.
You eat onions with everything.
You use chilli sauce instead of tomato ketchup.
You fight over who pays the dinner bill.
You say you hate Indian films(/songs) but secretly watch(/hear) them with your
parents.
You teach Westerners swearwords in your language.
You order Indian food in your own language to impress the people you're
with but the waiters don't understand you.
You avoid public places when with a member of the opposite sex, especially if there is an acquaintance within a 250 miles radius.
You always say "open the light" instead of "turn the light
on".
You secure your baggage with a rope.
You're walking out of customs with your trolley at the airport and you see
all twenty-five members of your family who have come to pick you up.
You get very upset when airlines refuse to accept your luggage which is
just 80 lbs. overweight.
You go back to your parents' country and people treat you like a member
of...the royal family.
You ask your dad a simple question and he tells you story of how he had
to walk miles barefoot just to get to school.
Your Dad drives a GM.
You're rich so he drives a Mercedes.
(For females)
You're parents would freak out if you wore a crop top baring your midriff...but wearing a sari is perfectly acceptable
Your brother had no curfew while you had to be home at 11pm
You are ALWAYS taking off and putting on your shoes wherever you go
to your American friends, oil is used purely for cooking and not as a grooming aid
When your American friends cringe at the thought of their parents in bed,
you wonder how odd it would be to see your parents get within one foot of...each other
Your parents have nicknames but only because people they work with just
stop when trying to read their names
You have annoying nicknames like Chotu or Chicku,(lots more to add here)
Your parents call all your friends "Beta" whether they are Indian or
not Your parent are panicking if you aren't married and you turn 25
Either you really like Indians of the opposite sex or you can't stand them
Your mother measures wealth in gold and diamonds
A horoscope must decide your wedding date
Your parents drink 6 cups of tea a day
You are sick and tired of answering questions about "the dot"
Your friends could not explain your religion to someone if they tried
You could not explain your religion to someone if you tried
In the smallest...of subcompact cars, you still can't see over the wheel
without a phone ...book.
WITH the phone book, you can't reach the pedals.
You have cousins you have never met, whose names you don't know, but who
insist they're related to you, even though they bear NO resemblance to...anyone YOU know.
Your parents push the concept of an arranged marriage on you and try and
demonstrate how well it works whenever they're not fighting.
Your parents compare you to all of their friends' kids.
You notice that whenever you go to another Indian's house, your parents
always talk about work and business.
The second you pull out of someone's driveway, your parents start
talking...about them.
Every few months your parents say when they're moving back to India
No one ever seems to call ahead of time to say they are coming over for a visit.
Two diplomats are riding in a limousine in Moscow, an Indian and a Russian, discussing state
business.
The Russian says to the Indian, "Rohit, I like you, but my superiors say the deal can't
go through. They don't want to be associated with your country. They tell me it's filthy and the
citizens just shit on the streets."
"That is not true!" exclaims the Indian, "We are very fastidious...in fact, you're not one to talk,
isn't that someone shitting on your fine sidewalk?" he points out the window where there
is indeed a squatted figure defecating on the sidewalk.
The Russian diplomat is enraged. "Stop the car!" he yells at the driver,
Pavel. "Pavel, go execute that shitting man." Pavel nods at his boss, stops
the the car and takes out a gun.
After a minute, he shakes his head and returns to his boss. "Sir, I cannot execute him."
"Why the hell not?" yells the Russian.
"Sir, he's the Indian Prime Minister."
business.
The Russian says to the Indian, "Rohit, I like you, but my superiors say the deal can't
go through. They don't want to be associated with your country. They tell me it's filthy and the
citizens just shit on the streets."
"That is not true!" exclaims the Indian, "We are very fastidious...in fact, you're not one to talk,
isn't that someone shitting on your fine sidewalk?" he points out the window where there
is indeed a squatted figure defecating on the sidewalk.
The Russian diplomat is enraged. "Stop the car!" he yells at the driver,
Pavel. "Pavel, go execute that shitting man." Pavel nods at his boss, stops
the the car and takes out a gun.
After a minute, he shakes his head and returns to his boss. "Sir, I cannot execute him."
"Why the hell not?" yells the Russian.
"Sir, he's the Indian Prime Minister."
Why do Indians smell? (submitted by: Foyf
)
So blind people can hate them too
What do the average Indian weigh? (submitted by: Foyf
)
Sweets
Why is Delhi a male city (Maha Nagar) and Bombay a female city (Maha Nagri)?
(submitted by: TejasMehta@aol.com)
Because Delhi has Qutab Minar and Bombay has Gateway of
India.
What does INTERNET stand for? (submitted by:TejasMehta@aol.com)
Indians Networking To Ensure Raillery Now En Then.
What do you call a smart Indian? (submitted by:TejasMehta@aol.com)
A: Indigenous.
Q: Why is India a banana republic? (submitted by:TejasMehta@aol.com)
Because the politicians keeps chanting, "Hame ye banana hai, wo
banana hai!
Sindhi
lawyer: Case-wani
Sindhi lawyer after a case: Purse-wani
The blue-skier sindhi: Akash-wani
Supplied in south indian hospitals: Nursing gum
Desi who falls at people's feet: Charan Singh
Desi who falls at peopls' feet and stays there: Gir charan Singh
What
is a smart Malayalee called?
Debo-nair.
What
is a dynamic malayalee called ?
Pheno-Menon.
Why
did the malayalee crossed the road ?
Simbly.
What
did one Bengali voyeur ask another?
Keyhollo.
How
was wire invented?
Two
marwaris spotted the same coin.
Why
did the Gujju think the film Gandhi was about a woman?
Because
Be(h)n Kingsley was in it.
What
is a communist Sindhi called?
Lalwani.
What
is a Sindhi who falls from the first floor called?
Thadani.
What
is a Sindhi who falls from the 17th. floor called?
Kriplani.
What
is a Sindhi who falls from the 30th. floor called?
Marjani.
What
are the degrees of egoism in Tamil Nadu?
I, Iyer, Iyengar.
What
is a jiving Sardar called?
Breakdan
Singh.
What
do you call a sardar who drinks only beer ?
Just-beer
Singh.
What
do you call a sardar who has only one drink ?
Just-one
Singh.
a
sikh scuba diver .. JULL-UNDER SINGH
a
better adapted sikh diver .. JULLUNDER SINGH GILL
a
bald sardarjee .. BAL-WANT SINGH
What
does a sardarjee say to a whore ?
..
WHORE JEE, KI HAL HAI ?
Why
do you say (Bhagwan Shri) Rajneesh detests city life ?
'cos,
from Koregaon he went to Oreg(a)on.
Why
is A.P the land of underwears ?
'cos
there they keep saying - yemUNDEE, chappUNDEE, koorchUNDDEE etc.
What
is the (State) Anthem of A.P ?
telan-gana-mana
...
What
is the most famous jingle in A.P ?
A.P
days are here again ...
What
do you call a bong who talks a lot, sometimes without making sense?
Mr.
Chatter Jee.
Who
is that guy visiting the Golden Temple everyday?
Har
Mandir Singh.
What
do you call a very rich Malayalee?
Million
Iyer
Who
is he who has many publications to his credit?
Journal
Singh
What
do you call a bong who takes bribe?
Mr.
Goosh
Who
is he who visited the Russia-China border?
Long
Wall Singh
Who
is that guy who enlightens others?
Lanthanwalla
What
do you call a sikh female's boyfriend?
Her
Pal Singh
What
do you call a sikh guy running towards the enemy camp with a white flag
in
his hand?
Surrender
Singh
How
does a malayalee spell the word 'MOON' ?
M
- O yet another O N.
If the Titanic was made in India:
10) There would be 10 times as many people on the ship.
9) There has to be a song with a girl wearing a white dress, singing in the
rain.
8) By the end of the movie he finds his mom, dad, sister and brother.
7) It's seven and half-hours long.
6) The movie would be called "Doobta Hua Pyar".
5) Kate Winslet played by Madhuri Dixit, and Leonard Di' Caprio played by Salman
Khan.
4) The boat would sink, because there are too many people on it.
3) None of the people would float for long cause of the saris.
2) They would be serving mango fruity on the boat.
1) Wait a minute it was an Indian movie if you think abou it.
AND
Can you imagine how many times we would hear "Bachaoooo"!!!
PS: The hero, heroine, his mom, dad, sister and brother will float in the cold
water for days and yet survive. The villain will drown in the first drops of
water.
10) There would be 10 times as many people on the ship.
9) There has to be a song with a girl wearing a white dress, singing in the
rain.
8) By the end of the movie he finds his mom, dad, sister and brother.
7) It's seven and half-hours long.
6) The movie would be called "Doobta Hua Pyar".
5) Kate Winslet played by Madhuri Dixit, and Leonard Di' Caprio played by Salman
Khan.
4) The boat would sink, because there are too many people on it.
3) None of the people would float for long cause of the saris.
2) They would be serving mango fruity on the boat.
1) Wait a minute it was an Indian movie if you think abou it.
AND
Can you imagine how many times we would hear "Bachaoooo"!!!
PS: The hero, heroine, his mom, dad, sister and brother will float in the cold
water for days and yet survive. The villain will drown in the first drops of
water.
An Indian who just came from India walks into a hardware store and asks to
see the chain saws. Picking up one, he asked the store clerk, "How many
trees will this one cut in an hour?"
"Oh, that one will cut about five good sized trees in an hour,"
replied the clerk.
"What about this one?" asked the Indian. The clerk
replied,
"That's an intermediate model which cuts around ten trees."
"And this one?" asked the Indian.
"That's our best model. It should cut at least 20 trees in an
hour," said the clerk
"I'll take it!" said the Indian. Two days later, the Indian returns
to the store and angrily states, "Hey, this saw is terrible. I could only
cut three trees in one hour with it!"
The clerk says, "Gee, I don't understand that. This is the best chainsaw
we carry. Wait a minute while I check it out." The clerk pulled on the
starter rope and the saw immediately activated with a loud roar.
'Hey," said the Indian, "what's that noise?"
see the chain saws. Picking up one, he asked the store clerk, "How many
trees will this one cut in an hour?"
"Oh, that one will cut about five good sized trees in an hour,"
replied the clerk.
"What about this one?" asked the Indian. The clerk
replied,
"That's an intermediate model which cuts around ten trees."
"And this one?" asked the Indian.
"That's our best model. It should cut at least 20 trees in an
hour," said the clerk
"I'll take it!" said the Indian. Two days later, the Indian returns
to the store and angrily states, "Hey, this saw is terrible. I could only
cut three trees in one hour with it!"
The clerk says, "Gee, I don't understand that. This is the best chainsaw
we carry. Wait a minute while I check it out." The clerk pulled on the
starter rope and the saw immediately activated with a loud roar.
'Hey," said the Indian, "what's that noise?"
A Sikh was on his way to Khalsa Club when he
decided to take a short-cut through somebody's garden. The owner comes out
angrily:
Owner: Hey, do you know you are trespassing?
Sikh: No, I'm Jaspar Singh.
decided to take a short-cut through somebody's garden. The owner comes out
angrily:
Owner: Hey, do you know you are trespassing?
Sikh: No, I'm Jaspar Singh.
A well dressed man was having a dinner in "Kake Da Hotel". After he
finished his dinner, he started to wash his hands with table and chair. The
owner saw him and got real angry and asked, "Have you had dinner in some
nice hotel before?"
Man: "Ya!" "I had dinner once in Ashoka Hotel."
Owner: "There also, you washed your hands with table and
chair?"
Man: "Yes, I did."
Owner: "Nobody told you anything!"
Man: "They kicked me and said 'agar ase hi karna hai to kisi Kake Da
Hotel mae jake khana khaa'.
finished his dinner, he started to wash his hands with table and chair. The
owner saw him and got real angry and asked, "Have you had dinner in some
nice hotel before?"
Man: "Ya!" "I had dinner once in Ashoka Hotel."
Owner: "There also, you washed your hands with table and
chair?"
Man: "Yes, I did."
Owner: "Nobody told you anything!"
Man: "They kicked me and said 'agar ase hi karna hai to kisi Kake Da
Hotel mae jake khana khaa'.
Santa Singh and Banta Singh are sitting in a bar sipping Black Label Johnny
walker when Banta Singh noticed a gorgeous blonde sitting by herself in a
corner. As he was getting up to talk to her.
Bar Tender said "Hey don't worry about her, She is lesbian!
".
Banta Singh "Lesbian or no lesbian, I get all of them" and he
stylishly holding his whiskey in his left hand walked to her table. Then leaping
forward in a very sexy voice he said "Where exactly in Lesbia, you
from?"
walker when Banta Singh noticed a gorgeous blonde sitting by herself in a
corner. As he was getting up to talk to her.
Bar Tender said "Hey don't worry about her, She is lesbian!
".
Banta Singh "Lesbian or no lesbian, I get all of them" and he
stylishly holding his whiskey in his left hand walked to her table. Then leaping
forward in a very sexy voice he said "Where exactly in Lesbia, you
from?"
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing
happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton.
The president was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his
secretary to send the boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:
Dear GOD,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those bastards deducted 95%.
happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton.
The president was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his
secretary to send the boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:
Dear GOD,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those bastards deducted 95%.
Want to propose a girl
Just do it - Nike
Before going to propose to a girl
Believe in the best - BPL.
If you are hesitating before proposing to a girl
Vicks ki goli lo kich kich door karo - Vicks.
If you are going to propose to a girl
Chances are 50-50 - Britannia.
If a girl slapped you when you proposed to her
Take it easy - Limca.
Girl says NO !
Jor ka jhatka dhire se lage - Mirinda.
Those who succeed in love always say
We dream because we do - Daewoo.
If some one wants to write a love letter to his girlfriend
Likho script apna apna.- Rotomac.
If you love someone
Go get it - Visa power.
Boy riding a bike with neighbor's girl
Neighbors envy owner's pride - Onida.
Not satisfied with your date
Yeh dil mangey more - Pepsi.
A guy having a number of girl friends
The Complete Man - Raymonds.
A smart girl having a number of boyfriends
Yeh hai hamara suraksha chakra - Colgate.
For those lost in love
Har shaam ka sathi main aur mera - Bagpiper Whisky.
For a guy 'r gal who hasn't yet found one
Dhoondte rehe jayo ge - Surf Exel
Just do it - Nike
Before going to propose to a girl
Believe in the best - BPL.
If you are hesitating before proposing to a girl
Vicks ki goli lo kich kich door karo - Vicks.
If you are going to propose to a girl
Chances are 50-50 - Britannia.
If a girl slapped you when you proposed to her
Take it easy - Limca.
Girl says NO !
Jor ka jhatka dhire se lage - Mirinda.
Those who succeed in love always say
We dream because we do - Daewoo.
If some one wants to write a love letter to his girlfriend
Likho script apna apna.- Rotomac.
If you love someone
Go get it - Visa power.
Boy riding a bike with neighbor's girl
Neighbors envy owner's pride - Onida.
Not satisfied with your date
Yeh dil mangey more - Pepsi.
A guy having a number of girl friends
The Complete Man - Raymonds.
A smart girl having a number of boyfriends
Yeh hai hamara suraksha chakra - Colgate.
For those lost in love
Har shaam ka sathi main aur mera - Bagpiper Whisky.
For a guy 'r gal who hasn't yet found one
Dhoondte rehe jayo ge - Surf Exel
A Master Thief in London was giving a Coaching Class on Stealing and had
students from all over the world. The Indian happened to be a Sardar. After
several grueling classes on Theory came the final and decisive class of all, a
practical demo.
The master took all his pupils to a house nearby in the darkness of night and
entered that. But by mistake he overturns a vase.
Owner : Who's that?
Master: Miaooow...
The owner is satisfied and goes back to sleep. Mission accomplished.
The Sardar is very impressed. Returning to Punjab, he decides to open a similar
class for his fellow Sardars. Does so and follows the same schedule of theory
classes.
Then he goes for the demo with his pupils. Enters the house of a rich Sardar in
darkness, and tells the other Sardars, " These are the various steps for
stealing. You just observe. " Firstly, he goes and overturns a vase.
Owner : Koun Hai ? ( Who's that ? )
Sardar : Mai Billi . ( I am the cat.)
Owner : Oh, Billi ( Oh. Cat.) and goes back to sleep.
students from all over the world. The Indian happened to be a Sardar. After
several grueling classes on Theory came the final and decisive class of all, a
practical demo.
The master took all his pupils to a house nearby in the darkness of night and
entered that. But by mistake he overturns a vase.
Owner : Who's that?
Master: Miaooow...
The owner is satisfied and goes back to sleep. Mission accomplished.
The Sardar is very impressed. Returning to Punjab, he decides to open a similar
class for his fellow Sardars. Does so and follows the same schedule of theory
classes.
Then he goes for the demo with his pupils. Enters the house of a rich Sardar in
darkness, and tells the other Sardars, " These are the various steps for
stealing. You just observe. " Firstly, he goes and overturns a vase.
Owner : Koun Hai ? ( Who's that ? )
Sardar : Mai Billi . ( I am the cat.)
Owner : Oh, Billi ( Oh. Cat.) and goes back to sleep.
When the antenna of my small television in India broke, I looked up the
relevant part's number in the manual provided by the company and wrote to them
asking for a replacement.
When the package arrived, I was furious to see that they had sent Part No 699
when I had actually asked them for No 669. I shot off an angry missive to their
Public Relations Dept.
Their reply: Turn it upside-down.
relevant part's number in the manual provided by the company and wrote to them
asking for a replacement.
When the package arrived, I was furious to see that they had sent Part No 699
when I had actually asked them for No 669. I shot off an angry missive to their
Public Relations Dept.
Their reply: Turn it upside-down.
For long, India's colonial rulers divided the country's population by the numbers. And as current-day politicians continue with that
unholy task, we present a shortcut to make their work easier. Here's distinguishing India's different cultures by the numbers:
MALAYALEES
One Malayalee is a narial-pani shop.
Two Malayalees is a boat race.
Three Malayalees is a Gulf job racket.
Four Malayalees is an oilslick.
TAMILIANS
One Tamilian is a fugitive sandalwood smuggler.
Two Tamilians is a suicide-bomb squad.
Three Tamilians is a classical music school.
Four Tamilians is a Jayalalitha fan club.
ANDHRAITES
One Andhraite is a cycle-rickshaw driver.
Two Andhraites is a spice shop.
Three Andhraites is a Naxalite outfit.
Four Andhraites is the Telugu film industry.
BENGALIS
One Bengali is a rosagulla shop.
Two Bengalis is a black-and-white movie.
Three Bengalis is a Mohun Bagan support group.
Four Bengalis is a Marxist movement.
RAJASTHANIS
One Rajasthani is a cattle-seller.
Two Rajasthanis is a mason.
Three Rajasthanis is a puppet show.
Four Rajasthanis is a folk dance-drama.
GOANS
One Goan is Remo Fernandes.
Two Goans is a Feni distillery.
Three Goans is a football club.
Four Goans is an all-night-long beach party.
MANGALOREANS
One Mangalorean is a supari seller.
Two Mangaloreans can't stand one another.
Three Mangaloreans is an Udupi restaurant.
Four Mangaloreans is a fanatical Konkani Sabha.
BOMBAYITES
One Bombayite is a hawker.
Two Bombayites is a film industry.
Three Bombayites is a slum.
Four Bombayites is the rush-hour train crowd.
MAHARASHTRIANS
One Maharashtrian is a bus conductor.
Two Maharashtrians is a kabaddi match.
Three Maharashtrians is a Ganpati procession.
Four Maharashtrians is a Shiv Sena Shakha.
GUJARATIS
One Gujarati is a share broker in a Mumbai train.
Two Gujaratis is the total chatter in a Mumbai train.
Three Gujaratis is a rummy game in a Mumbai train.
Four Gujaratis is a dandiya-raas session all night long.
KUTCHIES
One Kutchi is a kirana shop.
Two Kutchis is a stationery shop.
Three Kutchis is a saree shop.
Four Kutchis is the entire Bombay retail trade.
SARDARJIS
One Sardarji is a truck-driver.
Two Sardarjis is a roadside dhaba.
Three Sardarjis is a terrorist outfit.
Four Sardarjis are always found in jokes.
SINDHIS
One Sindhi is a currency racket.
Two Sindhis is a papad factory.
Three Sindhis is a duplicate goods shop.
Four Sindhis is a lot of gas around (yeech!).
BIHARIS
One Bihari is Laloo Prasad Yadav.
Two Biharis is a booth-capturing squad.
Three Biharis is a caste killing.
Four Biharis is the total literate population of the state.
BHAIYYAS
One Bhaiyya is a milkman.
Two Bhaiyyas is a chanawala (or panipuri wala).
Three Bhaiyyas is a temple-destruction squad.
Four Bhaiyyas is a halwai shop.
(And 12 Bhaiyyas is one SMALL family).
KASHMIRIS
One Kashmiri is a boatman.
Two Kashmiris is a carpet factory.
Three Kashmiris is a tourist agency.
Four Kashmiris is a terrorist outfit.
KANNADIGAS
One Kannadiga is a coffee estate.
Two Kannadigas is a Udupi restaurant.
Three Kannadigas is a pepper powder factor.
Four Kannadigas is an anti-Cauvery squad.
PUNJABIS
One Punjabi is chhole-bathure 5 times a week.
Two Punjabis is one bottle of whisky in one night.
Three Punjabis is a public fist-fight.
Four Punjabis is 200 kg of excess weight.
PARSIS
One Parsi is a sentence punctuated with BC's and MC's.
Two Parsis is a doctor and a lawyer.
Three Parsis is a 75 year old man and his two unmarried sisters.
Four Parsis is half their remaining population.
PAKISTANIS
One Pakistani is one too many..............
unholy task, we present a shortcut to make their work easier. Here's distinguishing India's different cultures by the numbers:
MALAYALEES
One Malayalee is a narial-pani shop.
Two Malayalees is a boat race.
Three Malayalees is a Gulf job racket.
Four Malayalees is an oilslick.
TAMILIANS
One Tamilian is a fugitive sandalwood smuggler.
Two Tamilians is a suicide-bomb squad.
Three Tamilians is a classical music school.
Four Tamilians is a Jayalalitha fan club.
ANDHRAITES
One Andhraite is a cycle-rickshaw driver.
Two Andhraites is a spice shop.
Three Andhraites is a Naxalite outfit.
Four Andhraites is the Telugu film industry.
BENGALIS
One Bengali is a rosagulla shop.
Two Bengalis is a black-and-white movie.
Three Bengalis is a Mohun Bagan support group.
Four Bengalis is a Marxist movement.
RAJASTHANIS
One Rajasthani is a cattle-seller.
Two Rajasthanis is a mason.
Three Rajasthanis is a puppet show.
Four Rajasthanis is a folk dance-drama.
GOANS
One Goan is Remo Fernandes.
Two Goans is a Feni distillery.
Three Goans is a football club.
Four Goans is an all-night-long beach party.
MANGALOREANS
One Mangalorean is a supari seller.
Two Mangaloreans can't stand one another.
Three Mangaloreans is an Udupi restaurant.
Four Mangaloreans is a fanatical Konkani Sabha.
BOMBAYITES
One Bombayite is a hawker.
Two Bombayites is a film industry.
Three Bombayites is a slum.
Four Bombayites is the rush-hour train crowd.
MAHARASHTRIANS
One Maharashtrian is a bus conductor.
Two Maharashtrians is a kabaddi match.
Three Maharashtrians is a Ganpati procession.
Four Maharashtrians is a Shiv Sena Shakha.
GUJARATIS
One Gujarati is a share broker in a Mumbai train.
Two Gujaratis is the total chatter in a Mumbai train.
Three Gujaratis is a rummy game in a Mumbai train.
Four Gujaratis is a dandiya-raas session all night long.
KUTCHIES
One Kutchi is a kirana shop.
Two Kutchis is a stationery shop.
Three Kutchis is a saree shop.
Four Kutchis is the entire Bombay retail trade.
SARDARJIS
One Sardarji is a truck-driver.
Two Sardarjis is a roadside dhaba.
Three Sardarjis is a terrorist outfit.
Four Sardarjis are always found in jokes.
SINDHIS
One Sindhi is a currency racket.
Two Sindhis is a papad factory.
Three Sindhis is a duplicate goods shop.
Four Sindhis is a lot of gas around (yeech!).
BIHARIS
One Bihari is Laloo Prasad Yadav.
Two Biharis is a booth-capturing squad.
Three Biharis is a caste killing.
Four Biharis is the total literate population of the state.
BHAIYYAS
One Bhaiyya is a milkman.
Two Bhaiyyas is a chanawala (or panipuri wala).
Three Bhaiyyas is a temple-destruction squad.
Four Bhaiyyas is a halwai shop.
(And 12 Bhaiyyas is one SMALL family).
KASHMIRIS
One Kashmiri is a boatman.
Two Kashmiris is a carpet factory.
Three Kashmiris is a tourist agency.
Four Kashmiris is a terrorist outfit.
KANNADIGAS
One Kannadiga is a coffee estate.
Two Kannadigas is a Udupi restaurant.
Three Kannadigas is a pepper powder factor.
Four Kannadigas is an anti-Cauvery squad.
PUNJABIS
One Punjabi is chhole-bathure 5 times a week.
Two Punjabis is one bottle of whisky in one night.
Three Punjabis is a public fist-fight.
Four Punjabis is 200 kg of excess weight.
PARSIS
One Parsi is a sentence punctuated with BC's and MC's.
Two Parsis is a doctor and a lawyer.
Three Parsis is a 75 year old man and his two unmarried sisters.
Four Parsis is half their remaining population.
PAKISTANIS
One Pakistani is one too many..............
Herolal is driving down the Delhi-Amritsar highway, when he
spots Bhola standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the
car over to the side of the road and notices that Bhola is just standing there,
doing nothing, looking at nothing.
Herolal gets out of the car, walks all the way out to Bhola and asks him,
"Excuse me, what are you doing?"
Bhola replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks Herolal, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Noble Prize to people who are out standing
in their field."
spots Bhola standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the
car over to the side of the road and notices that Bhola is just standing there,
doing nothing, looking at nothing.
Herolal gets out of the car, walks all the way out to Bhola and asks him,
"Excuse me, what are you doing?"
Bhola replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks Herolal, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Noble Prize to people who are out standing
in their field."
This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come indo my humble shop."
So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on,
Saiheeb."
Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years - raw sexual power.
In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, and ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs. The Pakistani then began screaming "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!
So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on,
Saiheeb."
Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years - raw sexual power.
In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, and ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs. The Pakistani then began screaming "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!
A Pakistani tourist after a long walk in one of very fancy clean streets of
Delhi found himself needing to urinate badly. After a long search he could not
find any place to you-know, and eventually couldn't control himself and chose a
silent corner of a clean street to release himself.
As soon as he had just started you-know-what, a Delhi police official
approached him, "Hey, What do you think you're doing here?"
Pakistani tourist: "Sorry I have to Pee"
Police : "No PP here okay ? Follow me."
The Police officer took him to a beautiful garden nearby with lots of grass,
flowers and singing birds around.
Police: "PP here..... and have a nice day".
Pakistani tourist : "Oh Sir, ....... that's very nice of you, is this
Indian courtesy?"
Police: "No.......this is The Pakistani Embassy!"
Delhi found himself needing to urinate badly. After a long search he could not
find any place to you-know, and eventually couldn't control himself and chose a
silent corner of a clean street to release himself.
As soon as he had just started you-know-what, a Delhi police official
approached him, "Hey, What do you think you're doing here?"
Pakistani tourist: "Sorry I have to Pee"
Police : "No PP here okay ? Follow me."
The Police officer took him to a beautiful garden nearby with lots of grass,
flowers and singing birds around.
Police: "PP here..... and have a nice day".
Pakistani tourist : "Oh Sir, ....... that's very nice of you, is this
Indian courtesy?"
Police: "No.......this is The Pakistani Embassy!"
A Desi chap was deeply in love with a pretty foreign girl, whom he wanted.
But he did not have the courage to talk to her in person. So he decided to go
alone and with the help of a dictionary, he wrote a letter of proposal to
her.
HE WROTE :
Most worthy of your estimation
after a long consideration
and much mediation.
I have a strong indication
to become your relation.
As to my educational qualification,
it is no exaggeration or fabrication
that I have passed my matriculation examination;
no doubt without any hesitation and very little preparation.
What do you say to the solemnization
of our marriage celebration
according to the glorification of modern civilization
and with a view to the expansion of the population of present
generation.
On your approbation of the application,
I shall make preparation to improve my situation,
and if such obligation is worthy of consideration
it will be our argumentation of the joy and
exaltation of our joint dissimilation.
Thanking you in anticipation and with devotion,
To remain victim of your fascination.
SHE WROTE :
Dear Mr. Victim of my fascination,
Congratulation for your lengthy narration
of course full of affection aimed at an affiliation
for a combination which on examination
I find is a fine presentation of your ambition.
You have passed your matriculation with little preparation,
what about my graduation after a long botheration,
so improve situation in education
and make an application by acquisition
of post graduation and minimum qualification
for the convocation and before taking your photo for circulation
undergo beautification.
Further strict observation of the following conditions is the
regulation for the determination of our relation.
1. Consultation of my parents before approaching for my connection.
2. Communication of your confirmation that you are not a victim of any
fascination and,
3. Procreation must not be your recreation.
In anticipation of a solid action instead of continuation of paper
conversation.
I Remain,
Unaffected by your affection.
But he did not have the courage to talk to her in person. So he decided to go
alone and with the help of a dictionary, he wrote a letter of proposal to
her.
HE WROTE :
Most worthy of your estimation
after a long consideration
and much mediation.
I have a strong indication
to become your relation.
As to my educational qualification,
it is no exaggeration or fabrication
that I have passed my matriculation examination;
no doubt without any hesitation and very little preparation.
What do you say to the solemnization
of our marriage celebration
according to the glorification of modern civilization
and with a view to the expansion of the population of present
generation.
On your approbation of the application,
I shall make preparation to improve my situation,
and if such obligation is worthy of consideration
it will be our argumentation of the joy and
exaltation of our joint dissimilation.
Thanking you in anticipation and with devotion,
To remain victim of your fascination.
SHE WROTE :
Dear Mr. Victim of my fascination,
Congratulation for your lengthy narration
of course full of affection aimed at an affiliation
for a combination which on examination
I find is a fine presentation of your ambition.
You have passed your matriculation with little preparation,
what about my graduation after a long botheration,
so improve situation in education
and make an application by acquisition
of post graduation and minimum qualification
for the convocation and before taking your photo for circulation
undergo beautification.
Further strict observation of the following conditions is the
regulation for the determination of our relation.
1. Consultation of my parents before approaching for my connection.
2. Communication of your confirmation that you are not a victim of any
fascination and,
3. Procreation must not be your recreation.
In anticipation of a solid action instead of continuation of paper
conversation.
I Remain,
Unaffected by your affection.
"Good morning, bapu and bibi jis. This is your very handsome captain
welcoming you to Ranj-Jet Airways. Sorry we are four days late in taking off but
I had to do some overtime at the bakery.
This is the ek, dho, five, sex flight to New Delhi. We cannot guarantee that
we will end up in Delhi but rest assured it will be somewhere in the East. And
if you are very lucky we may even be landing on your village! A real Punjabi
will land where he wants to, isn't that right brothers!
Today we have 12 passengers on the plane - which is a bit of a problem
because we only have 5 seats! Hmmm.
For safety reasons we will be counting all the passengers again during and
after the flight. We have a very good record for safety. In fact we are so safe
even the terrorists are afraid to fly with us! I am pleased to tell you that
over 50% of our passengers end up at their destination. For those of you who
don't make it, don't worry, our staff have lots of experience consoling the
next-of-kin. If, however, you are still worried then ask Stewardess Bubbly to
tell you about our out of court settlements.
We will do everything to make your journey an enjoyable one and even a
surviving one! If our engines are too noisy for you, don't worry, we'll turn
them off! We even make your fall to earth pleasant by serving complimentary chaa
during free-fall! And for our religious passengers, we are the only airline who
can help you find out if there really is a God!
Sadly, today's in-flight movie will not be shown because my son forgot to
record it off the television. But if you really want to see a film then we will
be glad to fly next to Air India so that you can look at their movie through the
window.
Although there is no-smoking in this airplane, you may find that during the
flight you can see smoke in the cabin. Don't worry your good minds over this! It
is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down! Yes, we
are very advanced at Ranj-Jet Airways. Not only do we provide you with a life
jacket but we also give a free bathing costume to the aunties and a swimming
kacha to the uncles!
Some airlines are happy to fly thousands of feet over landmarks but not Ranj-Jet
Airways! For your pleasure we try to get as close as possible for the best view.
If, however, we go a little too close then please let us know. Our co-pilot
sometimes becomes too enthusiastic. Remember that guy who crashed into the White
House, well it is the same bloke!
Now kindly sit on your stool and tie your belt. For those of you who can't
find a belt please tie your nala to the door handle. And for those of you who
can't find a stool, sit on your suitcase instead.
Sorry, but I won't be flying with you today because I have to attend my
nephew's wedding. But please make yourself at home and help yourself to the cock
pit. Thank you for choosing Ranj-Jet Airways. We guarantee that we may not
always take you on a flight but we'll definitely take you for a ride!"
Traveling on Indian Roads is an almost hallucinatory potion of sound, spectacle
and experience. It is frequently heart-rending, sometimes hilarious, mostly
exhilarating, always unforgettable -- and, when you are on the roads, extremely
dangerous.
Most Indian road users observe a version of the Highway Code based on a
Sanskrit text. These 12 rules of the Indian road are published for the first
time in English:
ARTICLE I:
The assumption of immortality is required of all road users.
ARTICLE II:
Indian traffic, like Indian society, is structured on a strict caste system.
The following precedence must be accorded at all times. In descending order,
give way to:
Cows, elephants, heavy trucks, buses, official cars, camels, light
trucks, buffalo, jeeps, ox-carts, private cars, motorcycles, scooters,
auto-rickshaws, pigs, pedal rickshaws, goats, bicycles (goods-carrying),
handcarts, bicycles (passenger-carrying), dogs, pedestrians.
ARTICLE III:
All wheeled vehicles shall be driven in accordance with the maxim: to
slow is to falter, to brake is to fail, to stop is defeat. This is the
Indian drivers' mantra.
ARTICLE IV:
Use of horn (also known as the sonic fender or aural amulet):
Cars (IV,1,a-c):
Short blasts (urgent) indicate supremacy, IE in clearing dogs,
rickshaws and pedestrians from path.
Long blasts (desperate) denote supplication, IE to oncoming truck:
"I am going too fast to stop, so unless you slow down we shall both
die". In extreme cases this may be accompanied by flashing of headlights
(frantic).
Single blast (casual) means: "I have seen someone out of
India's870 million whom I recognize", "There is a bird in
the road (which at this speed could go through my windscreen)"
or "I have not blown my horn for several minutes."
Trucks and buses (IV,2,a):
All horn signals have the same meaning, viz: "I have an all-up weight
of approximately 12.5 tons and have no intention of stopping, even if I
could." This signal may be emphasized by the use of headlamps.
Article IV remains subject to the provision of Order of Precedence in
Article II above.
ARTICLE V:
All maneuvers, use of horn and evasive action shall be left until the
last possible moment.
ARTICLE VI:
In the absence of seat belts (which there is), car occupants shall wear
garlands of marigolds. These should be kept fastened at all times.
ARTICLE VII:
Rights of way:
Traffic entering a road from the left has priority. So has traffic
from the right, and also traffic in the middle.
Lane discipline (VII,1):
All Indian traffic at all times and irrespective of direction of
travel shall occupy the center of the road.
ARTICLE VIII:
Roundabouts: India has no roundabouts. Apparent traffic islands in the
middle of crossroads have no traffic management function. Any other
impression should be ignored.
ARTICLE IX:
Overtaking is mandatory. Every moving vehicle is required to overtake
every other moving vehicle, irrespective of whether it has just overtaken
you.
Overtaking should only be undertaken in suitable conditions, such as in
the face of oncoming traffic, on blind bends, at junctions and in the middle
of villages/city centers. No more than two inches should be allowed between your vehicle
and the one you are passing -- and one inch in the case of bicycles or
pedestrians.
ARTICLE X:
Nirvana may be obtained through the head-on crash.
ARTICLE XI:
Reversing: no longer applicable since no vehicle in India has reverse
gear.
and experience. It is frequently heart-rending, sometimes hilarious, mostly
exhilarating, always unforgettable -- and, when you are on the roads, extremely
dangerous.
Most Indian road users observe a version of the Highway Code based on a
Sanskrit text. These 12 rules of the Indian road are published for the first
time in English:
ARTICLE I:
The assumption of immortality is required of all road users.
ARTICLE II:
Indian traffic, like Indian society, is structured on a strict caste system.
The following precedence must be accorded at all times. In descending order,
give way to:
Cows, elephants, heavy trucks, buses, official cars, camels, light
trucks, buffalo, jeeps, ox-carts, private cars, motorcycles, scooters,
auto-rickshaws, pigs, pedal rickshaws, goats, bicycles (goods-carrying),
handcarts, bicycles (passenger-carrying), dogs, pedestrians.
ARTICLE III:
All wheeled vehicles shall be driven in accordance with the maxim: to
slow is to falter, to brake is to fail, to stop is defeat. This is the
Indian drivers' mantra.
ARTICLE IV:
Use of horn (also known as the sonic fender or aural amulet):
Cars (IV,1,a-c):
Short blasts (urgent) indicate supremacy, IE in clearing dogs,
rickshaws and pedestrians from path.
Long blasts (desperate) denote supplication, IE to oncoming truck:
"I am going too fast to stop, so unless you slow down we shall both
die". In extreme cases this may be accompanied by flashing of headlights
(frantic).
Single blast (casual) means: "I have seen someone out of
India's870 million whom I recognize", "There is a bird in
the road (which at this speed could go through my windscreen)"
or "I have not blown my horn for several minutes."
Trucks and buses (IV,2,a):
All horn signals have the same meaning, viz: "I have an all-up weight
of approximately 12.5 tons and have no intention of stopping, even if I
could." This signal may be emphasized by the use of headlamps.
Article IV remains subject to the provision of Order of Precedence in
Article II above.
ARTICLE V:
All maneuvers, use of horn and evasive action shall be left until the
last possible moment.
ARTICLE VI:
In the absence of seat belts (which there is), car occupants shall wear
garlands of marigolds. These should be kept fastened at all times.
ARTICLE VII:
Rights of way:
Traffic entering a road from the left has priority. So has traffic
from the right, and also traffic in the middle.
Lane discipline (VII,1):
All Indian traffic at all times and irrespective of direction of
travel shall occupy the center of the road.
ARTICLE VIII:
Roundabouts: India has no roundabouts. Apparent traffic islands in the
middle of crossroads have no traffic management function. Any other
impression should be ignored.
ARTICLE IX:
Overtaking is mandatory. Every moving vehicle is required to overtake
every other moving vehicle, irrespective of whether it has just overtaken
you.
Overtaking should only be undertaken in suitable conditions, such as in
the face of oncoming traffic, on blind bends, at junctions and in the middle
of villages/city centers. No more than two inches should be allowed between your vehicle
and the one you are passing -- and one inch in the case of bicycles or
pedestrians.
ARTICLE X:
Nirvana may be obtained through the head-on crash.
ARTICLE XI:
Reversing: no longer applicable since no vehicle in India has reverse
gear.
Santa was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called him bluff, "OK, Santa how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Santa and boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure
enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Santa! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Santa's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Santa that
he thinks his knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Santa says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes, I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, George W. spots Santa on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Santa, what a surprise, I
was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to
Santa, who again implores him to n
Tired of his boasting, his boss called him bluff, "OK, Santa how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Santa and boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure
enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Santa! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Santa's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Santa that
he thinks his knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Santa says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes, I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, George W. spots Santa on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Santa, what a surprise, I
was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to
Santa, who again implores him to n