[Ed (not me, the one from rec.humor.funny, where I found this): There are a
lot of these around. I wonder if they actually come from essays or people
make them up. Anyway, this one isn't bad.]
Those who forget history--and the English language--may be condemned to
mangle both. Historian Anders Henriksson, a five year veteran of the
university classroom, has faithfully recorded his freshman students' more
striking insights into European history. Possibly as an act of vengeance,
Henriksson has assembled these fractured fragments into a chronological
narrative from the Middle Ages to the present.
During the Middle Ages, everyone was middle aged. Church and state were
co-operated. Middle Evil society was made up of monks, lords, and surfs.
After a revival of infantile commerce, merchants appeared. Those roamed
from town to town exposing themselves and organizing big fairies in the
countryside. The Crusades were expeditions by Christians who were seeking
to free the holy land (the "Home Town" of Christ) from the Islams.
In the 1400 hundreds most Englishmen were perpendicular. A class of ycowls
arose. Finally, Europe caught the Black Death. It was spread from port to
port by inflected rats. The plague also helped the emergence of English as
the national language of England, France, and Italy.
The Middle Ages slimpared to a halt. The renesance bolted in from the blue.
Life reeked with joy. Italy became robust, and more individuals felt the
value of their human being. Italy, of course, was much closer to the rest
of the world, thanks to northern Europe. Man was determined to civilise
himself and his brothers, even if heads had to roll! It became sheik to be
educated. Europe was full of incredable churches with great art bulging out
of their doors. Renaisance merchants were beautiful and almost lifelike.
The Reformnation happened when German nobles resented that tithes were
going to the pope, thus enriching Catholic coiffures. The popes were
usually Catholic. An angry Martin Luther nailed 95 theocrats to a church
door. Theologically, Luthar was into reorientation mutation. Anabaptist
services tended to be migratory. Monks went right on seeing themselves as
worms. The last Jesuit priest died in the 19th century.
After the refirmation were wars both foreign and infernal. If the Spanish
could gain the Netherlands they would have a stronghold throughout northern
Europe that would include Italy, Burgangy, central Europe and India thus
surrounding France. The German Emperor's lower passage was blocked by the
French for years and years.
Louis XIV became King of the Sun. He gave people food and artillery. If he
didn't like someone, he sent them to the gallows to row for the rest of
their lives. Vauban was the royal minister of flirtation.
In Russia, the 17th century was known as the time of the bounding of the
serfs. Russian nobles wore clothes to humor Peter the Great. Peter filled
his government with accidental people; orthodox priests became government
The enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire wrote a book called Candy
that got him into trouble. Philosophers were unknown yet, and the
fundamental stake was one of religious tolerance slightly confused with
France was in a serious state. Taxation was a great drain on the state
budget. The French revolution was accomplished before it happened. The
revolution catapaulted into Napolean. Napoleon was ill with bladder
problems and was very tense and unrestrained.
History started in 1815. Industrialization was precipitating in England.
Problems were so complexicated that in Paris, out of a population of 1
million people, 2 million able bodies were on the loose.
The middle class was tired and needed a rest. The old order could see the
lid holding down new ideas beginning to shake. Among the goals of the
chartists were universal suferage and an anal parliment.
A new time zone of national unification roared over the horizon. Founder of
the new Italy was Cavour, an intelligent Sardine from the north. Culture
formented from its tip to its top. Dramatized were adventures in seduction
and abortion. Music reeked with reality. Wagner was master of music, and
when he died they labeled his seat "historical."
World War I broke out about 1912-1914. At war people get killed, and then
they aren't people any more, but friends. Peace was proclaimed at Versigh,
which was attended by General Loid, Primal Minister of England. President
Wilson arrived with 14 pointers. In 1917, Lenin revolted Russia.
Germany was displaced after WW1. This gave rise to Hitler, who
remilitarized the Rineland over a squirmish between Germany and France.
Mooscalini rested his foundations on 8 million bayonets and invaded Hi Lee
Salasy. Germany invaded Poland, France invaded Belgium, and Russia invaded
everybody. War screeched to an end when a nukleer explosion was dropped on
Heroshima. A whole generation had been wipe out, and their forlorne
families were left to pick up the peaces.
The last stage is us.