Some choice quotes from Jerry Seinfeld...
...Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job
interview that lasts all night? The only difference between a date and a
job interview is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll
end up naked at the end of it.
"Well, Bill, the boss thinks you're the man for the job. Why don't you
strip down and meet some of the people you'll be working with?"
...What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking,
all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last?
About 13 seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big." "That's
ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later."
...Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that
men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're
doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like
fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right
for it to occur.
...Men and women all in all, behave just like our basic sexual elements. If
you watch single men on a weekend night they really act very much like
sperm - all disorganized, bumping into their friends, swimming in the wrong
direction. "I was first." "Let me through." "You're on my tail." "That's my
spot." They're like the Three Billion Stooges. But the egg is very cool:
"Well, who's it going to be? I can divide. I can wait a month. I'm not
...Why is commitment such a big problem for a man? I think that for some
reason when a man is driving down that freeway of love, the woman he's with
is like an exit, but he doesn't want to get off there. He wants to keep
driving. And the woman is like, "Look, gas, food, lodging, that's our exit,
that's everything we need to be happy...Get off here, now!" But the man is
focusing on sign underneath that says, "Next exit 27 miles," and he thinks,
"I can make it." Sometimes he can, sometimes he can't. Sometimes, the car
ends up on the side of the road, hood up and smoke pouring out of the
engine. He's sitting on the curb all alone, "I guess I didn't realize how
many miles I was racking up."
...The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all
the same, so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is
like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The
tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that
men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just
takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.
...I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does
moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's
raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing
leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"
...I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that the
word "ambulance" was spelled in reverse print on the hood of the ambulance.
And I thought, "Well, isn't that clever." I look in the rear-view mirror, I
can read the word "ambulance" behind me. Of course while you're reading,
you don't see where you're going, you crash, you need an ambulance. I think
they're trying to drum up some business on the way back from lunch.
...You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so
people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you
than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed
driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who's in the limo. You see a limo go by,
you know it's either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.
...Are there keys to a plane? Maybe that's what those delays are sometimes,
when you're just sitting there at the gate. Maybe the pilot sits up there
in the cockpit going, "Oh, I don't believe this. Dammit..I did it again."
They tell you it's something mechanical because they don't want to come on
the P.A. system, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be delayed here on
the ground for a while. I uh..Oh, God this is so embarrassing...I, I left
the keys to the plane in my apartment. They're in this big ashtray by the
front door. I'm sorry, I'll run back and get them."
...You can measure distance by time. "How far away is it?" "Oh about 20
minutes." But it doesn't work the other way. "When do you get off work?"
"Around 3 miles."
...The Chalk Outline guy's got a good job. Not too dangerous, the criminals
are long gone. I guess these are people who wanted to be sketch artists but
they couldn't draw very well. "Uh, listen, Jon, forget the sketches, do you
think if we left the dead body right there on the sidewalk you could manage
to trace around it?"
How does that help them solve the crime? They look at the thing on the
ground, "Oh, his arm was like that when he hit the pavement....the killer
must have been...Jim."
...I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into these
huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this interior design
principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room?
What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey look, there's a whole
other room in there. There's a guy that looks just like me in there."
But the parakeet would fall for this. I'd let him out of his cage, he'd fly
right into the mirror. And I'd always think, "Even if he thinks the mirror
is another room, why doesn't he at least try to avoid hitting the other
...Kids could always resolve any dispute by calling it. One of them will
say, "I got the front seat." "I want the front seat." "I called it." And
the other kid has no recourse. "He called it, what can I do?" If there was
a kid court of law it holds up. "You Honor, my client did ask for the front
seat." The judge says, "Did he call it?" "Well, no, he didn't call it..."
He bangs the gavel. "Objection overruled. He has to call it. Case closed."
...A dog will stay stupid. That's why we love them so much. The entire time
we know them, they're idiots. Think of your dog. Everytime you come home ,
he thinks it's amazing. He has no idea how you accomplish this every day.
You walk in the door, the joy of this experience overwhelms him. He looks
at you, HE'S BACK, IT'S THAT GUY, THAT SAME GUY. He can't believe it.
Everything is amazing to your dog. ANOTHER CAN OF FOOD? I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
Dogs want to be people. That's what their lives are about. They don't like
being a dog. They're with people all the time, they want to graduate. My
dog would sit there all day, he would watch me walk by, he would think to
himself, I COULD DO THAT! HE'S NOT THAT GOOD.
That's why the greatest, most exciting moment in the life of a dog is the
front seat of your car. You and him in the front seat. It's the only place
where your head and his are on the exact same level. He sits up there, he
thinks, THIS IS MORE LIKE IT. YOU AND ME TOGETHER, THIS IS THE WAY IT
SHOULD BE. He looks out the front. What's he looking at? He's a dog. WHAT
ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE - A RIGHT OR A LEFT? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE I AM.
They have a hard time. They stand up, they sit down, they can't handle the
turn either way. No matter which way you turn, he's not ready. They don't
know what to do. And then comes the great moment of frustration. You stop
someplace and get something to eat. This kills him. You get a hamburger,
this blows his mind. INSTANT FOOD WHENEVER YOU WANT IT? You know what this
means to him? You ever see the look on his face? He looks over at you.
HOW'D YOU GET THAT? ARE THEY GIVING IT TO EVERYBODY NOW? YOU THINK I COULD
GET ONE? They can't get anything.
Dogs have no money. Isn't that amazing? They're broke their entire lives.
But they get through. You know why dogs have no money?