Subject: Letter from College
Date: 28 Jul 91 23:30:04 GMT
My mother sent this form letter to me when I was having a really bad time
with my thesis. I don't know where it came from, she says it was already
ancient when SHE went to school...
Dear Mother and Dad:
It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss
in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written
before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit
down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down...
Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the
concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it
caught fire shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only
spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only
get three headaches a day.
Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an
attendant at the gas station near the dorm and he was the one who called
the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital,
and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind
enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement
room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen
deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact
date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.
Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward
to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the
same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The
reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor
infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I
carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin
injections I am now taking daily.
I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and
although not well educated, he is ambtious. Although he is of a different
race and religion than ours, I know you expressed tolerence will not permit
you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than
ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good,
too for I am told that his father is an important gunbearer in the village
in Africa from which he comes.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was
no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not
in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have
syphillis and there is no schwartze in my life..... However, I am getting a
"D" in History and an "F" in Science.... and I wanted you to see these
marks in the proper perspective.
Your loving daughter,