THE DARWIN AWARDS are bestowed every year upon the remains of that
individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to
remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. Last year's winner
was the fellow who was killed when he attached a JATO (Jet Assisted Take
Off) unit to his Chevy Impala and promptly shot himself at 300 mph into the
side of a desert cliff.
And now, for this year's illustrious winners:
John Pernicky and friend Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington,
decided to attend a local Metallica concert at The Gorge Amphitheater at
George, Washington. Having no tickets (but 18 beers among them) they sat in
the parking lot, and after finishing the beer, decided that it would be
easy enough to hop over the nine-foot high fence and sneak into the show.
The two friends pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan
was for John--100 pounds heavier than Sal--to hop over, and then assist his
friend over the fence. Unfortunately for John, there was a 30 foot drop on
the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself
crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted by a large branch
which snagged him by his shorts.
Dangling from the tree, with one arm broken, John looked down and saw a
group of bushes below him. Figuring the bushes would break his fall, John
removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free
himself from the tree. When finally free, John crashed below into holly
The sharp leaves scratched his entire body and now being without his
shorts, he was the unwilling victim of a holly branch penetrating his
rectal cavity. To make matters worse, his pocket knife proceeded to fall
with him and landed three inches into his left thigh.
Seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, Sal decided to throw him
a rope and pull him to safety. However, weighing about 100 pounds less, he
decided the best course of action would be to tie the rope to the pickup
truck. This is when things went from bad to worse.
In his drunken state, Sal put the truck into the wrong gear, pressed on the
gas, and crashed through the fence, landing on and killing his friend. Sal
was thrown from the truck, suffered massive internal injuries and also died
at the scene.
Police arrived to find a pickup truck with its driver thrown 100 feet from
the vehicle and upon moving the truck, a half naked man, with numerous
scratches, a holly stick up his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and a pair of
shorts dangling from the tree branches 25 feet in the air.
[AP, Mammoth Lakes, CA] A San Anselmo man died yesterday when he hit a lift
tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a
foam pad, authorities said. Matthew David Hubal, 22, was pronounced dead at
Centinela Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono
County Sheriff's Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had
hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors
from the lift towers, said Lieutenant Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lake
Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit the
The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal
crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated that the tower he hit
was the one with its pad removed.
[AP, St. Louis, MO] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a
St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a
hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it.
Police found him unconscious in front of the store: paramedics removed the
six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.
Nice attempt, but might still procreate:
[Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA] A man at a party popped a blasting cap
into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his
lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of
Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night,
said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a
battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off and
this guy said, "I'll show you how to set it off." "He put it in his mouth
and bit down. It blew all his teeth off, his tongue and his lips," Payne
said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive
facial injuries, according to a spokesman at Charleston Area Medical
Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne
[UPI, Portland, OR] Doctors at Portland's University Hospital said
Wednesday an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky
to be alive, and will be released soon from the hospital.
Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into
a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous, in Grants Pass, Ore.
A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered
Roberts' right eye. Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the
left, a major blood vessel would have cut and Roberts would have died
Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland
said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain, with the tip
protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major
blood vessels. Delashaw also said Robert tried to pull the arrow out on his
own he surely would have killed himself.
Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that
afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges have been
filed but the Josephine County district B attorney's office said the
initiation stunt is under investigation.