25 Ways To Confuse Your Professors:
1. Brush your teeth during class. While doing so, raise your hand as if you
have a question, and mumble your question incoherantly while brushing,
spewing toothpaste all over the place. If your professor objects to your
actions, go on a tirade about proper oral hygiene.
2. Sit way at the back of the room, up against the wall, to get as far away
from your professor as possible. While he/she is lecturing, shout out
things like, "What!?" and "Speak up! You're mumbling!" If your professor
advises you to sit closer to the front, tell him/her you can't because
you're scouting the room for "assassins."
3. If you have an early morning class, get there before anyone else, and
bring a pillow, some blankets, an air mattress, and an alarm clock. Wear
your pajamas. Lie down on the air mattress with the pillow and the blankets
and act like you're asleep. Have the alarm set for about two minutes into
class. When it goes off, preferably very loudly, hit the "snooze" button
and go back to sleep. Keep doing so for the duration of the class.
4. Dispute everything your professor says, no matter how simple. Try to get
him/her to "prove" everything to you. Rant and rave about what a big liar
your professor is. Yell at students who are taking notes, saying, "Stop
writing down all these lies!"
5. Show up to class about ten minutes late. Ride into the room on a
bicycle, yell, "Look out!", and crash into the blackboard. Get up, take a
seat, and act like nothing happened. Do this every day.
6. Keep "accidentally" setting fires at your desk. Burn notebooks, papers,
or whatever you have handy. Whenever you start a fire, no matter how small
it is, start yelling, "Fire! Fire!" and run out of the room in a panic.
Don't return for the rest of class.
7. Hide somewhere inside the classroom. Wait for your professor to take
attendance. Don't come out when he/she calls your name. Halfway through
class, jump out and yell, "Just kidding! I'm here! Fooled you again!" Sit
down and be quiet for the rest of class.
8. Wrap yourself in bandages and come to class in a wheelchair. Throughout
class, cry a lot and moan things like, "Why me?" and "Please kill me!" Get
up during class, like your going to miraculously start walking. Instead,
fall down, cry out in pain, and wait for someone to help you back up. When
class is over, say, "I feel better now," leap up, and run home.
9. Come to class with a jar full of angry hornets. Five minutes into class,
release the hornets, scream, and run away.
10. Bring a vacuum to class. Halfway through class, stand up and start
using it. If your professor objects, explain that you "can't stand sitting
in this pigsty any longer." Keep vacuuming, grumbling angrily.
11. Bring a small cactus to class with you. Raise your hand, and when
you're called on, say that the cactus has a question. Turn and look at the
cactus, as if you're waiting for it to say something. After a few moments,
shrug, and wait for your professor to move on. Do this once a day, and
become increasingly irritated with the cactus every time, sighing heavily
and giving it evil looks when it fails to "speak." When you leave the room
after class, start yelling at the cactus, "I can't believe you embarrassed
12. Every time your professor stutters, do a shot. If he/she objects,
explain that drinking games make the class more interesting.
13. When your professor gives you a syllabus, take it home, correct it,
give it a grade, and return it to the professor. Demand extra credit.
14. Come to class every day wearing scary Halloween masks. Try to get your
professor to guess who you are. Shoot him/her with a water pistol, scream,
and run around the room knocking things over. Say, "Pretty scary, huh?"
15. Get the whole class to show up a few minutes early, and throw a
surprise party for your professor. Insist that you can't start class until
he/she has a piece of cake. Keep asking people when the strippers are going
16. Instead of taking notes, do an abstract painting during every class.
Call the paintings things like, "Professor Acting Like Mr. Know-It-All" or
"Idiot Who Doesn't Know What The Hell He's Talking About." Give the
paintings to your professor as gifts.
17. Wait for your professor to mention a date, and then yell out, "Bingo!"
Apologize, and explain that you got confused.
18. Carve a bust of your professor out of cheese. Tie a ribbon around it,
and present it to him/her at the beginning of class. Demand extra credit.
19. Write your professor a note that says, "I'm going to be about 15
minutes late. Go ahead and start without me." Wait outside the building
until the time when class is supposed to begin. Tie the note to a rock, and
throw it through the window.
20. Write down everything that your professor says, word for word. Think up
a melody, and turn the words into a song. Bring a guitar to class and
perform the song for the class. Explain to your professor that he/she is
21. Get a monkey, and bring it to class with you. Tell your professor that
you've hired the monkey to take notes for you. Sit back and relax during
class, letting the monkey scribble on a piece of paper. When it comes time
to write a paper or take a test, write down things like, "I wish I had a
banana" and "I miss my tire swing." Assuming you get a bad grade, angrily
fire the monkey in front of your professor.
22. When you have to write a paper, get it done early and mail it to your
professor's house. From then on, don't hand anything in, and blame it on
the sluggishness of the U.S. Postal Service.
23. Tell your professor that you'd like to interview him/her for a writing
class. Get him/her to tell you his/her life story. Act interested, and
write down everything he/she says. Fabricate a few romantic interludes and
turn your efforts into a trashy romance novel. Make copies for the entire
class, and your professor. Demand extra credit.
24. Draw hearts and flowers on the backs of your papers and tests. Next to
them, write things like, "You're the best, even though you suck" and
"You're the worst professor in the world, but I still love you."
25. Start asking questions in a fake foreign language. Act like your
professor is stupid for not being able to understand you. Get other people
in the class to start speaking the fake language too, and have frequent
discussions during class. Act like you're really interested in what you're
discussing. If your professor tries to interrupt or stop you, act annoyed
and motion for him/her to quiet down.