From email@example.com Fri Oct 23 22:43:17 1992
Subject: Men's Public Restrooms
Keywords: Hey! What are you looking at?
Date: 24 Oct 92 02:43:17 GMT
The Novices' Guide to Using The Men's Room
Unless you totally absorb your food, using the lavatorial facilties is a
very important part of daily life. After logging in hundreds of hours in
the men's room (!), I can safely say I am an expert in the proper use of
these facilities. I would like to offer the two most important rules to
those novices when it comes to using these public facilities. Keep in mind
that the following is written from a male point of view. I apologize for
not being able to observe these actions from a female point of view (they
always kick me out!)
Rule #1: Make sure you are in the right restroom.
This is a lot harder than you think. Just what DO those symbols stand for?
Sure, it says "men" and "women", but how do we know for SURE? You can take
a peek and risk ruining your reputation (or enhance it, depending on our
life style.) Or, you could wait outside till someone goes in or out, but by
THAT time, you probably need to go to the laundromat!
Let's say you take a chance and walk in. As a guy, it's quite easy to tell
if you're in the right restroom. If you see a urinal, you're in the right
place. For those who don't know, a urinal is a vertical procelain thing
that's attached to the wall, and it usually has water in it. When
activated, the thing resembles an art deco water fountain.
If you do happen to end up in the wrong restroom, you can do one of the
1) say something apologetic, then run like crazy out the door
2) yell "Bomb threat! Clear the building NOW!"
3) say "Hey! I'M not in the wrong restroom! YOU are!!" and watch
the fun begin.
Rule #2: Never establish eye contact
If you HAVE to talk to another person in the restroom, please DO NOT make
eye contact. Especially if one of you happens to be "doing their thing."
I've always wondered: just how comfortable can you feel talking to each
other in a very private and personal setting? I mean, how can you all
concentrate on conversation with all that background noise? C'mon, when we
guys take a piss, the last thing we want to do is talk to someone while
we're holding our privates. It's even worse when two guys try to carry on a
coversation when they're both taking a dump. I mean, how can you
concentrate with all that noise and smell? Let's face it: this situation is
extremely uncomfortable. In a public restroom, like in the mall, this
situation could become dangerous, especially when "real guys" play the game
of "What Are You Looking At?"
To deal with this, men have developed highly specialized visual skills. The
most amazing of these skills is the ability to identify someone from just
the footwear sticking out of the stall. This is a good skill to develop for
you do NOT want to peek into an occupied stall. Trust me. (Hey! What are
you LOOKING at?")
Back in college, we had a 5 minute break from lecture for physics class.
Now, quantum mechanics can be fascinating or it can be mind-bogglingly
boring, depending on the level of your professor's enthusiasm. Anyway, at
the break, about a dozen guys would fly toward the men's room toward the
urinals (drinking all that caffeine will fill your bladder real quick!)
Now, in the men's room at college, there were 14 urinals lined adjacent to
each other. I always found it interesting observing several grown men
desperately trying to avoid eye contact with anyone else while urinating. I
mean, they would do everything else BUT make eye contact. Guys would just
stare straight ahead, straight down, but never at SOMEBODY. Not homophobia,
mind you, but just plain old VERY UNCONFORTABLE. I find it funny that these
guys would pretend to observe the beauty and engineering of a bathroom
tile, or pretend to admire the fine piece of porcelain art they were using.
Some of you guys who are more poetic than the rest of us write fascinating
and rhythmic soliloquys on the walls. You know who you are!! In fact, many
hours have been spent by scholars trying to analyze the social and cultural
significance of phrases that begin with "Here I sit, broken-hearted . . ."
Anyway, keep these two rules in mind, and you can use and leave the public
restroom in one piece. Hey!! What are YOU looking at???
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (breadner kenneth cecil joseph u)
Subject: Re: Men's Public Restrooms
Keywords: Hey! What are you looking at?
Date: 26 Oct 92 02:29:24 GMT
In article <1992Oct24.email@example.com> firstname.lastname@example.org writes:
> The Novices' Guide to Using The Men's Room
Very long and hilarious guide deleted....
Hey, you forgot the most obvious rule, the sacred rule, of using the men's
restroom, to wit:
"Never, under any circumstances, attempt to use a urinal that is in any way
adjacent to one already in use".
This is important. If there are three urinals lined up, men will invariably
take the ones at the corners. Which creates a funny situation when a third
man, nearly drowning in his own piss, opens the door to the restroom and
finds only the center urinal free. He will do one of two things. He will
use one of the stalls, or, if all of those are in use as well, he will piss
in his pants.
In really rough-and-tumble environments, like, for instance, the
international headquarters of "Hell's Demonic Macho Studs Who Roar Around
On Large Motorized Bicycles", this "adjacency" rule should be expanded
somewhat. In such environments, it is recommended that one use the urinal
that is located as far away as possible from any urinals that are already
in use. In point of fact, it might be better to avoid restrooms in such
places in the first place.
Of course, if you do that, you will get the "HEY! What are you, afraid to
come and piss next to a REAL MAN?"
Men. We can't win for losing.