Anvari.org

Web Tina

    Are you feeling old? If not, consider this:

    The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born
    in 1980. Therefore:

    * The Iranian hostage crisis occurred before they were conceived.
    * They have no memory of a time before M-TV.
    * "New Wave" is their PARENTS musical generation.
    * Cyndi Lauper, Boy George, the Pretenders, the Kinks, the Sex Pistols
    are all old music they have heard of, if they have heard of it at all.
    * They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era.
    * They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
    * If they have heard the name "Oliver North," it was probably as a
    losing Congessional candidate, or perhaps in some obscure survey
    history text's reference, such as might be made to Huey Long or
    Teapot Dome.
    * Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
    * Their world has always included AIDS.
    * Having not lived through the Disco Scare, they can romanticize the
    1970s.
    * They watched "Star Wars" years ago, when they were kids - on video.
    * Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums and cassette audiotapes.
    * The oil crisis is history of which they probably know nothing and why
    anyone WOULDN'T buy a Suburban is beyond them.
    * Most of them have probably never seen a real nun, EVEN if they went to
    Catholic schools.

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    [Note: For those of you not familiar with it, the 2-dollar bill was a unit
    of US currency that was printed in small quantities compared to other major
    bills (1, 5, 10, 20). They discontinued minting them in the early 80's
    because no one used them that much. There's a slim chance you may still
    find one, but most have been snatched up by collectors or pulled out of
    circulation. I don't know when this story takes place, but I saw it for the
    first time when I got on the internet around 6 or 7 years ago.]

    TACO HELL

    by Peter Leppik

    The following is a true story. It amused the hell out of me while it was
    happening. I hope it isn't one of those "had to be there" things.

    On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday ca$h I
    need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold is a
    $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person. I
    figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to
    worry about people getting pissed at me.

    ME: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go."
    IT: "Is that it?"
    ME: "Yep."
    IT: "That'll be $1.04, eat here?"
    ME: "No, it's to go." [I hate effort duplication.]

    At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it
    kind of funny and

    IT: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."

    He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The following
    conversation occurs between the two of them.

    IT: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"
    MG: "No. A what?"
    IT: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."
    MG: "Ask for something else, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL."
    IT: "Yeah, thought so."

    He comes back to me and says

    IT: "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?"
    ME: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"
    IT: "I don't know."
    ME: "See here where it says legal tender?"
    IT: "Yeah."
    ME: "So, shouldn't you take it?"
    IT: "Well, hang on a sec."

    He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to shoplift,
    and

    IT: "He says I have to take it."
    MG: "Doesn't he have anything else?"
    IT: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change."
    MG: "I'M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE." [my emphasis]
    IT: "What should I do?"
    MG: "Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money."
    IT: "I can't tell him that, you tell him."
    MG: "Just tell him."
    IT: "No way, this is weird, I'm going in back."

    The manager approaches me and says

    MG: "Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night." [it was 8pm and
    this particular Taco Bell is in a well lit indoor mall with 100 other
    stores.]
    ME: "Well, here's a two."
    MG: "We don't take those either."
    ME: "Why the hell not?"
    MG: "I think you know why."
    ME: "No really, tell me, why?"
    MG: "Please leave before I call mall security."
    ME: "Excuse me?"
    MG: "Please leave before I call mall security."
    ME: "What the hell for?"
    MG: "Please, sir."
    ME: "Uh, go ahead, call them."
    MG: "Would you please just leave?"
    ME: "No."
    MG: "Fine, have it your way then."
    ME: "No, that's Burger King, isn't it?"

    At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the phone
    around the corner. I have two people STARING at me from the dining area,
    and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45
    year oldish guy comes in and says [at the other end of counter, in a
    whisper]

    SG: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"
    MG: "This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money."
    SG: "Really? What?"
    MG: "Get this, a two dollar bill."
    SG: "Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?" [incredulous]
    MG: "I don't know. He's kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has is a
    fifty."
    SG: "So, the fifty's fake?"
    MG: "NO, the $2 is."
    SG: "Why would he fake a $2 bill?"
    MG: "I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"
    MSG: "Yeah..."

    Security guard walks over to me and says

    SG: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use."
    ME: "Uh, no."
    SG: "Lemme see 'em."
    ME: "Why?"
    SG: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"

    At this point I was ready to say, "SURE, PLEASE," but I wanted to eat, so I
    said

    ME: "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill."

    I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a swing
    at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says

    SG: "Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"
    MG: "It's fake."
    SG: "It doesn't look fake to me."
    MG: "But it's a **$2** bill."
    SG: "Yeah?"
    MG: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"

    The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and it
    dawned on the guy that he had no clue.

    My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon
    things, too. Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see
    what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I
    could probably end up in jail. At least you get free food.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments


    What a Difference 30 Years Makes...

    1970: Long Hair
    2000: Longing for hair

    1970: The perfect high
    2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund

    1970: Keg
    2000: EKG

    1970: Acid Rock
    2000: Acid Reflux

    1970: Moving to California because it's cool
    2000: Moving to California because it's warm

    1970: Growing pot
    2000: Growing pot belly

    1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents
    2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children

    1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
    2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

    1970: Seeds and stems
    2000: Roughage

    1970: Popping pills, smoking joints
    2000: Popping joints

    1970: Our president's struggle with Fidel
    2000: Our president's struggle with fidelity

    1970: Killer weed
    2000: Weed killer

    1970: The Grateful Dead
    2000: Dr. Kevorkian

    1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint
    2000: Getting a new hip joint

    1970: Rolling Stones
    2000: Kidney stones

    1970: Being called into the principal's office
    2000: Calling the principal's office

    1970: Peace sign
    2000: Mercedes logo

    1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
    2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

    1970: Take acid
    2000: Take antacid

    1970: Passing the driver's test
    2000: Passing the vision test

    1970: Whatever
    2000: Depends
    _________________________________________________________________

    Back to Miscellaneous Humor

    Back to Tina's Humor Archives main page

    Comments

    Reservations of an Airline Agent

    (After Surviving 130,000 Calls from the Traveling Public)

    by Jonathan Lee -- The Washington Post

    I work in a central reservation office of an airline. After more than
    130,000 conversations -- all ending with "Have a nice day and thanks for
    calling" -- I think it's fair to say that I'm a survivor.

    I've made it through all the calls from adults who didn't know the
    difference between a.m. and p.m., from mothers of military recruits who
    didn't trust their little soldiers to get it right, from the woman who
    called to get advice on how to handle her teenage daughter, from the man
    who wanted to ride inside the kennel with his dog so he wouldn't have to
    pay for a seat, from the woman who wanted to know why she had to change
    clothes on our flight between Chicago and Washington (she was told she'd
    have to make a change between the two cities) and from the man who asked if
    I'd like to discuss the existential humanism that emanates from the soul of
    Habeeb.

    In five years, I've received more than a boot camp education regarding the
    astonishing lack of awareness of our American citizenry. This lack of
    awareness encompasses every region of the country, economic status, ethnic
    background, and level of education. My battles have included everything
    from a man not knowing how to spell the name of the town he was from, to
    another not recognizing the name as "Iowa" as being a state, to another who
    thought he had to apply for a foreign passport to fly to West Virginia.
    They are the enemy and they are everywhere.

    In the history of the world there has never been as much communication and
    new things to learn as today. Yet, after I asked a woman from New York what
    city she wanted to go to in Arizona, she asked, "Oh... is it a big place?"

    I talked to a woman in Denver who had never heard of Cincinnati, a man in
    Minneapolis who didn't know there was more than one city in the South
    ("wherever the South is"), a woman in Nashville who asked, "Instead of
    paying for your ticket, can I just donate the money to the National Cancer
    Society?", and a man in Dallas who tried to pay for his ticket by sticking
    quarters in the pay phone he was calling from.

    I knew a full invasion was on the way when, shortly after signing on, a man
    asked if we flew to exit 35 on the New Jersey Turnpike. Then a woman asked
    if we flew to area code 304. And I knew I had been shipped off to the front
    when I was asked, "When an airplane comes in, does that mean it's arriving
    or departing?"

    I remembered the strict training we had received -- four weeks of
    regimented classes on airline codes, computer technology, and telephone
    behavior -- and it allowed for no means of retaliation. "Troops," we were
    told, "it's real hell out there and ya got no defense. You're going to hear
    things so silly you can't even make 'em up. You'll try to explain things to
    your friends that you don't even believe yourself, and just when you think
    you've heard it all, someone will ask if they can get a free round-trip
    ticket to Europe by reciting 'Mary Had a Little Lamb.'"

    Well, Sarge was right. It wasn't long before I suffered a direct hit from a
    woman who wanted to fly to Hippopotamus, NY. After I assured her that there
    was no such city, she became irate and said it was a big city with a big
    airport. I asked if Hippopotamus was near Albany or Syracuse. It wasn't.
    Then I asked if it was near Buffalo. "Buffalo!" she said. "I knew it was a
    big animal!"

    Then I crawled out of my bunker long enough to be confronted by a man who
    tried to catch our flight in Maconga. I told him I'd never heard of Maconga
    and we certainly didn't fly to it. But he insisted we did and to prove it
    he showed me his ticket: Macon, GA. I've done nothing during my
    conversational confrontations to indicate that I couldn't understand
    English. But after quoting the round-trip fare the passenger just asked for
    he'll always ask: "...Is that round trip?" After quoting the one-way fare
    the passenger just asked for he'll always, always ask: "...Is that
    one-way?" I never understood why they always question if what I just gave
    them is what they just asked for. Then I realized it was part of the hell
    Sarge told us about.

    But I've survived to direct the lost, correct the wrong, comfort the wary,
    teach U.S. geography and give tutoring in the spelling and pronunciation of
    American cities. I have been told things like: "I can't go stand-by for
    your flight because I'm in a wheelchair." I've been asked such questions
    as: "I have a connecting flight to Knoxville. Does that mean the plane
    sticks to something?" And once a man wanted to go to Illinois. When I asked
    what city he wanted to go to in Illinois, he said, "Cleveland, Ohio."

    After 130,000 little wars of varying degrees, I'm a wise old veteran of the
    communication conflict and can anticipate with accuracy what the next move
    by "them" will be. Seventy-five percent won't have anything to write on.
    Half will not have thought about when they're returning. A third won't know
    where they're going; 10 percent won't care where they're going. A few won't
    care if they get back. And James will be the first name of half the men who
    call.

    But even if James doesn't care if he gets to the city he never heard of;
    even if he thinks he has to change clothes on our plane that may stick to
    something; even if he can't spell, pronounce, or remember what city he's
    returning to, he'll get there because I've worked very hard to make sure
    that he can. Then with a click in the phone, he'll become a part of my past
    and I'll be hoping the next caller at least knows what day it is.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Costello calls Abbott with some questions about UNIX:

    Costello: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a
    program?

    Abbott: Yes, that's correct.

    Costello: No, what is it?

    Abbott: Yes.

    Costello: So, which is the one?

    Abbott: No. 'which' is used to find the program.

    Costello: Stop this. Who are you?

    Abbott: Use 'who am i' not 'who r yoo'. You can also 'finger yoo' to get
    information about 'yoo'.

    Costello: All I want to know is what finds the revision code?

    Abbott: Use 'what'.

    Costello: That's what I am trying to find out. Isn't that true?

    Abbott: No. 'true' gives you 0.

    Costello: Which one?

    Abbott: 'true' gives you 0. 'which programname'

    Costello: Let's get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it?

    Abbott: Type 'find / -name it -print' to find 'it'. Type 'what program' to
    get the revision code.

    Costello: I want to find the revision code.

    Abbott: You can't 'find revisioncode', you must use 'what program'.

    Costello: Which command will do what I need?

    Abbott: No. 'which command' will find 'command'.

    Costello: I think I understand. Let me write that.

    Abbott: You can 'write that' only if 'that' is a user on your system.

    Costello: Write what?

    Abbott: No. 'write that'. 'what program'.

    Costello: Cut that out!

    Abbott: Yes. those are valid files for 'cut'. Don't forget the options.

    Costello: Do you always do this?

    Abbott: 'du' will give you disk usage.

    Costello: HELP!

    Abbott: 'help' is only used for Source Code Control System (SCCS).

    Costello: You make me angry.

    Abbott: No, I don't 'make me' angry but I did 'make programname' when I was
    upset once.

    Costello: I don't want to make trouble, so no more.

    Abbott: No 'more'? 'which' will help you find 'more'. Every system has
    'more'.

    Costello: Nice help! I'm confused more now!

    Abbott: Understand that since 'help' is such a small program, it is better
    not to 'nice help'. and 'more now' is not allowed but 'at now' is. Unless
    of course 'now' is a file name.

    Costello: This is almost as confusing as my PC.

    Abbott: I didn't know you needed help with 'pc'. Let me get you to the
    Pascal compiler team.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the newsletter
    of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board.

    Dear Sir,

    I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
    Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause
    of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the
    following details will be sufficient.

    I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone
    on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found
    I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh
    240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them
    in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the
    building at the sixth floor.

    Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel
    out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope,
    holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You
    will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs. Due to
    my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence
    of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a
    rapid rate up the side of the building.

    In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now
    proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the
    fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in
    Section 3, accident reporting form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my
    rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two
    knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this
    correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind
    and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain
    I was now beginning to experience.

    At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
    ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of
    the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to
    my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of
    the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming
    up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe
    lacerations of my legs and lower body.

    Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed
    to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks
    and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

    I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in
    pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I
    again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope. And I
    lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back onto me.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    A man who went to church with his wife, always fell asleep during the
    sermon. The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday took a
    long hat pin along to poke him with it every time he would doze off. As the
    preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out "....and who
    created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th.." she poked her
    husband who came flying out of the pew and screamed, "Good God almighty!".

    The minister said "That's right, that's right." and went on with his
    sermon. The man sat back down, muttering under his breath and later began
    to doze off again. When the minister got to ".... and who died on the cross
    to save us from our sins....." the wife hit him again and he jumped up and
    shouted, "Jesus Christ". The minister said, "that's right, that's right"
    and went on with his sermon.

    The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got
    to " .... and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second
    child?" the wife started to poke the husband again, but he jumped up and
    said, "If you stick that damn thing in me again, I'll break it off!"
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    NASA RESEARCH ANNOUNCES DISCOVERY OF A NEW ELEMENT

    The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by GM
    Research physisists. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no
    protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of zero. However, it
    does have 1 neutron, 125 asistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111
    assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic number of 312. These 312
    particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous
    exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

    Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be
    detected chemically as it impedes every reaction that it comes in contact
    with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Adimnistratium
    caused one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have
    normally occuered in less than one second. Administratium has a normal
    half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually
    decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons,
    vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies
    have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each
    reorganization.

    Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs
    naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such
    as government agencies, large corporations and universities and can usually
    be found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings.

    Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any
    detectable level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive
    reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to
    determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible
    damage, but results to date are not promising.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    [email]

    ADS

    The following appeared recently in the Pet Market section of the Anderson
    SC Independent Mail classifieds:

    2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234.
    Leave mess.

    Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

    A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by
    waitresses in appetizing forms.

    Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

    For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large
    drawers.

    Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

    Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take
    home, too.

    Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

    Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

    We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

    For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

    For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

    Great Dames for sale.

    Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

    Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

    Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

    Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

    If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis
    Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and
    Chopin.

    Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in
    the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

    The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other
    athletic facilities.

    Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

    Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically
    burns toast.

    Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of
    women wear nothing else.

    Stock up and save. Limit: one.

    We build bodies that last a lifetime.

    For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

    Man, honest. Will take anything.

    Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

    Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

    UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

    Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

    Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

    Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

    Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

    3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

    Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks
    included.

    Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

    Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never
    go anywhere again.

    Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.

    Illiterate? Write today for free help.

    Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and
    salary.

    Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general
    housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

    Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient
    beating.

    Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

    And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled
    inconvenience.

    We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Date: Tue, 30 Jul 96 17:04:01 +0100 From: Mike Chaloner

    Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, a king summoned two of
    his advisors for a test. He showed them both a shiny metal box with two
    slots in the top, a control knob, and a lever. "What do you think this is?"

    One advisor, an engineer, answered first. "It is a toaster," he said. The
    king asked, "How would you design an embedded computer for it?" The
    engineer replied, "Using a four-bit microcontroller, I would write a simple
    program that reads the darkness knob and quantises its position to one of 6
    shades of darkness, from snow white to coal black. The program would use
    that darkness level as an index to a 16-element table of initial timer
    values. Then it would turn on the heating elements and start the timer with
    the initial value selected from the table. At the end of the time delay, it
    would turn off the heat and pop up the toast. Come back next week, and I'll
    show you a working prototype."

    The second advisor, a computer scientist, immediately recognised the danger
    of such short-sighted thinking. He said, "Toasters don't just turn bread
    into toast, they are also used to warm frozen waffles. What you see before
    you is really a breakfast food cooker. As the subjects of your kingdom
    become more sophisticated, they will demand more capabilities. They will
    need a breakfast food cooker that can also cook sausage, fry bacon, and
    make scrambled eggs. A toaster that only makes toast will soon be obsolete.
    If we don't look to the future, we will have to completely redesign the
    toaster in just a few years."

    "With this in mind, we can formulate a more intelligent solution to the
    problem. First, create a class of breakfast foods. Specialise this class
    into subclasses: grains, pork and poultry. The specialisation process
    should be repeated with grains divided into toast, muffins, pancakes and
    waffles; pork divided into sausage, links and bacon; and poultry divided
    into scrambled eggs, hard-boiled eggs, poached eggs, fried eggs and various
    omelette classes."

    "The ham and cheese omelette class is worth special attention because it
    must inherit characteristics from the pork, dairy and poultry classes. Thus
    we see that the problem cannot be properly solved without multiple
    inheritance. At run time the program must create the proper object and send
    a message to the object that says, 'Cook yourself.' The semantics of this
    message depend, of course, on the kind of object, so they have a different
    meaning to a piece of toast than to scrambled eggs."

    "Reviewing the process so far, we see that the analysis phase has revealed
    that the primary requirement is to cook any kind of breakfast food. In the
    design phase we have discovered some derived requirements. Specifically, we
    need an object-oriented language with multiple inheritance. Of course,
    users don't want the eggs to get cold while the bacon is frying, so
    concurrent processing is required, too."

    "We must not forget the user interface. The lever that lowers the food
    lacks versatility and the darkness knob is confusing. Users won't buy the
    product unless it has a user-friendly graphical interface. When the
    breakfast cooker is plugged in, users should see a cowboy boot on the
    screen. Users should click on it and the message 'Booting UNIX v. 8.3'
    appears on the screen.(UNIX 8.3 should be out by the time the product gets
    to the market.) Users can pull down a menu and click on the foods they want
    to cook."

    "Having made the wise decision of specifying the software first in the
    design phase, all that remains is to pick an adequate hardware platform for
    the implementation phase. An Intel Pentium with 32MB of memory, a 500MB
    hard disk and 17inch SVGA monitor should be sufficient. If you select a
    multi-tasking, object-oriented language that supports multiple inheritance
    and has a built-in GUI, writing the program will be a snap. (Imagine the
    difficulty we would have had if we had foolishly allowed a hardware-first
    design strategy to lock us into a four-bit microcontroller!)."

    The king wisely had the computer scientist beheaded, and they all lived
    happily ever after.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    US Air Force Issues

    Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force
    pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

    Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
    Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

    Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
    Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

    Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
    Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

    Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
    Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

    Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
    Solution: "Evidence removed."

    Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
    Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

    Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
    Solution: "Live bugs on order."

    Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
    Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

    Problem: "IFF inoperative."
    Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

    Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
    Solution: "That's what they're there for."

    Problem: "Number three engine missing."
    Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    [email]

    AMY

    <<< USER$DISK:[LRODRIGU.NOTES]SHP.NOTE;23 >>>
    -< Shiny Happy People >-
    ================================================================================
    Note 15.22 The DIpstick Of The Day Award 22 of 22
    HERNE::DCOSTA "Killer" 36 lines 17-AUG-1992 16:12
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    The Scene: The Aide Station Desk on a dreary Monday afternoon. Tina, Ray,
    and Dave are sitting behind the desk, working hard(ly). Incidental music is
    heard, but since it's only incidental it doesn't matter. As the curtain
    lifts, an Admissions tour, led by one whose name shall remain unsaid, but
    whose initials are A.M., enters from stage left.

    For a time, the action progresses according to the ancient Greek
    dramatists' well-known rules for the progression of such things. The
    typical tour-guide babble about the Computer Initiative and the Knowledge
    Initiative, blah blah blah.

    But then the sinister melded with the mundane. For a small voice piped up,
    the voice of a VERY SHORT WOMAN (just a little taller then the Desk itself
    -- just under four feet), and asked some silly question or another about
    the computers. In response to this, the Great Satan didst open her mouth,
    laugh in a comradelike fashion, answer the question in a vaguely
    informative manner. Yea, she did all these things, and yet one more thing:
    SHE REACHED OUT HER HAND AND DID PAT THE POOR WOMAN ON THE HEAD.

    Tina, Ray, and Dave -- the intrepid Aide Station trio -- tried valiantly to
    restrain their laughter and shock, and did so for that vital bit of time it
    took the tour to depart. For a moment more, they sat in quiet shock, and
    then Tina did say, "Did she just pat that woman on the head????!"

    And there was much laughter and weeping, for joy and sorrow were
    intermingled: joy at the ridiculous antics of the Mischievous Maven of Tour
    Mayhem, and yet sorrow that, MY GOD, THIS IS THE PRODUCT OF THE TOUTED DREW
    EDUCATION!!!!!!! This, indeed, is the very performance that is supposed to
    attract students and families to Drew.

    Ack.
    Ack.
    Ack, I say.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    [Editor's Note: Thanks to Marla Stauffer for sending me the full,
    correctly-attributed article, about a contest by the Washington Post.]

    Bad Analogies

    From Douglas Grant Style Invitational Report from Week 120: (from the
    Washington Post, July 23, 1995), in which we asked you to come up with bad
    analogies. The results were great, though we feel compelled to point out
    that there is a fine line between an analogy that is so bad it is good and
    an analogy that is so good it is bad. See what we mean.

    4th Runner-Up:

    Oooo, he smells bad, she thought, as bad as Calvin Klein's Obsession would
    smell if it were called Enema and was made from spoiled Spamburgers instead
    of natural floral fragrances. (Jennifer Frank, Washington, and Jimmy
    Pontzer, Sterling)

    3rd Runner-Up:

    The baseball player stepped out of the box and spit like a fountain statue
    of a Greek god that scratches itself a lot and spits brown, rusty tobacco
    water and refuses to sign autographs for all the little Greek kids unless
    they pay him lots of drachmas. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

    2nd Runner-Up:

    I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name for it,
    like Geschpooklichkeit or something, but I don't speak German. Anyway, it's
    a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic
    gizmos that close your bread bags. I don't know the name for those either.
    (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)

    1st Runner-Up:

    She was as unhappy as when someone puts your cake out in the rain, and all
    the sweet green icing flows down and then you lose the recipe, and on top
    of that you can't sing worth a damn. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

    And the winner of the framed Scarlet Fever sign:

    His fountain pen was so expensive it looked as if someone had grabbed the
    pope, turned him upside down and started writing with the tip of his big
    pointy hat. (Jeffrey Carl, Richmond)

    Honorable Mentions:

    He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)

    The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
    them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)

    The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a
    Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)

    He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who
    went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes
    with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high
    schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of
    those boxes with a pinhole in it. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

    She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to
    dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open
    again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)

    The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling
    ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

    McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with
    vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)

    From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
    surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and
    "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

    Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. (Chuck Smith,
    Woodbridge)

    Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
    (Russell Beland, Springfield)

    Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access
    T:flw.quid>55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quid>aaakk/ch@ung by
    mistake (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

    Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

    Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie
    this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall
    Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield)

    Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
    grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
    Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19
    p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

    They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
    resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

    John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also
    never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

    The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of
    metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. (Barbara
    Fetherolf, Alexandria)

    His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
    underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

    The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. (Jennifer
    Frank and Jimmy Pontzer, Washington and Sterling)

    After sending in my entries for the Style Invitational, I feel relieved and
    apprehensive, like a little boy who has just wet his bed. (Wayne Goode,
    Madison, Ala.)
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    From: "JERRY R. HAYS" (JHAYS@worldnet.att.net)

    ANGELS

    It was supposed to be a happy time, but it wasn't. Santa was really pissed.
    It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all
    the Christmas cookies. The Elves were bitching about not getting paid for
    the overtime they had put in while making toys, and the reindeer had been
    drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. They had taken the sleigh out
    for a spin earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree, breaking off one
    of the runners.

    Santa was beside himself with anger. "I CAN'T believe it! I've got to
    deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours from
    now and all my reindeer are drunk, my Elves are on strike and I don't even
    have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS a go to
    find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"

    Just then the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the
    snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree.

    He says: "Yo, Santa, where do you want me to stick the Christmas Tree this
    year???"

    And thus the tradition of Angels perched atop the Christmas trees came to
    pass. . . . .
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    [email]

    AOL

    [Editor's note: this has made the rounds of various humor lists and
    newsgroups, but is to the best of my knowledge a true story. That makes it
    all the more frightening.]

    I live in Berlin, Germany and asked a friend in the U.S. per email to call
    American Online in the States and have them send their AOL install
    diskettes to me at my Berlin address. My friend called AOL, then sent me
    this message:
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    I called AOL for you but had "an experience" talking to the minimum-wage
    employee who attempted to take your address.

    I pronounced your name for her and then spelled it (SLOWLY). I gave her the
    street address and spelled it. Faithfully following her script, she then
    asked for the State (as in which US state).

    I replied, "actually it is in Berlin, Germany" and gave her the postal
    code. I didn't think it necessary to spell Berlin, Germany. My mistake.
    After a silence she said, "That's G-R?" I then spelled Germany for her. She
    said, "No, I mean the abbreviation." I said, "Are you trying to abbreviate
    Germany in the 'State field' on your computer screen?" "Yes," she replied.
    I told her again that it was not at United States address, that GR sounded
    like a good abbreviation but it was not a US state and that she might have
    to spell out Germany on another line. She replied, "I know it's not in the
    US, it's in Canada."

    If there were any doubt I was in trouble, it was now certain.

    I clarified that Berlin was a city in the country of Germany and that
    neither were anywhere near Canada. Silence ... Me: "You know, the country
    in Europe ... Hitler and all that Nazi stuff from the 1940's ..."

    Silence ...

    Her: "So the city is B-U-N-L-E-R?"
    Me: "No, it's Berlin ... Berlin, Germany ... B-E-R-L-I-N"
    Her: "OK, but what's the state?"

    AAAAaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh! Lucy just pulled the
    football out from under me again.

    Again I told her that there wasn't a US state involved. I know there is a
    German equivalent of a state that Berlin is in but I couldn't remember the
    name, nor its abbreviation, nor did I think giving it to her if I had it
    would do any good.

    I'm not done yet ...

    Then she asks me for a phone number. Not having yours readily available to
    her, I replied, "I'm calling you locally from the States and I don't have a
    phone number in Berlin to give you."

    A brief pause. . .

    Her: "So, what was your phone number again?"

    AAAAaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh! I gave her my phone
    number because I knew, like a computer program with no escapes from an
    endless loop, if she didn't fill in the phone number line, I'd never get
    off the phone and you'd never get AOL. Imagine if I had given her your
    phone number with all those numbers and no familiar (xxx) xxx-xxxx format.
    My god, what would she have done then???

    She ended the call by reading the "namestring" script, "Thank you ... Mr.
    'tan-GAY' ... for ordering America On-Line. Your order will arrive within 2
    weeks. Have a nice day."

    Good luck.
    Paul

    by Edward Tanguay
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Date: Fri, 11 Aug 1995 17:11:35 EDT
    From: CODY@MAINE.MAINE.EDU
    Newsgroups: rec.humor
    Subject: Diary of an AOL user

    july 18- i just tried to connect to america online, which I've heard is the
    best online service I can get. i can't connect, i dont know what is wrong.

    july 19- some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a
    modem. i dont see why. hes just trying to cheat me. how dumb does he think
    i am?

    july 20- i bought the modem. i couldnt figure out where it goes. it wouldnt
    fit in the moniter or the printer. im confused.

    july 21- i finally got the modem in and hooked up. that three year old next
    door did it for me.

    july 22- that three year old kid next door hooked me up to america online
    for me. hes so smart.

    july 23- whats the internet? i thought i was on america online, not this
    internet thingy. im confused.

    july 24- the three year old kid next door showed me how to use this america
    online stuff. he must be a genius, at least compared to me.

    july 25- i tried to use chat today. i tried to talk into my computer but
    nothing happened. maybe i need to buy a microphone.

    july 26- i found this thingy called usenet. i got out of it because im
    connected to america online, not usenet. i went to the doctor today for my
    regular checkup. he says that since i connected to america online, my brain
    has mysteriously shrunk to half its normal size.

    july 27- these people in this usenet thingy keep using capital letters. how
    do they do that? i never figured out how to type capital letters. maybe
    they have a different type of keyboard.

    july 28- i found this thingy called the usenet oracle. it says that it can
    answer any questions i ask it. i asked it 44 seperate questions about the
    internet. i hope it responds soon.

    july 29- i found a group called rec.humor. i decided to post this joke
    about why the chicken crossed the road. to get to the other side! ha ha! i
    wasn't sure if i posted it right so i posted it 56 more times.

    july 30- i keep hearing about the world wide web. i didnt know spiders grew
    that large.

    july 31- the oracle responded to my questions today. geez, it was rude. i
    was so angry that i posted an angry message about it to rec.humor.oracle.d.
    i wasn't sure if it posted right so i posted it 22 more times.

    august 1- someone told me to read the faq. geez, they didn't have to use
    profanity.

    august 2- i just read this post called make money fast. im so exited, im
    going to make lots of money. i followed his instructions and posted it to
    every newsgroup i could find.

    august 3- i just made my signature file. its only 6 pages long, so i will
    have to work on it some more.

    august 4- i just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. i read a few posts
    and i really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the earth. i
    wonder what an "aol" is, however.

    august 5- i was asking where to find some information about something. some
    guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. ive looked and looked, but i cant
    find that group.

    august 6- some guy suspended my account because of what i was doing. i told
    him i don't have an account at his bank. hes so dumb.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    [To the tune of "American Pie"]

    A long, long, time ago
    I can still remember when I dialed up their help desk lines.
    And I knew if I had the chance
    They could make my modem dance
    with chats and GIFs and silly pick-up lines.

    But Help Desk phone calls made me shiver
    with every busy they'd deliver.
    Bad news on the front page
    A 19-hour outrage.

    I can't remember if I cried
    when I realized that Steve Case had lied.
    But something touched me deep inside
    The day the service died.

    So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
    Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine.
    And good old geeks are cheering users offline
    Saying this'll be the day that they die.
    This'll be the day that they die.

    Did you write the book of TOS
    Will you send your password to PWD-BOSS
    If an IM tells you so.

    And will you believe the Motley Fool
    When he tells you that the service rules
    And can you teach me how to Web real slow?

    Well I know you sold the service short
    Cause I saw your quarterly report.

    Steve Case sold off his stock
    It fell just like a rock.

    It was a crazy, costly high-tech play
    As they slashed away at what subscribers pay
    And half their users went away
    the day the service died.

    So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
    Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
    And good old geeks are cheering users offline
    Saying this'll be the day that they die.
    This'll be the day that they die.

    Well for two days we've been on our own
    And dial-ins click on a rolling phone
    But that's not how it used to be

    When the mogul came to Virginia court
    With an OS icon and a browser port
    And a desktop that looked like Apple III.

    And while Jim Clark was looking down
    The mogul stole his thorny crown

    The browser war was turned.
    Mozilla...was spurned.

    And while Steve left users out to bond
    With hosts unable to respond
    6 million newbies all were conned
    the day the service died.

    So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
    Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
    And good old geeks are cheering users offline
    Saying this'll be the day that they die.
    This'll be the day that they die.

    Da Chronic ducked their software guards
    And stole a million credit cards
    To use accounts he'd gotten free.

    And so Steve Case went to the FBI
    and he told Boardwatch a little lie
    That hackers wanted child pornography But while Steve Case was looking down
    The hackers pulled his e-mail down

    They put it on the net.
    He can't be trusted yet!

    And while user cynicism climbs
    At sign-on ads and welcome rhymes
    They scan their e-mail for "Good Times"
    the day the service died.

    So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
    Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
    And good old geeks are cheering users offline
    Saying this'll be the day that they die.
    This'll be the day that they die.

    Helter-skelter billing needs a melter
    The lawyers filed a class-action shelter
    Eight million in lawyer's fees.

    But it looks like some attorney jibe
    an hour if they resubscribe.
    To a service marketed for free

    Well I KNOW you're raking in the bucks
    Cause I'm reading alt.aol-sucks.

    "Until we bless the suit
    The settlement is moot."

    "If AOL treats you like the Borg
    Then visit aolsucks.org
    Before some router pulls the cord..."
    the day the service died.

    So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
    Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
    And good old geeks are cheering users offline
    Saying this'll be the day that they die.
    This'll be the day that they die.

    Bill Razzouk, the head-to-be
    sold off his home in Tennessee
    And headed for a 4-month end.

    Was he sad or just incensed
    when Case offered him his thirty cents.
    Billing is the devil's only friend.

    But as I read him on the page
    My hands were clenched in fists of rage.

    No "Welcome" born in hell
    could ring that chatroom bell.

    And as chat freaks cried into the night
    CompuServe read their last rites.
    I saw Earthlink laughing with delight
    the day the service died.

    So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
    Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
    And good old geeks are cheering users offline
    Saying this'll be the day that they die.
    This'll be the day that they die.

    I met a girl in Lobby 9
    And I asked her if she'd stay on-line.
    But she just frowned and looked away.

    And I went back to the Member Lounge
    To see what loyalty I could scrounge
    But Room Host said the members went away...

    And on the net the modems scream
    At faster speeds and data streams.

    And not a tear was spoken.
    The hourly fees were broken.

    And the three men that I hated most
    Ted, and Steve, and Razzouk's ghost
    They couldn't dial up the host
    The day the service died.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Application for Permission to Live in New Hampshire


    NAME: _____________________________________________________________________


    ETHNIC INFORMATION: (voluntary)
    White ( )

    TYPE OF CARS OWNED:
    Pickup Truck ( )
    You don't own any Foreign cars, do you? NO ( )

    CAR EQUIPMENT:
    Gun Rack ( ) Stash ( ) CB ( ) Beer Holder( )
    Playboy air freshener ( )

    BUMPER STICKERS:
    "Ex-wife in trunk" ( )
    "If Guns are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Have Guns" ( )
    "Bush/Quayle" ( )
    "Shit Happens" ( )
    "If you don't like my driving, get off the sidewalk" ( )

    SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Heterosexual ( )

    FAVORITE CAUSE: NRA ( ) Prolife ( )

    Total given to these causes in the last 12 months: ________________

    FAVORITE DRUGS:
    Grass ( )

    WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING SHOULD BE BANNED?: (check all that apply)
    Democrats ( ) Welfare ( ) N.O.W. ( )


    FAVORITE BEER:
    Miller ( ) Michelob ( ) Bud ( )



    FAVORITE POLITICIAN:
    Don't Care ( )

    CLUB MEMBERSHIPS:
    NRA ( )


    How Automatic Weapons do you own?

    5 ( ) 10 ( ) More than that ( )

    FAVORITE TV SHOW: Benny Hill ( )

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Application for Permission to Live in Massachusetts


    NAME: _____________________________________________________________________
    (extra space left due to new social awareness)

    ETHNIC INFORMATION: (voluntary)
    Eskimo ( ) American Indian ( ) Hispanic ( ) Asian ( )
    African-American ( ) American-African ( ) Black-American ( )
    Other Group With A Long History Of Oppression By White Males ( )
    (specify, so we can help you form a political action group)

    ___________________________________________________

    TYPE OF CARS OWNED (pick two):
    SAAB ( ) Volvo ( ) BMW ( ) Mercedes ( ) Honda ( )

    You don't own any *American* cars, do you? NO ( )

    CAR EQUIPMENT:
    Blaupunkt ( ) Passport ( ) Escort ( ) Vuarnet Sunglasses ( )
    Stash ( ) CD ( ) Cellular Phone ( ) Ski Rack ( )
    Bicycle Rack ( ) Wine Rack ( )

    BUMPER STICKERS:
    "You can't hug a child with nuclear arms" ( ) "Greenpeace" ( )
    "Dukakis/Bentsen" ( ) "Save the Whales" ( ) "Farms not Arms" ( )

    SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Gay ( ) Lesbian ( ) Other ( )
    (note: failure to give the proper answer to the above means you can't
    live in certain towns on the Cape, or get elected to Congress)

    FAVORITE CAUSE: Whales ( ) Baby Seals ( ) Snail Darter ( )
    Total given to these causes in the last 12 months: ________________

    FAVORITE DRUGS:
    Crack ( ) Coke ( ) Grass ( ) Kitty's Diet Plan ( )

    WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING SHOULD BE BANNED?: (check all that apply)
    The Bomb ( ) Handguns ( ) All guns ( ) Nuclear Power ( )
    Cigarettes ( ) The NRA ( ) Republicans ( )

    WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING SHOULD BE LEGALIZED?: (check all that apply)
    Crack ( ) Coke ( ) Grass ( ) Needles ( )
    Flag Burning ( )

    FAVORITE BEER:
    Samuel Adams ( ) Beck's ( ) Corona(w/lime) ( )
    Latest trendy brand ( )

    FAVORITE POLITICIAN:
    Ted Kennedy ( ) John Kennedy ( ) Bobby Kennedy ( ) Joe Kennedy ( )

    CLUB MEMBERSHIPS:
    ACLU ( ) Greenpeace ( ) SDS ( ) N.O.W. ( ) A.F.S.C.M.E ( )
    Billy Bulger Breakfast Club ( ) Provincetown Boys Club ( )
    Bull-dykes Kennel Club ( )

    Even though we can't ever get any more power from Hydro-Quebec, don't you
    think that Seabrook should remain closed forever? YES ( )

    Don't you think that the people in the Midwest should stop dropping acid
    rain on our vacation homes in Vermont, even if it means that they all lose
    their jobs? YES ( )

    How many watts (per channel, RMS) is your principal home stereo?
    100W ( ) 200W ( ) More than that ( )

    How many air conditioners do you have to help you through our long New
    England summers?: 2 ( ) 3 ( ) 4 ( ) Central Air ( )
    (note: Fewer than two A/C units may qualify you for state
    subsidies if you are a non-white unemployed Democrat)

    FAVORITE TV SHOW: Thirtysomething ( )

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    ~From: k-hamer@ux1.cso.uiuc.edu (hamer kenneth l)
    ~Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery
    ~Subject: Re: Setting up new area

    dgware@omni.voicenet.com (Don Ware) writes:

    >Hey. I'm actually a responsible person asking how to get a new area set
    up.
    >I've heard it can be done but haven't found the answer.

    That's good. We wouldn't want any irresponsible people setting up new
    areas...

    First, you need to decide how big an area you need. Small areas are easy,
    because there are many small spaces available behind dumpsters or under
    stairwells. However, to find a large area you will have to either set up in
    an undesirable region or aquire space from others. This is often done
    through a lease, but if you have enough funds you can purchase space from
    others for your area. If you have enough resources, you can just take the
    space you need for your area, like Iraq did with Kuwait.

    Then you need to decide what to put in your area. I'm partial to houses,
    but a theme park is always good. Avoid shopping malls, there are too many.
    For small areas an espresso stand will work, or perhaps just a bean bag
    chair to sit on.

    If it is to be a private area, then you can stop there. Otherwise, you need
    to let others know about your area. There are many possibilities here, but
    I suggest by telling your friends.

    Please do not distribute this information. If any irresponsible person off
    the Usenet knew how to set up an area, then we'd be in trouble.

    Remember: You can never be too vague when describing a problem. Sysadmins
    are all psychic anyway.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    [Editor's Note: The Ariane 5 was a rocket that exploded on its first
    launch. The following is a "translation" of the press release that followed
    the explosion.]

    Date: Wed, 5 Jun 1996 15:26:11 -0500 (CDT)
    From: RJ- (rj@tezcat.com)
    Subject: Re: Spin-doctoring the Ariane 5 launch

    >The first Ariane-5 flight did not result in validation of
    >Europe's new launcher.

    Translation: It blew up.

    >It was the first flight test of an entirely new vehicle each of
    >whose elements had been tested on the ground in the course
    >of the past years and months.

    Translation: It never blew up on the ground.

    >Of an entirely new design, the launcher uses engines ten times
    >as powerful as those of the Ariane-4 series. Its electronic
    >brain is a hundred times more powerful than that used on
    >previous Ariane launchers. The very many qualification
    >reviews and ground tests imposed extremely tough checks on
    >the correctness of all the choices made. There are, however,
    >no absolute guarantees. A launcher's capability can be
    >demonstrated only in flight under actual launch conditions.

    Translation: It was bigger and prettier than our previous toy. But it still
    blew up.

    >A second test already scheduled under the development plan
    >will take place in a few months' time. Before that, everything
    >will have to be done to establish the reasons for this setback
    >and make the corrections necessary for a successful second
    >test. An inquiry board will be set up in the next few days.
    >It will be required to submit, by mid-July, an entirely
    >independent report identifying the causes of the incident and
    >proposing modifications designed to prevent any further
    >incidents.

    Translation: We have 6 weeks to come up with a good excuse or they won't
    let us blow up another one.

    >Ariane-5 is a major challenge for space activities in Europe.
    >The skills of all the teams involved in the programme,
    >coupled with the determination and solidarity of all the
    >political, technical and industrial authorities, make us
    >confident of a successful outcome.

    Translation: We haven't figured out which poor bastard to fire for blowing
    the damn thing up, yet.

    RJ "After you try selling to NASA, this all makes sense" Johnson
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    [email]

    ARM

    SO HOW'D YOU BREAK YOUR ARM?

    by Gloria Abrahamson Mohall Farmer

    A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of
    story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were perfect.
    12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, "tell me when w
    e're having fun" kind of day.

    One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in
    dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there
    was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for
    female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go
    away.

    If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a
    temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So, with time running
    out, the woman weighed her options.

    Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since
    she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No
    o ne would even notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than
    adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and
    proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope,
    then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set up your skis so you
    don't move. Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way.

    Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without
    warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing
    through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and into another slope. Her
    derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her
    knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.

    She continued on backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual
    vista for the other skiers.

    The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift and
    finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke
    her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband
    arrived, put an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the
    mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.

    In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously
    broken leg was put in the bed next to hers.

    "So. how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk.

    "It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up this
    ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy
    woman skiing backward out-of-control down the mountain with her bare bottom
    hanging out of her clothes and pants down around her knees."

    "I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize how far
    I'd moved. I fell out of the lift."

    "So, how'd you break your arm?"
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    A number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth
    under the baton of Milton Katims...

    At this point, you must understand two things:

    (1) There's a long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't
    have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.

    (2) There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400 right across the street from
    the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians.

    It had been decided that during this performance, after the bass players
    had played their parts in the opening of the Ninth, they were to quietly
    lay down their instruments and leave the stage rather than sit on their
    stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes.

    Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the
    street and quaff a few brews. After they had downed the first couple
    rounds, one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back? It'd be awfully
    embarrassing if we were late."

    Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first
    place, replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I
    tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets
    down to there, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he
    waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other."

    So they had another round and finally returned to the Opera House, a little
    tipsy by now. However, as they came back on stage, one look at their
    conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble.

    Katims was furious! And why not? After all...

    It was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, and the basses were
    loaded.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    BABY(1) USER COMMANDS BABY(1)

    NAME
    BABY - create new process from two parent processes

    SYNOPSIS
    BABY sex [ name ]

    SYSTEM V SYNOPSIS
    /usr/5bin/BABY [ -sex ] [ -name ]

    AVAILABILITY
    The System V version of this command is available with the Sys-
    tem V software installation option. Refer to Installing
    SunOS 4.1 for information on how to install and invoke BABY.

    DESCRIPTION
    BABY is initiated when one parent process polls another server
    process through a socket connection (BSD) or through pipes in the
    system V implementation. BABY runs at a low priority for approximately
    40 weeks then terminates with heavy system load. Most systems require
    constant monitering when BABY reaches it's final stages of execution.

    Older implentations of BABY required that the initiating
    process not be present at the time of completion, In these versions
    the initiating process is awakened and notified of the results upon
    completion. Modern versions allow both parent processes to be active
    during the final stages of BABY.


    example% BABY -sex m -name fred

    OPTIONS

    -sex
    option indicating type of process created.

    -name
    process identification to be attaced to the new process.

    RESULT
    Successful execution of the BABY(1) results in new process
    being created and named. Parent processes then typically
    broadcast messages to all other processes informing them of their
    new status in the system.


    BUGS
    The SLEEP command may not work on either parent processes for some
    time afterward, as new BABY processes constantly send interrupts
    which must be handled by one or more parent.

    BABY processes upon being created may frequently dump
    in /tmp requireing /tmp to be cleaned out frequently by one
    of the parent processes.

    The original AT&T version was provided without instuctions
    regarding the created process, this remains in current implementations.

    SEE ALSO
    cigars(6) dump(5) cry(3)

    OTHER IMPLEMENTATIONS

    gnoops(1)
    FSF version of BABY where none of the authors will accept
    responsibility for anything.

    NOTES

    baby -sex f -name Cathryn Leigh Beck

    completed sucessfully at the Grey Nuns Hospital on March 30 at
    9:59 P.M. after 5 hours of labour. New Mom Chenelle is doing
    fine, as is the baby, Dad is tickled pink. Both will probably
    come home sometime on Teusday. More information can be gotten
    from Dad by e-mail or when he brings his new little girl by to
    show her off (should be soon) Celebrations can probably begin
    in earnest after Dad catches up on all the work he couldn't do
    this weekend.


    Sun Release 4.1 Last change: Just before I left the hospital last.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    BARBIES WE WOULD LIKE TO SEE

    Birkenstock Barbie: Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and
    comfortable sandals. Made from recycled materials.

    Bisexual Barbie: Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken.

    Bite-The-Bullet Barbie: An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera,
    detachable limbs, fake blood, and the ability to perform surgery on herself
    in the Outback.

    Blue Collar Barbie: Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail,
    UAW membership, pamphlet on union-organizing and pay scales for women as
    compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons may be purchased
    separately for Barbies who are holding down second jobs in order to make
    ends meet.

    Our Barbies Ourselves: Anatomically correct Barbie, both inside and out,
    comes with spreadable legs, her own speculum, magnifying glass, and
    detailed diagrams of female anatomy so that little girls can learn about
    their bodies in a friendly, non-threatening way. Also included: tiny Kotex,
    booklets on sexual responsibility. Accessories such as contraceptives, sex
    toys, expanding uterus with fetus at various stages of development, and
    breastpump are all optional, underscoring that each young woman has the
    right to chose what she does with her own Barbie.

    Rebbe Barbie: So why not? Women rabbis are on the cutting edge in Judaism.
    Rebbe Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke, prayer shawl, teffilin, silver
    kaddish cup, Torah scrolls. Optional: tiny mezzuzah for doorway of Barbie
    Townhouse.

    Homegirl Barbie: Truly fly Barble in midriff-bearing shirt and baggy jeans.
    Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories, and plenty of attitude. Pull
    cord and she says things like "I don't think so,""Dang, get outta my face,"
    and "You go, girl." Teaches girls not to take shit from men and
    condesending White people.

    Transgender Barbie: Formerly known as G.I. Joe.

    Robotic Barbie: Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous two-legged walking
    machine! After falling over, she says "Control theory is hard. Damn these
    spike heels anyway!"

    Dinner Roll Barbie: A Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin, a
    real curvy belly, generous tits and ass, and voluminous thighs to show
    girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a miniature basket
    of dinner rolls, tiny Entenmann's walnut ring, a t-shirt reading "Only the
    Weak Don't Eat," and, of course, an appetite.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    The recent announcement that Mattel and the producers of "Baywatch" have
    joined forces to create Baywatch Barbie came as no surprise. After all,
    both companies have made millions off airheads with flawless skins, Malibu
    tans and synthetic breasts.

    If Baywatch Barbie sells well, other Barbie/TV tie-ins seem certain to
    follow. Some possibilities:

    Melrose Place Barbie: Comes complete with her Barbie Dream Apartment, where
    Skipper and the rest of the gang live rent-free. Other accessories include
    a bottle of vodka, silk sheets, and an arrest warrant.

    Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman: This helpful doll offers other homesteaders
    important tips like what conditioner to use out on the Plains and how to
    take care of their nails while shoeing a horse.

    America's Most Wanted Barbie: She's on the run after 30 years of crime
    against feminism.

    Oprah Barbie: Push a button on her back and this Barbie actually speaks!
    Hold your very own talk show with topics like how tough math class is,
    Ballerina Barbie's struggle with bulimia, Kens who wear Barbie's clothes.

    My So-Called Barbie: She faces the same troubling issues as regular teens
    who don't have huge wardrobes, perfect bods, pools, and ponies.

    Roseanne Barbie: The dark side of the American dream is explored with this
    doll, which shows what happened after Barbie graduated from high school,
    married too young and ate too much.

    Murder, Barbie Wrote: Whenever this elder stateswoman of the Barbie set
    (she's 27!) arrives in the playhouse, all the other dolls mysteriously
    disappear.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    [Editor's Note: This, like much of the material on this humor page, has
    been floating around the net for some time. However, according to a page
    that goes by the name of Hacker Barbe Dream Basement Apartment, this is
    actually a ripoff of an original usenet post by Kurt Hemr. Whatever, I find
    it amusing anyway.]

    (LA, California) Mattel announces their new line of Barbie products, the
    "Hacker Barbie." These new dolls will be released next month. The aim of
    these dolls is to revert the stereotype that women are numerophobic,
    computer-illiterate, and academically challenged.

    This new line of Barbie dolls comes equipped with Barbie's very own
    xterminal and UNIX documentation as well as ORA's "In a Nutshell" series.
    The Barbie is robed in a dirty button-up shirt and a pair of worn-out jeans
    with Casio all-purpose watches and thick glasses that can set ants on fire.
    Pocket protectors and HP calculators optional. The new Barbie has the
    incredible ability to stare at the screen without blinking her eyes and to
    go without eating or drinking for 12 hours straight. Her vocabulary mainly
    consists of technical terms such as "IP address," "TCP/IP," "kernel,"
    "NP-complete," and "Alpha AXP's."

    "We are very excited about this product," said John Olson, Marketing
    Executive, "and we hope that the Hacker Barbie will offset the damage
    incurred by the mathophobic Barbie." A year ago, Mattel released Barbie
    dolls that say, "Math is hard," with condescending companions Ken. The
    Hacker Barbie's Ken is an incompetent consultant who frequently asks Barbie
    for help.

    The leading feminists are equally excited about this new line of Barbie
    dolls. Naomi Wuuf says, "I believe that these new dolls will finally
    terminate the notion that women are inherently inferior when it comes to
    mathematics and the sciences. However, I feel that Ken's hierarchical
    superiority would simply reinforce the patriarchy and oppress the masses."
    Mattel made no comment.

    Parents, however, are worried that they would become technologically behind
    by comparison to the children when the Hacker Barbie comes out. "My
    daughter Jenny plays with the prototype Hacker Barbie over yonder for two
    days," says Mrs. Mary Carlson of Oxford, Mississippi, "and as y'all know,
    she now pays my credit card bill. Ain't got no idea how she duz it, but she
    surely duz it. I jus don't wanna be looked upon as a dumb mama." Mattel
    will be offering free training courses for those who purchase the Hacker
    Barbie.

    The future Hacker Barbie will include several variations to deal with the
    complex aspects of Barbie. "Hacker Barbie Goes to Jail" will teach computer
    ethics to youngsters, while "BARB1E R1TES L1KE BIFF!!!" will serve as an
    introduction to expository writing.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Things Bart has had to write on the chalkboard as punishment:

    I will not defame New Orleans
    I will not waste chalk
    I will not skateboard in the halls
    I will not burp in class
    I will not instigate a revolution
    I will not draw naked ladies in class
    I did not see Elvis
    I will not call my teacher 'Hot Cakes'
    Garlic gum is not funny
    They are laughing at me, not with me
    I will not yell "fire" in a crowded classroom
    I will not encourage others to fly
    I will not fake my way through life
    Tar is not a plaything
    I will not Xerox my butt
    I will not trade my pants with others
    I will not do that thing with my tongue
    I will not drive the principal's car
    I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
    I will not sell school property
    I will not cut corners
    " " " " "
    " " " " "
    " " " " "
    I will not get very far with this attitude
    I will not make flatulent noises in class
    I will not belch the National Anthem
    I will not sell land in Florida
    I will not grease the monkey bars
    I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
    I will not do anything bad ever again
    I will not show off {Written in an Old English font}
    I will not sleep through my education
    I am not a dentist
    Spitwads are not free speech
    Nobody likes sunburn slappers
    High explosives and school don't mix
    I will not bribe Principal Skinner
    I will finish what I sta
    Hamsters cannot fly
    Underwear should be worn on the inside
    The Christmas pageant does not stink
    I will not torment the emotionally frail
    I will not carve gods
    I will not spank others
    I will not aim for the head
    I will not barf unless I am sick
    I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty
    I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's [sic] lounge
    I will not conduct my own fire drills
    Funny noises are not funny
    I will not snap bras
    I will not fake seizures
    This punishment is not boring and meaningless
    My name is not Dr. Death
    I will not prescribe medication
    I will not bury the new kid
    I will not bring sheep to class
    A burp is not an answer
    Teacher is not a leper
    I will not eat things for money
    I will not yell "She's dead!" during roll call
    The principal's toupee is not a frisbee
    I will not squeak chalk
    Goldfish do not bounce
    Mud is not one of the 4 food groups
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    [email]

    BAT

    Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
    Subject: Bat Story (long)
    From: arms@olivey.atc.olivetti.com (Steve @ His Desk)
    Date: 1 Nov 90 00:30:05 GMT

    Ivrea, Italy, 18.September.1990
    By Craig Hockenberry

    This is a true story. I wish it weren't.

    Last night I had a little trouble getting to sleep, and it wasn't a case of
    insomnia.

    I had just finished brushing my teeth and was heading back to my bedroom
    for a much needed rest. Upon entering the room, I switched on the light and
    noticed a black object flying around the light in the center of the room. I
    thought to myself, "no problem, just a small bird that will fly out of the
    room when I open the window."

    After looking at this object for a few seconds, I realized that it was a
    BAT. My reaction was, and I quote, "SHIT!". Milliseconds later, I was in
    the next room looking at a closed door and wondering how the hell I was
    going to get rid of this thing...

    The window in the bedroom was closed and locked, hence it could not be
    opened from the outside of the house. This left me with one alternative ..
    going back in and flushing out the BAT.

    I returned to the bathroom and got a large towel which I put over my head.
    I slowly entered the room and started shaking the towel over my head while
    the BAT circled above. Too bad that bats can't see .. the sight of a 6'6"
    male in his underware hiding underneath a bath towel would cause any normal
    animal to die of laughter. I must have looked like an epileptic King Faud.

    I made my way, as quickly as possible, to the window and succeeded in
    opening it. After returning to the safety of the next room, I realized I
    was dealing with a STUPID BAT. The damn thing would not fly out of the
    room.

    My next brainstorm was to scare the STUPID BAT out of the bedroom. So, the
    man with the shaking towel on his head re-enters the room and tries to
    scare a STUPID BAT. Notice that I never said this was a clever brainstorm.

    After trying for several minutes (that seemed like hours), the STUPID BAT
    is still circling and I'm more scared than the STUPID BAT.

    I am running out of brainstorms at this point. That is until my cat walks
    up to the door and looks at me with an expression that can only be
    described as: "why are you standing at your bedroom door with a towel on
    your head?" Cats are good at recognizing abnormal behaviour.

    My cat, Roxy, is also quite a good hunter. She regularly brings dead
    objects into the house for inspection (that's another good story). By now,
    you probably are having the same brainstorm that I was last night. She can
    kill a moth as it flys through the air why can't she KILL the STUPID BAT as
    it flys through the air.

    At first, she is a little confused as I toss her into the bedroom to do her
    instinctive duty. However, as soon as the STUPID BAT goes into his flight
    pattern, she makes several stunning leaps into the air to KILL the STUPID
    BAT. Unlike her owner (who has finally realized that a towel on the head is
    not really needed against a STUPID BAT) she gives up and sits in the middle
    of the bed looking at the STUPID BAT hanging upside down on curtains and
    her owner peeking through the door. I'm sure she is thinking: "You are 6'6"
    tall. YOU can reach the STUPID BAT".

    I hate it when my cat has these great ideas.

    So, I slowly enter the room .. the STUPID BAT remains on the curtain ..
    Roxy is waiting patiently for an opportunity to attack .. I get within a
    couple of feet of the STUPID BAT .. the towel is wadded into an efficent,
    STUPID BAT KILLING projectile (thank God for rec.pyrotechnics) .. I'm ready
    to attack .. the towel is launched .. and the STUPID BAT comes straight at
    me! And I don't have a towel on my head!

    I don't know how, but I got out bedroom alive. I quickly went to the
    bathroom and got more ammo. I really want to KILL the STUPID BAT.

    So, I slowly enter the room .. the STUPID BAT remains on the curtain .. but
    this time I notice that the STUPID BAT is stuck in the curtain .. IT CAN'T
    MOVE!!! I find myself thanking God that this is a STUPID BAT .. if it were
    a SMART BAT, I'd be dead.

    Confident that I have won this battle, I slowly walk up to the STUPID BAT
    and wrap it up in a towel. I then quickly walk to the window and throw the
    entire bundle out the window. Within seconds, the window is closed and the
    sense of saftey overwhelms me.

    Before retiring for the night, there is one last thing to do. I need to
    collect all the ammo (towels) that have been used in this adventure. After
    putting away the towels that are inside the house, I remembered that there
    is still one more outside that used to contain a STUPID BAT.

    It's so dark outside, I don't even bother to put on a pair of pants so that
    I won't offend the neighbors. I easily find the towel in the faint light
    coming from the bedroom light and start to pick it up carefully by the
    corners. I want to shake it out to make EXTRA sure that the STUPID BAT is
    not still inside the towel. After all this, I'll be damned if I'm going to
    take the STUPID BAT back into the house.

    Suddenly, I feel a small fur covered object rub against my arm! It makes me
    jump about 3 feet and nearly gives me a heart attack. After recovering, I
    slowly approached the towel to find Roxy looking up at me with the
    expression: "Thanks for putting this towel outside for me to sleep on!"

    I wanted to KILL that STUPID CAT!
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    From: syr@netropolis.net (Bill Fason)
    Subject:The # of The Beast
    Date: Thu, 5 Sep 96 4:30:04 EDT

    OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast.

    But did you know that:

    $665.95 - Retail price of the Beast
    $699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax
    $769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and
    replacement soul
    $656.66 - Walmart price of the Beast
    6, uh... what
    was that number
    again? - Number of the Blonde Beast
    00666 - Zip code of the Beast
    1-900-666-0666 - Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now!
    Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.
    Route 666 - Highway of the Beast
    666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast
    666k - Retirement plan of the Beast
    6.66 % - 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast National
    Bank, $666 minimum deposit.
    i66686 - CPU of the Beast
    666i - BMW of the Beast
    DSM-666 - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
    668 - Next-door neighbor of the Beast

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    From: Sean Ahern (ahern@llnl.gov)
    Newsgroups: alt.fan.dave_barry
    Subject: Another story for Dave (if he's even here)
    Date: 3 Aug 1995 17:08:58 GMT

    On Tue, 1 Aug 1995 16:54:45 -0700 Dante Marcelo wrote:

    This week, a million fraternity brothers rushed to join NASA. The reason:
    scientists have discovered beer in space.

    Well, not beer exactly. But they did find alcohol: ethyl alcohol, to be
    precise, the active ingredient in all major alcoholic drinks (antifreeze
    Jell-O shots, quite obviously, are exempted from this category). Three
    British scientists, Drs. Tom Millar, Geoffrey MacDonald and Rolf Habing,
    discovered this interstellar Everclear floating in a gas cloud in the
    contellation of Aquila (sign of the Eagle, the mascot of Anheuser-Busch!
    Hmmmmm).

    Millar and his compatriots have estimated the size of this gas cloud at
    approximately 1,000 times the diameter of our own solar system; there's
    enough alcohol out there, they say, to make 400 trillion trillion pints of
    beer. These guys are British, mind you; if you were to translate this in
    terms of American beer (which the British, with some justification, regard
    as fermented club soda), the amount of potential brewski just about
    doubles.

    In human terms: remember that double-keg party you threw at the end of your
    Junior year in college (the second Junior year)? Imagine throwing that same
    party, every eight hours, for the next 30 billion years. You'd STILL have
    beer left over. And boy, would YOUR bathroom be a mess! Simply put, no one
    could ever drink 400 trillion trillion pints of beer, except maybe Buffalo
    Bills fans.

    The sheer volume of all this alcohol begs the question of how it managed to
    get out there in the first place. Despite the simplifying effect it has on
    the human brain, ethyl alcohol is a reasonably complex molecule: two carbon
    atoms, five hydrogen atoms, and a hydroxyl radical, all cavorting together
    in beery camaraderie. It's not a compound that is going to spontaneously
    arise out of the cold depths of space. It can lead to speculation: What is
    this cloud?

    1. It's God's beer. After all, He worked for six days creating the
    universe, and on the seventh day, He rested. And after you've had a hard
    week at the office, don't YOU grab a beer? Since man is made in God's
    image, it could be that this cloud is the remaining evidence of the first,
    best Miller Time.

    2. It's Purgatory ("400 trillion trillion bottles of beer on the wall, 400
    trillion trillion bottles of beer! Take one down, pass it around, three
    hundred ninety-nine septillion, nine hundred ninety-nine sextillion, nine
    hundred ninety-nine quintillion, nine hundred ninety-nine quadrillion, nine
    hundred ninety-nine trillion, nine hundred ninety-nine billion, nine
    hundred ninety-nine million, nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine
    hundred ninety-nine, bottles of beer on the wall!")

    3. Proof of an undeniably highly advanced but chronically dipsomaniac alien
    society. This particular theory is shaky, however: it's reasonable to
    assume that if the aliens were going to construct a nebula of alcohol,
    they'd also have large clouds of Beer Nuts and pretzels nearby for
    snacking. Advanced spectral analysis has yet to locate them.

    The truth of the matter, however, is far more prosaic. In the middle of
    this gas cloud is a young and no doubt quite inebriated star. As the star
    heats up and contracts, sucking the dust and gas of the cloud into a
    smaller area, complex molecules form as a result of greater interaction
    between the elements. Ethyl alcohol forms on small motes of dust in the
    cloud, and then, as the motes angle in closer towards the star and heat up,
    the alcohol is released from the motes in gaseous form. And there you have
    it: an alcohol cloud. Or, as Dave Bowman might say, "My God! It's full of
    booze!"

    Enough with the science lesson, you say. Just tell me how to GET there!
    Sorry, Chuckles. You can't get there from here. The gas cloud (which, by
    the way, has the utterly romantic name of "G34.3") is 10,000 light years
    away: 58 quadrillion miles. Even if you hijacked the shuttle and headed out
    with thrusters on full, by the time you got there, the guy in Purgatory
    would be done with his tune. You'd have had time to work up a powerful
    thirst, but you'd also be, in a word, dead.

    No, the Space Beer Cloud will have to wait for the far future, when men can
    leap through the universe at warp speed. One can only imagine what they
    will do when they get there:

    Captain Kirk: My....GOD! Sulu! What....is....THAT?

    Sulu: It's a free floating cloud of alcohol, sir.

    Kirk: And we've just run out of Romulan Ale! Could it be a trap, Bones?

    Bones: Damn it, Jim! I'm a doctor, not a distiller of fine spirits!

    Kirk: We need that booze! But if we fly through that cloud, we'll be too
    drunk to drive!

    Spock: May I remind you, Jim, that I am a Vulcan. We are a race of
    designated drivers.

    Kirk: Well, all righty, then. Spock, drive us through! Bones and I will be
    out on the hull. With our mouths... open!

    To boldly drink what no man has drunk before.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Top Ten Reasons Why Beer is Better Than Jesus

    Posted on Rec.Humor By: Emil Hedaya (AKRR70B@prodigy.com)

    10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.

    9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.

    8. Beer has never caused a major war.

    7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.

    6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give
    it away.

    5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his
    brand of Beer.

    4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.

    3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.

    2. You can prove you have a Beer.

    1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    If Operating Systems Were Beers...

    DOS Beer:
    Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the
    directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an
    8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into
    8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to
    be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it
    after it's no longer available.

    Mac Beer:
    At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered
    by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take
    one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the
    can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't
    need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the
    trashcan.

    Windows 3.1 Beer:
    The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac
    Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you
    to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only
    drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the
    Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can
    of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

    OS/2 Beer:
    Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers
    simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too,
    but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open
    them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2
    Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9
    million six-packs have been sold.

    Windows 95 Beer:
    The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1
    Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have
    16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1
    Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The
    ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same
    ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that
    this is an entirely new brew.

    Windows NT Beer:
    Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes
    most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks
    just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to
    look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows 95 beer starts shipping.
    Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in
    bars.

    Unix Beer:
    Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz.
    Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim
    that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the
    pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own
    can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a
    complete set of instructions or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer
    for several years.

    AmigaDOS Beer:
    The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up
    by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer
    never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't
    understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely
    loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in
    32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared
    flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so
    it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for
    watching TV anyway.

    VMS Beer:
    Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping.
    However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely
    un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development
    environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients,
    you're told that is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the
    manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the
    Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have
    actually seen it.

    ...Author Unknown
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    This comes from Byte magazine. It was an April Fools joke some years ago

    ----------------------------

    DO YOU HAVE A RESTLESS URGE TO PROGRAM?

    ----------------------------

    Do you want the instant respect which comes from being able to use
    technical terms THAT NO ONE UNDERSTANDS?

    Do you want to strike fear and loathing into the hearts and minds (if
    available) of DP managers EVERYWHERE?

    If this is so, then let the Famous Programmers' School lead you into the
    world of PROFESSIONAL COMPUTER PROGRAMMING!

    ----------------------------

    Q: What do top programmers earn?

    A: Despite popular myths, some programmers actually DO earn a living they
    love. Other, less fortunate programmers work in their spare time at home
    while watching television. Either way, your potential earnings as a
    computer programmer could reach into the millions (possibly even into the
    BILLIONS!) of dollars. Of course, your success depends a lot upon your
    abilities, luck, shoe size, the phase of the moon, etc.

    Q: Is programming for YOU?

    A: Programming is NOT for everyone. However, if you have a desire to learn,
    we can help you get started. ALL you need is the Famous Programmers' Course
    and enough money to keep those lessons coming month after month.

    ----------------------------

    ******* Take Our FREE Aptitude Test! *******

    To help you determine if YOU are qualified to be a programmer, take a
    moment to try this simple test:

    1) Write down the numbers from zero to nine, and the first six letters of
    the alphabet. (Hint: 0123456789ABCDEF)
    2) Whose picture is on the back of a twenty-dollar bill?
    3) What is the state capital of Idaho?

    If you read ALL three of the above questions without wondering why we asked
    them, then you are imminently qualified for a future as a computer
    programmer.

    ----------------------------

    ******* A New Kind Of Programming! *******

    They say that a GOOD programmer can write TWENTY LINES of effective program
    code a day! With our unique training system, we'll show you how to write 20
    lines of code, and LOTS more! Our course covers EVERY PROGRAMMING LANGUAGE
    IN EXISTENCE, and even some that aren't! You'll learn why the ON/OFF switch
    for the computer is so important, what the words 'FATAL ERROR' mean, and
    even who should be blamed when YOU cause it!

    ----------------------------

    ******* Student Successes *******

    Many of our students have gone on to achieve great successes in ALL FIELDS
    of computer programming! One of our former students was the one who
    developed the concept of the personalized form letter.... Does the phrase,
    "Dear Mr. [insert name], YOU may already be a winner!" sound familiar? It
    should! It has already become a standard in the computing industry! Another
    student writes, "After only FIVE lessons, I sold an article I wrote, titled
    'My Most Unforgettable Program' to Corrosive Computing Magazine!"

    Another Graduate Student writes, "I recently completed a
    database-management program for my department manager, who was touched so
    deeply that he was SPEECHLESS! He told me later that he had never seen such
    a program in his entire career, and gave me a vacation! Thank you, Famous
    Programmers' School! Only YOU could've made all this possible!"

    ----------------------------

    *******DON'T DELAY!*******

    Send for our introductory brochure which explains in vague detail the
    operation of the Famous Programmers' School, and you'll be eligible to win
    a possible chance to enter a drawing, the winner of which can vie for a set
    of free steak knives! If you don't do it now, what will you say when your
    friend comes around and says "Gee, I just joined the Famous Programmer'
    School, and it's just GREAT!" ?

    Simply Fill out the form below and mail it to:

    FAMOUS PROGRAMMERS' SCHOOL
    Dept. APRFOL
    P.O. Box 4634
    Paulsborough, NH 03458-0463


    -----------------------------------------------------------------
    | YES, I want the brochure describing this incredible offer! I |
    | enclose $1000 in small, unmarked bills to cover the cost of |
    | postage and handling. (No live poultry, please.) |
    | |
    | Please send it to: |
    | Name: _____________________________________________________ |
    | Address: __________________________________________________ |
    | City: _____________________________ State:_________________ |
    | Zip: __________________ Phone: (_____)_____-_______ |
    -----------------------------------------------------------------

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    From Your EMail Address (John.Smith@cognos.com )Thu Mar 27 15:46:38 1997
    Subject: One woman's answer to "Girl Friend 1.0"

    Last year a friend of mine installed BoyFriend 6.0. While this program did
    not come with an uninstaller it seemed to have a time-out feature and would
    eventually totally disappear. If she wished to continue running BoyFriend
    6.0 she had to reinstall it. She upgraded to Husband 1.0 which retains all
    of the features of BoyFriend 6.0 and doesn't seem to uninstall itself as
    frequently. No other advantages to upgrading are apparent.

    She has been experimenting with the various add-on modules available for
    Husband 1.0 . Most recently she has installed MowLawn 1.2 and YardWork2.0
    which she downloaded from the Internet at a freeware site. As frequently
    happens with freeware the add-ons would start running but then required at
    least six additional plug-in modules loaded of Miller 1.1 through Miller
    1.6. Substitutions of the Miller 1.x series of plug-ins can be made
    interchangeably with Coors 1.x, Budweiser 2.x, or Sam Adams 1.x. No
    significant difference in run time has been noted. Extending the series of
    Miller 1.x much beyond 1.6, while possible, seemed to affect the accuracy
    of MowLawn 1.2 and YardWork2.0 and becomes counterproductive. Eventually
    they cause Husband 1.0 to crash requiring a system shut down. Once crashed
    even re-booting usually will not restart Husband 1.0 until the next day.

    The Husband 1.0 will not run at all on Sundays with out the liberal
    seasonable use of Football 3.0, Basketball 2.0, Baseball 1.5, or Hockey
    2.5. Once one of these are running Husband 1.0 keeps requesting additional
    installations of Coors 1.x, Budweiser 2.x, or Sam Adams 1.x plus assorted
    plug-ins of FOOD 3.x. This seems to occupy the Husband 1.0 exclusively and
    no additional features can be accessed or run.

    She occasionally runs Husband 1.0 with the Theater 4.0 module and, while it
    does run, Husband 1.0 will complain of run-time, lack of resources, and
    will run sluggishly. If it seems to stop (energy save mode) it can be
    restarted with a "warm boot". The "warm boot" can cause momentary confusion
    and cause Husband 1.0 to then request the score. Comment: None of these
    problems are apparent if she uses action plug-ins such as UnderSiege 2.0 or
    DieHard 3.0. She gets similar performance from running BoyFriend 6.0 with
    Shopping 3.5 unless she uses the plug-ins for Sears 2.4 and HomeDepot 1.7.

    Many times she reevaluates the need for Husband 1.0 or even BoyFriend 6.0.
    She considers the running difficulties, occasional unreliability,
    complaints of low system resources; and constant demands for
    care/attention. She wonders why she doesn't just let it stay uninstalled
    and maybe she would if it wasn't for the way BoyFriend 6.0 or Husband 1.0
    ran with Love 1.0.

    by Jeannette DiLorenzo
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Rules for Bedroom Golf

    1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. Normally one club
    and two (2) balls.

    2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the holes.

    3. Owner of the course must approve the equipment before play may begin.

    4. For most effective play, the club must have a firm shaft. Course owners
    are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play begins.

    5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the shaft length to avoid
    any damage to the course.

    6. Unlike outdoor golf, the goal is to get the club into the hole, while
    keeping the balls out.

    7. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as deemed necessary
    until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so
    may result in being denied permission to play the course in the future.

    8. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon
    arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to
    admire the entire course, with special attention being given to the
    well-formed bunkers.

    9. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they may have played
    or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset
    course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this
    reason.

    10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly
    scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first
    time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover
    someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

    11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times.
    Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily
    under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this
    situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when
    this is the case. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along,
    just in case.

    12. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before
    attempting to play the back nine.

    13. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed
    at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the request of the course
    owner.

    14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the
    same hole several times in one match.

    15. The course owner will be the sole judge as to who is the best player.

    16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a
    given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner, and
    the rules are subject to change. For this reason many players prefer to
    continue to play several different courses.

    From: Gomez R Maj ACC/DOTO (gomezjr@ns.langley.af.mil)
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Dynamic Deity Management Ltd.

    Date :- 3rd May 0023

    TO:
    Messrs Matthew, Mark, Luke & John (Publishers).
    13a Sandy Wasteland Square,
    Just Next to the Pizza Hut,
    Judea.

    Dear Sirs,

    It is Mr. Christ's understanding that you are planning to write and publish
    a biography of him in the near future. Such a biography would, he is sure
    you would realise, be entirely unauthorised and if it were published in the
    form you suggest he would be forced to take the matter up with the highest
    authority.

    However he can fully understand your wish to write about his life and will
    sanction such a project a number of conditions:

    1) That the title of the book be 'The Holy Bible' and not as you
    propose, 'Hot and Salty - Our Sexy Savior's Saucy Story'.

    2) That you do not mention the name of his natural Father (Elvin
    Roxenby-Toke) who, for legal reasons, contests paternity. He
    suggest you utilise the 'virgin birth' scenario. Mr. Christ
    realises that this is entirely ludicrous but suggests that no-
    one ever went bust underestimating the credibility off the
    average religious zealot.

    3) That all references to the incident involving the members of
    members of the Bethlehem Boys Club, olive oil and a wooden spoon
    to be exised forthwith.

    4) That the death scene to be 'pepped up' as it were. The actual
    circumstances that you mention are simply not dramatic enough. An
    accident with a wine jar and a stray fish just does not have the
    theatrical impact of say, a crucifixion with the full atmospheric
    effects of a large cast.

    5) That the book not to be dedicated, as it is at the moment, to
    'My dearest Wooly-Boo with all my love squiggles.'

    6) That a fictional character, possibly a twelfth disciple, be
    introduced to give him away to the authorities. The reality of
    the case, that he was shopped by his Mother and done for indecent
    exposure, should on no account be discussed.

    7) And the so called 'Parable of the Leather Undergarment' be
    removed or at least modified.

    As long as these guidelines are followed he can see no reason why you
    should not write and publish your proposed biography although he doesn't
    see it as a success himself. He informs me that he enjoyed your previous
    books, especially 'Murderburger Hell-High' and 'Slutslaughter - Slashin'
    the Winded'. Your suggested biography of him appears to be in the same vein
    and it is for this reason that he must reject your offer of a profit
    sharing scheme in return for his appearing to promote the book. In any case
    Mr. Christ is at the moment fully occupied with his promotion for 'Shake
    'n' Vac'.

    Yours sincerely.

    Adam G Smith.
    pp Jesus H Christ.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    THE TOP 15 BIBLICAL WAYS TO ACQUIRE A WIFE

    1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim
    her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - (Deuteronomy
    21:11-13)

    2. Find a prostitute and marry her. - (Hosea 1:1-3)

    3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.
    - Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)

    4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. -
    Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

    5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and
    carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

    6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost
    you. - Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)

    7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage.
    Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years
    for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right.
    Fourteen years of toil for a wife. - Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)

    8. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his
    daughter for a wife. - David (I Samuel 18:27)

    9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll
    definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) - Cain (Genesis
    4:16-17)

    10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. - Xerxes
    or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)

    11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have
    seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your
    decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." - Samson
    (Judges 14:1-3)

    12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though).
    - David (2 Samuel 11)

    13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good
    idea; it's the law.) - Onana and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in
    Ruth)

    14. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1
    Kings 11:1-3)

    15. A wife?...NOT! - Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

    (original author unknown)
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Billy's Letters

    The following appeared in a computer magazine in Mr. Dvorak's column:

    Dear Mr. Dvorak:

    Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get
    the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and
    explain. It's about my son, Billy. He's always been a good, normal ten year
    old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp
    for Billy. We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps
    with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire -- you know. There
    were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music, military
    camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying. I tried to talk him
    into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's where he went last year. (He made an adorable
    picture out of painted pinto beans and macaroni). Billy would have none of
    it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP!
    We should have put our foot down right there, if only we had known. He left
    three weeks ago. I don't know what's happened. He's changed. I can't
    explain it. See for yourself. These are some of my little Billy's letters.

    Dear Mom,
    The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only good
    part. We're learning how to program. Late at night is the best time to
    program, so they let us stay up.
    Love, Billy.

    Dear Mom,
    Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We all get
    to choose what we want to drink. I drink Classic Coke. By the way, can you
    make Szechuan food? I'm getting used to it now. Gotta go, it's time for the
    flowchart class.
    Love, Billy.

    P.S. This is written on a wordprocessor. Pretty swell, huh? It's
    spellchecked too.

    Dear Mom,
    Don't worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the glow of
    the green computer screens. It was real neat. I don't have much of a tan
    'cause we don't go outside very often. You can't see the computer screen in
    the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us weird food
    too. Lay off, Mom. I'm okay, really.
    Love, Billy.

    Dear Mom,
    I'm fine. I'm sleeping enough. I'm eating enough. This is the best camp
    ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real funny.
    He got mad and yelled. Frederick says it's okay. Can you send more money? I
    spent mine on a pocket protector and a box of blank diskettes. I've got to
    chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to people on a
    computer? Give my regards to Dad.
    Love, Billy.

    Dear Mother,
    Forget the money for the telephone. We've got a way to not pay. Sorry I
    haven't written. I've been learning a lot. I'm real good at getting onto
    any computer in the country. It's really easy! I got into the university's
    in less than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five, he's going to show
    me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. He's really smart. He says that I
    shouldn't call myself Billy anymore. So, I'm not.
    Signed, William.

    Dear Mother,
    How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why'd you get so upset? I
    haven't gained that much weight. The glasses aren't real. Everybody wears
    them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is cool. I
    thought that you'd be proud of my program. After all, I've made some money
    on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I've paid for
    the next six weeks of camp. I won't be home until late August.
    Regards, William.

    Mother,
    Stop treating me like a child. True -- physically I am only ten years old.
    It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again. Remember, I can
    make your life miserable (i.e. - the bank, credit bureau, and government
    computers). I am not kidding. O.K.? I won't write again and this is your
    only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal communication drain me.
    Sincerely, William.

    See what I mean? It's been two weeks since I've heard from my little boy.
    What can I do, Mr.Dvorak? I know that it's probably too late to save my
    little Billy. But, if by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD
    from a life of programming, please, I beg of you to do so. Thank you very
    much.

    Sally Gates, Concerned Parent
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    [email]

    BIO

    Newsgroups: bit.listserv.nuts
    Subject: real life story
    From: Seth Grant (VPZRYAB@GROVE.IUP.EDU)
    Date: 07 Feb 1993 21:09:00 -0500 (EST)

    I'm a bio major at IUP (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) and was taking
    a cell biology course my freshman year. Our task of the day was examining
    epitheleal cheek cells under a microscope. We had to scrape the inside of
    our mouth with a toothpick and make a slide from it and id the different
    types of cells that were found. One girl in the class (a rather well built
    sorority gal, which is why I sat next to her) was having some trouble
    identifing some cells. She called the prof. over to ask him. After a moment
    or two of peering in her scope, he looked up, and said in a loud voice,
    "Those are sperm cells."

    The girl turned bright red and ran out of the room. Needless to say, she
    dropped the class. (Although I spent two weeks looking for her, I never did
    see her again.) Such is life :)
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    These four gents go out to play golf one day. One is detained in the
    clubhouse and the remaining three are discussing their children while
    walking to the first tee

    "My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the homebuilding
    industry. He began as a carpenter,but now owns his own design and
    construction firm. He's so successful that in his last year he was able to
    give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

    The second man not to be outdone, told how his daughter began her career as
    a car salesperson,but now owns a multi-line dealership. "She's so
    successful, in fact, in the last six months she gave a friend two brand new
    cars as a gift."

    The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm
    and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio
    as a gift.

    As the fourth man arrives, they tell him that they have been discussing
    their children and ask him about his son.

    "To tell the truth,I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out," he
    replies. "For fifteen years, he's been in and out of work and I've just
    recently discovered he's a bisexual. But, on the bright side, he must be
    good at what he does because his last three lovers have given him a brand
    new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Top Ten Things To Do While Giving Blood

    by Tina Mancuso (tmancuso@drew.edu) and Paul Coen (pcoen@drew.edu)

    10) Watch the bag fill.
    9) Hyperventilate.
    8) Pull the tube out of the bag and drink from it.
    7) Race to see who fills their bag first (requires 2 or more people).
    6) Puncture the bag near the top and see whether they pull the needle out
    of your arm before the blood squirts out.
    5) While they're not looking, substitute a bag of orange liquid and
    complain they gave you too much Tang.
    4) Insist that you want to give 2 pints.
    3) Faint.
    2) Tell them you saw the bag twitch.
    1) Yell, "Hey, you used that needle on the last guy!"
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    X-News: forest bit.listserv.giggles:8849
    From: Doug Honea (Doug5859@AOL.COM)
    Subject:JOKE-CLEAN: A Boat Story
    Date: Sun, 17 Dec 1995 20:11:35 -0500

    There were two identical twin brothers by the name of Jones. John was
    married but Joe, the other brother, was single and the owner of a small
    dilapidated boat.

    It happened that the same day that John's wife died, Joe's boat sank. A
    kind old lady met Joe on the street and, mistaking him for his brother
    John, said, "Oh, Mr. Jones, I'm sorry to hear of your great loss. You must
    feel terrible." Joe said, "Well, I'm not a bit sorry. She was rotten from
    the start. Her bottom was all chewed up; she smelled of old fish even from
    the first time I got on her. She made water faster than anything I ever
    saw. She had a bad hole in the front, and a big crack in the back. The hole
    kept getting bigger every time I used her. It got so I could handle her all
    right, but when anyone else used her, she leaked all over the place.

    "What finished her, though, was four guys from the other side of town came
    over looking for a good time. They asked if they could use her and I rented
    her, but warned them that she wasn't too hot. But they insisted that they
    would like to give her a try. The result was that the crazy fools all tried
    to get into her at once. The strain was too much for her, she cracked right
    down the middle."

    The old lady fainted.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    A new aid to rapid--almost magical--learning has made its appearance.
    Indications are that if it catches on all the electronic gadgets will be so
    much junk.

    The new device is known as Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge. The makers
    generally call it by its initials, BOOK(tm).

    Many advantages are claimed over the old-style learning and teaching aids
    on which most people are brought up nowadays. It has no wires, no electric
    circuit to break down. No connection is needed to an electricity power
    point. It is made entirely without mechanical parts to go wrong or need
    replacement.

    Anyone can use BOOK(tm), even children, and it fits comfortably into the
    hands. It can be conveniently used sitting in an armchair by the fire.

    How does this revoluntionary, unbelievably easy invention work?

    Basically BOOK(tm) consists only of a large number of paper sheets. These
    may run to hundreds where BOOK(tm) covers a lengthy program of information.
    Each sheet bears a number in sequence, so that the sheets cannot be used in
    the wrong order.

    To make it even easier for the user to keep the sheets in the proper order
    they are held firmly in place by a special locking device called a
    "binding".

    Each sheet of paper presents the user with an information sequence in the
    form of symbols, which he absorbs optically for automatic registration on
    the brain. When one sheet has been assimilated a flick of the finger turns
    it over and further information is found on the other side. By using both
    sides of each sheet in this way a great economy is effected, thus reducing
    both the size and cost of BOOK(tm). No buttons need to be pressed to move
    from one sheet to another, to open or close BOOK(tm), or to start it
    working.

    BOOK(tm) may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it.
    Instantly it is ready for use. Nothing has to be connected up or switched
    on. The user may turn at will to any sheet, going backwards or forwards as
    he pleases. A sheet is provided near the beginnning as a location finder
    for any required information sequence.

    A small accessory, available at trifling extra cost, is the BOOK(tm)mark.
    This enables the user to pick up his program where he left off on the
    previous learning session. BOOK(tm)mark is versatile and may be used in any
    BOOK(tm).

    The initial cost varies with the size and subject matter. Already a vast
    range of BOOK(tm)s is available, covering every conceivable subject and
    adjusted to different levels of aptitude. One BOOK(tm), small enough to be
    held in the hands, may contain an entire learning schedule.

    Once purchased, BOOK(tm) requires no further upkeep cost; no batteries or
    wires are needed, since the motive power, thanks to an ingenious device
    patented by the makers, is supplied by the brain of the user.

    BOOK(tm)s may be stored on handy shelves and for ease of reference the
    program schedule is normally indicated on the back of the binding.

    Altogether the Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge seems to have great
    advantages with no drawbacks. We predict a big future for it.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    TO: RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT
    FR: ADMINISTRATOR

    BOOK(tm) does not, in spite of the claims, seem "to have great advantages
    with no drawbacks". Soon, it probably won't even be legal. Consider:

    It can be conveniently used sitting in an armchair by the fire. Being
    paper, it might burn in the fire. Probably fire laws in most locations
    wouldn't allow its use there. Worse, such a device, which encourages close
    proximity of the user to fire, will be outlawed by OSHA's request.

    "Each sheet bears a number in sequence, so that the sheets cannot be used
    in the wrong order." How quaint; to think that the programmer (author)
    would be allowed to turn over such an important task to the user! "cannot"
    is clearly misuse; any user could incorrectly turn to the wrong sheet. A
    proper user interface might correct that, of course, such as requiring that
    each sheet be torn off to expose the next. This is in clear conflict with
    "The user may turn at will to any sheet, going backwards or forwards as he
    pleases."

    "BOOK(tm)s may be stored on handy shelves and for ease of reference". The
    user interface obviously needs more work before such a system can be
    practical.

    Regarding the claim that "the motive power -- is supplied by the brain of
    the user." Clearly, the inventors have not examined recent trends. No
    serious person would suggest even expecting a "user" to have a brain
    present, much less to use it so continuously.

    I'd suggest you return to your consoles and do a thorough associative
    search of various data banks, like the rest of us, and forget this
    nonsense.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    ADDENDUM FROM THE VICE PRESIDENT

    A further problem exists with this so-called BOOK concept. Whoever would
    you get to write such a thing? The way it appears, each paper sheet would
    have to be filled from edge to edge with WORDS (Well-Ordered, Recognizable
    Dialogue Symbols). Can you imagine asking someone to put that many WORDS
    together? It would take, by reasonable calculations, 30,000 to 50,000 WORDS
    to create this BOOK thing. You will never, ever get anyone who would be so
    disciplined as to sit down and string together that many words. Can you
    imagine how long that would take? So, even if the BOOK idea ever were to be
    tried, what crazy lunatic would ever want to write one? It'll never work.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    From: Alessio Tiramani [Alessio@VALDENA.DEMON.CO.UK]

    FALLING OVER by Eileen Dover

    ICE CREAMS by Conan Wafer

    THE INSOMNIAC by Eliza Wake

    CONSTRUCTING A HOUSE by Bill Ding

    CENTRAL HEATING by Ray D. Aitor

    A QUICK MEAL by Tina Beans

    I THINK I'VE BEEN BITTEN by A. Flea

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    From: gramps@iop.com

    I'm surprised you haven't listed the 1930s 6th grade humor book:
    THE TIGER'S REVENGE by Claude Balls

    Lee D. Quinn "the wordgeezer" hiding at words@iop.com
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    From: Sharon Whiteman

    Yellow River by I.P. Freely

    Antlers in the Trees by Whogoosed D. Moose
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments


    From: Song Weaver (julie@DRYCAS.CLUB.CC.CMU.EDU)
    Subject: FW: Borg Barbie

    The Mattel Toy company, in conjunction with Paramount Studios,
    announces the newest release in the "Barbie" line, "Borg Barbie."
    Created as an offshoot of the Classic Trek Barbie and Ken line, Borg
    Barbie features the fun of Barbie and the excitement of the fabulously
    successful Star Trek (tm) films and television programs.

    Borg Barbie comes with a complete Borg suit and SHE TALKS!!! Watch
    your children marvel as Borg Barbie says phrases like, "Assimilation
    is Hard," "Let's accessorize our implants," "Your shopping mall WILL
    service the Borg," and "Let's absorb some cultures!"

    Recognizing a long-time deficiency in the Ken product, Mattel is
    releasing its new, "Assimilated Ken," with a complete line of
    attachments and accessories. Assimilated Ken comes "fully functional
    and versed in multiple techniques," to give your kids hours of
    enjoyment.

    The Borg Barbie line includes the new Shuttlecraft that converts into
    a Borg Cube. The Borg Cube configuration features slots to insert
    Barbie, Ken, and the new "Modified Midge" and "Cyber Skipper" dolls.
    Join all four to create an invincible Barbie Collective that says, "We
    are Barbie of Borg. Resistance is Futile. You WILL buy accessories for
    US."
    _________________________________________________________________

    Back to TV and Movies

    Back to Tina's Humor Archives main page

    Comments

    Who's the Boss?

    When the Lord made man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be
    boss.

    The brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body, he
    should be boss. The legs argued that since they took man wherever he wanted
    to go, they should be boss. The stomach countered with the explanation that
    since he digested all the food, he should be boss. The eyes said that
    without them man would be helpless, so they should be boss. Then the
    asshole applied for the job. The other parts of the body laughed so hard at
    this that the asshole became mad and closed up.

    After a few days...

    The brain went foggy, the legs got wobbly, the stomach got ill, and the
    eyes got crossed and unable to see. They all conceded and made the asshole
    boss.

    This proved that you don't have to be a brain to be boss...

    Just an Asshole.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    ~From: ecltyo@iac.co.jp (Grant Muir)

    kazandar@ix.net.com wrote:

    >An interesting note: male scientists at one time argued that men had the
    >potential to be more intelligent than women because on average their
    brains
    >were about 10% larger. Last month, a study was published that (without
    >getting into the boring details) conclusively proved that women had just
    as
    >many neurons, and just as many neural connections, as men did. How is that

    >possible given that their brains are smaller? Turns out that a woman's
    brain
    >is actually constructed in a more efficient manner, meaning that less
    >'structural' material is required. So the 'lost 10%' is actually the waste

    >space saved by the more efficient model.

    >The more efficient model...as in, men have Brain 1.0 and women have Brain
    1.1
    >- the new and improved version. Leads to some rather interesting lines of
    >thought, doesn't it? ;-)

    You mean there's no upgrade path.? What a con. I want a refund. Ah, but
    wait a minute, this is hardware, or at least squishyware[tm], no upgrades.

    So, are women's brains RISC brains? It certainly explains all the
    compatibility problems between v1.0 & 1.1 (10^8 pts. !!)

    I hear that v1.1 can't handle baseball stats very well, much in the same
    way that v1.0 doesn't recognize 'Totally lost. Refer to Map error -
    L112b4'. Maybe some smart Genetic Engineer can come up with a patch to sort
    out the compatibility issues. But let's face it, both versions are still as
    buggy as hell.

    I'm in a silly mood tonight, and I know who's to blame.

    Grant - Member of Scottish.And.Damned.Proud.Of.That.Cabal,(SADPOT.C)
    members wanted (Crazed, psychotic, kilt wearing, claymore wielding, haggis
    hunting, caber tossing, highland flinging, eightsome reeling, whiskey
    drinking, non-underwear wearing[underwear is for big jessies only], nessie
    seaching, redhead loving, please can we have a Scottish actor playing a
    Scotsman in a movie for once, just *once*, asking, Simple Minds dancing,
    types.)
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    NEW
    THE ^ BILL OF RIGHTS

    Nearly everything has changed in the United States since the Bill of Rights
    was written and adopted. We still see the original words when we read those
    first 10 Amendments to the Constitution, yet the meaning is vastly
    different now.

    And no wonder. We've gone from a country of a few million to a few hundred
    million. The nation's desire to band together was replaced by revulsion of
    togetherness. We exchanged a birthright of justice for a magic bullet, and
    replaced the Pioneer Spirit with the Pioneer Stereo.

    We're not the people who founded this country and our Bill of Rights should
    reflect this. As we approach the 21st Century, it's time to bring the
    wording up to date showing what we are and who we are.

    AMENDMENT I

    Congress shall make no law establishing religion, but shall act as if it
    did; and shall make no laws abridging the freedom of speech, unless such
    speech can be construed as "commercial speech" or "irresponsible speech" or
    "offensive speech;" or shall abridge the right of the people to peaceably
    assemble where and when permitted; or shall abridge the right to petition
    the government for a redress of grievances, under proper procedures.

    It shall be unlawful to cry "Fire!" in a theatre occupied by three or more
    persons, unless such persons shall belong to a class declared Protected by
    one or more divisions of Federal, State or Local government, in which case
    the number of persons shall be one or more.

    AMENDMENT II

    A well-regulated military force shall be maintained under control of the
    President, and no political entity within the United States shall maintain
    a military force beyond Presidential control. The right of the people to
    keep and bear arms shall be determined by the Congress and the States and
    the Cities and the Counties and the Towns (and someone named Fred.)

    AMENDMENT III

    No soldier shall, in time of peace, be quartered in any house without the
    consent of the owner, unless such house is believed to have been used, or
    believed may be used, for some purpose contrary to law or public policy.

    AMENDMENT IV

    The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and
    effects against unreasonable searches and seizures may not be suspended
    except to protect public welfare. Any place or conveyance shall be subject
    to search by law enforcement forces of any political entity, and any such
    places or conveyances, or any property within them, may be confiscated
    without judicial proceeding if believed to be used in a manner contrary to
    law.

    AMENDMENT V

    Any person may be held to answer for a crime of any kind upon any suspicion
    whatever; and may be put in jeopardy of life or liberty by the state
    courts, by the federal judiciary, and while incarcerated; and may be
    compelled to be a witness against himself by the forced submission of his
    body or any portion thereof, and by testimony in proceedings excluding
    actual trial. Private property forfeited under judicial process shall
    become the exclusive property of the judicial authority and shall be immune
    from seizure by injured parties.

    AMENDMENT VI

    In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to avoid
    prosecution by exhausting the legal process and its practitioners. Failure
    to succeed shall result in speedy plea-bargaining resulting in lesser
    charges. Convicted persons shall be entitled to appeal until sentence is
    completed. It shall be unlawful to bar or deter an incompetent person from
    service on a jury.

    AMENDMENT VII

    In civil suits, where a contesting party is a person whose private life may
    interest the public, the right of trial in the Press shall not be abridged.

    AMENDMENT VIII

    Sufficient bail may be required to ensure that dangerous persons remain in
    custody pending trial. There shall be no right of the public to be afforded
    protection from dangerous persons, and such protection shall be dependent
    upon incarceration facilities available.

    AMENDMENT IX

    The enumeration in The Constitution of certain rights shall be construed to
    deny or discourage others which may from time to time be extended by the
    branches of Federal, State or Local government, unless such rights shall
    themselves become enacted by Amendment.

    AMENDMENT X

    The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution shall be
    deemed to be powers residing in persons holding appointment therein through
    the Civil Service, and may be delegated to the States and local Governments
    as determined by the public interest. The public interest shall be
    determined by the Civil Service.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    From: Habkirk_John (Habkirkj@FRPOST1.FRMOUGINS.ALLERGAN.SPRINT.COM)
    Date: Tue, 20 Feb 1996 17:45:57 -0500

    MOM'S BROWNIES

    Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.
    Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
    Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr "no, no."
    Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.
    Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.
    Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
    Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat.
    Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing
    shortening from cat's tail.
    Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.
    Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for
    ventilation.
    Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a
    mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from
    bill.
    Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.
    Let cat out of refrigerator.
    Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.
    Bake 25 minutes.
    Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you have no
    idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's still
    time and he's still able to run away.

    FROSTING

    Mix the following in saucepan:

    * 1 cup sugar
    * 1 oz unsweetened chocolate
    * 1/4 cup margarine

    Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away -- far
    away.
    Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know
    Jr had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. Put Jr in
    playpen.
    Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2
    minutes.
    Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose
    in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.
    Tie Billy to clothesline.
    Remove burned brownies from oven.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Actual Church Bulletins1) This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south
    and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
    2) Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an Ice Cream Social. All ladies giving
    milk please come early.
    3) Wednesday, the Ladies Literary Society will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put
    Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the Pastor.
    4) This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay an
    egg on the Altar.
    5) The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will
    start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
    6) On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new
    carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet, please come forward and
    get a piece of paper.
    7) The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be
    seen in the church basement on Friday.
    8) Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on Oct. 24 in the church. So
    ends a friendship that began in school days.
    9) This week's saints include a French woman (Teresa, the Little Flower), a
    Swedish woman (Bridget), an Italian man (Francis of Assisi), a German man
    (Bruno), a Jewess from the Holy Land (Mary, God's Mother). They include single
    people and married people. Bridget was a wife and mother. Mary was a virgin and
    virgin mother. If they could do it, so can we.
    10) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
    downstairs.
    11) The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
    12) The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will
    sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
    13) The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning.
    14) Thursday at 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All
    wishing to become little mothers will please meet with the minister in the
    study.
    15) During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a
    good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
    16) Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor
    will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
    17) Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be
    discontinued until further notice.
    18) Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
    19) Today - Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 1 p.m.-8 p.m.
    Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.
    20) The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in
    celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
    21) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
    22) The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church
    basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

    23) The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are
    due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano,
    which as usual fell upon her.
    24) 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs.
    Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet,
    The Lord Knows Why.
    25) Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say, "hell" to someone who doesn't
    care much about you.
    26) A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
    27) Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
    28) Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?"
    Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett
    Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"

    29) On a church bulletin during the minister's illness:
    GOD IS GOOD
    Dr. Hargreaves is better.

    30) Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
    31) Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
    From "Anguished English," by Richard Lederer.


    I'm told that these are all REAL church billboards, but a couple sound more like
    announcements, so now doubt is cast on their authenticity. But it's worth a
    laugh anyway...
    The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David A.
    Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs Julius Belzer.
    A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will
    follow.
    At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come
    early and listen to our choir practice.
    The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Green
    who has Mrs Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the
    sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.


    These sentences actually appeared in a church bulletin or were announced in a
    church service:
    Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference:
    "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
    Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation
    hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
    Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things
    not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
    The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

    The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water"
    The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus"
    Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions.
    She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor John's sermons.

    Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new
    members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
    The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to
    join the choir.
    Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
    The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and
    gracious hostility.
    This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the
    Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
    The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him
    their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
    Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back
    door.
    Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use
    large double door at the side entrance.
    The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last
    Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."





    Comments

    [Editor's Note: I've also seen this with IBM as the company. I'm not sure
    who wrote it; one source said Richard Sexton, and another said Stephen
    Harrison and Noel Magee. If anyone knows, send me mail.]

    Lunch, the HP Way

    This is the story of a different kind. No melting CPU's, no screaming disc
    drives, just the kind of psychological torture that scars a man for life.

    I had a 9:00 meeting with my sales rep. I needed to buy an entire new
    series 70, the works. He said it'd take about an hour. Three hours later,
    we'd barely got the datacomm hardware down on paper, so he invited me
    downstairs for lunch.

    This was my first experience in an HP cafeteria. Above the service counter
    was a menu which began...

    MMU's (Main Menu Units)

    0001A Burger. Includes sesame-seed bun.
    Must order comdiments 00110A separately

    001 Deletes seeds. 002 Expands burger to two patties.

    00020A Double cheeseburger, preconfigured. Includes cheese,
    bun and condiments.

    001 Add-on bacon. 002 Delete second patty. 003 Replaces second
    patty with extra cheese.

    00021A Burger Upgrade to Double Cheeseburger

    001 From Single Burger. 002 From Double Burger. 003 Return
    credit for bun.

    00220A Burger Bundle. Includes 00010A, 00210A and 00310A

    001 Substitute root beer 00311A for cola 00310A.

    My eyes glazed over. I asked for a burger and a root beer. The waitress
    looked at me like I was an alien.

    "How would you like to order that, sir?"

    "Quickly, if possible. Can't I just order a sandwich and a drink?"

    "No sir. All our service is menu driven. Now what would you like?"

    I scanned the menu. "How big is the 00010 burger?"

    "The patty is rated at eight bites."

    "Well, how about the rest of it?"

    "I dont have the specs on that, sir, but I think it's a bit more."

    "Eight bites is too small. Give me the Double Burger Upgrade."

    My sales rep interrupted. "No, you want the Single Burger option 002
    'expands burger to two patties'. The double burger upgrade would give you
    two burgers."

    "But you could get return credit on the extra bun," the waitress chimed in,
    trying to be helpful, "although it isn't documented."

    I looked around to see if anybody was staring at me. There was a couple in
    line behind us. I recognized one of them, a guy who nearly mowed me down in
    the parking lot with his cherry-red '62 Vette. He was talking to some woman
    who was waving her arms around and looking very excited.

    "What if... we marketed the bacon cheeseburger with the vegetable option
    and without the burger and cheese? It'd be a BLT!"

    The woman charged off in the direction of the telephone, running
    steeplechases over tables and chairs. My waitress tried to get my attention
    again. "Have you decided, sir?"

    "Yeah, give me the double burger- excuse me, I mean the 00020A with the
    option 001. I want everything on it." She put me down for the Condiment
    Expansion Kit, which included mayonnaise, mustard and pickles with a option
    to substitute relish.

    "Ketchup." I hated to ask. "I want ketchup on that, too."

    "That's not a condiment, sir, it's a Tomato Product." My sales rep butted
    in again. "That's not a supported configuration."

    "What now?" I kept my voice steady.

    "Too juicy. The bun can't handle it."

    "Look. Forget the ketchup, just put some lettuce and tomatoes on it."

    The waitress backed away from the counter. "I'm sorry, sir, but that's not
    supported either, the bun can take it but the burger won't fit in the box.
    The sales rep defended himself. "Just not at first release." "It is being
    beta-tested, sir."

    I checked the overhead screen. Fries, number 000210A, option 110. French
    followed by option 120, English. "What the hell are English Fries?" I
    turned to the sales rep. "Chips they call them. We sell a lot of them."

    I gave up. "OK, OK just give me a plain vanilla Burger Bundle." The
    confused the waitress profoundly. "Sir, Vanilla as an option is configured
    only for series 00450 Milkshakes." My sales rep chuckles. "No ma'am, he
    just wants a standard 00220A off the shelf. I wondered how long it had been
    on the shelf. I didn't ask.

    "Very good, sir." The waitress breathed a sigh off relief. "Your meal is
    now on order. Now how would you like it supported?"

    "Support?" She directed me to the green shaded area at the bottom of the
    menu, and I began a litany with my Sales Rep that I'll never forget.

    "Implementation assistance?"

    "You get a waiter."

    "Implementation analysis?"

    "You tell him how hungry you are and he tells you what to eat."

    "Response Center Support?"

    "He brings it to your table."

    "Extended materials?"

    "You get refills."

    I stuffed some money at the waitress and told her to take it. She gave me
    my check on three sheets of green-bar paper. I studied it on my way to the
    table, and decided it'd pass as an emergency napkin.

    Table? My Sales Rep had been bright enough to order us a table. He hadn't
    been bright enough to check on a delivery date. The table waiter slouching
    in his corner surveyed the crowded room, looked at me and said, "Two weeks.
    But I can get you a standalone chair by the window right away."

    I handed him the tray. A woman rushed up to me with two small cups of chile
    and sauerkraut for the hot dog somebody else had ordered. The room began to
    grow dim, my eyesight faded...

    I woke up clutching the water-glass at my bedside table. It was five AM,
    four hours till my meeting with HP. I had had a vision, I did what it told
    me to do. I dialed my office, and I called in sick.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    HOW TO TELL A BUSINESSMAN FROM A BUSINESSWOMAN

    A businessman is aggressive; a businesswoman is pushy.

    A businessman is good on details; she is picky.

    He loses his temper because he's so involved in his job; she is bitchy.

    When he is depressed (or hung-over), everyone tiptoes past his office; she
    is moody, so it must be her time of the month.

    He follows through; she doesn't know when to quit.

    He's confident; she's conceited.

    He stands firm; she's impossible to deal with.

    He is firm; she is hard.

    His judgments are her prejudices.

    He drinks because of the excessive job pressure; she's a lush.

    He isn't afraid to say what he thinks; she's mouthy.

    He's close-mouthed; she's secretive.

    He climbed the ladder to success; she slept her way to the top.

    He is a stern taskmaster; she's hard to work for.

    He is witty; she is sarcastic.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    ROAD TESTED! ways to amuse yourself during a business trip

    On the plane:

    1. Carry a toilet aboard the plane. Tell the flight crew that you have to
    carry it aboard with you. Offer to sit on it during the flight.

    2. Select a flight attendant. Every time she walks by, make a face as
    though something smells really bad.

    3. Ring your call button. When the flight attendant responds, speak in
    gibberish. Become more agitated and animated as she becomes more frustrated
    in her attempts to understand you.

    4. When the captain announces "if there's anything we can do to make your
    flight more comfortable...." ring and ask that the row of seats in front of
    you be removed.

    5. After the safety presentation, when they tell you that your flight
    attendant will be coming by to answer any questions you might have, take
    them up on the offer. Ask questions that no one can answer, like what you
    say to God when He sneezes. Even better, act as though you have a short
    attention span and ask them to repeat parts of it.

    6. Ask if you can put on your oxygen mask now, just in case.

    7. Take the airline magazine and provide your own captions for the pictures
    and add your own footnotes to the articles. Be as creative and vulgar as
    possible. At the end of the flight, leave the magazine on board for the
    next person.

    8. If you're seated in the exit row on a crowded airplane, as you're
    taxiing out to the runway, ring your call button and tell the flight
    attendant that you have an indiscernable condition that would prevent you
    from performing the activities listed on the safety card, and would like to
    be reseated. (WARNING: Don't do this on New York-bound flights).

    9. If you are sitting next to a particularly chatty person, the following
    are good ways to shut them up:

    * pull out a pornographic magazine and make graphic comments about the
    models.
    * as soon as it is practical, take out a notebook and pen and begin to
    write obscenities and satanic slogans and draw pentagrams and other
    satanic objects. This is especially effective if you use a very smelly
    magic marker.
    * fall asleep with your head on their shoulder.
    * assume the lotus position and begin to chant.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    At the hotel:

    1. Take the pens out of the room and replace them with pens from another
    hotel chain.

    2. If you are placed in a room where there are two beds, and one of the
    beds has been turned down, stack all of your luggage and dirty clothes on
    that bed and sleep in the other. If there's only one bed, make it look as
    if you've slept on the foldaway bed, sofa, chair or on the floor.

    3. Leave your "do not disturb" sign on the room all the time, even when
    you've gone out for the day.

    4. Write notes to the maid in soap on the mirror in the bathroom.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    At the restaurant:

    1. If the hostess asks you "smoking or non-smoking?" tell her you don't
    care. If she insists, ask for one of each.

    2. Bring your own food.

    3. At some point during the meal, ask your server for another knife. Tell
    them "this one's so dull, you couldn't cut a fart with it."

    4. Move the things on the table around as if they were chess pieces. If the
    server tries to take something off the table, slap their hand and tell them
    "THAT'S IN PLAY!"

    5. If the restaurant in your hotel is particularly fancy, come down to
    dinner in your jeans and t-shirt. If they tell you that the restaurant
    requires a coat and tie, go back to your room and return wearing a jacket,
    tie and boxer shorts.

    *** I'm looking for more of these....mail them to me at johlt@aol.com ***
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    [email]

    C

    From: tmancuso@drew.edu (tina)
    Newsgroups: du.cla.csci
    Subject: CS26 nightmare, or, C is evil
    Date: 6 Mar 91 16:12:36 EST

    Once upon a time there were 3 pointers. The Papa pointer pointed to a big
    array. The Mama pointer pointed to a double precision floating-point. And
    the Baby pointer pointed to a little integer. One day they all entered a
    function, and a little lost pointer named Goldilocks entered their house
    (affectionately known as main()). Goldilocks was hungry so she called
    strcpy() to copy Papa's array into herself. Her calls to malloc() slowed
    the main program to a near standstill, but Goldie didn't care. She then
    went for Mama's double precision floating-point. But before she could get
    Baby's integer, the three pointers came back, and they were so angry at
    Goldie's thievery that they caused a run-time error and the whole house
    caved in.

    The above actually happened. I'm not kidding. Really.

    In other words: OH MY GOD MY PROGRAM CRASHED AGAIN, IT WAS DUE THIS MORNING
    AND IT DOESN'T WORK! I HATE C. I NEVER WANT TO SEE ANOTHER POINTER AS LONG
    AS I LIVE. DOWN WITH KERNIGHAN AND RITCHIE!

    --Tina "no, I'm not stressed...really" M.

    P.S. After I wrote this I got the %&^%*$ program to work. I think it wanted
    to spite me.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Found this one on talk.bizarre:

    * * * *
    ~From: spt@waikato.ac.nz (Simon Travaglia, Analyst/Programmer)
    ~Subject: MAN BAKES CAKE WITH RECIPE FOUND ON INTERNET!!!
    ~Date: 8 Aug 95 14:25:32 +1200

    (c)1995 SimonT

    MAN BAKES CAKE WITH RECIPE FOUND ON INTERNET!

    Hamilton, New Zealand, 8-Aug-1995

    A Hamilton (New Zealand) Analyst Programmer, Simon Travaglia, was caught
    last week baking a cake from a recipe he found 'On the Internet..'. Police
    were called in when neighbours became suspicious about 'bakery smells'
    wafting into their homes from Travaglia's residence. Police noted that
    Travaglia had in his posession sophisticated cake-baking apparatus
    including an oven and several professionally crafted spatulas, which, if
    used properly, could have produced 10 or more cakes in a single day.

    Police also found a stockpile of cakes, including several banana cakes, two
    chocolate cakes, and a self-saucing pudding. At the time of his arrest, Mr
    Travaglia was apparently in the process of making several scones which were
    appeared destined to be stored in 'scone-caches' around the city. The
    Police also found was a larder full of ingredients with an estimated street
    value of several dollars.

    Experts who examined one cake surmised that it had an estimated yield of "8
    slices, possibly 10 if you cut it up thinner".

    A well-known member of parliament has renewed his calls for censorship of
    "Usenet News" groups which distribute such material. He says: "We are faced
    with a situation whereby school-age-children, without the knowledge of
    their parents, can download recipes by the dozen, and store them in
    encrypted form on the computer. Parents cannot be expected to Police this
    information, and it is time legislation was put into place to prevent the
    distribution of these recipes and punish those responsible for attempting
    it."

    When it was pointed out that several similar recipes were available at many
    public libraries, the Minister indicated that libraries were in a position
    to control access to these books both by placing them in prominent places
    under the watchful eyes of library staff and also on the top shelves of
    book stacks. He similarly refuted claims that cakes such as the ones found
    could be made by any third year cookery student.

    "These cakes" he said "were not made by trial and error. I have been
    assured by experts that the icing on the top of the chocolate cake in
    particular was applied by a practised hand. If this information is out
    there, it will be found and used, and it's obvious that the Internet has NO
    conscience when it comes to the distribution of sweet foods. We must act,
    and we must act now!"

    Meantime the Police have confirmed that despite all attempts to the
    contrary, three of the seized cakes had 'gone off'. On this occasion,
    no-one was seriously injured, although one officer was taken to sick bay
    with 'a sore tummy'.

    Simon Travaglia, Univ of Waikato, Private Bag 3105, Hamilton, New Zealand
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    The story goes that one day during an examination at Cambridge University,
    a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him cakes
    and ale. The following dialog ensued:

    Proctor: I beg your pardon?
    Student: Sir, I request that you bring me cakes and ale.
    Proctor: Sorry, no.
    Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me
    Cakes and Ale.

    At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old
    Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and
    pointed to the section which read (rough translation from the Latin):

    "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale".

    Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat
    there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.

    Three weeks later though, the student was fined five pounds for not wearing
    a sword to the examination.
    --
    Mike Andrews
    udsd007@dsibm.okladot.state.ok.us
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    ~From: bruceg@access5.digex.net (Bruce Garrett)
    ~Newsgroups: alt.politics.homosexuality
    ~Subject: Re: HOMOSEXUALITY IS (not) IMMORAL

    Subotai Jebe Barca <102337.112@CompuServe.COM>

    SB> An asshole is full of germs. A pussy is not.

    SB> "You can get more done with a kind word and a gun
    SB> than you can with a kind word alone".
    SB> - Alphonse Capone

    You know it's going to be a delightful week when, first thing on Monday,
    you read an article from a dime store crackpot about how vaginal sex is
    remarkably germ free, complete with a quote appended to it from a man who
    died of a chronic syphilis infection.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Twisted Greeting Cards

    by Alan Meiss, ameiss@indiana.edu
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    I must express my gratitude
    for such a lovely gift.
    Your thoughtfulness and taste is matched
    only by your thrift.
    It's clear that you spared all expense,
    if you catch my drift.
    Remove the anti-theft device
    when you again shoplift.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    We're sorry you now mourn the loss
    of your beloved cat.
    For if we had only braked in time,
    it wouldn't be so flat.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    It's Christmas time, and once again,
    the family's gathered 'round.
    Uncles, aunts, and cousins come
    to raise a joyful sound.
    All that is, except for you,
    whom we can only send this mail.
    But we'll save your gifts for fifty years
    till you get out of jail.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    The frost is on the meadow,
    the dew upon the grass.
    Here's your stinking birthday card,
    now shove it up your *ahem*.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    I've tender thoughts and memories
    of the special time we shared.
    I'd never been so close to you,
    for it was more than souls we bared.
    But I've since come to have regrets
    and wonder if we erred,
    For now the sores have failed to heal,
    and I'm getting really scared.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    This Christmas time I give to you
    a book that isn't mine.
    So give it back before it's due
    or I'll have to pay a fine.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Golden fields of daffodils,
    sparkling mountain streams,
    Crisp clean air and cotton clouds,
    vistas from our dreams.
    But all throughout our lovely trip,
    to thoughts of you we've clung,
    Because you'll never see these things
    in your iron lung.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    I think upon a special time,
    one that I shall miss.
    A moonlit walk upon the shore,
    a hug and then a kiss.
    And though I'd like to write some more,
    I really have to piss.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    X-News: forest bit.listserv.giggles:15636
    From: Oz (marko@EPIC.CO.UK)
    Subject:JOKE-CLEAN: Carpe ?
    Date: Thu, 25 Jul 1996 08:52:55 +0100

    carpe diem........ sieze the day
    carpe deum........ god is a fish
    carpe carpe....... sieze the fish
    crape diem........ bad day
    carpe diem........ complain daily
    carpe per diem.... sieze the check
    carpe canem....... sieze the dog
    carpe devo........ sieze the record
    carnivore carpe.... RUN!!
    carpe calypso.... .sieze the DAY-O
    or sieze the dance
    or sieze the boat
    carpe Teva........sieze the sandal
    carpe noctum...... sieze the night
    carpe horribilis.. sieze the ugly bear
    carpe badjokius... sieze the teller of these jokes

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    What if people bought cars like they buy computers?

    General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to
    drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers --but imagine
    if they did...

    HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

    CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"

    HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?"

    CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"

    HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and
    turns over the engine."

    CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of
    these technical terms just to use my car?"
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

    CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"

    HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"

    CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know?"

    HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and
    markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?"

    CUSTOMER: "I see an 'E' but no 'F'."

    HELPLINE: "You see the 'E' and just to the right is the 'F'.

    CUSTOMER: "No, just to the right of the first 'E' is a 'V'.

    HELPLINE: "A 'V'?!?"

    CUSTOMER: "Yeah, there's a 'C', an 'H', the first 'E', then a 'V', followed
    by 'R', 'O', 'L' ..."

    HELPLINE: "No, no, no sir! That's the front of the car. When you sit behind
    the steering wheel, that's the panel I'm talking about."

    CUSTOMER: "That steering wheel thingy-- Is that the round thing that honks
    the horn?"

    HELPLINE: "Yes, among other things."

    CUSTOMER: "The needle's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"

    HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase
    some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to
    install it for you."

    CUSTOMER: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have
    to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything
    built in!"
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

    CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!"

    HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"

    CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"

    HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"

    CUSTOMER: "I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the
    way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it
    won't even start up!"

    HELPLINE: "I'm sorry, sir, but it's your responsibility if you misuse the
    product."

    CUSTOMER: "Misuse it? I was just following this damned manual of yours. It
    said to make the car go to put the transmission in 'D' and press the
    accelerator pedal. That's exactly what I did -- now the damn thing's
    crashed."

    HELPLINE: "Did you read the entire operator's manual before operating the
    car sir?"

    CUSTOMER: "What? Of course I did! I told you I did EVERYTHING the manual
    said and it didn't work!"

    HELPLINE: "Didn't you attempt to slow down so you wouldn't crash?"

    CUSTOMER: "How do you do THAT?"

    HELPLINE: "You said you read the entire manual, sir. It's on page 14. The
    pedal next to the accelerator."

    CUSTOMER: "Well, I don't have all day to sit around and read this manual
    you know."

    HELPLINE: "Of course not. What do you expect us to do about it?"

    CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that goes fast
    and won't crash anymore!"
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

    CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it
    has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes,
    and power door locks."

    HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"

    CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"

    HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"

    CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"

    HELPLINE: "Do you know how to DRIVE?"

    CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion

    [Quoted without permission from Jun '80 Esquire]

    I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its
    situation.

    Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He
    loiters in mid-air, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to
    look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per
    second per second takes over.

    II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
    intervenes suddenly.

    Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon
    characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a
    telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion
    absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of
    motion the stooge's surcease.

    III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
    conforming to its perimeter.

    Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the
    speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of
    reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit
    directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-
    perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes
    this reaction.

    IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than
    or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to
    spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.

    Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it
    inevitably unsuccessful.

    V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear.

    Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to
    propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky
    noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion
    upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the
    crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or
    the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground,
    especially when in flight.

    VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.

    This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a
    character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of
    altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is
    common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled.
    A "wacky" character has the option of self- replication only at
    manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the
    velocity required.

    VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel
    entrances; others cannot.

    This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at
    least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's
    surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into
    this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall
    when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately
    a problem of art, not of science.

    VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.

    Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine
    lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced,
    splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they
    cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity,
    they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.

    IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.

    This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies
    to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the
    relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.

    X. Everything falls faster than an anvil.

    Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    CASTAWAY

    He grabbed me round my slender neck,
    I could not shout or scream,
    He carried me into his room
    Where we could not be seen;
    He tore away my flimsy wrap
    And gazed upon my form -
    I was so cold and still and damp,
    While he was wet and warm.
    His feverish mouth he pressed to mine; I let him have his way -
    He drained me of my very self,
    I could not say him nay.
    He made me what I am. Alas!
    That's why you find me here...
    A broken vessel - broken glass -
    That once held Bottled Beer.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    On the twelfth day of Christmas my human gave to me:

    Twelve bags of catnip!
    eleven tarter Pounce treats,
    ten ornaments hanging,
    nine wads of Kleenex,
    eight peacock feathers,
    seven stolen Q-tips,
    six feathered balls,
    five MILK JUG RINGS!
    four munchy house plants,
    three running faucets,
    two fuzzy mousies,
    and a hamste-e-er in a plastic ball!!
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    ADDENDUM to the Spring 1991 University Catalog

    * Chemistry 267 lab has been canceled. Memorial services for Dr. Weiss
    will be held February 4th.

    * The Campus Crusade for Cthulu will NOT be offering the introductory
    demon summoning class this semester due to lack of funds and available
    virgins.

    * Sex Ed 240 lab is full for the next 5 years, no further requests will
    be granted. (Although private tutoring will be offered. For
    information call 1-900-HOT-BODY. $35 the first minute, $20 each
    additional minute)

    * The graduate course in Home Economics will be combined with the
    Anthropology Department's "Humor in American Society" forum series.

    * The following courses were not included in the catalog:

    o PSY 234 - Experimental Child Development. Advanced applications
    of baby-in-a-bottle. PSY 234 lab is a corequisite.

    o CSS 362 - Independant study in Artificial Ignorance.

    o MAT 400 - Indiscrete mathematics. How to do Fourier transforms in
    the nude. Simpson's rule for exhibitionist's.

    o GS 835 - Post-Doctoral General Studies. How to register.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Who says Germans have no sense of humour? The following is from the Big
    Issue:

    "One of the primary reasons cat flaps are called cat flaps is that they're
    flaps specifically designed for cats, as opposed to dogs, or giraffes, or
    humans. All of this became abundantly clear to teenager Jason Evans, of
    Eastleigh, Hampshire, when he recently spent six hours stuck in one after
    using it in an attempt to get into his house. He was eventually cut free by
    firemen. In Germany, meanwhile, Gunther Burpus remained wedged in his
    front-door cat flap for two days because passers-by thought he was a piece
    of installation art. Mr Burpus, 41, of Bremen, was using the flap because
    he had mislaid his keys. Unfortunately he was spotted by a group of student
    pranksters who removed his trousers and pants, painted his bottom bright
    blue, stuck a daffodil between his buttocks and erected a sign saying
    'Germany Resurgent, an Essay in Street Art. Please give Generously'.
    Passers-by assumed Mr Burpus' screams were part of the act and it was only
    when an old woman complained to the police that he was finally freed. "I
    kept calling for help," he said, "but people just said 'Very good!
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    THE CAT & DUCK METHOD OF FLYING

    Today's flight age is an era highlighted with increasing emphasis on
    safety. Instrumentation in the cockpit and in the traffic control tower has
    reached new peaks of electronic perfection to assist the pilot during
    take-offs, flight, and landings. For whimsical contrast to these and other
    marvels of scientific flight engineering, it is perhaps opportune to remind
    pilots of the basic rules concerning the so-called Cat-and-Duck Method of
    Flight, just in case something goes wrong with any of these new- fangled
    flying instruments you find in today's aircraft.

    Place a live cat on the cockpit floor. Because a cat always remains
    upright, he or she can be used in lieu of a needle and ball. Merely watch
    to see which way the cat leans to determine if a wing is low and, if so,
    which one.

    The duck is used for the instrument approach and landing. Because any
    sensible duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions, it is only
    necessary to hurl your duck out of the plane and follow her to the ground.

    There are some limitations to the Cat-and-Duck Method, but by rigidly
    adhering to the following check list, a degree of success will be achieved.

    * Get a wide-awake cat. Most cats do not want to stand up at all, at any
    time. It may be necessary to get a large fierce dog in the cockpit to
    keep the cat at attention.
    * Make sure your cat is clean. Dirty cats will spend all their time
    washing. Trying to follow a cat licking itself usually results in a
    tight snap roll, followed by an inverted (or flat) spin. You can see
    this is very unsanitary.
    * Old cats are best. Young cats have nine lives, but an old used-up cat
    with only one life left has just as much to lose an you do and will
    therefore be more dependable.
    * Beware of cowardly ducks. If the duck discovers that you are using the
    cat to stay upright - or straight and level- she will refuse to leave
    without the cat. Ducks are no better on instruments than you are.
    * Be sure the duck has good eyesight. Nearsighted ducks sometimes will
    go flogging off into the nearest hill. Very short-sighted ducks will
    not realize they have been thrown out and will descend to the ground
    in a sitting position. This maneuver is quite difficult to follow in
    an airplane.
    * Use land-loving ducks. It is very discouraging to break out and find
    yourself on final approach for some farm pound in Iowa. Also, the
    farmers there suffer from temporary insanity when chasing crows off
    their corn fields and will shoot anything that flies.
    * Choose your duck carefully. It is easy to confuse ducks with geese
    because many water birds look alike. While they are very competent
    instrument flyers , geese seldom want to go in the same direction you
    do. If your duck heads off for the Okefenokee Swamp, you may be sure
    you have been given the goose.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    WHY CATS ARE BETTER THEN MEN

    Cats keep their opinions to themselves
    Cat's don't criticize your mother
    Cats never question how much you're eating
    Cats never claim they know how to fix larger appliances
    Cats understand the importance of beauty sleep
    Cats are happy to let you drive
    Cats always look good first thing in the morning
    One good purr can be worth a thousand words
    Cats don't complain when you get a short haircut
    Cats love it when you go shopping
    Cats never return the gifts you get them
    Cats are able to keep the romance alive
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Map of the Cat's Brain

    -------------------------------------------------------------
    | Obsession with | Mysterious Adoration of | Barf Gland|
    | Imaginary Insects | just one spot on the bed | |
    ------------------------------------------------------------- (should
    | Search and | Inexorable | Short Circuit | | be an
    | Destroy | fear of | that makes purr-| Licking | arrow
    | lobe for | Vacuum | ing kitty an | Gland | between
    | Expensive | Cleaners | arm-shredding |------------ licking &
    | Imported |---------------| Maniac in Two | Total | barfing)
    | Textiles, | Can Opener | seconds | drive to |
    | Ceramics | sonar | ----------------| be where |
    ------------------------------| Asthmatic | they are |
    | Shedding on | * | person locator | forbidden |
    | vacuumed freshly |----------------------------| to go |
    | surfaces cortex | Infatuation with people |-----------|
    |------------------| who hate cats | Inability |
    | hatred of dogs |----------------------------| to get |
    |------------------| | along with|
    | new cat |
    * Commitment Spot (gets larger -------------
    when can opener sonar is
    activated)

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Top Ten Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password

    By Dave Fore

    10. E-Mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."

    9. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.

    8. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like
    alt.recreational.catnip.

    7. Your web browser has a new home page: http://www.feline.com/.

    6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it ... and a strange aroma of tuna.

    5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of
    "CyberDog."

    4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.

    3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat
    II.

    2. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser.

    1. There are little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    [Editor's Note: This came to me through the Feline-L list. I do not know
    the author's e-mail address, but please, if you forward this, leave her
    name so as to give credit where it is due.]

    HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL

    by Peggy Althoff

    1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if
    you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "Thats a nice kitty." Drop
    pill into its mouth.

    2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.

    3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left
    hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth
    with right forefinger.

    4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse
    to get new cat.)

    5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in
    bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over
    cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by
    lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is
    down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just
    as well.

    6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.

    7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.

    8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and
    pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open
    cat's mouth, take pill and...Oooops!

    9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws
    are causing the chaos.

    10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on
    floor.

    11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.

    12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.

    13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to
    flatten cat.)

    14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man - or
    woman.

    15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth
    at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.

    16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.

    17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).

    18. Take two aspirins and lie down.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Rules of Etiquette for Inexperienced Cats

    If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage
    this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag is good!

    Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the
    evening.

    He won't dare push you off and will even call you "nice kitty." If you can
    arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better.

    For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors which
    contrast with your own.

    Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do
    anything. Just sit and stare.

    For guests who say, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain, claws
    applied to stockings or a quick nip on the ankles.

    Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs
    and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not
    necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an
    outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several
    things. This is particularly important during very cold weather or mosquito
    season.

    If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one. For
    book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the
    book itself.

    For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to dose. Then reach
    out and slap knitting needles sharply. This is what she calls a dropped
    stitch. She will try to distract you. Ignore it.

    For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After being
    removed for the second time, push anything movable off the table -- pens,
    pencils, stamps -- one at a time.

    Get enough sleep during the daytime so that you are fresh for playing at
    night between 2 & 4 a.m.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    The following is excerpted from a text used in our graduate program in
    special education. Unfortunately, I only have my copy of the page, and have
    lost the cite. Perhaps someone out there in the special ed field will
    recognize it.............Anyway, it starts off kinda slow, but I think
    you'll enjoy it.

    The Cat Test

    To identify emotionally disturbed individuals accurately, Algozzine,
    Foster, and Kaufman (1979) developed the CAT TEST. This simple, yet novel
    test is easily administered by professionals, parents, and aides. It
    involves three simple steps. (1) place testee in empty room facing far
    wall; (2) place cat into center of room, close and latch door; (3) after 10
    minutes, open the door. Algozzine, et. al., note that the CAT TEST allows
    fine discriminations between subclassifications of emotional disturbance.
    They offer the following guidelines for interpretation of results.

    1. OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - four neat, meticulous piles of fur to be found in
    the corners of room - cat alive, but cold.

    2. SOCIALIZED DELINQUENT - fur scattered randomly about room and on testee
    - cat alive, still cold.

    3a. MANIC/DEPRESSIVE (MANIC STAGE) - pieces of cat scattered randomly about
    room - cat terminated.

    3b. MANIC/DEPRESSIVE (DEPRESSIVE STAGE) - pieces of testee scattered
    randomly about room - emotional stability of cat suspect.

    4. PARANOID REACTION - testee cowering in far corner of room - cat alive
    and sleeping in center of room.

    5. PSYCOPATHOLOGY - only evidence of cat is skin, wrapped loosely about
    testee's head - cat assumed terminated.

    6. SCHIZOPHRENIC REACTION - testee in center of room carrying on long
    existential discussion with cat - cat alive, but confused.

    7. NEUROTIC REACTION - testee asking cat for advise about migraine headache
    - cat alive and still confused.

    8. CATATONIC REACTION - testee in corner of room with back arched, hair on
    end, hissing and refusing to acknowledge presence of cat - cat alive,
    confused, and sexually aroused.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Has anyone had to take a cat to the Vet? On public transport?

    I did, and it was probably the most harrowing experience of my life except
    for when I had a spectacular bowel disorder. My cat had a Sheep Tick lodged
    on his head, that could not be removed, so I decided to take him to the
    vet. When I had bought the cat, I'd also bought a cat basket made from
    stout wicker for this very purpose.

    I went to the closet and took out the basket, but Cat saw it and gave me a
    cocky, head on one side, look that said, quite simply, "If you think I am
    going to humiliate myself by putting my fine, furry body in that, you can
    shove it up your arse, mate"

    So I put the basket on the table, and picked up the cat, cooing soft,
    gentle phrases that would have calmed down one of those dogs that are
    banned and owned by people with their names tatooed on their foreheads in
    mirror writing. Cat started to purr, albeit suspiciously. However, as soon
    as I got him near the door of the basket, his limbs shot so wide that he
    was clawing at both sides of the room simultaneously. There followed two
    minutes of what seemed like fighting with an angry furry octopus with more
    claws than Geronimo's necklace and the temper of Don King with his german
    helmet caught in his fly.

    "Come on, puss, go in"

    "Meow"

    "Please...ouch"

    "Hiss....snarl"

    "Get in you fat fucking furry fucker"

    "Meeoooow...growl..."

    etc..etc..

    Eventually I succeeded, because I am over 6 feet and 200 pounds. But I had
    been scratched so much that I looked like I'd had Freddy Krueger round for
    tea and angered him with a comment about his mother's facial hair. So, I
    took him to the bus stop and waited in the queue. Cat sat with his paws
    folded with an expression of loathing disgust, planning his ultimate
    revenge.... We got on the bus and sat down. It was the usual group of
    afternoon, off-peak passengers; Old ladies because they could travel for
    free and spotty adolescents going to burgle houses. For the first few
    minutes, Cat kept quiet, shuffling about a little, and licking his bottom.
    Then it started.

    "meow..."

    "Meowwwww..."

    "M E E O O W....WOOOOOOO....WOWOWOWO.....MEEEEEEEOOOWW...grrrrroowwwwlll"

    The old lady next to me was rather startled. I think she thought it was an
    Air-Raid siren, and she started mumbling "Old Fritz is at it again and my
    Arthur was never the same after they shot one of his balls off" But it soon
    became apparent to everyone on the bus that it was Cat who was making the
    racket. Spotty kid at the back took his Walkman headphones off.

    Then came the bombshell. It started as the faintest whiff - the merest
    zephyr of cat shite wafting up my nose. It's worth pondering for a moment
    what goes on in a cats devilish insides. Consider what goes in at the front
    end. Certain brands of cat food in the UK have recently been classified as
    "fit for human consumption". But if I came home after a hard day at the
    office and found a tin of that laid out for my dinner there would be a
    great deal of shouting and a trip to the lawyer's. Cat food is vile. There
    is a common bond that is shared across humanity - everyone in the whole
    world, when opening a tin of cat food before breakfast shouts "Oh Jesus
    Fucking Christ" when they get a whiff of it. Even Arabs. So, considering
    the material a cat has to work with, coupled with a set of bile organs
    developed by Lucifer himself, you can understand why I was sitting on a bus
    surrounded by people looking like they were entrants in a Face Pulling &
    Pointing competition. And then came the urine.

    Yokshire, in North England (where I live) has recently suffered a drought.
    In an attempt to resolve the situation, Yorkshire Water Limited had to
    draft in hundreds of water tankers to top up the depleted resevoirs. They
    needn't have bothered. All they had to do was couple a pipeline to my cat's
    wang, erect a sizable distilling facility and provide gas masks to the
    local residents. I have never seen as much urine come from a living being.
    I've giggled at horses relieving themselves in fields, and I've seen an
    elephant taking an impressive leak in a TV programme. But they are
    insignificant compared to the amount of fluid that a cat can hold when it's
    angry. Steven Hawking alone can contemplate the multi-dimensionality that
    allows my 16 pound cat to store gallons of water in its zeppelin of a
    bladder.

    Of course, wicker baskets do not hermetically seal.

    So the fluid ran straight on to my trousers. My khaki, summer trousers. The
    crotch of my trousers. It was way before my stop, but I just had to get off
    the bus because people were starting to threaten me between retches. I
    walked down the aisle, dripping with wee, holding a caterwauling ball of
    furry anger in a basket.

    I had to walk about a mile to the Vet's, with people looking straight at
    the dark, damp patch that was my crotch. It was very difficult to retain my
    dignity. When I got to the Vet's, the man took one look at the cat, whipped
    out some tweezers and had the Tick removed in an instant. Presenting me
    with a bill that was large enough to buy food for a platoon of hungry
    soldiers with tapeworms, he said "You could have removed that at home - you
    needn't have made the effort to come all the way here".

    The next thing he said was "Ouch - there's no need for th...", followed by
    "Oh Jesus, my plums", and rounding off with "That bill has got to be paid
    -- it's no good wiping your crotch with it".
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments



    Cat Bathing as a Martial Art

    by Bud Herron

    Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves
    clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva
    that works like New, Improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and
    whisks it away.

    I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind
    believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary - the
    kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that
    cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

    The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must look
    squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and
    announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

    When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice
    you might consider as you place your feline friend under you arm and head
    for the bathtub:

    * Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of
    concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize
    on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him
    in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small
    bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend
    that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors
    as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will
    not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain
    quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

    * Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin
    from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how
    to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into
    high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army
    helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket.

    * Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel
    when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the
    water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass
    enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying
    on your back in the water.

    * Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to
    simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice
    your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a
    rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking
    part in a product- testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

    * Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a
    single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub
    enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and
    squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds
    of your life. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy
    fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on
    to him for more that two or three seconds at a time. When you have
    him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo
    and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the
    water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record is -- for
    cats -- three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

    * Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this
    part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at
    this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the
    drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's
    because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg.
    You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and
    wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top
    of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to
    shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the
    water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach
    down and dry the cat.

    In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He
    will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot
    of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic
    and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

    You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As
    a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure
    you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least now
    he smells a lot better. California State University, Long Beach, Library

    ,/| _.--''^``-...___.._.,;
    /, \'. _-' ,--,,,--'''
    { \ `_-'' ' /}
    `;;' ; ; ;
    ._..--'' ._,,, _..' .;.'
    (,_....----''' (,..--''

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Newsgroups: bit.listserv.nuts
    Subject: Cats' Top Ten Songs
    From: APUCORLE@IDBSU.BITNET
    Date: Thu, 10 Dec 1992 08:53:11 MST

    Cats' Top Ten Favorite Christmas Songs:

    10. Up on the Mousetop
    9. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas
    8. Joy to the Curled
    7. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus
    6. The First Meow
    5. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful
    4. Silent Mice
    3. Fluffy, the Snowman
    2. Jingle Balls
    1. Wreck the Halls!
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    The College Food Chain

    I found this on a wall at Iowa State University.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    THE DEAN
    Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
    Is more powerful than a locomotive
    Is faster than a speeding bullet
    Walks on water
    Gives policy to God

    THE DEPARTMENT HEAD
    Leaps short buildings in a single bound
    Is more powerful than a switch engine
    Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
    Walks on water if sea is calm
    Talks with God

    PROFESSOR
    Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
    Is almost as powerful a switch engine
    Is faster than a speeding BB
    Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
    Talks with God if a special request is honored

    ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR
    Barely clears a quonset hut
    Loses tug of war with a locomotive
    Can fire a speeding bullet
    Swims well
    Is occasionally addressed by God

    ASSISTANT PROFESSOR
    Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings
    Is run over by locomotives
    Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
    Treads water
    Talks to animals

    INSTRUCTOR
    Climbs walls continually
    Rides the rails
    Plays russian roulette
    Walks on thin ice
    Prays a lot

    GRADUATE STUDENT
    Runs into buildings
    Recognizes locomotives two out of three times
    Is not issued ammunition
    Can stay afloat with a life jacket
    Talks to walls

    UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT
    Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings
    Says "Look at the choo-choo"
    Wets himself with a water pistol
    Plays in mud puddles
    Mumbles to himself

    THE DEPARTMENTAL SECRETARY
    Picks up tall buildings and walks under them
    Knocks locomotives off track when sneezes
    Catches speeding bullets in teeth for fun
    Parts large bodies of water
    Is God
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
    Subject: C Compiler Errors (For Real).
    Keywords: computer, chuckle
    Date: 7 Aug 91 10:30:04 GMT

    These are some of the error messages produced by Apple's MPW C compiler.
    These are all real. (If you must know I was bored one afternoon and
    decompiled the String resources for the compiler.) The compiler is 324k in
    size so these are just an excerpt I hope. I'm not sure where I stand on the
    copyright issue.

    Tony Cunningham

    "String literal too long (I let you have 512 characters, that's 3 more than
    ANSI said I should)"

    "...And the lord said, 'lo, there shall only be case or default labels
    inside a switch statement'"

    "a typedef name was a complete surprise to me at this point in your
    program"

    "'Volatile' and 'Register' are not miscible"

    "You can't modify a constant, float upstream, win an argument with the IRS,
    or satisfy this compiler"

    "This struct already has a perfectly good definition"

    "This onion already has a perfectly good definition"

    "type in (cast) must be scalar; ANSI 3.3.4; page 39, lines 10-11 (I know
    you don't care, I'm just trying to annoy you)"

    "Can't cast a void type to type void (because the ANSI spec. says so,
    that's why)"

    "Huh ?"

    "can't go mucking with a 'void *'"

    "we already did this function"

    "This label is the target of a goto from outside of the block containing
    this label AND this block has an automatic variable with an initializer AND
    your window wasn't wide enough to read this whole error message"

    "Call me paranoid but finding '/*' inside this comment makes me suspicious"

    "Too many errors on one line (make fewer)"

    "Symbol table full - fatal heap error; please go buy a RAM upgrade from
    your local Apple dealer"
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Two new elements have been discovered.

    < > < > < > < > < > < > < > < > < > < > < > < > < > < >
    Element : WOMAN
    Symbol : Wo
    Atomic Weight : 120 (more or less)

    Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may
    freeze anytime. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used
    well.

    Chemical properties: Very active. Possesses strong affinity to gold,
    silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to
    absorb great amount of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed beside
    a better specimen. Ages rapidly.

    Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for disintegration of
    wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

    Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Element : MAN
    Symbol : XY
    Common Name(s) : Varies anywhere from John to !@#$&*!
    Atomic Weight : 180+/-100

    Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature but easily gets bent out of
    shape. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample.
    Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as
    young, fresh samples.

    Chemical Properties: Attempt to bond with Wo any chance it can get. Also,
    tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with
    Kd (element Kid) for a prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating
    with alcohol.

    Usage: None really, except methane production. Good samples are able to
    produce large quantities on command.

    Caution: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and begins
    to smell.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    THE ETIOLOGY & TREATMENT OF CHILDHOOD

    Jordan W. Smoller, University of Pennsylvania

    Childhood is a syndrome which has only recently begun to receive serious
    attention from clinicians. The syndrome itself, however, is not at all
    recent. As early as the 8th century, the Persian historian Kidnom made
    references to "short, noisy creatures," who may well have been what we now
    call "children." The treatment of children, however, was unknown until this
    century, when so-called "child psychologists" and "child psychiatrists"
    became common. Despite this history of clinical neglect, it has been
    estimated that well over half of all Americans alive today have experienced
    childhood directly (Suess, 1983). In fact, the actual numbers are probably
    much higher, since these data are based on self-reports which may be
    subject to social desirability biases and retrospective distortion.

    The growing acceptance of childhood as a distinct phenomenon is reflected
    in the proposed inclusion of the syndrome in the upcoming Diagnostic and
    Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th edition, or DSM-IV, of the
    American Psychiatric Association (1990). Clinicians are still in
    disagreement about the significant clinical features of childhood, but the
    proposed DSM-IV will almost certainly include the following core features:

    * Congenital onset
    * Dwarfism
    * Emotional lability and immaturity
    * Knowledge deficits
    * Legume anorexia

    Clinical Features of Childhood:

    Although the focus of this paper is on the efficacy of conventional
    treatment of childhood, the five clinical markers mentioned above merit
    further discussion for those unfamiliar with this patient population.

    CONGENITAL ONSET

    In one of the few existing literature reviews on childhood, Temple- Black
    (1982) has noted that childhood is almost always present at birth, although
    it may go undetected for years or even remain subclinical indefinitely.
    This observation has led some investigators to speculate on a biological
    contribution to childhood. As one psychologist has put it, "we may soon be
    in a position to distinguish organic childhood from functional childhood"
    (Rogers, 1979).

    DWARFISM

    This is certainly the most familiar marker of childhood. It is widely known
    that children are physically short relative to the population at large.
    Indeed, common clinical wisdom suggests that the treatment of the so-called
    "small child" (or "tot") is particularly difficult. These children are
    known to exhibit infantile behavior and display a startling lack of insight
    (Tom and Jerry, 1967).

    EMOTIONAL LABILITY AND IMMATURITY

    This aspect of childhood is often the only basis for a clinician's
    diagnosis. As a result, many otherwise normal adults are misdiagnosed as
    children and must suffer the unnecessary social stigma of being labelled a
    "child" by professionals and friends alike.

    KNOWLEDGE DEFICITS

    While many children have IQ's with or even above the norm, almost all will
    manifest knowledge deficits. Anyone who has known a real child has
    experienced the frustration of trying to discuss any topic that requires
    some general knowledge. Children seem to have little knowledge about the
    world they live in. Politics, art, and science -- children are largely
    ignorant of these. Perhaps it is because of this ignorance, but the sad
    fact is that most children have few friends who are not, themselves,
    children.

    LEGUME ANOREXIA

    This last identifying feature is perhaps the most unexpected. Folk wisdom
    is supported by empirical observation -- children will rarely eat their
    vegetables (see Popeye, 1957, for review).

    Causes of Childhood:

    Now that we know what it is, what can we say about the causes of childhood?
    Recent years have seen a flurry of theory and speculation from a number of
    perspectives. Some of the most prominent are reviewed below.

    Sociological Model

    Emile Durkind was perhaps the first to speculate about sociological causes
    of childhood. He points out two key observations about children:

    1) the vast majority of children are unemployed, and
    2) children represent one of the least educated segments of our society.

    In fact, it has been estimated that less than 20% of children have had more
    than fourth grade education.

    Clearly, children are an "out-group." Because of their intellectual
    handicap, children are even denied the right to vote. From the
    sociologist's perspective, treatment should be aimed at helping assimilate
    children into mainstream society. Unfortunately, some victims are so
    incapacitated by their childhood that they are simply not competent to
    work. One promising rehabilitation program (Spanky and Alfalfa, 1978) has
    trained victims of severe childhood to sell lemonade.

    Biological Model

    The observation that childhood is usually present from birth has led some
    to speculate on a biological contribution. An early investigation by
    Flintstone and Jetson (1939) indicated that childhood runs in families.
    Their survey of over 8,000 American families revealed that over half
    contained more than one child. Further investigation revealed that even
    most non-child family members had experienced childhood at some point.
    Cross-cultural studies (e.g., Mowgli & Din, 1950) indicate that family
    childhood is even more prevalent in the Far East. For example, in Indian
    and Chinese families, as many as three out of four family members may have
    childhood.

    Impressive evidence of a genetic component of childhood comes from a
    large-scale twin study by Brady and Partridge (1972). These authors studied
    over 106 pairs of twins, looking at concordance rates for childhood. Among
    identical or monozygotic twins, concordance was unusually high (0.92),
    i.e., when one twin was diagnosed with childhood, the other twin was almost
    always a child as well.

    Psychological Models

    A considerable number of psychologically-based theories of the development
    of childhood exist. They are too numerous to review here. Among the more
    familiar models are Seligman's "learned childishness" model. According to
    this model, individuals who are treated like children eventually give up
    and become children. As a counterpoint to such theories, some experts have
    claimed that childhood does not really exist. Szasz (1980) has called
    "childhood" an expedient label. In seeking conformity, we handicap those
    whom we find unruly or too short to deal with by labelling them "children."

    Treatment of Childhood:

    Efforts to treat childhood are as old as the syndrome itself. Only in
    modern times, however, have humane and systematic treatment protocols been
    applied. In part, this increased attention to the problem may be due to the
    sheer number of individuals suffering from childhood. Government statistics
    (DHHS) reveal that there are more children alive today than at any time in
    our history. To paraphrase P.T. Barnum: "There's a child born every
    minute."

    The overwhelming number of children has made government intervention
    inevitable. The nineteenth century saw the institution of what remains the
    largest single program for the treatment of childhood -- so-called "public
    schools." Under this colossal program, individuals are placed into
    treatment groups based on the severity of their condition. For example,
    those most severely afflicted may be placed in a "kindergarten" program.
    Patients at this level are typically short, unruly, emotionally
    immature,and intellectually deficient. Given this type of individual,
    therapy is essentially one of patient management and of helping the child
    master basic skills (e.g. finger-painting).

    Unfortunately, the "school" system has been largely ineffective. Not only
    is the program a massive tax burden, but it has failed even to slow down
    the rising incidence of childhood.

    Faced with this failure and the growing epidemic of childhood, mental
    health professionals are devoting increasing attention to the treatment of
    childhood. Given a theoretical framework by Freud's landmark treatises on
    childhood, child psychiatrists and psychologists claimed great successes in
    their clinical interventions.

    By the 1950's, however, the clinicians' optimism had waned. Even after
    years of costly analysis, many victims remained children. The following
    case (taken from Gumbie & Poke, 1957) is typical.

    Billy J., age 8, was brought to treatment by his parents. Billy's
    affliction was painfully obvious. He stood only 4'3" high and
    weighed a scant 70 lbs., despite the fact that he ate
    voraciously. Billy presented a variety of troubling symptoms. His
    voice was noticeably high for a man. He displayed legume
    anorexia, and, according to his parents, often refused to bathe.
    His intellectual functioning was also below normal -- he had
    little general knowledge and could barely write a structured
    sentence. Social skills were also deficient. He often spoke
    inappropriately and exhibited "whining behaviour." His sexual
    experience was non-existent. Indeed, Billy considered women
    "icky." His parents reported that his condition had been present
    from birth, improving gradually after he was placed in a school
    at age 5. The diagnosis was "primary childhood." After years of
    painstaking treatment, Billy improved gradually. At age 11, his
    height and weight have increased, his social skills are broader,
    and he is now functional enough to hold down a "paper route."

    After years of this kind of frustration, startling new evidence has come to
    light which suggests that the prognosis in cases of childhood may not be
    all gloom. A critical review by Fudd (1972) noted that studies of the
    childhood syndrome tend to lack careful follow-up. Acting on this
    observation, Moe, Larrie, and Kirly (1974) began a large-scale longitudinal
    study. These investigators studied two groups. The first group consisted of
    34 children currently engaged in a long-term conventional treatment
    program. The second was a group of 42 children receiving no treatment. All
    subjects had been diagnosed as children at least 4 years previously, with a
    mean duration of childhood of 6.4 years.

    At the end of one year, the results confirmed the clinical wisdom that
    childhood is a refractory disorder -- virtually all symptoms persisted and
    the treatment group was only slightly better off than the controls.

    The results, however, of a careful 10-year follow-up were startling. The
    investigators (Moe, Larrie, Kirly , & Shemp, 1984) assessed the original
    cohort on a variety of measures. General knowledge and emotional maturity
    were assessed with standard measures. Height was assessed by the "metric
    system" (see Ruler, 1923), and legume appetite by the Vegetable Appetite
    Test (VAT) designed by Popeye (1968). Moe et al. found that subjects
    improved uniformly on all measures. Indeed, in most cases, the subjects
    appeared to be symptom-free. Moe et al. report a spontaneous remission rate
    of 95%, a finding which is certain to revolutionize the clinical approach
    to childhood.

    These recent results suggests that the prognosis for victims of childhood
    may not be so bad as we have feared. We must not, however, become too
    complacent. Despite its apparently high spontaneous remission rate,
    childhood remains one of the most serious and rapidly growing disorders
    facing mental health professional today. And, beyond the psychological pain
    it brings, childhood has recently been linked to a number of physical
    disorders. Twenty years ago, Howdi, Doodi, and Beauzeau (1965) demonstrated
    a six-fold increased risk of chicken pox, measles, and mumps among children
    as compared with normal controls. Later, Barby and Kenn (1971) linked
    childhood to an elevated risk of accidents -- compared with normal adults,
    victims of childhood were much more likely to scrape their knees, lose
    their teeth, and fall off their bikes. Clearly, much more research is
    needed before we can give any real hope to the millions of victims wracked
    by this insidious disorder.

    REFERENCES

    * American Psychiatric Association (1990). The diagnostic and
    statistical manual of mental disorders, 4th edition: A preliminary
    report. Washington, D.C.; APA.
    * Barby, B., & Kenn, K. (1971). The plasticity of behaviour. In B.
    * Barby & K. Kenn (Eds.), Psychotherapies R Us. Detroit: Ronco press.
    * Brady, C., & Partridge, S. (1972). My dads bigger than your dad. Acta
    Eur. Age, 9, 123-126.
    * Flintstone, F., & Jetson, G. (1939). Cognitive mediation of labour
    disputes. Industrial Psychology Today, 2, 23-35.
    * Fudd, E.J. (1972). Locus of control and shoe-size. Journal of Footwear
    Psychology, 78, 345-356.
    * Gumbie, G., & Pokey, P. (1957). A cognitive theory of iron-smelting.
    Journal of Abnormal Metallurgy, 45, 235-239.
    * Howdi, C., Doodi, C., & Beauzeau, C. (1965). Western civilization: A
    review of the literature. Reader's digest, 60, 23-25.
    * Moe, R., Larrie, T., & Kirly, Q. (1974). State childhood vs. trait
    childhood. TV guide, May 12-19, 1-3.
    * Moe, R., Larrie, T., Kirly, Q., & Shemp, C. (1984). Spontaneous
    remission of childhood In W.C. Fields (Ed.), New hope for children and
    animals. Hollywood: Acme Press.
    * Popeye, T.S.M. (1957). The use of spinach in extreme circumstances.
    Journal of Vegetable Science, 58, 530-538.
    * Popeye, T.S.M. (1968). Spinach: A phenomenological perspective.
    Existential botany, 35, 908-813.
    * Rogers, F. (1979). Becoming my neighbour. New York:Soft press.
    * Ruler, Y. (1923). Assessing measurements protocols by the multi-method
    multiple regression index for the psychometric analysis of factorial
    interaction. Annals of Boredom, 67, 1190-1260.
    * Spanky, D., & Alfalfa, Q. (1978). Coping with puberty. Sears
    catalogue, 45-46.
    * Suess, D.R. (1983). A psychometric analysis of green eggs with and
    without ham. Journal of clinical cuisine, 245, 567-578.
    * Temple-Black, S. (1982). Childhood: an ever-so sad disorder. Journal
    of precocity, 3, 129-134.
    * Tom, C., & Jerry, M. (1967). Human behaviour as a model for
    understanding the rat. In M. de Sade (Ed.). The rewards of Punishment.
    Paris:Bench press.

    FURTHER READINGS

    * Christ, J.H. (1980). Grandiosity in children. Journal of applied
    theology, 1, 1-1000.
    * Joe, G.I. (1965). Aggressive fantasy as wish fulfilment. Archives of
    General MacArthur, 5, 23-45.
    * Leary, T. (1969). Pharmacotherapy for childhood. Annals of
    astrological Science, 67, 456-459.
    * Kissoff, K.G.B. (1975). Extinction of learnt behaviour. Paper
    presented to the Siberian Psychological Association, 38th annual
    Annual meeting, Kamchatka.
    * Smythe, C., & Barnes, T. (1979). Behaviour therapy prevents tooth
    decay. Journal of behavioral Orthodontics, 5, 79-89.
    * Potash, S., & Hoser, B. (1980). A failure to replicate the results of
    Smythe and Barnes. Journal of dental psychiatry, 34, 678-680.
    * Smythe, C., & Barnes, T. (1980). Your study was poorly done: A reply
    to Potash and Hoser. Annual review of Aquatic psychiatry, 10, 123-156.
    * Potash, S., & Hoser, B. (1981). Your mother wears army boots: A
    further reply to Smythe and Barnes. Archives of invective research,
    56, 5-9.
    * Smythe, C., & Barnes, T. (1982). Embarrassing moments in the sex lives
    of Potash and Hoser: A further reply. National Enquirer, May 16.
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    Back to Science and Medicine

    Back to Tina's Humor Archives main page

    Comments

    Newsgroups: bit.listserv.folklore
    Subject: TWISTED TUNES
    From: WATPOD44@ADMIN.CARLETON.CA
    Date: Tue, 30 Jan 90 13:22:58 EST

    Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
    Frostbite chewing on your nose.
    Yuletide carollers being thrown on a fire
    And folks dressed up like buffaloes

    Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow
    Helps to make the season right.
    Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out
    Will find it hard to sleep tonight.

    They know that Santa's on his way
    He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh (slay?)
    And every mother's child is gonna spy
    To see if reindeer really scream when they die.

    And so I'm offering this simple phrase
    To kids from 1 to 92.
    Although it's been said many times, many ways;
    Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, **** YOU!
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
    Subject: Cobol, oh Cobol
    Date: 4 Jun 90 10:30:05 GMT
    Keywords: computer, original, smirk

    Dear Friends,

    There are many people, who, for no fault of their own, are forced to write
    in COBOL. Whereas some of us work out 2 plus 2 by saying "PRINT 2+2" or
    something equally laconic (indeed the older ones amongst us can actually do
    such calculations in our heads), COBOL sufferers have to say "ADD 2 TO 2
    GIVING THE ANSWER, PLEASE, NICE MR COMPUTER, AND SEND ME A MEMO ABOUT IT IN
    TIME FOR THE BOARD MEETING"

    So what can we do for these people? One answer is therapy. Here is a
    typical case study of a sufferer locked away in solitary confinement with
    nothing but IBM manuals to keep him company.

    Day 1: Subject persistently screaming for Oxford English Dictionary (20-odd
    volumes). Gnawed three of his toes off when this request denied.

    Day 2: Subject very subdued, and starts compiling his own dictionary from
    bits of bed linen and stale soup.

    Day 3: Subject befriends a wasp in the cell, and starts asking it to add
    two and two.

    Day 4: First breakthrough. Subject reads IBM manual.

    Day 5: Subject complains that his bed needs emergency engineering.

    Day 6: Subject tears up his dictionary and starts listing abend codes.

    Day 7: Success. Subject says "ICH 9000I Good morning" when his warder
    brings him a bowl of porridge.

    ... as you can see, there is some way to go before a complete cure can be
    guaranteed.

    Meanwhile send lots of money to me. This is nothing to do with the
    campaign, I just want some money.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
    Subject: Letter from College
    Keywords: smirk
    Date: 28 Jul 91 23:30:04 GMT

    My mother sent this form letter to me when I was having a really bad time
    with my thesis. I don't know where it came from, she says it was already
    ancient when SHE went to school...

    Dear Mother and Dad:

    It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss
    in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written
    before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit
    down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down...
    Okay???

    Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the
    concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it
    caught fire shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only
    spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only
    get three headaches a day.

    Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an
    attendant at the gas station near the dorm and he was the one who called
    the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital,
    and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind
    enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement
    room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen
    deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact
    date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

    Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward
    to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the
    same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The
    reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor
    infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I
    carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin
    injections I am now taking daily.

    I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and
    although not well educated, he is ambtious. Although he is of a different
    race and religion than ours, I know you expressed tolerence will not permit
    you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than
    ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good,
    too for I am told that his father is an important gunbearer in the village
    in Africa from which he comes.

    Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was
    no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not
    in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have
    syphillis and there is no schwartze in my life..... However, I am getting a
    "D" in History and an "F" in Science.... and I wanted you to see these
    marks in the proper perspective.

    Your loving daughter,
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    MEMORANDUM

    From: Headquarters - New York
    To: General Managers

    Next Thursday at 10:30 Halley's Comet will appear over this area. This is
    an event which occurs only once every 75 years. Notify all directors and
    have them arrange for all employees to assemble on the Company lawn and
    inform them of the occurrence of this phenomenon. If it rains, cancel the
    day's observation and assemble in the auditorium to see a film about the
    comet.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    MEMORANDUM

    From: General Manager
    To: Managers

    By order of the Executive Vice President, next Thursday at 10:30, Halley's
    Comet will appear over the Company lawn. If it rains, cancel the day's work
    and report to the auditorium with all employees where we will show films: a
    phenomenal event which occurs every 75 years.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    MEMORANDUM

    From: Manager
    To: All Department Chiefs

    By order of the phenomenal Vice President, at 10:30 next Thursday, Halley's
    Comet will appear in the auditorium. In case of rain over the Company lawn,
    the Executive Vice President will give another order, something which
    occurs only every 75 years.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    MEMORANDUM

    From: Department Chief
    To: Section Chiefs

    Next Thursday at 10:30 the Executive Vice President will appear in the
    auditorium with Halley's Comet, something which occurs every 75 years. If
    it rains, the Executive Vice President will cancel the comet and order us
    all out to our phenomenal Company lawn.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    MEMORANDUM

    From: Section Chief
    To: All EA's

    When it rains next Thursday at 10:30 over the Company lawn, the phenomenal
    75 year old Executive Vice President will cancel all work and appear before
    all employees in the auditorium accompanied by Bill Halley and his Comets.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Useful Computer Acronyms

    PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
    ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
    APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
    SCSI: System Can't See It
    DOS: Defunct Operating System
    BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
    IBM: I Blame Microsoft
    DEC: Do Expect Cuts
    CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
    OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too.
    WWW: World Wide Wait
    MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    (Taken from an actual Compaq ad in a British magazine.)

    Compaq Wishes To Apologize For This Advertisement.

    In particular, we wish to apologize for the headline. We suggest you skip
    it and go straight to the rest of the ad, after which you should simply
    FILL IN AND POST THE COUPON. If you haven't got time to read the ad, SIMPLY
    FILL IN AND POST THE COUPON. On your way to POST THE COUPON you may pass a
    COMPAQ dealer in which case simply GO IN AND BUY A COMPAQ. This will save
    you the price of a stamp.

    HOW TO PROVE THAT COMPAQ RUNS 30% FASTER THAN IBM. Buy two greyhounds, name
    one COMPAQ and the other IBM. Feed COMPAQ on lean steak and IBM on old
    socks stuffed with rabbit droppings. After a month, enter both in the 3.30
    at Hackney and you will notice that Compaq runs at least 30% faster than
    IBM. Of course, this test is totally unfair and one-sided, but gives the
    same result as racing the computers in your office.

    PROTECT YOURSELF AGAINST NASTY ACCIDENTS. (Picture of statue w/o arms or
    legs is shown at left.) This is what happens to computer operators who lose
    all the data on an important disk. Protect yourself with a built-in tape
    back-up safety system. Too bad if you own an IBM or some other make, only
    COMPAQ computers have them.

    SIN IN STYLE -- SOFTWEAR WORLD. Sorry. Wrong. Terribly sorry. Sorry to
    disappoint those of you who were hoping for something titillating, but this
    whole section is in fact the result of a silly spelling mistake. Instead of
    softwear, please read software. Then reach for any IBM catalogue, in which
    you will find listed thousands of programs you can run on COMPAQ computers.
    So sorry.

    WHAT PERCENTAGE OF IBM SOFTWARE WILL RUN ON A COMPAQ? By sheer coincidence,
    this is the same percentage of waiters in Indian restaurants who hail from
    the small Bangladeshi town of Sylhet. Nearly 100%. For further details and
    first-class lamb dhansak, ring 01-836 9787.

    BYTES OF RAM. The compaq deskpro 286 offers 8.2 megabytes of RAM. IBM's PC
    AT can only manage a 3 megabyte nibble. Cheez, even our carry-away Portable
    does 2.6 megabytes.

    THE COMPAQ DUAL_MODE MONITOR. At last, a monitor lizard that can display
    both high resolution text and high resolution graphics on one screen. IBM's
    (and all their spawn) need separate iguanas for text and graphics. More
    details from our sales reptiles. Contact them on 01-940 8860.

    SIMPLE ANT MATHS: LESSON 1. Let one ant equal one byte of information.
    COMPAQ's built-in mass storage can hold 70,000,000 of the little blighters,
    (30,000,000 more than IBM can). Now calculate how many ants are needed to
    fill the great pyramid of Giza.

    FILL IN THIS COUPON NOW.

    ______________________________________________________________________
    | |
    | TO: COMPAQ Computer Ltd., Freepost, Richmond, Surrey, TW91BR. |
    | I understand that COMPAQ computers run IBM software 30% faster, are |
    | more powerful with more storage, a unique tape backup system and dual|
    | mode monitor, but frankly I can't believe COMPAQ's are this good, |
    | otherwise why isn't everyone using them except come to think of it |
    | COMPAQ is already No. 2 in the States but then the Yanks are a funny |
    | bunch I mean they eat raw steak for breakfast and they've all got |
    | absurd names like Chuck and Waldo of course everyone's always |
    | knocking America but where would we be without the Harvey Wallbanger |
    | so rush me more details of your marvelous computers. |
    | |
    | Name _______________________________________________________________ |
    | Company_____________________________________________________________ |
    | Inside Leg_________________ Favourite Singer_______________________ |
    | Address_____________________________________________________________ |
    | |
    | AMAZING FREE OFFER. We'll give you a COMPAQ DESKPRO 286 ABSOLUTELY |
    | FREE when you give us 3,694.99 pounds. |
    | |
    | ( ) tick here for FREE death watch beetle. |
    |______________________________________________________________________|

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN ON THE COMPUTER TOO LONG WHEN...

    ...when asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

    ...when you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".

    ...you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.

    ...your wife says "If you don't turn off that damn machine and come to bed,
    then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the
    "else" clause.

    ...you try to sleep, and think:
    sleep(8 * 3600); /* sleep for 8 hours /

    ...you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to the next
    page.

    ...after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and
    start dialing an IP number...

    ...you get in the elevator and double-click the button for the floor you
    want.

    ...not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but
    you remember your network address faster than your postal one.

    ...you look for a icon to double-click to open your bedroom window.

    ...you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math
    in octal.

    ...you look for a trash can icon for throwing garbage.

    To understand recursion, we must first understand recursion.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    50 WAYS TO CONFUSE, WORRY, OR JUST SCARE THE BEJEEZUS OUT OF PEOPLE IN THE
    COMPUTER LAB

    1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream
    "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.

    2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look
    suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

    3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that
    you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5
    minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a good half hour.

    4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you
    evilly.

    5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different
    screen than the one it's set up with.

    6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the
    highest volume possible over and over again.

    7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something
    on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

    8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret
    Pentagon files.

    9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.

    10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

    11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say
    "Just in case..." mysteriously.

    12. Type on the computer for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes
    at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.

    13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're
    crazy while typing.

    14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.

    15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone
    agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."

    16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray
    "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.

    17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"

    18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps
    if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).

    19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by
    hitting the keys with the straw.

    20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion
    Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.

    21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your
    monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly
    that women (men) are worthless.

    22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when it
    doesn't work, get the supervisor.

    23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the
    smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.

    24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done
    (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

    25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing
    this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.

    26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to
    you. Grind some more. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the
    person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far
    more effective to let them linger.

    27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut
    them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.

    28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your
    desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

    29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place
    them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them
    around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of
    cotton on plastic.

    30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like
    this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working
    conditions.

    31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and
    continue working.

    32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.

    33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B
    key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write
    an entire paper this way.

    34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.

    35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me,
    mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.

    36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

    37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the
    old ways are best.

    38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.

    39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you
    see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill
    isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete
    key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does
    *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar
    on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your
    neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been
    hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!"
    Print out your document and leave.

    40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and
    complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some
    Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is
    drooling.)

    41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst
    out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your
    stuff and leave, howling as you go.

    42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate
    hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap
    back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" Peek up from under the table, walk back to
    the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to
    type again.

    43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

    44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them
    like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to
    figure out you're a total stranger.

    45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects.
    Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.

    46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead
    doesn't work.

    47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of
    flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh
    happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this
    after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard.
    Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.

    48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly
    sit down and begin to type.

    49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw,
    rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me
    that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".

    50. Two words: Tesla Coil.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    I'm not entirely sure I want to claim credit for this, but I did write it,
    so what the hell.

    --Tina Mancuso (tmancuso@drew.edu)

    Top ten reasons why computers are better than boy/girlfriends:

    10. You can turn them off when you're done with them.
    9. They never say, "You can't login tonight, I have a headache."
    8. You can tell them anything, and they will always listen.
    7. You can program them to give you the answers you want to hear.
    6. They are never too tired.
    5. If you come home at 3am, they don't ask where you've been.
    4. They don't hog the bed and steal all the covers.
    3. They don't eat (unless you count disks).
    2. They remember everything you want them to remember, and forget
    everything you want them to forget.
    1. They never complain that you don't take them anywhere.

    Top ten reasons why boyfriends/girlfriends are better than computers:

    10. You don't need a password to get in.
    9. They won't shut down if there's a power outage.
    8. It's difficult to take a computer to bed.
    7. The Aide Station never gets calls asking for advice on someone's love
    life.
    6. A computer won't laugh at your jokes.
    5. You might get a few strange looks if you bring a computer to a drive-in
    movie. (Do they still HAVE those?)
    4. When you use bad grammar on a computer, you get all sorts of nasty
    messages (Note: this could also hold true for boy/girl- friends if one
    happens to be an English major, but not generally).
    3. Computers don't give back-rubs.
    2. You can't put your freezing feet on a computer's leg to warm them up.
    [Well, you could, but: 1) they wouldn't get very warm, and 2) you wouldn't
    have the pleasure of hearing the computer shriek].
    1. You can't have sex with a computer. [Again, I suppose you could, but it
    might be dangerous...]
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Subject: [comp.sys.mac.misc,...] COMPUTER MODEL NAMES WE'LL NEVER SEE
    Date: 2 Aug 1995 00:21:07 -0400
    From: dsf3g@faraday.clas.Virginia.EDU (David Salvador Flores)

    JFR wrote:
    ><> Not even taking into account the fact that "viri" is not the recognised

    [deletia]
    >That virii thing sounds like a new mac model (the virii 130LC ?).

    Geez, I sure hope Apple desn't hire you to do marketing. Can you imagine a
    worse name for a computer than the "Apple Virus 130LC."

    Here are a few I've tried to come up with:

    * The DEC Dataloss 300SE
    * The Compaq Lockup 90
    * The Gateway HeavyWeight LC, Ultralite Notebok PC
    * The IBM HAL 9000
    * Il Olivetti Obsoletto DX
    * The Dell Why not just admit that you're blowing $3700 on this thing
    just to play _Navy Fighters_ in hi-res, Pentium LXI.*

    *included free with purchase: Broderbund's _Honey I can explain_, an
    exciting new CD ROM adventure game in which Gerry Gadget Freak tries to
    justify his newest computer purchase to his wife. Guide Gerry through many
    a spine tingling adventure as he tries to save his crumbling marriage. But
    hurry the clock's ticking!
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    From: IN%"ljohanne@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu" "Leila J Johannesen"
    23-MAY-1993 16:15:12.42
    Subj: tongue in cheek poem

    Dear Systers,

    Here's something I composed in a fit of idleness. (It was somewhat inspired
    by the M.G. affair.)

    Enjoy,
    LJ

    Macho Musings or `Some Men Just Don't Get It'

    Well, well, they've gone and hired someone new.
    And it's a ``she''! Why?--there weren't too few!
    Is she the new secretary or clerk?
    No?! She's a colleague with whom I must work!?

    Well then, I must pose the bold question: can she compute?
    Her degree says yes but frankly, I beg to dispute;
    They may have given it to her for being a maid,
    Or because of connections, or someone she (-er-) paid.

    It's up to me to put her in her place.
    Should I embarrass her, make her lose face?
    No, I'm too kind, I'll ask something facile--
    Something that no man would find a great hassle.

    ``Oh miss, yes you, please be a dear, and write me some code;
    It shouldn't take much of your time or be a great load.
    Basic will do; I take it you've used it before?
    You can't be doing much yet, so do me this chore.''

    ``Jane is the name, and I've got lots to do.''
    Then she smiles, and says, ``I've heard about you.
    Here, review this code and come back at four.''
    Then she asks me to leave and slams the door!

    Hysterical, I tell you, just like all the rest.
    But we're supposed to put up with them and do our best.
    Favors and special treatment is what she expects!
    What a ridiculous system to hire this sex!

    Now what is this bundle she's given me?
    It looks vaguely familiar, let me see...
    It's the old project I didn't complete--
    And she's actually accomplished this feat?!

    Yes, this is her work; how strange-- I feel rage
    as well as admiration for the sage.
    How long but yet elegant... this is art.
    I am Salieri, and she is Mozart.

    This is too much for my masculine brain to take--
    I sense her womanly aspect must be a fake!
    This means only one thing-- and only one it can,
    That deep down inside, this Jane-- is really a man!

    (Copyright 1993 Johannesen)
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    The Top 11 Signs Your Computer is Possessed

    11. Instead of flying appliances, your screen saver shows horned demons
    torturing your immediate family.

    10. The monitor spins and spews pea soup when you access the Vatican
    website.

    9. Bill Gates Screen Saver eyes follow your every move.

    8. Keeps throwing priests out of Windows.

    7. Hard disk crashes every time Pat Robertson e-mails you.

    6. Green slime oozing out of keyboard again and your kid hasn't used it in
    weeks.

    5. Tech support crew brings Norton Utilities and a crucifix.

    4. The little logo on it says: "Satan Inside."

    3. No matter what URL you type in, your browser opens up the www.hell.com
    web site.

    2. Dr. Watson replaced by Dr. Kervorkian.

    and the Number 1 Sign Your Computer is Possessed...

    1. Contrary to the startup screen, you're fairly certain Microsoft hasn't
    released Windows666 yet.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    25 Ways To Confuse Your Professors:

    1. Brush your teeth during class. While doing so, raise your hand as if you
    have a question, and mumble your question incoherantly while brushing,
    spewing toothpaste all over the place. If your professor objects to your
    actions, go on a tirade about proper oral hygiene.

    2. Sit way at the back of the room, up against the wall, to get as far away
    from your professor as possible. While he/she is lecturing, shout out
    things like, "What!?" and "Speak up! You're mumbling!" If your professor
    advises you to sit closer to the front, tell him/her you can't because
    you're scouting the room for "assassins."

    3. If you have an early morning class, get there before anyone else, and
    bring a pillow, some blankets, an air mattress, and an alarm clock. Wear
    your pajamas. Lie down on the air mattress with the pillow and the blankets
    and act like you're asleep. Have the alarm set for about two minutes into
    class. When it goes off, preferably very loudly, hit the "snooze" button
    and go back to sleep. Keep doing so for the duration of the class.

    4. Dispute everything your professor says, no matter how simple. Try to get
    him/her to "prove" everything to you. Rant and rave about what a big liar
    your professor is. Yell at students who are taking notes, saying, "Stop
    writing down all these lies!"

    5. Show up to class about ten minutes late. Ride into the room on a
    bicycle, yell, "Look out!", and crash into the blackboard. Get up, take a
    seat, and act like nothing happened. Do this every day.

    6. Keep "accidentally" setting fires at your desk. Burn notebooks, papers,
    or whatever you have handy. Whenever you start a fire, no matter how small
    it is, start yelling, "Fire! Fire!" and run out of the room in a panic.
    Don't return for the rest of class.

    7. Hide somewhere inside the classroom. Wait for your professor to take
    attendance. Don't come out when he/she calls your name. Halfway through
    class, jump out and yell, "Just kidding! I'm here! Fooled you again!" Sit
    down and be quiet for the rest of class.

    8. Wrap yourself in bandages and come to class in a wheelchair. Throughout
    class, cry a lot and moan things like, "Why me?" and "Please kill me!" Get
    up during class, like your going to miraculously start walking. Instead,
    fall down, cry out in pain, and wait for someone to help you back up. When
    class is over, say, "I feel better now," leap up, and run home.

    9. Come to class with a jar full of angry hornets. Five minutes into class,
    release the hornets, scream, and run away.

    10. Bring a vacuum to class. Halfway through class, stand up and start
    using it. If your professor objects, explain that you "can't stand sitting
    in this pigsty any longer." Keep vacuuming, grumbling angrily.

    11. Bring a small cactus to class with you. Raise your hand, and when
    you're called on, say that the cactus has a question. Turn and look at the
    cactus, as if you're waiting for it to say something. After a few moments,
    shrug, and wait for your professor to move on. Do this once a day, and
    become increasingly irritated with the cactus every time, sighing heavily
    and giving it evil looks when it fails to "speak." When you leave the room
    after class, start yelling at the cactus, "I can't believe you embarrassed
    me AGAIN...."

    12. Every time your professor stutters, do a shot. If he/she objects,
    explain that drinking games make the class more interesting.

    13. When your professor gives you a syllabus, take it home, correct it,
    give it a grade, and return it to the professor. Demand extra credit.

    14. Come to class every day wearing scary Halloween masks. Try to get your
    professor to guess who you are. Shoot him/her with a water pistol, scream,
    and run around the room knocking things over. Say, "Pretty scary, huh?"

    15. Get the whole class to show up a few minutes early, and throw a
    surprise party for your professor. Insist that you can't start class until
    he/she has a piece of cake. Keep asking people when the strippers are going
    to arrive.

    16. Instead of taking notes, do an abstract painting during every class.
    Call the paintings things like, "Professor Acting Like Mr. Know-It-All" or
    "Idiot Who Doesn't Know What The Hell He's Talking About." Give the
    paintings to your professor as gifts.

    17. Wait for your professor to mention a date, and then yell out, "Bingo!"
    Apologize, and explain that you got confused.

    18. Carve a bust of your professor out of cheese. Tie a ribbon around it,
    and present it to him/her at the beginning of class. Demand extra credit.

    19. Write your professor a note that says, "I'm going to be about 15
    minutes late. Go ahead and start without me." Wait outside the building
    until the time when class is supposed to begin. Tie the note to a rock, and
    throw it through the window.

    20. Write down everything that your professor says, word for word. Think up
    a melody, and turn the words into a song. Bring a guitar to class and
    perform the song for the class. Explain to your professor that he/she is
    "very inspiring."

    21. Get a monkey, and bring it to class with you. Tell your professor that
    you've hired the monkey to take notes for you. Sit back and relax during
    class, letting the monkey scribble on a piece of paper. When it comes time
    to write a paper or take a test, write down things like, "I wish I had a
    banana" and "I miss my tire swing." Assuming you get a bad grade, angrily
    fire the monkey in front of your professor.

    22. When you have to write a paper, get it done early and mail it to your
    professor's house. From then on, don't hand anything in, and blame it on
    the sluggishness of the U.S. Postal Service.

    23. Tell your professor that you'd like to interview him/her for a writing
    class. Get him/her to tell you his/her life story. Act interested, and
    write down everything he/she says. Fabricate a few romantic interludes and
    turn your efforts into a trashy romance novel. Make copies for the entire
    class, and your professor. Demand extra credit.

    24. Draw hearts and flowers on the backs of your papers and tests. Next to
    them, write things like, "You're the best, even though you suck" and
    "You're the worst professor in the world, but I still love you."

    25. Start asking questions in a fake foreign language. Act like your
    professor is stupid for not being able to understand you. Get other people
    in the class to start speaking the fake language too, and have frequent
    discussions during class. Act like you're really interested in what you're
    discussing. If your professor tries to interrupt or stop you, act annoyed
    and motion for him/her to quiet down.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Newsgroups: bit.listserv.nuts
    Subject: Courtroom bloopers...
    From: BOB POOL (radapool@UBE.UB.UMD.EDU)
    Date: Tue, 8 Sep 1992 11:23:36 EDT

    Disorder in the Court: a Collection of 'Transquips'

    by Richard Lederer

    Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are uttered,
    vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with language spoken
    during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of courtroom reporters
    whose job it is to take down and preserve every statement made during the
    proceedings.

    Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand Reporter
    has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books -
    Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court, published a few
    months ago. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are some of my favorite
    transquips, all recorded by America's keepers of the word:

    Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
    A. Borofkin.
    Q. What's his first name?
    A. I can't remember.
    Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his
    first name?
    A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and
    pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first
    name!

    Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
    A. I refuse to answer that question.
    Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
    A. I refuse to answer that question.
    Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
    A. No.

    Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
    A. By death.
    Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

    Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
    A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

    Q. What is your name?
    A. Ernestine McDowell.
    Q. And what is your marital status?
    A. Fair.

    Q. Are you married?
    A. No, I'm divorced.
    Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
    A. A lot of things I didn't know about.

    Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
    A. My ex-widow said it.

    Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
    A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr.
    Cherney, and said he was really good.

    Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
    A. I will be three months November 8th.
    Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
    A. Yes.
    Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?

    Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
    A. I should be.
    Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
    A. Four times.

    Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

    Q. Were you acquainted with the defendant?
    A. Yes, sir.
    Q. Before or after he died?

    Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
    A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
    Q. What happened then?
    A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
    Q. Did he kill you?
    A. No.

    Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition
    notice which I sent to your attorney?
    A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

    THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
    information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.

    Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
    A. No.
    Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
    A. Picking them up in the air.
    Q. Where was the dog at this time?
    A. Attached to the ears.

    Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able,
    for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone
    also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the
    station?
    MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

    Before we recess, let's listen to one last exchange involving a child:

    Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do
    you go to?
    A. Oral.
    Q. How old are you?
    A. Oral.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    More courtroom funnies:

    Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
    A: She is my daughter.
    Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

    Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
    A: I could see his head.
    Q: And where was his head?
    A: Just above his shoulders.

    Q: You say you're innocent, yet five people swore they saw you steal a
    watch.
    A: Your Honor, I can produce 500 people who didn't see me steal it.

    Q: At the time you first saw Dr. McCarty, had you ever seen him prior to
    that time?

    JUDGE: I rarely do so, but for whatever purpose it may serve, I will
    indicate for the record that I approached this case with a completely open
    mind.

    Q: Did the lady standing the driveway subsequently identify herself to you?
    A: Yes, she did.
    Q: Who did she say she was?
    A: She said she was the owner of the dog's wife.

    Q: I understand you're Bernie Davis's mother.
    A: Yes.
    Q: How long have you known him?

    Q: Now, I'm going to show you what has been marked as State's Exhibit No. 2
    and ask if you recognize the picture?
    A: John Fletcher.
    Q: That's you?
    A: Yes, sir.
    Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

    Q: Please state the location of your right foot immediately prior to
    impact.
    A: Immediately before the impact, my right foot was located at the
    immediate end of my right leg.

    > Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

    Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most
    cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until
    the next morning?

    Q: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

    Q: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

    Q: Were you alone or by yourself?

    Q: How long have you been a French Canadian?

    Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

    Q: So you were gone until you returned?

    A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid
    question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the
    next question."

    Q: She had three children, right?
    A: Yes
    Q: How many were boys?
    A: None
    Q: Were there girls?

    Q: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but
    can you describe it?

    Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

    Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
    A: Not yet.

    Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr.
    Edington at the Rose Chapel?
    A: It was in the evening. the autopsy started about 8:30 pm.
    Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
    A: No, you stupid [jerk], he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
    doing an autopsy!
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    [Editor's Note: This is a different list of courtroom humor than the one in
    "Disorder in the Court" by Richard Lederer, which has been going around the
    net for a while. The other list can be found in the "True" section of my
    main humor page, http://www.castle.net/~tina/fun.html.]

    Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
    From: shipbrk@gate.net (Jeff Lee)
    Subject: Humor in Lawsuits (long)

    I work in a court reporting office; in addition to my normal
    computer-related duties, I also proofread deposition transcripts during
    busy times.

    I've built up a pretty long list of humorous things that occasionally
    occur; unintentional (or intentional) double-entendres, witnesses (and
    lawyers) not paying attention to what they're really saying, and so forth.

    Here are some of the better ones that I (and some others in the office)
    have run across.

    *** Names have been changed to protect all parties. ***

    Q: I hate to be nosy, but how old are you?
    A: Forty-three. That's okay. You're nosy enough. You might as well put that
    in.

    Q: Did she appear to be in any pain? In other words, just looking at her,
    did she look like she was hurting?
    A: She's so ugly it looks like she hurts all the time.

    ATTORNEY: I object to that as being a question impossible to answer;
    outside this person's expertise; and I don't know what it means.

    DEF ATT: I object to that as being an improper question and this man cannot
    answer the question.
    PLTF ATT: Go sit on it.

    Q: What happened in that accident?
    A: I was going around the corner and it was wet and rainy outside, and I
    kind of slid down an embankment and went into some bushes.
    Q: Were the police called out to that?
    A: A state trooper came out. And he gave me a careless driving ticket
    because he told me he had to give me a ticket. I didn't fight it, because
    it was my word against the bushes, I guess you could say.

    THE WITNESS: The relevant question here is --
    ATTORNEY 1: Well, why don't you let her ask a question?
    ATTORNEY 2: Let her ask --
    THE WITNESS: I thought you did. Okay.
    ATTORNEY 3: I thought I did, too.
    ATTORNEY 1: Well, I don't know what it is.
    ATTORNEY 3: The witness does, and I do.
    THE WITNESS: What's your question?

    Q: Dr. Smith, how are you --
    A: Just fine.
    Q: Pardon?
    A: Just fine. I'm ready to go.
    Q: Okay. Great. How are you employed?

    A: You've got to figure I'm a pretty conservative lady. This is the first
    concert I had ever been to.
    Q: Of any kind?
    A: Well, I take that back. I went to Jerry Lee Lewis when I was 16 years
    old.
    Q: There was no shooting at that concert, was there?
    A: No. A whole lot of shaking going on, but no shooting.

    Q: What was your attorney's name?
    A: It was John Smith, right here in Tampa.
    LAWYER 1: Right out the window.
    THE WITNESS: Right. So what I'm getting --
    LAWYER 2: Let the record be clear that Mr. Smith is not hanging out the
    window.
    THE WITNESS: I don't know. Knowing John, he could be.

    Q: Is that the only license you hold?
    A: I have a marriage license.
    Q: You're not a realtor or a plumber or anything else like that?
    A: No. They don't require a license to have children, which they should.

    A: Well, I have never heard of anything like that, but I suppose any help
    at the time would have been a help.

    Q: And the serratus anterior nerve that -- or the nerves that go to it,
    where do they come from?
    A: The neck, the cervical region.
    Q: From the cervical region?
    A: Yes.
    Q: And did you do any examination of his cervical -- of his cervix -- to
    determine if there was any problem with his nerves going through his neck?
    A: He doesn't have a cervix, but, yes, I examined the biceps.

    Q: How long have you been married to her?
    A: Nineteen years.
    Q: Is that your only marriage?
    A: Yes, it is, that I know of.

    Q: Do you recall discussing with John Smith that if you were in a
    deposition or anything like that and you don't want to give the right
    answer, all you have to say is, "I don't know. I don't recall"?
    A: No. I don't remember.

    Q: No one went with you from Foobar to assist you. Correct?
    A: It seems to me -- not from Foobar. Like I said, it was a long time ago.
    I mean, my memory is as short as my peter.

    A: Obsessive-compulsive symptoms: Sometimes checks his own activities.
    Suicidal and homicidal ideations: Sometimes he has suicidal ideations
    regarding his car or truck every couple of days, particularly following
    contact with his attorney.

    Q: Do you recall if you had any alcohol or anything to drink prior to the
    concert?
    A: Yes, I did.
    Q: What did you have, if you remember?
    A: I think I had a Fuzzy Navel.
    Q: You ought to have a doctor look at that. Just kidding.

    Q: Do you consider him to be competent in that area?
    A: I don't know. I don't have any basis to remark about the competency of
    his engineering. I do know he's dead.

    A: There are very few production places in North Dakota.
    ATTORNEY: Generally speaking, there are very few places in North Dakota.

    Q: And where does sandblasting fit in your scale of being a prestigious
    job? Do you think that's a prestigious job?
    A: Yes, sir.
    Q: Okay. More so than working in a factory, I guess.
    A: Yes, sir.
    Q: Everybody's entitled to their opinion, I guess. I don't know. Maybe
    you're right.
    MR. JONES: Ranks above lawyers.
    MR. SMITH: Yeah, I bet.
    MR. JONES: Because everybody does that.
    MR. SMITH: Yeah.

    MR. SMITH: If I could just have a one-minute break sometime, whenever you
    feel you're --
    MR. JONES: This is a good time.
    (Recess from 2:41 p.m. to 3:03 p.m.)

    Q: Do you have any reason to believe that the decision to have Mr. Jones,
    Mr. Brown and yourself work on Foobar products to the exclusion of the EMS
    products listed in group 3 and 4 of Exhibit -- of the December 5 chart was
    made or --
    MR. SMITH: Can you read that back, and maybe I can try and figure out what
    I wanted to ask.

    Q: Oh, okay. So you had a conversation with Mr. Smith about the SeaTower at
    some point --
    A: Yes.
    Q: -- prior to his death?

    Q: And what is it about that particular night that you recall that you
    didn't eat at the Holiday Inn?
    A: What is it that I remember that I didn't eat?

    Q: What was Linda drinking, if anything?
    A: She was drinking one of them -- one of them lady drinks. I don't know
    what it was.
    Q: She had about the same as you?
    A: No. Huh-uh. She doesn't drink much. She'll just have one drink, and
    she'll suck on it all night long.

    Q: Next time you saw him?
    A: August 12, 1991. Checked tonsils -- no, I'm sorry, checked testicle.
    Must be mother asking. But I didn't find anything wrong with testicle. On
    the contrary, I noticed there was an ear problem.

    Q: And Detroit Murphy -- what is that? Is that a school or --
    A: It's Mercy, not Murphy.
    Q: Oh, Mercy?
    A: I'm sorry. Yeah, Mercy.
    Q: Oh, I'm sorry. Mercy.
    A: Yeah, Detroit Mercy is a college, and they do it like through the Jesuit
    priests program. They do things with young boys.

    MR. SMITH: Let me ask you, sir, to identify what I am going to have marked
    as Defendant's Exhibit No. 1.
    MR. JONES: Okay.
    (Exhibit No. 1 marked for identification.)
    A: He has nice big ones.
    MR. JONES: I have got the same ones, and I had them blown.

    Q: Could you please, in your own words, desribe where you're touching on
    your body?
    A: Right here.
    Q: All right. Now, where is "right here"?
    A: Right here.
    Q: Is that your leg?
    A: No, sir. My leg is here. That's my stomach. I got two stomachs right
    here. But he was --
    Q: All right. You have two stomachs.

    Q: Why do you handle the family finances?
    A: Because my mom and sister ain't that bright.

    Q: Did you notice any differences in the plaintiff during the fishing trip
    after the accident and the times you had been with him before?
    A: Yes.
    Q: Can you tell the jury about that? A: After a long period of time holding
    his rod, you could see he had to sit down for a period of time.

    Q: How far apart are the rungs on the ladder?
    A: They're usually about 12 inches to a foot.

    Q: What did you do for Johnson & Sons Formal Wear?
    A: I was a presser.
    Q: Who was your boss there?
    A: I forget his name. He's the owner.
    MR. SMITH: Johnson.
    A: Yeah. It's a father-and-son operation.

    Q: You don't have any intention of dismissing Jane Smith anytime soon, do
    you?
    A: No. Sometimes I wish I could eat her, and other times you want to hug
    her up and kiss her nose.

    A: Mr. Jones and I had had a disagreement, the exact nature of which I
    don't remember, but it was over some aspect of my work that he wanted me to
    perform in a manner different than, I guess, I was performing it. And Mr.
    Jones's -- excuse my language coming up -- Mr. Jones said, "If you fuck
    with me, I'll kill you."
    Q: When he said, "If you fuck with me, I'll kill you," how did you
    interpret that?

    Q: Has anybody else ever threatened to kill you?
    A: No. Somebody put a gun to my neck once, but I don't think he threatened
    to use it.
    Q: Was that in an employment contact or not?
    A: No. It was a social contact.

    Q: Is there a difference between a reconditioned and rebuilt piece of
    equipment in your mind, if you have one?

    Q: So the first thing that you heard was the one that you overheard with
    Mr. Jones stating that he didn't want any women in his department. And then
    second time when you were in this exact conversation would have been after
    the first time?

    Q: Have you tried any type of rehabilitation or work retraining?
    A: No. No, sir.
    Q: Why not?
    A: Because I ain't too bright.

    Q: And, Doctor, are you a member of the profession? Correct?
    A: What profession?
    Q: The medical profession.
    A: Oh, yes, sir.
    Q: And what profession are you a member of?
    A: The medical profession.

    Q: I would like you to turn to the next page, dated June 9, 1993.
    A: Yes.
    Q: Do you recall this incident occurring?
    A: Yes. The night before that I had eaten at Beachcomber's Restaurant. And
    I had crab. And I had vomited in the --
    Q: I assure you on this question a simple "Yes" or "No" will do.

    Q: Anything else you like to do a lot?
    A: Look out the window.
    Q: Have you got a good view?
    A: No.
    Q: You just like to look out there?
    A: Yeah.
    Q: What can you see from your window?
    A: The apartments in front of us.
    Q: I guess there's usually a lot of activity out there.
    A: Not no more.
    Q: How come?
    A: The drug dealer moved away.

    Q: Okay. Did it become a shouting match at any time?
    A: Uh-huh.
    Q: It did?
    A: A big one.
    Q: And what was the net result?
    A: I left, was the result. I left. I basically told him that I didn't care
    how big his dick was.
    Q: How did that comment come up?
    A: It just came out.
    Q: Okay. Why did you make that comment? Does he talk about, you know, his
    penis a lot?
    A: Yeah, he always talks about his penis. He thinks it's the greatest thing
    that ever walked on earth.

    Q: And what was the reason given to you for the fact you were let go?
    A: The reason given to me was garnishing a knife and arguing with the
    supervisor.

    Q: Is the south boundary of the north half of the southeast quarter of the
    northwest quarter the same line as the north boundary of the south half of
    the southeast quarter of the northwest quarter?

    Q: Do you currently have normal bowel movements?
    A: No.
    Q: In what way have they changed?
    A: I have a lot more gas that I -- I fart a lot more; and when I do,
    they're much stronger than the normal person. Isn't that true, Jane? I know
    it's not funny, but it's true.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    [email]

    COW

    EDITOR'S NOTE: Around 1988-1992, there used to be a whole slew of "animal"
    accounts on Drew's academic computer systems. Since Drew's user ID
    convention is first initial + last name, the "animals" were given names
    like "Mike Oose" (MOOSE), "Walter Ombat" (WOMBAT), "Paul Latypus"
    (PLATYPUS), etc. This poem was written to one of these animals, whose
    account was, of course, "COW".

    An Ode to Cathy Ow

    by Karl Lohner

    That Cathy Ow. That Cathy Ow
    I do not like that Cathy Ow

    "Do you like green milk and steak?"

    I do not like green milk and steak
    I do not like them, Cathy Ow
    That type of food I don't allow.

    "Would you like them by a lake?
    Would you like them in a cake?"

    I would not, could not, by a lake
    I could not, would not, in a cake
    I do not like them, Cathy Ow
    I do not like them anyhow.

    "Would you could you with an abacus?
    Would you could you with Paul Latypus?"

    I'd never ever with an abacus
    I'd never ever with the platypus
    Not by a lake or in a cake
    Not with a fork or with a rake
    I do not like them, Cathy Ow
    Where'd you get them? You're a cow.

    "But I'm the type who wants to know
    If you'll eat them. Yes or no?
    Would you could you with a moose?
    Would you could you with a goose?"

    I would not could not with a moose
    I could not would not with a goose
    Not by the lake or with an abacus
    Not in a cake or with Paul Latypus
    I do not like green milk and steak
    Now go away, you bovine flake!

    "Now Karl dear, don't call me names
    I'm tired of all your silly games
    If you'll try them you will see
    How good and tasty they will be
    Try them, try them, I have them here
    Try them, try them, Karl dear."

    Okay I'll try them, Oh cow of kine
    Would thou be quiet whilst I dine?

    (mrfl mrvfl slurp slurp
    mrfl mrvfl hic burrp)

    Say... This green milk is not that bad
    This steak's the best I've ever had
    You were right then, that's no bull
    Green milk and steak are wonderful
    And I would eat them with a moose
    And I could eat them with a goose
    I'd count the steaks by abacus
    And I'd eat them with Paul Latypus
    Ow, let's have green milk and steak
    On a picnic table by the lake
    And the next day we could bake
    Green milk and steak into a cake
    Oh how I love them, Cathy Ow
    For breakfast, no more eggs and sow.
    Come Cathy dear, enjoy we will
    Gee I hope you're on the pill.

    (just kidding.)
    (Mooooooooooo.)
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
    From: ms0p+@andrew.cmu.edu (Michael Gordon Shapiro)
    Date: 2 Apr 91 11:30:03 GMT
    Keywords: computer, smirk

    (Left on the blackboard by students in a Real-Time Systems course)

    How to program in "C"

    1] Use lots of global variables.
    2] Give them cryptic names such as: X27, a_gcl, or Horace.
    3] Put everything in one large .h file.
    4] Implement the entire project at once.
    5] Use macros and #defines to emulate Pascal.
    6] Assume the compiler takes care of all the little details you didn't
    quite understand.

    "It's 5:50 a.m., Do you know where your stack pointer is?"

    [ No, and my program doesn't, either! ]

    How to debug a "C" program.

    1] If at all possible, don't. Let someone else do it.
    2] Change majors.
    3] Insert/remove blank lines at random spots, re-compile, and excecute.
    4] Throw holy water on the terminal.
    5] Dial 911 and scream.
    6] There is rumour that "printf" is useful, but this is probably unfounded.
    7] Port everything to CP/M.
    8] If it still doesn't work, re-write it in assembler. This won't fix the
    bug, but it will make sure no one else finds it and makes you look bad.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    The recent submission of "How to program in C" left out some very important
    rules.

    I have come up with the following list of additional rules in order to give
    the serious student some aid and the professional a refresher.

    How to program in 'C' - addendum

    1] Rewrite standard functions and give them your own obscure names.
    2] Use obscure, proprietary, non-portable, compiled library packages so
    that you never have to move from the platform you love so well.
    3] Use very descriptive comments like /* printf("Hello world\n"); */ before
    each function call.
    4] REMEMBER - Carriage returns are for weenies. Tabs are for those who have
    not reached weenie-dom yet.
    5] Include LOTS of inline assembly code.
    6] "User Interfaces" are for morons. "Users" have no business interfacing
    with a professional product like yours.
    7] If you are forced to comment your code (in English), then borrow
    comments from somebody else's code and sprinkle them throughout yours. It's
    quick, easy, and fun to watch people's expressions as they try to figure it
    out.
    8] Remember to define as many pre-processor symbols as possible in terms of
    already defined symbols. This is considered 'efficient use of code'.

    How to debug a 'C' program - addendum

    1] Since you got it to compile, the problem must be in the Other Guys Code.
    2] If it's all your code then the problem MUST be in those unreliable
    Standard Libraries. See '1.' in the previous section.
    3] Claim the bug reports are viscious lies meant to tarnish your sterling
    reputation as a 'C' programmer (well aren't they?). After all, those who
    wrote the reports couldn't even read your code. How could they possibly
    know if there was a bug or not?
    3.a] If they could read your code, review "How to program in 'C'", above.
    4] Claim that there wouldn't be a problem if this stingy
    Company/School/Wife/etc would spring for a copy of C++.

    If you still have a Job/Degree objective/Wife/Mind/etc after utilizing the
    above rules then you simply aren't trying hard enough.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    The Top 16 Signs Your Cat has a Personality Disorder

    16. Couldn't muster up sufficient disdain if all nine lives depended on it!

    15. You've repeatedly found him in the closed garage, hunched over the
    wheel of your running Buick.

    14. Sits for hours in fascination while listening to Bob Dole.

    13. Teeth and claw marks all over your now-empty bottles of Prozac.

    12. No longer licks paws clean, but washes them at the sink again and again
    and again...

    11. Continually scratches on the door to get in... the OVEN door.

    10. Doesn't get Garfield, but laughs like hell at Marmaduke.

    9. Rides in your car with its head out the window.

    8. She's a dues-paid, card-carrying member of the Reform Party.

    7. You realize one day that the urine stains on the carpet actually form
    the letters N-E-E-D T-H-E-R-A-P-Y.

    6. Has built a shrine to Andrew Lloyd Webber entirely out of empty "9
    Lives" cans.

    5. Spends all day in litterbox separating the green chlorophyll granules
    from the plain white ones.

    4. After years of NPR, Tabby is suddenly a Ditto-Puss.

    3. Sullen and overweight, your sunglass-wearing cat shoots the TV with a
    .45 Magnum when it sees cartoon depictions of stupid or lazy felines.

    2. Your stereo is missing, and in the corner you find a pawn ticket and 2
    kilos of catnip.

    and the Number 1 Sign Your Cat has a Personality Disorder...

    1. Makes an attempt on "First Cat" Sock's life in a pathetic attempt to
    impress Jodie Foster.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    IN THE BEGINNING

    [author unknown]

    In the beginning there was the computer. And God said

    %Let there be light!

    #Enter user id.

    %God

    #Enter password.

    %Omniscient

    #Password incorrect. Try again.

    %Omnipotent

    #Password incorrect. Try again.

    %Technocrat

    #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
    %Let there be light!

    #Unrecognizable command. Try again.
    %Create light

    #Done

    %Run heaven and earth

    #And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
    #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
    #Approx. funds remaining: $92.50.

    #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
    %Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
    #Unrecognizable command. Try again.
    %Create firmament

    #Done.

    %Run firmament

    #And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
    #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
    #Approx. funds remaining: $84.60.

    #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
    %Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let
    the dry land appear and

    #Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
    %Create dry_land

    #Done.

    %Run firmament

    #And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
    #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
    #Approx. funds remaining: $65.00.

    #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
    %Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
    #Unspecified type. Try again.

    %Create sun_moon_stars

    #Done

    %Run sun_moon_stars

    #And God created the heavens. And God saw there were 0 errors.
    #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
    #Approx. funds remaining: $54.00.

    #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
    %Create fish

    #Done

    %Create fowl

    #Done

    %Run fish, fowl

    #And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that
    creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl
    after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.

    #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
    #Approx. funds remaining: $45.00.

    #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
    %Create cattle

    #Done

    %Create creepy_things

    #Done

    %Now let us make man in our image

    #Unspecified type. Try again.

    %Create man

    #Done

    %Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have
    dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over
    every living thing that creepeth upon the earth

    #Too many command operands. Try again.
    %Run multiplication

    #Execution terminated. 6 errors.

    %Insert breath

    #Done

    %Run multiplication

    #Execution terminated. 5 errors.

    %Move man to Garden of Eden

    #File Garden of Eden does not exist.

    %Create Garden.edn

    #Done

    %Move man to Garden.edn

    #Done

    %Run multiplication

    #Execution terminated. 4 errors.

    %Copy woman from man

    #Done

    %Run multiplication

    #Execution terminated. 3 errors.

    %Insert woman into man

    #Illegal parameters. Try again.

    %Insert man into woman

    #Done

    %Run multiplication

    #Execution terminated. 2 errors.

    %Create desire

    #Done

    %Run multiplication

    #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
    #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

    %Create freewill

    #Done

    %Run freewill

    #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
    #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

    %Undo desire

    #Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
    %Destroy freewill

    #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
    #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

    %Help

    #Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
    #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
    #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

    %Create tree_of_knowledge

    #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
    #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

    %Create good, evil

    #Done

    %Activate evil

    #And God saw he had created shame.
    #Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn.
    #1 errors.

    %Scan Garden.edn for man, woman

    #Search failed.

    %Delete shame

    #Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
    %Destroy freewill

    #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
    #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

    %Stop

    #Unrecognizable command. Try again
    %Break
    %Break
    %Break

    #ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS:
    COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE
    MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.

    %Create new world

    #You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files
    before new ones can be created.

    %Destroy earth

    #Destroy earth: Please confirm.

    %Destroy earth confirmed

    #COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT
    6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.

    #And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
    #Approx. funds remaining: $0.00.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    X-News: forest rec.humor.funny:3783
    From: RANMA@HACKS.Arizona.EDU (Ranma Saotome)
    Subject:Cup Holder with 4x oversampling
    Date: Thu, 13 Jun 96 4:30:02 EDT

    This was forwarded to me by my boss, who got it from a friend in Australia
    where it really happened...

    ---- cut here ----

    >From: lamaster@ziggy.econlab.Arizona.EDU (Shawn LaMaster)

    A friend of mine was on the phone with a tech rep from another company.
    That tech rep called in to ask some questions about system setup, as the
    company this tech works for actually sells, installs and warranties
    systems. While they were on the phone, this tech rep received an incoming
    call, which he took after. When the caller hung up, the tech rep came back
    on the phone, laughing like a crazy person. This is the call he took:

    Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

    Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

    Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty
    period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

    Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

    Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

    Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did
    you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get
    this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

    Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a
    promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

    At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't
    stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as
    a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.

    Epilogue: Someone followed up the above post to rec.humor.funny by pointing
    out that "4X" is the name of a popular Australian beer. Heh.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    From: Angeline Berg (angeline@NHCN.COM)
    Subject:JOKE-CLEAN: customer service in action... (fwd)
    Date: Sat, 20 Jan 1996 09:08:32 -0500

    From my hubby's humor list:

    An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being
    smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who
    probably deserved to fly as cargo.

    During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United
    flight was canceled.

    A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
    Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his
    ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it
    has to be FIRST CLASS."

    The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but
    I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work
    something out."

    The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers
    behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

    Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address
    microphone.

    "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing
    throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT
    KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to
    the gate."

    With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at
    the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "Fuck you."

    Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to
    stand in line for that, too."

    The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although
    the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no longer angry at
    United.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as
    "cybersex." Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through
    Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one
    of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat
    doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he
    does...

    Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

    Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I
    work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36.
    What do you look like?

    Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a
    pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a
    T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells
    funny.

    Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

    Wellhung: OK

    Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo
    and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes,
    smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle
    your huge, swelling bulge.

    Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

    Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

    Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

    Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

    Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

    Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off
    my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

    Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole
    in your blouse. I'm sorry.

    Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

    Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

    Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft
    breasts are rising and falling, as I breathe harder and harder.

    Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do
    you have any scissors?

    Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing
    the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breast. My
    nipples are erect for you.

    Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the
    clasp.

    Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue
    all over me.

    Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts.
    They're neat!

    Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your
    ear.

    Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breast are covered with spit and phlegm.

    Sweetheart: What?

    Wellhung: I'm so sorry; Really.

    Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my
    blouse.

    Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a
    plop.

    Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard
    tool.

    Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

    Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

    Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and
    out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.

    Sweetheart: What's the matter?

    Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

    Sweetheart: Are you OK?

    Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

    Sweetheart: Can I help?

    Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through
    the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

    Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

    Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

    Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

    Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

    Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.

    Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And
    now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the
    bedroom?

    Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

    Wellhung: I found it.

    Sweetheart: I'm tugging off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.

    Wellhung: Me too.

    Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies
    pressing each other.

    Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

    Sweetheart Why don't you take off your glasses?

    Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses
    on the night table.

    Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

    Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and
    toward the bathroom.

    Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

    Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the
    toilet. I lift the lid.

    Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

    Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I
    can't find it. Uh-oh!

    Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

    Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry
    again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

    Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

    Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you
    know...woman's thing.

    Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

    Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your
    neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

    Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it
    another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

    Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

    Sweetheart: What?

    Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

    Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my
    face.

    Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy.
    I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

    Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my
    underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

    Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm
    feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames
    and your candles.

    Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

    Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of your
    candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a
    shocked look on my face.

    Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

    Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

    Sweetheart: [logged off]
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    WHO CREATED UNIX? RITCHIE? THOMPSON? SAY, WHO IS THAT SMILING OVER THERE?

    COULD IT BE... SATAN?

    (Linda Branagan of Dallas writes):

    The following is a true story. Last week I walked into a local
    home-style-cookin'-restaurant/watering hole to pick up a take-out order. I
    spoke briefly to the waitress behind the counter, who told me my order
    would be done in a few minutes.

    So, while I was busy gazing at the farm implements hanging on the walls, I
    was approached by two... well, let's just call them `natives.' These guys
    might just be the original Texas rednecks - complete with ten-gallon hats,
    snakeskin boots and the pervasive odor of cheap beer and whiskey.

    "Pardon us, ma'am. Mind if we as you a question?"

    I nodded.

    "Are you a Satanist?"

    "Uh, no, I can't say that I am," I replied.

    "Gee ma'am. Are you sure about that?"

    I put on my biggest, brightest Dallas-Cowboys-cheerleader smile and said,
    "No, I'm positive. The closest I've ever come to Satanism is watching
    Geraldo."

    "Hmmm. Interesting. See, we was just wondering why it is you have the Lord
    of Darkness on your chest there."

    I was this close to slapping one of them and causing a scene. But I stopped
    and remembered which T-shirt I happened to be wearing that day.

    Sure enough, it had a picture of a small, devilish-looking creature that
    for quite some time now has been associated with a certain computer
    operating system.

    In this particular representation, the creature was wearing sneakers.

    "See, ma'am," one of them said, "we don't exactly appreciate it when people
    show off pictures of the Devil. Especially when he's lookin' so friendly."

    These idiots sounded terrifyingly serious.

    "Oh, well, see, this isn't really the devil," I assured them. "It's just,
    well, it's sort of a mascot."

    "And what kind of football team has the devil as a mascot?"

    "Oh, it's not a team," I said. "It's an operating - uh, a kind of
    computer."

    I figured that an ATM machine was about as much technology as these guys
    could handle, and I knew that if I so much as uttered the word "Unix" I
    would only make things worse.

    "Where does this Satanical computer come from?"

    "California. And there's nothing Satanical about it, really."

    Somewhere along the line here, the waitress noticed my predicament. But
    these guys probably outweighed her by 600 pounds, so all she did was look
    at me sympathetically and run off into the kitchen.

    "Ma'am, I think you're lying. And we'd appreciate it if you'd leave the
    premises now."

    Fortunately, the waitress returned that very instant with my order, and the
    natives agreed that it would be okay for me to actually pay for my food
    before I left. While I was at the cash register, they amused themselves by
    talking to each other.

    Native #1: "Do you think the police know about these devil computers?"

    Native #2: "If they come from California, then the FBI oughta know about
    'em."

    They escorted me to the door. I tried one last time.

    "You're really blowing this all out of proportion. A lot of people use this
    kind of computer. Universities, researchers, businesses. They're actually
    very useful."

    Big, big, BIG mistake. I should have guessed at what came next.

    "Does the government use these devil computers?" one of them asked.

    "Yes."

    "And does the government pay for 'em? With our tax dollars?"

    I decide that it was time to jump ship.

    "No. Nope. Not at all. Your tax dollars never enter the picture at all. I
    promise. No sir, not a penny. Our good Christian congressmen would never
    let something like that happen. Nope. Never." I added, "Um, bye."

    Texas. What a country.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    From: TMANCUSO@drunivac.drew.edu (Open Mouth, Insert Brain.)
    Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
    Subject: AI has nothing on Danny-boy.
    Keywords: smirk, true, politics
    Date: 8 Jun 93 23:30:03 GMT

    I know that our dearly beloved ex-vice president Dan Quayle is no longer in
    office, but I think this is still amusing enough to post.

    Last semester during a particularly boring class in Artificial
    Intelligence, I began looking through the index of the textbook (Paradigms
    of Artificial Intelligence Programming by Peter Norvig, copyright 1992 by
    Morgan Kaufmann Publishers). In the Q section, I came across this entry:

    Quayle, Dan, 735

    Completely mystified as to why Dan Quayle would be mentioned in my AI text,
    I turned to page 735. The topic on the page had to do with auxiliary verbs
    (the chapter was on creating an English grammar). Nowhere was Quayle's name
    mentioned on the page. Figuring that the entry was a mistake or something,
    I started to close the book when I noticed, about halfway down the page,
    three sentences which were intended to illustrate the three "senses" of the
    verb "be." The three sentences were:

    "He is a fool."
    "He is a Republican."
    "He is in Indiana."

    --Tina
    tmancuso@drunivac.drew.edu
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Bell Labs Proves Existence of Dark Suckers

    For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light. However,
    recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise. Electric bulbs
    don't emit light, they suck dark. Thus they now call these bulbs dark
    suckers. The dark sucker theory, according to a Bell Labs spokesperson,
    proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier than that of
    light, and that dark is faster than light.

    The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. Take
    for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are. There is less dark
    right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the dark sucker, the
    greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parking lot have a
    much greater capacity than the ones in this room. As with all things, dark
    suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer
    suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full dark sucker. A candle is a
    primitive dark sucker. lA new candle has a white wick. You will notice that
    after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark which
    has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an
    operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the path of the
    dark flowing into the candle.

    Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range.
    There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these can't handle all
    of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit. When
    the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before
    the portable dark sucker can operate again.

    Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this mass
    generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark sucker.
    Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel in the solid
    wick instead of through glass. This generates a great amount of heat. Thus
    it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle. Dark is also heavier
    than light. If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice it gets slowly darker
    and darker. When you reach a depth of approximately fifty feet, you are in
    total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the
    lake and the lighter light floats to the top. The immense power of dark can
    be utilized to mans advantage. We can collect the dark that has settled to
    the bottom of lakes and push it through turbines, which generate
    electricity and help push it to the ocean where it may be safely stored.
    Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to get dark from the rivers
    and lakes to the ocean. The Indians recognized this problem, and tried to
    solve it. When on a river in a canoe travelling in the same direction as
    the flow of the dark, they paddled slowly, so as not to stop the flow of
    dark, but when they traveled against the flow of dark, they paddled quickly
    so as to help push the dark along its way.

    Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand
    in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then slowly open
    the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet, but since
    the dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the
    closet.

    In conclusion, Bell Labs stated that dark suckers make all our lives much
    easier. So the next time you look at an electric bulb remember that it is
    indeed a dark sucker.

    Author Unknown
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    "What if Data (from "Star Trek, The Next Generation") were Microsoft
    Windows(tm) compatible?"

    WORF: Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking dead ahead.

    PICARD: On screen.

    The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines, each only
    a single pixel wide.

    PICARD: Data, what's wrong here?

    DATA: Captain, the main viewscreen does not have sufficient video memory to
    display an image of this size. May I suggest that you select a lower
    resolution?

    PICARD: Make it so.

    The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big, blocky square
    pixels. Three objects appear in the center, which could be Romulan
    warbirds, but which actually look more like the aliens in Space Invaders.

    PICARD: Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans.

    DATA: Aye, sir.

    Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it over, and
    places it on the console in front of him. He punches some buttons on the
    console and sits motionless for several seconds. A flash of light blossoms
    from one of the Romulan ships on the viewscreen.

    WORF: Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain!

    PICARD: Shields up!

    DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last
    instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue
    your next command.

    PICARD: What on earth do you mean? Data, this is important! I want those
    shields up right now.

    DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last
    instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue
    your next command.

    LAFORGE: Allow me, captain. [to Data] Control-alt-delete, Data.

    Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the floor.

    DATA: The Romulans are not responding to my hails. Press my nose to cancel
    and return to Windows. Pull my left ear to close this communications
    channel which is not responding. You will lose any information sent by the
    Romulans.

    LaForge pulls Data's left ear.

    PICARD: Shields...

    There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge shakes violently, and all the
    crew members are thrown to the floor. A shower of sparks erupts from Wesley
    Crusher's station at the helm, throwing Wesley back away from the console.

    PICARD: ...Up, Data!

    DATA: Aye, sir.

    RIKER: All decks, damage report!

    WORF: Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He appears to be unconscious.

    Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his console, and punches
    some more buttons. He waits a few seconds, then puts the hourglass back on
    the floor.

    DATA: Shields are now up, captain.

    PICARD: And not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all phasers on the lead
    Romulan ship.

    WORF: Aye, sir. He punches buttons on the weapons console.

    PICARD: Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for evasive action.

    DATA: I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the proper device driver installed
    for that console.

    PICARD: Well, damn it, install the right one.

    DATA: Please insert Setup Implant 1 in my right nostril.

    PICARD: Number One, where do we keep Data's setup implants?

    RIKER: I left them with Geordi.

    LAFORGE: [in a surprised voice] What!!? I thought you still had them!

    PICARD: Data, don't you have device drivers stored in your internal memory?

    DATA: Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant 1 in my right nostril.

    PICARD: Data, I don't have Setup Implant 1.

    DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?

    PICARD: Abort!

    DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?

    PICARD: Well, fail, then!

    DATA: Current nose is no longer valid.

    Data walks over to the helm, and presses several buttons. The ship lurches,
    the images of the Romulan warships suddenly shift to one side of the
    viewscreen, and a high-pitched whining noise is heard coming from somewhere
    else in the ship.

    LAFORGE: [alarmed] Data, what the hell are you doing?

    PICARD: Number One, do we have a customer service number for Data?

    RIKER: Yes sir, but last time I tried to call them, I got put on hold for
    two hours before I was able to talk to anyone. And that person wasn't
    knowledgeable about androids of Data's model. She specialized in industrial
    control robots.

    Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes blank, and all the
    usual noise of fans, motors, and so on whines to a halt. After a few
    seconds, the red emergency lights come on. Data is standing by the console,
    absolutely motionless.

    PICARD: What's going on?

    LAFORGE: [checking the helm console] Lieutenant Data has caused a General
    Protection Violation in the warp engine core.

    PICARD: These androids look really sharp, but you can't really do anything
    with them.

    The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans in full
    battle dress materialize on the bridge. A seventh figure, a Ferengi,
    appears moments later.

    FERENGI: [with a mercenary grin] Can I interest you in a Macintosh,
    Captain?
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    The following is a true story from the not-yet-formed archives of WMNJ
    88.9fm "The Voice of Drew University"

    THE 12-HOUR SAGA OF...DAVE

    by Carolyn Dascher

    During the school year, WMNJ is not able to be on the air 24 hours a day.
    Therefore, certain DJ's open up the station at 6 in the morning and others
    shut it down at 2 that night. One of these DJ's, let's call him Dave, is an
    idiot.

    Please note: Just for a visual image for you, he is rather oaf-ish in
    appearance, big and stupid-looking. Bad haircut and disturbing facial
    expressions. Wears a trench coat that makes him look like a flasher.

    Please note: On one wall in the studio is all the info you need about WMNJ.
    In large, friendly letters is:

    "ALL questions and problems are to be sent via voice-mail to the business
    line of the radio station, and not to the exec board's personal phones.
    Thank you."

    Also, the business line sent out a distlist message to all the DJ's a week
    prior, saying that the station will shut down every night at two am.

    Dave has a show from midnight until two am. Here's how the day went.

    2:41 pm: Air Staff Director (ASD) receives phone message in her own
    voice-mail box from Dave that says "Uh...yes...Carolyn, this is Dave. I
    have a show tonight and I was wondering if I'm supposed to shut down the
    station after my show. Uh...just call me back."

    2:03 pm: ASD replies back to message: "Yes, Dave, you do in fact have to
    shut down. The instructions are on the wall. If you have any problems, call
    me."

    Please note: That last statement, of course, was a BIG mistake.

    Please note: ASD does not dare to actually telephone Dave for fear that she
    might not be able to get him off the phone in time for a dinner meeting at
    5:30 that evening.

    12:30 am: Dave is one half-hour into his show. ASD's phone rings.

    CONVERSATIONS WITH DAVE, PART ONE

    DAVE:Yes...um...Carolyn...this is Dave. I'm at the radio station right now
    and I want to know what I need to do to shut down. I do need to shut down
    after my show, right?
    ASD: Yes, you do Dave. Did you get my message this afternoon?
    DAVE: Um...why...um...yes, I did.
    ASD: (to self) Okay, then why the hell are you calling me?
    (to Dave) What's up?
    DAVE: Um...well...yes. I want to know what I need to do to shut down.
    ASD: (experiencing deja-vu) The instructions are on the wall, Dave.
    DAVE: Um...yes...I know that...and...um...now exactly where would they be?

    Please note: WMNJ has a very small broadcast studio. One can read the
    posted material on the wall from the other side of the room.

    ASD: (to self) Oh Lord.
    (to Dave) See that paper on the wall that says Shut-Down Procedures? Follow
    that. It's easy.
    DAVE: Um...yes...I do see it. The one next to the Sublist, right?
    ASD: (to self) Way to go Dave, you're a bright boy.
    (to Dave) That's it.
    DAVE: Okay...yes...well...um...all I need to do is follow that?
    ASD: Yep.

    Please note: The ASD does not make the mistake of repeating "Call me if you
    have any problems" for fear of re-awaking the idea in Dave's muddled brain.

    DAVE: Yes...well...um...and I can call you if I have any problems?
    ASD: (to self) Damn, too late.
    (to Dave) If you need to...
    DAVE: Yes...well...um...thank you, see you later.

    12:35 am: ASD heaves sigh of relief.

    CONVERSATIONS WITH DAVE, PART TWO

    1:10 am: The Chief Engineer's (CE) phone rings. It's Dave. Dave wants to
    know what he needs to do to shut down, and of course, to check if he should
    in fact shut down and not wait for the next DJ and does she know what the
    station will be shut down when she gets there.

    1:18 am: ASD's phone rings. It's the CE.

    ASD: Hi there! Had any interesting converstations lately?
    CE: Very funny. Can I kill him?
    ASD: Sure, go ahead. But do me a favor?
    CE: What?
    ASD: Make it slow and painful and let me help.
    CE: Sure.

    2:07 am: ASD's phone rings. Praying that it's not Dave, and that it's maybe
    Public Safety instead, calling to inform her that her car has just been
    towed from campus because it blew up, she answers.

    CONVERSATIONS WITH DAVE, PART THREE

    DAVE: Yes...well...um...Carolyn, I'm about to close down the station and I
    just wanted to check with you about, well, um, closing down.
    ASD: (to self) Dave, you're not really human, are you?
    (to Dave) Just follow the instructions, Dave, that's all you need.
    DAVE: Okay...yes...well...um...I think I may have a problem.
    ASD: (to self) Just one? I think not.
    (to Dave) And what's that, Dave?
    DAVE: I don't seem to know how to turn off the cart machines.

    Please note: In the shut-down instructions it says to shut off the CD
    players, the cassette deck and the turntables. Do you read the words "cart
    machines" anywhere?

    ASD: Don't worry, Dave, you don't have to.
    DAVE: Yes...but Adam (the CE) told me to turn off all the equipment.
    ASD: I'm sure he didn't mean ALL the equipment, Dave. Just follow the
    instructions.
    DAVE: Yes...well...um...are you sure? Adam told me all the equipment.
    ASD: Well, I'm telling you turn turn off ONLY the CD players, the cassette
    deck and the turtables. Goodbye, Dave.
    DAVE: Yes...well...um...if you're sure. Is there anything else I need to
    know?
    ASD: (to self) Yes. It would make me very happy if you went to go play in
    traffic. Goodbye, Dave.
    (to Dave, hoping this little bit would shut him up) Okay, Dave, after you
    turn everything off, there will be a low hissing sound. Don't worry about
    it. That's the monitor, it never gets turned off. Okay?
    DAVE: Yes...okay...um...a low hissing sound...yes...um...I understand.
    Okay. (pause)
    ASD: Goodbye, Dave.

    2:20 am: Dave should have been long gone from the station by now. Instead
    the (sleeping) CE's phone rings.

    CONVERSATIONS WITH DAVE, PART FOUR

    DAVE: Yes...Adam...this is Dave. I'm down at the--
    CE: (to self) Dave, please drop dead. Now. Right now.
    (to Dave) What's up?
    DAVE: Yes...well...um...I was just wondering if you wanted me to shut down
    the board.
    ASD: What???!!!
    DAVE: Shouldn't I shut down the board? There is a low hissing sound--
    CE: (to self) Kill. Kill. Kill.
    (to Dave) Dave, do NOT touch the board. It only gets turned off at the end
    of the semester. Do NOT touch it. The low hissing sound is because of the
    monitor. It always does that.
    DAVE: Yes...well...um...okay...I understand. See you later.
    CE: (staring at phone) Kill mutant! Kill mutant! Kill mutant!
    CE's ROOMMATE: Huh? What mutant? Who's a mutant?
    CE: Shut up.

    2:25 am: ASD's phone rings. ASD has inner conflict over answering phone.
    Maybe it really is Public Safety this time.

    CE: Guess who just called me.
    ASD: Dan Quayle.
    CE: No, worse. Dave.
    ASD: Why does that not surprise me?
    CE: He wanted to shut down the board.
    ASD: What???!!!
    CE: You bet. He heard a low, hissing sound so he wanted to shut down the
    board.

    ASD proceeds to tell CE about the prievious convo with Dave.

    CE: You know, idiot just doesn't fit.
    ASD: No, it doesn't. How about moron?
    CE: Yes! Moron! That's it!
    CE's ROOMMATE: Who's a moron?
    ASD: Definitely.

    ASD's call waiting beeps in.

    ASD: Adam, hold on, I have another call. I wonder just who it could be.

    ASD answers second call. And it's.............MORON MAN!

    CONVERSATIONS WITH DAVE, PART FIVE

    Please note: If Dave had a life or a clue, this probably wouldn't be
    happening, but he has neither, so it is.

    ASD: Hello?
    DAVE: Yes...well...um...Carolyn, this is--
    ASD: I know, Dave. Is there a problem?
    DAVE: Yes...well...um...I don't seem to have a key to lock the door.
    ASD: (to self) No, Dave, not only do you not SEEM to have a key, you don't
    HAVE one at all! And there's a reason for it, you MORON!
    (to Dave) You don't need one, Dave. The door locks automatically behind
    you. It's in the instructions.

    ASD realizes how truly useless that last phrase really was.

    DAVE: Okay...well...um...I understand now.
    ASD: (to self) Good boy, Dave. Now go away.
    DAVE: Yes...well...um...I'll be seein' ya!

    ASD resumes convo with CE

    CE: What did he want?
    ASD: He needed the key.
    CE: Huh?
    ASD: To lock up.
    CE: But you don't need a key to lock up.
    ASD: Right! But Dave does.
    CE: Can we say...death to Dave?
    ASD: One, two, three...
    CE and ASD: DEATH TO DAVE!!
    CE's ROOMMATE: (half asleep, mumbling, but with feeling) Death to Dave.

    THIS HAS BEEN THE 12-HOUR SAGA OF...DAVE!
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Drug dealers Software developers
    --------------------------- ---------------------------

    Refer to their clients Refer to their clients
    as "users" as "users"

    "The first one's free!" " Download a free trial
    version..."

    Have important South-East Have important South-East
    Asian connections Asian connections
    (to help move the stuff) (to help debug the code)

    Strange jargon: Strange jargon:
    "Stick," "Rock," "SCSI," "RTFM,"
    "Dime bag," "E" "Java," "ISDN"

    Realize that there's Realize that there's
    tons of cash in the tons of cash in the
    14- to 25-year-old 14- to 25-year-old
    market market

    Job is assisted by the Job is assisted by
    industry's producing industry's producing
    newer, more potent mixes newer, faster machines

    Often seen in the company Often seen in the company of
    of pimps and hustlers marketing people and venture
    capitalists

    Their product causes DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem
    unhealthy addictions 'Nuff said.

    Do your job well, and Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!
    you can sleep with
    movie stars who
    depend on you

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Deep Thoughts

    By Jack Handey

    Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
    several of us died of tuberculosis.

    Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself:
    "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and
    "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is
    mankind.

    I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't
    just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good
    ideas.

    It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

    I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him,
    and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin
    Bob."

    I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is
    they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then,
    when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was
    THAT?!"

    The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

    Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite
    and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny
    plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like
    ambition.

    I'd rather be rich than stupid.

    If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors
    came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a
    good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."

    If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger,
    screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I
    guess I'm a coward.

    I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture,
    is the story of Popeye.

    When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they
    ever press charges.

    To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography,
    and the dancers hit each other.

    What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a
    solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.

    We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them
    personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

    Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of
    striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

    I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was
    free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending
    he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

    To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered
    where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the
    circus, and a clown killed my dad.

    As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was
    very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A
    HUMAN HEAD!!

    Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been
    painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a
    child look like a deer.

    If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We
    might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

    Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head
    out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

    You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make
    people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

    Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm
    myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When
    the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the
    porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a
    note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm
    done.

    If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets
    right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

    If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep
    the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to
    that.

    If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe
    you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey,
    free dummy.

    I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet
    you can really see it in those genitals.

    Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck,
    and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what
    is that thing.

    He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made
    a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she
    disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to
    dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he
    told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."

    The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I
    remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive
    and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees
    there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever
    sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat
    some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things
    never leave you.

    If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is
    "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to
    tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

    Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is
    not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an
    elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

    As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said
    it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her
    suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke
    - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!

    One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my
    little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out
    warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried,
    but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started
    to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

    If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think
    liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong,
    though. It's Hambone.

    Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her
    dinner tasted like.

    We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we
    wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he
    picked up in town.

    I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town,
    we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

    As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I
    thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and
    how I named him Flint.

    If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real
    embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

    Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first
    instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell
    on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

    If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are
    all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were
    swimming.

    When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd
    all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us.
    It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

    I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort
    of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.

    If you drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because,
    man, they're gone.

    To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you
    walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You
    can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

    If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the
    most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot
    farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots."

    Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo,
    flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful
    rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his
    feet. And also, you're drunk.

    I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's
    children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

    If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror,
    because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

    If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by
    shoving them down his throat).

    Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them
    "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we
    all be brothers?

    I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that
    I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was
    thinking about doing that anyway.

    I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And
    since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and
    hand it to him.

    If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward
    into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

    It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess
    that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back
    and forth, wanting that money.

    If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet
    it makes beer shoot out your nose.

    As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I
    sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking
    and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

    I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I
    can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

    I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my
    brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's
    just eggs hatching.

    Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the
    room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.

    Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and
    if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular
    window.

    During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not
    putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."

    If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am
    now.

    When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the
    police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started
    wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.

    I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all
    day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It
    was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks
    all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.

    Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody:
    First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage
    that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too.
    Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.

    Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even
    if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking
    to. Then on the way out, slam the door.

    If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it
    would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a
    magazine.

    If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's
    okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him
    to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture.

    Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?

    If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while
    you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a
    truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.

    One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a
    wooden stake.

    If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a
    good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not.

    Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon.
    But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your
    little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."

    Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here,
    looking through your stuff.

    For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a
    slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

    I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish
    out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the
    fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.

    If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace
    treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly
    act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!"

    Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself.
    For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head." Normally
    you would think that "Fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful
    swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again.
    Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people
    might actually think that.

    Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each
    year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.

    I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a
    lot of money."

    I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then,
    Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.

    I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat." It's a fake baby duck,
    which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until
    you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the
    sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those
    ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

    The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the
    watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw
    skulls and bones everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This watering hole is
    reserved for skeletons."
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    QUESTION: Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them
    on my PC?

    ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:

    * The Catholic Church's approach to characters: The nice characters go
    to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness. The
    naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty characters are
    those involved in the creation of naughty words, such as "breast,"
    "sex" and contraception."

    * The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and its
    karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated
    as a different, higher character. Those funny characters above the
    numbers on your keyboard will become numbers, numbers will become
    letters, and lower-case letters will become upper-case.

    * The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation: Who cares? It
    doesn't really matter if they're on the page, deleted, undeleted,
    underlined, etc. It's all the same.

    * The Mac user's explanation: All the characters written on a PC and
    then deleted go to straight to PC hell. If you're using a PC, you can
    probably see the deleted characters, because you're in PC hell also.

    * Stephen King's explanation: Every time you hit the (Del) key you
    unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor
    unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them,
    bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!

    * Dave Barry's explanation: The deleted characters are shipped to Battle
    Creek, Michigan, where they're made into Pop-Tart filling; this
    explains why Pop-Tarts are so flammable, while cheap imitations are
    not flammable. I'm not making this up.

    * IBM's explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only on the
    screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely
    to de-conceptualize them. Get a life.

    * PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation:
    You've been DELETING them??? Can't you hear them SCREAMING??? Why
    don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!

    - Joel Garreau (garreau@well.com)
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    A man goes into his dentist's office with a terrible pain in his jaw. Soon
    enough, he's in the chair and the doctor starts probing with his metal
    pick.

    "Does this hurt?" he asks, as his patient's knuckles whitened. Finally the
    dentist stood back and asked:

    "Do you eat lots of candy?"

    "No."

    "Do you drink lots of soda pop?"

    "Very seldom."

    "Have you been brushing every day?"

    "Yes doctor, three times a day."

    "Well, I can't think of anything that's causing all the cavities you have.
    Can you think of anything?"

    "Well, I do like hollandaise sauce an awful lot."

    "Hollandaise sauce?"

    "Yes, I love the stuff. I have it on everything. On toast, eggs, cereal,
    ice-cream, pancakes, and so on. I just can't get enough of it!"

    "Well, I'll tell you what, let me put in a plate and see if it helps."

    The dentist put a plate into his patients mouth, and sent him on his way,
    with instructions to come back in six months for a check-up. The months
    passed quickly enough, and soon the man was back into the chair.

    "Doc, I can't believe it! Since you put that plate in, I've had no problems
    with my teeth at all! What was it made of anyway?"

    "It was a chrome plate."

    "Chrome? Why a chrome plate?"

    "Well you know," said the dentist...

    "THERE'S NO PLATE LIKE CHROME FOR THE HOLLANDAISE!!!"
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    From: bennyl%FAB8.INTEL.COM@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU (BENNY LEBOVITS)
    To: TMANCUSO@drunivac.bitnet (Tina Mancuso)
    Subject: Deteriorata
    Date: Mon, 12 Nov 90 12:39:54 PST

    Deteriorata

    (National Lampoon)

    (You are a fluke of the universe.
    You have no right to be here.
    Deteriorata, Deteriorata)

    Go placidly amidst the noise and waste, and remember what comfort there may
    be in owning a piece thereof. Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you
    are in need of sleep. Rotate your tires. Speak glowingly of those greater
    than yourself; and heed well their advice, even though they be turkeys.
    Know what to kiss - and when. Consider that two wrongs never make a right,
    but that three do. Wherever possible, put people on hold. Be comforted,
    that in the face of all irridity and disillusionment, and despite the
    changing fortunes of time, there is always a big future in computer
    maintenance.

    (You are a fluke of the universe.
    You have no right to be here.
    Whether you can hear it or not,
    The universe is laughing behind your back.)

    Remember the Pueblo. Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle, and
    mutilate. Know yourself. If you need help, call the FBI. Exercise caution
    in your daily affairs, especially with those persons closest to you... That
    lemon on your left, for instance. Be assured that a walk through the seas
    of most souls would scarcely get your feet wet. Fall not in love,
    therefore, it will stick to your face. Gracefully surrender the things of
    youth: the birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan - and let not the sands of time
    get in your lunch. Hire people with hooks. For a good time, call 606-4311,
    ask for Ken. Take heart in the deepening gloom that your dog is finally
    getting enough cheese. And reflect that whatever misfortune may be your
    lot, it could only be worse in Milwaukee.

    (You are a fluke of the universe.
    You have no right to be here.
    Whether you can hear it or not,
    The universe is laughing behind your back.)

    Therefore, make peace with your god, whatever you perceive him to be: hairy
    thunderer or cosmic muffin. With all its hopes, dreams, promises, and urban
    renewal, the world continues to deteriorate. GIVE UP!

    (You are a fluke of the universe.
    You have no right to be here.
    Whether you can hear it or not,
    The universe is laughing behind your back.)
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Proper Diskette Care and Usage

    (1) Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the
    disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be
    rolled up and stored in pencil holders.

    (2) Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal
    particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of
    the disk. Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder
    and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This
    will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.

    (3) Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big"
    Diskettes may be folded and used in "Little" drives.

    (4) Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall
    off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.

    (5) Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photo copy
    machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert TWO
    diskettes into your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be
    written onto both disks. A handy tip for more legible backup copies: Keep a
    container of iron filings at your desk. When you need to make two copies,
    sprinkle iron filings liberally between the diskettes before inserting them
    into the drive.

    (6) Diskettes should not be removed or inserted from the drive while the
    red light is on or flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly
    unreadable text. Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is
    known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is hooking, you will
    probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the
    slot.

    (7) If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the disk
    from the drive and shake vigourously for two minutes. This will pack the
    data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover
    all openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.

    (8) Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the
    diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the
    disk.

    (9) Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs
    from spreading.....

    (10) You can keep your data fresh by storing disks in the vegetable
    compartment of your refrigerator. Disks may be frozen, but remember to un
    thaw by microwaving or briefly immersing in boiling water.

    (11) "Little" diskettes must be removed from their box prior to use. These
    containers are childproof to prevent tampering by unknowledgeable
    youngsters.

    (12) You can recover data from a damaged disk by using the DOS command:
    FORMAT /U or alternatively by scratching new sector marks on the disk with
    a nail file.

    (13) Diskettes become "hard" with age. It's important to back up your
    "hard" disks before they become too brittle to use.

    (14) Make sure you label your data. Staples are a good way to permanently
    affix labels to your disks.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    [email]

    DNA

    Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
    Subject: A little C programming...
    Date: 4 Aug 91 23:30:05 GMT
    Keywords: computer, smirk

    For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that
    very little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function.

    I have solved the mystery.

    The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that
    the rest of it is comments.

    Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin as
    follows:


    ===
    /* HUMAN_DNA.H
    *
    * Human Genome
    * Version 2.1
    *
    * (C) God
    */

    /* Revision history:
    *
    * 0000-00-01 00:00 1.0 Adam.
    * 0000-00-02 10:00 1.1 Eve.
    * 0000-00-03 02:11 1.2 Added penis code to male version. A bit messy --
    * will require a rewrite later on to make it neater.
    * 0017-03-12 03:14 1.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from
    * elephant-dna.c
    * 0145-10-03 16:33 1.4 Removed tail.
    * 1115-00-31 17:20 1.5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case.
    * 2091-08-20 13:56 1.6 Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine.
    * 2501-04-09 14:04 1.7 Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour made
    * darker to match my own image.
    * 2909-07-12 02:21 1.8 Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom' teeth.
    * Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate.
    * 4501-12-31 14:18 1.9 Increase average height.
    * 5533-02-12 17:09 2.0 Added gay option, triggered by high population
    * density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem.
    * 6004-11-04 16:11 2.1 Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of
    * CD.
    */

    /* Standard definitions
    */

    #define SEX male
    #define HEIGHT 1.84
    #define MASS 68
    #define RACE caucasian

    /* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files.
    *
    * Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper
    * inheritance features.
    */

    #include "mother.h"
    #include "father.h"

    #infndef FATHER
    #warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n")
    #include "bastard.h"
    #endif

    /* Set up sex-specific functions and variables
    */
    #include

    /* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper
    * library sometime soon.
    */
    struct genitals
    {
    #ifdef MALE
    Penis *jt;
    #endif
    /* G_spot *g; Removed for debugging purposes */
    #ifdef FEMALE
    Vagina *p;
    #endif
    }

    /* Initialization bootstrap routine -- called before DNA duplication.
    * Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers
    */
    DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *);

    /* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE
    *
    * Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the organism
    * to display at birth.
    *
    * Will be improved later to make output less ugly.
    */
    Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);
    ===

    ...and so on.

    [ Note that God uses three-space tabs ]
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor.

    The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had
    they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him:

    "Hey look, I'm a vet -- I don't need to ask my patients these kind of
    questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"

    The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and
    handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work,
    we'll have to have you put down."
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers

    20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.

    19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.

    18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.

    17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.

    16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."

    15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.

    14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing
    www.pethouse.com instead of working.

    13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.

    12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.

    11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.

    10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable
    Thumb.

    9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome

    8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...

    7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.

    6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.

    5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!

    4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.

    3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.

    2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.

    and the Number 1 Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers...

    1. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    What Not To Name Your Dog

    Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Spot" I made the mistake of
    calling mine "Sex".

    Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to city hall to
    renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He
    said, "I'd like to have one too!" Then I said, "But this is for a dog." He
    said, "I don't care what she looks like." Then I said, "You don't
    understand, I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said, "You must
    have been quite a kid."

    When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. Not
    wanting the dog to bother us, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my
    wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the
    place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at
    night." The clerk said, "Me too."

    One day I entered Sex in a dog show, before the competition began, Another
    contestant asked me what I was doing. I told him that I planned to have Sex
    in the show. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. When I asked
    if the show was televised he called me a pervert.

    I left my dog at the Veterinarian. When I went to pick him up I said, "I've
    come for my dog." She said, "Which one, Spot or Rover?" I said, "What about
    Sex?" She slapped me. After I straightened out the misunderstanding, I
    asked if Sex was good for her. She slapped me again.

    Sex ran away, I went to the dog pound. As I was looking in all the cages
    the operator up to me. I said I'm looking for Sex. He said I was looking in
    all the wrong places.

    When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the
    dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." He said, "What's
    your point, so did I." I said, "But my wife wants to take Sex away." He
    said, "That's what happens in a divorce."

    Last night Sex ran off. I spent hours looking for him all over town. A cop
    came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock
    in the morning?" I said I was looking for Sex.

    My case comes up Friday.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Newsgroups: bit.listserv.giggles
    Subject: JOKE-CLEAN: DOGS
    From: Leona Weinstein (TXCUDDLE@AOL.COM)
    Date: Mon, 24 Jul 1995 22:37:43 -0400

    BASIC RULES FOR DOGS WHO HAVE A YARD TO PROTECT

    NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front
    yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning
    for that purpose.

    VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across
    the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human
    falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently
    to show your concern.

    BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--- a lot.
    Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house.
    Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds.
    There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the
    middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark...

    LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before
    licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your
    human a towel.

    HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and
    upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they
    won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each
    hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the
    ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

    DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the
    family dog to sleep.

    THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your
    duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.

    DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when
    there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor.
    It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.

    HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much
    of the house as possible.

    GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or
    mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

    COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your
    humans have gone to bed.

    PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the
    flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.

    CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never--- quite--- catch
    them. It spoils all the fun.

    CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a shoe.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Thirteen Things Dogs Don't Understand

    1. It's not a laugh to practice woofing at 3am.
    2. It's wrong to back Grandma into a corner and guard her.
    3. He shouldn't jump on your bed when he's soaking wet.
    4. The command "SHUT THE BLOODY FUCK UP!" means just that.
    5. The cat has every right to be in the sitting room.
    6. Crapping on the carpet is not something deserving of a biscuit.
    7. Barking at guests ten minutes after they've arrived is stupid.
    8. No, we said SIT!
    9. I know it's a nice leg, but don't ride it.
    10. Getting up DOESN'T mean Walkies.
    11. Just because I'm eating, doesn't mean you can.
    12. If you look at me with those big soppy eyes, I'm NOT going to give in
    and feed you. NOT. NOT. Oh, ok. just this once.
    13. No it's my chocolate ... Oh alright then, just a small piece.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    From: anagram!mike@uunet.uu.net (Mike Morton)
    Subject:Top Ten Anagrams -- 'Defense of Marriage Act'
    Date: Sun, 24 Nov 96 19:30:02 EST

    Copyright (c) 1996 by the author, Mike Morton . All rights reserved. You
    may reproduce this, in whole or in part, in any form, provided you retain
    this paragraph unchanged.

    [Note - the "Defense of Marriage Act" is a U.S. statute which allows states
    to refuse to recognize same-sex marriages enacted in other states. It also
    defines the terms "marriage" and "spouse" to only refer to opposite-sex
    relationships - ed.]

    Top Ten Anagrams for "Defense of Marriage Act"

    10. Free! Free! Satanic dogma!
    9. America's negated offer
    8. Fanatics referee dogma
    7. Fear of Satanic emerged
    6. Farce of a disagreement
    5. I fear act of same-gender
    4. Deceit of free anagrams
    3. A farce of it: same-gender
    2. A. Gore fancies mate Fred

    And the number one anagram for "Defense of Marriage Act":

    1. Fear decrease of mating

    Runners-up:

    Agencies dreamt of fear
    Agree: Dramatic offense
    America: A gender offset
    American oafs get freed
    Fanatic oafs re-emerged
    Forge American defeats
    Frenetic dogma? Safe era?
    Gem for a dearest fiance
    Gore dreamt: safe fiance
    Increase damage effort

    And, for those of you who like to read the fine print, the dregs:

    Academies' effort, anger / Affection rearmed sage / America: Offense grated
    / Cafeteria demeans frog / Cafeteria sang "freedom" / Cages effeminate
    ardor / Coarse, effeminate drag / Cortege demeans affair / Damage eastern
    officer / Damage erratic offense / Decrease after foaming / Decries fete of
    anagram / Defrost a meager fiance / Fear aged foe, miscreant / Fiance great
    as freedom / Foes create fame in drag / For fame: Disagree, enact /
    Forecast menagerie fad / Forecasting a dream fee / Foreseeing a dream, fact
    / Freedom, rage fascinate / Gee, American tradeoffs / Goad effeminate
    racers / I scored effete anagram / Increase tradeoff game / Offset greed,
    Americana / Orgies; defacement afar / Record effeminate saga / Sage,
    dreamer, affection / Some fad, greater fiance / Teenager framed fiasco
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    DONKEY RACING IN TEXAS

    A Texan preacher wanted to raise some money for his church; hearing that
    there was a lot of money in horse racing, he decided to purchase a horse.
    However, horses proved to be too expensive for his small budget, so he
    ended up buying a donkey instead. Figuring he had nothing to lose, the
    preacher decided to enter the donkey in the horse race, in which, to his
    astonishment, the donkey came in second place! The next day's headlines in
    the Daily Racing Form read:

    PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS

    Encouraged by the donkey's strong beginning, the preacher entered the
    donkey in the races again. This time the donkey won, inspiring the
    headline,

    PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

    Meanwhile, the bishop had gotten word of these outrageous headlines and
    decided that this kind of publicity was not good for his parish. So, he
    ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in any more races. Next day
    the headlines read:

    BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS

    Needless to say, the bishop was not pleased with this, so he told the
    preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher obliged, giving it to a
    convent. The headlines following this read:

    NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

    Well, this made the bishop angrier than ever, and he ordered the Mother
    Superior at the convent to sell the animal. She sold it to a farmer for
    $10. The headlines proclaimed:

    NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS

    The bishop died upon reading this headline. The day after his death, the
    headlines read:

    TOO MUCH ASS RESPONSIBLE FOR BISHOP'S DEATH
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    DOS BOOT

    C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN!

    Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression

    Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"

    ... File not found. Should I fake it?(Y/N)

    SENILE.COM found... Out of Memory...

    Who's General Failure & why is he reading my disk?

    Hidden DOS secret: Add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS

    Press any key... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

    Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...

    DOS Tip #2: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS

    BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!

    Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..

    Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

    Southern DOS: Y'all reckon?(Yep/Nope)

    CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C.?(Y/N)

    COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key

    Press -- to continue...

    The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

    11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium Pro.

    Windows: Just another pane in the glass.

    C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL

    Buy a Pentium 586/200 so you can reboot even faster!

    All computers wait at the same speed.

    The new, improved 586 chips make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

    Access denied--Nah nah na nah nah!

    C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

    <---------- The information went data way ------------>

    Shell to DOS... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...

    2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

    As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

    Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.

    My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

    Does fuzzy logic tickle?

    ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

    Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!

    Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.

    RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure!

    Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...

    E Pluribus Modem

    An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.

    The name is Baud....., James Baud.

    A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.

    Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny.

    BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal Port Not Responding

    Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.

    Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.

    E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.

    A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.

    All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

    Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

    Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.

    Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
    Subject: The history of DOS
    From: rwilco@interlog.com (Adam Allouba)
    Date: Wed, 26 Jul 95 4:30:02 EDT

    Found this gem on the NANET Comedy Conference. If you know anything about
    DOS vs Windows vs OS/2 vs... then READ IT.

    How It Came To Pass...

    Long ago, in the days when all disks flopped in the breeze and the writing
    of words was on a star, the Blue Giant dug for the people the Pea Sea. But
    he needed a creature who could sail the waters, and would need for support
    but few rams.

    So the Gatekeeper, who was said to be both micro and soft, fashioned a
    Dosfish, who was small and spry, and could swim the narrow sixteen-bit
    channel. But the Dosfish was not bright, and could be taught few new
    tricks. His alphabet had no A's, B's, or Q's, but a mere 640 K's, and the
    size of his file cabinet was limited by his own fat.

    At first the people loved the Dosfish, for he was the only one who could
    swim the Pea Sea. But the people soon grew tired of commanding his line,
    and complained that he could be neither dragged nor dropped. "Forsooth,"
    they cried. "the Dosfish can only do one job at a time, and of names, he
    knows only eight and three." And many of them left the Pea Sea for good,
    and went off in search of the Magic Apple.

    Although many went, far more stayed, because admittance to the Pea Sea was
    cheap. So the Gateskeeper studied the Magic Apple, and rested awhile in the
    Parc of Xer-Ox, and he made a Window that could ride on the Dosfish and do
    its thinking for it. But the Window was slow, and it would break when the
    Dosfish got confused. So most people contented themselves with the Dosfish.

    Now it came to pass that the Blue Giant came upon the Gateskeeper, and
    spoke thus: "Come, let us make of ourselves something greater than the
    Dosfish." The Blue Giant seemed like a humbug, so they called the new
    creature OZ II.

    Now Oz II was smarter than the Dosfish, as most things are. It could drag
    and drop, and could keep files without becoming fat. But the people cared
    for it not. So the Blue Giant and the Gateskeeper promised another OZ II,
    to be called Oz II Too, that could swim the fast new 32-bit wide Pea Sea.

    Then lo, a strange miracle occurred. Although the Window that rode on the
    Dosfish was slow, it was pretty, and the third Window was the prettiest of
    all. And the people began to like the third Window, and to use it. So the
    Gateskeeper turned to the Blue Giant and said, "Fie on thee, for I need
    thee not. Keep thy OZ II Too, and I shall make of my Window an Entity that
    will not need the Dosfish, and will swim in the 32-bit Pea Sea."

    Years passed, and the workshops of the Gateskeeper and the Blue Giant were
    overrun by insects. And the people went on using their Dosfish with a
    Window; even though the Dosfish would from time to time become confused and
    die, it could always be revived with three fingers.

    Then there came a day when the Blue Giant let forth his OZ II Too onto the
    world. The Oz II Too was indeed mighty, and awesome, and required a great
    ram, and the world was changed not a whit. For the people said, "It is
    indeed great, but we see little application for it." And they were
    doubtful, because the Blue Giant had met with the Magic Apple, and together
    they were fashioning a Taligent, and the Taligent was made of objects, and
    was most pink.

    Now the Gateskeeper had grown ambitious, and as he had been ambitious
    before he grew, he was now more ambitious still. So he protected his Window
    Entity with great security, and made its net work both in serving and with
    peers. And the Entity would swim, not only in the Pea Sea, but in the
    Oceans of Great Risk. "Yea," the Gateskeeper declared, "though my entity
    will require a greater ram than Oz II Too, it will be more powerful than a
    world of Eunuchs.

    And so the Gateskeeper prepared to unleash his Entity to the world, in all
    but two cities. For he promised that a greater Window, a greater Entity,
    and even a greater Dosfish would appear one day in Chicago and Cairo, and
    it too would be built of objects.

    Now the Eunuchs who lived in the Oceans of Great Risk, and who scorned the
    Pea Sea, began to look upon their world with fear. For the Pea Sea had
    grown, and great ships were sailing in it, the Entity was about to invade
    their oceans, and it was rumored that files would be named in letters
    greater than eight. And the Eunuchs looked upon the Pea Sea, and many of
    them thought to immigrate.

    Within the Oceans of Great Risk were many Sun Worshippers, and they wanted
    to excel, and make their words perfect, and do their jobs as easy as
    one-two-three. And what's more, many of them no longer wanted to pay for
    the Risk. So the Sun Lord went to the Pea Sea, and got himself
    eighty-sixed.

    And taking the next step was He of the NextStep, who had given up building
    his boxes of black. And he proclaimed loudly that he could help anyone make
    wondrous soft wares, then admitted meekly that only those who know him
    could use those wares, and he was made of objects, and required the biggest
    ram of all.

    And the people looked out upon the Pea Sea, and they were sore amazed. And
    sore confused. And sore sore. And that is why, to this day, Ozes, Entities,
    and Eunuchs battle on the shores of the Pea Sea, but the people still
    travel on the simple Dosfish.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    The original author of this article is: "Lincoln Spector"

    That article was from his regular computer humor column, Gigglebytes, which he
    have been writing since 1986.

    Oofficial posting at http://www.thelinkinspector.com/giggle930701.htm.

    Comments

    From ray@basser.oz.au (Raymond Lister) Thu Sep 15 23:30:03 1988
    Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
    Subject: doublespeak, Orwell_is_here!
    Keywords: true, chuckle

    [ extracted from NL-KR Digest, (8/19/88 21:23:10), Volume 5 Number 10,
    distributed in comp.ai.nlang-know-rep: - ray]

    >From: Clay M Bond

    Some excerpts from the Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE) which you all
    should find amusing:

    A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor recorded
    the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill his
    wellness potential."

    Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the American Journal of
    Family Practice fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors."

    The letter from the Air Force colonel in charge of safety said that rocket
    boosters weighing more than 300,000 pounds "have an explosive force upon
    surface impact that is sufficient to exceed the accepted overpressure
    threshhold of physiological damage for exposed personnel." In other words,
    if a 300,000-pound booster rocket falls on someone, he or she is not likely
    to survive.

    A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed
    anti-personnel devices." You probably call them bombs.

    At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian mechanics
    were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." That is, they were fired.

    A personal ad from an unidentified mewspaper announces that a "formerly
    single man" seeks a single or married woman.

    After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls of
    film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it)
    only to receive the following notice: "We must report that during the
    handling of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were
    involved in an unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a
    particularly nice touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films;
    they just had a bad experience. Of course our reader can always go back to
    Tibet and take his pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement
    rolls Kodak so generously sent him.

    The description on the package of Stouffer's Veal Tortellini with Tomato
    Sauce says it contains "exquisite egg pasta." The list of ingredients,
    however, includes "cooked noodle product."

    In St. Louis there is an oriental rug store that advertizes "semi-antique"
    rugs.

    The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all students
    to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school graduation.

    Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's
    recognition of the sanctity of human life."

    According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22, 1987,
    Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a "family farm." Their "farm"
    has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year. But as a "family
    farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year.

    Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of Public
    Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers." You probably
    call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency.

    It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore. Now it's "chronologically
    experienced citizens."

    According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was just a
    case of "uncontained blade liberation."
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    dream(1l)

    NAME
    dream - suspend execution for an interval while executing
    random code in memory

    SYNTAX
    dream [-d][[-nrRsw] [time]]

    DESCRIPTION
    Dream suspends execution of the current proces for time
    seconds, while simulating a dream sequence by executing random
    segments of code in memory. All devices are paralyzed (blocked)
    to prevent dangerous side-effects. The options are as follows:

    -d daydream. code seems to be more related to the actual
    suspended process, and suspension will be for a limited
    amount of time. Attention can be restored by snapping
    fingers next to keyboard.

    -n nightmare. Repeated references to the system error logs
    are made during execution.

    -r recurring. The code of a previous execution will be
    re-selected for this dream.

    -R REM (Rapid Eye Movement). The current value of the PC is
    is flashed on the screen for every instruction.

    -s sleepwalking. Tape drives will be sent many alternating
    fast-forward and rewind requests and/or line printers sent
    many alternating carraige-return and tab codes to promote
    movement of machine(s) across floor. Stopping these
    devices may confuse the program.

    -w wet dream. The code is selected from the sex(1l) program.

    Dream will invoke automatically with the -d option when the
    system proves extremely slow.

    The relation of the randomly-executed code to the subconcious
    (background tasks) of the current processes is suspected but has
    not been proven.

    WARNING
    do not select the -w option without covering the keyboard.

    SEE ALSO
    sleep(1), sex(1l), dream(3l), alarm(3C)

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Fun Things to do When Driving

    Posted on Rec.Humor By: Karl A Krueger (kkrueger@osf1.gmu.edu)
    Archived By: Derek Cashman (cashman@infi.net)

    1. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
    2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.
    3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look
    of fear, lock your doors.
    4. Two words: Chicken suit.
    5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it
    looks like blood, the better.
    6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when
    driving alone.
    7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
    8. Stop at the green lights.
    9. Go at the red ones.
    10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or
    sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
    11. Eat food that requires silverware.
    12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
    13. Sing without having the radio on.
    14. Honk frequently without motivation.
    15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an
    obscene gesture.
    16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.
    17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.
    18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
    19. Restart your car at every stop light.
    20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them,
    stroking them lovingly.
    21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out
    the window.
    22. While stopped at a light, piss out the window/sunroof onto other cars.
    23. Paint your car with occult symbols.
    24. Keep at least five cats in the car.
    25. Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy sex.
    26. Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for firetrucks.
    27. Stop and collect roadkill.
    28. Stop and pray to roadkill.
    29. Throw Spam.
    30. Get in the fast lane and gradually ... slow ... down ... to a stop.
    Then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the
    California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday
    Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

    Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
    A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

    Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the
    same time?
    A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns
    don't kill people. I do."

    Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? '
    A: Your car.

    Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
    A: Be too shit-faced to find your keys.

    Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
    A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

    Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive
    lawfully?
    A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

    Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
    A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

    Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a
    flashing yellow traffic light?
    A: The color.

    Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
    A: Heavy psychedelics.

    Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
    A: Carry loaded weapons.

    Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
    A: It would be tough to be a $@#!head all day long.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    After months of speculation, it was confirmed yesterday that the Death
    Star, the Empire's vaunted, planet-destroying space station, has added a
    new, state-of-the-art day care center to its already vast array of
    capabilities. The massive four-room day care center, which, according to
    Grand Moff Tarkin, will "provide a safe and fun learning environment for
    tots between the ages of one and four," has already begun spring enrollment
    and is expected to be fully operational by June 1.

    "Nothing can stop the Sunshine Death Star Play and Learning Center," the
    Imperial Emperor said via holograph. "With its four classrooms, outdoor
    playground and experienced staff of licensed day care professionals, no
    other facility can match its awesome instructive power."

    Though still several weeks away from full strength, the Sunshine Death Star
    Center is already up and running. Among the most popular activities there
    are finger-painting, story time and Duck Duck Goose, which the Emperor
    often helps lead.

    "Feel your hatred flow through you," he told 3-year-old Jenny Bates, as she
    energetically chased fellow toddler and "goose" Michael Phillips around the
    outside of the circle. "Give in to your hatred!"

    Disaster was narrowly averted last Friday, when the center took a field
    trip to the nearby planet Bespin. At the end of the day, minutes into the
    shuttle ride back to the Death Star, adult chaperone Darth Vader locked
    eyes with 4-year-old Matthew Schumpert. "Wait," said Vader, probing deep
    into the child's mind. "There is another Schumpert."

    Vader sensed the presence of Katie Schumpert, Matthew's sister, who was
    still back at the Bespin gift shop purchasing souvenirs. He ordered the
    shuttle to turn around and averted an embarrassing situation for the new
    day care facility.

    Vader later added: "Join me, parents looking for a safe, dependable child
    care alternative, and together we will rule the galaxy."

    In addition to enjoying many fun games and learning activities, children at
    the Sunshine Death Star Day Care Center have already gotten to witness the
    destruction of several planets out the center's giant bay window.

    Last Friday, in the middle of a coloring activity, the planet Alderan was
    blown up, delighting 23 of the 24 children who witnessed the devastating
    power of the battle station. The sole exception was Libby Phelps, 3, whose
    family was vacationing in Alderan at the time of its destruction. She was
    frightened by the loud explosion and began to cry upon realizing that her
    mother, father and younger sister were now dead. The emperor's elite
    squadron of imperial guards leapt to action, removing the girl from the
    room and giving her some ice cream treats to calm her.

    According to Death Star officials, the idea for the center sprang up after
    a number of parents complained about the lack of quality, affordable child
    care options on the Death Star.

    "As a stormtrooper and father of three, I'm very excited about the new day
    care center," Death Star citizen Ralph Sedgwick said. "It's a safe,
    nurturing environment, one in which my child will learn."

    Added Gail Lindon: "For years I took my daughter to work because I couldn't
    afford a nanny. Do you have any idea how hard it is to operate a tractor
    beam with a two-year-old pulling at your leg?"

    As excited as most are about the new day care center, a few extremists have
    expressed concern about its proximity to the Death Star's reactor core.

    "There is an opening in the Death Star's main shaft that leads to the
    core," parent and dissenting voice Annette Voss said. "If a small rebel
    ship were to somehow break through the deflector shield and enter the
    shaft, it's possible it could hit the reactor core with a single,
    well-placed proton torpedo shot and destroy the entire space station."

    Experts, however, scoff at Voss's theory, dismissing such a shot as "a
    million to one."
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Gongs for Bongs

    The following is from the British Sunday Express giving Gongs (medals) for
    dubious distinctions in 1992.

    Tortoise Trophy

    British Rail, which ingeniously solved the problem of lateness in the
    InterCity express train service by redefining "on time" to include trains
    arriving within one hour of schedule.

    Rubber Cushion

    John Bloor who mistook a tube of superglue for his haemorrhoid cream and
    glued his buttocks together

    Crimewatch Cup

    Gold star: Henry Smith, arrested moments after returning home with a stolen
    stereo. His error was having tatooed on his forehead in large capital
    letters the words "Henry Smith". His lawyer told the court:"My client is
    not a very bright young man".

    Silver star: Michael Robinson, who rang police to deliver a bomb hoax, but
    became so agitated about the mounting cost of the call that he began
    screaming "Call me back" and left his phone number.

    Bronze star: Paul Monkton, who used as his getaway vehicle a van with his
    name and phone number painted in foot-high letters on the side.

    British Cup

    To passengers on a jam-packed train from Margate to Victoria who averted
    their eyes while John Henderson and Zoe D'Arcy engaged in oral sex and then
    moved onto intercourse, but complained when they lit up post-coitus
    cigarettes in a non-smoking compartment.

    Flying Cross

    To Percy the Pigeon, who flopped down exhausted in a Sheffield loft having
    beaten 1,000 rivals in a 500 mile race and was immediately eaten by a cat.
    The 90 minute delay in finding his remains and handing his identification
    tag to the judges relegated Percy from first to third place.

    Lazarus Laurel

    To Julia Carson who as her tearful family gathereed round her coffin in a
    New York funeral parlour, sat bolt upright and asked what the hell was
    going on. Celebrations were short lived since Mrs. Carlson's daughter,
    Julie, immediately dropped dead from shock.

    Silver Bullet

    To poacher Marino Malerba who shot dead a stag standing above him on an
    overhanging rock,and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Date: 27 Apr 1993 13:40:39 -0400 (EDT)
    From: "Frederick P. Arnold, Jr. Dept of Chem, X8720"
    (farnold@fricka.duch.udel.edu)
    Subject: Story for today.

    This is from D. Ridge, concerning a friend of his who was a Mormon
    Missionary to Switzerland, in a german speaking region.

    It appears that he was having some trouble with the language, but had
    acquired a sufficiently good grasp that he felt comfortable presenting a
    sermon on the Book of Revalations, and the events leading up to the end.

    So, he's rolling along, and he's evoking the picture of the rapture, and
    the rule of the beast on the earth, and the fight between the Archangels
    and the forces of Hell, and the tension is building and building, until he
    reaches the climatic moment, and intones in a voice of thunder, "Und Dann
    Kommt die Ente!" (and then comes the end!)

    Suddenly, the place erupts in laughter, which he can't understand. It seems
    that what he meant to say was, "Und Dann Kommt die Ende", which is "and
    then comes the end", but by making that mistake of one consonant on the
    last word, had managed to tell his rapt parishoners, that when everything
    was done, the climax of Armageddon would be the coming of 'die Ente', or
    The Duck.

    And so, in the last days, after the fall of the stars from the sky, and the
    battle between the Archangels and the Forces of Hell, there shall Come the
    Duck! Quack!
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    How Not To Die: The Dumbest Deaths in Recorded History

    Attila the Hun:

    One of the most notorious villains in history, Attila's army had conquered
    all of Asia by 450 AD--from Mongolia to the edge of the Russian Empire--by
    destroying villages and pillaging the countryside.

    How he died: He got a nosebleed on his wedding night

    In 453 AD, Attila married a young girl named Ildico. Despite his reputation
    for ferocity on the battlefield, he tended to eat and drink lightly during
    large banquets. On his wedding night, however, he really cut loose, gorging
    himself on food and drink. Sometime during the night he suffered a
    nosebleed, but was too drunk to notice. He drowned in his own blood and was
    found dead the next morning.

    Tycho Brahe:

    An important Danish astronomer of the 16th century. His ground breaking
    research allowed Sir Isaac Newton to come up with the theory of gravity.

    How he died: Didn't get to the bathroom in time

    In the 16th century, it was considered an insult to leave a banquet table
    before the meal was over. Brahe, known to drink excessively, had a bladder
    condition -- but failed to relieve himself before the banquet started. He
    made matters worse by drinking too much at dinner, and was too polite to
    ask to be excused. His bladder finally burst, killing him slowly and
    painfully over the next 11 days.

    Horace Wells:

    Pioneered the use of anesthesia in the 1840s

    How he died: Used anesthetics to commit suicide

    While experimenting with various gases during his anesthesia research,
    Wells became addicted to chloroform. In 1848 he was arrested for spraying
    two women with sulfuric acid. In a letter he wrote from jail, he blamed
    chloroform for his problems, claiming that he'd gotten high before the
    attack. Four days later he was found dead in his cell. He'd anaesthetized
    himself with chloroform and slashed open his thigh with a razor.

    Francis Bacon:

    One of the most influential minds of the late 16th century. A statesman, a
    philosopher, a writer, and a scientist, he was even rumored to have written
    some of Shakespeare's plays.

    How he died: Stuffing snow into a chicken

    One afternoon in 1625, Bacon was watching a snowstorm and was struck by the
    wondrous notion that maybe snow could be used to preserve meat in the same
    way that salt was used. Determined to find out, he purchased a chicken from
    a nearby village, killed it, and then, standing outside in the snow,
    attempted to stuff the chicken full of snow to freeze it. The chicken never
    froze, but Bacon did.

    Jerome Irving Rodale:

    Founding father of the organic food movement, creator of "Organic Farming
    and Gardening" magazine, and founder of Rodale Press, a major publishing
    corporation.

    How he died: On the "Dick Cavett Show", while discussing the benefits of
    organic foods.

    Rodale, who bragged "I'm going to live to be 100 unless I'm run down by a
    sugar-crazed taxi driver," was only 72 when he appeared on the "Dick Cavett
    Show" in January 1971. Part way through the interview, he dropped dead in
    his chair. Cause of death: heart attack. The show was never aired.

    Aeschylus:

    A Greek playwright back in 500 BC. Many historians consider him the father
    of Greek tragedies.

    How he died: An eagle dropped a tortoise on his head

    According to legend, eagles picked up tortoises and attempt to crack them
    open by dropping them on rocks. An eagle mistook Aeschylus' head for a rock
    (he was bald) and dropped it on him instead.

    Jim Fixx:

    Author of the best selling "Complete Book of Running," which started the
    jogging craze of the 1970s.

    How he died: A heart attack....while jogging

    Fixx was visiting Greensboro, Vermont when he walked out of his house and
    began jogging. He'd only gone a short distance when he had a massive
    coronary. His autopsy revealed that one of his coronary arteries was 99%
    clogged, another was 80% obstructed, and a third was 70% blocked....and
    that Fixx had had three other attacks in the weeks prior to his death.

    And finally there's Lully, one of our favorite 16th-century composers, who
    wrote music for the king of France.

    While rehearsing the musicians, he got too serious beating time with his
    staff, and drove it right through his foot. He died of infection.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    These are responses to a contest sponsored by OMNI magazine:

    Grand Prize Winner:

    When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet; when toast is dropped,
    it always lands with the buttered side facing down. I propose to strap
    buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches
    above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail
    could easily link New York with Chicago.

    Runners-up:

    If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup
    trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of
    highway signs, they will eventually produce all the worlds great literary
    works in Braille.

    Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your
    eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other
    people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.

    Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no
    alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster
    rate.

    The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a
    figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close
    to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin
    dangerously fast.

    Honorable Mentions:

    Birds take off at sunrise. On the opposite side of the world, they are
    landing at sunset. This causes the earth to spin on its axis.

    The reason hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars is that it's easier
    to go faster when you're cars always going downhill.

    The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted
    in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah,"
    the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and
    invest in "erl wells."
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    From: tlimonce@drew.edu (Tom Limoncelli)
    Newsgroups: du.chatter
    Subject: Re: du.sex
    Date: 6 May 91 15:01:53 GMT

    > In article <1991May5.222106.88259@drew.edu>, wkimler@drew.edu writes:
    >
    > -Bill (could we have a du.sex newsgroup?)

    How about:

    du.sex.misc
    General ranting

    du.sex.who
    Who's shacking up with who on campus

    du.sex.where
    Good places on campus to have sex (I'm sure it'd be filled by guys
    thinking they're really original by posting "Hey girls, the best place
    to have sex is whereever I am ... duhh huh huh huh")

    du.sex.why
    A newsgroup for good people like myself that ask, "Why have sex when
    one can be studying?"

    du.sex.wanted
    A new cruising space.

    du.sex.wanted.urgent
    For those hard-pressed times.

    du.sex.announce
    For that post-coital boasting.

    du.sex.wanted.group
    For posting invitations.

    du.sex.safer
    The source for important information.

    du.sex.alone
    The safest kind of sex.

    Of course, sophomore year I really could have used:
    du.sex.roommates.are.really.loud.and.always.dont.wait.for.you.to.leave.the.room

    --
    Tom "Soon to be an Alum" Limoncelli '91
    tlimonce
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    NOTE: This is from my archive of mail from the mailing list of people who
    worked at the Drew computer Center. This one is full of in-jokes about the
    people who worked there at the time, but might still have some humor value
    to people who don't know any of the little peculiarities of the Ops back
    then. If you who are reading this happen to be someone who worked at the
    Computer Center during the spring of 1992, see how many of these people you
    can remember and what the joke means for each.

    From: ASGARD::MRICHICH "OFFICIAL Aide Station Morale Supervisor"
    26-MAR-1991 20:28:06.11
    To: @OPS
    CC:
    Subj: The sacred Easter Moose

    Neil, while the Easter Moose is a very important creature, there are other
    beings we might see on Easter...

    The Easter Joe -- Will have made duplicate copies of eggs the night before,
    drop the originals out the window, but will have forgotten to boil the
    backup eggs first, and thus the ink runs partially when he tries to boil
    them, which takes all the burners up and takes forever.

    The Easter Kean -- Have you seen his tan?

    The Easter Murrell -- Hides Nintendo cartridges.

    --Mike

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    And now, here are some new Easterbeings for 1992. By the way, no offense
    intended if none taken.

    The Easter Whaple -- forgets who gets the eggs.

    The Easter Paul -- throws the eggs at you.

    The Easter Deanna -- wants her eggs dyed exactly perfectly...one spot and
    she screams at you.

    The Easter Neil -- just lurks.

    The Easter Lorraine -- dyes eggs black and purple.

    The Easter Adam -- glues pieces of paper with the word "clueless" to eggs
    before breaking them...just BECAUSE.

    The Easter Jason -- always dyes the eggs late.

    The Easter Beth -- dyes eggs, all the while talking about how bad she is at
    it.

    The Easter Ray -- looks over your shoulder while you dye eggs.

    The Easter Lisa -- is really nice to eggs until she gets to know them; then
    she's mean to them.

    The Easter Bob -- will eat eggs, but only as a beer snack.

    The Easter Mike -- only dyes eggs in the server room.

    The Easter Rob -- excuses himself to go smoke an egg.

    The Easter Mariusz -- still working on an egg-dyeing algorithm.

    The Easter Nick -- will defend to the death an overly complex way of
    creating Easter eggs from scratch.

    The Easter Scott -- agrees with the Easter Beth that she doesn't know how
    to dye eggs.

    The Easter Karl -- takes pictures of other people's eggs.

    The Easter Tina -- paints the eggs when she's in a good mood, and then gets
    mad and breaks them.

    The Easter Dave -- enjoys it when his eggs come out better than everyone
    else's.

    The Easter Paul (Poe, that is) -- won't be delivering eggs due to his
    thesis.

    The Easter John -- writes letters telling how bad the eggs he has are.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    This has been a group effort by Paul, Karl, Tina, and the letter "Q."
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Letters to the Editor

    by Alan Meiss, ameiss@indiana.edu
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Dear Sir:

    I feel I must write to take exception to the disparaging tone evident in
    your coverage of the Sea Lamprey. Contrary to popular belief, Sea Lampreys
    are gentle and loving creatures, not the bloodthirsty "parasites" you make
    them out to be. I have 19 Lampreys I've raised from infancy, and they have
    enriched my life with their playful antics. As I write this, I am sitting
    in the tank of my seventh Lamprey, Bernice, who is attached to my shin. It
    is simply human ignorance which breeds fear of these creatures, for the
    anti-coagulent they secret makes their feeding painless, turning it into a
    loving communion between human and sea creature. I simply take ordinary
    precautions, such as not allowing them to attach to my eyeballs. Please,
    practice responsible journalism and dispel these cruel myths about an
    essential member of God's diverse creation.

    Sincerely,
    M.P.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Dear Editor,

    Please, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, print this letter!

    Thank you,
    J.H.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Dear Editor:

    I must point out a glaring error made in last Tuesday's obituary page. I am
    not, in fact, dead, as you reported. Nor is my name even Clarence Fenbrook,
    as you stated, it is Roger Wembly, and I am a spritely 52 years of age
    rather than the figure of 74 you printed. I am also neither a Shriner nor
    an enthusiast of Naval History as your piece reported. In fact, absolutely
    nothing at all in your article was correct! I believe you have a
    responsibility to the community to get your facts straight, and I hope you
    will do so in the future.

    Undeceasingly yours,
    Roger Wembly
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Dear Editor:

    My daughter & I had just finished a salad at Neiman-Marcus Cafe in Dallas &
    decided to have a small dessert. Because our family are such cookie lovers,
    we decided

    (*RIP* crumple, crumple)
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Dear Fellow Traveller,

    I must bring to your urgent attention a matter of the greatest importance.
    It has been brought to my attention by my friends residing on other worlds
    that our own Earth is in great jeopardy. Our continued persecution of the
    wise Cetaceans and gentle Yeti has required the Solar Nations of the
    Pleides Federation to direct towards our world a Great Energy Field of
    Spiritual Negation. All conscious beings of our world must take action
    immediately to ward off the danger. We must center our Energy Chakras with
    a combination of ginseng tea and amber light therapy, place a rose quartz
    crystal quite firmly in each nostril, and retain all bodily wastes in
    carefully indexed pyramidal containers. Please, take heed, and alert your
    readers.

    Yours in the 7th Atlantean Astral Plane of Aquarius,
    J.W.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Dear Friends,

    My name is Dave Rhodes. In September 1988 my car was reposessed and the
    bill collect

    (*RIP* crumple crumple *BANG* *BANG* *BANG*)
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Dear OPPessor of the Podunkese-American PeoPle:

    It is with the greatest outrage that I write to you over the continued
    victimization of my People, the Noble Podunkese- Americans. You daily
    assault our dignity with your lack of ProPer coverage of Podunkese-American
    achievements. I have yet to see any mention of the True Facts of our
    discovery of the telePhone, mathematics, and ancient voyages to Vens. I
    demand that this bigotry and marginalization of the Podunkese cease
    immediately, and that henceforth you accord us our ProPer dignity by
    caPitalizing at all times the letter P in recognition of our true sPiritual
    stature.

    Teacher of Truth,
    RalPh Podunkus
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Dear Ed:

    Yes, that's right, I simply called you Ed, rather than Editor. How did it
    feel? Did you not feel belittled? Small? Well, that is how I felt the
    preceding Wednesday, when, in your coverage of my (false) arrest for
    mopery, you simply abbreviated my name as "L. G. Smith." This terse
    monicker insults the dignity of my true Christian name and the honor of my
    sainted parents who bestowed it upon me. It is indeed a sad day when your
    reckless haste to grab a "scoop" outweighs the respect you owe to those you
    cover.

    Sincerely,
    Lord Grand High Poobah Chancellor Of The Exchequer Phineas Edwardo Ponce De
    Leon Brouhaha Naughty Bits Pinchwiggle Smith III
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    [email]

    EEL

    Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age rather curious.
    He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and
    he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question
    to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to
    Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his
    older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny
    described everything to his mother.

    'Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most
    of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured Sis must
    be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have
    thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her
    heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the
    doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.

    'I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started
    panting and gettin all out of breath. His other hand must of been cold
    because he put it under her skirt. About this time Sis got worse and began
    to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the
    couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis
    told him she felt really hot.

    'Finally, I found out what was making them so sick-- a big eel had gotten
    inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there,
    about 10 inches long, honest anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it
    from getting away.

    'When Sis saw it, she got really scared -- her eyes got big, and her mouth
    fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said
    it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones
    down at the lake.

    'Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off.
    All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he
    took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep
    it from biting again.

    'Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor -- lock on it
    and he helped by lying on top of the eel.

    'The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and
    her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel
    by squashing it between them.

    'After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend
    got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung
    there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out.

    'Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went
    back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By
    golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight
    again. I guess eels are like cats -- they have nine lives or something.

    'This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After a 35
    minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I
    saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.'
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his
    tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand
    this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they
    receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat.

    --Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    50 Things To Do in an Elevator

    1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
    2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other
    passengers.
    3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up,
    dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
    4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
    5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
    6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the
    elevator.
    7. Shave.
    8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got
    enough air in there?"
    9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours
    upside-down.
    10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without
    getting off.
    11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open,
    then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
    12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
    13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask
    them to call you Admiral.
    14. One word: Flatulence!
    15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open
    until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the
    bottom.
    16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
    17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce:
    "I've got new socks on!"
    18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now,
    damn motion sickness!"
    19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
    20. Meow occasionally.
    21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
    22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
    23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
    24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
    25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
    26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
    27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of
    THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
    28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
    29. Leave a box between the doors.
    30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
    31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
    32. Start a sing-along.
    33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
    34. Play the harmonica.
    35. Shadow box.
    36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
    37. Lean against the button panel.
    38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
    39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
    40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other
    passengers that this is your "personal space."
    41. Bring a chair along.
    42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in
    muh mouf?"
    43. Blow spit bubbles.
    44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
    45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
    46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
    47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
    48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
    49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
    50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    NASA'S GALILEO PROBE FINDS NO EVIDENCE FOR ELVIS ON EARTH

    The Galileo science team today announced that the spacecraft's instruments
    failed to find any new traces of Elvis Presley during its flyby of Earth
    last December 8th.

    "It's a tough background subtraction problem," explained Dr. Edward B. Rock
    of Caltech. "We know the planet contains several thousand Elvis imitators.
    You have to distinguish the real thing from many objects of similar
    apperance."

    The method used involved interdisciplinary comparison from several of
    Galileo's sensors. "For example, an Elvis imitator would have a very
    similar appearance to Elvis in the SSI [Solid State Imaging] and NIMS [Near
    Infrared Mapping Spectrometer] data," said Dr. Graham Finale. "But no
    imitator has Elvis's magnetism." Researchers combined data from Galileo's
    sensitive magnetometer, mounted on a 36-foot (11 meter) boom, with optical,
    infrared, and ultraviolet measurements. They are capable of identifying a
    single genuine Elvis among all the other features of Earth's landscape.
    This is a very sensitive technique-- a feat equivalent to standing in St.
    Joseph, Missouri, and distinguishing a jellybean in a bowl of amphetamines
    in Memphis.

    Galileo investigators were cautious about ruling out the possible existence
    of Elvis. "We can only set an upper limit," said Dr. Rock. "And we're
    guessing to some extent at the profile we're looking for. If Elvis has lost
    weight, for instance, he'd have a different infrared signature." According
    to the science team, there are 0.21 plus or minus 0.17 Elvises on Earth, a
    number described as "consistent with zero."

    Though speculation has been published in some journals that evidence for
    Elvis might exist on other planets and moons in our solar system, most
    scientists agree that Earth is the most likely place to find him. "If, as
    the new results suggest, there's no Elvis on Earth," said Dr. Torrance
    California, "this lends weight to the supposition that he really is dead."

    ----- End Forwarded Message -----

    Which reminds me.....

    In some article summarizing the significance of 1990, I did see a quote
    from a psychic to the effect that "It was more likely that Elvis was alive
    this year than it has been for the past several years." Perhaps the .21
    Elvises found by the Galileo probe is only a harbinger of greater numbers
    of Elvises to come. *GASP* *shock* NOOOOOOOOOOO.......!!!!!!!!!

    ;-)

    "This life is only a test. If it had been a real life, you would have been
    given instructions."
    --Grant.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    EEC English

    Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European
    Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving
    efficiency in communications between Government departments.

    European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is
    unnecessarily difficult - for example, cough, plough, rough, through and
    thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron
    out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a
    committee staff at top level by participating nations.

    In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's'
    instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would
    resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k'
    sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up
    konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made
    with one less letter.

    There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it kould be
    announsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'. This
    would make words like 'fotograf' twenty per sent shorter in print.

    In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
    reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible. Governments
    would enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a
    deterent to akurate speling.

    We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is
    disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as
    though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem
    began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'.
    Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after
    al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o' kould be dropd from
    words kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer
    kombinations of leters.

    Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl
    riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and
    evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of the Guvermnt vud
    finali hav kum tru.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books

    Chocolate Chip Cookies:

    Ingredients:

    1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten
    2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
    3.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite
    4.) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
    5.) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
    6.) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
    7.) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
    8.) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
    9.) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
    10.) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

    To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat
    transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two
    and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a
    radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six,
    and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient
    eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor
    #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant
    agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any
    temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

    Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture
    piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a
    period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order
    rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the
    reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table,
    allowing the product to come to equilibrium.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his
    dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer - you're in the wrong place." So
    the engineer reports to the gates of Hell and is let in. Pretty soon the
    engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell and starts
    designing and building improvements. After a while they've got air
    conditioning and flush toilets and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

    One day God calls Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's
    it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great.
    We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and there's no telling what
    this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've
    got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there.
    Send him up here." Satan says, "No way, I like having an engineer on the
    staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
    Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU
    going to get a lawyer?"
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
    Origination: HUMOR Mailing List
    Originator: Charlie Indelicato (CharlieIn@AOL.COM)
    Original Subject: Musings on the English Language
    Date: Wed, 25 Oct 1995 15:36:10 -0400
    =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

    Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant
    nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins
    weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are
    candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

    We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
    quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
    neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

    And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
    groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the
    plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One
    index, 2 indices?

    Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you
    comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch
    of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

    If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats
    vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps
    you bote your tongue?

    Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum
    for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and
    play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that
    run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

    How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and
    wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while
    quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell
    one day and cold as hell another.

    Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are
    absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a
    sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who
    was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those
    people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

    You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house
    can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out
    and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.

    English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
    creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That
    is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are
    out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but
    when I wind up this essay, I end it.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Tech Support for Etch-A-Sketch(tm)

    Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has a distorted display. What should I do?
    A: Pick it up and shake it.

    Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has these funny little lines all over the screen.
    A: Pick it up and shake it.

    Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
    A: Pick it up and shake it. Set it down.

    Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has lines that prevent me from doing my art project.
    A: Pick it up and shake it.

    Q: How do I delete a document from my Etch-A-Sketch?
    A: Pick it up and shake it.

    Q: How do I keep from losing my Etch-A-Sketch document?
    A: Stop shaking it.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    [email]

    FB

    From: Jennifer_Palmer_at_PIT1@mercer.com
    Subject:Fake Blondes:
    Date: Mon, 16 Oct 95 19:30:05 EDT

    A few friends and I were discussing the correlation between stupidity and
    bleached-blonde hair a while back, and I though that this might get a
    chuckle out of the more academic types out there. I did acquire the
    permission of the original author of the "paper" before sending it off to
    you.

    From: IN%"EBERWEIN@HEPS.Lan.McGill.CA" "Prof. Curtis Eberwein"
    To: IN%"HKAST1@vms.cis.pitt.edu"
    Subj: RE: hey you

    I think I have an answer for your deep research question. We begin by
    assuming (or more appropriately we take as an axiom) that dumbness, d, is
    an increasing function of fake blondness, fb. That is, d=F(fb). This could
    be caused by peroxide fumes, excessive poofing--known in the literature as
    EP--or brain damage resulting from too many stupid come-on lines
    (ToMSCOLs). All we say at this point is that F is strictly increasing and
    twice (or maybe even thrice) differentiable.

    On the other hand--or should we say scalp--dumbness may have a causal
    effect on fake blondness, viz. individuals who possess high values of
    dumbness may be more prone to undertake fake blondness. We call this the
    propensity to fake blondness. That is fb=G(d) where G is an increasing
    function satisfying the same conditions as F, possibly a few more too. A
    solution then requires that both d=F(fb) and fb=G(d) simultaneously. That
    is d=F(G(d)) or equivilently fb=G(F(fb)). As is well known, the
    Some-Russian-Guy-with-a-Really-Long-Name Theorem implies that a F(G()) and
    G(F()) will have fixed points if we can restrict attention to compact sets
    (ones that hold lipstick, eye shadow, etc.). These are closed and bounded
    sets. Here we have a difficulty because, while dumbness may be closed, we
    all know that it is unbounded--no matter how dumb people get, they can
    always get dumber. Fortunately, we can get out of this difficulty by
    transforming fake blondness to the Revlon Topology. This makes fake
    blondness fall in a compact set by having the makeup stored in the hair.
    This assures us that a Fake Blondness Equilibrium (FBE) exists.

    Fortuantely, our theory has absolutely no predictions or empirical content,
    so nobody can prove us wrong.

    To complete the paper, we have a few closing remarks. First, further
    research can be applied in many areas. For example, does excessive use of
    perfume cause dumbness through olfactory attrition or does dumbness just
    cause excessive use of perfume? Finally, since this paper is written by a
    single person to whom does "we" refer anyway? We will take up these
    important and interesting issues in future research since doing it here
    would make for a smaller vita.

    Curtis J. Eberwein
    Somewhere North of Plattsburgh
    Sometime in the 20th Century
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    From: bwehr@ford.com (Bruce Wehr)
    Subject:Additional research on FBS (Fake Blonde Syndrome)
    Date: Tue, 24 Oct 95 3:20:17 EDT

    Responding to the research on Fake Blondes posted here earlier, a
    co-worker, Don Reeck, adds:

    Gee, kind of a restrictive treatise on the FB phenomonon. It totally fails
    to include causative effects outside of the experimental scope of his
    theory. For example, it has already been proven (refer to the Journal of TV
    Advertising, circa 1967 or the Journal of Irreproduceable Results, 1984)
    that one characteristic of the larger set B (blondes) is that they have
    More Fun. (MF is proportional to B, with the limit being reached when B
    approaches TB, or Totally Blonde)

    However, MF may itself depend on another factor, MTL, or Male Testosterone
    Level. As MTL increases, the attraction for B or FB increases. In other
    words, in high testosterone cases, the tendency to seek out blondes wishing
    to have more fun increases. ((author's note: this is where the logic gets a
    little fuzzy, as it will in any biological experiment, and traditional
    mathematics fails to adequately model the phenomonon) The connection is
    therefore obvious, it is really the MTL factor that tends to dominate the
    energy, or forcing, function in this reaction. It should be obvious that FB
    would not occur by itself; ie. there is no forcing function in either of
    the proposed equations ( d=F(b), or fb=G(d) ). In other words, there is no
    concentration gradient in d=F(b) that would skew the results towards B in
    preference to R or Bl or any other possible outcome.

    One obvious result of this research is that the original work must be put
    to the test. Does the MF equation really hold? If it does, then the next
    questions would logically be as follow: Why does MTL cause the phenomonon
    known as "Gentlemen prefer blondes"? Does MF correlate more strongly with
    the condition of the F-factor (female being blonde) or the M-factor (high
    MTL men prefer blondes) or even the A-factor (advertising can make us
    believe really stupid things). This, then, brings us full circle to again
    consider the relationship of D (dumbness) as it relates to the three
    factors (M,F,A) and to the original postulate, d=F(fb). My hypothesis is
    that the d-factor most strongly affects, or is affected by, male
    testosterone level. In fact, empirical evidence strongly suggests that d
    and MTL show an exponential correlation; ie. dumbness increases
    exponentially as MTL increases. This evidence is widely available in such
    respected Journals as Inside Sports, Sport Magazine, Boxing Today, and
    Sports Illustrated as well as in television documentaries such as Monday
    Night Football, to name but a few.

    Left unexplored in this treatise is the question of why females are
    attracted to, and wish to please, men with high MTL. If this question can
    be answered, we will be a long way towards explaining the fb syndrome.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and
    International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME; the author who
    introduces the story swears it's true.

    FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was
    under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing
    thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an
    appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza
    parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

    The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI
    because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

    Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.

    Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

    Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

    Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

    Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

    Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

    Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

    Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

    Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors.
    We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service
    entrance to deliver the pizzas.

    Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

    Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

    Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

    Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

    Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

    Agent: I have my checkbook right here.

    Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

    Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to
    bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the
    front doors locked.

    Pizza Man: I don't think so.

    [Click]
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    [Editor's Note: This was forwarded to me. I don't know the original author,
    but I've left her intro intact because I think it is funny as well.] As you
    all know, we have a heck of a time keeping track of the feminist agenda. I
    know I keep losing it. Evidently I didn't read it very well because Pat
    Robertson was quoted as saying it is in the agenda that we leave our
    husbands, kill our children, and become lesbians. My husband will be a
    little bummed about the lesbian part, but it does make sense about why I
    never have seen any children around the house. I don't ever remember
    reading that part, but why would Pat Robertson lie?

    Anyway, here's our new agenda.

    FEMINIST AGENDA

    0800 - 0815 Introduction, Opening Remarks
    0815 - 0915 Plot to Overthrow World Leadership
    0915 - 0930 BREAK - Coffee and donuts
    0930 - 1030 Undermine World Religions
    1030 - 1200 General Attacks on the Institution of the American Family
    1200 - 1300 Catered Lunch and Fashion Show
    1300 - 1330 Plot to Remove All Men From The World
    1330 - 1400 BREAK - Cake and Champagne
    1400 - 1500 Leave Husbands (If Applicable)
    1500 - 1530 Kill Children
    1530 - 1700 Become Lesbian
    1730+ Evening Mixer; Open Bar
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    50 Fun Things To Do in a Final That Does Not Matter (i.e. you are going to
    fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam)

    1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes.
    Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work.
    Turn it in a few minutes early.

    2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the
    secret documents!!"

    3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long
    answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the
    integral symbol.

    4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left
    nostril.

    5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your
    answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure
    you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the
    instructor is.

    6. Bring cheerleaders.

    7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say
    to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every
    lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you?
    Where's the regular guy?"

    8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max
    level.

    9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to
    refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this
    question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be
    creative.

    10. Bring pets.

    11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of
    relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the
    country" and run off.

    12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into
    very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas."
    If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the
    first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

    13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

    14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head,
    and nothing else.

    15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as
    vulgar as possible.

    16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one
    up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

    17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame
    it on the person nearest to you.

    18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

    19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping
    your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them
    stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the
    profits if they are allowed to stay.

    20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another
    seat, continue with the exam.

    21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out,
    start commenting on how easy it was.

    22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it
    is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE.
    etc...).

    23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers
    completely blacked out.

    24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently,
    scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.

    25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor
    that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to
    go drink)

    26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during
    the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

    27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why,
    tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above
    my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

    28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

    29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on
    a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until
    they drag you away.

    30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the
    class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you
    belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right
    to take the exam.

    31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you
    don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives
    is on!!!"

    32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

    33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the
    instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave
    one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River
    Kwai.

    34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

    35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you
    could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations.
    If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

    36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

    37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the
    exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

    38. Bring cheat sheets TO ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like
    history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing,
    you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the
    comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."

    39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

    40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any
    question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

    41. One word: Wrestlemania.

    42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do
    before concerts start.

    43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

    44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

    45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray
    to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

    46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to
    you every few minutes throughout the exam.

    47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs,
    anything you can reach.

    48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90
    degree angle.

    49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are
    asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student
    Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on
    musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you
    so".

    50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks"
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Twas the night before finals,
    And all through the college,
    The students were praying
    For last minute knowledge.

    Most were quite sleepy
    But none touched their beds,
    While visions of essays
    Danced in their heads.

    Out in the taverns,
    A few were still drinking,
    And hoping that liquor
    Would loosen their thinking.

    In my own dorm room,
    I had been pacing,
    And dreading exams
    I soon would be facing.

    My roommate was speechless,
    His nose in his books,
    And my comments to him
    Drew unfriendly looks.

    I drained all the coffee,
    And brewed a new pot,
    No longer caring
    That my nerves were all shot.

    I stared at my notes
    But my thoughts were all muddy
    My eyes went a blur,
    I just couldn't study.

    "Some pizza might help,"
    I thought with a shiver,
    But each place that I called
    Refused to deliver.

    I'd nearly concluded
    That life was too cruel,
    With futures depending
    On grades had in school.

    When all of a sudden,
    Our door opened wide,
    And Patron Saint Put It Off
    Ambled inside.

    His spirit was careless,
    His manner was mellow,
    He looked straight at me,
    And started to bellow:

    "What kind of student
    Would make such a fuss
    To toss back at teachers
    What they tossed at us?"

    "On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes!
    On Last Year's Exams!
    On Wingit and Slingit,
    And Last Minute Crams!"

    His message delivered,
    He vanished from sight,
    But we heard him laughing
    Outside in the night.

    "Your teachers have pegged you,
    So just do your best.
    Happy Finals to All,
    And to all a good test."
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off
    for awhile searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he
    approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely.

    He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found
    the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver, your body tenses, but
    he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and
    tells you to trust him -- he's done this many times before. His cool smile
    relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance.

    You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time,
    wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer,
    going deeper, you feel the tissue give way, pain surges throughout your
    body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at
    you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with
    tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins moving in
    and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a
    few frenzied moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls
    it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and
    smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle, that you have been his most
    stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist.
    After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    One rainy night, a priest walked into a hotel and asked for a room. About
    an hour later there was a knock on his door. "Quick, Quick!", screamed the
    hotel manager. "There's a terrible flood happening. Get yourself out into
    the rescue boat before you drown!" But the priest remained calm. "The Lord
    is my Saviour, and He will save me."

    Not long afterwards, the water had risen to the second floor. A second boat
    sailed past the priest's window and the captain looked inside. "Good God
    man, jump in here before you die!", the captain screamed. "The Lord is my
    Saviour, He will save me."

    Soon enough, the flood raged higher and higher, until the priest was forced
    out onto the hotel roof. A nearby helicopter saw the man's plight and
    dangled a rope ladder down to him. "Hurry up!", yelled the pilot. "Grab
    onto the rope!". The priest smiled. "The Lord is my Saviour, He will..."

    All of a sudden, a gigantic lightning bolt struck the priest in the head.
    Next thing he knew, the priest was at the gates of heaven, seated before
    God himself. "My Lord!", he wailed. "Why did you forsake me?" "Forsake you!
    I sent you two boats and a helicopter, didn't I?"
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    [email]

    FLY

    There is a fly over the river. There is a fish in the river. The fish says,
    "if the fly drops six inches, I'll jump and grab it." There is a bear
    behind a tree. The bear says, "if the fly drops six inches, the fish will
    jump and grab the fly and I'll catch the fish." There is a hunter on the
    other bank. The hunter says, "if the fly drops six inches, the fish will
    jump and grab the fly, the bear will come from behind the tree and catch
    the fish and I will shoot the bear." There is a mouse behind the hunter.
    The mouse says, "if the fly drops six inches, the fish will grab the fly,
    the bear will catch the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear and I will eat
    the hunter's sandwich." There is a cat in the bush behind the mouse. The
    cat says, "if the fly drops six inches, the fish will grab the fly, the
    bear will catch the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the mouse will
    eat the hunter's sandwich and I will catch the mouse." The fly drops six
    inches. The fish jumps and grabs the fly. The bear comes from behind the
    tree and catches the fish. The hunter shoots the bear. The mouse eats the
    hunter's sandwich. The cat jumps, misses the mouse and falls into the
    river.

    MORAL:

    When a fly drops six inches, a pussy is bound to get wet!
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Obviously, Football is a syndrome of religious rites symbolizing the
    struggle to preserve the Egg of Life through the rigors of impending
    winter. The rites begin at the Autumn Equinox and culminate on the first
    day of the New Year, with great festivals identified with bowls of plenty.
    The festivals are associated with flowers such as roses; fruits such as
    oranges; farm crops such as cotton; and even sun-worship and appeasement of
    great reptiles such as alligators.

    In these rites, the Egg of Life is symbolized by what is called "The Oval",
    an inflated bladder covered with hog skin. The convention of "The Oval" is
    repeated in the architectural oval-shaped design of the vast outdoor
    churches in which the services are held every sabbath in every town and
    city. Also every Sunday in the greater centers of population where an
    advanced priesthood performs. These enormous churches dominate every
    college campus; no other edifice compares in size with them, and they bear
    witness to the high spiritual development of the culture that produced
    them.

    Literally millions of worshipers attend the sabbath services in these
    open-air churches. Subconsciously, these hordes are seeking an outlet from
    sexual frustration in anticipation of violent masochism and sadism about to
    be enacted by a highly trained priesthood of young men. Football obviously
    arises out of the Oedipus complex. Love of mother dominates the entire
    ritual. (Notre Dame and Football are synonymous).

    The rites are preformed on a green rectangular area orientated to the four
    directions. The green area, symbolizing Summer, is striped with ominous
    white lines representing the knifing snows of Winter. The white stripes are
    repeated in the ceremonial costumes of the four whistling monitors who
    control the services through a time period divided into four quarters,
    symbolizing the four Seasons.

    The ceremony begins with colorful processions of musicians and semi-nude
    virgins who move in and out of ritualized patterns. This excites the
    thousands of worshipers to rise from their seats, shout frenzied poetry in
    unison and chant ecstatic anthems through which runs the Oedipus theme of
    willingness to die for the love of mother.

    The actual rites, performed by 22 young priests of perfect physique, might
    appear to the uninitiated as a chaotic conflict concerned only with hurting
    the Oval by kicking it, then endeavoring to rescue and protect the Egg.

    However, the procedure is highly stylized. On each side there are eleven
    young men wearing colorful and protective costumes. The group in so-called
    "possession" of the Oval first arrange themselves in an egg-shaped
    "huddle," as it is called, for a moment of prayerful meditation and
    whispering of secret numbers to each other.

    Then they rearrange themselves with relation to the position of the Egg. In
    a typical "formation" there are seven priests "on the line," seven being a
    mystical number associated not, as Jung purists might contend, with the
    "seven last words" but actually, with sublimation of the "seven deadly
    sins" into "the seven cardinal principles of education."

    The central priest crouches over the Egg, protecting it with his hands,
    while over his back quarters hovers the "Quarterback." The transposition of
    "back quarters" to "quarterback" is easily explained by the Adler School.
    To the layman the curious posture assumed by the "Quarterback," as he
    hovers over the central priest, immediately suggests the Cretan origins of
    Mycenaean animal art, but this popular view is untenable. Actually, of
    course, the "quarter-back" symbolizes the libido, combining two instincts,
    namely, a) Eros, which strives for even closer union, and b) the instinct
    for destruction of anything which lies in the path of Eros. Moreover, the
    "pleasure-pain" excitement of the hysterical worshipers focuses entirely on
    the actions of the libido-quarter-back. Behind him are three priests
    representing the male triad.

    At a given signal, the Egg is passed by sleight-of-hand to one of the
    members of the triad who endeavors to move it by bodily force across the
    white lines of Winter. This procedure up and down the enclosure, continues
    through the four quarters of the ritual.

    At the end of the second quarter, implying the Summer Slostice, the
    processions of musicians and semi-nude virgins are resumed. After forming
    themselves into pictograms representing alphabetical and animal fetishes,
    the virgins perform a most curious rite requiring far more dexterity than
    the earlier phallic Maypole rituals from which it seems to be derived. Each
    of the virgins carries a wand of shining metal which she spins on her
    fingertips, tosses playfully into the air, and with which she interweaves
    her body in most intricate gyrations.

    The virgins perform another important function throughout the entire
    service. This concerns the mystical rite of "conversion" following success
    of one of the young priests in carrying the Oval across the last white line
    of Winter. As the moment of "conversion" approaches, the virgins kneel at
    the edge of the rectangle, bury their faces in the earth, then raise their
    arms to heaven in supplication, praying that "the uprights will be split."
    "Conversion" is indeed a dedicated ceremony.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    [Editor's Note: These are apparently true quotes (I say apparently because
    I haven't personally verified them), by famous people, most of whom,
    scarily enough, hold public office. Be afraid...be very afraid.]

    "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
    --David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed
    to pay his taxes.

    "They gave me a book of checks. They didn't ask for any deposits."
    -- Congressman Joe Early (D-Mass) at a press conference to answer questions
    about the House Bank Scandal.

    "He didn't say that. He was reading what was given to him in a speech."
    -- Richard Darman, director of OMB, explaining why President Bush wasn't
    following up on his campaign pledge that there would be no loss of
    wetlands.

    "It depends on your definition of asleep. They were not stretched out. They
    had their eyes closed. They were seated at their desks with their heads in
    a nodding position."
    -- John Hogan, Commonwealth Edison Supervisor of News Information,
    responding to a charge by a Nuclear Regulatory Commission inspector that
    two Dresden Nuclear Plant operators were sleeping on the job.

    "I didn't accept it. I received it."
    -- Richard Allen, National Security Advisor to President Reagan, explaining
    the $1000 in cash and two watches he was given by two Japanese journalists
    after he helped arrange a private interview for them with First Lady Nancy
    Reagan.

    "I was a pilot flying an airplane and it just so happened that where I was
    flying made what I was doing spying."
    -- Francis Gary Power, U-2 reconnaissance pilot held by the Soviets for
    spying, in an interview after he was returned to the US.

    "I was under medication when I made the decision not to burn the tapes."
    -- President Richard Nixon

    "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your
    life."
    -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal
    anti-smoking campaign.

    "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
    -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

    "I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially
    members of the House and members of the Senate."
    -- Vice-President Dan Quayle

    "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
    the country."
    -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

    "Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of
    something else anyway."
    -- Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane.

    "Are you any relation to your brother Marv?"
    -- Leon Wood, New Jersey Nets guard, to Steve Albert, Nets TV commentator.

    "Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be
    discontinued... Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired
    on January 1, 1976."
    -- Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid

    "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history... this
    century's history.... We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this
    century."
    -- Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential
    candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the
    Holocaust.

    "In the early sixties, we were strong, we were virulent..."
    -- John Connally, Secretary of Treasury under Richard Nixon, in an early
    seventies speech, as reported in a contemporary "American Scholar".

    "Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself."
    -- Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator".

    "The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them
    unsafe."
    -- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.

    "I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly
    underpolluted."
    -- Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we
    should export toxic wastes to Third World countries.

    "The crime bill passed by the Senate would reinstate the Federal death
    penalty for certain violent crimes: assassinating the President; hijacking
    an airliner; and murdering a government poultry inspector."
    -- Knight Ridder News Service dispatch

    "After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the
    school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David
    Steele to the post."
    -- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington Rhode Island.

    "The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."
    -- Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball
    in the 1934 World Series.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    From: Bill Ridgway (bill@macwlr.gsfc.nasa.gov)
    Subject: a good times parody

    Forwarded from an author unknown....
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Subject: Free Money!!!

    There is a computer virus that is being sent across the Internet. If you
    receive an e-mail message with the subject line "Free Money," DO NOT read
    the message. DELETE it immediately, UNPLUG your computer, then BURN IT to
    ASHES in a government-approved toxic waste disposal INCINERATOR.

    Once a computer is infected, it will be TOO LATE. Your computer will begin
    to emit a vile ODOR. Then it will secrete a foul, milky DISCHARGE. Verily,
    it shall SCREECH with the tortured, monitor-shattering SCREAM of 1,000
    hell-scorched souls, drawing unwanted attention to your cubicle from
    co-workers and supervisors alike. After violently ripping itself from the
    wall, your computer will punch through your office window as it STREAKS
    into the night, HOWLING like a BANSHEE. Once free, it will spend the rest
    of its days CRUSHING household PETS and MOCKING the POPE.

    Some filthy, disgusting miscreant... some no-good, low-down,
    good-for-nothing DIRTY SNAKE, in twisted pursuit of his own sadistic
    dreams, is sending this virus across the Net via an e-mail entitled "Free
    Money." What is so terrifying about this virus is that you do not even to
    have to open the e-mail for it to activate. In fact, you do not even need
    to RECEIVE the e-mail. You do not even need to OWN a COMPUTER. "Free Money"
    can infect even minor HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCES.

    How it does this with straight ASCII code is, franky, a matter of some
    debate... but BELIEVE YOU US, if this weren't a SERIOUS situation, WE
    WOULDN'T BE DISCUSSING IT IN 'ALL CAPS'.

    So for the LOVE OF GOD, forward this e-mail to all those you claim to care
    about, all those you purport to love. Don't do it later! Do it NOW! Now!
    Now! NOW! NOW! NOW!
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Three friars were banished from their monastary for various rule
    violations, so they decided to start a business together. They travelled
    around until they found a town that they liked, and opened up a plant shop.
    Their floral business was soon thriving.

    One day, a woman was shopping at the friar's store, and while she was
    strolling down an aisle with her toddler, a large plant reached out,
    grabbed the child, and ate it. Needless to say, the women was quite upset
    at the loss of her child. However, the friars refused to believe that one
    of their plants could have done such a thing. The woman told all of her
    friends about the incident, and soon everyone in the town was in an uproar.
    They decided to kick the friars out of town. Every person in the town,
    except for a man named Hugh, gathered outside of the friars shop, shouting,
    waving sticks, and demanding that they leave. But the friars said "No.
    We're not leaving". So the townspeople gave up and went home.

    Well, a couple weeks later, another woman was walking through the friar's
    shop, looking at plants with her baby, when a plant grabbed her child and
    ate it. She ran through the streets screaming that a plant had swallowed
    her baby. The townspeople were outraged, and again gathered outside the
    floral shop (except for Hugh), waving torches, and demanding that the
    friars leave town at once. But the friars said, "No way." and all the
    people gave up and went home.

    A few days later, yet another woman dared to take her child into the floral
    shop. She held her infant tightly in her arms, but it was no use. A large
    ficus wrestled the child from her arms, and ate it.

    When the townspeople heard of this, they were extremely upset. They again
    gathered outside the friar's store (except for Hugh), yelling and
    threatening bodily harm to the friars if they didn't leave town. But the
    friars said, "We're staying". So, the citizens gave up and began to go
    home. Just then, Hugh showed up. He walked up to the friars, and said, "Get
    out of town, now!". The friars immediately packed up all their belongings
    and fled that very day, never to be heard from again.

    The moral of this story is: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    From: IN%"DBIONDI@drew.bitnet" 13-APR-1992 19:24:21.45

    Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English
    language is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word, which, just by its
    sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love and hate. In language, "fuck"
    falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both
    transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John).
    It can be an active verb (John really gives a fuck) or a passive verb (Mary
    really doesn't give a fuck); or an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in
    John), and as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can be used as an
    adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful). As you can see, there are very few
    words with the versatility of "fuck".

    Besides its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to
    describe many situations:


    Greetings How the fuck are you?
    Fraud I got fucked by the car dealer.
    Dismay Oh, fuck it!
    Trouble Well, I guess I'm fucked now.
    Aggression Fuck you.
    Disgust Fuck me.
    Confusion What the fuck...?
    Difficulty I don't understand this fucking business.
    Despair Fucked again.
    Incompetence He fucks up everything.
    Displeasure What the fuck is going on here?
    Lost Where the fuck are we?
    Disbelief Unfuckingbelieveable.
    Retaliation Up your fucking ass.
    Telling time I have to work till 5 o-fucking-clock.

    It can be used in an anatomical description -- "He's a fucking asshole."
    It can be used to tell time -- "It's five fucking thirty."
    It can be used in business -- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
    It can be maternal -- as in "Motherfucker".
    It can be political -- "Fuck George Bush."

    And, never forget General Custer's last words: "Where did all them fucking
    Indians come from?"

    Or the Mayor of Hiroshima: "What the fuck was that?"

    And last, but not least, the immortal words of the Captain of the Titanic:
    "Where is all this fucking water coming from?"

    The mind fairly boggles at the many creative uses of the word. How can
    anyone be offended when you say fuck?

    Use it frequently in your daily speech; it adds to your prestige.

    Today - say to someone "Fuck You!"
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    NOTE: "Gamma" is a now-retired VAX 6000-series which was the main campus
    machine for Drew University -- the one all students had an account on. When
    you logged into the system, the login notes showed a cheesy ASCII
    representation of the Greek letter gamma, which also resembled a gallows.
    As for the rest of the in-jokes in here, I couldn't even begin to explain
    them all, so I won't even try. Chances are if you're a Drew student you'll
    get some of this; if you're a Drew alum from the classes of '90-'93, you'll
    get all of it. If you have no Drew affiliation, it's still worth reading,
    although few of the places and names will mean much to you.

    From: mrichich (Mike Richichi)
    Newsgroups: du.questions.computer
    Subject: Re: Login.com with DCL from the menu.
    Date: 9 Mar 90 01:15:14 GMT

    pcoen@drunivac.drew.edu (Paul Coen) writes:
    > Sort of:
    > Here's what happens when you log onto Gamma.
    > your process gets started, then just before you get a $ or whatever,
    > it runs SYS$MANAGER:SYLOGIN.COM which sets up symbols and stuff that
    > we want everyone to have. Actually, sylogin.com is so important that
    > one runs two identical copies of it when one logs into gamma.
    > (Actually, that's not the real reason--the real reason for running it
    > twice is that the person who did the final install, [you-know-who],
    > doesn't know what he's doing.)
    > The last step in the second copy of sylogin.com is the running of the
    > menus.
    > Normal behavior for VMS is to run the login.com following the
    > execution of the sylogin.com. Therefore, when you exit the menu, you
    > exit the sylogin, and your login.com gets run. Make sense?

    Actually, Paul's not quite entirely right. This is what happens:

    1) You get the wonderful little "Welcome to Node Gamma" message with a
    picture of a gallows. You type in a valid username and password, and
    then...

    2) There are a row of steel ball bearings in a rail on top of Gamma in the
    Network Center. One of these is released and begins rolling around on
    specially designed tracks about the Network Center.

    3) The DECtalk interface calls the System Manager, who then walks from his
    office and loads the tape with your account on it so you can log in.

    4) He gets this wrong and has to do it again.

    5) The ball bearing reaches a wall switch, flicking it and turning it on.
    The switch controls the disk drive that your account is put on after the
    tape copies it over.

    6) Once again, DECtalk calls the University Chaplain, who says a
    wonderfully succinct, beautiful, eloquent and earth-shaking prayer wishing
    that your session on Gamma is free from harm, that you meet wonderful
    people on Relay, that you find the books you want, and that no one is
    calling for your resignation on NEWS.

    7) By this time, your account is safely on disk, and now you start running
    the system command file that controls things. It sets up all kinds of
    things, like where the menu files are, how to get to the library, the
    address of the nearest 7-Eleven, and your vital statistics.

    8) A carrier pigeon takes off with a message tied to its leg. It lands 30
    minutes later at NJIT, where Electric Monks frantically transcribe your
    messages into their computer. This is BITNET.

    9) Repeat step 7.

    10) The "all lines busy" man tries to log in, but can't.

    11) For no readily apparent reason (but, believe me, if they didn't none of
    this would work), everyone in Alternate Mead removes their clothing.

    12) Repeat step 7.

    13) Gamma calls 3556 and suddenly, you get the Drew Menu.

    14) A temporal vortex opens up inside Gamma, taking All-In-One (just
    kidding).

    15) Repeat step 12.

    16) The ball bearing is returned to the top of the stack, the System
    manager stumbles back to his office, the Chaplain continues being holy, the
    carrier pigeon returns, the "all lines busy" man gets busy doing something
    else, everyone in Alternate Mead puts their clothing back on (thankfully),
    and a temporal vortex opens up inside Gamma, taking All-In-One (just
    kidding again).

    17) You see what you usually see when you log in.

    That's about it.

    --Mike
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Newsgroups: bit.listserv.nutworks
    Subject: Can't fly if you're Gay
    From: sybase!davidvc@sun.com (David Van Couvering)
    Date: 26 Apr 92 23:30:06 GMT

    Heard from a friend, who said she read about it in Herb Caen, supposedly a
    true story.

    An employee of USAir with the last name of Gay boarded a USAir flight with
    a free travel voucher. Soon after he sat down, someone else came and
    claimed he had the same seat assignment, so Mr. Gay moved down do an empty
    seat.

    Soon after that the airplane began to fill up. The rule with the USAir
    employee vouchers is that if a paying customer needs your seat, you have to
    surrender it. So when the flight became completely full and still more
    needed to get on, a flight attendant went to the original seat of Mr. Gay
    and said the the man now sitting there, "Excuse me, are you Gay?"

    The man, somewhat stunned, said, "Well, yes, as a matter of fact I am!"

    The flight attendent said, "I'm sorry, but you'll have to get off the
    plane."

    At this point Mr. Gay, who had been watching all of this, jumped up and
    said, "Excuse me, you've made a mistake -- I'm Gay!"

    Finally, another man jumped up and said, "Well, hell, I'm gay too! They
    can't throw us all off!"
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Gays Taunting Heterosexuals with a Subversive Notion: A Lawful Union Can Be
    Stable and Happy

    by Robert Scheer

    After careful consideration I have decided that I, too, am opposed to gay
    marriages. Not that any gays have asked to marry me; but ever since Bob
    Dole and Pat Buchanan made this a vital issue in the presidential campaign,
    I have felt the need to speak out.

    I agree with the conservatives that gays cannot fulfill the sacred
    obligation of marriages, which is to procreate. And to be consistent, I
    believe that heterosexual marriages that prove childless after nine months
    should be dissolved. This would end Dole's, Buchanan's and Newt Gingrich's
    current marriages; but I am sure they will understand.

    They are also right in arguing that gay marriages are very threatening to
    heterosexual marriages. If you've ever lived near a gay couple, you would
    know that they set a very bad example. I remember trying to be
    heterosexually married once in the notorious Castro district in San
    Francisco. My wife of the time kept comparing me very unfavorably to gay
    spouses. They managed to earn a living; participate in civic life; and
    still find the time to do the dishes, fix the sink, and even paint their
    houses. I kept telling her it's unnatural for a man to be so handy. Her
    unreasonably heightened expectations soon ended our marriage.

    Another thing is that gay men who want to get legally married as opposed to
    just living together or, better yet, having one-night stands are clearly
    abnormal. I have never met a hetersexual man who was thrilled at the
    prospect of tying the legal knot. That's why we get stupidly drunk and
    destructive at darkly ritualistic pre-wedding bachelor parties.

    My heterosexual friends always thought that their live-in relationships
    were going along just fine and suspiciously questioned why their
    girlfriends felt the need to rush into marriage. My experience extends to a
    recently overheard conversation at a coffee house in my neighborhood. A
    scruffy, never-employed screenwriter was panicked that the successful
    executive woman he was being fixed up with for a blind date would prove
    desperate to lure him into marriage. Heterosexual men think they can never
    be too careful on this issue.

    Marriage is scary. Suddenly, you are legally responsible for someone else's
    debts, health insurance, and moods; and that person can make a claim on
    your income forever. Anyone who is eager to vow, in the eyes of the law, to
    love, honor, and cherish another in sickness and until death, has got to
    have a screw loose.

    Unless one is in love. When heterosexual men are truly smitten, they become
    desperate to capture their prey before she gets away. But this wouldn't
    apply to gay marriages, because gay men never fall in love. All they care
    about is partying and sex, unlike heterosexual men, who mature as they move
    on in life.

    You will notice that I haven't said anything about lesbians. That's
    because, being a heterosexual man, I'm convinced that lesbians don't really
    exist except in a kind of purgatory until a real man turns them around. So
    few of us and so little time.

    So how do I explain all those gay men and lesbian women lining up to get
    married as soon as the opportunity presents itself? Even the recent
    semiofficial ceremony presided over by San Francisco Mayor Willie Brown
    brought out dozens of gay couples, most of whom claimed to have been
    cohabiting happily for a long time.

    The answer is that they want to taunt us heterosexuals with the subversive
    notion that gays can be stable and happy. It's a plot to undermine our
    time-honored national values and the Constitution.

    The Founding Fathers did not provide for gay marriages, even though surely
    some were gay. Conservatively speaking, at least 3% of the signers of the
    Constitution must have been gay, since that's the low estimate for any
    population sample. It was probably higher, given that they were a pretty
    talented bunch and wore wigs. They also never declared gays to be
    three-fifths of a person, which indicates a certain self-interested
    tolerance, if you get my drift.

    Clearly, the Founding Fathers were as comfortable with hypocrisy as most
    politicians are today. But they forgot to write a "Don't ask, don't tell"
    clause into the Constitution. They also left marriage matters up to the
    states. Darn, and then the Supreme Court of Hawaii had to go and find that
    their state's Constitution may protect gay marriages. What if that ruling
    sticks and it turns out that thousands of gays achieve happiness in
    marriage? Dole is right; it could rock the very "foundation of marriage."

    Worse yet, gay couples would be eligible to purchase family insurance,
    share health benefits, file joint tax returns, and have the right to visit
    a sick spouse in the hospital. The republic could fall.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    THE TOP TEN WAYS A COMPUTER GUY CAN IMPRESS HIS DATE

    10. Flash the big wads of tens and twenties you created with your color
    laser printer and top-notch graphics program.

    9. Spend an evening playing floppy disks backward, listening for the secret
    messages about Satan.

    8. Invite her back to your place to show her the etchings on your Newton
    MessagePad.

    7. Let the lady go first when you reach the virtual reality escalator.

    6. Serenade her with your MIDI-compatible drum pads.

    5. Have your dinner illuminated by the soft glow of an active-matrix LCD
    panel.

    4. If you're getting serious, consider a set of "his 'n' her" system unit
    keys.

    3. Drive her crazy by murmuring tender love words with the help of a
    French-speaking voice synthesizer.

    2. Never type on your date's laptop computer without permission,
    particularly if the system is on her lap.

    AND THE #1 WAY A COMPUTER GUY CAN IMPRESS HIS DATE:

    1. When things get tough, simply ask yourself, "What would Bill Gates do in
    a situation like this?
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
    Subject: Geek Speak!
    From: sstaetz@nyx10.cs.du.edu (Susan Loggiodice)
    Date: Thu, 26 May 94 19:30:04 EDT

    The following is a vocabulary list of common words...which are you?

    Word Geek Normal
    ============= ================ ===================
    Code software instruction cryptic message
    Boot load operating sys. footwear
    Virus makes computer sick makes you sick
    Memory data storage retained ideas
    News Usenet NBC/CNN/C-Span
    Mail electronic letters bills/junk mail
    FIDO subnet dog
    Pen pointing device writing with ink thing
    Slip external comm. a fall/undergarment
    Tip open line for comm. $$ for waiters/waitresses
    Mouse pointing device rodent
    Screen terminal face metal mesh
    Spool swap device thing that holds thread
    Thread code structure method stuff on spools
    OOP C++ a booboo
    Ports serial, parallel.... place where ships dock
    Floppy removeable disk limp
    Harddrive fixed disk difficult trip
    Windows GUI nightmare cleaning nightmare
    Root sysadm bottom part of plant
    Smalltalk programming language chit chat

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    1940 generation 1965 generation 1990 generation
    _______________ _______________ _______________

    International Defeat of Hitler, Opposed Vietnam Changed channel
    Achievement Communism War to MTV

    Judicial Legal system should Legal system should Legal system should
    idea support society change society destroy society

    Technological Moon landing Personal computer Beeper, car alarm
    highlight

    Highbrow Classical Jazz Easy listening
    Music

    Lowbrow Big bands Rock Rap
    Music

    Civil rights Martin Luther King Malcolm X Damian Williams
    leader

    Hero Eisenhower John Kennedy Madonna

    Economic Raise 60's generation Develop Support 60's
    achievement Sophisticated generation
    Tastes retirement

    Fav' drug Cigarettes Marijuana Crack

    Drug most Marijuana Crack Cigarettes
    hated

    Economic Work hard - get ahead Let your parents/ Prepare for employment
    philosophy government support at K-Mart
    you

    Cartoon Bugs Bunny Bullwinkle Beavis and Butt-head

    Boast "We made this country "We are great" "We are better armed"
    great"

    Excuse 'I did it for the 'I was upset by 'I was abused'
    country' world injustice'

    Sex Monogamy Free love AIDS

    Youthful Drag race Demonstration Use AK-47 at school
    rebellion

    Movie Casablanca Easy Rider Bill and Ted's
    Excellent Adventure

    Science Einstein Jacques Cousteau Biosphere II

    Enemy USSR USA not sure where
    country countries located

    Influential Eleanor Roosevelt Jane Fonda Roseanne Arnold
    woman

    Religion Monotheism Atheism Paganism

    Enemy Hitler Nixon Joe Camel

    Blames Them--> <--Them--> <--Them
    (Loses 2-1)
    =============================
    Robert L. Richard (written 4-24-94)

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Newsgroups: alt.best.of.internet
    Subject: ABOI: Philosophers Eh.
    From: se1rh@dmu.ac.uk (Roger Heathcote)
    Date: 6 Nov 1995 17:26:33 GMT

    Found this on talk.atheism, thank god (no pun) not everyone`s too serious.
    Never trust philosophers, they can prove anything. Enjoy.......

    Article: 1815 of talk.atheism

    sterczyk@unixg.ubc.ca (innerspace ) wrote:

    >If we say "No apples."
    >We really mean "No apples -here-."
    >The existence of the concept/word of "apples" presupposes that apples
    > do exist.
    >
    >So when one says, "No god."
    >It presupposes "god" -somewhere-, just not here.
    >If one sees "god" as an all-encompassing entity or force, this
    > last statement becomes the kind of paradox that life and truth
    > seem to love so dearly.

    If we say "No Mizarian gerbil-people,"
    we really mean "No Mizarian gerbil-people -here-."
    The existence of the concept/word of "Mizarian gerbil-people" presupposes
    that Mizarian gerbil-people do exist.

    Thanks for helping me prove the existence of Mizarian gerbil-people!

    see my squirrel pictures! -> +------http://www.io.com/~hmiller/------
    | GREAT MOMENTS IN CRITTER HISTORY #2
    Thryomanes (Herman Miller) | "One if by land, two if by sea, three
    (hmiller@io.com) | if by burrow." -- Paul Gophere

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    From: bill@Traveller.COM (Bill Livingston)
    Newsgroups: alt.adjective.noun.verb.verb.verb
    Subject: Re: alt.modified.Star_Trek.read.ponder.grin

    alt.Gilligan's.theme.redone.revamped.aan3v-ed

    alt.comfortable.you.sit-back.relax.listen
    alt.fateful.trip.take.took.taken
    alt.tropic.shore.started.began.launched-trip
    alt.tiny.ship.was.floated.sat

    alt.mighty.mate.is.works.obeys
    alt.hearty.skipper.leads.commands.orders
    alt.five.passengers.left.departed.set-sail
    alt.three-hour.tour.is.is.is

    alt.rough.weather.developed.got.happened
    alt.tiny.ship.toss.toss.toss
    alt.fearless.crew.worked.fought.tried
    alt.poor."Minnow".!sink.!break.float

    alt.battered.ship.landed.beached.tossed
    alt.desert.isle.is.is.is-uncharted
    alt.bumbling.Gilligan.tries.means-well.screws-up
    alt.frustrated.Skipper.fumes.fusses.forgives
    alt.pampered.millionaire.whines.sips-drink.chuckles
    alt.airheaded.wife.dotes.frets.comforts
    alt.zaftig.movie-star.primps.pouts.poses
    alt.brainy.professor.plans.invents.pulls-hair
    alt.adorable.MaryAnn.smiles.cheers.optimizes
    alt.Gilligan's.Island.is.exists.reruns

    alt.TV's."Bill L.".sits.waits.watches
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Every Rep down in Congress liked Clinton somewhat,
    Except for the Gingrinch, who simply did NOT!

    He hated Bill Clinton! He hated his wife!
    He vowed to torment them the rest of his life!

    The Ging hated anyone left of the Huns,
    He hated the wusses who didn't like guns.
    He hated the teachers who wouldn't lead prayers,

    He hated the people who'd tax millionaires!
    He hated "McGoverniks" whining 'bout rights,
    Like equal protection for gays and nonwhites.

    He hated the folks who said "Nicotine kills"
    And vowed he would pass more pro-nicotine bills.
    He hated the folks who said "Women need choice"
    And vowed to give middle-aged males more voice.
    But he hated the people on welfare much more;
    He hated the way they were POOR POOR POOR!

    He hated the way they had no jobs at all!
    This struck him as heaploads of GALL GALL GALL!
    They also lacked training and day care. So what?
    The Gingrinch announced he'd come up with a plot:
    "Get off of Welfare! Get off today!
    Or we will take all of your children AWAY!"

    Now, no one knew what made the Ging such a meanie:
    It could be because he was built like a weenie.
    It could be because he had Donahue hair,
    Or maybe because not much lurked under there.
    But probably what most explained the man's life
    Was the fact he abandoned his children and wife.

    Yes, 'way down in Georgia, his wife lay near dead
    Sickened with cancer, in hospital bed.
    He crept in to see her (they let him, of course)
    And whispered, quite sweetly, "I want a divorce!"
    He whipped out his pencil with something like zeal
    And got down to work on his alimony deal!
    And while she was whimp'ring he said, "By the way,
    I'm leaving for somebody younger - hooray!"

    The Gingrinch's heart shrank two sizes that night.
    And that could be what makes him so Christian Right.

    Now, the night before Congress the Ging hatched his plans:
    From now on he'd speak for, quote, "Normal Americans."
    Tax-slashers! That's what those "Normal" folks love!
    He'd take to the skies and dismantle the gov!

    He jumped out of bed and he summoned his pet:
    A doberman pinscher who once killed a vet.
    George was his name (as in Wallace, not Bush);
    "Boy!" said the Gingrinch, "We're gonna whip tush!"

    They flew to a soup kitchen, filled with sad "bums,"
    Snatched up the kettle and stole all the crumbs.
    They flew to a basketball game late at night
    And shooed the kids out, to the dealers' delight.

    They unplugged mass transit and cried "Buy a car!"
    Then chopped down a forest and chomped a cigar.
    What bliss! What fun! What downright glee!
    What joy! What yuks! What great TV!

    The next day the Gingrinch sat high above view
    And looked down on Congress (as many folks do).
    He wanted to relish the joy and the cheer
    Of folks waking up to their first tax-free year.

    He waited and waited and waited some more;

    He waited to hear them cry "Newt! Take the floor!"
    He waited for kudos and champagne free-flowing,
    He waited for trumpets on high to start blowing.
    But instead of rejoicing and hoopla, etcet,
    He heard a strange rumble that made his palms sweat.

    The people weren't happy, not happy at all!
    They ringed 'round the Statehouse! They filled up the hall!
    They groused and they grumbled and cried, "We're real mad!
    We want all those costly old programs we had!
    Give back our givebacks! Give back our pork!
    Give back the stuff you walked off with, you dork!"

    And the Gingrinch sat simply quite stunned at the sight
    Of Normal Americans, not left and not right.

    They wanted clean air and they wanted green trees,
    They wanted-full coverage for medical fees,
    They wanted nice schools and streets safe to play,
    They wanted it all - they just didn't want to pay!

    And when the truth hit him, the Ging grinned a grin,
    He laughed and he laughed till the tears ran down his chin.
    The Clintons climbed up to the Dome, laughing too.
    "Hee hee hee," Bill and Hill laughed, "Hoo hoo hoo!"
    They laughed with the cheer that comes from within,
    They laughed with the knowledge: You just cannot win.

    The Gingrinch and Clintons now shared the same plight
    Whatever they'd do, they could not do it right.
    "Folks hate you," said Bill, "once you land in D.C.
    But I've got a plan: Let us bond, you and me.
    We'll work as a team, yes! That's my advice!
    We'll listen and nod and make NICE NICE NICE!"
    The Prez put his hand out, they hugged on the ledge...

    And then that old Gingrinch pushed Bill off the edge.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    From RaulG@eworld.com Thu Feb 22 20:10:42 1996

    Newt Gingrich on Male Behavior: An Informal Poll

    Real Life Thoughts from Newt:

    "If combat means living in a ditch, females have biological problems
    staying in a ditch for thirty days because they get infections and they
    don't have upper body strength. I mean, some do, but they're relatively
    rare. On the other hand, men are basically little piglets, you drop them in
    the ditch, they roll around in it, doesn't matter, you know. These things
    are very real. On the other hand, if combat means being on an Aegis-class
    cruiser managing the computer controls for twelve ships and their rockets,
    a female may be again dramatically better than a male who gets very, very
    frustrated sitting in a chair all the time because males are biologically
    driven to go out and hunt giraffes."

    --Adjunct Professor Newt Gingrich, Reinhardt College, January 7, 1995,
    "Renewing American Civilization."

    The following is a letter to Rep. Newt Gingrich from Fresno Bee reporter
    John Scalzi. It includes an informal poll Scalzi conducted on Newt's
    remarks about -- and astonishing misunderstanding of -- typical male
    behavior.

    Dear Mr. Gingrich:

    My name is John Scalzi, and I am a columnist for the Fresno Bee in Fresno,
    California. In the days since the unearthing of your comments about men,
    women, combat, and the biological drive for men to hunt giraffes, I have
    taken it upon myself to conduct a poll to see whether that innate
    giraffe-hunting urge (and the little piglet wallowing urge) is in fact
    alive and well in the average American male.

    While the sample polled is statistically small (50 men, basically whoever
    was handy at the time) and largely comprised of white, college-educated,
    gainfully employed males, I nevertheless feel that the information gleaned
    from this poll will be of some value to someone, somewhere, some time.

    Perhaps you yourself, should the subject of instinctual giraffe
    slaughtering come up again. Certainly for me, as it takes up the bulk of my
    column, to be published soon.

    Thank you for your time, and happy hunting and/or wallowing, whichever the
    case may be.

    1. Have you ever hunted a giraffe?

    Yes: 0%
    No: 100%

    2. Have you ever had the urge to hunt a giraffe?

    Yes: 4%
    No: 96%

    3. Provided the right tools and the time, would you hunt a giraffe?

    Yes: 8%
    No: 92%

    4. If not a giraffe, would you hunt another African savannah animal?

    Yes: 20%
    No: 80%

    5. If you had to hunt an African savannah animal, which of the following
    would you choose?

    a) Zebra: 2%
    b) Rhino: 6%
    c) Meerkat: 12%
    d) Boar: 42%
    e) Any creature that appeared in "The Lion King": 36%

    6. Do you think giraffe would taste like chicken?

    Yes: 38%
    No: 62%

    7. Might it not make more sense not to hunt giraffe, but rather to set up
    giraffe ranches?

    Yes: 92%
    No: 8%

    8. When you see Geoffrey, the Toys 'R' Us giraffe, do you ever get the urge
    to stick him with a spear?

    Yes: 40%
    No: 60%

    9. Do you expect that Newt Gingrich has ever had the urge to hunt a
    giraffe?

    Yes: 74%
    No: 26%

    10. If Newt Gingrich were to hunt a giraffe, would he use tools, or simply
    his own mouth?

    Tools: 48%
    Mouth: 52%

    11. Would you rather hunt a giraffe, or wallow in a ditch like a little
    piglet?

    Hunt: 30%
    Wallow: 70%

    12. Would you generally describe yourself as a little piglet?

    Yes: 22%
    No: 78%

    13. Would you describe Newt Gingrich as a little piglet?

    Yes: 54%
    No: 46%

    14. If you could, would you hunt Newt Gingrich?

    Yes: 58%
    No: 42%

    15. Would Newt Gingrich taste like chicken?

    Yes: 18%
    No: 82%
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and
    as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he
    decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note. Romantic but not too
    personal.

    Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Sears and bought
    a pair of white gloves. The younger sister purchased a pair of panties for
    herself.

    During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the
    gloves, and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents,
    he sealed the package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:

    Darling,

    I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing
    any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I
    would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones
    which are easy to remove.

    These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the
    pair she was wearing for the past weeks, and they were hardly soiled. I had
    her try yours on and she looked smart.

    I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other
    hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you
    again.

    When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away
    as they will be a little damp from wearing.

    Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope
    you will wear them Friday night.

    All My Love,

    P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur
    showing.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    In a mining district, Mrs. Brown presented her husband with a 12 pound baby
    boy. Mr. Brown was so delighted that he went to the newspaper office and
    told them that he had found a 12 pound gold nugget, as pure as any in
    America. Naturally, the newspaper sent a reporter to the house to get the
    story, as anyone would do, and everyone was prospecting for gold in the
    little town. This is what happened.

    Reporter: "Does Mr. Brown live here?
    She: "He does."
    He: "Is he in?"
    She: "No."
    He: "I understand that he found a nugget of gold weighing 12 pounds."
    She: (Seeing the joke) "Yes, he found one."
    He: "Can you show me the spot where he found it?"
    She: "I'm afraid Mr. Brown would object as it is private."
    He: "Is the hole very far from here?"
    She: "No, it is quite near."
    He: "Has Mr. Brown been working the claim long?"
    She: "No, only about ten months."
    He: "Has he reached the bottom yet?"
    She: "No, but he is very near."
    He: "Was Mr. Brown the first to work it?"
    She: "Well, he thinks he was."
    He: "Has he been working the claim regularly since he found it?"
    She: "No, but I told him last night it was time to start again."
    He: "I suppose he works it secretly?"
    She: "Yes, mostly every night."
    He: "Do you help him?"
    She: "I do my best."
    He: "Do you think he will sell the claim?"
    She: "I doubt it, he gets so much pleasure out of working it."
    He: "Did he blast it out with nitroglycerine?"
    She: "No, he used Vaseline and kept digging."
    He: "Has he widened the hole any?"
    She: "Yes, a little."
    He: "How big is the hole?"
    She: "Well, about normal size, I suppose."
    He: "Is he going to improve the mine any?"
    She: "Yes, he said he was going to white wash the shaft tonight."
    He: "Does he work alone at night?"
    She: "No, I hold it for him and we split 50/50."
    He: "Is he an expert at it?"
    She: "Well, he does good work."
    He: "Would you mind showing me the gold nugget?"
    She: "Certainly." (Then she brought out the 12 pound baby boy and they
    carried the reporter to the hospital.)
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    "I'm not against the blacks and a lot of the good blacks will attest to
    that." --Evan Mecham, then governor of Arizona

    "Nixon has been sitting in the White House while George McGovern has been
    exposing himself to the people of the United States." --Frank Licht, then
    governor of Rhode Island, campaigning for McGovern in 1972

    "Retraction: The 'Greek Special' is a huge 18 inch pizza and not a huge 18
    inch penis, as described in an ad. Blondie's Pizza would like to apologize
    for any confusion Friday's ad may have caused." --correction printed in The
    Daily Californian

    "Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls
    off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing
    for the Padres!" --Jerry Coleman, Padres radio announcer

    "I want you to take your balls in your hand and bounce them on the floor
    and then throw them as high as you can. Now, have you all got your balls in
    your hands?" --announcer of children's radio show "Life With Mother" to her
    audience

    "I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job" --George Bush,
    during his first Presidential campaign

    "This is a great day for France!" --Richard Nixon, while attending Charles
    De Gaulle's funeral

    "Now, like, I'm President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to
    come into the White House and start offering it up, you know? ... I bet if
    they did, I hope I would say, 'Hey, get lost. We don't want any of that.'"
    --George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students

    "For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've
    had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex ... uh... setbacks."
    --George Bush

    "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
    democracy. But that could change." --Dan Quayle

    "Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the
    Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right
    here." --Dan Quayle during a visit to Hawaii in 1989

    "What a waste it is to lose one's mind--or not to have a mind. How true
    that is." --Dan Quayle addressing the United Negro College Fund

    "I am honored today to begin my first term as the Governor of
    Baltimore-that is Maryland." --William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural
    address

    "The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are
    more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at." --George Bush, on
    the Alaska pipeline

    "I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism. This is what
    drives me." --George Bush

    "If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would be convinced that
    we're in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without
    food and medical attention and that we've got to do something about the
    unemployed." --Ronald Reagan

    "My fellow Americans, I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia
    forever. We begin bombing in five minutes." --Ronald Reagan, about to go on
    the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on

    "Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same distance
    from the sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there
    are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is
    oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." --Dan Quayle

    "Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up and I think we're going to
    succeed." --Ronald Reagan

    Walter Mondale: George Bush doesn't have the manhood to apologize.
    Bush: Well, on the manhood thing, I'll put mine up against his any time.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a
    question?

    Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"

    Son: "What is politics?"

    Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so
    let's call me Capitalism. Your mother is the administrator of money, so
    we'll call her Government. We take care of your needs, so let's call you
    The People. We'll call the Maid, the Working Class and your brother we can
    call The Future. Do you understand, son?"

    Son: "I'm not really sure, dad. I'll have to think about it."

    That night, awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was
    wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy
    went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the
    maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed
    with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and
    the maid. So the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next
    morning he reported to his father.

    Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what politics is."

    Father: "Good, son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

    Son: "Well, Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government
    is sound asleep, The People are being completely ignored and the Future is
    full of shit."
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    [Editor's note: Every summer the New Jersey Governor's School in the
    Sciences takes place at Drew University. This is a program for high school
    students between their junior and senior years; they stay on campus for 4
    weeks taking courses and doing team projects in math, computers, and the
    various sciences. The following true story is by one of my classmates who
    was working with me in Drew's Computer Center in the summer of 1991.]

    From: rsolomon@drew.edu (Man Who Says Narf)
    Newsgroups: du.chatter
    Subject: Govvies... be afraid, be very afraid.
    Date: 26 Jul 91 16:01:45 EDT

    They're getting out of hand. No, really they are. This afternoon I was
    sitting at the desk and a whole gaggle of giggling girls walked into room
    five, but decided that maybe it was a little out of their league and would
    stick with room four. As they walked by I asked if there was anything I
    could help them with, to which they replied "Yeah, I'll probably need help
    doing it". Well, this was an obvious set up, but I kept my manners and
    grinned politely. A few minutes later a timid soft-spoken girl walked up to
    the desk and asked "Excuse me, but can you help me do it?". I couldn't help
    myself anymore and replied "Well, that's a personal question don't you
    think?" They're obviously far too young, and have absolutely NO sense of
    humor, because she just stared blankly at me, as if I had said something
    totally incomprehensible and over her head.

    Well, this was wierd enough, but immediatly after that, I returned to my
    post (well, it's really Adam's but I'm sitting in). That in itself isn't so
    strange. What was really odd, was that two more governor's school students
    walked in with very excited looks on their faces. They glanced quickly
    around and asked "CAN WE SWAB YOUR KEYBOARD?" ... I was so taken aback by
    this I completely missed the obvious chance at yet another sexual joke. I
    was stunned. "huh?" sez I. "We want to swab your keyboards for bacteria!!"
    Well, of course I was honored, but I just didn't know what to say. "It's
    only water! It's really only damp! it won't hurt your board a bit! I
    promise!". By this time I'm just about falling off my chair laughing.
    Finally I consented to have my keyboard swabbed. It was quite an odd
    experience. I highly recommend it.

    Finally, they came out with a very confusing and almost insulting request.
    All of a sudden they both got this eerie gleam in their eyes as they
    spotted... yes... my COFFEE CUP! They wanted to swab my COFFE CUP FOR
    CHRISSAKE! I just looked at them. And then I DID fall off my chair
    laughing. "Hey, I brush my teeth! You won't find much" Well, while I was
    under the desk laughing, they snatched my coffee cup and started running a
    giant q-tip all over it! I honestly had no idea how to take all of this. I
    mean, my coffee cup!

    It's been a very wierd afternoon. To top it off, I walked outside and there
    was someone carrying an open umbrella. It wasn't raining. I gotta go do
    something mundane and stable... I'm far too fragile for this sort of thing.

    -rob
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    From: Finabair@aol.com
    Subject: Humor - Green Eggs and Hamlet

    GREEN EGGS & HAMLET

    I ask to be, or not to be.
    That is the question, I ask of me.
    This sullied life, it makes me shudder.
    My uncle's boffing dear, sweet mother.
    Would I, could I take my life?
    Could I, should I, end this strife?
    Should I jump out of a plane?
    Or throw myself before a train?
    Should I from a cliff just leap?
    Could I put myself to sleep?
    Shoot myself, or take some poison?
    Maybe try self immoloition?
    To shuffle off this mortal coil,
    I could stab myself with a fencing foil.
    Slash my wrists while in the bath?
    Would it end my angst and wrath?
    To sleep, to dream, now there's the rub.
    I could drop a toaster in my tub.
    Would all be glad, if I were dead?
    Could I perhaps kill them instead?
    This line of thought takes consideration -
    For I'm the king of procrastination.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    What guys say... ...What they mean...
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    It is just orange juice, try it. 3 more shots, and she'll have her
    legs around my head.

    She's kind of cute I want to bang her till I am blue

    I don't know if I like her She won't blow me

    I need you My hand is tired

    I had her I had (wet dreams about) her all
    week

    I really want to get to know you ...so I can tell my friends about
    better it

    How do I compare with all your Is my penis really that small?
    other boyfriends?

    You're the only girl I've ever You are the only girl who has not
    cared about rejected me

    I want you back ...for tonight anyway

    We've been through so much together If it was not for you, I never
    would have lost my virginity

    I miss you so much I am so horny that my roommate is
    starting to look good

    No, I do not want to dance Shoot! She'll know that I have a
    right now hard-on

    The break-up should not start I want to have sex a few more times
    for another 24 hours

    I am different from all the I am not circumsized
    other guys

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    From: julie@drycas.club.cc.cmu.edu (Julie Waters)

    This was posted to a list I read. --Julie
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    My Favorite Haiku

    Writing a short poem
    with seventeen syllables
    is very diffi
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Getting a Haircut

    Women's version:

    Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

    Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean,
    you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

    Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that,
    but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I
    think.

    Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could
    easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was
    actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long
    neck.

    Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take
    attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

    Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your
    shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see
    how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me
    so much easier.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Men's version:

    Man2: Haircut?

    Man1: Yeah.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Editor's Note: The following post came from alt.suicide.holiday. The
    original post (quoted below) is a chart that tells you the correct rope
    length for hanging oneself, by weight. The editor takes no responsibility
    for what use you readers choose to make of this chart.

    Newsgroups: alt.suicide.holiday
    Subject: Re: Helpful Hints from the damned
    From: njs@scifi.UUCP (Nicholas J. Simicich)
    Date: 7 Feb 90 14:53:38 GMT

    mark@wpi.wpi.edu (thedamned) writes:
    >Here is a helpful little list for all you people out there:
    >
    >

    >Weight Drop
    >
    >14 stone (196 lbs.) 8 ft. 0 in.
    >13 1/2 stone (189 lbs.) 8 ft. 2 in.
    >13 stone (182 lbs.) 8 ft. 4 in.
    >12 1/2 stone (175 lbs.) 8 ft. 6 in.
    >12 stone (168 lbs.) 8 ft. 8 in.
    >11 1/2 stone (161 lbs.) 8 ft. 10 in.
    >11 stone (154 lbs.) 9 ft. 0 in.
    >10 1/2 stone (147 lbs.) 9 ft. 2 in.
    >10 stone (140 lbs.) 9 ft. 4 in.
    >9 1/2 stone (133 lbs.) 9 ft. 6 in.
    >9 stone (126 lbs.) 9 ft. 8 in.
    >8 1/2 stone (119 lbs.) 9 ft. 10 in.
    >8 stone (112 lbs.) 10 ft. 0 in.

    This is actually a quite important list. Why not give everyone a ten foot
    drop? Turns out that with too much of a drop, if you're too heavy, you
    decapitate yourself, which is both quite messy, and doesn't give the right
    impression. After all, you want to be found hanging there, with your
    suicide note neatly pinned to your chest, or perhaps tastefully left on the
    table beside you, and not with your body in one place and your head in
    another, with a few shards of flesh hanging from the rope. Also remember
    that this was for heavy hanging rope, and that thinner rope might not
    survive the snap at the end of the drop. In other words, to do yourself in
    with your belt, or zipcord, you will have to strangle yourself, and not
    break your neck.

    Another popular way to kill oneself is with impalement. In the past,
    falling on one's sword was a means of doing this, but these days, a good
    sword is so hard to find, so this method has fallen out of fashion. One of
    my grandmother's roomers did manage to do himself in this way, by sitting
    on an upright vacuum cleaner, and falling backwards on to it, but it was
    never settled as to whether or not this was an intentional suicide, or
    simply a very messy accident during a dangerous sexual practice.

    And do, please, let people know. This fellow was not found for three days,
    and it was quite difficult to get the smell and stains out so that the room
    could be let again.

    --
    Nick Simicich --- uunet!bywater!scifi!njs --- njs@ibm.com (Internet)
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Captain Hawley, Starship Captain vs. THE MALLS

    by Phil Robertson 70313,3725@compuserve.com

    Captain Hawley, the interstellar trader, was mad. Madder than her humanoid
    crew had ever seen her. In all her years of trading, nothing like this had
    ever happened before. First, the hypercold storage on deck nine had failed
    allowing the swine destined for the miners on Deneeb III to emerge from
    cold sleep. The little porkers were eating her out of house and starship.

    Second, she had promised her young nephew a Ferdinand Feghoot doll from
    Earth. Unfortunately, Hawley had arrived on Earth during Winter Solstice,
    the peak of the shopping season. She had beamed down to mall after mall
    with no success. The clerks had ignored her or treated her with utter
    disdain.

    Starship captains do not make promises lightly, and Hawley was not happy at
    the prospect of disappointing her favorite nephew. What could Hawley do to
    punish these rotten mall owners for employing nasty clerks? And how could
    she dispose of her swine?

    "I have it," Hawley exclaimed. Turning to her Transporter Engineer, she
    asked, "Can the teleport mechanism be modified to handle one million female
    pigs?"

    Captain Hawley motioned the perplexed engineer closer and whispered into
    his center ear. Two of his eyes widened with horror at what she was
    suggesting while the other two narrowed in gleeful anticipation of a cosmic
    joke. As the Transporter Engineer strode purposefully from the bridge, he
    could be heard singing, "Wreck the Malls with Sows of Hawley..."
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Children's Stool Great for Use in Garden
    Stud Tires Out
    Stiff Opposition to Casketless Funeral Plan
    Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
    Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
    Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
    Columnist Gets Urologist in Trouble with His Peers
    New Housing For Elderly Not Yet Dead
    New Missouri U. Chancellor Expects Little Sex
    12 On Their Way to Cruise Among Dead in Plane Crash
    N.J. Judge to Rule on Nude Beach
    Chou Remains Cremated
    Chinese Apeman Dated
    Hershey Bars Protest
    Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
    Deer Kill 130,000
    Complaints About NBA Referees Growing Ugly
    Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
    Man Eating Piranha Mistakenly Sold As Pet Fish
    Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
    Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
    Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
    Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted
    Survivor of Siamese twins joins parents
    Farmer Bill dies in house
    Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
    Prostitutes appeal to Pope
    Panda mating fails; Veterinarian takes over
    Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
    British left waffles on Falkland Islands
    Eye drops off shelf
    Teacher strikes idle kids
    Shot off woman's leg helps Nicklaus to 66
    Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
    Plane too close to ground, crash probe told
    Miners refuse to work after death
    Stolen painting found by tree
    Two soviet ships collide, one dies
    2 sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter
    Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years
    Never withhold herpes infection from loved one
    Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84
    If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while
    Enfiels couple slain; Police suspect homicide

    And:

    Two cars were reported stolen by the Groveton police yesterday.
    We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.

    All found in _The Language Instinct_, by Steven Pinker.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    From: IN%"SEWALL@UCONNVM.BITNET" "Murph Sewall" 9-DEC-1990 12:48:33.47
    Date: Sun, 9 Dec 90 11:10:55 EST

    More actual newspaper headlines:

    Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures --Daily Sun-Post (San Clemente, CA)
    1/17/77

    Sneak Attack by Soviet Bloc Not Foreseen --The Atlanta Journal 4/4/79

    War Dims Hopes for Peace --Wisconsin State Journal 12/27/65

    Blue Skies Unless its Cloudy --San Francisco Chronicle 5/29/??

    Bankrupt Association Termed in Poor Shape --Lawrence (KA) Journal-World
    7/12/77

    Food is Basic to Student Diet --Bridgeport (CN) Post 1/18/78
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    (Reported in the (U.K.) Guardian recently, and relayed by Martin Hughes:)

    For those of you who don't read a quality paper the following extract from
    the weekend Guardian might be of interest:

    Airline competition intensifies. Eastern Airlines is offering a 50%
    discount on dead bodies. Directors of Funeral parlours can now claim
    frequent flyer bonus miles on every casket they ship.

    We take ghoul care of you!
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    One more from the "News of the Weird" column:

    Reason magazine reports that a survey of hotel bills from last year's
    convention of religious broadcasters revealed that 80 percent watched an
    X-rated movie on their hotel room's closed-circuit channel.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    More headlines:

    Lack Of Water Hurts Ice Fishing
    Yellow Snow Tested For Nutrition
    Gas Smell Diverts Flight, But It Was Just Passengers Pants
    Man Accused Of Excessively Passing Wind
    Cookies With Condoms Fail Family Taste-Test
    Condom Firm Streches Product Line
    White Flower Two Day Sale-(Friday ONLY)
    Toxic Waste Tour Planned
    Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
    Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
    House passes gas tax onto senate
    Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
    William Kelly was fed secretary
    Milk drinkers are turning to powder
    Quarter of a million Chinese live on water

    Some become unintentionally suggestive:

    Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
    Organ festival ends in smashing climax

    Grammar often botches other headlines:

    Dealers will hear car talk at noon
    Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests

    Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite from the
    one intended:

    Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
    Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better

    Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious:

    Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
    Child's death ruins couple's holiday
    Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years
    Man is fatally slain
    Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    From: julie@drycas.club.cc.cmu.edu

    Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
    Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
    Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
    Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
    New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
    Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
    Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
    Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
    Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
    British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
    Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
    Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
    Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
    New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
    Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
    Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
    Air Head Fired
    Steals Clock, Faces Time
    Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
    Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
    Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
    Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
    Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
    Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
    Include your Children when Baking Cookies
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    [email]

    HFB

    [For those of you in cold storage, this was one of the "ads" on SNL back
    when the show was actually funny.]

    HAPPY FUN BALL

    -only $14.95-

    * Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly and children under 10 should
    avoid prolonged exposure to Happy Fun Ball.
    * Caution: Happy Fun Ball may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds.
    * Happy Fun Ball Contains a liquid core, which, if exposed due to
    rupture, should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at.
    * Do not use Happy Fun Ball on concrete.

    Discontinue use of Happy Fun Ball if any of the following occurs:

    * Itching
    * Vertigo
    * Dizziness
    * Tingling in extremities
    * Loss of balance or coordination
    * Slurred speech
    * Temporary Blindness
    * Profuse sweating
    * Heart Palpitations

    If Happy Fun Ball begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter and
    cover head.

    Happy Fun Ball may stick to certain types of skin.

    When not in use, Happy Fun Ball should be returned to its special container
    and kept under refrigeration...

    Failure to do so relieves the makers of Happy Fun Ball, Wacky Products
    Incorporated, and its parent company Global Chemical Unlimited, of any and
    all liability.

    Ingredients of Happy Fun Ball include an unknown glowing substance which
    fell to Earth, presumably from outer space.

    Happy Fun Ball has been shipped to our troops in Saudi Arabia and is also
    being dropped by our warplanes on Iraq.

    Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.

    Happy Fun Ball comes with a lifetime guarantee.

    Happy Fun Ball
    ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES!
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    The World According to Student Bloopers

    by Richard Lederer

    One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is
    receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have
    pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably
    genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United
    States, from eight grade through college level. Read carefully, and you
    will learn a lot.

    The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah
    Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the
    inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are
    cul- tivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape
    of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids are a range of mountains between
    France and Spain.

    The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the
    Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of
    their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to
    sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his
    brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who brought up his twelve sons
    to be partiarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph,
    gave refuse to the Israelites.

    Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led
    them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made
    without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get
    the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
    He fougth with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical
    times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

    Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three
    kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths. A
    myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him
    in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles appears in "The
    Illiad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the
    last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not
    written by Homer but by another man of that name.

    Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.
    They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

    In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and
    threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government
    of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own
    hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that
    they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they
    fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had
    more men.

    Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people Romans
    because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets,
    the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on
    the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they thought
    he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrany who would torture his
    poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

    Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur
    lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the
    Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by George Bernard Shaw, and
    the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the
    Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same
    offense.

    In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of
    the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote liter-
    ature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an
    apple while standing on his son's head.

    The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of
    their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at
    Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being
    excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the
    female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of
    great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter
    Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another
    important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake
    circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

    The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking
    difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the
    "Vir- gin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed
    herself be- fore her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her navy went
    out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

    The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear
    never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived in
    Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In
    one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by
    relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to
    convince Mac- beth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and
    Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as
    Shakespear was Miquel Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great
    author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies
    and he wrote "Paradise Regained."

    During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great
    navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His
    ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the Pilgrims
    crossed the Ocean, and the was called the Pilgrim's Progress. When they
    landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who came down the
    hill rolling their was hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried
    porposies on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with
    their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a
    hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born.
    Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

    One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in
    their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels through the post
    with- out stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing
    balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing.
    Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.

    Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress.
    Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the
    Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his
    clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented elec-
    tricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a horse divided against
    itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

    George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became the Father of
    Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United States was adopted to
    secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the
    right to keep bare arms.

    Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died
    in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own
    hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said,
    "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln write the Gettysburg address
    while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope.
    He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment
    gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and
    lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night of April 14,
    1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the
    actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes
    Booth, a sup- posedl insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

    Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare
    invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was
    invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the
    apples are flaling off the trees.

    Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel
    was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach
    died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was
    deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest
    even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later
    died for this.

    France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished
    before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French
    Revolu- tion, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars,
    the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish
    gorrilas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon
    became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He
    wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness,
    she couldn't bear him any children.

    The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in
    the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest
    queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. He reclining years and finally the
    end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the
    final event which ended her reign.

    The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts.
    The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
    Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a
    hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pastuer
    discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the
    "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx
    became one of the Marx Brothers.

    The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf,
    ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    { This is a selection from a book called "Then Some Other Things Happened",
    a collection of short pieces about history written by eigth graders and
    compiled by Bill Lawrence, a teacher and columnist. }

    PILGRAM INTERUPTERS

    The Pilgrams were a bunch of English wonderers who wanted to worship as
    they wanted to. They excaped the Church of England and came over here
    because they heard that American churches were different.

    The May Flower was the ship with which they came in. It didn't have a
    bathroom on board so there was quite an oder. Priscillia Mullins was the
    captain.

    First the Pilgrams had gone to Holland but left when their children started
    developing customs there. After a stopover at Williamsbug when a large
    storm blew them off course they landed on a big, slimey rock in
    Massatusetts. They spent the winter there.

    Before they got off the ship even they drew up an agreement for the people
    of Plymouth to agree on the voting for governors and congressmen. They kept
    this hid in the May Flower Compact. Lord Delaware was elected the first
    governor of Plymouth Rock.

    A friendly Indian named Rhone Oak showed the Pilgrams how to plant corn by
    putting it in the ground. Rhone Oak had been the first Indian to come to
    America and always wanted a beer. He traveled around with Miles Standy and
    translated language. He knew enough English to interupt.

    Another interupter for the white man was Squanto, who was called that
    because he was so short. Squanto drew up a declaration to give the settlers
    freedom of goverment in the new land. The Pilgrams gave the Indians thanks
    for all this and that's what started Thanksgiving.

    The Pilgrams then appointed Thanksgiving as a national holiday. Abraham
    Lincoln later pronounced it and gave it to them and it soon became a
    national holiday all around the world.

    These people always wore old shoes with a big buckel on the top of them.
    The men wore pants that only came a little ways past the knees and the
    girls wore funny bonets.

    But if these people wouldn't had of come to America the United States
    wouldn't be like it is today.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    "Think of the Internet as a highway."

    There it is again. Some clueless fool talking about the "Information
    Superhighway." They don't know didley about the net. It's nothing like a
    superhighway. That's a rotten metaphor.

    Suppose the metaphor ran in the other direction. Suppose the highways were
    like the net. . .

    A highway hundreds of lanes wide. Most with pitfalls for potholes.
    Privately operated bridges and overpasses. No highway patrol. A couple of
    rent-a-cops on bicycles with broken whistles. 500 member vigilante posses
    with nuclear weapons. A minimum of 237 on ramps at every intersection. No
    signs. Wanna get to Ensenada? Holler out the window at a passing truck to
    ask directions. Ad hoc traffic laws. Some lanes would vote to make use by a
    single-occupant-vehicle a capital offense on Monday through Friday between
    7:00 and 9:00. Other lanes would just shoot you without a trial for talking
    on a car phone.

    AOL would be a giant diesel-smoking bus with hundreds of ebola victims on
    board throwing dead wombats and rotten cabbage at the other cars, most of
    which have been assembled at home from kits. Some are built around 2.5
    horsepower lawnmower engines with a top speed of nine miles an hour. Others
    burn nitrogylcerin and idle at 120.

    No license plates. World War II bomber nose art instead. Terrifying
    paintings of huge teeth or vampire eagles. Bumper mounted machine guns.
    Flip somebody the finger on this highway and get a white phosphorus grenade
    up your tailpipe. Flatbed trucks cruise around with anti-aircraft missile
    batteries to shoot down the traffic helicopter. Little kids on tricycles
    with squirtguns filled with hydrochloric acid switch lanes without warning.

    NO OFFRAMPS. None.

    Now that's the way to run an Interstate Highway system.

    Author: Russell Nelson (nelson@crynwr.com)
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Newsgroups: bit.listserv.giggles
    Subject: JOKE-CLEAN:MUSINGS
    From: Rhiannon Walker (rhiannon@COUGAR.MULTILINE.COM.AU)
    Date: Fri, 02 Feb 1996 02:03:28 +0000

    THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO HMMMM.....

    1. Why do they call them mobile homes when 99 percent of the time they are
    not?

    2. Why do ads for pet products promise you that "your dog will thank you
    for it" but he never does?

    3. Are there any unguided missiles?

    4. What happens if you add water to a condensed book?

    5. What slang word does a frog use to describe another frog's death?

    6. Is it really "all-purpose" flour? I mean can I use it to bathe in or use
    it as a driveway sealer?

    7. Has the woman who keeps saying "There is nothing more disgusting than
    annoying static cling" ever given mouth-to-mouth to an elk?

    8. When the phone wakes us up at 1:00 a.m. and it's a drunk trying to order
    a sausage pizza, why do we say we think they have the wrong number?

    9. Why do they call it life insurance?

    10. Why is an outdoor theater called a "drive-in"?

    11. What do the French call open mouth kissing?

    12. Why do relatives ask "Would you like to see the new baby?" Do they have
    an old baby they're hiding in the garage?
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Secretary of Agriculture
    Washington DC

    Dear Mr Secretary,

    My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a thousand dollar
    government check for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not
    raising hogs" business. What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is
    the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on and what is the best breed of
    hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavour in
    keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise
    razorbacks but if this is not a good breed not to raise, then I would just
    as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of
    this program will be keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I
    haven't raised.

    My friend, Peterson, is very pleased about the future of the business. He
    has been raising hogs for twenty years and the best he ever made on them
    was four hundred and fifty dollars in 1968 until this when he got your
    check for not raising any.

    If I get one thousand dollars for not raising fifty hogs, will I get two
    thousand dollars for not raising one hundred hogs? I plan to operate on a
    small scale at first, holding myself down to about four thousand hogs not
    raised which will mean about eighty thousand dollars the first year. Now,
    another thing: These hogs I will not raise will not eat ten thousand
    dollars bushels of corn. Will I qualify for payments for not raising and
    wheat not to feed the four thousand hogs I am not going to raise? I want to
    get started as soon as possible as this seems like a good time of the year
    not to raise hogs or grain.

    Also, I am considering the "not milking the cows" business so please send
    me information on that, too. In view of these circumstances, I will be
    totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment benefits and food
    stamps.

    Patriotically Yours

    I M Cheap
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
    From: glen.ketteringham@ablelink.org (Glen Ketteringham)
    Subject: WC walls
    Date: Tue, 26 Sep 95 19:30:04 EDT

    I saw this on a washroom wall at a truck stop on Highway 401,near Port
    Hope, Ontario a few years back:

    My mother made me a homosexual!

    Below in another handwriting:

    If I left her the wool, would she make me one too?
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    What's all the HOOPLA about? Programming jargon, you neophyte

    By Wayne V. Herbert (From the Peer to Peer section of InfoWorld, 10/4/93)

    Object-oriented programming is confusing. Even the definition of
    object-oriented programming is open to many different interpretations. This
    sad state of affairs reduces productivity and hinders the spread of this
    exciting new technology.

    All is not lost, though. With the announcement of HOOPLA (Hopelessly Obtuse
    Object Programming Language with Attachements), the ultimate in
    object-oriented development environments is available to even the most
    skeptical programmer. HOOPLA not only embodies all the paradigms and
    concepts of today's object-oriented languages, it provides many extensions
    and techniques to further obfuscate the art and science of computer
    programming.

    The list of HOOPLA's benefits is nearly endless, but here are a few that
    will keep trainers busy for years to come.

    * Metamorphism. Expanding on the concept of polymorphism, HOOPLA's
    powerful artificial intelligence automatically changes class libraries
    and objects while you are asleep. Based on the few lines of code you
    write today, HOOPLA "knows" that sooner or later you will have to code
    the details of the module and does it for you. Plus, the changes are
    hidden, ensuring that class ancestor code remains a mystery.

    * Two-Parent Inheritance (TPI). Taking a cue from biology, TPI combines
    classes from separate hierarchies and subjects them to a "survival of
    the fittest" test. Any classes that don't cause unrecoverable
    application errors are incorporated as new derived classes.

    * Dynamic Bondage and Discipline. Allows programmers to write a generic
    routine and use it over and over again, with unpredictable results.
    Through the discipline module, however, programmers can be assured
    instructions will be obeyed and unruly objects won't make the same
    mistake again.

    * Object Insistence. Taking persistent objects one step further,
    insistent objects finally solve the most dreaded of programming
    errors: the accidental deletion of code. Insistent objects don't go
    away even when you want them to.

    * Graphical Object-Oriented Programming (GOOP). Recognizing that some of
    the most brilliant ideas have resulted from doodles, GOOP provides the
    programmer with a library (a Dynamic Link Library, actually) of
    thousands of whirlygigs, curlicues, doodads, and whooziwhatzis that
    can be linked together using toolbar functions. When complete, the
    programmer simply clicks on the "invent" icon (a lightbulb) and reams
    of notation code are automatically generated. For the advanced
    programmer, this module comes with the Graphical Library Object Parser
    (GLOP).

    HOOPLA goes beyond merely supporting and enhancing the standard
    object-oriented buzzwords. In addition to providing extensible code, HOOPLA
    supports existential code, allowing programmers to write programs that are
    out of this world. HOOPLA code is reusable, recyclable, refillable, and
    biodegradable, meeting all future government standards for nonpolluting
    code.

    Although object databases are relatively new, HOOPLA supports existing
    standards and sets the standards for future object- oriented database
    development with such robust constructs as ALIEN (Awfully Large Inclusions
    of Extra Nulls). Such powerful class types require a whole new approach to
    information retrieval, and HOOPLA stands up to the task with SMOKE
    (Single/Multiple Object Kwery and Extraction) and MIRROR (Massively
    Inefficient Random Retrieval of Object Resources).

    HOOPLA is slated to sell for $895. During the introductory period, however,
    HOOPLA will be available as a competitive upgrade for $6.95 if the title
    page from any Nancy Drew mystery is included with the order. A HOOPLA
    representative said, "It is appropriate. We want to take the mystery out of
    object- oriented programming."
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
    Subject: Unix support hotline, may I help you?
    From: toad@cellar.UUCP
    Keywords: unix, chuckle, true

    The following is original, but it's by our entire organization (which, for
    safety's sake, must remain anonymous).

    I work at the support hotline for a large company that sells Unix systems.
    Customer calls are first handled by a group of receptionists, who determine
    the general nature of each caller's problem or question and then place it
    on a queue. The receptionists attach a "headline" to each call, so that the
    support analysts can decide whether a particular call is within their area
    of expertise. Unfortunately, the receptionists are not generally familiar
    with Unix.

    Sometimes the receptionist mangles Unix in a funny way.

    * "Previous shelves have been filled. Processes are dangling."
    * "Trying to get a back door booth"
    * "Problem with supper block"
    * "Questions on the fuzzy disk controller"
    * "Problem with the getty desk"

    Spelling errors can happen.

    * "Question on COBOL air conditions"
    * "Problem with defunk processor"
    * "Mothly backup roots petition needs to verify"

    Sometimes there is strange imagery involved. Picture this:

    * "System running in two time zones"
    * "Error log file that self purges"
    * "The program keeps changing"
    * "Terminal is screaming"

    There is some hardware we just don't support.

    * "Getting rat errors"
    * "Part number for prompt chip"
    * "Put in new version of VCR has a couple of questions"

    This is clearly NOT a software problem.

    * "Terminal burning up -- smelling smoke"

    Maybe the machine would be happier in another room.

    * "Problems w/equiptment attached to Unix through short hall"

    Users may get a little fed up.

    * "The light is flashing"
    * "Getting error message that says enough already"
    * "Can something be done. If so, how?"

    Maybe our software is just too boring.

    * "Trying to run with terminal cannot get into software"

    This one came up just before war broke out in the gulf.

    * "Colonel destroyed"

    Sometimes, you just have to wonder...

    * "Users are getting bumped off and hanging up"
    ... What presence of mind, replacing the handset just as they die.
    * "Printer not talking properly"
    ... Start it on the simple words: see Spot run...
    * "Problem with PC going into the Unix box"
    ... Tell that PC to STAY PUT!
    * "How much swab space?"
    ... Check the QTIP parameter, or blow your nose before calling us.
    * "Command responds too rapidly"
    ... Maybe you can downgrade to a slower CPU.
    * "Would like to kill a certain group of users"
    ... Yeah, well, wouldn't we all.
    * "Syster is hung for the last 2 days"
    ... Sounds like a personal problem!

    Finally, this one is just too theoretical.

    * "How can she enter data into a hard coated field?"

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Newsgroups: bit.listserv.nutworks
    Subject: 1991 Unix support headlines
    From: toad@cellar.org
    Date: Sat, 29 Feb 92 4:30:4 EST

    (These went over well last year, so I kept a list for this year.)

    I work at the support hotline for a fairly large Unix vendor. Customer
    calls are intercepted by a group of receptionists, who determine the
    general nature of each caller's problem or question and then place it on an
    electronic queue. The receptionists attach a "headline" to each call, so
    that the support analysts can decide whether a particular call is in their
    area of expertise. Unfortunately, the receptionists are not generally
    familiar with Unix.

    Spelling errors can happen.

    * "The cron log file has exceeded 250 mega bite"
    * "Air message on consol"

    Sometimes there is strange imagery involved. Picture this:

    * "Cannot get into the library"
    * "Runaway process boards"
    * "Terminals need to be brightened up"
    ...you can ignore this problem until they're suicidal.
    * "Question about braking when dialing in from a modem"
    ...calling from your car phone?
    * "Does not see the boot"
    ...check the end of your foot.
    * "Terminal has no cusor and making a high pitch wine"
    ...mmmm, just LOVE that high pitch wine!
    * "Cannot get into Telnet"
    ...yeah, telnet is pretty boring.
    * "Constant memory vaults"
    ...you're using too many JUMP instructions.
    * "X's and O's on terminal"
    ...how cute, it's just telling you it loves you.
    * "Terminal density is gone - cannot see screen"
    ...someone call a physicist -- their system is losing its mass!
    * "Bust fault and reset of system"
    ...can the hardware guy install a bra?

    There is some hardware we just don't support.

    * "Install wife terminal"
    * "Has a PC that knocks down all terminals"
    * "Foot disk needs to be reformatted"
    ...contact your chiropractor.
    * "Actuary on printer is out"
    ...are they at an insurance company?

    This is clearly NOT a software problem.

    * "Trouble with electrical smell on system"

    This one came up a few weeks after Gorbachev had his trouble:

    * "When logging on, getting overthrow signal"

    Similarly:

    * "Warning regent table overthrow"

    Here's a stumper.

    * "EGA controller error grade andy controller, bell doesn't work"

    Users may get a little fed up.

    * "Is it possible to communicate with a Unix machine?"
    * "Too much paper during printing"

    Sometimes, you just have to wonder...

    * "Getting a parody error"
    * "If terminal is off, can't get prompt back"
    * "Having ahard disfailure"
    * "Question about configuration of Woodperfect"
    * "Set off a background process accidentally and wants to kill"
    ...I, too, would kill after making such a mistake.
    * "Questions on fox based software"
    ...those animals really do understand relational databases!
    * "Problem logging onto root, gets Chinese characters"
    ...oh, your console is upside-down.
    * "Each time he accesses a dose you have to reset the terminal"
    ...wow, man, the screen is breathing...
    * "Kill process logs users off system"
    ...it does tend to do that.
    * "Question on repetitioning the disc"
    ...we have here a signed statement: you should increase swap.
    * "Q how to do PCP over x dot 25"
    ...please, don't network under the influence.
    * "UPS DOWN"
    ...and down is up, right, sir?

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    A long time ago, in the city of Munich, the inhabitants were having a big
    problem. There was a massive increase in the number of dogs residing in the
    city. Not only were thousands of dogs, but they were BIG dogs.... real
    hounds to be exact. Anyway, the people of Munich bunched together and
    decided they would solve the problem by driving all the dogs out of the
    city and into the hills. So one day, they all grouped together and forced
    all the hounds out of the city and into the hills, thereby solving their
    problem.

    However, this action proved disastrous for the neighbouring town of Lieden.
    Lieden was a leader in the manufacturing of paper and the big paper mills
    provided work for many. As the hounds in the hills began to get hungry,
    they descended upon the small town of Lieden and were soon running a riot!
    All the shops were broken into as the dogs searched for food. As Lieden was
    much smaller than Munich, they didn't have the manpower to force the hounds
    out of the town and all the inhabitants decided to go to Munich and
    complain. As they were leaving their homes, suddenly a tremendous noise
    came from up on the hill, where the paper-mill was located. As all the
    residents were in the process of evacuating, they were puzzled as to who
    was running the mills. Suddenly, an old man spoke up, claiming he knew the
    answer. He took a deep breath and said....

    "The mills are alive with the hounds of Munich!"
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Origination: Classical Music Mailing List
    Original Author: Gerry Grzyb (GRZYB@VAXA.CIS.UWOSH.EDU)
    Original Subject: Re: Non-musical: Meow (Was Re: home)
    Date: Wed, 10 Jan 1996 21:51:34 -0600

    As briefly as possible: Hokey and Pokey were litter mates in a third
    generation of heavily inbred cats. Though we named 'em at birth, it turned
    out that while Hokey was high-strung and affectionate (and jet black),
    Pokey was--uh, retarded (and mostly white, with black splotches). You could
    accidentally step on Pokey, and he'd look up at you as if to say "why me?"

    The fun came when Hokey would do stuff (always involving water) to Pokey
    while we were out. Two funniest incidents: Hokey got Pokey into the bathtub
    (an old four-footed job), reached down with his paw and turned on the
    water. We came home to the sound of running water, and poor Pokey in about
    an inch of water (good thing the drain was open!). Even better, Hokey got
    Pokey to walk on the toilet seat (with the lid up) and Pokey fell in. We
    come home to the sound of pitful meows and a the sight of Pokey with his
    lower half in the water. Hokey ALWAYS had this look that said "Boy! Do I
    have a stupid brother or what!".

    But they worked together on my favorite incident. The house was old, and
    the closet in which we kept storage boxes had a door that didn't fit quite
    right. The cats could turn a paw upside down under the door and pull it
    open, and they loved to play in there. One day we came home to find the
    door open and the contents of the closet looking like a tornado had struck.
    What was priceless was the look on the cats as they coolly came out of the
    room with the closet BEFORE we even saw the damage. The look said "What you
    are about to see was done by OTHER CATS! Mean, tough cats from outside of
    the neighborhood. Heaven knows we tried to stop them, but they were too
    mean and tough!"

    A dog couldn't hide guilt to save its life, but a cat? The ultimate liars!

    Come to think of it, I remember the look on their mother's face when she
    tried to jump onto the molding above a doorway. She landed on it, but since
    it was only a half-inch wide, she fell off immediately. But her LOOK said
    "Of course I knew I couldn't land there--I was just showing YOU that it
    couldn't be done."

    Gerry McDowall
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    READING THE SIGNS:

    How To Make Shallow Snap Judgements
    Taken From Women's Glibber

    The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden
    signs, those giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a person.
    Train yourself to recognize - and decode - these KEY "SIGNS."

    1. Woman won't unlock car door for man - Doesn't engage in oral sex

    2. Man gets in car withour opening door for woman - No foreplay

    3. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant - Prefers virgins

    4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant but gets lost on the way - Is
    a virgin

    5. Can't hail a cab - Impotent

    6. Insists on going to a homely little cafe with windmill motif -
    Compulsive Don Quixote

    7. Insists on going to a romantic candle-lit restaurant - Compulsive Don
    Juan

    8. Insists on going to a Polynesian bar - Compulsive Don Ho

    9. Wants to go to a French restaurant - Will swallow

    10. Wants to go to a deli - Won't swallow

    11. Takes too long deciding what to order - Has trouble reaching orgasm

    12. Orders salad dressing on the side - Will give you a hand job, but will
    not go "all the way"

    13. Gives explicit orders to waiter - Will expect incredibly skillful
    gymnastics in bed

    14. Asks for extra rolls - Will say she is using birth control when she's
    not, will get pregnant and sue

    15. Insists on ordering for you, referring to you as "The lady will
    have..." - Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't

    16. Asks for "The Usual" - Insists on missionary position only

    17. Asks what the specials are - Will want you to use handcuffs

    18. Fills up on bread and crackers - Premature ejaculation

    19. Doesn't finish everything on plate - Has already come

    20. Insists on having some of whatever you orderded - Will make you sleep
    on the wet spot

    21. Changes mind after ordering - Will never call you

    22. Changes tables - Nyphomaniac

    23. Drinks Decaf. - Fakes Orgasm (Female)

    24. Orders in French - Fakes Orgasm (Male)

    25. Sends food back - Will sleep with you, brag to all his friends, then
    try to borrow money

    26. Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts - Needs you to talk dirty
    during sex

    27. Orders a dessert involving ladyfingers - Wants a handjob

    28. Orders a dessert involving nuts - Castrating Bitch

    29. Wants to split dessert - Is dying to get rid of her apartment, move in
    with you, rearrange all your closets, and take down all your baseball
    posters

    30. Credit card is refused - Low sperm count

    31. Undertips waiter - Small penis

    32. Undertips parking valet - Small penis

    33. Undertips cabbie - Small penis

    34. Uses toothpick - Is trying to tell you size isn't everything

    35. Removable cassette player in car - Pulls out repeatedly during sex

    36. Cellular phone in car - Penile inplant
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    To My Dear Wife,

    During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have
    succeeded 12 times. The following list is why I didn't succeed often.

    1. The sheets are clean. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .54 times
    2. It is too late. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .17 times
    3. Too tired from shopping all day. . . . . . . . . . 49 times
    4. It is too early. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 20 times
    5. It is too hot. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 times
    6. Pretending to be asleep. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15 times
    7. The neighbors will hear us. . . . . . . . . . . . .3 times
    8. Headache. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .22 itmes
    9. Sunburn. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7 times
    10. Your Mother will hear us. . . . . . . . . . . . . .9 times
    11. Not in the mood. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43 times
    12. You will wake the baby. . . . . . . . . . .. . . . 17 times
    13. Watching the late show. . . . . . . . . .. . . . . 6 times
    14. New Hairdo. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .5 times
    15. Too sore. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .16 times
    16. Wrong time of month. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .36 times
    17. Have to get up early. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19 times

    Of the 12 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 2
    times you just laid there, 4 times you reminded me that there was a crack
    in the ceiling, 3 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 2
    times I had to wake you up to tell you that I had finished, and once I was
    afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    To My Dear Husband,

    I think that you have gotten things a little confused. Here are the real
    reasons you did not get it more often than you did.

    1. Came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat. . . . . . 15 times
    2. Did not come home at all. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .36 times
    3. Did not come. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .21 times
    4. Came too soon. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 33 times
    5. Went soft before you got it in. . . . . . . . . . . .33 times
    6. Toes cramped. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .10 times
    7. Working too late. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .38 times
    8. Have to get up early to play golf. . . . . . . . . . 29 times
    9. Had a fight and someone kicked you in the balls. . . 2 times
    10. Caught Herman in your zipper. . . . . . . . . . . . .4 times
    11. Caught a cold and your nose kept running. . . . . . .3 times
    12. Burned your tongue on hot coffee. . . . . . . . . . .3 times
    13. You had a splinter in your finger. . . . . . . . . . 2 times
    14. Came in your PJ's while reading a dirty book. . . . .16 times
    15. Watching football on TV. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 98 times
    16. Hemorrhoids flared up. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10 times

    Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you
    were fucking the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling.
    What I said was, would you prefer me on my back or kneeling. The time you
    felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe!!
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    I work as a systems administrator, and part of my job involves answering
    questions about computers. I generally like my job, but sometimes it gets
    on my nerves. When people ask me what I find so irritating, this is what I
    tell them:

    Imagine that you are a salesperson for Ikea (substitute "furniture store"
    if you don't know what "Ikea" is). You get a phone call that goes like
    this.

    Customer: I'd like to buy a kitchen table.

    You: That's fine; we have many styles of kitchen tables, I'm sure you can
    find one you like.

    C: I need one that's 3 feet by 5 feet and has a butcher block top.

    Y: Yes, we have a table like that. You can pick it up today.

    C: OK, how can I get it back to my house?

    Y: Well, it comes disassembled, so you can just put it on a roof rack. We
    can loan you a roof rack if you don't have one.

    C: But how do I get there?

    Y: We're just off exit 25 of the Turnpike. Where are you coming from?

    C: Wait, wait, you're going way too fast for me. I have a Toyota Celica in
    my driveway, and the keys are in my hand. What do I do next?

    - And, whatever you say at this point, the response is always the same:

    C: But all I want is a kitchen table! Why does it have to be so
    COMPLICATED!
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Top Ten Anagrams for "Information Superhighway"

    10. Enormous, hairy pig with fan
    9. Hey, ignoramus -- win profit? Ha!
    8. Oh-oh, wiring snafu: empty air
    7. When forming, utopia's hairy
    6. A rough whimper of insanity
    5. Oh, wormy infuriating phase
    4. Inspire humanity, who go far
    3. Waiting for any promise, huh?
    2. Hi-ho! Yow! I'm surfing Arpanet!

    And the number one anagram for "Information Superhighway":

    1. New utopia? Horrifying sham
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    [email]

    INS

    "Would You Believe?"

    The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car
    drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest
    words possible. The instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even
    incompetent writing may be highly entertaining.

    * Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I
    don't have.

    * The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its
    intentions.

    * I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my
    head through it.

    * I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

    * A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

    * The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times
    before I hit him.

    * I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law
    and headed over the embankment.

    * In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

    * I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I
    reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I
    did not see the other car.

    * I was on my way to the doctor with rear-end trouble when my universal
    joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

    * I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and
    had an accident.

    * My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

    * The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

    * A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

    * As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place
    where no stop sign ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time
    to avoid the accident.

    * I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the
    road when I struck him.

    * I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the
    roof of my car.

    * I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat,
    found that I had a fractured skull.

    * The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car
    with a big mouth.

    * I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a
    ditch by some stray cows.

    * The telephone pole was approaching, I was attempting to swerve out of
    its way, when it struck the front end.

    * To avoid hitting the bumper on the car in front, I struck the
    pedestrian.

    * An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE

    Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would
    give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you
    undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer maneuver.
    Which is why we ask you to:

    PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK
    THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND
    PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR
    CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR
    VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS
    FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES
    RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!?

    We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're always
    getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that the consumer
    inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six days. So, in writing these
    instructions, we naturally tend to assume that your skull is filled with
    dead insects, but we mean nothing by it. OK? Now let's talk about:

    1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE

    The device is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping People, who
    like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing boxes.

    PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE BARKER'S
    ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS
    WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES.

    Ida Mae really wants that ring back, because it is her only proof of
    engagement, and her fiancee, Stuart, is now seriously considering backing
    out on the whole thing in as much as he had consumed most of a bottle of
    Jim Beam in Quality Control when he decided to pop the question. It is not
    without irony that Ida Mae's last name is "Barker", if you get our drift.

    WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF THE
    PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS.

    If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing one
    single peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling manner
    exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern Europe.

    Besides the device, the box should contain:

    * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
    * A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and
    two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.

    YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.

    IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your
    spouse and say "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that
    can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a
    major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why."

    WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. And not Pete.

    2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE

    The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the electrical
    industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in a continuing effort to prevent
    consumers from causing hazardous electrical current to flow through their
    appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug, then the Plug Where One Prong
    is Bigger Than the Other. Your device is equipped with the revolutionary
    new Plug Whose Prongs Consist of Six Small Religious Figurines Made of
    Chocolate.

    DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN!

    Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight, and
    clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief.

    WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A SHARP
    OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR EYE OUT, AS
    THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.

    3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE

    WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL
    WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE
    INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS
    RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF
    "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.

    INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our advising that:
    NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the battery. Next taking the
    (something) earth section may cause a large occurrence! However.If this is
    not a trouble, such rotation is a very maintainence action, as a kindly
    (something) virepoint from Drawing B.

    4. WARRANTY

    Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not excluding all
    those certain parts thereunto, shall be warrantied against all defects,
    failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and Thursday afternoon
    shortly before 2, during which time the Manufacturer will, at no charge to
    the Owner, send the device to our Service People, who will emerge from
    their caves and engage in rituals designed to cleanse it of evil spirits.
    This warranty does not cover the attractive designer case.

    WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER HAS
    "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Imperial Rhapsody

    (sung to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsoody, by Queen)

    Lando: This is the good life
    This is a fantasy
    Working on Bespin
    An escape from Reality.
    Leia: Open your eyes
    Stand up to their guys and see.
    Luke: I'm just a farmboy, I need some sympathy
    Cus who's my dad, I dunno
    Little whine, little moan.
    Han: Anywhere the Force goes, doesn't really matter, to me

    Piett: Vader just killed a man.
    Raised an arm up in the air
    Now his life is no longer there.
    Vader, we had just begun,
    And now I've gone and lost the reb-el scum.
    Vader, oooooooo.
    Did mean too make you mad
    If I'm not alive again this time tomorrow,
    There'll be a new admiral, as if nothing ever happened.

    Yoda: Too late, my time has come,
    Sends shivers down my spine
    Body's aching all the time.
    Luke: Goodbye everybody, I've got to go
    Gootta leave you all behind and learn the Force.
    Piett: Vader, ooooooooooo,
    I don't wanna die
    I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all.

    Luke: I see a little silhouetto of a man
    Palpatine, Palpatine, can it be the Emperor?
    Thunderbolts and lightning, very very hurting me!
    R2-D2, R2-D2,
    R2-D2, R2-D2,
    R2-D2, Where'd ya go? C-3PO O O O O O OH!

    I'm just a farmboy, nobody loves me.
    Rebels: He's just a farmboy, with a dead family.
    Spare him this life of such mundacity!
    Han: Spice'll come, spice'll go. Jabba let me go.
    Jabba: Boo shuda! (NO, we will not let you go)
    Han: Let me go!
    Jabba: Bo shuda! (We will not let you go)
    Han: Let me go!
    Jabba: Bo shuda! (We will not let you go)
    Han: LET ME GO!
    Jabba: WILL NOT LET YOU GOO!
    Han: LET ME GO! Jabba: WILL NOT LET YOU GO!

    Han: LET ME GO!
    Jabba: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!

    C-3PO: Oh R2-D2, R2-D2, R2-D2, Come along.
    Leia: C-3PO has a rebel put aside for meeee, for meeee. for MEEEEEEEEEE!

    (Stormtroopers start headbanging)

    Luke: So you say you're the dear old dad of mine?
    But you cut my hand off and left me to die!
    Oh Vader, can't do this to me, Vader.
    I know there's some good, I know there's still some good in you.

    Obiwan: May the Force be with you.
    Use the Force to see.
    May the Force be with you,
    May the Force be with you, alwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays.

    Han: Anywhere the Force goes, doesn't really mat-ter, to meeeeeeeeeee.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    There was this male engineer, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean for the
    first time. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was being
    waited on hand an foot. But, it did not last. A hurricane came up
    unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly.

    The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island.
    There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies,
    nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but
    that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of
    it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and
    mostly looked to the sea mightily for a ship to come to his rescue.

    One day, as he was lying on the beech stroking his beard and looking for a
    ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true,
    was it a ship? No, from around the corner of the island came this rowboat.
    In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in 4
    months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze
    gave her an almost ethereal quality. She spotted him also as he was waving
    and yelling and screaming to get her attention. She rowed her boat towards
    him.

    In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here"?

    She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this
    island when my cruise ship sank."

    "Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of
    you are there? Where did you get the rowboat? You must have been really
    lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you!"

    "It is only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing else
    did."

    "Well then," said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?"

    "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island,"
    replied the woman. "The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I wove
    the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a
    eucalyptus tree."

    "But, but," asked the man, "what about tools and hardware, how did you do
    that?"

    "Oh, no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there
    is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired
    it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile
    iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But,
    enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?"

    At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the
    beach.

    "Well, let's row over to my place," she said. So they both got into the
    rowboat and left for her side of island.

    The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to
    her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They
    walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree; there stood an exquisite
    bungalow painted in blue and white.

    "It's not much," she said, "but I call it home. Sit down please, would you
    like to have a drink?"

    "No," said the man, "one more coconut juice and I will puke."

    "It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still; how about
    a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted,
    and they sat down on her couch to talk.

    After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, "Tell
    me, have you always had a beard?"

    "No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the
    cruise ship."

    "Well if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in the
    cabinet in the bathroom." So, the man, no longer questioning anything, went
    upstairs to the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone
    handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its
    end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back
    downstairs.

    "You look great," said the woman. "I think I will go up and slip into
    something more comfortable." So she did.

    And, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the
    woman returned wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling
    faintly of gardenia.

    "Tell me," she asked, "we have both been out here for a very long time with
    no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there
    anything that you really miss? Something that all men and woman need.
    Something that it would be really nice to have right now."

    "Yes there is," the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while
    fixing a winsome gaze upon her, "Tell me ... Do you happen to have an
    Internet connection?"
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    One day Ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina Morning I go down to eat
    breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only
    one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you
    no understand . I wanna two piss onna my plate. She say you better not piss
    onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me
    sonna ma bitch.

    Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon
    and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna
    fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you
    better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the
    lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.

    So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. I
    call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I
    say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit
    onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man and he call me
    sonna ma bitch.

    I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you". I say
    piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    [email]

    ITO

    Editor's Note: This is the only OJ joke that I found funny enough to
    include on this page.

    Lance Ito's Sidebar & Grill

    If You Have An Hour To Kill,
    Please Join Us For Dinner

    APPETIZERS

    ROSA LOPEZ NACHOS...................$3.95
    Spicy, with a thick Mexican accent.
    Nachos haven't been this good since...well, we can't remember!
    ______________________________________

    SALADS

    KATO SALAD..............................$3.95
    An empty head of lettuce, with very little dressing.
    ______________________________________

    FROM THE BAR

    RON GOLDMAN WINE....................$3.95
    Young vintage, good body. But you have to bring your own glasses.

    PAULA BARBIERI COCKTAIL............$3.95
    O.J. with a little honey on the side. Goes down real easy.

    MARCIA CLARK BEER....................$1.95
    We thought we had a case, but now we're not sure.
    ______________________________________

    SANDWICHES

    SIMPSON ALIBI SANDWICH.............$4.25
    Full of baloney, and hard to swallow, but lots of stupid people are buying
    it!
    ______________________________________

    SOUP

    SOUP DuJURY..............................$4.95
    Aged for over a year. May be bitter.
    ______________________________________

    FROM THE GRILL

    MARK FUHRMAN CHICKEN PLATE....$5.95
    Absolutely no dark meat.

    VEAL A'LA NICOLE........................$4.95
    Well battered, and sliced. Served without the head.

    DENNIS FUNG PLATE......................$5.95
    Grilled detective, served open face. May be contaminated.
    ______________________________________

    DESSERT

    Sorry, our Bakery is TEMPORARILY CLOSED. The Lawyers have taken all the
    dough.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    I Want Your Vax

    (with thanks and apologies to George Michael for his landmark of pop-trash,
    "I want your Sex")

    (spoken, from the video)

    In the past, there were arguments for and
    against networked systems
    it was a question of resource efficiency.
    These days, it's merely a question of licensing.
    it's as simple as that...
    This is not a song about clustered VAX.

    There's things that you guess,
    and things that you know.
    There's patches you trust,
    and source code you don't.
    There's cabling you hide,
    and consoles that you show.
    Sometimes you think it's gonna reboot,
    but it don't and that's just the way it goes.

    I swear I won't tease you, won't format your drives,
    don't need no tech specs, just call up my lines.
    I've waited so long baby now that you're mine.
    your warranty's over, let's get it on-line.

    I want your VAX.
    VAX/VMS.
    I want your VAX.
    I want your --- VAX.

    It's paging out to disk, I'm swapping the console.
    It's streaming onto tape, (unison) so why don't you just let it load.
    I'd really like to try, oh I'd really like to know,
    when you tell me you're gonna reboot it, then I say
    I'm gonna login but you still say no.

    I swear I won't tease you, won't format your drives, (yeah)
    don't need no tech specs, just call up my lines. (ooohhh)
    I've waited so long baby, just to connect.
    why don't we sync up, my wiring's a wreck.

    I want your VAX.
    VAX/VMS.
    I want your VAX.
    I want your --- VAX.

    VAX, oh!

    (solo guitar, or bass, or something)

    It's digital, It's terminal (let's boot it)
    It's logical, electrical (you will boot it)
    It's virtual, but most of all ...

    VAX is something we should do,
    VAX is something that's not Big Blue.
    VAX is natural, VAX is good.
    Not everyone's got Digital, but everybody should.
    VAX is natural, VAX is fun.
    VAX is best when it's .... one on one.
    one on one.

    Whoo, VAX (I'm not a programmer)
    Whoo, VAX (I'm not your manager)
    Whoo, VAX (Talk to your sysop)
    Whoo, VAX (I am the user!)

    Whoo, VAX, Whoo, VAX
    L-L-L-L- Log-on!

    What's your definition of kludgy baby?
    What do you consider functionality?
    Don't you know I'll log on 'till it crashes baby
    Don't you think it's time you had VAX with me?

    What's your definition of kludgy baby?
    What do you call functionality?
    Don't you know I'll log on 'till it crashes baby
    Don't you think it's time you had VAX with me?

    VAX with me?

    VAX with me?

    mmmmm

    Have VAX with me?

    huh, l-l-l-l-log off!
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    From: julie@DRYCAS.CLUB.CC.CMU.EDU (Song Weaver)
    Subject: "'Twas brisling and the smithy toes..."

    I decided to run "The Jabberwocky" through my spell- checker once again,
    just to see what would happen. This is a different spell checker from the
    last time I saw it done so the results are a little different. The funniest
    thing was that this spell-checker accepted "gyre" as an acceptable word.
    Anyway, enjoy ;-)

    --Julie, who'd rather do this than study for her last exam of the term.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Jabberwocky

    Lewis Carroll

    'Twas brisling, and the smithy toes
    Did gyre and gamble in the wade:
    All missy were the boor gives,
    And the mom rates out garb.

    "Beware the Jabber wacky, my son!
    The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
    Beware the Jujube bird, and shun
    The furious Banker snatch!"

    He took his coral sword in hand:
    Long time the man home foe he sought---
    So rested he by the Tub tummy tree,
    And stood awhile in thought.

    And, as in offish thought he stood,
    The Jabber wacky, with eyes of flame,
    Came whiffing through the bulgy wood,
    And burbled as it came!

    One, two! One, two! And through and through
    The coral blade went snicker-snack!
    He left it dead, and with its head
    He went gallium ping back.

    "And hats the slain the Jabber wacky?
    Come to my arms, my bearish boy!
    O frab jous day! Callooh! Callay!"
    He chortled in his joy.

    'Twos brisling, and the smithy toes
    Did gyre and gamble in the wade:
    All missy were the boor gives,
    And the mom rates out garb.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a HONK
    IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper
    of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience
    followed!

    I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought
    about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper
    sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus.

    Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love the
    Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus
    Christ!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him
    shouting, "GO JESUS CHRIST,GO!"

    Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and
    smiled to all of those loving people.

    There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him
    yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a funny way
    with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

    I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each
    other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I
    leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

    Several cars behind, a very nice black man stepped out of his car and
    yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like,
    "Mother trucker," or "Mother's from there." Maybe he was from Florida, too.
    He must really love the Lord.

    A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they
    got out of their cars and were walking toward me. I bet they wanted to
    pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed to yellow, and
    stepped on the gas.

    And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the
    intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the
    window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I
    drove away.

    Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    [email]

    JOB

    THE PERVERSE GUIDE TO GETTING HIRED

    by Alan Meiss, ameiss@indiana.edu

    Part 1 - The Resume

    Your resume is a crucial document that summarizes the essence of
    your being to a potential employer. You must grab a personnel
    director's attention with your sheer, overpowering wonderfulness,
    or your vitae will wind up lining the bottom of her parakeet's
    cage. Write a boring resume and you might as well run down now
    and join the other unemployed grads behind the appliance store,
    fighting for the choicest refigerator carton to live in.

    To grab an employer's jaded eye you must create the written
    equivalent of a banshee wail! Print your resume on hunter's
    orange paper, so it nearly leaps out of the stack. Experiment
    with striking fonts, and use as many as possible. Writing your
    name in 2 inch high 3-D Western style letters at the top says
    "Check ME out! I'm no shrinking violet!" Sprinkle a bit of your
    most sensual cologne on the sheet, and ladies, be sure to add a
    good lipstick smooch mark at the bottom. Don't forget your
    picture, too! Be sure and staple several of your best 8x10
    glossies from Glamor Shots on top.

    Now that you've achieved that visceral "oomph", it's time to
    polish the contents to bring out or even invent your positive
    qualities. Remember, a skilled wordsmith can transform any
    qualification or attribute, no matter how trifling, into a
    salable skill. Let's look at some examples of putting the best
    "spin" on a job seeker's skills:
    -----------------------------------------------------------------

    "I flipped burgers for three weeks at Lardee's."

    A mere burger flipper? Why sell yourself so short? Describe
    yourself as a "Grill Coordinator", or perhaps a "Culinary
    Technician".
    -----------------------------------------------------------------

    "I subbed in for my nephew's paper route one weekend."

    Ah! So you were previously employed in "Communication Services!"
    Describe yourself as a "Journalism Representative."
    -----------------------------------------------------------------

    "I spent the last five years sitting on a couch eating Cheetos
    and watching Charlie's Angels reruns."

    You can transform the pathetic into the energetic by referring to
    yourself as a "Consumer Broadcasting Specialist." Let them know
    how much time you've wisely invested in "Popular Drama Studies."
    -----------------------------------------------------------------

    "I worked in telemarketing."

    Die you scumbag.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------

    "I like to drink 3 or 4 bottles of Night Train wine and pass out
    in a puddle of my own urine."

    I see! An "Alternative Hygiene Researcher" who throws himself
    into his work!
    -----------------------------------------------------------------

    Always remember to use active, "can-do" language in your resume,
    and be sure to include as many of the following terms as
    possible:

    * Excellence (can't get enough of this one!)
    * Goal-oriented
    * Forward-thinking
    * Striving
    * Like Working with People (as opposed to zoo animals)

    It may be useful to define these as keyboard macros immediately.

    Part 2 - The Interview

    So now you've got that big chance to shine in person. Once again,
    you've got to stand out from the crowd! First, consider your
    apparel carefully. Gold lame harem pants will leave a lasting
    impression, as will a nice fish or penis tie, available in
    classier novelty stores. Make these items staples of your
    professional wardrobe. Next, practice that handshake, and
    consider adding a little thumb twist manuever or a good
    high-five. And remember, no one likes shaking dry, chapped hands,
    so make sure yours are damp when you leave the restroom. Now jump
    right in, and distinguish yourself with your first words. Here's
    some suggestions for opening lines:

    * "The voices told me I'm perfect for this job."
    * "I can make an impressive incendiary device from just your
    tie, that pen, and a quart of anti-freeze."
    * "Maybe you can't tell, but I'm not wearing any underwear."
    * "Let's make this fast, I'm late for my medication."
    * "The foil wrapped around my head is to block out invisible
    rays."
    * "I was once abducted by a UFO, and the aliens let me pilot
    their starship."
    * "I brought my invisible friend, is that okay?"
    * "I have the gift of second sight, and if you step on Flight
    109, it will be your last!"

    Now that you've made a big impression, make sure you'll have
    plenty of time to expound upon your finer qualities. Consider
    handcuffing yourself to the interviewer's desk, or perhaps smear
    super-glue on your hand and grab them while shouting "Wonder twin
    powers, activate!"

    Conclude the interview as notably as you began it. A gratuity is
    always welcome, so palm the interviewer a crisp new dollar in the
    closing handshake while saying "Guess Mr. Washington and I have
    this job wrapped up, huh? (wink, wink)" And certainly don't
    forget the follow-up! Unless a restraining order has been
    obtained by the employer, call collect every hour thereafter to
    remind them of your sincerity.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------
    Back to Miscellaneous Jokes

    Back to Tina'a Humor Archives main page

    Comments

    From: angus@aegypt.demon.co.uk (Angus McIntyre)
    Newsgroups: demon.local
    Subject: Re: More bloody junk email
    Organization: Rev'd Jack's Roamin' Cadillac Church

    Mike Fleming wrote:
    >I'm going to quote email here because it's not personal, it's junk.
    >Has anyone else received this crap?
    >
    >Quote:
    >
    >From: "Peter S. Russell"
    >Date: Fri, 6 Oct 1995 8:46:00
    >Subject: Client Server Management HandiGuide(r)
    >To: mike@tauzero.demon.co.uk
    >
    >Mike, I can see from your recent posting that you
    >know the value of a well managed client server environment.
    >Our Client Server Management HandiGuide(r) ...

    Interesting. When I received this - same source - it was the 'Infosystems
    Job Description Handiguide(r)'. The following, for your entertainment, is
    the message that I posted back to them. Oddly enough, I haven't heard from
    them since:
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    To: "Peter S. Russell"
    From: angus@aegypt.demon.co.uk (Angus McIntyre)
    Subject: Re: Job Descriptions HandiGuide(r)
    Cc:

    At 1:51 PM 31.08.95, Peter S. Russell wrote:
    >Angus, we have written a book that can really
    >make your life easier. It's called the Information
    >Systems Position Description HandiGuide.

    Dear Mr Russell

    Thank you for your message. Sadly, having once responded to a job offer
    advertised in a similar publication without reading the small print
    thoroughly beforehand, I have now become a bond serf for life to the lineal
    descendents of Duke Tostig of Mercia, something which restricts
    considerably my freedom to seek alternative employment. Indeed, under the
    terms of the Witmoot Charter on Villeins, Chattels and Serfs (originally
    instituted in 961 but, by some quaint accident of English law, never
    actually repealed), a bonded serf may be summarily strung up by his thumbs
    (or, in the event that he has no thumbs, by such other appendage as shall
    seem appropriate) for even considering leaving his master. While my duties
    as a serf are not onerous, involving mostly turnip-gathering, wood-hewing,
    pig-minding and the maintenance of a large object-oriented DBMS written in
    C++, and I have no real reason to complain of my lot in life, you will
    understand if I am not immediately in a position to take advantage of the
    possibilities offered by your no doubt excellent handbook.

    This being the case, I would be grateful if you could remove my name from
    your database. I remain,

    Yours feudally,

    Angus McIntyre
    Bond serf to Duke Godwin VIII of Mercia
    Special Pig-Keeping Division

    P.S. What would really make my life easier is if I could find a way to keep
    the speckled sow from getting into the kitchen garden and eating the young
    vegetables. Do you think that your handbook is large enough and heavy
    enough that if I threw it at her, it might have some kind of deterrent
    effect?

    --
    "Huru Welandes worc ne geswices monna aenigum Ducal House of Mercia
    sara se Mimming can heardne gehealdan." Est. 1013 A.D. Fid.Def.

    The opinions expressed in this message are not those of the Duke of Mercia, and
    cannot be those of the serf, serfs having by definition no opinions. They may,
    however, be those of one of the pigs, or possibly of a turnip.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    I suspect that as a tactic, it'll probably lose its usefulness if
    over-used, but you might care to try something similar.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    From: knodel@cis.ohio-state.edu (Jeff Knodel)
    Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
    Subject: Kids say the funniest things
    Date: 31 Jul 91 10:30:04 GMT

    Excerpted from the Columbus Dispatch, (compiled by 'accent' staff) 5/15/91:
    [Accent is the only portion of the Dispatch worth reading, IMHO]

    "Accent asked students at Columbus' Beck School, and Dublin's Chapman
    Elementary to study a list of 20 axioms with the key words missing."

    [Here are a few of my favorites:]

    If you can't stand the heat, get a Pool.
    If you can't stand the heat, get out of the oven.

    A bird in the hand is messy.

    Don't count your chickens, eat them.

    You can't teach and old dog new math.

    When in Rome, do Roman numerals in math.
    When in Rome, do bulls run around town?

    Too many cooks, so little meals.

    A fool and his money are my best friends.

    A penny saved is one cent.

    Look before you run into a pole.

    A watched pot never disappears.

    A rolling stone makes you flat.
    A rolling stone is a singing rock group.

    Every cloud has a wet spot.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
    Subject: The computer generation
    Keywords: computer, true, chuckle
    Date: 31 Jul 91 23:30:05 GMT

    My brother claims that this morning he heard his 5-year-old and his
    3-year-old in the bathroom together and eavesdropped on their conversation:

    Little brother: What do I do now?
    Big brother: Throw the toilet paper in the toilet.
    Little brother: Like this?
    Big brother: Yeah.
    Little brother: Now what?
    Big brother: Hit "ENTER".
    Little brother: "ENTER"?
    Big brother: I mean "flush".
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    From: regisjoh@datasync.com (Regis Johanns)

    WHY PEOPLE FALL IN LOVE

    "One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has
    freckles too." --Andrew, age 6

    "No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how
    you smell ... That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." --Mae, age
    9

    "I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the
    rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." --Manuel, age 8

    ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

    "Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." --John, age 9

    "If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to
    do it. It takes too long." --Glenn, age 7

    ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE

    "If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it
    doesn't hurt to be beautiful." --Anita C., age 8

    "It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything
    and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." --Brian, age 7

    "Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."
    --Christine, age 9

    REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE

    "Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good
    too." --Greg, age 8

    CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS

    "They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good
    money for them." --Gavin, age 8

    "They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle
    someday and do the holy matchimony thing." --John, age 9

    CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

    "I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' is on
    television." --Jill, age 6

    "Love is foolish ... but I still might try it sometime." --Floyd, age 9

    "Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place ... We were behind a tree."
    --Carey, age 7

    "Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying
    to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." --Dave,
    age 8

    "I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."
    --Regina, age 10

    SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

    "Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." --Del, age 6

    "Shake your hips and hope for the best." --Camille, age 9

    "Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs ... and don't worry
    if their parents are right there." --Manuel, age 8

    "Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention,
    but attention ain't the same thing as love." --Alonzo, age 9

    "One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes
    to eat. French fries usually works for me." --Bart, age 9

    WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"

    "The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers
    at least once a day." --Michelle, age 9

    "Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got
    it out and said it and now they can go eat." --Dick, age 7

    HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED?

    "I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all
    over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even
    stoves in their houses." --Gina, age 8

    HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS

    "You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls." --Julia, age
    7

    "You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of
    you." --Brian, age 7

    "It might help to watch soap operas all day." --Carin, age 9

    WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

    "When they're rich." --Pam, age 7

    "It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you ... That's
    why I stopped doing it." --Tammy, age 10

    "If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person,
    you have to ask permission." --Roger, age 6

    "I look at kissing like this: Kissing is fine if you like it, but it's a
    free country and nobody should be forced to do it."

    HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE

    "Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." --Dick, age 7

    "Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out
    the trash." --Dave, age 8

    HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?

    "Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in
    love." --Bobby, age 9

    "Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold...
    Other people care more about the food." --Bart, age 9

    "Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing
    jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up." --Sarah,
    age 9

    "See if the man has lipstick on his face." --Sandra, age 7

    "It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like
    to order those because it's just like how their hearts are -- on fire."
    --Christine, age 9

    TITLES OF THE LOVE BALLADS YOU CAN SING TO YOUR BELOVED

    "'How Do I Love Thee When You're Always Picking Your Nose?'" --Arnold, age
    10

    "'You Are My Darling Even Though You Also Know My Sister.'" --Larry, age 8

    "'I Love Hamburgers, I Like You!'" --Eddie, age 6

    "'I Am in Love with You Most of the Time, but Don't Bother Me When I'm with
    My Friends.'" --Bob, age 9

    "'Hey, Baby, I Don't like Girls but I'm Willing to Forget You Are One!'"
    --Will, age 7

    "'Honey, I Got Your Curly Hair and Your Nintendo on My Mind.'" --Sharon,
    age 9

    CONCERNING THE ORIGINS OF LOVE

    "Cupid kissed God and that got the ball rollin'." --Julio, age 9

    "One of the Greek lady gods got a crush on one of the Greek man gods. He
    tried to hit her with lightning and thunderbolts, but he just couldn't get
    her away from him ... After a while, they became the first married gods."
    --Robbie, age 8

    HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE?

    "Mooshy ... like puppy dogs ... except puppy dogs don't wag their tails
    nearly as much." --Arnold, age 10

    "When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they
    don't get up for at least an hour." --Wendy, age 8

    "All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in
    the dark." --Sherm, age 8

    THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE A GOOD LOVER

    "Sensitivity don't hurt." --Robbie, age 8

    "One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have
    tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." --Ava, age 8
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Kid Science

    The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays,
    exams, and class room discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They
    illustrate Mark Twain's contention that the 'most interesting i nformation
    comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.'

    Question: What is one horsepower? Answer: One horsepower is the amount of
    energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

    You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to
    getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.

    Talc is found on rocks and on babies.

    The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.

    When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with
    atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with
    explosions.

    When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When
    planets do it we say they are orbiting.

    Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

    While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it
    is really only centrificating.

    Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any
    direction.

    South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still
    manage.

    Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back
    into a sun in the daytime.

    Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees
    between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north
    and south.

    A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to
    go.

    There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be
    discovered. Finding them all means living forever.

    There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth
    because of so much population stomping around up there these days.

    Lime is a green-tasting rock.

    Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to
    be oil.

    Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you
    should.

    Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're
    there.

    Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so
    sometimes it's brother against brother.

    Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have
    never been able to make out the numbers.

    We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets
    blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

    To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists
    solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

    In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice
    as many H's as O's.

    Clouds are high flying fogs.

    I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and
    that is the important thing.

    Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is
    not much else to do.

    Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a
    drop, it does.

    Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.

    We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.

    Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.

    Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

    In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.

    Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the
    strongest man.

    A blizzard is when it snows sideways.

    A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.

    A monsoon is a French gentleman.

    Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

    Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

    It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other
    places.

    The wind is like the air, only pushier.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    [H&R Block, editor's note: The following is a real letter submitted to the
    IRS in the midst of last year's weird and bizarre denial of dependents,
    exemptions, and credits. We believe the letter speaks for itself.]

    Dear Sirs:

    I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three
    dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have
    questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil
    and expensive. It's only fair that since they are minors and not my
    responsibility that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care
    for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the
    next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the
    deduction. This year they are yours!

    The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you
    put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions
    about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to
    hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a
    breeze; Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you
    will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over
    keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you have
    the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to
    fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also
    has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the
    universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind
    her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion,
    safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be
    handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Joycelyn
    Elders, who had a rather good handle on the problem.

    Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little
    close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day
    if you do not incarcerate him first. In February I was awakened at three in
    the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his
    friends were TP'ing houses. In the future would you like him delivered to
    the local IRS office or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on
    a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big
    deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting
    out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of
    filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his
    friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will
    be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them
    unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles,
    or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a source of
    unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)

    Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by
    magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came
    from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals,
    and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my
    taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked On
    Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it
    yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying! It's
    quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two) so they
    have helped raise this one to a new level of terror. She cannot speak
    English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she
    fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political
    doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has
    her roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice.
    She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced
    four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I
    am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, as
    she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move
    the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.

    You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick
    which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I still go
    bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you take the two
    oldest then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a
    eenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about putting
    Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon
    as possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover
    the $395 in additional tax and to make a down payment on an airplane.

    Yours Truly,

    Robert W.

    Note: Robert later notified us: "Rats, they allowed the deductions instead
    of taking the kids!" Sometimes you just can't get a break.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    From: Vincent Hancock (vhancock@southwind.net)

    You know you're a Republican when...

    * You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.
    * You've named your kids "Deduction one" and "Deduction two"
    * You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were
    just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
    * You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic
    minority here) friend"
    * You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to
    welfare.
    * You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
    * You think Huey Newton is a cookie.
    * The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck,
    they're richer than you.
    * You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.

    --
    Who were the Beta Testers for Preparations A through G???
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    This is a excerpt from the sci-fi series "Red Dwarf" and one of the
    characters, a mechanoid named Kryten has just been turned into a human...
    he has the following conversation with a human-since-birth, Lister:

    Lister: Any problems?
    Kryten: Well, just one or two. In fact I've compiled a little list if
    you'll indulge me. Now then, uh, my optical system doesn't appear to have a
    zoom function.
    Lister: No, human eyes don't have a zoom.
    Kryten: Well then, how do you bring a small object into sharp focus?
    Lister: Well, you just move your head closer to the object.
    Kryten: I see. Move your head ... closer, hmm, to the object. All right,
    okay. Well, what about other optical effects, like split screen, slow
    motion, Quantel(tm)?
    Lister: No. We don't have them.
    Kryten: You don't have them -- just the zoom? Hmm. Well, no, that's fine,
    that's great, no, no, that's really great, that's great. Now then, my
    nipples don't work.
    Lister: Er, in what way `don't work'?
    Kryten: Well, uh, when I was a mechanoid, the right nipple-nut was used to,
    uh, regulate body temperature, while the left nipple-nut was used mainly
    to, uh, pick up shortwave radio transmissions. Now, what I'm saying is, no
    matter how hard I twiddle it, I can't seem to pick up Jazz FM.
    Lister: Human nipples don't do that, Kryte.
    Kryten: I see. Fine. Ah: recharging. Now, I presume that, uh, when a human
    wants to recharge they do it much the same way mechanoids do. Indeed, I
    have located what I presume to be the recharging socket, but for some
    strange reason it doesn't appear to have the standard three-pin adaption.
    Now, do I have to use some kind of special adaptor? because, no matter what
    do, the lead just keeps falling out.
    Lister: Kryten, we eat and sleep: that's our way of recharging.
    Kryten: Hmm. Ah yes, now, I wanted to talk to you about something.
    Something about, um, well, something I know we humans get a little
    embarrassed about. It's a bit of a taboo subject -- not the sort of thing
    we like to sit around and chat about in polite conversation.
    Lister: Kryten, I'm an enlightened twenty-third century guy. Spit it out,
    man.
    Kryten: Well, I want to talk to you about my penis. I knew it, you've gone
    straight into smirk mode. Aren't we both two human adults? Can't we discuss
    our reproductive system without adolecent sniggering?
    Lister: Yeah, of course we can.
    Kryten: Thank you. [hands Lister polaroid] Well?
    Lister: `Well' what?
    Kryten: Well, what do you think?
    Lister: I'm not quite with you here, Kryten. What am I supposed to say?
    Kryten: I want to know: is that normal?
    Lister: What? Taking photographs of it and showing it to your mates? No,
    it's not!
    Kryten: Well, but is it supposed to look like that?
    Lister: Well, yeah.
    Kryten: It's hideous! That's the best design they could come up with? Are
    you seriously telling me there were choices, and someone said "Ah, there,
    that's it. That's the shape we're looking for: The last-chicken-in-the-shop
    look"? Shakespeare had one? Einstein? Perry Como sang `Memories are Made of
    This' with one of those stashed in his slacks?
    Lister: Well, yeah.
    Kryten: No wonder humans don't have a zoom mode! Ugh. Now, take a look at
    this [hands Lister polaroid. Lister rotates it several times, perplexed]
    and this. [hands Lister second polaroid. Lister holds them side-by-side,
    then top to bottom. Sudden shock] Now why do you suppose that happened?
    Lister: Wwwwwhat were you thinking of at the time?
    Kryten: Well, nothing in particular, sir. I was just idly flicking through
    an electrical-appliance catalogue. I came across the section on
    super-deluxe vacuum cleaners and suddenly my underpants elastic was
    catapulted across the medical bay.
    Lister: You see, man, you're neither one thing or the other. You shouldn't
    be getting erotic thoughts about electrical appliances.
    Kryten: It was a triple-bag easy-glide vac with turbo-suction and a
    self-emptying dustbag.
    Lister: Kryten, I don't care what model it was. No vacuum cleaner should
    give a human being a double polaroid. Do yourself a favour, man, change
    back.
    Kryten: Back? Become one of those poor sappy sad-act mechanoids again? This
    is my dream. Hey listen, listen, I've got a joke for you. Now, how many
    mechanoids does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Lister: [sadly] I don't know.
    Kryten: Twelve. And you know why?
    Lister: [even sadder] Why?
    Kryten: Because they're so stupid! Uhuhuhuhuh. Isn't that just the greatest
    joke? Huhuh. I've got another one. Ever heard of the mechanoid peeping-Tom?
    [Looks repeatedly, like a machine.] Uhuhuhuhuh.

    [Lister leaves. External shot with Kryten's laughs echoing]

    [Later]

    Cat: Man, this is a totally wacked-out idea. It's never going to work.
    Rimmer: That DNA machine can do anything. Why shouldn't it work? The hard
    part was finding one of my dead cells.
    Cat: You really think you can clone yourself from your own dandruff?
    Rimmer: Why not? Dandruff has DNA in it. That machine has a clone facility.
    Cat: But a man made from dandruff? It's never going to work. The first time
    you take a shower with medicated shampoo, you'll disappear.
    Rimmer: I won't be made of dandruff -- my body will be recreated from the
    genetic pattern contained in its structure.

    [Lister enters]

    Cat: How's Kryten?
    Lister: Confused. If he ever offers to show you his photo collection, my
    advice is: decline, politely.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Newsgroups: bit.listserv.giggles
    From: Brian_Gross@GRAMM.SENATE.GOV
    Date: Mon, 15 May 1995 15:33:03 -0500 (EST)

    Every Sunday the Washington Post runs an amateur humor competition called
    the Style Invitational ... a new contest is begun and the results from a
    previous contest are announced. What follows are the results reported in
    yesterday's contest ...

    The Washington Post
    May 14, 1995, Sunday, Final Edition

    Report from Week 110, in which we asked you to come up with absurd warning
    labels for common products.

    We loved one particular entry for its wonderful idiocy: On a cardboard
    windshield sun shade -- Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place." We
    were going to make it a winner, until we discovered that it wasn't made up.

    Fourth Runner-Up -- On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath
    water. (Gary Dawson, Arlington)

    Third Runner-Up -- On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat lozenges:
    Not meant as substitute for human companionship. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

    Second Runner-Up -- On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home
    pregnancy test. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

    First Runner-Up -- On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation
    device. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

    And the winner of the Power Ranger pinata:

    On a cup of McDonald's coffee: Allow to cool before applying to groin area.
    (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

    Honorable Mentions

    On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening. (Cissie J. Owen, Leesburg)

    On a pack of cigarettes: WARNING -- The Tobacco Institute has determined
    that smoking just one cigarette greatly increases your risk of heart attack
    by making you so incredibly sexy that gorgeous members of the opposite sex
    surround you night and day, begging for intercourse and wearing you into
    exhaustion, unless, of course, you have another couple of cigarettes to
    steady your nerves. (Jacob Weinstein, McLean)

    On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake. (Jim
    Gaffney, Manassas)

    On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker. (Art Grinath, Takoma
    Park)

    On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony. (Judith Daniel,
    Washington)

    On a piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed. (Peter Fay, Herndon)

    On a can of Fix-a-Flat: Not to be used for breast augmentation. (Jerry
    Robin, Gaithersburg)

    On Kevorkian's suicide machine: This product uses carbon monoxide, which
    has been found to cause cancer in laboratory rats. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

    On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will
    replace it for a $ 2 shipping and a $ 3 handling charge, for a total of $
    4.97. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

    On Lyndon LaRouche literature: Mr. LaRouche is a serious political figure
    and not a paranoid lunatic, and should therefore -- Hey, what are you
    looking at? Quit staring at me. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

    On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene. (Ken
    Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

    On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms. (Patrick G. White,
    Taneytown)

    On a calendar: Use of term "Sunday" for reference only. No meteorological
    warranties express or implied. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

    On Odor Eaters: Do not eat. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

    On Sen. Bob Dole: WARNING: Contents under pressure and may explode. (Doug
    Keim, Schaumburg, Ill. )

    On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium. (Gary Dawson, Arlington)

    On a fax machine: WARNING! Never attempt to directly fax anyone an image of
    your naked buttocks. Always photocopy your buttocks and fax the photocopy.
    (John Kammer, Herndon)

    On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting. (Paul Styrene, Olney)

    On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only. (Elden
    Carnahan, Laurel)

    On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear.
    (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)

    On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words,
    phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive. (David Handelsman,
    Charlottesville)

    On a wet suit: Capacity, 1. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)

    And Last:

    On The Washington Post: Do not cut up and use for blackmail note. (Joseph
    Romm, Washington).
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    This is a REAL warning label sent to me by Rik Zak (zakr@cadvision.com):

    Seen on a spray can: WARNING: Death may occur without warning!
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    From: IN%"MJSTRAW@IUP.BITNET" "Mark_Strawcutter" 12-NOV-1991 16:13:44.92

    The proliferation of modern programming languages which seem to have stolen
    countless features from each other sometimes makes it difficult to remember
    which language you're using. This guide is offered as a public service to
    help programmers in such dilemmas.

    C
    You shoot yourself in the foot.

    Assembly
    You crash the OS and overwrite the root disk. The system administrator
    arrives and shoots you in the foot. After a moment of contemplation,
    the administrator shoots himself in the foot and then hops around the
    room rabidly shooting at everyone in sight.

    APL
    You hear a gunshot, and there's a hole in your foot, but you don't
    remember enough linear algebra to undestand what the heck happened.

    C++
    You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them
    all in the foot. Providing emergency medical care is impossible since
    you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at
    others and saying, "That's me, over there."

    Ada
    If you are dumb enough to actually use this language, the United
    States Department of Defense will kidnap you, stand you up on front of
    a firing squad, and thell the soldiers, "Shoot at his feet."

    MODULA-2
    After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in the
    language, you shoot yourself in the head.

    Pascal
    Same as Modula-2, except the bullets are the wrong type and won't pass
    through the barrel. The gun explodes.

    sh,csh,etc
    You can't remember the syntax for anything, so you spend five hours
    reading man pages before giving up. You then shoot the computer and
    switch to C.

    Smalltalk
    You spend so much time playing with the graphics and windowing system
    that your boss shoots you in the foot, takes away your workstation,
    and makes you develop in COBOL on a character terminal.

    FORTRAN
    You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of
    toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of
    bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-processing
    ability.

    ALGOL
    You shoot yourself in the foot with a musket. The musket is
    esthetically fascinating, and the wound baffles the adolescent medic
    in the emergency room.

    COBOL
    USEing a COLT45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place
    ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER, and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN
    to HOLSTER. Check whether shoelace needs to be retied.

    BASIC
    Shoot self in foot with water pistol. On big systems, continue until
    entire lower body is waterlogged.

    PL/I
    You consume all available system resources, including all the offline
    bullets. The Data Processing $ Payroll Department doubles its size,
    triples its budget, acquires four new mainframes, and drops the
    original one on your foot.

    SNOBOL
    You grab your foot with your hand, then rewrite your hand to be a
    bullet. The act of shooting the original foot then changes your
    hand/bullet into yet another foot (a left foot).

    LISP
    You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you
    shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you
    shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you
    shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...

    SCHEME
    You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you
    shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you
    shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you
    shoot yourself in the appendage which holds... ...but none of the
    other appendages are aware of this happening.

    English
    You put your foot in your mouth, then bite it off.

    MICROSOFT C++ w/ WINDOWS SDK
    You write about 100 lines of code to print "Hello, world!" in a
    dialogue box, only to have a UAE pop up when you click on OK. This
    shuts down the program manager, leaving you nothing but a screensaver.
    You then fly to Washington and shoot Bill Gates in the foot.

    LOGO
    You tell a turtle to draw a picture of a foot and a gun, then shoot
    the turtle.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    [Editor's note: These were collected from various sources, with
    duplications removed. One that I haven't seen here and which is a recent
    law (unlike most of the ones mentioned, which are just outdated laws that
    no one has bothered to repeal) I encountered in Maryland: in order to get a
    burger cooked any rarer than well-done, e.g., medium, medium-rare, etc.,
    you have to sign a waiver. Otherwise, Maryland restaurants and eateries are
    required to cook meat so there is no pink inside.]

    Newsgroups: bit.listserv.giggles
    Subject: STUPID LOCAL LAWS
    From: VEKARIA S (S.Vekaria@CITY.AC.UK)
    Date: Fri, 24 Mar 1995 15:35:59 +0000

    STUPID LOCAL LAWS

    In Ottumwa, Iowa, "It is unlawful for any male person, within the corporate
    limits of the (city), to wink at any female person with whom he is
    unacquainted."

    In Los Angeles, you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same
    time.

    In Zion, Ill., it is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs,
    cats, and other domesticated animals kept as pets.

    In Carmel, N.Y., a man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and pants
    that do not match. << Note: this law isn't silly. Write your legislators
    today and get this PASSED in your area now!!>>

    In St. Louis, it's illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink
    beer from a bucket.

    In Hartford, Conn., you aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on
    your hands.

    In Baltimore, it's illegal to throw bales of hay from a second-story window
    within the city limits. It's also illegal to take a lion to the movies.

    In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while
    standing in front of a man's picture.

    In Carrizozo, N.M., it's forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in
    public (includes legs and face).

    In Pennsylvania it is illegal to have over 16 women live in a house
    together because that constitutes a brothel...however up to 120 men can
    live together, without breaking the law.

    In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her
    husband's permission.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    printed in the local paper....

    In New York, it is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for
    fun.

    The state of Washington has passed a law stating it is illegal, I repeat,
    illegal, to paint polka dots on the American flag.

    In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle in Connecticut,
    it must bounce.

    To keep any of the incarcerated beast from picking up bad habits, the town
    of Manville , NJ decreed that it is illegal to feed whiskey or offer
    cigarettes to animals at the local zoo.

    If you sell hollow logs in Tennessee, you are breaking the law.

    Compulsive gamblers stay out of Richmond, VA: it is even illegal to flip a
    coin in a restaurant to see who pays for the coffee.

    Don't bother the butterflies in Pacific Grove, CA unless you have a n extra
    $500 for the offense.

    The same is true for bullfrogs and cottontails in Hayden, AZ. disturbing
    them in the city limits is against the law.

    Have it your way, but don't share it in OK. This state forbids a person
    from taking a bite out of another person's hamburger.

    Need a radio on Sunday? In Spokane, WA, you can buy one on the Sabbath, but
    forget about purchasing a television!

    In the state of New York, you need a license to use a clothesline outdoors.

    What happens to doughnut holes? Well, they won't be found in Lehigh NE.
    Selling doughnut holes in this city is verboten.

    And if any retirees from the circus are thinking about settling down and
    farming in NC, they are forwarned right here and now that it is against the
    law in this state to use elephants to plow cotton fields!
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    It is illegal to take more than 2 baths a month within Boston confines.

    Two people cannot kiss in front of a church.

    All Public Displays of Affection (PDAs) are forbidden on Sunday.

    Pedestrians always have the right of way.

    Anyone may let their sheep and cows graze in the public gardens/commons at
    any time except Sundays.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    In Calgary there is a by-law that is still on the books that requires
    businesses within the city to provide rails for tying up horses.

    In the England it is illegal to sell most goods on a Sunday, (this law is
    mostly ignored), it is however legal to sell a carrot. It is also legal to
    sell it at any price and to give free gifts with it, such as anything else
    one might want to buy on a Sunday!
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Pennsylvania:

    In certain sections of Pennsylvania many years ago, the Farmer's
    Anti-Automobile society set up some "rules of the road." In effect, they
    said:

    1. "Automobiles travelling on country roads at night must send up a rocket
    every mile, then wait ten minutes for the road to clear."

    2. "If a driver sees a team of horses, he is to pull to one side of the
    road and cover his machine with a blanket or dust cover that has been
    painted to blend into the scenery."

    3. "In the event that a horse refuses to pass a car on the road, the owner
    must take his car apart and conceal the parts in the bushes."

    Utah:

    It is against the law to fish from horseback.

    Ohio:

    In Bexley, Ordinance number 223, of 09/09/19 prohibits the installation and
    usage of slot machines in outhouses.

    Indiana:

    Back in 1924, a monkey was convicted in South Bend of the crime of smoking
    a cigarette and sentenced to pay a 25 dollar fine and the trial costs.

    Kansas:

    No one may catch fish with his bare hands in Kansas.

    California:

    In 1930, the City Council of Ontario passed an ordinance forbidding
    roosters to crow within the city limits.

    Oklahoma:

    Harthahorne City Ordinance, Section 363, states that it shall be unlawful
    to put any hypnotized person in a display window.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    These excerpts are from the book "Loony Laws" by Robert Pelton (Walker;
    $8.95) Enjoy!

    In Clawson, Mich., there is a law that makes it LEGAL for a farmer to sleep
    with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens.

    In Gary, Ind., persons are prohibited from attending a movie house or other
    theater and from riding a public streetcar within four hours of eating
    garlic.

    In Miami, it's illegal for men to be seen publicly in any kind of strapless
    gown.

    In Detroit, couples are banned from making love in an automobile unless the
    act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple's own property.

    In Harford, Conn., you aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on
    your hands.

    In Nicholas County, W. Va., no member of the clergy is allowed to tell
    jokes or humorous stories from the pulpit during a church service.

    In California, animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of
    a tavern, school, or place of worship.

    In Los Angeles, a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather
    belt or strap, but the belt can't be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his
    wife's consent to beat her with a wider strap.

    In Kentucky, "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway
    within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless
    she be armed with a club"

    An amendment to the above legislation: "The provisions of this statuate
    shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200
    pounds, nor shall it apply to female horses."
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    In Grand Haven, Michigan, no person shall throw an abandoned hoop skirt
    into any street or on any sidewalk, under penalty of a five- dollar fine
    for each offense.

    In Russell, Kansas, it is against the law to have a musical car horn.

    A Glendale, California, ordinance permits horror films to be shown only on
    Mondays, Tuesdays, or Wednesdays.

    Cicero, Illinois, prohibits humming on public streets on Sundays.

    Hunting with a rifle is permitted in Norfolk County, Virgina - provided
    that the hunter is fifteen feet off the ground.

    You may water your lawn on Staten Island, New York, provided that you hold
    the hose in your hand while doing so; but to lay a hose on the lawn or to
    use a sprinkler for watering your lawn is unlawful.

    Clinton County, Ohio, calls for a fine for anyone caught leaning against a
    public building.

    Loins may not be taken to the theater in Maryland.

    Abilene, Texas, makes it illegal to idle or loiter anyplace within the
    corporate limits of the city for the purpose of flirting or mashing.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    From kralickr@interlynx.net Thu Feb 29 02:50:57 1996
    Subject: funny laws

    I'm not sure which jurisdiction in TX (I think it was Waco, but I can't be
    sure):

    It is illegal to walk around with a concealed ice cream cone.

    Rich
    Ontario, Canada
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    From bholton@ix.netcom.com Thu Feb 29 21:17:25 1996
    Subject: Stupid Laws

    I just was wondering if you wouldn't mind a few more law additions to your
    Stupid Laws file. IIRC these laws are still on the books.

    In Carmel, CA, it is illegal to eat ice cream while standing on the side
    walk.

    In Prunedale, CA, it is illegal to have two indoor bathtubs in your house.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    [Editor's Note: This isn't really a computer joke in that it does not
    actually mention computers themselves, but it's along the lines of "If
    people did X like they buy computers...", so it seemed to belong here.]

    *ring* *ring*

    "Hello! Technical Support, how can I help you?"

    "Well, I was sorta hoping someone could walk me through taking a leak"

    "Okay... well, do you have to go now?"

    "Yes, I do"

    "Okay... well, are you on male or female equipment?"

    "MALE-CLONE..."

    "Okay, the first thing we want to do is find your fly.."

    "My what?"

    "Your fly... it opens your pants. It should be in the front of you. Look
    down"

    "I see shoes"

    "No, sir... look sorta in the front of you... like just below your stomach.
    You should see some metal on your pants. That's your fly.."

    "The round thing?"

    "Well, that's your button... let's open that, too, while we're down there.
    The fly looks like a lot of little metal things sideways"

    "Oh, okay.. got it. [pause] Okay, it's open.."

    "Okay, sir... can you grab your willy?"

    "No."

    "Do you see your willy?"

    "No."

    "Okay... what do you see?"

    "I see white... just white and some lines.."

    "Do you have underwear installed?"

    "No."

    "Sir, if you can't see your willy, and you see only white... I think that
    you may have underwear installed. We are going to have to uninstall your
    underwear to take a leak...."

    "Well, my friend was the last one to use my fly... he might have installed
    underwear..."

    "Okay, sir... well grab the white part and pull down... keep pulling until
    you see your willy.."

    "It's stuck... it won't go down..."

    "The white part? Or your willy?"

    "My willy..."

    "DON"T pull down on your willy, sir... just the underwear... we only want
    to get to the point where we can see it...."

    "Oh... okay, we're there...."

    "Okay... now look around the room... do you see anything made of
    porcelain?"

    "I see a little penguin on a shelf ..."

    "Okay, sir...you're in the living room.... go to the bathroom. We can't
    take a leak until we are in the bathroom. The bathroom will have a lot of
    tile, maybe some carpeting... yours might have mirrors or some soap in it.
    Some people have showers in their bathrooms..."

    "Well, I'm downstairs... I think the bathroom is upstairs..."

    "Okay, well... let's go upstairs..."

    "I can't walk..."

    "Okay, sir... temporarily reinstall your underwear... then go
    upstairs..then uninstall your underwear again..."

    "That was the white part, right?"

    "Yes, sir... that's correct..."

    [pause]

    "Okay, I'm upstairs..."

    "Okay... now do you see any porcelain bowl-type things?"

    "Well, there's two..."

    "How tall are you sir?"

    "5'4" .."

    "Okay... go to the one where it's lower than your willy...."

    "Okay....I'm there"

    "Okay... now make sure that you are pointing toward the porcelain bowl..now
    just go.... "

    "What do you mean?"

    "Well, when it pops up... just hit "okay"....."
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Newsgroups: bit.listserv.giggles
    Subject: More funny stuff
    From: "H. Wade Minter" (hwmint@MAIL.WM.EDU)
    Date: Thu, 17 Mar 1994 19:44:31 LCL

    GENUINE EXTRACTS FROM LETTERS SENT TO THE COUNCIL

    I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his
    foot in the hole in his back passage.

    The lavatory is blocked, this is caused by the boys next door throwing
    their balls on the roof.

    This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next
    door.

    The toilet seat is cracked, where do I stand.

    I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

    I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers.

    I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

    Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

    Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done as my wife is
    about to become an expectant mother.

    I want some repairs doing to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my
    knob off.

    The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

    The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is
    unsightly and dangerous.

    Will you please send someone to mend our broken path. Yesterday my wife
    tripped on it and is now pregnant.

    Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a
    third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

    Would you please repair our toilet, my son pulled the chain and the box
    fell on his head.

    Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and
    not fit to drink.

    Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner
    and need it straight away.

    I awoke this morning and found my water boiling.

    This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we cannot get
    BBC2.

    Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe
    stuck in it and it was very uncomfortable for us.

    When I applied for a rebate you said that you would have to take something
    off. Now that you have taken it off, I have been told that you should have
    put some on. So will you please take off what you took off and put on what
    you should have put on when you took it off.

    When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers
    and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and
    keep my wife happy.

    I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5.30
    his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Dear John:

    I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind,
    thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and
    inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no
    feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let
    me be yours? Gloria

    Dear John:

    I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind,
    thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and
    inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no
    feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let
    me be? Yours, Gloria
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    These are some classic luser gems I've seen before. They were sent to me by
    Reggie Taylor (whoknows@earthlink.net).

    1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press
    Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

    2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard
    to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic
    bag the mouse was packaged in.

    3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that
    the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes.
    After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem,
    it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into
    his typewriter to type the labels.

    4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes
    to the technician. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer
    along with Xeroxed copies of her diskettes.

    5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back
    in the drive and close the door. The customer put the disk in, asked the
    tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and
    closing the door to his room.

    6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax
    anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered
    the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the
    screen and pressing the "send" key.

    7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so the Dell
    tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of
    friends," the man said. When told Egghead was a software store, the man
    said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

    8. Another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer
    worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and
    soaking the keyboard for a day, then he removed all the keys and washed
    them individually.

    9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
    because his computer had told him he was "bad and invalid". The tech
    explained that the coputer's "bad" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be
    taken personally.

    10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her
    new Dell computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in,
    the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button.
    Her response "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens."
    The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

    11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new
    computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and
    sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what
    happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

    12. A customer called Compaq to inquire about her disks. The customer had
    recently bought a new computer to replace her old one. The only problem was
    her old computer had used 5 1/4's and her new one only had a 3 1/2 drive.
    The tech explained that she would have to copy the information from her 5
    1/4's to her 3 1/2's. The customer thanked the tech and hung up. About an
    hour later the same customer called and stated that her disk-drive was
    making funny noises. After a few questions, the customer told the tech that
    she didn't know how to copy and had cut the 5 1/4's to the same size as the
    3 1/2's and put them in the drive!
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    When Madonna granted an interview to a Budapest rag recently, she had no
    idea what she was getting into. The Maternal Girl was in Hungary filming
    "Evita" when she chitchatted with the newspaper Blikk.

    It went thus:

    The paper asked a question in Hungarian, then it was translated into
    English for Ms. M, then the answer was translated into Hungarian for the
    mag. Madonna's response was translated AGAIN into English at USA Today's
    behest. The result was a comedy of errors. A sample:

    Blikk: Madonna, Budapest says hello with arms that are spread-eagled. Did
    you have a visit here that was agreeable? Are you in good odor?

    Madonna: Thank you for saying these compliments [holds up hands]. Please
    stop with taking sensationalist photographs until I have removed my
    garments for all to see (laughs). This is a joke I have made.

    Blikk: Madonna, let's cut toward the hunt: Are you a bold hussy-woman that
    feasts on men who are tops?

    Madonna: Yes, yes, this is certainly something that brings to the surface
    my longings. In America it is not considered to be mentally ill when a
    woman advances on her prey in a discotheque setting with hardy cocktails
    present.

    Blikk: Is this how you met Carlos, your love-servant who is reputed? ...
    Were you dating many other people in your bed at the same time?

    Madonna: No, he was the only one I was dating in my bed then, so it is a
    scientific fact that the baby was made in my womb using him. But as regards
    these questions, enough! I am a woman and not a test-mouse! ...

    Blikk: OK, here's a question from left space: What was your book "Slut"
    about?

    Madonna: It was called "Sex," my book.

    Blikk: Not in Hungary. Here it was called "Slut"...
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    50 Fun Things to do in a Mall

    by Alan Meiss, ameiss@indiana.edu

    Note: Any resemblance of names in this article to actual large powerful
    corporations capable of destroying mere mortal humans like sparrows in a
    jet turbine is, um, pure coincidence. Really.

    1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.
    2. Try pants on backwards at the Grap. Ask the salesperson if they make
    your butt look big.
    3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shlock.
    4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Heckory Farms and helpfully volunteer to
    consume its now unwanted contents.
    5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"
    6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices
    are in pesos or rubles.
    7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable.
    8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger Queen...
    9. ...but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they're
    "astronaut food".
    10. Follow patrons of D. Balton's around while reading aloud from
    Dianetics.
    11. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.
    12. Ask a salesman why a particular tv is labeled black and white and
    insist that it's a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look
    and say, "You mean you really can't see it?"
    13. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Snears.
    14. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in
    clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.
    15. Test mattresses in your pajamas.
    16. Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft is full of eels.
    17. If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an
    hour while rocking from side to side.
    18. Sprint up the down escalator.
    19. Stare at static on a display tv and challenge other shoppers whether
    they, too, can see the "hidden picture".
    20. Ask appliance personnel if they have any tvs that play only in Spanish.
    21. Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.
    22. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw
    cuts through bone.
    23. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and
    whether there's much meat on them.
    24. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.
    25. Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.
    26. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your
    own bottle of Eau de Swanke.
    27. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that
    you lost a contact lens.
    28. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the
    color of your beard.
    29. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, "I see London, I
    see France..."
    30. Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander
    around the mall taking two-inch steps.
    31. Play the tuba for change.
    32. Ask the Hamond organ dealer if he can play "Jesus Built My Hotrod".
    33. Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric
    versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.
    34. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will
    "give you a really wicked buzz".
    35. Ask the personnel at Peer 1 Imports whether they have "any giant crap
    made out of straw".
    36. "Toast" plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.
    37. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious
    tracts.
    38. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around
    in it.
    39. Change every tv in the electronics department to a station showing
    "Saved by the Bell". Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if
    anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.
    40. Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a
    Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling "scratch one
    flattop!"
    41. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and
    scornfully announce that none of them are "leakproof".
    42. "Play" the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of
    explosion noises.
    43. Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.
    44. Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments
    over whether they're real.
    45. If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on your lap.
    46. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and
    say "Domino's."
    47. Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to
    scratch yourself.
    48. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.
    49. Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether they've
    seen this man."
    50. Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later,
    fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn't turned blue
    yet.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    From rec.humor.funny Thu Jun 6 11:41:18 1991
    Path: neon.Stanford.EDU!stanford.edu!snorkelwacker.mit.edu!usc!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!rpi!uupsi!looking!funny-request
    From: robin@ntmtv.UUCP (Robin Coutellier)
    Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
    Subject: Ode to a Mammogram
    Keywords: smirk
    Message-ID:
    Date: 6 Jun 91 10:30:03 GMT
    Lines: 78
    Approved: funny@looking.on.ca

    A friend from work gave this to me the day AFTER I had my first
    mammogram. I particularly liked the last line, since I had almost the
    exact same thoughts as I dressed to leave!

    ODE TO A MAMMOGRAM


    For years and years they told me,
    "Be careful of your breasts.
    Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
    And give them monthly tests."

    So I heeded all their warnings
    And protected them by Law...
    Guarded them very carefully,
    And always wore a bra.

    After 30 years of careful care,
    The doctor found a lump.
    He ordered a mammogram
    To look inside that clump.

    "Stand very close," she said,
    As she got my tit in line,
    "And tell me when it hurts," she said,
    "Ah Yes! There! That's just fine."

    She stepped upon a pedal...
    I could not believe my eyes!
    A plastic plate was pressing down...
    My boob was in a vice!!!

    My skin was stretched and stretched
    From way up by my chin.
    And my poor tit was being squashed
    To Swedish pancake thin!!!

    Excruciating pain I felt,
    Within its vice-like grip.
    A prisoner in this vicious thing,
    My poor defenseless tit!

    "Take a deep breath," she said to me
    Who does she think she's kidding?
    My chest is smashed in her machine,
    I can't breathe and woozy I am getting.

    "There, that was good," I heard her say
    As the room was slowly swaying,
    "Now let's get the other one,"
    "Lord, have mercy," I was praying.

    It squeezed me from the up and down,
    It squeezed me from both sides,
    I'll bet she's never had this done
    To her tender hide!

    If I had no problem when I came in,
    I surely have one now...
    If there had been a cyst in there,
    It would have popped*****KER--POW!!!

    This machine was made by a man,
    Of this I have no doubt...
    I'd like to get his balls in there
    For months he'd go "without"!!!!!!



    --
    Robin Coutellier
    Northern Telecom, Mountain View, CA
    --
    Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
    Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.

    Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line.
    So many people use "joke" or "submission" like I was expecting something else?


    Comments

    And here's a guide to man-machine interface.....

    USER-FRIENDLY

    C:\ DUR
    Command not found. Try retyping

    USER-HELPFUL

    C:\ DUR
    I don't understand DUR. Do you mean DIR ?

    USER-UNFRIENDLY

    C:\ DUR
    C:\ DUR
    C:\ DUR
    C:\ DUR

    USER-HOSTILE

    C:\ DUR
    Ha! A mistake! I'm sure you meant to say FORMAT, so that's what
    I'll do.

    USER-INDIFFERENT

    C:\ DUR
    DUR?

    USER-PATRONIZING

    C:\ DUR
    Now, that's not quite right is it? Let's try again; this time,
    use the manual that the nice salesperson gave you when you bought me.

    USER-OBSEQUIOUS

    C:\ DUR
    I'm so very, very sorry but I don't understand that. I'm sure it
    was my fault, but if you would please try again I'll do my best.

    USER-SARCASTIC

    C:\ DUR
    Well, Look who's made a mistake then. Very unusual, I don't think.

    USER-INSULTING

    C:\ DUR
    F*ck off
    C:\ DIR
    F*ck off

    USER-SMUG

    C:\ DUR
    No
    C:\ DOR
    Nope
    C:\ HELP
    No
    C:\ PLEASE
    Not unless you give me a 300Mb hard disk to live on.
    C:\ B*ST*RD
    Abuse will get you nowhere

    USER-ANALYTICAL

    C:\ DUR
    What makes you say that?
    C:\ A TYPING MISTAKE
    How long have you been making these mistakes?
    C:\ BANANAS
    Do you like bananas?
    C:\ I LOVE THEM
    Why do you bring up the subject of love?
    ...etc

    USER-McDONALD

    May I help you please?
    C:\ DUR
    I'm sorry but that command is not available at this time. Have a
    nice day.
    C:\ DIR
    Will that be an MS-DOS directory?
    C:\ YES
    To read here, or for printout to take away?
    C:\ HERE
    Thank you. Have a nice day.

    USER-MEGALOMANIAC

    C:\ DUR
    Don't bother me with trivial requests. I'm busy.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    From: fadden@cory.berkeley.edu (Andy McFadden)
    Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
    Subject: Good Manners?
    Date: 2 Jul 91 23:30:05 GMT

    [ This is off of "Health Tip #34", one of a series of (usually) health-
    related informational bulletins. ]

    Excerpted from Panati's _Extraordinary Origins of Everyday Things_.

    Early Table Manners

    A Christian and philosopher and educator, Erasmus of Rotterdam, the
    greatest classical scholar of the northern Humanist of Renaissance,
    determined that manners was the best instilled at an early age. Here are
    some samples from the three century best seller, _On Civility in Children_
    (c.1530):

    "Turn away when spitting lest your saliva fall on someone. If
    anything purulent falls on the ground, it should be trodden upon,
    lest it nauseate someone."

    "To lick greasy fingers or to wipe them on your coat is impolite.
    It is better to use the table cloth or the serviette."

    "Some people put their hands in the dishes the moment they have
    sat down. Wolves do that."

    "You should not offer your handkerchief to anyone unless it has
    been freshly washed. Nor is it seemly, after wiping your nose, to
    spread out your handkerchief and peer into it as if pearl and
    rubies might have fallen out of your head."

    "If you cannot swallow a piece of food, turn around discreetly
    and throw it somewhere."

    "Retain the wind by compressing the belly."

    "Do not be afraid of vomiting if you must; for it is not vomiting
    but holding the vomit in your throat that is foul."

    "Do not move back and forth on your chair. Whoever does that
    gives the impression of constantly breaking or trying to break
    wind."

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    TOP TEN REQUIREMENTS IN A MAN

    ORIGINAL LIST:

    1. Handsome
    2. Charming
    3. Financially successful
    4. A caring listener
    5. Witty
    6. In good shape
    7. Stylish dresser
    8. Shares my interests
    9. Full of thoughtful little surprises
    10. Is an imaginative, romantic lover

    REVISED LIST:

    1. Not too ugly
    2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
    3. Works steadily
    4. Doesn't nod off while I'm emoting
    5. Usually remembers punch line of jokes
    6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
    7. Usually wears matching socks
    8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw top lids
    9. Remembers to put the toilet lid down (sometimes)
    10. Shaves on weekends
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    SEX(6) EUNUCH Programmer's Manual SEX(6)

    NAME
    sex - have sex

    SYNOPSIS
    sex [ options ] ... [ username ] ...

    DESCRIPTION
    sex allows the invoker to have sex with the user(s) speci-
    fied in the command line. If no users are specified, they
    are taken from the LOVERS environment variable. Options to
    make things more interesting are as follows:

    -1 masturbate

    -a external stimulus (aphrodisiac) option

    -b buggery

    -B
    bestiality with

    -c chocolate sauce option

    -C chaining option (cuffs included) (see also -m -s -W)

    -d
    get a date with the features described in

    -e exhibitionism (image sent to all machines on the net)

    -f foreplay option

    -F nasal sex with plants

    -i coitus interruptus (messy!)

    -j jacuzzi option (California sites only)

    -l leather option

    -m masochism (see -s)

    -M triple parallel (Menage a Trois) option

    -n necrophilia (if target process is not dead, program
    kills it)

    -o oral option

    -O parallel access (orgy)

    -p debug option (proposition only)

    -P pedophilia (must specify a child process)

    Printed 2/15/87 2/15/87 1

    SEX(6) EUNUCH Programmer's Manual SEX(6)

    -q quickie (wham, bam, thank you, ma'am)

    -s sadism (target must set -m)

    -S sundae option

    -v voyeurism (surveys the entire net)

    -w whipped cream option

    -W whips (see also -s, -C, and -m)

    ENVIRONMENT
    LOVERS
    is a list of default partners which will be used if
    none are specified in the command line. If any are
    specified, the values in LOVERS is ignored.

    FILES
    /usr/lib/sex/animals animals for bestiality

    /usr/lib/sex/blackbook possible dates

    /usr/lib/sex/sundaes sundae recipes

    /usr/lib/sex/s&m sado-masochistic equipment

    BUGS
    ^C (quit process) may leave the user very unsatisfied.

    ^Z (stop process) is usually quite messy.

    MAN AUTHOR
    Author prefers to be anonymous.

    HISTORY
    Oldest program ever.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    From the Dallas Morning News:

    A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the
    definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel:

    "an intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under
    the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an
    adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a
    'compromising position.'"

    "See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded the jury
    candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed
    with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could
    have shot him."

    She wasn't selected for the jury.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    THE MAX REBO BAND

    (Sung to the tune of Billy Joel's "Piano Man")

    It's nine o'clock down at Jabba's place
    the regular crowd waddles in
    there's a weird thing sitting next to me
    it has three eyes and mottled grey skin.

    Fett says Max can you play me a memory
    I'm not really sure how it goes
    but it's haunting and sweet and if you miss a beat
    this carbine will blow off your nose.

    He said sing us a song now, Max Rebo Band
    sing us a song tonight
    'cause we're all in the mood for a melody
    except Solo, who's in carbonite.

    La de de da, de de da
    La da de de da, da dum..

    Now Jabba the Hutt is a friend of mine
    he gives me my life for free
    And because he's a Hutt, why, we all kiss his butt
    or the rancor will have us for tea.

    He said "Bo Shuda, offom da Tukatti!"
    as he stuffed a frog into his face
    but we don't know a woid, 'cause he shot the talkdroid
    So we'll smile and nod, just in case.

    Oh, La de de da, de de da
    La da de de da, da dum..

    Sing us a song now, Max Rebo Band
    sing us a song tonight
    'cause we're all in the mood for a melody
    except Solo, who's in carbonite.

    Sy Snootles is our favourite vocalist
    her face it ain't launching no ships.
    Don't know why it behove her to go kiss a hoover
    but that's how she got those weird lips.

    A Gammorean guard is headbutting bricks
    as another one gnaws on a bone
    and I don't know which has less intelligence
    either those two big thugs or the stone.

    Sing us a song now, Max Rebo Band
    sing us a song tonight
    'cause we're all in the mood for a melody
    except Solo, who's in carbonite.

    Oh, la da da da de de dah
    la da de de da dah dum..

    It's a pretty good crowd, here at Jabba's place
    it's a killing, that's why we're all here
    we'll sail over the dune to the pit of Carkoon
    and we'll toss someone in with a cheer.

    'Cause we gotta new droid on the pedestal
    and a man in black's come in the door
    he just pointed a gun over Salicious Crumb
    and then promptly sank through the floor.

    Oh, La de de da, de de da
    La da de de da, da dum..

    Sing us a song now, Max Rebo Band
    sing us a song tonight
    for the Jedi Skywalker is down below
    and the rancor is gripping him tight.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    For the first time in, oh, a decade, I think, something from Microsoft
    shipped on time: Jennifer Katharine Gates, weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces when
    she was downloaded, er, born on Friday, April 26 at 6:11 p.m.

    And what do Baby Gates and Daddy's products have in common?

    1. Neither can stand on its own two feet without a LOT of third party
    support.

    2. Both barf all over themselves regularly.

    3. Regardless of the problem, calling Microsoft Tech Support won't help.

    4. As they mature, we pray that they will be better than that which
    preceeded them.

    5. At first release they're relatively compact, but they seem to grow and
    grow and grow with each passing year.

    6. Although announced with great fanfare, pretty much anyone could have
    produced one.

    7. They arrive in shaky condition with inadequate documentation.

    8. No matter what, it takes several months between the announcement and the
    actual release.

    9. Bill gets the credit, but someone else did most of the work.

    10. For at least the next year, they'll suck.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Why Dogs are Better than Men

    by Jennifer Berman

    Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
    Dogs miss you when you're gone.
    Dogs never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.
    Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
    Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with.
    Dogs don't criticize your friends.
    Dogs admit when they're jealous.
    Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
    Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they never laugh at
    how you throw).
    Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent because they know the most
    important thing is that you are together.
    Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
    No dog ever voted to confirm Clarence Thomas.
    You can train a dog.
    Dogs are easy to buy for.
    Dogs are good with kids.
    Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
    You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
    Gorgeous dogs don't know they are gorgeous.
    The worst social disease you can get from your dog is fleas. (okay...the
    *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a
    vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
    Dogs understand what no means.
    Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization.
    Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species.
    Dogs understand if some of their friends can not come inside.
    Dogs do not read at the table.
    Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
    You can house train a dog.
    Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
    Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair.
    Dogs aren't threatened by two women with short hair.
    Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.
    Dogs admit it when they are lost.
    Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.
    Dogs look at your eyes.
    Dogs like your size.
    Dogs do not care whether or not you shave your legs.
    Dogs are color blind.
    Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
    Dogs are nice to your relatives.
    Dogs obsess about you as much as you obsess about them.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    How Dogs and Men are the Same

    Both take up too much space on the bed.
    Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
    Both are threatened by their own kind.
    Both like to chew wood.
    Both mark their territory.
    Both are bad at asking you questions.
    Neither tells you what's bothering them.
    Both tend to smell riper with age.
    Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
    Neither does dishes.
    Both fart shamelessly.
    Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
    Both like dominance games.
    Both are suspicious of the postman.
    Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
    Neither understands what you see in cats.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    How Men are Better than Dogs

    Men have only two feet that track in mud.
    Men can buy you presents.
    Men don't play with every man they see when you take them around the block.
    Men are a little more subtle.
    Men don't eat cat turds on the sly.
    Men open their own cans.
    Dogs have dog-breath all the time.
    Men can do math stuff.
    Holiday Inns accept men.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    [Editor's note: This originally appeared in OMNI magazine and was writen by
    Terry Bisson. Reprinted here without permission; if anyone knows how I can
    find him to obtain his permission, let me know.]

    Imagine if you will... the leader of the fifth invader force speaking to
    the commander in chief...

    "They're made out of meat."

    "Meat?"

    "Meat. They're made out of meat."

    "Meat?"

    "There's no doubt about it. We picked several from different parts of the
    planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, probed them all the way
    through. They're completely meat."

    "That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the
    stars."

    "They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them.
    The signals come from machines."

    "So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."

    "They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the
    machines."

    "That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to
    believe in sentient meat."

    "I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient
    race in the sector and they're made out of meat."

    "Maybe they're like the Orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that
    goes through a meat stage."

    "Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of
    their life spans, which didn't take too long. Do you have any idea the life
    span of meat?"

    "Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the Weddilei.
    A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."

    "Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads like the Weddilei.
    But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through."

    "No brain?"

    "Oh, there is a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of
    meat!"

    "So... what does the thinking?"

    "You're not understanding, are you? The brain does the thinking. The meat."

    "Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"

    "Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat
    is the whole deal! Are you getting the picture?"

    "Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."

    "Finally, Yes. They are indeed made out meat. And they've been trying to
    get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."

    "So what does the meat have in mind?"

    "First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the
    universe, contact other sentients, swap ideas and information. The usual."

    "We're supposed to talk to meat?"

    "That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello.
    Anyone out there? Anyone home?' That sort of thing."

    "They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?"

    "Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat."

    "I thought you just told me they used radio."

    "They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how
    when you slap or flap meat it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their
    meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their
    meat."

    "Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?"

    "Officially or unofficially?"

    "Both."

    "Officially, we are required to contact, welcome, and log in any and all
    sentient races or multibeings in the quadrant, without prejudice, fear, or
    favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the
    whole thing."

    "I was hoping you would say that."

    "It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact
    with meat?"

    "I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say?" `Hello, meat. How's it
    going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?"

    "Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but
    they can't live on them. And being meat, they only travel through C space.
    Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their
    ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact."

    "So we just pretend there's no one home in the universe."

    "That's it."

    "Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who
    have been aboard our vessels, the ones you have probed? You're sure they
    won't remember?"

    "They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and
    smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them."

    "A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's
    dream."

    "And we can mark this sector unoccupied."

    "Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone
    interesting on that side of the galaxy?"

    "Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class
    nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotation ago, wants to
    be friendly again."

    "They always come around."

    "And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the universe
    would be if one were all alone."
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY FOR THE LAYMAN

    ANTIBODY
    against everyone

    ARTERY
    the study of fine paintings

    BACTERIA
    back door to a cafeteria

    BANDAGES
    The Rolling Stones

    BARIUM
    what you do when CPR fails

    BENIGN
    what you be after you be eight

    BOTULISM
    tendency to make mistakes

    BOWEL
    letters like A, E, I, O, or U

    CAESAREAN SECTION
    a district in Rome

    CARDIOLOGY
    advanced study of poker playing

    CAT SCAN
    searching for ones lost kitty

    CAUTERIZE
    made eye contact with her

    COLIC
    a sheep dog

    COMA
    a punctuation mark

    CONGENITAL
    friendly

    CORTIZONE
    the local courthouse

    D & C
    where Washington is

    DILATE
    to live longer

    ENEMA
    not a friend

    ENTERITIS
    a penchant for burglary

    ER
    the things on your head that you hear with

    FESTER
    quicker

    FIBRILLATE
    to tell lies

    G.I. SERIES
    baseball games between teams of soldiers

    GENES
    blue denim slacks

    GENITAL
    non-Jewish

    GRIPPE
    what you do to a suitcase

    HANGNAIL
    a coathook

    HEMORRHOID
    a male from outer space

    HERPES
    what women do in the Ladies Room

    HORMONES
    what a prostitute does when she doesn't get paid

    ICU
    peek-a-boo

    IMPOTENT
    distinguished, well known

    INPATIENT
    tired of waiting

    LABOR PAIN
    hurt at work

    MEDICAL STAFF
    a doctor's cane

    MINOR OPERATION
    somebody else's

    MORBID
    a higher offer

    NITRATE
    lower than day rate

    NODE
    was aware of

    ORGAN TRANSPLANT
    what you do to your piano when you move

    ORGANIC
    church musician

    OUTPATIENT
    a person who has fainted

    PARALYZE
    two far-fetched stories

    PATHOLOGICAL
    a reasonable way to go

    PHARMACIST
    person who makes a living dealing in agriculture

    PLASTER CAST
    the drunk roadies backstage at a rock concert

    POST-OPERATIVE
    a letter carrier

    PROTEIN
    in favor of young people

    RECOVERY ROOM
    place to upholster furniture

    RECTUM
    what happened to the Corvette

    RED BLOOD COUNT
    Dracula

    RHEUMATIC
    amorous

    SALINE
    where you go on your boyfriend's boat

    SECRETION
    hiding anything

    SEROLOGY
    study of English knighthood

    SURGERY
    a reason to get an uninterruptible power supply

    STERILE SOLUTION
    not using the elevator during a fire

    TABLET
    a small table

    TERMINAL ILLNESS
    getting sick at the airport

    TIBIA
    country in North Africa

    TRIPLE BYPASS
    better than a quarterback sneak

    TUMOR
    an extra pair

    URINE
    opposite of "you're out"

    VARICOSE
    very close

    VEIN
    conceited

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    IF MEN GOT PREGNANT...

    * Maternity leave would last for two years...with full pay.
    * There'd be a cure for stretch marks
    * Natural childbirth would become obsolete
    * Morning sickness would rank as the nation's number one health problem
    * All methods of birth control would be improved 100 percent
    effectiveness
    * Children would be kept in the hospital until they were toilet trained
    * Men would be EAGER to talk about commitment
    * They wouldn't think twins were quite so cute
    * Fathers would demand thaqt their SONS be home from dates by 10:00pm
    * Men could use THEIR briefcases as diaper bags
    * They'd have to stop saying,"I'm afraid I'll drop him."
    * Paternity suits would be a line of clothes
    * They'd stay in bed for the entire nine months
    * Menus at most restaurants would list ice cream and pickles as an
    entree
    * Women would rule the world!

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    From rbw@fico.uucp Fri Oct 23 22:43:17 1992
    Newsgroups: rec.humor,rec.humor.d
    Subject: Men's Public Restrooms
    Keywords: Hey! What are you looking at?
    Date: 24 Oct 92 02:43:17 GMT

    The Novices' Guide to Using The Men's Room

    Unless you totally absorb your food, using the lavatorial facilties is a
    very important part of daily life. After logging in hundreds of hours in
    the men's room (!), I can safely say I am an expert in the proper use of
    these facilities. I would like to offer the two most important rules to
    those novices when it comes to using these public facilities. Keep in mind
    that the following is written from a male point of view. I apologize for
    not being able to observe these actions from a female point of view (they
    always kick me out!)

    Rule #1: Make sure you are in the right restroom.

    This is a lot harder than you think. Just what DO those symbols stand for?
    Sure, it says "men" and "women", but how do we know for SURE? You can take
    a peek and risk ruining your reputation (or enhance it, depending on our
    life style.) Or, you could wait outside till someone goes in or out, but by
    THAT time, you probably need to go to the laundromat!

    Let's say you take a chance and walk in. As a guy, it's quite easy to tell
    if you're in the right restroom. If you see a urinal, you're in the right
    place. For those who don't know, a urinal is a vertical procelain thing
    that's attached to the wall, and it usually has water in it. When
    activated, the thing resembles an art deco water fountain.

    If you do happen to end up in the wrong restroom, you can do one of the
    following:

    1) say something apologetic, then run like crazy out the door
    2) yell "Bomb threat! Clear the building NOW!"
    3) say "Hey! I'M not in the wrong restroom! YOU are!!" and watch
    the fun begin.

    Rule #2: Never establish eye contact

    If you HAVE to talk to another person in the restroom, please DO NOT make
    eye contact. Especially if one of you happens to be "doing their thing."
    I've always wondered: just how comfortable can you feel talking to each
    other in a very private and personal setting? I mean, how can you all
    concentrate on conversation with all that background noise? C'mon, when we
    guys take a piss, the last thing we want to do is talk to someone while
    we're holding our privates. It's even worse when two guys try to carry on a
    coversation when they're both taking a dump. I mean, how can you
    concentrate with all that noise and smell? Let's face it: this situation is
    extremely uncomfortable. In a public restroom, like in the mall, this
    situation could become dangerous, especially when "real guys" play the game
    of "What Are You Looking At?"

    To deal with this, men have developed highly specialized visual skills. The
    most amazing of these skills is the ability to identify someone from just
    the footwear sticking out of the stall. This is a good skill to develop for
    you do NOT want to peek into an occupied stall. Trust me. (Hey! What are
    you LOOKING at?")

    Back in college, we had a 5 minute break from lecture for physics class.
    Now, quantum mechanics can be fascinating or it can be mind-bogglingly
    boring, depending on the level of your professor's enthusiasm. Anyway, at
    the break, about a dozen guys would fly toward the men's room toward the
    urinals (drinking all that caffeine will fill your bladder real quick!)
    Now, in the men's room at college, there were 14 urinals lined adjacent to
    each other. I always found it interesting observing several grown men
    desperately trying to avoid eye contact with anyone else while urinating. I
    mean, they would do everything else BUT make eye contact. Guys would just
    stare straight ahead, straight down, but never at SOMEBODY. Not homophobia,
    mind you, but just plain old VERY UNCONFORTABLE. I find it funny that these
    guys would pretend to observe the beauty and engineering of a bathroom
    tile, or pretend to admire the fine piece of porcelain art they were using.
    Some of you guys who are more poetic than the rest of us write fascinating
    and rhythmic soliloquys on the walls. You know who you are!! In fact, many
    hours have been spent by scholars trying to analyze the social and cultural
    significance of phrases that begin with "Here I sit, broken-hearted . . ."

    Anyway, keep these two rules in mind, and you can use and leave the public
    restroom in one piece. Hey!! What are YOU looking at???
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    From: brea9430@mach1.wlu.ca (breadner kenneth cecil joseph u)
    Newsgroups: rec.humor,rec.humor.d
    Subject: Re: Men's Public Restrooms
    Keywords: Hey! What are you looking at?
    Date: 26 Oct 92 02:29:24 GMT

    In article <1992Oct24.024317.24822@fico.uucp> rbw@fico.uucp writes:
    > The Novices' Guide to Using The Men's Room
    >
    Very long and hilarious guide deleted....

    Hey, you forgot the most obvious rule, the sacred rule, of using the men's
    restroom, to wit:

    "Never, under any circumstances, attempt to use a urinal that is in any way
    adjacent to one already in use".

    This is important. If there are three urinals lined up, men will invariably
    take the ones at the corners. Which creates a funny situation when a third
    man, nearly drowning in his own piss, opens the door to the restroom and
    finds only the center urinal free. He will do one of two things. He will
    use one of the stalls, or, if all of those are in use as well, he will piss
    in his pants.

    In really rough-and-tumble environments, like, for instance, the
    international headquarters of "Hell's Demonic Macho Studs Who Roar Around
    On Large Motorized Bicycles", this "adjacency" rule should be expanded
    somewhat. In such environments, it is recommended that one use the urinal
    that is located as far away as possible from any urinals that are already
    in use. In point of fact, it might be better to avoid restrooms in such
    places in the first place.

    Of course, if you do that, you will get the "HEY! What are you, afraid to
    come and piss next to a REAL MAN?"

    Men. We can't win for losing.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    "How I Met My Wife"

    by Jack Winter/The New Yorker

    It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was very
    chalant, despite my efforts to appear gruntled and consolate.

    I was furling my wieldy umbrella for the coat check when I saw her standing
    alone in a corner. She was a descript person, a woman in a state of total
    array. Her hair was kempt, her clothing shevelled, and she moved in a
    gainly way.

    I wanted desperately to meet her, but I knew I'd have to make bones about
    it since I was traveling cognito. Beknownst to me, the hostess, whom I
    could see both hide and hair of, was very proper, so it would be skin off
    my nose if anything bad happened. And even though I had only swerving
    loyalty to her, my manners couldn't be peccable. Only toward and heard-of
    behavior would do.

    Fortunately, the embarrassment that my maculate appearance might cause was
    evitable. There were two ways about it, but the chances that someone as
    flappable as I would be ept enough to become persona grata or a sung hero
    were slim. I was, after all, something to sneeze at, someone you could
    easily hold a candle to, someone who usually aroused bridled passion.

    So I decided not to risk it. But then, all at once, for some apparent
    reason, she looked in my direction and smiled in a way that I could make
    heads or tails of.

    I was plussed. It was concerting to see that she was communicado, and it
    nerved me that she was interested in a pareil like me, sight seen.
    Normally, I had a domitable spirit, but, being corrigible, I felt
    capacitated--as if this were something I was great shakes at--and forgot
    that I had succeeded in situations like this only a told number of times.
    So, after a terminable delay, I acted with mitigated gall and made my way
    through the ruly crowd with strong givings.

    Nevertheless, since this was all new hat to me and I had no time to prepare
    a promptu speech, I was petuous. Wanting to make only called-for remarks, I
    started talking about the hors d'oeuvres, trying to abuse her of the notion
    that I was sipid, and perhaps even bunk a few myths about myself.

    She responded well, and I was mayed that she considered me a savory
    character who was up to some good. She told me who she was. "What a perfect
    nomer," I said, advertently. The conversation become more and more choate,
    and we spoke at length to much avail. But I was defatigable, so I had to
    leave at a godly hour. I asked if she wanted to come with me. To my
    delight, she was committal. We left the party together and have been
    together ever since. I have given her my love, and she has requited it.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    THE SAGA OF MANAGEMENT REVIEW OF WRITING STYLE

    Question: How many feet do mice have?

    Original reply: Mice have four feet.
    Mgmt. Comment: Elaborate!

    Revision 1: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet.
    Mgmt. Comment: No discussion of fifth appendage!

    Revision 2: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet and one is a
    tail.
    Mgmt. Comment: What? Feet with no legs?

    Revision 3: Mice have four legs, four feet and one tail per unit-mouse.
    Mgmt. Comment: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages?

    Revision 4: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per
    body.
    Mgmt. Comment: Does not fully discuss the issue!

    Revision 5: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg
    is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail is not
    equipped with a foot.
    Mgmt. Comment: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful? NO!

    Revision 6: Allotment appendages for mice will be: Four leg-foot
    assemblies, one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it
    would constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets.
    Mgmt. Comment: Too authoritative; stifles creativity!

    Revision 7: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg
    joined integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also
    attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and
    ornamental in nature.
    Mgmt. Comment: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question!

    FINAL REVISION APPROVED BY MANAGEMENT: Mice have four feet.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments


    You Might be a Michigander......

    ...If you define Summer as three months of bad sledding.

    ...If your definition of a small town is one that doesn't have a lake.

    ...If your family breaks into violence during the UM-MSU game (any
    sport!).

    ...If snow tires come standard on all your cars.

    ...If at least 50% of your relatives work for the auto industry.

    ...If you have ever gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week.

    ...If you can identify an Ohio accent.

    ...If owning a Japanese car was a hanging offense in your home town.

    ...If you learned to pilot a boat before the training wheels were off
    your bike.

    ...If you think Alkaline batteries were named after a Tiger
    outfielder.

    ...If you point at the palm of your right hand when telling people
    where you grew up.

    ...If you don't understand what the big deal about Chicago is.

    ...If someone aks you if you've been to Europe and you answer, "No,
    but I've been to Ann Arbor".

    ...If "Down South" to you means Toledo.

    ...If you have any idea who Bob Ufer was.

    ...If octopus and hockey go together as naturally as hot dogs and
    baseball.

    ...If traveling coast to coast means going from Port Huron to
    Muskegon.

    ...If you think "going up north" would be a great vacation....in
    January.

    ...If you refer to your relatives in southern Michigan as "trolls" or
    "lopers".

    ...If the "Big Three" can mean either Ford, Chrysler and GM or
    Domino's, Little Ceasar's and Hungry Howie's.

    ...If a Big Mac is something you can drive across.

    ...If you have no problem spelling Mackinac Island.

    ...If you had to get a passport to go to Ohio.

    ...If you have as many Canadian coins in your pockets as American
    ones.

    ...If your kid's baseball and softball games have ever been snowed
    out.

    ...If the trees in your backyard have spigots.

    ...If you know that a place called "Kalamazoo" really exists.

    ...If you bake with "soda" and drink "pop".

    ...If you know what a pastie is.

    ...If you drive 70 mph on the highway and pass on the right.

    ...If your favorite hockey team's mascot is an octopus.

    ...If you have a favorite hockey team.

    ...If you don't have a coughing fit from one sip of Vernor's.

    ...If you know how to play Euchre.
    _________________________________________________________________

    Back to Regional Humor

    Back to Tina's Humor Archives main page

    Comments

    If Microweak built cars...

    1. A particular model year of car wouldn't be available until after that
    year,instead of before.

    2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new
    car.

    3. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, you'd have to
    restart it. For some strange reason, you would just accept this.

    4. You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought
    a car '95 or a car NT, but then you'd have to buy more seats.

    5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car. Wait a sec, it's
    that way now!

    6. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice as
    reliable, 5 times as fast, but only ran on 5% of the roads.

    7. The oil, alternator, gas, engine warning lights would be replaced with a
    single "General Car Fault" warning light.

    8. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars,
    forgetting completely that they had been available in other brands for
    years.

    9. We would still be waiting on the "6000 sux 58'" model to come out.

    10. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas (tm).

    11. Lee Iacocca would be hired-on as Bill G.'s chauffeur.

    12. The US government would be getting subsidies from an automaker, instead
    of giving them.

    13. New seats will force everyone to have the same size ass.

    14. Ford, General Motors and Chrysler would all be complaining because
    Microsoft was putting a radio in all its models.

    15. There would be no ignition key, just a 'start' button.

    16. For lack of a better idea, and to prevent anybody developing an
    independant identity for their car, all models would simply be dubbed 'My
    Car'.

    17. All the neat useful bits like head lights, accelerator pedal, and
    paint, would come in an optional 'Plus' pack.

    18. People would pay money to test drive a Microweak car into a wall so
    that Microweak could assess their pre-release cars.

    19. Car '95 would go down in history as the Edsel of the 90's.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Newsgroups: bit.listserv.giggles
    Subject: JOKE-RATED: Microsoft and Sex
    From: Ming Chen (Ming.Chen@NS.POTSDAM.EDU)
    Date: Wed, 26 Jul 1995 17:45:16 -0400

    Got this from a friend of mine who works at (of course,) Apple Computers:

    Three women were in a bar talking about their husbands and how they made
    love.

    The first woman said, "My husband is a marriage counselor, and before we
    make love, he brings me flowers and candy. I like that."

    The second woman proclaimed, "My husband is a mechanic, he makes love a
    little rough, I like that."

    The third woman replied, "Well my husband works for Microsoft and all he
    does is sit on the edge of the bed and tell me how good it's going to be
    when I get it."
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
    Origination: HUMOR Mailing List
    Originator: "Michael J. Irvin" (irvinmj@WSU.EDU)
    Original Subject: Somebody left a glass of milk next to the keyboard
    Date: Thu, 10 Aug 1995 08:33:50 -0700
    =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

    Somebody left a glass of milk next to the keyboard. Reaction?

    Optimist:
    The glass is half full.

    Pessimist:
    The glass is half empty.

    Futurist:
    The milk's in the wrong half of the glass.

    Pascal programmers:
    Well, what type of milk is it?

    C Programmers:
    No thanks; I drink straight from the jug.

    Assembly programmers:
    No thanks; I drink straight from the cow.

    Basic programmers:
    No thanks; I'm still breast feeding.

    MIS:
    I'll drink it if you can give me until next year.

    Fuzzy logic guys:
    I may or may not have drunk some part of that milk.

    Prolog programmers:
    I know I drank it - just don't ask me how.

    Non-procedural language programmers:
    I drank it when nobody was looking.

    UI designers:
    What's that crap in my glass?

    Pentium users:
    I drank Glass * .49999999 . . . but don't hold me to that.

    Windows users:
    Where's my straw?

    Mac users:
    Where's my pump?

    UNIX users:
    Nahh . . . too easy.

    Multimedia author:
    [slurp!]

    Shareware game author:
    That glass is free; the next one you have to pay for.

    Security consultant:
    Where'd the rest of the milk go?

    CIA:
    What makes you think that's milk?

    NSA:
    We know what it really is.

    Copy protection crazies:
    Somebody drank half my milk and didn't pay for it!

    Free Software Foundation:
    That milk is the cow's contribution to all mankind!

    Schroedinger:
    That damned cat got into the milk again!

    Bill Gates:
    Not enough market share to be Microsoft Milk.

    Apple Computer:
    You guys really oughta be drinking Perrier.

    IBM:
    Rent the glass from us and we'll fill it with something we know is
    good for you.

    IRS:
    Thanks for getting your milk withholding correct this year.

    National news media:
    Hey, we wanted OJ!

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    How Mil Specs Live Forever

    The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5
    inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because
    that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built
    by English expatriates.

    Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail
    lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways,
    and that's the gauge they used.

    Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the
    tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons,
    which used that wheel spacing.

    Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to
    use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long
    distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts.

    So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in
    Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The
    roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which
    everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first
    made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial
    Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

    Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United State
    standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original
    specification (Military Spec) for an Imperial Roman army war chariot.
    MilSpecs and Bureaucracies live forever.

    So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's
    ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman
    chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of
    two war horses.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Taken from the MIT Course Evaluation Guide, Fall, 1991

    The Best and Worst Comments Received

    "This class was a religious experience for me... I had to take it all on
    faith."

    "Text makes a satisfying `thud' when dropped on the floor."

    "The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree."

    "His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame."

    "Textbook is confusing... Someone with a knowledge of English should
    proofread it."

    "Have you ever fell asleep in class and awoke in another? That's the way I
    felt all term."

    "In class I learn I can fudge answers and get away with it."

    "Keep lecturer or tenure board will be shot."

    "The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries
    to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him."

    "Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."

    "In class the syllabus is more important than you are."

    "I am convinced that you can learn by osmosis by just sitting in his
    class."

    "Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!"

    "Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material."

    "Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was, where I
    was, and what I was doing -- it's a great stress reliever."

    "He is one of the best teachers I have had... He is well-organized,
    presents good lectures, and creates interest in the subject. I hope my
    comments don't hurt his chances of getting tenure."

    "I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels. They've
    got a cool nest in the tree."

    "He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high."

    "This course kept me out of trouble from 2-4:30 on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

    "Most of us spent the 1st 3 weeks terrified of the class. Then solidarity
    kicked in."

    "Bogus number crunching. My HP is exhausted."

    "The absolute value of the TA was less than epsilon."

    "TA steadily improved throughout the course... I think he started drinking
    and it really loosened him up."

    "Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose -- spraying in all
    directions -- no way to stop it."

    "I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin tapes
    that I used more while doing the problem sets that I would have used the
    text."

    "What's the quality of the text? `Text is printed on high quality paper.'"
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    X-News: forest rec.humor.funny:4050
    From: wb8foz@netcom.com
    Subject:And she's no blond.....

    ===================================
    There is a thread about those supermarket "discount customer" cards in
    misc.consumer. Here's MY followup:
    ====================================

    Dear Mr. Jones:

    We noticed you've not picked up any condoms at SpiffyMart recently. (Your
    last purchase was 8 weeks ago.) Further, you have stopped buying feminine
    hygiene products, but have sharply increased your frozen pizza and dinners
    usage in the same time frame.

    It's clear that Ms. Jody Sanders has dumped you. (It's probably for the
    best - we knew she was a loser from that cheap shampoo she buys.) We
    confirmed this with the Post Office database -- yep, she filed a change of
    address.

    We at Horny International offer our condolences. As the number-one vender
    of hot X-rated videos, we'd like to help you out in this time of stress. If
    you're feeling lonely, check out our catalog of both VHS and super 8 tapes.

    Order now and we throw in an extra tape FREE!

    Yours Truly;

    Sleazy Jerk, Marketing Manager.

    ps: That "blond" at O'Dougles last Saturday -- you bought her 2nd
    Strawberry Martini? Forget it! She's on her third yeast infection in as
    many months, and is a 'regular' at Acme Pharmacy. (Her HMO computer gossips
    with ours.) You never know what else she might have. Our tapes are LOTS
    safer!..
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    [email]

    MMS

    From: Richard Lamont (richard@stonix.demon.co.uk)
    Newsgroups: demon.tech.unix
    Subject: Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE)

    I got this today. I thought it might amuse this group's in-patients.

    #include
    #include
    #include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
    #include /* For the court of law */
    #define say(x) lie(x)
    #define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
    #define next_year soon
    #define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version

    void main()
    {
    if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
    {
    if (there_are_still_bugs)
    market(bugfix);
    if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
    raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
    }
    while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
    {
    make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in
    lie.h */
    if (rumours_grow_wilder)
    make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);

    if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
    {
    market_time=ripe;
    say("It will be ready in one month);
    order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
    order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
    order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
    vapourware=TRUE;
    break;
    }
    }
    switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
    {
    case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
    say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
    break;
    case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
    say("Yes it will work");
    ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
    pretend(there_is_no_problem);
    break;
    case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
    say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
    " the 32 bits architecture");
    inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
    inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
    "'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
    inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
    get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
    break;
    case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
    say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for
    everyone");
    register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
    when(time_is_ripe)
    {
    arrest(journalist);
    brainwash(journalist);
    when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
    {
    order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
    release (journalist);
    }
    }
    break;
    }
    while (vapourware)
    {
    introduction_date++; /* Delay */
    if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
    break;
    say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
    }
    release(beta_version)
    while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
    {
    bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
    release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
    introduce(more_memory_requirements);
    if (customers_report_installation_problems)
    {
    say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
    if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
    {
    ignore(customer);
    order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this
    bastard");
    }
    }
    if (there_is_another_company)
    {
    steal(their_ideas);
    accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
    hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
    wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
    buy_out(other_company);
    }
    }
    /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at
    us */
    order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
    buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
    laugh_at(everyone,
    for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
    }

    void bugfix(void)
    {
    charge (a_lot_of_money);
    if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
    say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
    if (still_complaints)
    {
    ignore(customer);
    register(customer, Big_Bill_Book);
    /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
    }
    }

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    This is apparently a true story...

    When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he
    not only gave his famous "One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for
    Mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks - usual com traffic
    between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Before he re-entered
    the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

    Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival
    Soviet Cosmonaut; however, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the
    Russian nor American space programs.

    Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck,
    Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering
    questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old
    question to Armstrong.

    He finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong
    felt he could answer the question.

    When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the
    backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his
    neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorksy.

    As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr.
    Gorsky, "Oral sex? Oral sex you want? You'll get oral sex when the kid next
    door walks on the moon!"
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    From: ianb@ocf.berkeley.edu (Ian Barkley)
    Subject:Compiler says 'Ack'
    Date: 23 Feb 92 09:30:04 GMT

    ABSOLUTELY UNCHANGED COMPILER RESPONSES

    (from a make of umoria 5.4 on an Apollo...)


    [monsoon:umoria] 19} make
    cc -O -c main.c
    Compiler Errors
    99 divide by 0 error: can't find source
    033 linker attempting to 'duck tape' this 'gerbil' of a program
    cc -O -c misc1.c
    Compiler Errors
    099 Warning: parser bug confuses : and ; and | at times
    088 Warning: pointer passed to pointer; pointer loop
    086 sin | more souls >! /dev/hell
    cc -O -c misc2.c
    Compiler Errors
    00 function 'fuckit' not defined
    666 you're going to hell for this code style
    77 You learned to program in FORTRAN didn't you?
    088 Warning: pointer passed to pointer; pointer loop
    088 Warning: i before e, except after ;
    cc -O -c misc3.c
    Compiler Errors
    101 can't find library 'stdlib.h'
    ******** Line 1725 of "misc3.c": [Warning #202] Value assigned to mask is never
    used;
    assignment eliminated by optimizer.
    ******** Line 1858 of "misc3.c": [Warning #202] Value assigned to mask is never
    used;
    assignment eliminated by optimizer.
    ******** Line 2203 of "misc3.c": [Warning #202] Value assigned to flag is never
    used;
    assignment eliminated by optimizer.
    cc -O -c misc4.c
    Compiler Errors
    14 parse error: I just don't get it
    77 You learned to program in FORTRAN didn't you?
    088 Warning: pointer passed to pointer; pointer loop
    54 echo > /dev/console < 'mail richie@belcore.com < echo "Idiot coding c"'
    1001001 funky
    cc -O -c store1.c
    Compiler Errors
    14 parse error: I just don't get it
    042 Alert: this code has holes, check for /dev/moths
    77 You learned to program in FORTRAN didn't you?
    1906 not a typewriter
    ******** Line 163 of "store1.c": [Warning #202] Value assigned to min_sell is n
    ever
    used; assignment eliminated by optimizer.
    cc -O -c files.c
    Compiler Errors
    77 You learned to program in FORTRAN didn't you?
    1906 not a typewriter
    ******** Line 256 of "files.c": [Warning #202] Value assigned to nobj is never
    used;
    assignment eliminated by optimizer.
    ******** Line 251 of "files.c": [Warning #202] Value assigned to level is never
    used;
    assignment eliminated by optimizer.
    cc -O -c io.c
    Compiler Errors
    088 Warning: pointer passed to pointer; pointer loop
    1906 not a typewriter
    000 cpp says it's hopeless but trying anyway
    088 Warning: i before e, except after ;
    57 construct '{while i--, c_d(*(i)) == *r; <[op_"*++}' failed
    ******** Line 1301 of "io.c": [Warning #202] Value assigned to y is never used;
    assignment eliminated by optimizer.
    ******** Line 1403 of "io.c": [Warning #202] Value assigned to slen is never us
    ed;
    assignment eliminated by optimizer.
    cc -O -c create.c
    Compiler Errors
    666 you're going to hell for this code style
    055 trace warning: can't follow vectorized 'sprintf' function
    cc -O -c desc.c
    Compiler Errors
    54 echo > /dev/console < 'mail richie@belcore.com < echo "Idiot coding c"'
    055 trace warning: can't follow vectorized 'sprintf' function
    cc -O -c generate.c
    Compiler Errors
    099 Warning: parser bug confuses : and ; and | at times
    1 FOAD
    033 linker attempting to 'duck tape' this 'gerbil' of a program
    055 trace warning: can't follow vectorized 'sprintf' function
    cc -O -c sets.c
    Compiler Errors
    042 Alert: this code has holes, check for /dev/moths
    54 echo > /dev/console < 'mail richie@belcore.com < echo "Idiot coding c"'
    1001001 funky
    cc -O -c dungeon.c
    Compiler Errors
    666 you're going to hell for this code style
    1906 not a typewriter
    cc -O -c creature.c
    Compiler Errors
    099 Warning: parser bug confuses : and ; and | at times
    cc -O -c eat.c
    Compiler Errors
    042 Alert: this code has holes, check for /dev/moths
    088 Warning: pointer passed to pointer; pointer loop
    57 construct '{while i--, c_d(*(i)) == *r; <[op_"*++}' failed
    cc -O -c save.c
    Compiler Errors
    1 FOAD
    101 can't find library 'stdlib.h'
    1906 not a typewriter
    000 cpp says it's hopeless but trying anyway
    0x098ff 0x0ff00 > 0xfffff !! > ?
    [and so on....]

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    USEFUL PHRASES TO KNOW WHEN TRAVELLING IN MOSLEM AREAS

    KBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN
    Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.

    EKR GABUL CARDAN DAVAT PARH GUSH DIVAR
    I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with
    my arms above my head with my legs apart.

    HOWMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH OEH GORTEH BANDE
    I agree with everything you have ever said and thought in your whole life.

    CASHAL-EH FASHAL-EH TUPHEMAN NA DEGAT MAN GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARIR
    BEHMESHVAREHMA.
    If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages, I will
    gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.

    AUTO ARRAREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPHAHEH- HASTI
    It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your
    car.

    KHREL, JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEII AMRIKAHEY
    I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies travelling
    as reporters.

    BALLI,BALLI,BALLI
    Whatever you say.

    MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH GHORBAN
    The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.

    TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELLEH BEZORG VA KHUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM
    The water soaked breadcrumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the
    recipe.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    "Memo of the Month," From The Washington Monthly, January/February 1991,
    page 24:

    This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all IBM
    Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest of us
    guys find it rather funny.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)

    Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to
    operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement.
    Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse
    balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

    Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the
    underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than
    foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon manufacturer
    of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method.
    Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not
    usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden
    discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used
    immediately.

    It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for
    maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing
    his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

    To re-order, specify one of the following:

    P/N 33F8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls
    P/N 33F8461 - Foreign Mouse Balls
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    [email]

    MS

    Top Ten Things People Think The 95 in Windows 95 Really Stands For:

    10. The number of floppies it will ship on.
    9. The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware.
    8. The number of megabytes of hard-disk space required.
    7. The number of pages in the "EASY TO INSTALL" version of the manual.
    6. The percentage of existing programs that won't run in the new operating
    system.
    5. The number of minutes to install.
    4. The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run.
    3. The number of people who will actually PAY for the upgrade.
    2. The number of MHz required for the operating system to run.
    1. The year it was DUE to ship.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical
    engineer, and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side
    of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what
    could be wrong.

    The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car
    and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical
    engineer, not knowing much about cars suggests that maybe the fuel is
    becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

    Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up
    with a suggestion. "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back
    in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work!?"
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    If restaurants functioned like MicroSoft....

    Patron: Waiter!

    Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to
    be the problem?

    Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

    Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

    Patron: No, it's still there.

    Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork
    instead.

    Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

    Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are
    you using?

    Patron: A SOUP bowl!

    Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was
    the bowl set up?

    Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly
    in my soup?

    Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in
    your soup?

    Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

    Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

    Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

    Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

    Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

    Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

    Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late
    now.

    [waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

    Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

    Patron: This is potato soup.

    Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

    Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

    [waiter leaves.]

    Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

    The check:

    Soup of the Day . ........... . . . . . . . . . $5.00
    Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . . . . . . $2.50
    Access to support . . . . . . . . . . ..........$1.00

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Destroying the Borg

    (A Star Trek Lost Episodes transcript)

    [Picard]
    Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a
    weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their
    command pathways?

    [Geordi]
    Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our
    archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology. (Geordi presses a
    key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.)

    [Riker looks puzzled..]
    What the hell is 'Microsoft'?

    [Data turns to answer..]
    Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called
    'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their command
    unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate.

    [Picard]
    But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing
    systems to increase their storage capacity?

    [Data]
    Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it will generate new
    requirements of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources
    increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to
    adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be
    taken over and none will be available for their normal operational
    functions.

    [Picard]
    Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape'
    idea.

    ... 15 Minutes Later ...

    [Data]
    Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit
    and, as expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however
    have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade' yet.

    [Geordi]
    Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to
    compensate, But we still have not received anything regarding the 'upgrade'
    to compensate for their increase.

    [Picard]
    Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we
    have missed.

    [Data]
    Sir, I believe the 'upgrade' has started. I detect something called
    "Windows95". Something seems to be happening, their systems are starting to
    look unstable and needing more system resources.

    [Captain]
    Their systems seem to have locked trying to execute normal operational
    functions. Wait, they are re-powering...

    [Riker]
    Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape
    sequence Riker 3F.

    [Geordi, excited]
    Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0!

    [Picard]
    Data, what do your scanners show?

    [Data]
    Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named
    'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity.

    [Picard]
    Let's wait and see how long this 'Solitaire' can reduce their
    functionality.

    .. Two Hours Pass . ... .

    [Riker]
    Geordi, what's the status on the Borg?

    [Geordi]
    As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for
    increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase
    resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit
    more 'windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.

    [Picard]
    How much time will that buy us?

    [Data]
    Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of
    6 more hours.

    [Geordi]
    Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.

    [Picard]
    Identify.

    [Data]
    It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo.

    [Over the speakers]
    THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP, MONOPOLY. WE HAVE
    POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER
    ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS.

    [Data]
    The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands
    of humanoid shaped objects.

    [Picard]
    Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft.

    [Riker]
    Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship
    with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep
    space?!

    [Data]
    I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I
    believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by
    twenty-first century man as doe-skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani
    suits.

    [Riker and Picard together horrified]
    LAWYERS !!

    [Geordi]
    It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun
    in 2017 during the Great Awakening.

    [Data]
    True, but apparently some must have survived.

    [Riker]
    They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with papers.

    [Data]
    I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape'. It often
    proves fatal. The Borg are now attempting to contact for help, but the
    MONOPOLY refuses to answer.

    [Riker]
    They're transmitting more modules, system overload is eminent, it's tearing
    the Borg to pieces !

    [Picard]
    Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve
    that.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Microsoft Bids to Acquire Catholic Church

    VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this
    morning, Microsoft Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond
    software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an
    unspecified number of shares of Microsoft common stock. If the deal goes
    through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired
    a major world religion.

    With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior
    vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division,
    while Microsoft senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer
    will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said Microsoft Chairman Bill
    Gates.

    "We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten
    years," said Gates. "The combined resources of Microsoft and the Catholic
    Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader
    range of people."

    Through the Microsoft Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will
    make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the
    popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said
    Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution --
    even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home."

    A new software application, Microsoft Church, will include a macro language
    which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you
    are away from your computer.

    An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square,
    watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as
    Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite
    to 700 sites worldwide.

    Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided
    Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd
    roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.

    The deal grants Microsoft exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the
    Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as
    Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say Microsoft will face stiff
    challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key
    intellectual properties.

    "The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said
    Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red
    Sea -- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the
    scene."

    But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common
    Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in
    marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father
    Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market
    share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to
    offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.

    Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor,
    leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering
    into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all
    subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to
    use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the
    Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to
    reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing Microsoft's vision of "a
    computer on every desktop and in every home".

    Gates described Microsoft's long-term strategy to develop a scalable
    religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A
    single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according
    to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different
    implementations," said Gates.

    The Microsoft move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions,
    according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist
    Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the
    increasingly competitive religious market.

    By Hank Vorjes
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Newsgroups: alt.callahans
    From: seanr@fs-gate.uchicago.edu (Sean Roberts)
    Subject: MSTie-eye and hazy (was: LATINO WOMEN AWAIT!!!!)

    (Fade into the Satellite of Love, where Tom Servo and Crow are looking at a
    magazine.)

    Servo: Wow!!! Check out the chips on this baby!
    Crow: Man, she could feed an army!
    Servo: Hurry up and turn to the centerfold...

    (Joel enters from stage right.)

    Joel: Hi, guys, what are you reading?
    Servo: Oh, uh, nothing...
    Crow: Yeah, and you can't stop us from doing it, either!
    Joel: Let me see that... (takes the magazine) Playbot?!? You guys aren't
    old enough to be looking at this...
    Crow: It was Tom's idea!
    Servo: I just wanted to read the interview with Bill Gates - *you* were the
    one who turned to the pictures.
    Crow: Did not!
    Servo: Did too!
    Joel: Knock it off, guys. So my two little bots are growing up, huh? Guess
    you guys have some questions for me...
    Servo: Umm, no, actually I think we've got it covered, Joel...
    Crow: I have a question!
    Joel: Ok, Crow, go ahead.
    Crow: Ok, say I went into a bar, and met this really cool lady bot. We have
    a few jolts, then she wants to go back to my place. What do I do after
    that?
    Joel: Well, you go on back to your place, and then you watch TV.
    Crow: And?
    Joel: Um, you talk?
    Crow: C'mon, Joel, get to the good stuff! What about - you know?
    Joel: Oh, that... I don't think you're ready to start learning about
    preventive maintenence yet. Maybe when you're older. Hold on, the Mads are
    calling.

    (The viewscreen opens.)

    Frank: Hello, Joel, Tom, Crow. How are you today?

    (Joel and the bots regard each other for a second.)

    Joel: We're fine, except for being stuck in outer space, I guess...
    Crow: Yeah, what kind of question is that, blubber boy?
    Joel: Crow...
    Frank: Well, Dr. Forrester wanted to know. Oh, here he is now - I'll let
    him explain it...
    Dr. Forrester: Good evening, my little pet project... Tonight, we're going
    to change the pace a little. Instead of our normal experiment, we're going
    to patch through a netnews feed that we picked up. I think you'll find
    it... TERRIBLE! Muah-hah-hah-hah! Hit the button, Frank!

    (Lights begin to flash on the SOL.)

    Joel & the bots: MOVIE SIGN! WE'VE GOT MOVIE SIGN!

    (Everyone clears the set, and Cambot moves through the tunnel as the doors
    open: 6 - 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1. And the theatre comes into view, as Joel
    enters, carrying Servo, followed by Crow.)

    Joel: I hope this won't take long; I've got to go brush my teeth.
    Crow: Yeah, and make sure you use mouthwash this time, halitosis boy!

    In article <30C7098F.6C5D@cris.com> bigzoo@cris.com writes:
    >From: bigzoo@cris.com
    >Subject: LATINO WOMEN AWAIT!!!!

    Servo: But what are they awaiting for?
    Crow: A clue?

    >True Love International has currently compiled a photo booklet of 100
    >Latino women from Central and South America

    Crow: As opposed to 100 Latino women from, say, Tibet?

    > who have contacted us in the
    >past 3 months seeking correspondence, romance, and meaningful
    >relationships with men of all ages and all cultures.

    Joel: How about someone stranded in space, with no-one to keep him company?
    Servo: Ah-hem!
    Joel: Oh, sorry, guys.

    >We have also compiled an additional list of 300 women who sent letters
    >but did not include photos.

    Crow: Can you say dog meat?
    Servo: You don't know that, Crow. They could just be shy!
    Joel: Then why are they seeking romance and meaningful relationships
    through a mail-order bride company?
    Crow: OW-WOOOO! OW-OW-OW-WOOOO!
    Joel: Zip it, Crow!

    >So that's 400 Latino women in all........

    Servo: And if you order today, we'll throw in 10 Russian girls, absolutely
    free!

    >WHY LATINOS? Because they are the most beautiful, sensual, and
    >emotionally supportive women in the entire world!

    Joel: Sure, tell that to Juan Peron.
    Crow: Oooh, good one!

    > They are feminine and

    Servo: Duh, they're women!

    >sweet........

    Crow: How do you know? Have you tasted them?
    Servo: That's disgusting!
    Crow: Bite me!

    >AND BEAUTIFUL!!!!!.........

    All: I'll bet!

    >and they know how to take care
    >of their men!

    Servo: C'mon, what's to know? Just feed him and sleep with him; he'll be
    happy!

    > They are kind, loving, romantic, and filled with a
    >mothering instinct that every man, at some level, desires.

    Crow: Every man?
    Joel: Especially Oedipus!

    >True Love International has made a committment to focus our services on
    >the Latino Women because........

    Crow: You're getting kickbacks from the governments south of the border?
    Joel: None of them speak English?
    Servo: You can't get any other kind to talk to you?
    Joel and Crow: Yeah, that's probably it...

    >well...........

    Servo: I don't think we're ready for that deep of a subject...
    Joel: That's really bad, Tom; maybe I should reprogram your humor center.

    >they have gone to our
    >hearts

    Crow: With a switchblade...

    > and their dreams and desires are REAL!!!

    Joel: You know, that's my problem... I have all of these imaginary desires
    that keep me from fulfilling my real ones...

    >The cost of both booklets--100 w/photos and 300 wo/photos--is only
    >$29.00.

    Crow: Wow! Only $29.00? How many do you get to choose for that?
    Joel: Crow, they only send you the booklets - you have to do everything
    else. They aren't actually selling women.
    Crow: Geez! What a rip!

    >If you wish to order, please send a check or money order to True Love
    >International, P.O. Box 9241, Saginaw, Michigan 48608. Both booklets
    >will be shipped immediately upon receipt.

    Joel: The checks in the mail...
    Servo: Does anyone else have a craving for tacos now?
    Crow: These guys should run for office!

    >Thank You!

    Joel: At last, it's over!
    Servo: I'm not sure - was this more or less terrible than 'Manos, Hands of
    Fate'?

    Joel: What do you think, sirs?
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Microsoft Toast

    During Bill Gates speech at COMDEX yesterday, he introduced a new product,
    to be unveiled at COMDEX today, called Microsoft Toast(tm). The media was
    given a pre-release demo and encouraged to try it out while preparing their
    breakfast this morning.

    Here is one reporter's transcript of his morning:
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Insert Bread - {Ok} {Cancel}

    "{Ok}"

    Use slider control to select # of seconds to toast bread.

    "{5}"

    [Toasting] And remember that only Microsoft bread(tm) is guaranteed to work
    perfectly in... TOAST BURNING - PRESS CANCEL TO STOP TOASTING PROCESS -
    {Ok} {Cancel}

    "{Cancel}"

    GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT 0300:0100 TOAST EXPLORER(tm) HAS STOPPED
    RESPONDING TO THE SYSTEM, PRESS RETRY TO RESTART OR CANCEL TO CONTINUE
    WAITING FOR PROGRAM RESPONSE.

    "{Cancel}"

    Microsoft Security(tm) system determined that the smoke levels in your home
    have become dangerously high, would you like Microsoft Security(tm) to call
    the fire department? - {OK} {CANCEL}

    "{OK}"

    MAPI FAULT - PHONE ALREADY IN USE BY MICROSOFT EXCHANGE, PLEASE SHUT DOWN
    PROGRAM AND RETRY. - {OK} {CANCEL}

    "{OK}"

    Microsoft Security(tm) system determined that the smoke levels in your home
    have become dangerously high, would you like Microsoft Security(tm) to call
    the fire department? - {OK} {CANCEL}

    "{OK}"

    "{START} {PROGRAM FILES} {MICROSOFT EXCHANGE} {CLOSE}"

    MAPI FAULT - PHONE ALREADY IN USE BY MICROSOFT EXCHANGE, PLEASE SHUT DOWN
    PROGRAM AND RETRY. - {OK} {CANCEL}

    "{OK}"

    Are you sure you wish to shut down Microsoft Exchange? -{OK}{CANCEL}

    "{OK}"

    TOAST EXPLORER(tm) HAS STOPPED RESPONDING TO THE SYSTEM, THIS PROGRAM WILL
    BE TERMINATED - {OK}

    "{OK}"

    Microsoft Security(tm) system has determined that your house is on fire,
    and/or in the midst of an intruder alert. Would you like Microsoft
    Security(tm) to call the police? - {OK} {CANCEL}

    [DISCLAIMER - CALLING THE POLICE FOR A NONURGENT SITUATION CAN LEAD TO
    SEVERE CRIMINAL FINES AND PENALTIES, FOR WHICH MICROSOFT(tm) WILL NOT BE
    HELD LIABLE. MICROSOFT(tm) DOES NOT GUARANTEE RESPONSE TIMES OR YOUR
    SAFETY, ONLY THAT THE COMPUTER WILL ATTEMPT TO CALL THE POLICE. IF YOU DO
    NOT WISH TO ACCEPT THIS REPONSIBILITY, PLEASE PRESS REJECT BELOW. Do you
    accept this reponsibility?] - {ACCEPT} {REJECT}

    "{ACCEPT}"

    MAPI FAULT - MAPI ALREADY IN USE.

    MAPI HAS STOPPED RESPONDING TO THE SYSTEM, THIS PROGRAM WILL BE TERMINATED.
    {OK}

    "{OK}"

    Microsoft Security(tm) system has determined that the system is in danger.
    The system will now power down for safety reasons. {POWER DOWN} {STAY ON}

    "{STAY ON}"

    Microsoft Security(tm) system has determined that your house is on fire,
    and/or in the midst of an intruder alert. Would you like Microsoft
    Security(tm) to call the police? - {OK} {CANCEL}

    "{OK}"

    Microsoft Power Management(tm) has determined that a power loss has occured
    and the UPS has been activated. You have 10 minutes of power left. {OK}
    {CANCEL}

    "{OK}"

    MICROSOFT SECURITY FAULT - MAPI NOT PRESENT

    MICROSOFT SECURITY HAS BECOME UNSTABLE AND WILL BE TERMINATED. -{OK}

    "{esc}"
    "{esc}"
    "{esc}"
    "{OK}"

    YOUR SYSTEM HAS BECOME UNSTABLE - PLEASE REBOOT THE SYSTEM.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Editor's Note: Some might not consider this particularly funny, but I
    include it here because it is truly bizarre and I enjoyed reading it.

    =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
    Origination: Don't Blink Mailing List
    Originator: Cheryl Norman (cheryl@bluefish.fsr.com)
    Original Subject: Not soap related but interesting Most Bizarre Suicide
    Date: Wed, 18 Oct 1995 12:30:10 -0700 (PDT)
    =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

    At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for
    Forensic Science, AAFS President Don Harper Mills astounded his audience in
    San Diego with the legal complications of a bizzare death. Here is the
    story:

    "On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and
    concluded that he died from a shotgun wound of the head. The decedent had
    jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide (he
    left a note indicating his dispondency). As he fell past the ninth floor,
    his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed
    him instantly. Neither the shooter not the decedent was aware that a safety
    net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window
    washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide
    anyway because of this.

    "Ordinarily," Dr Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide
    ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he
    intended. That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below
    probably would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide.
    But the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful caused
    the medical examiner to feel that he had homicide on his hands. "The room
    on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an
    elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and he was threatening her with
    the shotgun. He was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger, he
    completely missed the wife and the pellets went through the window striking
    Opus.

    "When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one
    is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with this charge, the
    old man and his wife were both adamant that neither knew that the shotgun
    was loaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his
    wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her -
    therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be an accident. That is, the gun
    had been accidently loaded.

    "The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's
    son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal
    incident. It transpired that the old lady cut off her son's financial
    support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the
    shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father
    would shoot his mother. The case now, becomes one of murder on the part of
    the son for the death of Ronald Opus."

    There was an exquisite twist. "Further investigation revealed that the son,
    Ronald Opus, had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his
    attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the
    ten-story building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast
    through a ninth story window.

    "The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide."
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    [email]

    MUD

    Newsgroups: bit.listserv.nutworks
    Subject: A long Item
    From: strange@cats.ucsc.edu
    Date: 23 May 92 23:30:03 GMT

    This is something I wrote a few months back which has been making the
    rounds at UCSC. It's very long, and my not be suitable for posting on the
    net because of that. But it's funny, I think.. anyhow, here it is.

    ***************************


    You are in your dorm room. Your roommate is playing Jello
    Biafra. The cups on the desk are shattering.
    There is an unfinished lab book here.
    There is a chemistry book here.
    There are socks here.
    There are empty beer bottles here.
    There is a computer here.
    There are six moldy bananas here.
    There are several tons of dirty laundry here.
    There are shattering cups here.
    There is a refrigerator here.
    There is a desk with drawers here.

    > turn off music
    Your roommate makes discouraged sounds. The cups stop shattering.
    > play beach boys
    Your roommate throws a hammer into your stereo. You now have no
    stereo. Your I.Q. Decreases by 10 points.
    > fix stereo
    The stereo is shattered beyond repair.
    > curse stereo
    "May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your erogenous zones!"
    The stereo is fixed. The sheer quantity of dirty socks in this room
    is making it hard to move.
    > look at socks
    They are very smelly. It is getting harder and harder to move.
    > clean up socks.
    You can't. They're all welded together.
    > throw socks out window
    They soar out the window with the greatest of ease, hit the
    ground, and shatter.
    > leave room
    24 hour Dave enters, fiending for weed. He blocks your exit.
    > kick dave
    Dave doesn't seem to notice.
    > yell at dave
    Dave doesn't seem to notice.
    > feed dave
    Dave thankfully gobbles your food and asks if there is any more.
    > eat dave's head
    You start chewing on dave's head. Dave doesn't seem to notice.
    Your I.Q. goes up forty points. You now understand chapter four of
    your chemistry assignment. Dave is still here.
    > work on lab book
    You don't have the lab book.
    > pick up lab book
    It is very heavy. You are carrying too much.
    > inventory
    You are carrying:
    A +10 cut-offs of tumescence
    A +3 tee-shirt of tie-die
    A +2 elven sneakers of silence
    A swiss army knife
    A badly laminated card with a picture of you on it.
    A very large ring of Keys.
    A (much too small) bag of weed.
    A package +3 papers of zig-zag.

    > look papers
    The papers are blank.
    > drop keys
    You load lightens considerably.
    > pick up lab book
    You struggle under the load, but prevail in the end.
    > do chemistry lab
    You have no calculator. Dave grabs the lab book from you and does
    the lab. You are thirsty.
    > open refrigerator
    A considerable amount of cheap beer is revealed.
    > drink cheap beer
    You have an instant hangover. You can't stand up. Dave mutters
    something about being left out.
    > kick dave
    Dave doesn't seem to notice.
    > offer beer to dave
    Dave is drunk. Dave mutters something about being back and
    leaves.
    > leave room
    You can't. You're suffering from a hangover.
    > open desk
    There is some aspirin here.
    > eat aspirin
    YUCK! You munch it up. You begin to feel better.
    > leave room
    The door locks behind you. You are in a north-south hall. There
    are several doors here, some marked with magazine clippings.
    > unlock door
    You can't. Your keys are in the room.
    > open doors
    You open the nearest door without knocking. Charles and Anna are
    here. Dave is here. There are clothes on the floor. There are no
    clothes on Charles and Anna. You get the feeling you should leave.
    > leave room
    As you are leaving, Dave mutters something about Birkenstocks.
    You are back in the hall. You are hungry.
    > south
    You come to a lounge.
    There is a door here.
    There are two chairs here.
    There is a desk here.
    Tony is here, studying chemistry.
    > greet tony
    Tony says, "Hey, bro! How's it goin'? Nice suit."
    > commiserate with tony
    Tony says, "I'm really stressing hard on this test, bro." You are
    still hungry.
    > open door
    There are stairs down to the west. There are stairs up to the
    west. There is a walkway to the south.
    > down
    There is an east-west ramp here. There are some people here. They
    comment loudly on your nudity.
    > west
    You are in a quad. There is a picnic table here. The door to the
    cafeteria is to the north.
    > north
    They don't let naked people into the cafeteria. You are forcibly
    ejected.
    > inventory
    You are carrying:
    A +10 cut-offs of tumescence
    A +3 tee-shirt of tie-die
    A +2 elven sneakers of silence
    A swiss army knife
    A badly laminated card with a picture of you on it.
    An (even smaller) bag of weed.
    A package of blank +3 papers of zig-zag.

    > wear shirt
    You are resplendent in your +3 tee-shirt of tie die.
    > wear shorts
    You are now a bulging wonder.
    > north
    You are in a room full of simulated food.
    > eat food
    You aren't even vaguely hungry. In fact, the concept of
    introducing this swill into your system is bletcherous.
    > south
    You are in a quad.
    > smoke weed
    You now have the munchies. Your subjective I.Q. increases by 10
    points. You have a revelation involving the cosmic significance of
    Spam.
    > north
    You are in a room full of an infinite amount of delectable
    munchables.
    > eat food
    You need a tray first.
    > get tray
    You now have the Tray of Cafeteria Browninan Motion.
    > eat food
    You serve yourself a generous portion of cafeteria yumness. You
    take a seat and begin shoveling it into your face. After two bites
    you are full. You have food poisoning.
    > leave
    You can't. The cafeteria is cursed. You still have food
    poisoning.
    > search cafeteria
    You find half a bottle of Everclear stashed in the salad bar.
    > drink bottle
    Wouldn't you prefer something safer? Like cutting a pre-
    enrollment line?
    > take small sip
    A small sip is probably sufficient to kill all the residents of
    Hong Kong and render it uninhabitable until the lease runs out.
    > take small small sip
    You feel the potent brew coursing down your digestive tract,
    killing everything in its path. You no longer have food poisoning.
    You pass out. After two hours, you wake up.
    You are in a quad.
    > west
    You are in no shape to move. You attempt to sit up, and the world
    does a tap dance on your face.
    > wait
    Time passes....
    > wait
    Time passes....
    > wait
    Time passes..... The world slows to a waltz.
    > west
    There is a militant lesbian here, blocking your path.
    > kick lesbian
    She enjoys it. She points out that you are a fascist sexist
    bastard.
    > wait
    The lesbian launches into a discourse on the oppressive
    patriarchal system.
    > smell lesbian
    Don't do that.
    > pull leg hairs
    You have been kicked in the balls. You pass out. You lose 5 I.Q.
    points.
    You wake up numb from the waist down.
    You are in a quad.
    > west
    There is a militant lesbian here, blocking your path.
    > bash male sex
    The militant lesbian smiles, calls you a sister, and walks off.
    > west
    This is a gentle downhill slope. There is a meadow to the west.
    The path forks here. There is a path to the northwest. There is a
    path to the southwest.
    > southwest
    You arrive at the mailhouse.
    > look in mailbox
    There are six thousand freshmen kneeling at the bottom row of
    boxes. Some are wearing short skirts, but that's slim consolation.
    > wait
    Time passes....
    > wait
    Time passes.... A space opens up in front of your box.
    > look in box
    The space is grabbed faster than you can move. You need split-
    second reflexes.
    > wait
    Time passes....
    > wait
    Time passes.... A space opens up in front of your box.
    > lunge
    You get your spot.
    > look in box
    It's packed to the bursting point.
    > open box
    You goof up.
    > again
    You goof up.
    > again
    You finally manage to open the box. Inside there are eight flyers
    for college events that happened three weeks ago. A ninth is
    current - an invitation to play croquet with the provost. You
    decline and roundfile the sheaf. There is a package notice here.
    There is a letter here.
    > read letter
    You open the letter. It is a long steamy graphic explicit love
    letter... from a total stranger.
    > check address
    Both the package notice and the opened letter are for your
    boxmate. They are postdated three months ago. You have been
    airboxed.
    > north
    You are hemmed in by 1000 dorm androids sans brassieres trying to
    get to their boxes.
    > howl
    Your howling causes the androids to stare at the sky in
    confusion, giving you time to make your escape.
    > north
    You exit stage left, kicking several fembots in the shins as you
    pass. The bit of abuse you inflict causes several of the fembots to
    follow you, hoping for more.
    There is a very small grove of trees to the east.
    > east
    You are in a grove of trees, some slightly taller than others.
    There are some fembots here.
    > north
    You are in a grove of trees, some slightly smaller than others.
    There are some fembots here.
    > west
    You are in a grove of trees, some slightly bigger than others.
    There are some fembots here.
    > north
    You are in a grove of trees, some slightly leafier than others.
    There are some fembots here.
    > southeast
    You are in a grove of trees, some slightly greener than others.
    There are some fembots here.
    > east
    You are in a grove of trees, some slightly darker than others.
    There are some fembots here.
    > south
    You are in a grove of trees, some slightly moister than others.
    There are some fembots here.
    > west
    You are in a grove of trees, some slightly creepier than others.
    There are some fembots here.
    > south
    You are in a grove of trees, some slightly older than others.
    There are some fembots here.
    > west
    You are in a grove of trees, some slightly browner than others.
    There are some fembots here.
    > north
    You are in a grove of trees, some slightly odoriferous than
    others. There are some fembots here.
    > west
    You are in a grove of trees, some slightly taller than others.
    There are some fembots here.
    > west
    You are standing in the quad again. The smell of sweat socks
    fills the air. The cafeteria is preparing dinner.
    There are some fembots here.
    There are some shattered sweat socks here.
    There is a small red bottle that says "Drink Me!" here.
    There is a book of matches here.
    There is a lamp post here. There is a notice pinned to the
    lamppost.
    > Get matches.
    Taken.
    > burn notice
    Don't you want to see what it says first?
    > burn notice
    There are many trees nearby.
    > burn notice godammit
    You must first light a match.
    > light match
    The match refuses to burn.
    > drop match
    You violate the ecological pristiness of the area by dropping a
    filthy, unnatural, manmade piece of trash on the ground. One of the
    fembots gets offended and leaves to organize a protest.
    > light second match
    The second match bursts into flame.
    > burn notice
    The notice burns with a pleasant green flame.
    > get bottle
    You take the bottle that says "Drink Me!"
    > north
    You walk to a deserted area between two buildings. There is a
    north-south path here.
    There are some fembots here.
    There are some protesters here.
    Your fingers are getting warm.
    > north
    You walk north. The path winds around to the east. There is a
    building to the north.
    There are some fembots here.
    There is some chanting coming from the south.
    Your fingers are burning.
    > Drop match
    You drop the match on the ground. Your fingers continue to burn.
    > Suck on fingers
    The fembots are offended by the sexual symbolism and leave.
    The fire is extinguished. Your fingers are throbbing now.
    There is a match burning on the ground.
    > step on match
    You step on the match, burning the bottom of your foot in the
    process. You should remember to wear shoes more often.
    There is a burnt-out match sitting on the ground.
    > wear shoes
    You move very quietly now.
    > north
    You smack your head into the building. The building does not
    move.
    Your I.Q. drops by 10 points. You no longer grok spam.
    > east
    You enter the Merrill academic building. You are in a North-South
    hallway. There is a door to the East. Exit is to the West.
    > east
    You enter a quiet classroom. The students, who had apparently
    been taking an exam, look up at you angrily. The professor glares
    at you angrily. The students return to their frantic efforts. The
    professor, who looks vaguely familiar, continues to glare. You
    suddenly realize that this is your calculus class, which you have
    not attended in three weeks.
    > sit
    You find an empty desk. The chair squeaks as you seat yourself,
    causing the student next to you to give you a grimace that would
    make a good Butthole Surfers album cover. The professor brings you
    a copy of the midterm.
    > look test
    You look at the test. The problems on the first page are
    impossible. The material on the following eight pages is worse.
    Test stress causes your I.Q. to drop 100 points.
    > do test
    This is impossible, as you have neither pencil nor calculator.
    You realize that failing this exam means failing the course.
    > borrow pencil
    Your neighbor growls angrily as soon as you start to vocalize
    your request.
    > steal pencil
    You steal the extra pencil from your neighbor's desk. He does not
    notice.
    > do test
    You start to work on the first problem, even though you have only
    a vague understanding of how to solve it. The pencil hurts your
    charred fingers. Beads of sweat form on your forehead as you
    scratch out calculations that would normally be done on a
    calculator. You reach an answer that could not possibly be correct.
    > do second problem
    Just reading the second problem severely stresses your mental
    resources. You suffer a brain embolism.
    > do problem
    You begin calculations on the second problem. Sweat begins to
    trickle from your face and armpits. You begin to stink. The trickle
    of sweat turns into a raging torrent. Your brain seizes. You cannot
    move.
    > wait
    Time passes...
    > wait
    Time passes...
    > wait
    Time passes. You can move now.
    > smoke test
    Do you really want to do that?
    > smoke test
    As you inhale the xeroxed papyrus, you feel the knowledge of the
    ancients seeping into your mind. You come to a complete
    understanding of the material, but you no longer have anything to
    turn in.
    > write answers
    What do you want to write the answers on?
    > paper
    You start scribbling the solutions to the problems on the blank
    papers of zig-zag. Just as you write the last answer, the teacher
    collects the exams, staples them together, and leaves. You have
    truly smoked this test.
    > east
    You are in a north-south hallway. There is a door to the east.
    > north
    You stumble down the hallway in a northerly direction. Smacking
    into the door at the end and popping it open. You trip over your
    untied shoelaces and fall through the doorway. The door slams shut
    behind you.
    > Tie shoelaces
    You tie your shoelaces into a very tight knot. Your shoes can now
    only be removed by surgery.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    [email]

    MVS

    by Matt Groening

    NEWS BULLETIN - Men and women are NOT alike. Sure, you thought you already
    knew that. But now we have proof! After countless hours of surveys and
    studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged:

    Relationships:
    First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers
    to it as "that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a semi-regular
    basis". When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out
    to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots".
    Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting
    go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he
    will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and
    I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I
    want you to know there's always a chance for us". This is known as the "I
    Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at
    least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get
    over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

    Sex:
    Women prefer 30 - 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 - 45 seconds of
    foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

    Maturity:
    Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as
    adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving
    each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely
    work.

    Hats:
    Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.

    Comedy:
    Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching
    television, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on. Immediately,
    the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try
    to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge. The women will roll
    their eyes and groan and wait it out.

    Handwriting:
    To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
    chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their
    "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their
    "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when
    she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

    Bathrooms:
    A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste,
    shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
    The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
    would not be able to identify most of these items.

    Magazines:
    Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's magazine
    also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female body is a
    beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and should
    not be seen by the light of day.

    Groceries:
    A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and
    buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are
    half a lemon and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He
    buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout
    counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly
    Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the
    10-items-or-less lane.

    Going out:
    When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When
    a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out,
    as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup...

    Shoes:
    When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then
    slip into Reebok sneakers. She wil carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag
    from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five
    minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under her desk.
    A man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day.

    Leg warmers:
    Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the
    dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she
    wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme
    the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line".

    Cats:
    Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men
    kick cats.

    Mirrors:
    Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are
    ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny
    surface--mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.

    Garages:
    Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers. Men use
    garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, and they
    watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.

    Movies:
    For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien
    Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind". For men, it's when Jimmy
    Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face in "Public Enemy".

    Jewelry:
    Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one
    ring, and that's it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge
    singer named Vic.

    Menopause:
    When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated
    emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of
    the changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a
    uniform reaction--he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather
    driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

    The Telephone:
    Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to
    send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for
    two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they
    will talk for three hours.

    Low Blows:
    Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television. One
    of the fighters is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee, that must
    hurt." The man doubles over and actually feels pain.

    Directions:
    If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings,
    she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to
    be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will
    drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like
    I've found a new way to get there", and, "I know I'm in the neighborhood. I
    recognize that White Hen store".

    Admitting Mistakes:
    Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted that
    he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.

    Richard Gere:
    Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate
    Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the
    health club and dates only married women.

    Offspring:
    Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
    appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite
    foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some
    short people living in the house.

    Dressing up:
    A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage
    answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for:
    weddings, funerals.

    Nudity in Movies:
    Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is
    because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man.
    The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere.
    This is another reason why men hate him.

    David Letterman:
    Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth.
    Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

    Cameras:
    Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4,000 for
    state-of-the-art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography
    classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up
    taking better pictures.

    Politics:
    Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things
    such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys is
    growing up and getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign
    for them and cry on election night.

    Locker Rooms:
    In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and
    women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well
    as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk
    about one thing in the locker room--sex. And not in abstract terms, either.
    They are extremely graphic and technical, and THEY NEVER LIE.

    Laundry:
    Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of
    clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight
    years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of
    clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take
    his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet
    beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth.

    Weddings:
    When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk
    about "the bachelor party".

    Cheerleaders:
    Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American. Male
    cheerleaders are scary.

    Socks:
    Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear
    strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of clouds
    on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

    Toys:
    Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of 11 or
    12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession wih toys. As
    they older, their toys simply become more expensive and impractical.
    Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's, car phones, complicated
    juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails
    on command, video games, anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least
    six "D" batteries to operate.

    Plants:
    A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man
    waters the plants. The woman comes home five days later, to an apartment
    full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

    Mustaches:
    Some men look good with mustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt
    Reynolds. There are no women who look good with mustaches.

    Nicknames:
    With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names like
    "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk", women eschew the use of nicknames. If
    Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will
    call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave,
    Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each
    other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    [Editor's Note: This was posted to the Giggles mailing list. Reprinted here
    with permission of the author, whose e-mail address is below.]

    Newsgroups: bit.listserv.giggles
    From: JmJ (xalexa@LOA.COM)

    I submitted this in an "under 10 minute" essay contest- the topic of the
    contest being "Nakedness":

    He said that I would look more attractive if I were shaved. He said I would
    love the nakedness of it all. He said it was stylish. He said I would feel
    cleaner. He said it wouldn't hurt. He said he had been thinking about this
    for a long time. He said he would do it himself.

    He said he would be careful. He said he would go slow. He said was ready to
    begin. He said to lay down. He said that he would help me relax. He said he
    loved me. He said he felt like an artist. He said he was done. He said he
    adored the way it looked. He said he was pleased with his work. He said he
    wanted to show me off. He said he needed to take me out like this. He said
    that he wanted people to see me like this. He said we would have a most
    exciting day. He said he would be right back. He said he had to get his
    shoes on.

    I said... Well I didn't say anything. Poodles don't talk.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    In 1966, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo moon mission took the
    astronauts near Tuba City where the terrain of the Navajo Reservation looks
    very much like the Lunar surface. Along with all the trucks and large
    vehicles, there were two large figures dressed in full Lunar spacesuits.

    Nearby a Navajo sheep herder and his son were watching the strange
    creatures walk about, occasionally being tended by personnel. The two
    Navajo people were noticed and approached by the NASA personnel. Since the
    man did not know English, his son asked for him what the strange creatures
    were and the NASA people told them that they are just men that are getting
    ready to go to the moon. The man became very excited and asked if he could
    send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

    The NASA personnel thought this was a great idea so they rustled up a tape
    recorder. After the man gave them his message, they asked his son to
    translate. His son would not.

    Later, they tried a few more people on the reservation to translate and
    every person they asked would chuckle and then refuse to translate.
    Finally, with cash in hand, someone translated the message, "Watch out for
    these guys, they come to take your land."
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations,
    10-10-95:

    #1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

    #2: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a
    collision.

    #1: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

    #2: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

    #1. THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE
    US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!

    #2. This is a lighthouse. Your call.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    I shot a query into the net.
    I haven't got an answer yet,
    But seven people gave me hell
    And said I ought to learn to spell;

    A posted message called me rotten
    For ignoring mail I'd never gotten;
    An angry message asked me, Please
    Don't send such drivel overseas;

    A lawyer sent me private mail
    And swore he'd slap my ass in jail --
    I'd mentioned Un*x in my gem
    And failed to add the T and M;

    One netter thought it was a hoax:
    "Hereafter, post to net dot jokes!";
    Another called my grammar vile
    And criticized my writing style.

    Each day I scan each Subject line
    In hopes the topic will be mine;
    I shot a query into the net.
    I haven't got an answer yet ...
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    You know you've been on the 'net too long, when:

    1. Your System Administrator complains that your kill file(s) has maxed out
    the file system, and is there any way to archive it?

    2. You still haven't changed all those .arpa addresses in your address book
    of old friends.

    3. Your news feed is from Australia because they are the only ones who
    still provide net-news via dial-up uucp.

    4. You are still planning a transition to NCP on 64K leased-line because
    you're not sure this TCP thing will last.

    5. You spend 100 hours porting NNTP to your Sun 100U. Who's bright idea was
    it to change the function definition syntax in C, anyway?

    6. Your old e-mail buddys' children send you more e-mail then your old
    e-mail buddys.

    7. You finally switch to pine, but it invokes ed, not pico.

    8. Your postings consist entirely of abbreviations.

    9. You've mastered every form of Internet Rhetoric:

    a. You disagree with me and you said so, so you're trying to
    censor me, therefore you are a Nazi.

    b. I am standing up for a right and you disagree with me, so you
    are anti-rights, and therefore a Nazi.

    c. I am an agreeable person and you are disagreeing with me, so
    you are a disagreeable person with the personality of Hitler and
    therefore a Nazi.

    10. You feel that the Golden age of the net ended with one of:

    a. Introduction of the .com domain or CIX
    b. Introduction of CsNet
    c. Dismantlement of CsNet
    d. Windows-based news readers & SMTP
    e. moscvax

    (and maybe I should add 11. You understand all of the above 10!)
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Craig Shergold is a 10 year old boy who is dying of cancer. Before he dies,
    he would like to set the world record for receiving the most Neiman-Marcus
    Cookie Recipes. You can help Craig by sending an irate fax to LEXIS-NEXIS
    demanding that they remove all traces of your mother's maiden name from
    their executive washroom wall. They will respond by sending e-mail labeled
    "goodtimes" to the computer controlling Craig's life support equipment.
    When Felippe Linz, the technician operating the computer opens this mail,
    his hard drive will be overwritten with thousands of credit card invoices
    for $250.00, erasing the last bit of evidence that Hilary was seen on the
    grassy knoll when JFK was shot, thus allowing world domination by Bill
    Gates, and his tri-lateral commission cronies who are eating fried peanut
    butter and banana sandwiches in the black helicopters with Elvis.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    The following are some of the winners in a New York magazine contest, in
    which the rules were: take ANY well-known phrase in ANY foreign language,
    change JUST ONE SINGLE LETTER, and then provide a definition for the new
    expression.

    HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS? - Can you drive a French motorcycle?

    EX POST FUCTO - Lost in the mail

    IDIOS AMIGOS - We're wild and crazy guys

    VENI, VIPI, VICI - I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered

    COGITO, EGGO SUM - I think, therefore I waffle

    RIGOR MORRIS - The cat is dead

    RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID - Honk if you're Scottish

    QUE SERA SERF - Life is feudal

    LE ROI EST MORT, JIVE LE ROI - The king is dead. No kidding

    POSH MORTEM - Death styles of the rich and famous

    PRO BOZO PUBLICO - Support your local clown

    MONAGE A TROIS - I am three years old

    FELIX NAVIDAD - Our cat has a boat

    HASTE CUISINE - Fast French food

    VENI, VIDI, VICE - I came, I saw, I partied

    QUIP PRO QUO - A fast retort

    ALOHA OY - Love; greetings, farewell; from such a pain you should never
    know

    MAZEL TON - Tons of good luck

    APRES MOE LE DELUGE - Curly and Larry got wet

    PORT-KOCHERE - Sacramental wine

    ICH LIEBE RICH - I'm really crazy about having dough

    FUI GENERIS - What's mine is mine

    VISA LA FRANCE - Don't leave your chateau without it

    CA VA SANS DIRT - And that's not gossip

    MERCI RIEN - Thanks for nothin'

    AMICUS PURIAE - Platonic friend
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    Olympic volleyball fan and New Mexico resident Wade Miller recently tried
    to order Olympic tickets by phone, but found out operators for the '96
    Games were "geographically impaired," according to the ATLANTA
    CONSTITUTION. After telling the operator he was from New Mexico, Miller was
    put on hold. The operator then came back and said she couldn't sell tickets
    to someone who lives outside the country. Miller spent half an hour trying
    to convince the agent that New Mexico is a state. She then transferred him
    to her supervisor who responded, "Sir, New Mexico, old Mexico, it doesn't
    matter. I understand it's a territory, but you still have to go through
    your nation's Olympic committee." ACOG officials said the incident was a
    one-time occurrence.
    (Lyle Harris, ATLANTA CONSTITUTION, 2/2)

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    In response to the above, which was posted to the GIGGLES list
    (giggles@listserv.vt.edu), David Lundquist (dlundq@IAG.NET) wrote:

    I had to smile at the man from New Mexico's problems trying to buy Olympic
    volleyball tickets. The following REALLY happened to me.

    Four years ago, I was applying for my marriage license in Orlando, Florida.
    When the clerk of the court was reviewing my application, she asked if I
    was a naturalized citizen. I asked her what she meant and she replied, "I
    see that you were born in New Mexico." At least in this case, her
    supervisor knew enough to correct her.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    From: julie@drycas.club.cc.cmu.edu (Julie Waters)

    Timing Is Everything

    8 Dec. 1995

    Republican House Leader Dick Armey wore his usual smirk when he went on
    "Nightline" last Wednesday to try to defend his pal Newt. But the Texas
    Congressman quickly lost his smug expression under questioning from ABC's
    Forrest Sawyer:

    Forrest Sawyer: "Mr. Armey, let's have a look at what the role of the
    special counsel ought to be. One congressman has written to the House
    Ethics Committee saying that restrictions on the counsel would be perceived
    -- and I quote -- 'as an attempt by the Ethics Committee to control the
    scope and direction of the investigation' and that -- quote -- 'in order to
    conduct a thorough and credible investigation, a special counsel needs
    complete subpoena power.' Do you agree with that?"

    Armey (smirking): "First of all, I'd like to know which one congressman
    that was. It sounds like another one of David [Bonior]'s cronies. But the
    fact of the matter is --"

    Sawyer: "Well, actually that was Congressman Gingrich in 1988 writing to
    the House Ethics Committee."

    Armey (no smirk): "Well, that was a whole different case and a whole
    different time..."

    [Nightline, ABC, 12/6/95]
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    From: trey@brs.com (Trey Jones)
    Subject:Newtons' Lightbulbs
    Date: Thu, 4 Jan 96 19:30:07 EST

    This popped up on comp.sys.newton.misc (source lost..):

    How many Newton users does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    [Editor's Note: Most of this describes my family -- both sides -- so well
    that it's scary. I don't know who wrote this, but having lived all my life
    in NJ, I can vouch for its accuracy. We're not ALL like that, though!
    Really!]

    NAME:__________________________
    NICKNAME:_____________________

    ADDRESS: ______________________
    EXIT #: ______________________

    ETHNIC BACKGROUND:

    _______Italian
    _______Sicilian
    ________Jewish

    BACKYARD SMELLS LIKE:

    a)Sewage
    b)Sulfur
    c)Garbage
    d)All of the above

    TOTAL # OF MUSCLE SHIRTS:

    a)5 - 10
    b)10 - 15
    c)15 - 20
    d)20 and above

    # OF BON JOVI TOUR SHIRTS:

    a)5 - 10
    b)10 - 15
    c)15 - 20
    d)20 and above

    # OF BON JOVI TOUR SHIRTS THAT ARE ALSO MUSCLE SHIRTS:

    a)5 - 10
    b)10 - 15
    c)15 - 20
    d)20 and above

    BRAND OF JEANS PREFERRED:

    a)Sergio Valente
    b)Jordache
    c)Sassoon
    d)Z. Cavaricci

    PERCENTAGE OF WARDROBE WHICH IS LEATHER:

    a)100%
    b)95-100%
    c)90-95%
    d)85-90%

    TOTAL # OF GOLD CHAINS OWNED:

    a)10 - 15
    b)15 - 20
    c)20 - 25
    d)25 and above

    # OF GOLD CHAINS WORN AT ONE TIME:

    a)5 - 10
    b)10 - 15
    c)15 - 20
    d)20 and above

    APPROXIMATE VALUE OF ALL THIS JEWELRY:

    a)$5 - $10
    b)$10 - $15
    c)$15 - $20
    d)Stolen

    NUMBER OF APPLICATIONS OF OBSESSION/POLO/DRAKKAR TO ACHIEVE DESIRED EFFECT:

    a)10 - 15
    b)15 - 25
    c)25 and above

    GOLD CAP ON AT LEAST ONE TOOTH?

    YES NO

    HAIR HEIGHT:

    a)6 - 8 Inches
    b)8 - 12 Inches
    c)1 - 2 feet
    d)More than 2 feet

    HAIR PRODUCTS USED AT ANY GIVEN TIME:

    a) Hair Spray
    b) Styling Gel
    c) Mousse
    d) Extra Hold Styling Gel
    e) Bondo
    f) Spackle
    g) 40 Weight Oil
    h) Crazy Glue

    AUTOMOBILE OWNED:

    a) IROC Z
    b) Firebird
    c) Camaro
    d) Mustang
    f) Chevette (You got a f#%*ing problem with it?)

    NUMBER OF INCHES CAR IS OFF THE GROUND:

    a)6 - 8 Inches
    b)4 -6 Inches
    c)2 - 4 Inches
    d)Under 2 Inches

    CHARACTERISTICS OF AUTOMOBILE:

    a) Gold chain around license plate
    b) Neon lights around license plate
    c) Neon lights under car
    d) Chippendales/Playboy air freshener hanging from rear view
    mirror
    e) Garter hanging from rear view mirror
    f) Chrome hubcaps
    g) Stick-on window tinting
    h) Stick-on paint splash stickers
    i) Fuzzy dice

    FAVORITE SPORTS TEAM:

    a) F#%*ing Giants
    b) F#%*ing Jets
    c) F#%*ing Mets
    d) F#%*ing Yankees
    e) F#%*ing Nets
    f) F#%*ing Knicks
    g) F#%*ing Devils
    h) F#%*ing Rangers
    i) F#%*ing Islanders

    FAVORITE MUSIC:

    a) Techno
    b) Rap
    c) Bon Jovi
    d) Bruce Springsteen

    ESSAY QUESTION:

    In 100 words or less, define the term "Yoos Guys".
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    From an ex-field sales/support survivor:

    I used to work in a computer store and one day we had a gentleman call in
    with a smoking power supply. The service representative was having a bit of
    trouble convincing this guy that he had a hardware problem.

    Service Rep: Sir, something has burned within your power supply.

    Customer: I bet that there is some command that I can put into the
    AUTOEXEC.BAT file that will take care of this.

    Service Rep: There is nothing that software can do to help you with this
    problem.

    Customer: I know that there is something I can put in... some command...
    maybe it should go into the CONFIG.SYS.

    [After a few minutes of going round and round]

    Service Rep: Okay, I am not supposed to tell anyone this but there is a
    hidden command in some versions of DOS that you can use. I want you to edit
    your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add the last line as C:\DOS\NOSMOKE and reboot your
    computer.

    [Customer does this]

    Customer: It is still smoking.

    Service Rep: I guess you'll need to call Microsoft and ask them for a patch
    for the NOSMOKE.EXE.

    [The customer then hung up. We thought that we had heard the last of this
    guy. But NO; he calls back four hours later!]

    Service Rep: Hello, Sir, how is your computer?

    Customer: I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply is
    incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need to get a new one. I was
    wondering when I can have that done and how much it will cost....
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------



    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Transfer interrupted!

    Comments

    LEESVILLE, La. (AP) - "My son is under the doctor's care and should not
    take P.E. today," one parent wrote. "Please execute him."

    That death sentence was inadvertently recommended in a note which a parent
    who was in a hurry or possessed of an uncertain vocabulary wrote to excuse
    a child's absence from school in Vernon Parish.

    Duplicated copies of some of the parish's more astonishing excuse notes
    were given out at a School Board meeting this month.

    "Some of them were obviously made up by students," Richard Carter,
    assistant principal of Leesville High School, said Wednesday. But most, he
    said, were probably legitimate excuses written by parents in the rural
    northwest Louisiana parish.

    In these samples, names were replaced with either Fred or Mary to protect
    innocent and guilty alike.

    One parent appeared to have taken drastic action: "Please excuse Mary for
    being absent. She was sick and I had her shot."

    Another had a more comprehensive request: "Please excuse Fred for being. It
    was his father's fault."

    "Please ackuse Fred being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and 33," wrote
    a parent who lives by an unusual calendar.

    "Mary was absent from school yesterday as she was having a gangover," wrote
    one who apparently expected the school to be tolerant of social follies.

    "Mary could not come to school today because she was bother by very close
    veins," wrote one parent.

    "Fred has an acre in his side," said another.

    And in an extreme case of people losing things, "Please excuse Fred from
    P.E. for a few days. He fell yesterday out of a tree and misplaced his
    hip."

    In a confusion of office work and medical terms, one parent wrote: "Please
    excuse Mary from Jim yesterday. She is administrating."

    And several had a racier tone:

    "Please excuse Fred for being absent. He had a cold and could not breed
    well."

    "Please excuse Mary. She has been sick and under the doctor."

    "Please excuse Mary from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with
    gramps."
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    NOTICE:

    To make things easier for all of us, please notice this Important Notice
    About Notices. You may have noticed the increased number of notices for you
    to notice. We notice that some of our notices have been noticed. On the
    other hand, some of our notices have not been noticed. This is very
    noticeable. It is noticed that the responses to the notices have been
    noticeably unnoticeable. This notice is to remind you to notice the notices
    and respond to the Notices because we do not want the noticed to go
    unnoticed.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------




    Comments

    101 Ways to be Obnoxious on Usenet

    by Alan Meiss, ameiss@indiana.edu

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Note to the profoundly impaired: this list is intended as humor, and
    consists mostly of things that you should NOT do. NOT NOT NOT do. Once
    more, slowly, d-o-n-'-t d-o t-h-e-s-e t-h-i-n-g-s. If you do, you're a bad,
    naughty person. Bad person! Naughty! Naughty,