You Might Be A Liberal If

" What is a liberal? In election years, they're particularly hard
to find. Even the president and first lady-who do the PC tango to the
tune of "Blowin' in the Wind"-shun the la
Last week, Hillary guru and retro-New Leftist Michael Lerner held
a Summit on Ethics and Meaning in D.C. Among other exotic proposals,
the 1,300 delegates endorsed forcing businesses to give parents a year
of paid leave and replacing college SATs with "empathy traini
Weird though they are, these people at least know what they are.
Many of the afflicted are ignorant of their condition. For these
unfortunates, we offer a handy guide to political self-identificat

You know you're a liberal if:

You think sexual harassment is rampant, date rape pervasive,
domestic violence common and Paula Jones is lying.

You hate Hillary jokes.

You pale at the execution of child killers, but defend the
killing of unborn children as an expression of choice.

You think trees have feelings, animals can conceptualize and
the fetus is a blob of protoplasm.

You are convinced that Frank Capra films and Norman Rockwell
paintings are lies and distortions but "Platoon,"
"Dances with Wolves," and "Thelma and Louise" are real

You thought Walt Disney was saccharine sweet and terminally
cutesy-pie - until it made "Pocahontas."

You think a moment of silent prayer at the beginning of the
school day constitutes government indoctrination and an
intrusion on parental authority, while sex education, condom
distribution and multiculturalism are values

You agonize over threats to the natural environment (acid
rain, toxic waste) but are oblivious to threats to the social
environment (pornography, promiscuity, and family diss

You want to legalize cocaine and outlaw handguns.

You think cops are pigs and criminals are products of their
environment.

You believe the National Rifle Association helps criminals while
the American Civil Liberties Union protects the innocent.

You think Rush Limbaugh is responsible for the Oklahoma City
bombing but are outraged by suggestions that Ted Kaczynski (the
suspected Unabomber) and Al Gore have anything in common

Jesse Jackson makes sense to you. Barbra Streisand makes even more
sense.

You think Herblock cartoons are funny and Janet Reno is totally hot.

You believe corporate profits are obscene but government spending
is too low and the American people are undertaxed.

You think deficits are caused by tax loopholes.

You think marriage is obsolete - except for homosexuals.

You believe homosexuality is genetically determined, but fascism
and spouse abuse aren't.

You think AIDS is spread by insufficient funding.

You considers the Catholic bishops noble and idealistic when they
oppose capital punishment and welfare cuts but dangerous fanatics
trying to legislate their theology when they defend the right

You are convinced that proponents of welfare reform hate the poor
and opponents of affirmative action hate minorities, but AIDS
activists who bash the Pope and People for the American Way types
who go psycho over Protestant "fundamentalists" are guardians
angels

You attribute every minority problem to entrenched, institutional
racism and the legacies of slavery and segregation.

You think the black middle class is a myth created by Newt Gingrich.

You view race riots as justifiable expressions of rage over
injustice and fail to see the similarities between a black mob
burning a Korean store and a white mob in the Jim Crow era lynching
a black man

You don't understand all of the whining about affirmative action and
are more than willing to sacrifice someone else's employment or
education opportunity to assuage your conscience

You marched against American involvement in Vietnam, thought the
Gulf war was unnecessary but believe 25,000 U.S. troops in Bosnia
are vital to our national interests

You see no correlation between welfare and the rise of illegitimacy,
judicial leniency and surging crime rates, or addiction and an
entertainment industry that glorifies drug abuse. But you
believe Richard Nixon is responsible for everything horrible
that's happened in the past quarter

You think those child-abusing, religious fanatics at Waco had it
coming but the illegal immigrants roughed up by California
deputies - after leading them on a high-speed chase - are the
victims of the system

Lastly, you're a liberal if - you don't get the point of this column."