US Sues G-d For Monopoly Over the Universe
by Ben Oren
Yesterday, in an effort to bring more choice to human beings in their
pursuit of spirituality and everythingness, the United States Department
of Justice and the Free-Trade Commission took the first step to curb
G-d's monopoly on the universe by enforcing America's anti-trust laws
and taking Yahweh all the way to the Supreme Court.
After receiving several complaints from prospective supreme beings whose
hopes for entering the divine creator industry had been preemptively
aborted by the "Big Man" himself, U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno began
investigations into G-d's business practices and His company, Infinity
Plus One Inc.
According to industry experts, G-d began his company with only
supernatural powers and a dream. He was a child prodigy who mastered
His technical skills in creation at an early age and by the time He was
only 19 He had dropped out of college and gathered up the capital to
begin Infinity Plus One Inc. After two years G-d turned a profit, and
after some 5700 years many corporate insiders would say he had cornered
the industry as well.
Preliminary findings by the government have unearthed shady business
dealings by G-d to quell any potential competition from others. James
Milton experienced the wrath of Infinity Plus One last year when he made
his own attempt to jump into the burgeoning god market. However, what
he found soon pushed him back into his old profession -- Assistant
Bowling Shoe Attendant at Lots-O-Bowl in Piscattaway, NY. "When I heard
about the money a guy could make in starting a god business I was like,
'I need to try this.'"
However, soon afterwards Mr. Milton experienced some of G-d's hardball
tactics. At first he just received a few subtle messages, like the time
he saw a burning bush in his backyard, or the time Lot's wife turned to
salt. But when he did not heed these warnings, G-d became a bit more
aggressive in his attempt to prevent Milton's "Gods-R-Me" Industries from
coming into existence.
"One day I was eating lunch," says Milton, "going over some plans with
my consultants, when all of a sudden boils popped up all over our
bodies. I thought nothing of it, until I returned home and my first
born son was dead. That's when I decided that it was in my best
interest not to screw around with G-d."
Similarly unethical, and potentially unlawful, business practices by
Infinity Plus One Inc. have sprung up since the initial suit was filed.
Coming out of the Supreme Court, G-d was reticent and forwarded all
questions to his dream team of lawyers, which is headed by Johnnie
Cochran. In a press conference following the first day of testimony,
Cochran declared, "The United States Government has nothing on my
client. G-d is a good and benevolent man. He is a man who made the
universe in six days and can end it in a nanosecond. That's not a
threat. That's just the facts. So if you don't want to burn in
hell-fire, this case must expire!"
Rounding out G-d's legal advisory committee are Moses, King Solomon,
Jesus of Nazareth, Mohammed, and William Jennings Bryan.
Reno retorted, "Just because this man is above time does not mean he is
above the law. We believe we do have a case against Mr. Yahweh and we
shall pursue it with the utmost care, well within both our rights as the
government and His rights as G-d."
The Department of Justice believes it has a solid case against Jehovah
citing the past legal ruling of New Jersey v. Zarathustra (1974) in
which the state of New Jersey sued Satan and his company, Disney Inc.,
for their monopoly of Hell.
Yesterday's testimony came to a standstill in a bizarre turn of events
when God refused to swear on the bible and instead chose to swear on
himself. When U.S. attorney Tom McDamd objected, a lighting bolt
suddenly hit him in the face, causing Chief Justice William Rehnquist to
dismiss the session until the following day.