A Look Ahead: Some Predictions for 1999
by Joe Lavin
In the House of Representatives, impeachment proceedings begin
against Vice President Al Gore. The fact that Gore is not actually
President and that the House Judiciary Committee hasn't yet come up
with a crime to charge him with is viewed as only a minor technicality.
"These are very grave offenses that Mr. Gore has committed *whatever
they may be* and it is very important that we investigate them as soon
as possible." Republican Speaker of the House and third-in-line to the
Presidency, Denny "Who the hell is he" Hastert says.
"Plus, this way, if Clinton is thrown out of office, we'll be ready
to impeach Gore right away." He adds.
The Senate ends the impeachment trial and allows Clinton to
remain in office. At the same time, British and American troops
attack Iraq. "Oops, sorry, we were thinking we'd better attack
Iraq again just in case we got bad news from the Senate, and
then when we got the good news we forgot to cancel the attack.
Sorry. My bad." President Clinton tells the American people in a
"Film Only Showing in New York and Los Angeles" wins seven
Oscars including Best Picture. This touching six hour story about
a small boy searching for his pet dog Sparky wins in every
category in which it was nominated, despite being screened at
only two theaters. Few are surprised at the outcome, as "Film
Only Showing in New York and Los Angeles" is a hit with
almost all critics. "Two thumbs up." Siskel and Ebert exclaim.
"We loved it even though we're in Chicago and couldn't see it."
Meanwhile, Jerry Springer wins Best Actor for his role in
"Ringmaster." "I am so happy. This is a vindication of all my life's
work." Springer says in the acceptance speech he gives from the
location of his new film, "When Hell Freezes Over."
In a surprise ruling, the Justice Department loses its anti-trust
case against Microsoft. U.S. District Judge Thomas Penfield
Jackson rules that Microsoft must be commended for at least
trying to allow competition by making products that just about
everyone hates. "This is a great day for the entire Microsoft
family." Microsoft founder Bill Gates says in a statement after the
ruling. "Rest assured, we will continue to make inferior products
for several years to come."
Saddam Hussein finally surrenders after a surprise British and
American attack. "Since when does Clinton attack when he's not
in the middle of a scandal?" Iraqi U.N. envoy Nizar Hamdoon
asks. "Until now, we always knew when to expect an invasion,
but if he's going to attack any time instead of just during
Presidential crises, how can we possibly prepare for the
attacks? We have no choice but to surrender."
In its first day of trading, Cyber Online Industries finishes up an
astounding 967% to close at 453 1/8. The company, formed
only a day earlier, breaks all trading records, despite never
having recorded a profit. "The Internet is a growth industry, and
Cyber Online will be a leader in that industry for years to come.
It's a must buy." C. Arthur Jones, Financial Analyst for Merrill
And exactly what does Cyber Online do? "Beats me. Do I look
like some sorta computer geek?" Mr. Jones further explains.
"Nevertheless, the Internet is a growth industry, and Cyber
Online will be a leader in that industry for years to come. It's a
Morale in the NBA is at an all time low as the NBA lockout
enters its second year. "This is my livelihood. If I don't start
making money soon, how will I pay off the mortgage on my fifth
mansion?" One depressed player asks. Still, he admits that there
has been a bright side to the lockout. "At least this year I've
been able to spend some of my free time with all my illegitimate
children whose child support I don't pay. That's really made it
Meanwhile, the Miami Heat pay their new janitor Rusty Miller
$37.4 million over three years. "Well, heck, I'm just so used to
giving out big contracts that I couldn't stop myself." Miami Heat
President Pat Riley admits.
Princess Diana is still dead. All major television networks
interrupt their lowest rated programming in order to cover this
breaking news story.
Another sex scandal breaks out in Washington when President
Clinton is discovered having an affair with a porn star. Despite
the new scandal, Clinton's approval levels hit an all time high.
Meanwhile, the religious right is shocked when accusations
surface that Speaker of the House Hastert once thought about
renting a pornographic video. In the face of such accusations,
Hastert has no choice but to resign, "Even though I never lied
under oath about this, I must set the proper example by resigning
my office." Hastert says in a speech before the House. Clinton's
approval ratings go higher.
Amidst several loud screams and the occasional suicide from the
electorate, the 2000 Presidential campaign begins in earnest.
Nobody in the country is quite sure who is running because they
are all too afraid to turn on the news.
Several prominent lawyers sue the U.S. Government after
officials announce that the Year 2000 problem may not be as
bad as previously thought. "Damnit! I was planning to make all
sorts of money off Y2K lawsuits. It's not fair of them to solve
everything. Now how will I make a living? God forbid I might be
forced to do something useful." One angry lawyer complains.
The good news is that the new millennium arrives without the
world coming to an end. However, something even worse
happens instead. Monica Lewinsky gets her very own talk show