You Might Be a Conservative
by Chris Gladish
You might be a conservative if:
* You watch the Rush Limbaugh show the same way your kid watches "Barney
* You believe an adulterer who served his wife divorce papers while she
was in the hospital and later had to be taken to court for lack of child
support payments named Newt when he talks about how he's for "Family
* You complain about the "liberal media" on any of the numerous
conservative political TV/radio talk shows.
* You have a bumper sticker that says "Insured by Smith and Wessen"
* You believe the hole in the ozone layer to be a myth created by crazy
* You believe the Holocaust to be a myth created by crazy liberals.
* You fervently speak about the evils of marijuana at social gatherings
with a vodka straight in hand.
* You believe the Constitution states the Christianity is our official
* You molest campaign workers, then lie about it on national television...
oops, my mistake... that's "You might be Newt Gingrinch if.."
* You think the words feminist and lesbian are synonyms.
* If you fit any of Jeff Foxworthy's "You might be a redneck if..."
* You believe every man, woman, child and fetus should be armed to the
teeth with AK-47's, hand grenades, handguns, and any other weapon
* You actually believe that people actually own AK-47's for "hunting
* You have faith in idiotic economic policies such as "trickle down
* You don't see why everyone's so down on Mark Fuhrman.
* You think that Michaelangelo's David should be wearing boxers at the
* The hostess at the Sizzler knows you by name.
* You have a button that says "I'm not prejudice, I hate everyone"
* You can ask your daddy to bail you out when you lose hundreds of
thousands of dollars from embezzling S&L's
* Your main source for news is an egocentric man named Rush who distorts
facts consistantly to fit his views and opinions.
* You want to find another out-of-work actor to play the figurehead for
the Republican party (perhaps Bonzo's free)
* Your response to anything Bill Clinton says includes a reference to
* You still attempt to defend Dan Quayle's intelligence.
* You get offended if someone is unusually quiet on the way to a funeral...
oops, sorry, my fault again... thats another "You might be Newt
* You refuse to talk to your sister because she's a lesbian... dangit,
sorry...once again, another "You might be Newt..."
* You obsessively impose your own morality upon others.
* You wish to ammend the Constitution to make desecration of the flag
* You wish to rewrite the first ammendment to make desecration of the
* You wish to rewrite the first commandment to make desecration of the
flag illegal (and here, you thought you were such a good Christian...)
* You believe that if parents and teachers don't mention sex to a child
until s/he is 25, then s/he won't even know it exists until then.
* You think Clarence Thomas is a good spokesman for the black community.
* You must first don rubber gloves before shaking hands with a homosexual.
* You attribute the lack of close families to Murphy Brown.
* You helped to ban Beavis from saying "fire", yet keep a loaded handgun
in the house (doesn't matter if it's hidden.. your kid knows where it
is, trust me.)
* You have a sticker saying "Guns don't kill people, people do" (and I
suppose those little bullet things are harmless too)
* You believe that everyone else should hold the same moralistic and
political views as you, and by God, you're going to see to it that they
* You believed anything on the previous "You might be a liberal if..." list.