Notice of Revocation of Independence
8 November 2000 (Please note the format in which this date is written. You shall be expected to emulate it in the future.)
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties
over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah,
which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony
Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that
there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next
year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation
guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been
pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty
seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you
know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
Look up "interspersed".
There is no such thing as "US English". We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf.
You should learn to distinguish the English and
Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
the good guys.
You should relearn your original national anthem, "God
Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would
not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
You should stop playing American "football". There is
only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football"
is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there
is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else
plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it,
and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best
if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you
brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar
to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest
every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby
sevens side by 2005.
You should declare war on Quebec and France, using
nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who
were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should
count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys.
"Merde" is French for "shit".
July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th
will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be
called "Indecisive Day".
All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and
it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will
understand what we mean.
Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us
Thank you for your cooperation.