"I had to get up a little earlier than I planned this morning. You can bet your big Texas ass that the next time we do this inauguration thing I'll be scheduling it for about 4 in the afternoon.
"To my predecessor, President Clinton, all I can say is, you're a dog. A big ass horned dog. I've signed an Executive Order this morning which will fumigate the cigar smoke smell from the Oval Office and get those spots out of the carpet.
"To Senator Clinton, while you're on Capitol Hill screwing the American public, your husband's going to do the same. One lady at a time. State by state. All 52 of 'em.
"To my dad, President Bush, I've signed another Executive Order changing your name to 'Chester Finklebine.' It's going to be hard enough being the president of these 37 states without getting confused over which one of us I am.
"President Carter, don't you have a Humanity Habitat to build or something? Some peanuts to harvest? A third-world election to monitor or something? President Ford to trip down the stairs or something?
"Oh, I've got the cutest joke about President Reagan, who can't be here today, of course. It seems that Nancy got a call from the doctor who told her that Ronnie had either AIDS or Alzheimer's, but he couldn't remember which one. His advice was, 'If he finds his way home, don't fuck him.'
"Vice President Cheney will be handling all of the really hard work of the US Government, including writing down anyone's name who didn't laugh at my Reagan joke.
"Vice President Gore: Nyah Nyah Na Na Nyah! [note to self, do a little 'hamster dance' to gloat.]
"That's it. I've got some brush to clear on my ranch, and take a big-ass nap, so I'm taking off for a vacation right after this speech, and I'm leaving Dick in charge. Any of you in the 57 states who have a question, call Dick. Just don't forget who's really in charge."