Starr Opens Drive to Get Thomas Jefferson Off Mount Rushmore
by Jonathan Dobrer
Rumors have circulated around Washington DC for centuries that the late
President Thomas Jefferson had had an inappropriate sexual relationship
with Sally Hemings. Recent DNA tests seem to have proven these shocking
allegations to be true. However a dissenting opinion was put forth by
Barry Sheck and Johnnie Cochran who held that the DNA tests were corrupted
by the failure of 19th century morticians to take proper measures to
protect Jefferson's body form cross contamination by other corpses. They
are currently petitioning the court for permission to exhume every dead
male who lived within 100 miles of Jefferson's Monticello estate in order
to find the "real" father. President Clinton had no comment other than
denying that he'd ever been alone with Ms. Hemings.
Independent Council Kenneth Starr has requested that Janet Reno broaden his
mandate in order to determine whether Jefferson's alleged misconduct
warrants removing his image from Mount Rushmore. "This is not about Sex,"
Mr. Starr said, responding testily to questions about his seeming
obsession. "This is about the law. It is very clear that according legal
statutes in 19th century Virginia, sex between the races was a crime, and
Ms. Hemings was, according to undisputed historic record, colored."
Mr. Starr went on to defend his investigation by asserting that even if one
were willing to overlook the laws against miscegenation, which Jefferson
must have broken in order to have fathered a child with Ms. Hemings there
are current statutes which were also violated. Ms. Hemings was, at the
time that this alleged affair took place, a slave. Therefore she may not
have been fully competent to give informed consent. The fact that there
was a huge power imbalance between the President of the United States and a
black slave woman may subject President Jefferson to charges ranging from
creating a hostile work environment, to sexual harassment, and could
possibly be charged as sexual battery or rape.
Jefferson defenders counter that they may not have technically had sex, if
she was either asleep or drunk. This would have meant that he had sex with
her but not she with him, and therefore they didn't have sex. Starr's
reaction to this sophistry was, "Close but no cigar." Pundits have been
busy parsing the many meanings of this utterance.
Democrats continued to defend Jefferson by holding that this was a matter
of a private relationship and accusing Republicans of literally digging up
an old story. Republicans responded that the real issue wasn't sex but
character. Had Jefferson not written all those articles opposing sex
between the races, this would be less serious. But character does count
and lying to the American people clearly disqualifies Jefferson from being
either a hero or a role model.
When criticized for over-reaching his original mandate, Starr argued that
he should be empowered to investigate any American President with Jefferson
anywhere in his name.
Last seen moving up town to his $6,000 per month apartment, Judge Starr
demanded that Jefferson's visage be immediately sandblasted and
reconfigured as a real hero, Torquemada. He also filed a motion to prevent
reruns of The Jeffersons from being aired. This final act did found
uncharacteristic bi-partisan support