US Army Official Voice Mail Message
Thank you for calling the United States Army. I'm sorry, but all of
our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please
leave a message with your country, name of organization, the region,
the specific crisis, and a number at which we can call you. As soon
as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Korea, China, the Y2K Bug,
marching up and down the streets of Washington, D.C., and compulsory
"Consideration Of Others" training, we will return your call.
Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please
listen to the following numbers:
If your crisis is small, and close to the sea, press 1 for the United
States Marine Corps.
If your concern is distant, with a temperate climate and good hotels,
and can be solved by one or two low risk, high altitude bombing runs,
please press 2 for the United States Air Force. Please note this
service is not available after 1630 hours, or on weekends. Special
consideration will be given to customers requiring satellite or
stealth technology who can provide additional research and
If your inquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a bit
of grey funnel, bunting, flags and a really good marching band,
please write, well in advance, to the United States Navy. Please
note that Tomahawk missile service is extremely limited and will be
provided on A first-come, first-served basis.
If your inquiry is not urgent, please press 3 for the Rapid
Deployment Force. If you are in real hot trouble, please press 4, and
your call will be routed to the United States Army Special Operations
Command. Please note that a compulsory credit check will be required
to ensure you can afford the inherent TDY costs. Also be aware that
USASOC may bill your account at any time and is not required to tell
you why, as it will be classified.
If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at,
paid little, have premature arthritis, put your wife and family in a
condemned hut miles from civilization, are prepared to work your ***
off daily, risking your life, in all weather and terrain, both day
and night, and whilst watching Congress erode your original benefits
package, then please stay on the line. Your call will shortly be
connected to a bitter passed-over Army Recruiter in an old strip mall
down by the Post Office.
Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to contact the
United States Army.