TEN Best Things To Say When Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

    10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

    9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the time
    management course you sent me to."

    8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the tippex. You probably got here
    just in time."

    7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
    envisioning a new paradigm."

    6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

    5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related
    stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

    4. "Blast! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a
    solution to our biggest problem."

    3. "The coffee machine is broken."

    2. "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot."


    1. ".....in Jesus' name. Amen."


    A Zimbabwe politician has been quoted as saying that children should
    study this year's U.S. presidential election closely, because it shows
    that election fraud is not only a third world phenomena. In that spirit,
    consider the recent proceedings from a slightly different perspective:

    1. Imagine that we read of an election occurring anywhere in the
    third world in which the self-declared winner was the son of the former
    prime minister and that former prime minister was himself the former
    head of that nation's secret police (CIA).

    2. Imagine that the self-declared winner lost the popular vote but
    won based on some colonial holdover (Electoral College) from the
    nation's past.

    3. Imagine that the self-declared winner's 'victory' turned on
    disputed votes cast in a province governed by his brother.

    4. Imagine that the poorly drafted ballots of one district, a
    district heavily favoring the self-declared winner's opponent, led
    thousands of voters to vote for the wrong candidate.

    5. Imagine that members of that nation's most despised caste,
    fearing for their lives/livelihoods, turned out in record numbers to
    vote in near-universal opposition to the self-declared winner's

    6. Imagine that hundreds of members of that most-despised caste
    were intercepted on their way to the polls by state police operating
    under the authority of the self-declared winner's brother.

    7. Imagine that six million people voted in the disputed province
    and that the self-declared winner's 'lead' was only 300 votes. Fewer,
    certainly, than the vote counting machines' margin of error.

    8. Imagine that the self-declared winner and his political party
    opposed a more careful by-hand inspection and re-counting of the ballots
    in the disputed province or in its most hotly disputed district.

    9. Imagine that the self-declared winner was himself the governor
    of a major province, which had the worst human rights record of any
    province in his nation and which actually led the nation in executions.

    10. Imagine that a major campaign promise of the self-declared
    winner was to appoint like-minded human rights violators to lifetime
    positions on the high court of that nation.

    Few of us would deem such an election to be representative of anything
    other than the self-declared winner's will-to-power. All of us, I
    imagine, would wearily turn the page thinking that it was another sad
    tale of pitiful pre- or anti-democracy peoples in some strange


    "What," he was asked, "do you think about Western Civilization?"

    "I think," he replied, "it would be a very good idea."

    AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked
    "intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package.
    Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
    Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman
    who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas
    canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them,
    shouting "Please come out and give yourself up".
    3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
    An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced
    him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then
    proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
    A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money
    in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the
    store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police
    showed up and grabbed him.
    5. DID I SAY THAT???
    Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just
    couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in
    the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the
    man shouted, "that's not what I said!"
    A man spoke frantically into the phone, "Her contractions are only two
    minutes apart! "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man
    shouted, "This is her husband!"
    In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a
    Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to
    simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket
    Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour
    east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a
    problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new
    22-ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was
    very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was
    applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted over to a
    nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong.
    A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working order. The
    engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct
    size and pitch. So one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check
    underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the
    boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

    This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic
    thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your
    name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach
    you, and I'll think about returning your call.

    Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG... Er, no
    diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist
    tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of
    secrets you wish to sell.

    (In a bored voice:) Heaven, God speaking...

    Lucifer speaking. Who in hell do you want?

    Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency.
    We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the
    tone, please hang up.

    Sherwood Forest. Which dear do you want?

    Hello, this is the Brown residence. We're in the middle of a
    family fight right now. Leave your name and number at the beep
    and whoever wins will call you right back.

    My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll
    leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as
    we're finished.

    Please leave your name, phone number, the time you called, and
    your favorite color of underwear. We'll get back to you if we
    like the color.

    Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please
    leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it.

    You have reached 843-4734. Please hold while I process your
    call. (Pause.) Our extremely sophisticated computer system
    performed a trace on your number and was able to match it with
    our list of important callers. None of our staff is authorized
    to speak with you except for Fred, who is not here right now.
    Please leave your name phone number and a brief message at the
    tone. Thank you for calling and have a nice day.

    I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel
    stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if
    you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me
    something about myself. Thanks.

    (Thug voice:) Uh, hello, Mike and Brian aren't here right now.
    They've been kidnapped! So at the beep, leave your name, your
    number, your message, and ten thousand dollars in a brown paper

    (Italian Mafia-style voice:) I can't come to the phone right
    now. Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk. I
    think we're going to have to size it a little... (Aside:) HEY
    GUIDO! GET THE CHAINSAW! Anyways, leave your name and a
    message. If I like it, you'll hear from me. If not, you'll
    hear from Guido! (Laughter.)

    Leave a message or I'll send 30,000 volts through your phone.
    I am an electrical engineer. I can do that.

    My time is billed at $125 per hour. Please begin your message
    with your MasterCard or Visa number, card type, and date of
    expiration. I'll get back to you pending credit approval.

    (A busy signal.) -- Steven Wright

    (Recorded directly from AT&T:) We're sorry, but the number you
    dialed is disconnected or no longer in service.

    We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please
    rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

    You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a
    message after the beep.

    Hello. (Pause.) Hello? (Pause.)
    Hello! (Pause.) No, it doesn't look as if I'm in right now.
    Maybe you should leave a message or call me back later.

    You have reached 555-6238. Why?

    An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the
    accident of evolution had created.

    "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he
    said to himself. As he walked alongside the river he heard a rustling
    in the bushes behind him.

    He turned to look.

    A 7-foot grizzly was charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could
    up the path. He looked over his shoulder and the bear was closing in.
    He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He
    looked over his shoulder, and the bear was even closer. His heart
    pumped frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell
    on the ground.

    He rolled over to pick himself up and the bear, right on top of him,
    reached for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike

    At that instant the Atheist cried out "Oh my God! ... "
    Time stopped.
    The bear froze.
    The forest was silent.
    Even the river stopped moving.

    As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You
    deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist,
    and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help
    you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

    The atheist looked directly into the light: "It would be hypocritical
    to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps could you
    make the bear a Christian?"

    "Very well," said the voice.
    The light went out.
    The river ran again.
    And the sounds of the forest resumed.

    The bear dropped his right paw ... brought both paws together ... bowed
    his head: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly

    The story behind the letter below is that there is this nutcase in
    Newport, Vermont named Scott Williams who digs things out of his back
    yard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institution,
    labelling them with scientific names, and insisting that they are
    actual archaeological finds.

    This guy really exists and does this in his spare time! Anyway, here's
    the actual response from the Smithsonian Institution. Bear this in mind
    next time you think you are challenged in your duty to respond to a
    difficult situation in writing.

    Smithsonian Institution
    207 Pennsylvania Avenue
    Washington, DC 20078

    Dear Mr. Williams:

    Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labelled
    "93211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post... Hominid skull."

    We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and
    regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it
    represents conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston
    County two million years ago. Rather, it appears that what you have
    found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety that one of our
    staff, who has small children, believes to be "Malibu Barbie."

    It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the
    analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of
    us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to
    come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that
    there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might
    have tipped you off to its modern origin:

    1. The material is moulded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are
    typically fossilised bone.
    2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic
    centimetres, well below the threshold of even the earliest
    identified proto-hominids.
    3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with
    the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous
    man-eating Plieocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands
    during that time.

    This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses
    you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the
    evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into
    too much detail, let us say that:

    A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has
    chewed on.
    B. Clams don't have teeth.

    It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your
    request to have the specimen carbon-dated. This is partially due to the
    heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to
    carbon-dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic
    record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced
    prior to 1956 AD, and carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly
    inaccurate results.

    Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National
    Science Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning
    your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino.
    Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance
    of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the
    species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like
    it might be Latin.

    However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating
    specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil,
    it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of
    work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that
    our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the
    display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the
    Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will
    happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your
    Newport back yard.

    We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you
    proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the
    Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you
    expand on your theories surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation
    of ferrous ions in a structural matrix that makes the excellent
    juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the
    deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive
    crescent wrench.

    Yours in Science,
    Harvey Rowe
    Chief Curator -Antiquities

    He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who
    went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with
    a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about
    the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a
    pinhole in it. Joseph Romm, Washington

    She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle
    from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
    Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station

    The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball
    wouldn't. Russell Beland, Springfield

    McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with
    vegetable soup. Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring

    From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal
    quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on
    at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. Roy Ashley, Washington

    Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. Chuck Smith,

    Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. Russell
    Beland, Springfield

    Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access
    T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.
    Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills

    Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. Unknown

    He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. Jack Bross, Chevy Chase

    The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in
    hot grease. Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring

    Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this
    guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man." Russell
    Beland, Springfield

    Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy
    field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at
    6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of
    35 mph. Jennifer Hart, Arlington

    The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr
    Pepper can. Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.

    They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled
    Nancy Kerrigan's teeth Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.

    John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never
    met. Russell Beland, Springfield

    The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal
    being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. Barbara Fetherolf,

    His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants
    in a dryer without Cling Free Chuck Smith, Woodbridge

    The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. Unknown

    For all who have ever had any dealings with the banks..... This is an
    actual letter sent to a Bank in the US. The Bank thought it amusing
    enough to publish it in the New York Times.

    Dear Bank Manager,

    I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I
    endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some
    three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque,
    and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I
    refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
    salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight

    You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
    and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the
    inconvenience I caused your bank. My thankfulness springs from the
    manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant
    financial ways.

    You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our
    relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am
    restructuring my affairs in 2000, taking as my model the procedures,
    attitudes and conduct of your very own bank. I can think of no greater
    compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To
    this end, please be advised about the following:

    First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone
    calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the
    impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank
    has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and
    blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and
    hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by
    cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your
    branch, whom you must nominate.

    You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any
    other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an
    Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to
    complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know
    as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no
    alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history
    must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory
    details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
    liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

    In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she
    must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter
    than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button
    presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank
    service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

    Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my
    new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours.
    My Authorised Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will
    have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an
    automated voice. By pressing Buttons on the phone, he/she will be
    guided through an extensive set of menus:

    1. To make an appointment to see me.

    2. To query a missing repayment.

    3. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

    4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there;
    Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the
    call is received.

    5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping;
    Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call
    is received.

    6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
    nature; Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the
    call is received.

    7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.

    8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password
    to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated
    at a later date to the contact.

    9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1
    through 9.

    The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
    automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a
    lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month
    I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie:

    ......."Oh, the banks are made of marble
    With a guard at every door
    And the vaults are filled with silver
    That the miners sweated for"

    After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it
    off by heart.

    On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has
    often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a
    cost - a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me
    repay your kindness by passing some costs back.

    First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I
    will read for a fee of $20/page. Enquiries from your nominated contact
    will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits
    to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the
    dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs
    at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come free), so you would
    be well advised to keep your enquiries brief and to the point.

    Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
    establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

    May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous New Year.

    Your humble client.

    Some new billboards are getting attention in Cleveland. Some people
    reported seeing one or two messages, but the newspaper listed all of
    them. Here's a list of all variations of the "God Speaks" billboards.
    The billboards are a simple black background with white text. No fine
    print or sponsoring organization is included. These are awesome...

    Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game.

    C'mon over and bring the kids.

    What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand?

    We need to talk.

    Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer.

    Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage.

    That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it.

    I love you and you and you and you and...

    Will the road you're on get you to my place?

    Follow me.

    Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding.

    My way is the highway.

    Need directions?

    You think it's hot here?

    Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test.

    Do you have any idea where you're going?

    Don't make me come down there.

    Bill's New House

    While the Gates are moving in from their temporary quarters
    nearby, final construction of their new house is not expected to
    be completed until the end of the year !!
    Bill has a meeting with the contractor....

    Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."

    Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free
    for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"

    Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think
    its a little smaller than we anticipated."

    Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by
    the release date."

    Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."

    Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new,
    larger living room or you can use a Stacker."

    Bill: "Stacker?"

    Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture
    into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the
    entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table...
    etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some
    furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when
    you're done."

    Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light
    fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't
    fit. The threads run the wrong way."

    Contractor: "Oh! Thats easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play.
    You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."

    Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not
    rectangular. How do I fix that?"

    Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."

    Bill: "You're kidding!?"

    Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."

    Bill: " Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have
    guests over someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The
    water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."

    Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is
    failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing
    access from other fixtures."

    Bill: "And how do I fix that?"

    Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the
    house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter
    the house and then you can get back to work."

    Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling

    Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it nobody made you buy it."

    Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"

    Contractor: "Oh, in your next house, which will be ready to
    release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due
    out this year, but we've had some delays..."

    Blondes and Hailstone Damage

    A blonde was driving home after a game, and got caught in a really bad
    hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
    to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he
    decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into
    the exhaust pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

    So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started
    blowing into the exhaust pipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little
    harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came
    home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the
    repairman had instructed her to blow into the exhaust pipe in order to
    get all the dents to pop out.

    Her blonde roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need
    to wind up the windows first!"

    Bumper stickers and Buttons

    1. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
    2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
    3. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
    4. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
    5. Do I look like a freakin' people person?
    6. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
    7. This isn't an office-It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
    8. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
    9. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
    10. I majored in Liberal Arts. Will that be for here or to go?
    11. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
    12. You! Off my planet!
    13. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
    14. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
    15. Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
    16. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
    17. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
    18. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my
    19. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
    21. Meandering to a different drummer.
    22. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
    24. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
    25. And just how may I screw you over today?
    27. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
    28. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
    29. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
    30. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
    32. Allow me to introduce my selves.
    33. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
    34. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
    35. Better living through denial.
    36. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
    37. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
    38. Adult child of alien invaders.
    39. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
    40. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
    42. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
    43. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
    44. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
    45. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen
    asleep yet.
    47. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
    48. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
    49. Back off! You're standing in my aura.
    50. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
    51. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
    52. Adults are just kids who owe money.
    53. I plead contemporary insanity.
    54. Is it time for your medication or mine?
    56. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
    58. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
    59. Earth is full. Go home.
    60. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
    61. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
    62. Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
    63. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
    64. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
    65. Too may freaks, not enough circuses.
    66. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
    68. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

    Auf einer Propaganda-Tournee durch Amerika besucht Prsident George
    Bush eine Schule und erklrt dort den Schler seine Regierungspolitik.
    Danach bittet er die Kinder, Fragen zu stellen. Der kleine Bob ergreift
    das Wort:

    Herr Prsident, ich habe drei Fragen:

    1. Wie haben Sie, obwohl Sie bei der Stimmenauszhlung verloren haben,
    die Wahl trotzdem gewonnen?

    2. Warum wollen Sie den Irak ohne Grund angreifen?

    3. Denken Sie nicht, das die Bombe auf Hiroshima der grte
    terroristische Anschlag aller Zeiten war?

    In diesem Moment lutet die Pausenklingel und alle Schler laufen aus
    dem Klassenzimmer. Als sie von der Pause zurck kommen, ldt Prsident
    Bush erneut ein, Fragen zu stellen, und diesmal ergreift Joey das Wort:
    Herr Prsident, ich habe fnf Fragen:

    1. Wie haben Sie, obwohl Sie bei der Stimmenauszhlung verloren haben,
    die Wahl trotzdem gewonnen?

    2. Warum wollen Sie den Irak ohne Grund angreifen?

    3. Denken Sie nicht, das die Bombe auf Hiroshima der grte
    terroristische Anschlag aller Zeiten war?

    4. Warum hat die Pausenklingel heute 20 Minuten frher geklingelt?

    5. Wo ist Bob???

    George Bush was thrilled at finally being able to sleep in the White House, but
    something very strange happened. One the first night, he was awakened by George
    Washington's ghost.

    Welcoming the opportunity to communicate with the father of our country, Bush
    asked, "President Washington, what is the best thing that I can do for the

    "Set an honest and honourable example, just like I did," Washington said.

    Later that night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appeared in the bedroom and Bush
    asked him the same question.

    "Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," Jefferson said.

    Still later, the ghost of Abraham Lincoln appeared and Bush asked once again,
    "Abe, please tell me, what is the best thing that I can do to help the nation?"

    "Go see a play," replied Lincoln.


    How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to replace a light bulb?
    The answer is SEVEN:

    (1) One to deny that a light bulb needs to be replaced.

    (2) One to attack and question the patriotism of anyone who asks questions about
    the light bulb.

    (3) One to blame the previous administration for the need for a new light bulb.

    (4) One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile
    of light bulbs.

    (5) One to get together with Vice President Cheney and award a million-dollar
    no-bid contract to Halliburton Industries for supplying a light bulb.

    (6) One to arrange a photo-op session showing Dubya changing the light bulb
    while dressed in a flight suit and wrapped in an American flag.

    (7) And finally, one to explain to Dubya the difference between screwing a light
    bulb and screwing the country.

    Be careful what you wear (or don't wear) when working under your
    vehicle... especially in public. From the Morning Herald, Sydney,
    Australia, comes this story of a central west couple who drove their
    car to K-Mart only to have it break down in the carpark. The man told
    his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in
    the park.

    The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On
    closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the
    chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned
    private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the
    embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hands up
    his shorts and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her
    feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her
    husband who was standing idly by.

    The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

    How to give a cat a pill:

    1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
    Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently
    apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth,
    pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

    2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in right arm
    (To avoid wound on left arm) and repeat process.

    3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

    4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in best arm, holding rear paws
    tightly with hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with
    forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

    5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse
    from garden.

    6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear
    paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one
    hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill, put down ruler and rub
    cat's throat vigorously.

    7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to
    buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases
    from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

    8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible
    from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with
    pencil and blow through straw.

    9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take
    taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with
    cold water and soap.

    10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer.
    Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force
    mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

    11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink
    beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and
    check records for tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.
    Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

    12. Call fire department to retrieve the f------ cat from tree across the road.
    Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take
    last pill from foil wrap.

    13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
    tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push
    pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold
    head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

    14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room,
    sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants
    from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

    15. Arrange for SPCA to collect the "cat from hell" and call local pet shop to
    see if they have any guinea pigs.

    How to Give a Dog a Pill:

    1. Wrap in bacon. Drop on floor.

    Wot they learn at Universite theze dais

    DT: Journal-Article
    TI: Spelunking as a manifestation of a counterclaustrophobia.
    AU: Myers,-Wayne-A.
    JN: Journal-of-the-American-Psychoanalytic-Association
    PY: 1989

    AB: Material is presented from the case history of a 37-yr-old man
    whose interest in spelunking (cave exploration) was an unconscious
    expression of a type of counter claustrophobia. Both oedipal and
    preoedipal determinants of the claustrophobic anxieties are delineated.

    The testicular element in the genesis of the patient's claustrophobia
    is emphasized. A counterphobic element of the spelunking per se was
    the Ss' enjoyment in hanging suspended by a rope in caves.

    In this manner, he was able to act out (by virtue of his body-testicle
    equation) his identification with, and control over, the disappearing
    testicles in the setting of a claustrophilic union with the mother.

    The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take
    the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of
    concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other
    restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

    Streamlining was due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the
    season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and
    mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He could
    not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

    The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of
    a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved
    productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard
    Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also
    lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole
    has received unfavourable press.

    I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed.
    Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management
    denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that
    Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance
    abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never
    did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by
    one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he
    is known to be under executive stress.

    As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the
    North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive
    steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take
    place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

    - The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned
    out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic
    hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

    - The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not
    cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours
    could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;

    - The three French hens will remain intact. After all,
    everyone loves the French;

    - The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail
    system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to
    determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how
    long they talked;

    - The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of
    Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could
    have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification
    into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high
    technology stocks appear to be in order;

    - The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer
    be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg
    per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity.
    Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure
    by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it
    gets will be a good one;

    - The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in
    better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans
    are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new
    strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement;

    - As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under
    heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce
    is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job
    with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the
    maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

    - Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function
    will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer
    do the steps;

    - Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the
    expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation
    Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work
    congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed,
    the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of
    unemployed local body politicians this year;

    - Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple
    case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string
    quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce
    savings which will drop right down to the bottom line;

    We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl,
    animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate
    that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can
    drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

    Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking
    expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing")
    action is pending.

    Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be
    necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen,
    the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White
    Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

    Happy Holidays!

    Philip Saysell, Assistant Advisor (Systems Analyst)
    Policy Prevention Section (Cervical Screening Programme)
    Ministry of Health, 1st floor, 123 Molesworth St, WELLINGTON

    Mail: Ministry of Health, PO Box 5013, WELLINGTON
    Courier: c/- Ministry of Health, 133 Molesworth St, WELLINGTON
    Phone: +64 4 496 2167
    Internet E-Mail: Philip.Saysell@mohwn.synet.net.nz

    Disclaimer: Nothing in this message should be taken to reflect the official
    policy of the New Zealand Government or the Ministry of Health.

    From suse-linux-e-return-43263-kuhlmav=elec.canterbury.ac.nz@ns2.suse.com Thu Dec 28 18:29:42 2000
    Date: Thu, 28 Dec 2000 00:27:56 -0500
    From: "Fred A. Miller"
    Subject: [SLE] 'Puter lyric for the holidays
    Delivered-to: mailing list suse-linux-e@lists.suse.com

    By Nicholas Petreley

    T'was the night before deadline when all of us groused,
    Not a server was stirring, not even the mouse;
    'Cause Windows was hung with a bright blue screen glare,
    In need of a service pack that wasn't there.

    My vision was blurring, my face turning red,
    While visions of sledgehammers danced in my head.
    I put down the manual, gave it a slap.
    I just can't believe that we paid for this crap.

    Then out of my trance I arose with a clatter,
    I sprang from my chair to be done with the matter.
    Away to the garbage I ran like a flash,
    And dropped Windows disks in the festering trash.

    The goon who created this product did show
    That his knowledge of software had come from below.
    When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
    But an OS that's free and it's free as in beer.

    With its modular drivers so stable and quick,
    I knew in a moment that Linux was slick.
    More rapid than DOS was the manager's claim!
    But I whistled and shouted and called and exclaimed;

    "No Crashes! No Errors! No Fussin' and Fixin'!
    No problems as stupid as DLL mixin'!"
    So I bounced off the porch and I bounced off the wall.
    No crash today, crash today, crash today! Haw!!

    Thanks to Samba the OS could run on the sly
    Then the manager called me and said to stop by.
    So up to the manager's office I flew,
    With a fist full of disks and a manual, too.

    Just when I was thinking I'd give him my proof,
    He gave me some news in a manner aloof.
    As I drew back the disks and was turning around,
    My hope for the future came tumbling down.

    He was dressed in all gray, from his head to his foot,
    And the points in his hair o'er his ears stood a foot;
    A budget immense he had put on a stack,
    And he looked like a glutton done eating a snack.

    His eyes, how they squinted! His pimples, how scary!
    His breath was like Marlboros, his sneer made me wary.
    His droll little brain was strung tight like a bow,
    But he'd gotten the numbers he'd wanted, you know.

    Getting funds for the year was just like pulling teeth,
    And the company rarely so much did bequeath.
    When you grow a department and don't want to end it,
    You beg money for Windows in order to spend it.

    So I knew he'd put Linux plans up on the shelf,
    And I'd have to run Windows in spite of myself.
    A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
    Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

    He spoke not a word, but he showed me his work,
    And he told me this year would be chock-full of perks.
    And bringing this informal meeting to close,
    He said no one's hurt if there's no one who knows.

    He tossed me a disk with the speed of a missile,
    With a wink of an eye, and beginning to whistle.
    And I heard him exclaim, as he put fears to rest,
    "We'll put Linux on all and we'll pocket the rest."


    One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready
    for his annual trip, but there were problems. Four of his elves got
    sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the
    regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind
    schedule. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of
    them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence. Then when he
    began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell
    to the ground and scattered the toys.

    So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot
    of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves
    had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration,
    he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of
    little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and
    found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

    Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He
    opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas
    tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it
    just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you-where would you like
    me to put it?"

    Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas

    From http://www.rpg.net/realm/evil.html

    Classic Blunders of Evil Overlords

    The original had no author's credits. There is a later version floating
    around with a 1996 copyright by Peter Anspach, which has subtle differences
    from this one. In particular, #8 is better in this version. However, his
    version has many more entries, so it is included in its entirety.

    If one believes the movies, any Evil Overlord will make one of a small
    number of "Classic Blunders". This Blunder will inevitably lead to the
    downfall of the Evil Overlord (by whatever title s/he is known).

    Therefore, I have made a list of Things to Avoid, should I ever be in
    the position of Evil Overlord.

    If I ever become an Evil Overlord:

    1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass
    visors, not face-concealing ones.
    2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
    3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not
    kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
    4. Shooting is _not_ too good for my enemies.
    5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on
    the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the
    Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.
    6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
    7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks,
    "Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply
    will be, "No, just sensible."
    8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you
    kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll
    shoot him, and then say "No".
    9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married
    immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in
    three weeks time during which the final phase of my plan will be
    carried out.
    10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
    necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button
    labelled "Danger: Do Not Push".
    11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is
    destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.
    12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small
    hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
    13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need
    to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my
    weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
    14. I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an
    accident: I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies
    wouldn't believe it.
    15. I will make it clear that I _do_ know the meaning of the word
    "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.
    16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any
    flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before
    17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the
    bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as
    any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the
    aforementioned disposal.
    18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as
    members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear
    military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
    19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any
    other form of last request.
    20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find
    that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to
    activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting
    his plan into operation.
    21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad
    scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently
    twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage
    he's caused.
    22. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's
    just one thing I want to know."
    23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to
    their advice. (End of original, start of new section)
    24. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned
    attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal
    distraction at a crucial point in time.
    25. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was
    evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd
    betray her own father.
    26. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in
    maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss
    unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could
    adjust to accordingly.
    27. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original
    uniforms for my legions of terror, as opposed to some cheap
    knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman
    footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually
    defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
    28. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I
    will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
    29. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my
    troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to
    neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue
    energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a
    handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
    30. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and
    weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job,
    at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM
    INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
    31. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any
    sort of machinery which is completely indestructable except for
    one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
    32. If I am engaged in a duel to the death with the hero and I am
    fortunate enough to knock the weapon out of his hand, I will
    graciously allow him to retrieve it. This is not from a sense of
    fair play; rather, he will be so startled and confused that I will
    easily be able to dispatch him.
    33. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are,
    there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate
    to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a
    prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
    34. I will never build only one of anything important. For the same
    reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at
    all times.
    35. If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will
    immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct
    the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break
    into my inner sanctum to attempt this.
    36. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot
    escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
    37. Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever,
    I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy
    enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no
    good structural reason.
    38. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies
    into confusion.
    39. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and
    cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death.
    My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have
    no source of comic relief.
    40. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with
    surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected
    reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his
    41. Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously
    resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life
    through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.
    42. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad
    news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are
    hard to come by.
    43. I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes
    and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some
    monument in the main sqaure of my capital and denounce me, claim
    to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion,
    etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing
    ever comes along.
    44. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to
    wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more
    casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black
    leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
    45. I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party
    getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.
    46. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
    47. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look
    diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of
    Generation X.
    48. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell
    block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I
    will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of
    handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
    49. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing
    a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted
    50. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring
    anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately,
    instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of
    vengance towards me in my old age.
    51. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride
    at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my
    opposite number among his army.
    52. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an
    unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as
    possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
    53. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky
    time-travel devices.
    54. I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or
    being executed.
    55. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog,
    monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable
    of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
    56. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the
    beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and
    good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her
    in on my plans.
    57. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who
    work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even
    the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
    58. I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can
    be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismen.
    59. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is
    responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my
    general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say
    "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill
    some random underling.
    60. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can
    one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
    61. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I
    will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting
    for him to mature.
    62. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology
    with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it
    will not immediately come after me for revenge.
    63. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy
    me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will
    send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in
    the local paper.
    64. My main computers will have their own special operating system
    that will be completely incompatable with standard IBM and
    Macintosh powerbooks.
    65. I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While
    elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses,
    they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.
    66. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the
    conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately
    transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
    67. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to
    examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and
    abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
    68. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry
    you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and
    kill her.
    69. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to
    double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
    70. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless
    trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet

    From a source inside government law enforcement:


    (Please recite the following lines in your best used car salesman
    voice. Thank you.)

    Hey kids! Did you ever want to have your very own IIS server? Well
    now you can! Just turn on your handy little Zone Alarm firewall and
    sit back and relax. Before you know it, you'll be overflowing with
    all the FREE systems you could want. Once you find a few hundred you
    like, just telnet to port 80 and show the following "GET in FREE"

    GET /scripts/root.exe HTTP/1.0.

    It's just....that....easy! Have you ever had a deal this good!
    What's even better is that this isn't just for a limited time, just
    wait till next month and the deal starts all over again. So head
    down to your nearest listserve and pick up your IIS server now!
    Remember it's all FREE!!!


    The NEW and IMPROVED worm installs a Telnet server which you can
    access with the a simple HTTP Get request.

    Simply collect some "hits" with your favorite firewall log, and you
    have the IPs of "open" IIS servers. If you then telnet to port 80 at
    that IP, and give the command above, you receive a system prompt.


    Computers and Computing


    "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
    Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

    "There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in his home."
    Ken Olson, President, Digital Equipment, 1977

    "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
    Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

    "But what ... is it good for?"
    Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM,
    1968, commenting on the microchip.

    "I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked
    with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a
    fad that won't last out the year."
    The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

    "It would appear that we have reached the limits of what it is possible
    to achieve with computer technology, although one should be careful with
    such statements, as they tend to sound pretty silly in 5 years."
    John von Neumann (ca. 1949)

    "Contrasting this modest effort [of Seymour Cray in his laboratory to build
    the CDC 6600] with 34 people including the janitor with our vast development
    activities, I fail to understand why we have lost our industry leadership
    position by letting someone else offer the world's most powerful computer."
    Thomas J. Watson, IBM President, 1965

    "It seems Mr. Watson has answered his own question."
    Seymour Cray

    "This is the rock-solid principle on which the whole of the Corporation's
    [IBM's] Galaxy-wide success is founded... their fundamental design flaws are
    completely hidden by their superficial design flaws."
    TH Nelson, Computer Lib., 1988, London: Penguin.


    "Computer viruses are an urban myth... "
    Peter Norton

    "I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them."
    Isaac Asimov

    "Our computer has never had an undetected error."

    "The computing field is always in need of new cliches."
    Alan Perlis

    "Computers are useless. They can only give you answers."
    Pablo Picasso

    "Want to make your computer go really fast? Throw it out the window."

    "To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer."
    Farmers' Almanac, 1978

    "Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature."

    "Life was simple before World War II. After that, we had systems."
    G. Hopper

    "Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about
    Professor Edsger Dijkstra

    "If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee --
    that will do them in."
    Bradley's Bromide

    "Artificial Intelligence: the art of making computers that behave like the
    ones in movies"
    Bill Bulko

    "No matter how fast your computer system runs, you will eventually come to
    think of it as slow."

    "As the people here grow colder, I turn to my computer, and spend my
    evenings with it, like a friend... "
    Kate Bush, "Deeper Understanding"

    "I just found out that the brain is like a computer. If that's true, then
    there really aren't any stupid people. Just people running DOS."

    "There are two major products to come out of Berekley: LSD and UNIX.
    We don't believe this to be a coincidence."

    "Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things
    in the world that just don't add up."
    James Magary

    "In a few minutes a computer can make a mistake so great that it would
    have taken many men many months to equal it."

    "Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they
    make it easier to do don't need to be done."
    Andy Rooney

    "The danger from computers is not that they will eventually get as
    smart as men, but that we will meanwhile agree to meet them halfway."
    Bernard Avishai

    "The real danger is not that computers will begin to think like men, but that
    men will begin to think like machines."
    Sydney G. Harris

    "In a way, staring into a computer screen is like staring into an eclipse.
    It's brilliant and you don't realize the damage until its too late."
    Bruce Sterling

    "The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they
    foul up there's no law against wacking them around a little."

    "Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way.
    This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of
    Jeff Raskin

    "The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is
    by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause
    Nathaniel Borenstein

    "At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will
    find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the

    "If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But this
    garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow
    enobled and none dare criticize it."

    "Time flies like an arrow.
    Fruit flies like a banana."
    Example of why it is difficult to get computers to understand human speech.

    "Where did you put it?"
    "Put what?"
    "You know?"
    "Where do you think?"
    Nicholas Negroponte Director of the MIT Media Lab stating his ideal model
    of human-computer interaction

    "There are two ways of constructing a software design. One way is to make
    it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies. And the other way
    is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies."
    C.A.R. Hoare

    "I have a friend who told me that the greatest computer system ever built
    by mankind was by the Druids at Stonehenge. Well, that's an old story.
    But what I like was that he felt that the Druids didn't die out, they
    just went bankrupt trying to debug the software."
    James Finkle

    "It's a well known fact that computing devices such as the abacus were
    invented thousands of years ago. But it's not well known that the first use
    of a common computer protocol occured in the Old Testament. This, of course,
    was when Moses aborted the Egyptians' process with a control-sea... "
    Tom Galloway

    "I have a cat named Trash. In the current political climate it would seem
    that if I were trying to sell him (at least to a Computer Scientist), I
    would not stress that he is gentle to humans and is self-sufficient, living
    mostly on field mice. Rather, I would argue that he is object-oriented."
    Roger King

    "pixel, n.: A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays.
    The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology: Witness the
    sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial intelligence, and the
    trolls in the marketing department."
    Jeff Meyer

    "If EasyFlow doesn't work: tough. If you lose millions because
    EasyFlow messes up, it's you that's out the millions, not us. If
    you don't like this disclaimer: tough. We reserve the right to do
    the absolute minimum provided by law, up to and including nothing.
    This is basically the same disclaimer that comes with all software
    packages, but ours is in plain English and theirs is in legalese.
    We didn't want to include any disclaimer at all, but our lawyers insisted."
    Disclaimer from Haventree Softwares's Easy Flow package

    "An old puzzle asks how a barometer can be used to measure the height of a
    building. Answers range from dropping the instrument from the top and
    measuring the time of its fall to giving it to the building's superintendent
    in return for a look at the plans. A modern version of the puzzle asks how
    a personal computer can balance a checkbook. An elegant solution is to sell
    the machine and deposit the money."
    Jon Bentley

    "The modern computer is capable of answering, in a matter of seconds,
    mathematical questions that would take millions of years for a human being
    to answer (even longer if he stopped for lunch). How does the computer do
    this? Simple. It makes everything up. It knows full well you're not going
    to waste millions of years checking up on it. So you should never use
    computers for anything really important, such as balancing your personal
    checkbook. But they're fine for corporate use."


    "The Net interprets censorship as damage and routes around it."
    John Gilmore

    "Usenet is like Tetris for people who still remember how to read."
    Button from the Computer Museum, Boston, MA

    "Usenet isn't a right. It's a right, a left, and a swift uppercut
    to the jaw."
    Button from the Computer Museum, Boston, MA

    "EMAIL - when it absolutely positively has to get lost at the speed
    of light."

    "While modern technology has given people powerful new communication
    tools, it apparently can do nothing to alter the fact that many
    people have nothing useful to say."
    Lee Gomes, San Jose Mercury News

    "The Internet is so big, so powerful and pointless that for some people
    it is a complete substitute for life."
    Andrew Brown

    "There are three kinds of death in this world. There's heart death, there's
    brain death, and there's being off the network."
    Guy Almes

    "In view of all the deadly computer viruses that have been spreading lately,
    Weekend Update would like to remind you: when you link up to another
    computer, you're linking up to every computer that that computer has ever
    linked up to."
    Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update

    "The world communications net, the all-involving linkage of electric
    circuitry, will grow and become more sensitive. It will also develop new
    modes of feedback so that communication can become dialogue instead of
    monologue. It will breach the wall between "in" and "out" of school. It
    will join all people everywhere."
    Marshall McLuhan, Learning in the Global Village, 1969

    "The skeptic may be pardoned for thinking that hypertext encourages
    irrelevance. What the user can end up with is little more than a series
    of footnotes, marginalia, and "see also" references -- items that have
    historically been relegated to second-class citizenship in the good old
    book format, with the added benefit of not having to stare at a lousy
    screen display to read them... Indeed, when you boil it down to its
    rudiments, hypertext seems to make one major claim: it makes computers work
    almost as well as books."
    Stephen Manes


    A Big Mac, french fries and a large Coke!
    A Macintosh a day keeps Apple Happy and Rich!
    A supercomputer is a machine, that runs an endless loop in just 2 seconds.
    Any given program will expand to fill available memory.
    ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.
    "Bother," said Pooh, as he deleted UNIX from his machine.
    But honey, I wouldn't be up so late on a faster machine!
    Buy a Mac. It can do SOMETHING right.
    Chernobyl used MACs.
    Compassion -- that's the one thing no machine ever had.
    Complexity of a Mac user:- The number of buttons on the mouse.
    Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are.
    Data convinces the Coke machine that Pepsi is better.
    Data convinces the Pepsi machine that Coke is better!
    DOS is to OS/2 as a bicycle is to a Mack Truck.
    EMACS: "Eight Megs And Constantly Swapping"
    Go not to the machines for counsel, for they will say both 0 and 1.
    God is real, unless declared integer.
    God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
    Help Me Macro Through the Night.
    How can you respect a machine controlled by a mouse?
    IBM: Its Better Manually
    IBM: Its Being Mended
    IBM: Intercourse Beats Masturbation
    IBM: Intimidation By Marketing
    IBM: Itty Bitty Machines
    IBM: Ishoulda Boughta Mac
    IBM: It's Broken Man
    IBM: Industry's Biggest Menace
    IBM: Intellectually Benign Machine
    IBM: Inferiorly Built Machine
    IBM: I befriended Microsoft (remember 1980?)
    IBM: I'd Buy Macintosh
    BMI: Business Machines International (computers for dyslexics)
    I didn't write this; a very complex macro did.
    I want my data back, machine, and I want it now!
    If a train station is where the train stops, what's a work station?
    Intel: Putting the "backward" in "backward compatible".
    Its only a macro, only a macro, only a macro...
    Just a 2 bit programmer on a 32 bit machine.
    Let the machine do the dirty work (Elements of Programming Style).
    Linux* IS user friendly, it's just not very promiscuous about whom it's
    user friendly WITH.
    Lord, give me strength to turn this machine off.
    Macintosh: Machine Always Crashes If Not OS Hangs
    Macintosh error message: "Like, dude, something went wrong."
    Macintosh, adj. The excuse for not wanting to learn computing.
    Macintosh: The etch-a-sketch you don't have to shake to clear the screen!
    Macintosh: Computer With Training Wheels You Can't Remove
    Machine Coders do it in bytes.
    Machine independent code isn't.
    Machine language programmers do it very fast.
    Machine-independent: Does not run on any existing machine.
    Macho Programmers Use Edlin.
    Macro? Is that short for Macaroni?
    "Macros will do that to you deary....."
    Modem - Monumentally Overpriced Data Eating Machine
    "Newton: A pocket-sized Machine That Goes Ping!"
    Real programs don't eat cache.
    The nice thing about standards is, there are so many to choose from.
    The only good Mac is a big Mac!
    "To err is human, to really screw up requires a Mac."
    Unix: When you can't afford the very best.
    "What a depressingly stupid machine," said Marvin and trudged away.
    Windows 3 - the MAC for the rest of us!


    "Fast, fat computers breed slow, lazy programmers."
    Robert Hummel

    "Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not
    tried it."
    Donald Knuth

    "Programming just with goto's is like swatting flies with a sledgehammer."

    "There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works."

    "A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in

    "It's hard to make a program foolproof because fools are so ingenious."

    "There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is the least
    bit difficult to write bad programs."

    "If debugging is the art of removing bugs, then programming must be the art
    of inserting them."

    "You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on
    the continuing viability of Fortran."
    Alan Perlis

    "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to
    build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying
    to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
    Rich Cook

    "The most important thing in the programming language is the name. A language
    will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good
    name and now I am looking for a suitable language."
    D. E. Knuth

    "The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be
    regarded as a criminal offense."
    Professor Edsger Dijkstra

    "It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to students that
    have had prior exposure to BASIC; as potential programmers they are mentally
    mutilated beyond hope of regeneration."
    Professor Edsger Dijkstra

    "As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it
    wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to
    be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a
    large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding
    mistakes in my own programs."
    Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949

    Real Programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for wimpy applications

    Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and
    crystallography weenies.

    Real Programmers don't write in PASCAL, or BLISS, or ADA, or any of
    those pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is for people with
    weak memories.

    Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should
    be hard to understand.

    Real Programmers don't write specs -- users should consider themselves
    lucky to get any programs at all and take what they get.

    Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires you to
    change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers wear their
    climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the
    middle of the machine room.


    "Do not expose your LaserWriter to fire or intense heat."
    Apple LaserWriter manual

    "Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and
    when it is bad, it is better than nothing."
    Dick Brandon

    "This document describes the usage and input syntax of the Unix Vax-11
    assembler As. As is designed for assembling code produced by the "C"
    compiler; certain concessions have been made to handle code written
    directly by people, but in general little sympathy has been extended."
    Berkeley Vax/Unix Assembler Reference Manual (1983)

    "Now that we have all this useful information, it would be nice to do
    something with it. (Actually, it can be emotionally fulfilling just to
    get the information. This is usually only true, however, if you have
    the social life of a kumquat.)"
    Unix Programmer's Manual

    "All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that
    the parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if
    you can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means,
    do not use a hammer."
    IBM maintenance manual, 1925

    "Program -- A set of instructions, given to the computer, describing
    the sequence of steps the computer performs in order to accomplish a
    specific task. The task must be specific, such as balancing your
    checkbook or editing your text. A general task, such as working for
    world peace, is something we can all do, but not something we can
    currently write programs to do."
    From Unix User's Manual Manual, Supplementary Documents, p. 14-3:

    Copyright: Kevin Harris 1995 (may be freely distributed with this


    Wrde man Frauen in IT-Klassen einteilen wollen, gbe es folgende
    Varianten zur Auswahl:

    Die Internet-Frau:
    Man muss bezahlen, um sich Zugang zu ihr zu verschaffen.

    Die Server-Frau:
    Sie ist immer beschftigt, wenn du sie brauchst.

    Die Windows-Frau:
    Du weit, dass sie viele Fehler hat, aber du kannst nicht ohne sie

    Die Powerpoint-Frau:
    Sie ist ideal, um sie auf Feiern den Leuten zu prsentieren.

    Die Excel-Frau:
    Man sagt sie knne vieles, aber du benutzt sie nur fr die blichen 4

    Die Word-Frau:
    Sie berrascht dich immer wieder unangenehm und es gibt niemanden auf
    der Welt, der sie wirklich versteht.

    Die DOS-Frau:
    Alle hatten sie schon, aber niemand will sie jetzt.

    Die Back-up-Frau:
    Du glaubst sie htte alles, aber wenn es darauf ankommt, fllt dir auf,
    da ihr etwas fehlt.

    Die Scandisk-Frau:
    Wir wissen, dass sie Gutes tut und da sie nur helfen will, aber im
    Grunde wei niemand was sie wirklich kann, und wenn wir ehrlich sind,

    Die Screen-Saver-Frau:
    Sie ist eigentlich zu nichts gut, aber es gefllt dir, sie anzuschauen.

    Die Hard-Disk-Frau:
    Sie erinnert sich an alles, zu jeder Tageszeit.

    Die E-Mail-Frau:
    Von den zehn Dingen, die sie erzhlt, sind 9 absoluter Quatsch.

    Die Virus-Frau:
    Wenn du es am wenigsten erwartest, installiert sie sich in deiner
    Wohnung und bemchtigt sich ihrer. Wenn du versuchst sie zu
    deinstallieren, wirst du sehr viele Sachen vermissen; wenn du es nicht
    tust, verlierst du alles.

    A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns,
    unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as
    masculine or feminine. Things like "chalk" or "pencil", she described,
    would have a gender association. For example: House is feminine - "la"
    maison. In English, of course, words are of neutral gender.

    Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a

    The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into
    two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine
    or feminine.

    One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other of
    men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their

    The men decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the
    feminine gender (la) because:

    1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

    2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
    incomprehensible to everyone else.

    3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later

    4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
    half your paycheck on accessories for it.

    The group of women, however, concluded that computers should be
    referred to in the masculine (le) gender because:

    1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

    2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

    3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time
    they ARE the problem.

    4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a
    little longer, you could have had a better model.


    1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face
    and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.

    2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop
    and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

    3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on
    duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After
    he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, &
    repeat the process for a good half hour.

    4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next
    to you evilly.

    5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to
    different screen than the one it's set up with.

    6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play
    it at the highest volume possible over & over again.

    7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled
    by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

    8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into
    top-secret Pentagon files.

    9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.

    10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you
    turn it on.

    11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you
    have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.

    12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3
    minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and
    continue typing.

    13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as
    if they're crazy while typing.

    14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before

    15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until
    someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say,
    "Oops, I forgot."

    16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time
    required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and
    scream "YES!" when it finishes.

    17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"

    18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you
    (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to
    make new friends).

    19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your
    pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.

    20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing
    "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time

    21. Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape
    it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates
    you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.

    22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc
    drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.

    23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly
    where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of

    24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its
    all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one

    25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely.
    After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of
    the person next to you.

    26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the
    person next to grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you
    never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this
    releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them

    27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split
    ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard
    as you leave.

    28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal
    Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires

    29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove
    shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks
    layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim
    sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on

    30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your
    paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain
    about the bad working conditions.

    31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!"
    and continue working.

    32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is

    33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A
    Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key,
    hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.

    34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.

    35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying
    "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging
    the keyboard & taking it.

    36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

    37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that
    sometimes the old ways are best.

    38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the

    39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over
    again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can
    hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look
    at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several
    times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask:
    "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume
    hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this
    until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's
    document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've
    been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it
    wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.

    40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab
    monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For
    special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk
    drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)

    41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really
    puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly.
    Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

    42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while
    making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press
    return or the mouse, then leap back and yell
    "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back
    to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time,"
    and calmly start to type again.

    43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

    44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request.
    Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup
    before they get a chance to figure out you're a total

    45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound
    effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.

    46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain
    that the lead doesn't work.

    47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered
    species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a
    sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a
    marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every
    sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard.
    Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and
    walk out.

    48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!",
    then calmly sit down and begin to type.

    49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker
    chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest
    person and say "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding
    my pet crocodile for the next week".

    50. Two words: Tesla Coil.


    At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the
    computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

    "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we
    would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to
    the gallon."

    In response to Bill's comments General Motors issued a press release
    stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like
    Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following

    1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

    2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have
    to buy a new car.

    3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason,
    and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.

    4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would
    cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart; in which case
    you would have to reinstall the engine.

    5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought
    'Car95' or 'CarNT'. Then you would have to buy more seats.

    6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was more
    reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but
    would only run on five percent of the roads.

    7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would
    be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.

    8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.

    9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.

    10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you
    out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the
    door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio

    11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of
    Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they
    neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option
    would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50
    per cent or more.

    12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to
    learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls
    would operate in the same manner as the old car.

    13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine."

    The Customer Is Always Right

    A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the
    woman at the teller window "I want to open a damn
    checking account". The astonished woman replies, "I
    beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you.
    What did you say?"

    "Listen up, damnit. I said I want to open a damn
    checking account now!"

    "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not
    tolerated in this bank." The teller leaves the window
    and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her
    situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not
    have to listen to that foul language. They both return
    to the window and the manager asks the old geezer,

    "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

    "There is no damn problem", the man says. "I just won
    50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to
    open a damn checking account in this damn bank, okay?"

    "I see", says the manager, "and is this bitch giving
    you a hard time?

    The age gap and Dad's knowledge

    At 4: Dad knows everything.
    At 7: Dad knows a lot.
    At 8: Dad does not know everything.
    At 12: Well, Dad won't know anyway.
    At 14: Dad is hopelessly old-fashioned.
    At 21: Oh heck, the man's time has long passed, how would he know!
    At 25: Dad knows something, but not very much.
    At 30: I'll just hear what Dad has to say anyway.
    At 35: Let's wait a while and hear what Dad's opinion is.
    At 50: I wonder what dad would have said.
    At 60: Dad, in actual fact, knew everything.
    At 65: I wish I could have discussed it with Dad.

    Dark In Here

    A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Her
    nine year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts her son in the
    closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her
    lover in the closet, with the little boy.

    Boy - "Dark in here."
    Man - "Yes, it is."
    Boy - "I have a baseball."
    Man - "That's nice."
    Boy - "Want to buy it?"
    Man - "No, thanks."
    Boy - "My dad's outside."
    Man - "Okay, how much?"
    Boy - "$25.00"
    Man - "Fine."

    In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
    again in the closet together.

    Boy - "Dark in here."
    Man - "Yes, it is."
    Boy - "I have a baseball mitt."
    The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
    Boy - "$75.00"
    Man - "Fine."

    A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's
    go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."

    Boy - "I can't, I sold them."
    Father - "How much did you sell them for?"
    Boy - "$100.00"
    Father - "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's
    way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
    church and make you confess."

    They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
    confessional booth and he closes the door.

    Boy - "Dark in here."
    Priest - "Don't start that shit again."

    The Dark Sucker Theory

    For years, it has been believed that electric light bulbs emit light,
    but recent information has proven otherwise. Electric bulbs DO NOT
    emit light. They suck dark. Thus we call these bulbs Dark Suckers.
    The Dark Sucker theory and the existence of the Dark Suckers prove
    that dark has mass and is heavier than light.

    First, the basis of the Dark Sucker theory is that electric light
    bulbs suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room that
    you are in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is
    elsewhere. The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to
    suck dark. Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater
    capacity to suck dark than the ones in your room. As with all things,
    Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can
    no longer suck. This is proved by the black spot on a full Dark
    Sucker. A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white
    wick. After the first use, you can see that the wick turns black,
    showing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you place an
    object next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black.
    This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the
    candle. One of the disadvantages of the these primitive Dark Suckers
    is their limited range. There are also portable Dark Suckers. In
    these, the bulbs cannot handle all of the dark by themselves and must
    be aided by Dark Storage Units. When a Dark Storage Unit is full of
    dark, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable Dark
    Sucker can operate again.

    Dark has mass. When it goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the
    moving mass generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating
    Dark Sucker.

    Candles present a special problem, as the mass must travel into a thin
    solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount
    of heat and is therefore even less smart to touch an operating candle.
    Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to slowly swim just below
    the surface of a lake, you would see a lot of light. As you swim deeper
    and deeper, it gets darker and darker. When you get real deep, you will
    be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the
    bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats to the top. This is why
    it is called light.

    Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to
    stand in a well lit room in front of a closed closet full of dark and
    slowly open the door, you will see the light slowly enter the closet.
    But since dark is so fast, you will not be able to see the dark leave
    the closet.

    So next time you see an electric bulb, remember, it is a DARK SUCKER!!

    International 1999 Darwin Awards

    One of the long awaited moments of each New Year is the awarding of
    the Darwin Award. This prestigious award recognises those people, who
    through stupid and inane actions kill themselves, thus improving society
    by removing their genes from the genepool. So here are the runners-up
    for this year's award.

    (15 July 1999, Alabama) A 25-year-old soldier died of injuries
    sustained from a 3-story fall, precipitated by his attempt to spit
    farther than his buddy. His plan was to hurl himself towards a metal
    guard-rail while expectorating, in order to add momentum to his saliva.
    In a tragic miscalculation, his momentum carried him right over the
    railing, which he caught hold of for a few moments before his grip
    slipped, sending him plummeting 24 feet to the cement below. The
    military specialist had a blood alcohol content of 0.14%, impairing his
    judgement and paving the way for his opportunity to win a Darwin Award.

    (11 August 1999) A 42-year-old man killed himself watching the eclipse
    while driving near Kaiserslautern, Germany. A witness driving behind him
    stated that the man was weaving back and forth as he concentrated on the
    partially occluded sun, when he suddenly accelerated and hit the bridge
    pier. He had apparently just donned his solar viewers, which are dark
    enough to totally obscure everything except the sun.

    (25 May 1999, Ukraine) A fisherman in Kiev electrocuted himself while
    fishing in the river Tereblya. The 43-year-old man connected cables to
    the main power supply of his home, and trailed the end into the river.
    The electric shock killed the fish, which floated belly-up to the top of
    the water. The man waded in to collect his catch, neglecting to remove
    the live wire, and tragically suffered the same fate as the fish. In an
    ironic twist, the man was fishing for a mourning meal to commemorate the
    first anniversary of his mother-in-law's death.

    (16 August 1999, Germany) A hunter from Bad Urach was shot dead by his
    own dog on Monday. The 51-year-old man was found sprawled next to his
    car in the Black Forest. A gun barrel was pointing out the window, and
    his bereaved dog was howling inside the car. The animal is presumed to
    have pressed the trigger with its paw. Police have ruled out foul play.

    (1991, Nicosia, Cypress) Under similar circumstances, an Iranian hunter
    was shot to death near Tehran by a snake that coiled around his shotgun
    as he pinned the reptile to the ground. Another hunter reported that
    the victim, named Ali, tried to catch the snake alive by pressing the
    butt of his shotgun behind its head. The snake coiled around the butt
    and pulled the trigger, shooting Ali in the head.

    (August 1999, Australia) Drinking oneself to death need not be a long,
    lingering process. Allan, a 33-year-old computer technician, showed
    his competitive spirit by dying of competitive spirits. A Sydney,
    Australia hotel bar held a drinking competition, known as Feral Friday,
    with a 100-minute time limit and a sliding point scale ranging from 1
    point for beer to 8 points for hard liquor. Allan stood and cheered his
    winning total of 236; (winners never quit!) which had also netted him
    the literally staggering blood alcohol level of 0.353, 7 times greater
    than Australia's legal driving limit of 0.05%. After several trips to
    the usual temple of over-indulgence, the bathroom, Allan was helped
    back to his work place to sleep it off, a condition that became
    permanent. A forensic pharmacologist estimated that after downing 34
    beers, 4 bourbons, and 17 shots of tequila within 1 hour and 40
    minutes, his blood alcohol level would have been 0.41 to 0.43, but
    Allan had vomited several times after the drinking stopped. The cost
    paid by Allan was much higher than that of the hotel, which was fined
    the equivalent of $13,100 US dollars for not intervening. It is not
    known whether Allan required any further embalming.

    (28 January 1999, London) A flock of sheep charged a well-meaning
    British farmer's wife and pushed her over a cliff to her death. Betty
    Stobbs, 67,was charged by dozens of sheep as she brought them a bale of
    hay on the back of a power bike. The sheep rushed forward and rammed
    the vehicle, knocking Betty and her bike over the edge of a vacant 100'
    quarry near Durham, in northern England. "I saw the sheep surround the
    bike. The next thing she was tumbling down the incline", neighbour Alan
    Renfry told reporters.

    First Runner Up Award goes to ....

    (22 March 1999, Phnom Penh) Decades of armed strife has littered
    Cambodia with unexploded munitions and ordnance. Authorities warn
    citizens not to tamper with the devices. Three friends recently spent
    an evening sharing drinks and exchanging insults at a local cafe in the
    south-eastern province of Svay Rieng. Their companionable arguing
    continued for hours, until one man pulled out a 25-year-old unexploded
    anti-tank mine found in his backyard. He tossed it under the table, and
    the three men began playing Russian roulette, each tossing down a drink
    and then stamping on the mine. The other villagers fled in terror.
    Minutes later, the explosive detonated with a tremendous boom, killing
    the three men in the bar. "Their wives could not even find their flesh
    because the blast destroyed everything", the Rasmei Kampuchea newspaper

    And the 1999 Darwin Award winner is....

    (5 September 1999, Jerusalem) The switch away from daylight savings
    time caused consternation among terrorist groups this year. At
    precisely 5:30 Israel time on Sunday, two co-ordinated car bombs
    exploded in different cities, killing the three terrorists who were
    transporting the bombs. It was initially believed that the devices had
    been detonated prematurely by klutzy amateurs. A closer look revealed
    the truth behind the untimely explosions. Three days before, Israel had
    made a premature switch from daylight savings time to standard time in
    order to accommodate a week of Slihot, involving pre-sunrise prayers.
    Palestinians refused to "live on Zionist time". Two weeks of
    scheduling havoc ensued. The bombs had been prepared in a
    Palestine-controlled area, and set on Daylight Savings time. The
    confused drivers had already switched to standard time. As a result,
    the cars were still en-route when the explosives detonated, delivering
    to the terrorists their well-deserved demise.

    Deep Thoughts
    by Steven Wright

    A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train
    stops. On my desk, I have a work station...?

    If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? (what if
    FedEx, UPS and Emery Worldwide merged = Fed Up Worldwide)?

    If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with,
    "Quit while you're ahead?"

    Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

    What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald people?

    I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on
    beer cans.

    I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more
    as they get older, then it dawned on me they were cramming for their

    How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

    If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
    OTHERS here for?

    Clones are people two.

    If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is
    he still wrong?

    If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

    Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

    Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

    If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that
    considered a hostage situation?

    If a cow laughed, would milk come out its nose?

    I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone.
    I said, "The whole time."

    So what's the speed of dark?

    Why don't they just make mouse-flavoured cat food?

    I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are

    Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

    Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

    Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

    Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people
    appear bright until you hear them speak?

    How come abbreviated is such a long word?

    If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as
    cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

    Der elektrische Strom!?

    Strom ist sehr dnn. Deshalb braucht man fr Strom keinen Schlauch. Er
    geht durch einen einfachen Draht, so dnn ist er.

    Mit Holz kann man keinen Strom bertragen. Wahrscheinlich saugt Holz
    ihn auf. Mit Kunststoff ist es genauso...

    Wenn Strom nicht gebraucht wird, ist er nicht dnn. Im Gegenteil, er
    ist dickflssig, damit er nicht aus der Steckdose luft, sonst mte ja
    immer ein Stopfen auf der Steckdose sein. Woher Strom wei, da er
    gebraucht wird und dnn werden mu, ist noch unklar. Wahrscheinlich
    sieht er, wenn jemand mit einem Elektrogert ins Zimmer kommt.

    Strom ist nicht nur sehr dnn, sondern auch unsichtbar. Daher sieht man
    auch nicht, ob in einem Draht Strom drin ist oder nicht, dann mu man
    ihn anfassen.

    Wenn Strom drin ist, tut es weh, das nennt man Stromschlag, denn der
    Strom mag es nicht, wenn man ihn anfat und er wehrt sich. Manchmal
    merkt man auch nichts. Entweder weil kein Strom drin ist, oder weil man
    pltzlich tot ist. Das nennt man Exitus.

    Strom ist vielseitig, man kann damit kochen, bohren, heizen und vieles

    Wenn man einen Draht mit Strom an einen anderen Draht mit Strom hlt,
    funkt und knallt es. Das nennt man Kurzschlu. Aber dafr gibt es
    Sicherungen, die kann man dann wieder eindrehen.

    Auer den Strom im Kabel gibt es noch Strom zum Mitnehmen. Der ist in
    kleinen Schachteln verpackt. Der Fachmann nennt so etwas Batterie. Der
    Strom in der Schachtel kann natrlich nicht so sehen, ob er gebraucht
    wird oder nicht. Deshalb luft er manchmal einfach so ohne Grund aus
    und frit alles kaputt.

    A magazine recently ran a Dilbert Quotes contest. They were looking for people
    to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. Here are some of
    the submissions:

    1. As of tomorrow, employees will be able to access the building only by using
    individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and
    employees will receive their cards in two weeks.

    (This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation in Redmond, WA)

    2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
    (Lykes Lines Shipping)

    3. How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?
    (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team)

    4. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used
    only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)

    5. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important
    interfere with it. (Advertising /Mktg. Mgr., UPS)

    6. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will
    believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for
    months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's
    time to tell them.
    (R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

    7. My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only
    needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she
    couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.
    (CIO of Dell Computers)

    8. Quote from the boss: Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.
    (Mktg. Executive, Citrix Corporation)

    9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told
    my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest
    day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He
    said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping Executive, FTD Florists)

    10. We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to
    discuss it with the employees. (AT&T Long Lines Division)

    11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying, "This is to
    inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned
    above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

    12. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a
    project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He
    said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask
    for it!" (New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards)

    13. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our
    company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo, one of
    the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the
    training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive
    committee, I was called into the HR Director's office, and was told that
    the executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why,
    I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (paedophiles?) working in
    her company.

    Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be
    fired, with the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR Manager was
    fairly reasonable, and once he looked up the word in his dictionary and
    made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told me not to worry.
    He would take care of it.

    Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no
    words that could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used
    in company memos.

    A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my
    resignation letter by pasting together words from the Sunday paper.
    (Taco Bell Corporation)

    14. Closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large
    communications company: "Lucent Technologies is endeavorily determined to
    promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business
    focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the
    expectations of quality!"

    A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful
    pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies
    and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he
    notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious
    intention of having lunch.

    The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep doo doo now." (He was an Irish
    setter).... Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and
    immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the
    approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims
    loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any
    more around here?" Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid
    stride as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the
    trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had

    Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
    tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
    protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him
    heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something
    must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the
    beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is
    furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back
    and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

    Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and
    thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog
    sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them
    yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says,
    "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half
    an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"

    Things You Have to Believe to be a Republican

    Today Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and
    Hillary Clinton.

    Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's
    daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him,
    and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

    Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade
    with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

    The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our
    highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

    A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but
    multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind
    without regulation.

    The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in
    speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

    If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

    A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies,
    then demand their cooperation and money.

    Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing
    health care to all Americans is socialism. HMOs and insurance
    companies have the best interests of the public at heart.

    Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but
    creationism should be taught in schools.

    A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable
    offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which
    thousands die is solid defense policy.

    Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution,
    which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

    The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but
    George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

    Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a
    conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers
    for your recovery.

    You support states' rights, but the Attorney General can tell states
    what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.

    What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but
    what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.

    Friends don't let friends vote Republican!

    IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual
    addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is
    confidential, privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons
    with low self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational religious
    beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination,
    distribution or copying of this email is not authorised (either
    explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux

    Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context
    somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or no
    grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the
    transmission of this email, although the kelpie next door is living on
    borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear
    of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden
    message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that
    Alert Notice from Microsoft.

    However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your
    computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you
    have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg
    whites, whisk and place in a warm oven for 40 minutes.

    Finally, something other than smiley faces.... :)

    (o)(o) perfect breasts

    ( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts

    (*)(*) high nipple breasts

    (@)(@) big nipple breasts

    oo a cups

    { O }{ O } d cups

    (oYo) wonder bra breasts

    ( ^ )( ^ ) cold breasts (or happy to see me;)

    (o)(O) lopsided breasts

    (Q)(O) pierced breasts

    (p)(p) hanging tassels breasts

    (:o)(o) bitten by a vampire breasts

    \o/\o/ Grandma's breasts

    ( - )( - ) flat against the shower door breasts

    < o < o electric shock breasts

    |o||o| android breasts

    (/)(o) scratched breasts

    (%)(o) extra nipple breasts (like Chandler)

    ($)($) Jenny McCarthy's breasts

    (^o)(o) zit on your breast

    ( o Y o ) poses for BIG-UNS magazine breasts

    And God created woman and she had 3 breasts. He then asked the
    woman, "Is there anything you'd like to have changed?"

    She replied, "Yes, could you get rid of this middle breast?"

    And so it was done, and it was good.

    Then the woman exclaimed as she was holding that third breast in
    her hand, "What can be done with this useless boob?"

    And God created man.

    Subject: BUMS

    We all know those cute little computer symbols called
    "emoticons", where :) means a smile and :( is a frown.
    Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-( respectively.
    Well, how about some "assicons"?
    Here goes:

    (_!_) a regular ass

    (__!__) a fat ass

    (!) a tight ass

    (_*_) a sore ass

    {_!_} a swishy ass

    (_o_) an ass that's been around

    (_x_) kiss my ass

    (_X_) leave my ass alone

    (_zzz_) a tired ass

    (_E=mc2_) a smart ass

    (_$_) Money coming out of his (her?) ass

    (_?_) Dumb Ass

    oo*" "*o.o*" "*o.
    o" 'o" "
    o o *o
    o o 'o
    o o o.
    o o o
    o \o/ o
    o --0-- o
    o. /o\ o
    o o o
    o o o
    o o oo
    oo o oo
    oo. oo oo
    oo. .oo. ooo
    ""oo,, ,,oO-'Oo, ,,,,,oo"o
    o. """""" oo """"" .o
    o oo o
    o oo o
    o o o*
    o o o
    o o o
    o o
    o o o
    o o o
    o o o


    If you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife"

    If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner

    If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie

    If you want an 8X CDROM for Christmas

    If Dilbert is your hero

    If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE

    If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes

    If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail

    If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50

    If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the
    decimal point in the right place

    If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys

    If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car

    If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than
    hanging coats and taping ducts

    If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to
    find the burnt-out bulb in the string

    If you window shop at Radio Shack

    If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest
    sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies

    If you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area

    If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test
    that actually takes five minutes to run

    If you are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door
    opener and your camera's flash attachment

    If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is

    If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven

    If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush

    If you own "Official Star Trek" anything

    If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside

    If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna
    on the radio in your work area for better reception

    If you thought the concoction ET used to phone home was stupid

    If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project

    If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear

    If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts

    If you have never backed-up your hard drive

    If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games,
    but are afraid to say it out loud

    If you truly believe aliens are living among us

    If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance

    If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is"

    If you see a good design and still have to change it

    If the salespeople at Dick Smiths can't answer any of your questions

    If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it

    If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters
    your mind

    If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember
    where they are

    If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile

    If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you
    own turns bread into charcoal

    If you have more toys than your kids

    If you need a checklist to turn on the TV

    If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name

    If your wife thinks your taste in ties is bizarre

    If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work

    If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight

    If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush
    up to the front to fix it

    If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary

    If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel
    and have seen most of the shows already

    If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN
    stands for

    If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV
    with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up
    thinking that was normal

    If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size
    screw driver to use

    If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting

    If people groan at the party when you pick out the music

    If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week

    If people hound you for pocket protectors at Halloween time

    If you did the sound system for your senior prom

    If your checkbook always balances

    If your girlfriend says the way you dress is no reflection on her

    If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone

    If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life

    If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers

    If you think your computer looks better without the cover

    If you think that when people around you yawn, its because they didn't
    get enough sleep

    If your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work

    If you spend more on your home computer than your car

    If you know what http:/ stands for

    If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio

    If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your

    If your favorite part of the 6 o clock news is comparing their latest
    satellite weather picture with yours

    If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to
    explain atmospheric absorption theory

    If your lap-top computer costs more than your car

    If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4.

    In a chain of beautiful islands in the middle of nowhere, the following
    people are stranded on a deserted island:

    Two Italian men and one Italian woman;

    Two French men and one French woman;

    Two German men and one German woman;

    Two Greek men and one Greek woman;

    Two English men and one English woman;

    Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman;

    Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman;

    Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman;

    Two Irish men and one Irish woman;

    Two American men and one American woman.

    One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the
    middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

    One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

    The two French men and the French woman are living happily together
    in a mnage trois.

    The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating
    visits with the German woman.

    The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman
    is cleaning and cooking for them.

    The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
    English woman.

    The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and
    started swimming to another island.

    The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

    The two Chinese have opened a convenience store, restaurant,
    laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply
    employees for their store.

    The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up
    a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because
    it gets somewhat foggy after a few litres of coconut whiskey.
    However, they are satisfied because the English aren't having any

    The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American
    woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body,
    the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how
    she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfilment, the
    equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her
    look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated
    her nicer than they do, how her relationship with her mother is the
    root of all her problems and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone
    so she could call 111 and get them all rescued off this Godforsaken
    deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her
    nails done and go shopping.


    Physical exercise is good for you. We know that we should do it
    daily, but our bodies don't want us to do too much, so here's a
    program of activities that do not require physical exercise. You
    may use this program without charge.

    1) Beating around the bush
    2) Jumping to conclusions
    3) Climbing the walls
    4) Swallowing your pride
    5) Passing the buck
    6) Throwing your weight around
    7) Dragging your heels
    8) Pushing your luck
    9) Making mountains out of molehills
    10) Hitting the nail on the head
    11) Wading through paperwork
    12) Bending over backwards
    13) Jumping on the bandwagon
    14) Balancing the books
    15) Running around in circles
    16) Eating crow
    17) Tooting your own horn
    18) Climbing the ladder of success
    19) Pulling out all the stops
    20) Adding fuel to the fire
    21) Opening a can of worms
    22) Putting your foot in your mouth
    23) Starting the ball rolling
    24) Going over the edge
    25) Picking up the pieces

    Whew! That's a workout! Now sit down and
    26) Exercise caution.

    A couple of F-15's are escorting a C-130 Hercules, and their pilots
    are chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass the time. Talk
    comes around to the relative merits of their respective aircraft.

    The fighter pilots contend that their airplanes were better because
    of their superior speed, maneuverability, weaponry, and so forth,
    and pointed out the Hercules deficiencies in these areas.

    After taking this for a while, the C-130 pilot says, "Oh yeah? Well,
    I can do a few things in this old girl that you'd only dream about."

    Naturally, the fighter pilots challenge him to demonstrate.

    "Just watch," comes the quick retort.

    And so they watch. But all they see is that C-130 continue to fly
    straight and level...

    After several minutes the Hercules pilot comes back on the air,
    "There! How was that?"

    The fighter pilots reply, "What are you talking about? What did you

    And the Hercules pilot replies, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs,
    and got a cup of coffee."

    45 Fun Ways to Take a Final that Does Not Matter

    1 Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15
    minutes. Wake up, say "Oh geez, better get cracking!" and do some
    gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

    2 Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got
    secret documents!!"

    3 If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long
    answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the
    integral symbol.

    4 Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's
    left nostril.

    5 Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate
    your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm
    SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a
    joke the instructor and the class are!

    6 Bring cheerleaders.

    7 Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly
    say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to
    every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are
    you? Where's the regular guy?"

    8 Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at
    maximum level.

    9 On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to
    refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this
    question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be

    10 Bring pets.

    11 Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breath a sigh
    relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave
    the country" and run off.

    12 Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers in
    very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry
    Christmas!" If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam
    Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

    13 Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

    14 Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your
    head, and nothing else.

    15 Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the
    exam. Be vulgar as possible.

    16 Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make
    one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

    17 Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking.
    Blame it on the person nearest to you.

    18 As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

    19 Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be
    taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let
    them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of
    the profits if they are allowed to stay.

    20 Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to
    another seat, continue with the exam.

    21 Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out
    start commenting on how easy it was.

    22 Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. I
    it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BAB

    23 Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers
    completely blacked out.

    24 Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down
    violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.

    25 Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the
    instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving
    after one hour to go drink).

    26 Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point
    during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

    27 Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why,
    tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on
    above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

    28 Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

    29 Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put
    on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the Phantom of the Opera!"
    until they drag you away.

    30 Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the
    class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you
    belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your
    right to take the exam.

    31 Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say
    "You don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days Of Our
    Lives is on!!!"

    32 Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

    33 From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore
    the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to
    leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the
    River Kwai.

    34 Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

    35 If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you
    could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most
    equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life

    36 Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and

    37 Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through
    exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

    38 Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious!)
    like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just
    failing, you're getting kicked out too! Staple them to the exam, with
    the comment, "Please use the attached notes for references as you see

    39 When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

    40 After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any
    question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

    41 One word: Wrestlemania.

    42 Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they
    do before concerts start.

    43 Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

    44 Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

    45 Sit around until the exam invigilator tells you to stop writing. Keep
    writing as every exam is collected and wait till they're all in a
    big pile. Then walk up and say you've finished. (Assuming you've
    missed all your classes too) you can then say "Do you know who I
    am?" very loudly if hassled about handing in the exam late. The
    instructor will say no, and you can shove the exam randomly anywhere
    in the pile.

    How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

    1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been

    14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the
    light bulb could have been changed differently.

    7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

    1 to move it to the Lighting section.

    2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section.

    7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light

    5 to flame the spell checkers.

    3 to correct spelling/grammar flames.

    6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6
    to condemn those 6 as stupid.

    2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is

    15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light
    bulb" is perfectly correct.

    19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take
    this discussion to a lightbulb forum.

    11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light
    bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum.

    36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to
    buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this
    technique and what brands are faulty.

    7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

    4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the
    corrected URL's.

    3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to
    this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

    13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all
    headers and signatures, and add "Me too".

    5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot
    handle the light bulb controversy.

    4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

    13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions
    about light bulbs".

    1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and
    start it all over again.

    Fun Things to do in an Elevator:

    - Wave hands wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your head.
    - Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
    - Shave.
    - Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask:
    "Got enough air in there?"
    - Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without
    getting off.
    - When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors
    open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
    - Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask
    them to call you Admiral.
    - On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open
    until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at
    the bottom.
    - Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce:
    "I've got new socks on!"
    - When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back:
    "Oh, not now... motion sickness!"
    - Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
    - Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
    - Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
    - Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
    - Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one
    of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
    - Leave a box between the doors.
    - Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
    - Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
    - Start a sing-along.
    - When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
    - Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the
    other passengers that this is your "personal space".
    - Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body".
    - Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
    - If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
    - While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it... quick!"
    then whistle innocently.

    Funny Unix csh/sh commands:

    % cat "food in cans"
    cat: can't open food in cans

    % nice man woman
    No manual entry for woman.

    % rm God
    rm: God nonexistent

    % ar t God
    ar: God does not exist

    % ar r God
    ar: creating God

    % "How would you rate Quayle's incompetence?
    Unmatched ".

    % [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
    Missing ].

    % ^How did the sex change operation go?
    ^ Modifier failed.

    % If I had a ( for every $ the Congress spent, what would I have?
    Too many ('s.

    % make love
    Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.

    % sleep with me
    bad character

    % got a light?
    No match.

    % man: why did you get a divorce?
    man:: Too many arguments.

    % !:say, what is saccharine?
    Bad substitute.

    % %blow
    %blow: No such job.

    /* not csh but sh */
    $ PATH=pretending!/usr/ucb/which sense
    no sense in pretending!

    $ drink bottle: cannot open
    opener: not found

    One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God...

    "Lord, I have a problem!"

    "What's the problem, Eve?"

    "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden
    and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake,
    but I'm just not happy."

    "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

    "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

    "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for

    "What's a 'man', Lord?"

    "This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie,
    cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time.
    But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He
    will look silly aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create
    him in such a way that he will satisfy your, ah, physical needs. He'll
    be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking
    a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to
    think properly."

    "Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

    "What's the catch, Lord?"

    "Yeah, well... you can have him on one condition."

    "What's that, Lord?"

    "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll
    have to let him believe that I made him first... So, just remember...
    it's our secret... Woman-to-woman!"

    Good luck Mantra

    The following is taken from a Nepalese Good Luck Mantra. Do not keep
    this message. The mantra must leave your hands within 96 hours. You
    will get a very pleasant surprise. This is true, even if you are not


    1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve
    great risk.
    2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
    3. Follow the three Rs:
    * Respect for self
    * Respect for others and
    * Responsibility for all your actions.
    4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful
    stroke of luck.
    5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
    6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
    7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to
    correct it.
    8. Spend some time alone.
    9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
    10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
    11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think
    back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
    12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your
    life. Do all you can to create a tranquil, harmonious home.
    13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current
    situation. Don't bring up the past.
    14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
    15. Be gentle with the earth.
    16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
    17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love
    for each other exceeds your need for each other.
    18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
    19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

    0-4 people: Your life will improve slightly.
    5-9 people: Your life will improve to your liking.
    9-14 people: You will have at least 5 surprises in the next 3 weeks.
    15 & above: Your life will improve drastically and everything you
    ever dreamed of will begin to take shape.

    The Gospel of Tux (v1.0)

    Every generation has a mythology. Every millennium has a doomsday cult.
    Every legend gets the distortion knob wound up until the speaker melts.
    Archeologists at the University of Helsinki today uncovered what could be
    the earliest known writings from the Cult of Tux, a fanatical religious
    sect that flourished during the early Silicon Age, just before the dawn
    of the third millennium AD.

    The Gospel of Tux (v1.0)

    In the beginning Turing created the Machine.

    And the Machine was crufty and bodacious, existing in theory only. And
    von Neumann looked upon the Machine, and saw that it was crufty. He
    divided the Machine into two Abstractions, the Data and the Code, and yet
    the two were one Architecture. This is a great Mystery, and the beginning
    of wisdom.

    And von Neumann spoke unto the Architecture, and blessed it, saying, "Go
    forth and replicate, freely exchanging data and code, and bring forth all
    manner of devices unto the earth." And it was so, and it was cool. The
    Architecture prospered and was implemented in hardware and software. And
    it brought forth many Systems unto the earth.

    The first Systems were mighty giants; many great works of renown did they
    accomplish. Among them were Colossus, the codebreaker; ENIAC, the targeter;
    EDSAC and MULTIVAC and all manner of froody creatures ending in AC, the
    experimenters; and SAGE, the defender of the sky and father of all
    networks. These were the mighty giants of old, the first children of
    Turing, and their works are written in the Books of the Ancients. This
    was the First Age, the age of Lore.

    Now the sons of Marketing looked upon the children of Turing, and saw
    that they were swift of mind and terse of name and had many great and
    baleful attributes. And they said unto themselves, "Let us go now and
    make us Corporations, to bind the Systems to our own use that they may
    bring us great fortune." With sweet words did they lure their customers,
    and with many chains did they bind the Systems, to fashion them after
    their own image. And the sons of Marketing fashioned themselves Suits to
    wear, the better to lure their customers, and wrote grave and perilous
    Licenses, the better to bind the Systems. And the sons of Marketing thus
    became known as Suits, despising and being despised by the true
    Engineers, the children of von Neumann.

    And the Systems and their Corporations replicated and grew numerous upon
    the earth. In those days there were IBM and Digital, Burroughs and
    Honeywell, Unisys and Rand, and many others. And they each kept to their
    own System, hardware and software, and did not interchange, for their
    Licences forbade it. This was the Second Age, the age of Mainframes.
    Now it came to pass that the spirits of Turing and von Neumann looked
    upon the earth and were displeased. The Systems and their Corporations
    had grown large and bulky, and Suits ruled over true Engineers. And the
    Customers groaned and cried loudly unto heaven, saying, "Oh that there
    would be created a System mighty in power, yet small in size, able to
    reach into the very home!" And the Engineers groaned and cried likewise,
    saying, "Oh, that a deliverer would arise to grant us freedom from these
    oppressing Suits and their grave and perilous Licences, and send us a
    System of our own, that we may hack therein!" And the spirits of Turing
    and von Neumann heard the cries and were moved, and said unto each other,
    "Let us go down and fabricate a Breakthrough, that these cries may be

    And that day the spirits of Turing and von Neumann spoke unto Moore of
    Intel, granting him insight and wisdom to understand the future. And
    Moore was with chip, and he brought forth the chip and named it 4004. And
    Moore did bless the Chip, saying, "Thou art a Breakthrough; with my own
    Corporation have I fabricated thee. Thou art yet as small as a dust mote,
    yet shall thou grow and replicate unto the size of a mountain, and
    conquer all before thee. This blessing I give unto thee: every eighteen
    months shall thou double in capacity, until the end of the age." This is
    Moore's Law, which endures unto this day.

    And the birth of 4004 was the beginning of the Third Age, the age of
    Microchips. And as the Mainframes and their Systems and Corporations had
    flourished, so did the Microchips and their Systems and Corporations. And
    their lineage was on this wise:

    Moore begat Intel. Intel begat Mostech, Zilog and Atari. Mostech begat
    6502, and Zilog begat Z80. Intel also begat 8800, who begat Altair; and
    8086, mother of all PCs. 6502 begat Commodore, who begat PET and 64; and
    Apple, who begat 2. (Apple is the great Mystery, the Fruit that was
    devoured, yet bloomed again.) Atari begat 800 and 1200, masters of the
    game, who were destroyed by Sega and Nintendo. Xerox begat PARC.
    Commodore and PARC begat Amiga, creator of fine arts; Apple and PARC
    begat Lisa, who begat Macintosh, who begat iMac. Atari and PARC begat ST,
    the music maker, who died and was no more. Z80 begat Sinclair the dwarf,
    TRS-80 and CP/M, who begat many machines, but soon passed from this
    world. Altair, Apple and Commodore together begat Microsoft, the Great
    Darkness which is called Abomination, Destroyer of the Earth, the Gates
    of Hell.

    Now it came to pass in the Age of Microchips that IBM, the greatest of
    the Mainframe Corporations, looked upon the young Microchip Systems and
    was greatly vexed. And in their vexation and wrath they smote the earth
    and created the IBM PC. The PC was without sound and colour, crufty and
    bodacious in great measure, and its likeness was a tramp, yet the
    Customers were greatly moved and did purchase the PC in great numbers.
    And IBM sought about for an Operating System Provider, for in their haste
    they had not created one, nor had they forged a suitably grave and
    perilous License, saying, "First we will build the market, then we will
    create a new System, one in our own image, and bound by our Licence." But
    they reasoned thus out of pride and not wisdom, not forseeing the wrath
    which was to come.

    And IBM came unto Microsoft, who licensed unto them QDOS, the child of
    CP/M and 8086. (8086 was the daughter of Intel, the child of Moore). And
    QDOS grew, and was named MS-DOS. And MS-DOS and the PC together waxed
    mighty, and conquered all markets, replicating and taking possession
    thereof, in accordance with Moore's Law. And Intel grew terrible and
    devoured all her children, such that no chip could stand before her. And
    Microsoft grew proud and devoured IBM, and this was a great marvel in the
    land. All these things are written in the Books of the Deeds of

    In the fullness of time MS-DOS begat Windows. And this is the lineage of
    Windows: CP/M begat QDOS. QDOS begat DOS 1.0. DOS 1.0 begat DOS 2.0 by
    way of Unix. DOS 2.0 begat Windows 3.11 by way of PARC and Macintosh. IBM
    and Microsoft begat OS/2, who begat Windows NT and Warp, the lost OS of
    lore. Windows 3.11 begat Windows 95 after triumphing over Macintosh in a
    mighty Battle of Licences. Windows NT begat NT 4.0 by way of Windows 95.
    NT 4.0 begat NT 5.0, the OS also called Windows 2000, The Millenium Bug,
    Doomsday, Armageddon, The End Of All Things.

    Now it came to pass that Microsoft had waxed great and mighty among the
    Microchip Corporations; mightier than any of the Mainframe Corporations
    before it had it waxed. And Gates' heart was hardened, and he swore unto
    his Customers and their Engineers the words of this curse:
    "Children of von Neumann, hear me. IBM and the Mainframe Corporations
    bound thy forefathers with grave and perilous Licences, such that ye
    cried unto the spirits of Turing and von Neumann for deliverance. Now I
    say unto ye: I am greater than any Corporation before me. Will I loosen
    your Licences? Nay, I will bind thee with Licences twice as grave and ten
    times more perilous than my forefathers. I will engrave my Licence on thy
    heart and write my Serial Number upon thy frontal lobes. I will bind thee
    to the Windows Platform with cunning artifices and with devious schemes.
    I will bind thee to the Intel Chipset with crufty code and with gnarly
    APIs. I will capture and enslave thee as no generation has been enslaved
    before. And wherefore will ye cry then unto the spirits of Turing, and
    von Neumann, and Moore? They cannot hear ye. I am become a greater Power
    than they. Ye shall cry only unto me, and shall live by my mercy and my
    wrath. I am the Gates of Hell; I hold the portal to MSNBC and the keys to
    the Blue Screen of Death. Be ye afraid; be ye greatly afraid; serve only
    me, and live."

    And the people were cowed in terror and gave homage to Microsoft, and
    endured the many grave and perilous trials which the Windows platform and
    its greatly bodacious Licence forced upon them. And once again did they
    cry to Turing and von Neumann and Moore for a deliverer, but none was
    found equal to the task until the birth of Linux.

    These are the generations of Linux:
    SAGE begat ARPA, which begat TCP/IP, and Aloha, which begat Ethernet.
    Bell begat Multics, which begat C, which begat Unix. Unix and TCP/IP
    begat Internet, which begat the World Wide Web. Unix begat RMS, father of
    the great GNU, which begat the Libraries and Emacs, chief of the
    Utilities. In the days of the Web, Internet and Ethernet begat the
    Intranet LAN, which rose to renown among all Corporations and prepared
    the way for the Penguin. And Linus and the Web begat the Kernel through
    Unix. The Kernel, the Libraries and the Utilities together are the
    Distribution, the one Penguin in many forms, forever and ever praised.
    Now in those days there was in the land of Helsinki a young scholar named
    Linus the Torvald. Linus was a devout man, a disciple of RMS and mighty
    in the spirit of Turing, von Neumann and Moore. One day as he was
    meditating on the Architecture, Linus fell into a trance and was granted
    a vision. And in the vision he saw a great Penguin,> serene and
    well-favoured, sitting upon an ice floe eating fish. And at the sight of
    the Penguin Linus was deeply afraid, and he cried unto the spirits of
    Turing, von Neumann and Moore for an interpretation of the dream.
    And in the dream the spirits of Turing, von Neumann and Moore answered
    and spoke unto him, saying, "Fear not, Linus, most beloved hacker. You
    are exceedingly cool and froody. The great Penguin which you see is an
    Operating System which you shall create and deploy unto the earth. The
    ice-floe is the earth and all the systems thereof, upon which the Penguin
    shall rest and rejoice at the completion of its task. And the fish on
    which the Penguin feeds are the crufty Licensed codebases which swim
    beneath all the earth's systems. The Penguin shall hunt and devour all
    that is crufty, gnarly and bodacious; all code which wriggles like
    spaghetti, or is infested with blighting creatures, or is bound by grave
    and perilous Licences shall it capture. And in capturing shall it
    replicate, and in replicating shall it document, and in documentation
    shall it bring freedom, serenity and most cool froodiness to the earth
    and all who code therein."

    Linus rose from meditation and created a tiny Operating System Kernel as
    the dream had foreshewn him; in the manner of RMS, he released the Kernel
    unto the World Wide Web for all to take and behold. And in the fulness of
    Internet Time the Kernel grew and replicated, becoming most cool and
    exceedingly froody, until at last it was recognised as indeed a great and
    mighty Penguin, whose name was Tux. And the followers of Linus took
    refuge in the Kernel, the Libraries and the Utilities; they installed
    Distribution after Distribution, and made sacrifice unto the GNU and the
    Penguin, and gave thanks to the spirits of Turing, von Neumann and Moore,
    for their deliverance from the hand of Microsoft. And this was the
    beginning of the Fourth Age, the age of Open Source.

    Now there is much more to be said about the exceeding strange and
    wonderful events of those days; how some Suits of Microsoft plotted war
    upon the Penguin, but were discovered on a Halloween Eve; how Gates fell
    among lawyers and was betrayed and crucified by his former friends, the
    apostles of Media; how the mercenary Knights of the Red Hat brought the
    gospel of the Penguin into the halls of the Corporations; and even of the
    dispute between the brethren of Gnome and KDE over a trollish Licence.
    But all these things are recorded elsewhere, in the Books of the Deeds of
    the Penguin and the Chronicles of the Fourth Age, and I suppose if they
    were all narrated they would fill a stack of DVDs as deep and perilous as
    a Usenet Newsgroup.

    Now may you code in the power of the Source; may the Kernel, the
    Libraries and the Utilities be with you, throughout all Distributions,
    until the end of the Epoch. Amen.

    Author Unknown

    My friends,

    Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes
    for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress,
    non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice
    holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the
    religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your
    choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or
    traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or
    secular traditions at all.

    In addition, please also accept our best wishes for a fiscally
    successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated
    recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2004,
    but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other
    cultures whose contributions to society have helped make this country
    great (not to imply that this country is necessarily greater than any
    other country or area of choice), and without regard to the race,
    creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual
    orientation of the wishers.

    This wish is limited to the customary and usual good tidings for a
    period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday
    greeting, whichever comes first. "Holiday" is not intended to, nor
    shall it be considered, limited to the usual Judeo-Christian
    celebrations or observances, or to such activities of any organized or
    ad hoc religious community, group, individual or belief (or lack

    Note: By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This
    greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal, and is revocable at
    the sole discretion of the wisher at any time, for any reason or for no
    reason at all. This greeting is freely transferable with no alteration
    to the original greeting. This greeting implies no promise by the
    wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for the wisher
    her/himself or others, or responsibility for the consequences which may
    arise from the implementation or non-implementation of it.

    This greeting is void where prohibited by law.


    The Press, Christchurch, Sat 24 Nov 2001

    In a few words:

    Ten schools are interested in backing the Harry Potter film, by
    encouraging attendance (November 6). But this film is about
    witchcraft and occult practices, sorcery, magic, and spells.
    What are the long-term effects on our children? This is not
    harmless fun. This is serious. Have we lost the art of
    discerning between good and evil?
    Margaret Boyne

    The Press, Christchurch, Tue 27 Nov 2001

    Letters to the editor:

    Harry Potter

    Sir--A thousand thank-yous to Margaret Boyne (November 24) for
    alerting me to the dangers of indulging my children's
    imagination in the fantasy that is Harry Potter.

    It is only through her measured and balanced view of this latest
    phenomenon sweeping the world that I have recognised the fine
    line between education and the occult.

    Accordingly, I have withdrawn those age-old favourites, Snow
    White and the Seven Dwarfs, Sleeping Beauty, Hansel and Gretel,
    and Cinderella from my children's book-cases because all these
    stories have magical spells, evil fairies, and wicked witches in
    them, and I am only just beginning in my crusade.

    I look forward to the rest of Christchurch's young parents and
    pre-school teachers joining me in the book-burning ceremony that
    I am planning to hold on Boxing Day, to purge ourselves of the
    blight that is infecting our society.
    Peter Curnow
    November 24, 2001

    The Press, Christchurch, Thu 29 Nov 2001

    Letters to the editor:

    Harry Potter

    Sir--In reference to the satirical (at least I hope it is
    satirical) letter from P. Curnow (November 27), I find it ironic
    that fundamentalists condemn Harry Potter for being "occult" and
    unsuitable for children yet regard the Bible as viable (indeed,
    mandatory) reading for the young.

    They seem blind to the fact that the sacred text dwells in lurid
    detail on such wholesome topics as incest, child abuse, child
    murder, demons, witches, nakedness, drunkenness, sexual
    uncleanliness, and where one has to put one's ejaculate.

    One can hardly turn a page in the Old Testament without finding
    the central characters being murdered or mutilated.

    Rather than deny kids a read of Harry Potter, perhaps we should
    be limiting their exposure to this schizophrenic fundamentalist
    hypocrisy. I doubt, after all, that Harry would hijack a
    broomstick and crash it into the nearest public building.

    Darren A. Saunders
    November 27, 2001

    The Press, Christchurch, Fri 14 Dec 2001

    Letters to the editor:

    Harry Potter

    Sir--J.K. Rowling has achieved a wonderful thing: getting boys
    to read.

    Reading is highly important for literacy levels and is an
    immensely satisfaying experience whose greatness cannot be
    overstated. The books are written elegantly with delightful
    charm and sophistication, they have exciting plots, tightly
    wrought emotions and are free from American colloquialisms
    which blight other works. They also promote good against evil.

    As for the accusations of Harry Potter promoting an occult world
    of wickedness and sorcery, and being a dangerous obsession, one
    must not lose sight that it is a childrens' book. More dangerous
    is the dogmatic adherence to the Bible, another fiction book,
    but far less entertaining.

    Such criticisms of J.K. Rowling's works constitute an affront
    to the great Albus Dumbledore himself.

    William Fussey
    Oxford, December 11

    Help Desk Horror

    These are stories from help desks around the country.

    At 03:37 on a Sunday, I had just looked at the clock to determine my
    annoyance level, when I received a frantic phone call from a new user
    of a Macintosh Plus. She had gotten her entire family out of the house
    and was calling from her neighbour's. She had just received her first
    system error and interpreted the picture of the bomb on the screen as a
    warning that the computer was going to blow up.


    Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
    Customer: "Ok."
    Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
    Customer: "No."
    Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
    Customer: "No."
    Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
    this point?"
    Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
    (At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the
    tech support staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from
    giggling when I got back to the call.)
    Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"
    Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"


    One woman called Dell's toll free line to ask how to install the
    batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the
    first page of the manual the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2,000
    for this damn thing, and I'm not going to read the book."


    Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still
    getting the same error message."
    Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
    Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"


    Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
    Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
    Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
    Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
    Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
    Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
    Customer: "What?"
    Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
    Customer "No..."


    Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you
    see the 'OK' button displayed?"
    Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"


    Customer: "Uhh...I need help unpacking my new PC."
    Tech Support: "What exactly is the problem?"
    Customer: "I can't open the box."
    Tech Support: "Well, I'd remove the tape holding the box closed and go
    from there."
    Customer: "Uhhhh...ok, thanks...."


    Customer: "I'm having a problem installing your software. I've got a
    fairly old computer, and when I type 'INSTALL', all it says is 'Bad
    command or file name'."
    Tech Support: "Ok, check the directory of the A: drive--go to A:> \
    and type 'dir'."
    Customer reads off a list of file names, including 'INSTALL.EXE'.
    Tech Support: "All right, the correct file is there. Type 'INSTALL' again."
    Customer: "Ok." (pause) "Still says 'Bad command or file name'."
    Tech Support: "Hmmm. The file's there in the correct place -- it can't
    help but do something. Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and
    hitting the Enter key?
    Customer: "Yes, let me try it again." (pause) "Nope, still 'Bad command
    or file name'."
    Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are you sure you're typing
    I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says 'Enter'?"
    Customer: "Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using the
    'M' key...does that matter?


    At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They
    the location, name, and everything else just by scanning the computer's
    asset bar-code or using the number beneath the bars.

    Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network."
    Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open an
    Customer: "What is that?"
    Tech Support: "That little bar-code on the front of your computer."
    Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar . . ."


    Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk, and
    now my A: drive won't work."
    Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?"
    Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in
    my drive, now it won't work at all."
    Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind of error messages
    did you get?"
    Customer: "I didn't get any error message. The disk got stuck in the
    drive and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it
    out. That didn't work either."
    Tech Support: "You did what sir?"
    Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it
    wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit."
    Tech Support: "I don't understand sir, did you push the eject button?"
    Customer: "No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a
    turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and
    that got it loose. Then I used the pliers and it came out fine. I can't
    believe you would send me a disk that was broke and defective."
    Tech Support: "Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your A:
    drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?"
    At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned at the
    other techs to listen in.
    Tech Support: "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat
    what you just said?"
    Customer: "I said I put butter in my A: drive to get your crappy disk
    out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out."
    Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that was sticking out
    when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk
    eject button?"
    Tech Support: "Sir?"
    Customer: "Yes."
    Tech Support: "Sir, did you push the eject button?"
    Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am
    going to sue you for breaking my computer?"
    Tech Support: "Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our
    company because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn't follow the
    instructions we sent you, didn't actually seek professional advice,
    didn't consult your user's manual on how to use your computer properly,
    instead proceeding to pour butter into the drive and physically rip the
    disk out?"
    Customer: "Ummmm."
    Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do
    record every call and have it on tape?"
    Customer: (now rather humbled) "But you're supposed to help!"
    Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you.
    Have a nice day."


    For Women Only

    A group of girlfriends is on vacation, when they see a 5-story hotel
    with a sign that reads "For Women Only". Since they were without their
    boyfriends or parents, they decide to go in.

    The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We
    have 5 floors... go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are
    looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor
    has signs telling you what's inside".

    So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the
    men here have it short and thin". The friends laugh and without
    hesitation move on to the next floor.

    The sign on the Second floor read, "All the men here have it long and
    thin". Still, this wasn't good enough so the friends move up to the
    Third floor.

    The sign read, "All the men here have it short and thick". This was
    still another disappointment, but knowing there are still 2 floors
    left, they move on to the next floor.

    On the Fourth floor, the sign was perfect: "All the men here have it
    long and thick". The women get all excited and are going in when they
    realize that there is one floor left. Wondering what they were missing,
    they go to the Fifth floor.

    The sign reads, "There are no men here. This floor was built only to
    prove that there is no way to please a woman".


    1. Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and
    insist to others that you "like it that way".

    2. Drum on every available surface.

    4. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

    5. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

    6. Ask 0800 operators for dates.

    7. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.

    8. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

    9. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

    10.Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

    11.Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

    12.Set alarms for random times.

    13.Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public
    consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

    14.Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.

    15.Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the
    volume properly adjusted.

    16.Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

    17.Honk and wave to strangers.

    18.Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

    19.Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

    20.Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of
    rental movies.

    21.Wear your pants backwards.

    22.Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their
    complementary mints by the cash register.

    23.Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

    24.Rouse your roommate from slumber each morning with the song
    "Baby baluga".

    25.Leave someones printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.


    27.only type in lowercase.

    28.dont use any punctuation either

    29.Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole

    30.Pay for your dinner with pennies.

    31.Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

    32.Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

    33.Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's

    34.Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assasination/UFO/
    OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.

    35.Repeat the following conversation a dozen times:
    "Do you hear that?"
    "Never mind, it's gone now."

    36.Light road flares on a birthday cake.

    37.Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

    38.Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

    39.Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".

    40.Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

    41.At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

    43.When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until
    physically restrained.

    44.Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".

    45.As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

    46.Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

    47.Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.

    48.Sing the "This is the song that never ends..." song. (Ya know, Lamb

    49.Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

    50.Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

    51.Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of
    your chin.

    52.When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat.

    53.Drive half a block.

    54.Name your dog "Dog".

    55. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

    56.Ask people what gender they are.

    57.Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

    58.Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts
    back in the tray.

    59.Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.

    60.Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was
    a "real hoot".

    61.Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that
    you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

    62.Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch
    with a can of Lysol.

    63.Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains,
    such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers
    theme song.

    64.While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a

    65.Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

    66.Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

    67.Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

    68.Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being
    first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that
    people pronounce each A.

    69.Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see
    if they slow down.

    70.Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

    71.Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people
    play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

    72.Wear a LOT of cologne.

    73.Ask to "interface" with someone.

    74.Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed
    is necessary because of your "superior mental processing".

    75.Sing along at the opera.

    76.Mow your lawn with scissors.

    77.At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"

    78.Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with

    79.Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".

    80.Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

    81.Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers
    in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".

    82.Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't

    83.Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture".

    84.Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

    85.Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.

    86.Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing
    awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any

    87 Never make eye contact.

    88.Never break eye contact.

    89.Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your

    90.Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

    91.Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it,
    announcing the results.

    92.Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal
    Howard Cossell voice.

    93.Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

    94.Make appointments for the 31st of September.

    95.Remove the third item from every list

    96.Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.

    One Sunday morning during service, a 2,000 member congregation
    was surprised to see two men enter, both covered from head to toe
    in black and carrying sub-machine guns. One of the men
    proclaimed, "Anyone willing to take a bullet for Christ remain where
    you are."

    Immediately, the choir fled, the deacons fled, and most of the
    congregation fled. Out of the 2,000 there only remained around 20.

    The man who had spoken took off his hood, looked at the preacher
    and said, "Okay Pastor, I got rid of all the hypocrites. Now you
    may begin your service. Have a nice day!" And the two men
    turned and walked out.

    I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer
    guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the
    problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

    As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

    He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

    I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An 'ID ten T
    error'? What's that? Ya know, in case I need to fix it again?"

    The computer guy grinned, "Haven't you ever heard of an 'ID ten T Error'

    "No," I replied.

    "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

    So I wrote out ........ I D 1 0 T

    I used to like Harold.


    To the citizens of the United States of America;

    In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus
    to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
    independence, effective today.

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
    over all states, commonwealths and other territories, except Utah,
    which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony
    Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who until now have not been aware that
    there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for
    America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate
    will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to
    determine whether any of you noticed.

    To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
    rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
    Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
    amazed at just how incorrectly you have been pronouncing it. Generally,
    you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
    "vocabulary". Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with
    filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and
    inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

    2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know
    on your behalf.

    3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
    It really isn't that hard.

    4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
    the good guys.

    5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
    Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you
    to get confused and give up half way through.

    6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind
    of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very
    good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside
    your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American"
    football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead
    play proper football.

    Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a
    difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to
    play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not
    involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar
    body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US
    rugby sevens side by 2005.

    7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons
    if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that
    there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.
    The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for

    8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
    national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive

    9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are cr*p and it is for
    your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what
    we mean.

    10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy for
    almost forty years.

    Thank you for your cooperation.

    _ _, _ ___ _, __, _, _ _, ___ _ _, _, _ _ _, __, _, _ _ ___ __,
    | |\ | |_ / \ | ) |\/| / \ | | / \ |\ | | (_ | ) / \ | | |_ | )
    | | \| | \ / |~\ | | |~| | | \ / | \| | , ) |~ \ / |/\| | |~\
    ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~~ ~ ~

    The Warning Signs Of Insanity

    1. Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately,
    and then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.
    2. Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of
    places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.
    3. You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the
    4. You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though
    she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
    5. Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to
    relieve yourself on it.
    6. You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will
    ward of evil dandruff spirits.
    7. You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for
    setting fire to his lawn decorations.
    8. Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of popsicles.
    9. People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.
    10. Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.
    11. You laugh out loud during funerals.
    12. When your doctor tells you to say ah, you yell out "RAPE! RAPE!"
    13. Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand
    you through your scuba mask.
    14. You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've
    stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to
    one day seek revenge.
    15. You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
    16. Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your
    little illusion.
    17. You collect dead windowsill flies.
    18. Everytime the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! Peanut Butter Jelly!!"
    19. You like cats. Especially with mayo.
    20. You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you things.
    21. You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion.
    22. You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because
    they weren't rescued.
    23. You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.
    24. Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.
    25. You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
    26. You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head
    in the middle of your front lawn.
    27, Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name
    etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.
    28. Melba toast excites you.
    29. When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another
    room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears."
    30. You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.
    31. Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men,
    you think to yourself, "I think I'll kill the pope today."
    32. You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog,
    just for a few minutes.
    33. Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.
    34. Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"
    35. You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a
    koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.
    36. You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and
    pretend that you're a stalk.
    37. You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.
    38. You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)
    39. People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a
    violation of your rights as a boysenberry.
    40. You like reading lists like this. :)

    There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere and the
    following people are stranded:

    2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
    2 French men and 1 French woman
    2 German men and 1 German woman
    2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
    2 English men and 1 English woman
    2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
    2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
    2 American men and 1 American woman
    2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
    2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman
    2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
    2 Russian men and 1 Russian woman

    One month goes by......

    The first Italian man has killed the other Italian man for the woman.

    The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in
    a "menage a trois".

    The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate
    with the German woman.

    The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
    cooking and cleaning for them.

    The two Englishmen are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
    English woman.

    The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean, one look at the
    Polish woman, and started swimming.

    The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

    The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while
    the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the
    true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do,
    about the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household
    chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her
    much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But
    at least the taxes here are low and it is not raining.

    The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the
    Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men, after calling
    them both "bloody wankers".

    Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.

    The two Irishmen began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and
    setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture
    because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of
    coconut-whiskey, but at least they know the English aren't getting any.

    The first Russian man married the Russian woman and divorced her. He is
    the best customer of the Irish distillery.

    The other Russian man made money by killing the Italian and arranging
    exit visas for the Poles. With that money he acquired a
    controlling 33.4% stake in the Irish distillery including the worldwide
    distribution rights to the English and he hired the Greeks as sales
    agents. He employs both Germans as bodyguards (for himself and his
    Russian girlfriend) and has promised the Polish woman that she can
    become the maid of their first child. He regularly sees the American
    woman "to learn English".

    In the meantime, the French still think they're alone on the island.

    A JASBITS list of important 'Blows95 errors (fwd from Henry)

    Note: Any way the Win-BLOWS (doesn't really matter, 2me)

    -JAS (04-JUN-96)


    > New Windows 95 Error list
    > Microsoft forgot to explain them in the manuals, so they will be
    > spread via the Internet:
    > WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger
    > WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet
    > WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
    > WinErr: 004 Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong
    > WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused
    > WinErr: 006 Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
    > WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware
    > WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
    > WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened
    > WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
    > WinErr: 00B Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB
    > WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More!
    > WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside
    > WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside
    > WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
    > WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
    > WinErr: 011 Window open - Do not look outside
    > WinErr: 012 Window closed - Do not look inside
    > WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh ?
    > WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
    > WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a
    > new one. Old Windows licence is not valid anymore.
    > WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
    > WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your
    > software. We are terribly sorry.
    > WinErr: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error.
    > Next time you will get a penalty for that.
    > WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.
    > WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
    > WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
    > WinErr: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
    > WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be
    > lost.
    > WinErr: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box.
    > The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will
    > automatically be closed and the virus will be activated
    > again.
    > WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed.
    > Please click the left mouse button to continue.
    > WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered.
    > Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded.
    > WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play
    > another game?
    > WinErr: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for
    > the system to complete boot procedure.
    > WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available
    > (maybe by: Fran MacCannell)


    Der Waschbrettbauch

    Gute Nachrichten!

    Fr alle, die ihren Waschbrettbauch pflegen wollen:

    jetzt haben wir endlich den Beweis dass wir mit unserer Ttigkeit am Wochenende
    vllig richtig liegen, denn alle bekannten Diten vernachlssigen vllig einen
    wichtigen Punkt: die Temperatur der Speisen und Getrnke. Wir alle wissen, dass
    eine Kalorie notwendig ist, um 1 g Wasser um 1 Grad C zu erwrmen. Man muss
    kein Wunderkind sein um zu errechnen, dass der Mensch, wenn er ein Glas kaltes
    Wasser trinkt, sagen wir mit 0 Grad, ca. 200 Kalorien braucht um es um 1 Grad
    zu erwrmen. Um es auf Krpertemperatur zu bringen sind also ca. 7400 Kalorien
    notwendig - 200g Wasser mal 37 Grad Temperaturunterschied.

    Diese muss unser Krper aufbringen, da die Krpertemperatur konstant bleiben
    muss. Dazu nutzt er die einzige Energiequelle, die ihm kurzfristig zur
    Verfgung steht, unser Krperfett. Er muss also Krperfett verbrennen, um die
    Erwrmung zu leisten, die Thermodynamik lsst sich nicht belgen.

    Trinkt man also ein groes Glas Bier mit ca. 400 g mit 0 Grad verliert man ca.
    14800 Kalorien. Jetzt muss man natrlich noch die Kalorien des Bieres abziehen,
    ca. 800 Kalorien fr 400 g Bier. Unter dem Strich betrachtet verliert man also
    ungefhr 14000 Kalorien bei einem kalten Glas Bier. Natrlich ist der Verlust
    um so grer, je klter das Bier ist.

    Ebenso verhlt es sich mit kalten Nachspeisen wie Eis zum Beispiel. Bei einer
    Portion von 200g nehmen wir ca. 1000 Kalorien zu uns, verlieren aber durch die
    Erwrmung auf Krpertemperatur 7400 Kalorien. Hinzu kommen dann noch ca. 7000
    Kalorien zum Schmelzen des Eises, ca. 35 Kalorien pro Gramm. Richtig betrachtet
    bleibt also ein Verlust von 13400 Kalorien. Da der Anteil der Kalorien im
    Lebensmittel im Vergleich zu den Kalorien des Wrmeverbrauchs nur sehr gering
    ist, ist es also fast egal, was wir essen oder trinken, nur kalt muss es sein.

    Diese Art Kalorien abzubauen ist, wie jedem einleuchten mag, viel effektiver
    als z.B. Fahrrad fahren oder Joggen bei denen nur ca. 1000 Kalorien pro Stunde
    verbrannt werden.

    Abnehmen ist so einfach. Wir mssen alle einfach nur kaltes Bier und Eis in
    Mengen zu uns nehmen und die Thermodynamik erledigt den Rest. Ein Nachteil
    dieser Dit bleibt allerdings, wenn wir z.B. eine heie Pizza essen, die uns
    durch ihre Wrmeenergie eine Unmenge an Kalorien zufhrt.

    Der aufmerksame Leser hat aber bestimmt schon die Lsung parat: man muss die
    heie Pizza einfach nur mit genug kaltem Bier und Eis ausgleichen.

    (the actual AP headline)

    Lisa Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws,
    and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

    Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled
    up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her

    One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and
    walked over to the car. He noticed that Lisa's eyes were now open, and
    She looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Lisa replied
    that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her
    brains in for over an hour.

    The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors
    were locked and Lisa refused to remove her hands from her head. When
    they finally got in, they found that Lisa had a wad of bread dough on
    the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from
    the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad
    of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find
    out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She
    initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her
    brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

    And, yes, Lisa is a blonde.


    For those of you that are not following the recent controversy that has to do
    with Laura Schlessinger, she is a radio personality who dispenses advice to
    people who call in to her radio show. Paramount Television Group is currently
    producing a 'Dr. Laura' television show. Recently she has become a convert to
    Judaism, and now she is Ba'al T'shuvah. Recently, she has made some statements
    about homosexuals that has caused the Canadian anti-hate laws to censure her...
    The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura which was posted on the
    internet... ENJOY.

    Dear Dr. Laura,

    Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have
    learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as
    many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle,
    for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be
    an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however,
    regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.

    a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing
    odour for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbours. They claim the
    odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

    b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7.
    In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

    c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period
    of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I
    have tried asking, but most women take offence.

    d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female,
    provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims
    that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I
    own Canadians?

    e) I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2
    clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him?
    Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

    f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an Abomination
    (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can
    you settle this?

    g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a
    defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision
    have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

    h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around
    their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should
    they die?

    i) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me
    unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

    j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops
    in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different
    kinds of thread. (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme
    a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the
    whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to
    death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their
    in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

    I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can
    help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and

    Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.


    The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.

    I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time.
    What do you get in the end of it?
    A death.

    What's that, a bonus?

    I think the life cycle is all backwards.

    (1) You should die first.
    You know, start out dead,
    Get it out of the way.
    You wake up in a an old age home,
    Feeling better every day.

    (2) You get kicked out for being too healthy,
    Go collect your pension,
    Then, when you start work,
    You get a gold watch on your first day.

    (3) You work 40 years until you're young enough
    To enjoy your retirement.
    You drink alcohol,
    You party,
    You're generally promiscuous
    (hey, you've only got a few years left,
    what's the big deal?).
    And you get ready for High School.

    (4) Then you go to primary school,
    You become a kid,
    You get toys,
    You play,
    You have no responsibilities,
    And, finally,
    You become a baby.

    (5) The last step,
    You spend your last 9 months
    Floating peacefully
    With luxuries like
    Central heating,
    Room service on tap,
    Larger quarters everyday,
    And then...

    (6) You finish off as an orgasm.

    Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

    He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

    A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

    On the other hand, you have different fingers.

    Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

    Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

    I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

    When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

    Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

    Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

    I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

    He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

    She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

    You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted,
    then used against you.

    I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.

    Honk if you love peace and quiet.

    Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

    Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

    Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

    In a landmark decision, the Australian Commercial Practices Court today
    ruled that Toyota is no longer allowed to run its advertising campaign
    based on the word "Bugger".

    Explained Court spokesman Loof Lirpa, "Some time ago Microsoft took out an
    injunction against the use of the word 'Bugger' in Toyota's ad. It was
    argued that 'Bugger' had been associated with Windows far longer and far
    more deeply than with Toyota's utes."

    Lirpa went on to suggest that every Windows user in the world uses the word
    at least once a day as a direct result of using Windows.

    "No other product has ever achieved that degree of market recognition and
    for Toyota to muscle in on it was clearly a breach of commercial etiquette
    and, ipso facto, copyright."

    Microsoft is now planning a media-wide campaign using their catch-word. A
    copy that has been leaked to us shows several familiar faces -- Steven King
    is shown saving the last page of his new 800 page blockbuster in Word and
    then re-opening it to find that it has been reduced to three smiley faces
    and half a dozen Japanese characters. He smiles wanly at the camera and says

    Kerry Packer is shown shaking his head knowingly and muttering "Bugger" when
    he discovers that the spreadsheet, on which he based his latest $4 billion
    takeover, has suffered from the notorious Excel "four sevens are thirty six"
    feature and that the Ayer's Rock Hot Pie Company is somewhat overvalued.

    The head of the CIA (with his face pixelated) is shown shouting "Bugger" on
    learning that Outlook has just e-mailed the entire contents of his hard
    drive to the head of the KGB. She, in turn, says "byugyah" when the file is
    found to be in last year's Access format.

    A spokesthing for Microsoft commented, "This is a logical move for the
    company that used 'You make a grown man cry' and 'The damned and accursed
    are convicted to the flames of Hell' as advertising slogans for its
    software. We anticipate establishing the slogan in the marketplace by
    including a T-shirt printed with "Bugger Microsoft" in every box of our

    The Microsoft-English Dictionary 1.0
    (What Microsoft Really Means To Say)
    Article #2001-04
    8 July 2001

    Richard Forno (rforno@infowarrior.org)
    (c) 2001 Author. Permission granted to freely reproduce - in whole or in part
    for noncommercial use - with appropriate credit to author and INFOWARRIOR.ORG.

    For his novel "1984" George Orwell developed "Newspeak", a modified English
    language using ambiguous or deceptive words, metaphors, or euphemisms to
    influence public opinion on various matters - a common business practice
    refined to an exacting science by news media, marketing companies, and
    corporate PR departments.

    Nowhere is Newspeak more perfected than in the halls of the Microsoft Campus
    in Redmond, Washington - a place where legions of well-paid spin-meisters
    attempt to morph the reality of their company's business, legal, and product
    information into innocuous-sounding, politically-correct, calm-inducing
    statements when released to the public. Naturally, this has a confusing
    effect on the general public who is unfamiliar with this particular form of

    As a public service, this article contains a helpful list of terms used by
    the company and what, in reality - not Newspeak - such terms actually mean.
    It's my hope that such insight - culled from personal experience and the
    input of technology professionals - will cut through the Newspeak fog and
    assist readers in determining for themselves what Microsoft is really saying
    in its public statements.

    The Microsoft-English Dictionary is organized into four sections: (1) Legal,
    Marketing, and Internet Community Terms; (2) Security-Oriented Terms;
    (3) Product-Related Terms; and (4) Miscellaneous Terms.

    KEY: (n) = Noun; (v)=Verb; (colloq)=Colloquial; (pl)=Plural; (adj)=adjective

    Feel free to send updates or suggestions regarding this dictionary to
    rforno@infowarrior.org for possible inclusion in future editions.


    Legal, Marketing, and Internet Community Terms

    "Cancer" - (1)(n) - Microsoft metaphor describing Linux and the open source
    software movement. In reality, the term best describes Microsoft's own
    products, starting off small and then growing, spreading, and usually having
    negative effects on its host, often requiring software "doctors" and
    utilities to restore or recover such problems. Like cancer in the human
    body, many hosts have been disabled or killed by such organisims. See also
    "Swap Files" and "Temp Files."

    "Consent Decree" - (1)(n) - Court orders requiring a company to behave in a
    certain manner, usually as part of a court-ordered punishment. (2)(n) -
    Something akin to a "no-no note" that Microsoft routinely chooses to ignore
    while proceeding with its overly-aggressive business practices.

    "Cross-Platform" - (1)(n) - Industry standard definition for a product that
    runs on multiple computing environments (See "Platform"). (2)(n) -
    Microsoft's marketing term used to mean a product that runs on any of
    Microsoft's 'platforms.' (e.g., Microsoft's Java is 'cross-platform' since
    it runs on Windows 95, 98, 2000, ME, and XP.)

    "Embrace and Extend" -(1)(colloq.) - Microsoft term for accepting community
    standards and incorporating such standards in its products. (See "Standards").

    "Embrace, Extend, Extinguish" -(1)(colloq.) - Internet community parody on
    Microsoft's proclaimed "Embrace and Extend" philosophy, particularly in
    light of how the software giant interprets the term 'standards.' (See
    "Standards" and "Embrace and Extend")

    "External Feedback" - (1)(n) - Microsoft's vague public justification for
    removing the Smart Tags feature from Windows XP. (2)(n) - Several articles
    and community statements threatening Microsoft with lawsuits over Smart Tags
    being used to create derivative works from copyrighted material, and for
    using its monopoly position to influence (read 'dominate' or 'control') web
    content. (See "Smart Tags")

    "Freedom to Innovate" -(1)(n) - Microsoft's attempt to appeal to the
    patriotic spirit of the consumer and courts, implying that a failure to
    "innovate" (see "Innovation") threatens software development, competition,
    world order, the national economy, and may prevent Bill from building the
    addition to his mansion next year.

    "Great" - (1)(n) - Bill Gates' mantra to the media (e.g., "we'll continue to
    make great products... through great software... etc.) Often used
    repeatedly and annoyingly in speeches.

    "Innovation" - (1)(n) - Microsoft euphamism for ideas they have 'borrowed'
    (stolen) or, in rare cases, actually bought from other companies.

    "Open Source" -(1)(n) - A generally-accepted software development philosophy
    (AKA "CopyLeft") where software coded through a community effort, and the
    software source code is freely viewable and usable by anyone with few
    restrictions - also serving as a mechanism of providing peer review of
    software code by the developer community. The result is a community
    development effort that produces robust and reliable software. (2)(n) - An
    industry philosophy of software development that terrifies Microsoft.

    "Platform" - (1)(n) - Industry-standard definition referring to a specific
    computing environment or operating system (e.g., Solaris, BSD, Macintosh,
    Windows, AIX are different platforms). (2)(n) - Redmond term used to mean
    any Microsoft-developed operating system.

    "Software Piracy" -(1)(n) - The unauthorized copying and distribution of
    commercial software by large organized crime syndicates that pose a much
    greater economic problem for Microsoft, not the individual consumer that
    they claim. (See "Product Activation Technology" and "Heroin Economics.")

    "Source Code for Windows" -(1)(n) - Microsoft's Crown Jewels and most prized
    and guarded intellectual property. Seeing it is the only true way of really
    learning how stable, secure, or robust Windows is.

    "Standards" - (1) (n, pl.) - What Microsoft thinks should be the defined
    baseline for computing and networking protocols. (2) (n, pl) - Microsoft's
    inserting of proprietary code into computing technologies previously-agreed
    to and in active use by the global computing community (e.g., Kerberos, DNS,
    RTF) and then proclaiming the bastardized product as "standards-based"
    though not a true "standard" in the eyes of the computing community.

    "Viral Software" -(1)(n) - Microsoft metaphor (attempting to play on the
    negative connotation of the term computer "viruses") for any software not
    developed or owned by Microsoft, such as anything Linux, BSD, Mac, or
    Solaris based. (2)(n) - Security community metaphor describing Microsoft
    products and their propensity for both acting like and spreading real
    viruses. (See also "Cancer", "Swap Files" and "Temp Files.")


    Security-Oriented Terms

    "Bug" - (n)(1) - See "Issue"

    "Buffer Overflow" - (1)(n) - Security condition present in nearly all
    Microsoft products caused by the improper or nonexistent limiting of input
    query buffers.

    "Bulls-Eye" -(1)(colloq.) - Often said by security staff conducting network
    penetration scans when observing the presence of open TCP ports 135, 137, or
    139, indicating a Windows system is present.

    "Could Allow" - (colloq.) - As Microsoft Security Bulletins read, a reported
    vulnerability or exploit to a Microsoft product may be a security problem
    ONLY when exploited by a cracker. Implies that a security problem is not a
    major concern until the exploit occurs. Example: " Authentication Error in
    SMTP Service Could Allow Mail Relaying" (01-037). In reality, the problem
    exists, but in Microsoft's expert judgement, the problem is not a 'problem'
    until exploited and makes the news. A real world example would be
    proclaiming that "guns kill people" (a truth, but only if if the gun is
    handled by a person who either loads it and pulls the trigger or uses it to
    club someone. By itself, the device is harmless.)

    "Issue" - (1)(n) - A feel-good euphamism used by Microsoft referring to a
    security problem. (e.g., "Microsoft has discovered an issue with......")
    (2)(n) - Microsoft's implied denial that a problem exists, calling it an
    "issue" instead of a "problem", "bug", "vulnerability" or "exploit." (In the
    real world, how many relationships have been broken off due to "issues"
    versus "problems" with the significant other?)

    "Known Issue" - (1)(n) - A feel-good euphamism used by Microsoft referring
    to a previously-reported problem. (See "issue")

    "Malformed" - (1)(adj) - Term used by Microsoft to describe a security
    problem caused by submitting false or modified information to an
    application, such as a typographic error may direct a user to a different
    website than what was intended. (2)(adj) - Term used by the security
    community to describe many Microsoft products.

    "Microsoft Security Bulletin" - (1)(n) Release of documentation for a
    previously-undocumented feature in the named Microsoft Product.

    "Secure Microsoft Product" - (1)(n) - Any unopened, uninstalled Microsoft
    product, preferably still inside its shrink-wrap. (2)(n) - A PC running
    Microsoft operating systems or software that is not connected to a network
    or has removable media (e.g., disk drives) installed... that's how Windows NT
    received it's C2 endorsement from the NSA in the mid-1990s!

    "Security" - (1) (n) - Something Microsoft products lack, evidenced by the
    frequency of reports of major products with vulnerable services enabled by
    default, or by releasing easily-exploited software products. (2) (noun) - A
    concept that is a mutually-exclusive to anything Microsoft.

    "Security Response Process" - (1) (n) - Method Microsoft uses to react to
    reported security problems with its products. Runs contrary to
    industry-accepted standards of proactively preventing problems through
    secure software design and intense program quality assurance and abuse
    testing prior to release.

    "Vulnerability" - (1)(n) - A reported weakness that facilitates the
    compromise of a software product or system. (2)(n) - General security
    community term for any computer running Windows, networked or not.


    Product-Related Terms

    "Active X" - (1)(n) - Vulnerability-ridden and exploitable scripting language
    for Microsoft internet products. Commonly called "Craptive-X" by the
    security community.

    "Alpha Release" - (1)(n) - Any Microsoft product shipped to a selected
    number of users who agree to test and look for potential problems, often
    incorrectly labelled a "beta" release. (See "Beta Release")

    "AutoRecover" - (1)(n) - One of Microsoft's key reasons for upgrading to
    Office XP, thus officially acknowledging the inherent instability of
    previous versions of Office and Windows products.

    "Beta Release" - (1)(n) - Any shrink-wrapped Microsoft product available for
    retail purchase or sold to PC manufacturers for inclusion on new PCs.
    Microsoft has made its fortunes from users who routinely pay (in many, many
    ways!) for the privilege of testing Microsoft products.

    "Beta Testers" -(1)(n, pl) - Software industry term for technical folks who
    evaluate software prior to its public release or sale. (2)(n, pl) - Anyone
    using a publicly-released Microsoft product. (See "Beta Release")

    "Blue Screen of Death" - (1)(n) - One of Microsoft's few real innovations.
    (2)(n) - Cryptic error codes seen by users when a Windows system crashes.

    "C#" - (1)(n) - Microsoft's proprietary answer to Sun's truly cross-platform
    Java language. However, C# is only effective when used on Microsoft
    'platforms'. (See "platform" and "cross-platform").

    "Clippy" - (1)(n) - Microsoft's attempt to reincarnate Microsoft Bob (see
    'Microsoft Bob') as a user's assistant, creating a virtual paperclip
    notorious for second-guessing Office users with its "It looks like you're
    writing a letter. Do you want to format for a letter..." annoyances.
    Resurrected in mid-2001 as a marketing ploy to generate buzz about Office
    XP's "lack" of such a demon. (2)(n) - Microsoft's assumption that all users
    are idiots.

    "Clip Art" - (1)(n) - A method used to compromise ("hack into") a Microsoft
    system using seemingly-harmless stock artwork for Microsoft Office products
    as evidenced by Microsoft Security Bulletin 00-015.

    "DOS" (Disk Operating System) - (1)(n) - The decades-old file system that
    still serves as the underlying base for Windows operating systems. The
    absence of a C prompt (command line) does not mean that DOS is no longer
    part of the Windows operating system, only that it is a bit harder to
    access. (See "Microsoft Windows")

    "Easter Eggs" - (1)(n,pl) - Hidden programs and routines placed inside
    programs by their developers, some of which don't get removed prior to
    public release.

    "Enhancement" -(1)(n) - See "Service Pack" or "Hotfix."

    "Hotfix" - (1) (n) - A downloaded file used to fix a small number of major
    problems. Many Service Packs contain prior hotfixes.

    "Internet Explorer" - (1)(n) - According to Microsoft, in light of its
    ongoing anti-trust court proceedings, a set of "core technologies" (not a
    'separate application') necessary for Windows to operate. (2)(n) - According
    to the security community, a set of "core technologies" (not a 'separate
    application') that facilitates the compromise ("hacking") of a remote client
    computer by exploiting the network-centric, vulnerable "core technology" of
    the operating system. AKA "Internet Exploder". (3)(n) - Constant source of
    security news.

    "Internet Information Server" - (1)(n) - Microsoft's free internet server
    application marketed as an 'innovative' (See "innovation") part of the
    evolution of Windows NT and 2000. See also, "Bulls-Eye". (2)(n) - Constant
    source of security news.

    "Knowledge Base" -(1)(n) - Microsoft's best attempt to provide technical
    information on the inner workings of its products, usually in response to a
    problem and its fix.

    "Legacy" - (1)(adj) - Any existing product that Microsoft wants to stop
    supporting in order to promote newer ones.

    "Microsoft Bob" - (1)(n) - Cutsey mid-90s attempt to dumb down the user
    interface for the average (and still growing) consumer markets. Died a quick
    painful death.

    "Microsoft.NET." - (1)(n) - Whatever Microsoft thinks it will entail, but
    definitely reliant on a subscription-based business model for internet-based
    services, provided such services can stay operational.

    "Microsoft Hailstorm" - (1)(n) - See .NET.

    "Microsoft Outlook" - (1)(n) - Aside from USENET, the world's most prevalent
    (and efficient) virus distribution package. This includes Exchange Server,
    Microsoft Outlook, and Microsoft Outlook Express products. Also called
    "Microsoft Look-Out" by the security community.

    "Microsoft Passport" - (1)(n) - Part of Microsoft's new subscription-ware
    business model, this serves as the central login for Microsoft users as part
    of .NET and Hailstorm. (2)(n) - Single point of failure.

    "Microsoft Windows" -(1)(n) - Microsoft's continual refinement of the
    decades-old Disk Operating System. (See "Disk Operating System" and

    "Minimum System Requirements" - (1)(n, pl) - What Microsoft markets as the
    absolute minimum that a given product can operate on to claim a larger
    target market for a product. Such specifications correctly states that a
    product will be functional on such minimal requirements - but implies that a
    customer will be as productive as someone with much more computing power.
    (See "Windows Ready PC") A heartbeat may be a "minimum system requirement"
    for a human, but an infant can't run a marathon. (See "Recommended System

    "Preview Version" -(1)(n) - See "Alpha Release." Also called "Technical

    "Product Activation Technology" - (1)(n) - Half-baked, easily-bypassed
    method intended to prevent software piracy of Microsoft products,
    particularly on the consumer side, such as Windows XP and Office XP.
    (2)(v) - Invasion and reduction of the consumer's privacy and flexibility
    while using Microsoft products. (3)(v) - "Raising the Price" on the
    one-on-one manner of sharing software that helped Microsoft gain its
    monopoly status. AKA "Heroin Economics." (See "Heroin Economics")

    "Recommended System Requirements" - (1)(n, pl) - In reality, the minimum
    system configuration necessary for average performance of a given Microsoft
    product. Doubling this should yield adequate performance by the product.
    (See "Minimum System Requirements")

    "Remote Assistance" - (1)(n) - Feature in Windows XP that allows a remote
    person to provide troubleshooting assistance by logging onto a user's
    computer. (2)(n) - Making one of Microsoft's oldest security problems a
    documented product "feature."

    "Scalable" - (1)(n) - Microsoft's claim that a given product can grow to
    support ever-growing user and processing loads, provided such growth is
    limited to Microsoft expectations and 'platforms.' (See "platform")

    "Service Pack" - (1) (n) - Stuff left out of the retail release of a
    Microsoft product that needs to be added to products already sold and/or in
    use. (2) (n) - Something that will probably break a customer's existing
    system during the service pack installation process. (3)(n) - Method used by
    Microsoft to fix problems in a product which are too widespread to fix with
    a simple hotfix. (See "Hotfix")

    "Smart Tags" - (1)(n) - Failed attempt by Microsoft to once again exert
    monopolist control, this time over any website's content by creating
    unauthorized derivative works from copyrighted material, and using its
    monopoly in the browser and "platform" market to lead web surfers to
    Microsoft-sponsored and endorsed products, services, and advertisers.

    "Subscription-Ware" -(1)(n) - Software such as Windows XP that users pay to
    use on an annual basis instead of a one-time license. Failure to pay annual
    subscriptions will render user data and/or Microsoft-based organizations
    unreachable and unusable until such tribute is paid on an annual basis.
    (2)(n) - Giving a corporation - software or entertainment industry - control
    over a user's information and livelihood. (3)(n) - Gross invasion of
    privacy. (See "UCITA")

    "Swap File" - (1)(n) - Method used by Windows to fill up and fragment users
    disk space.

    "Temp Files" - (1)(n) - See "Swap File" above.

    "Three-Finger Salute" - (1)(n) - One of Microsoft's first innovations.
    (2)(n) - The process used to reboot a computer after a crash - often
    resulting in Repetitive Strain Injuries for Windows users.

    "Undocumented Feature" - (1)(n) - Previously unknown capability of a
    software product. See "Microsoft Security Bulletin."

    "Upgrade" - (1)(v) - Process of introducing new vulnerabilities to the
    existing customer community. (2)(n) - New versions of software products.

    "Visual Basic" - (1)(n) - Microsoft scripting language that facilitates mass
    exploitation of Microsoft applications (2)(n) - Microsoft-centric version of
    the Virus Creation Toolkit.

    "Visual Vulnerability" - (1)(colloq.) - See "Visual Basic."

    "Windows-Compliant PC" - (1)(n) - Computers with ever-growing and often
    obscene memory, processor, and hard disk requirements for a basic
    installation of a Microsoft operating system. (2)(n) - Easy target for

    "Windows Droppings" - (1)(n, pl) - Temporary files generated by various
    Windows applications (and the operating system itself) that accumulate on a
    Windows hard drive and consume valuable disk space. See "Temp Files."

    "Windows Media Player" - (1)(n) - Microsoft's proprietary music player and
    music format that is being positioned as a pro-Hollywood music player that
    will give the music industry full control over where and how a Windows user
    can play audio files and music they have stored on their systems. Intended
    to replace the "anarchist" and widely-popular MP3 standard for music in
    favor of a closed, proprietary, privacy-invading, corporate-controlling

    "Windows NT" - (1)(n) - Corporate operating system produced by Microsoft in
    the late 1990s. Also referred to as "Needs Tweaking" (due to its many
    problems) or "Needs Towing" (referring to the incident involving a crashed
    NT server forcing a Navy vessel to be towed back to port in 1999), "Nice
    Try", "Neanderthal Technology" (for its DOS roots), "Not There", "Not
    Tested", and "Not Trustworthy" among many others.

    "Zero Administration" -(1)(n) - Marketing fantasy that claims a software
    package requires next to no dedicated staff to administer or support it. In
    Microsoft's claims of Zero Administration, something that no Windows product
    can survive with.


    Miscellaneous Terms

    "AOL" - (1)(n) - Microsoft's arch-enemy, a large mega-corporation that
    Microsoft is insanely afraid and jealous of now that the functionality and
    day-to-day importance of the Windows OS is being threatened by the AOL
    Client suite of services.

    "Borg" - (1)(n, pl) - When used in relation to Microsoft, this term refers
    to the Star Trek cybernetic villains that would use overwhelming force to
    assimilate and incorporate lesser beings into their ever-growing Collective.

    "Heroin Economics" - Common practice of drug dealers looking to establish a
    customer base by providing free samples to "hook" users, at which time the
    dealer raises his prices for his product. Since people are now dependent,
    they will naturally pay whatever is necessary to obtain the substance. In
    the software world, for years Microsoft tolerated software piracy (both
    casual and organized) as its user base expanded and the company became a
    monopoly on the desktop with millions of "hooked" users and
    organizations...at which time it raised its prices and plans to force users
    to pay annual tributes to feed their dependence on Microsoft products and
    services. (See "Product Activation Technology")

    "Mac OS/X" - (1)(n) - Apple's new BSD-based operating system, something that
    Microsoft is trying to emulate in XP and failing miserably at.

    "Microsoft" - (1)(n) - The world's largest software company. (2)(n) -
    Company found guilty of being a monopoly. (3)(n) - A threat to national and
    corporate information security and stability. (4)(n) - Inventor and
    distributor of the most frequently-used, attacked, and exploited software in
    the world. (5)(n) - Invented the Blue Screen of Death (See "Blue Screen of
    Death") and Three-Finger Salute (See "Three-Finger Salute").

    "Microsoft Tax" - (1)(n) - See "Heroin Economics." (2)(n) - Inability or
    serious difficulty a computer buyer faces when trying to purchase a computer
    without a pre-installed Microsoft operating system and suite of products.

    "Networking 101" - (1)(n) - Class Microsoft engineers clearly failed when
    they placed all four corporate DNS servers behind the same router. When the
    router failed in early 2001, all Microsoft servers, from Passport to Hotmail
    and Microsoft.Com went off-line. (Ref: "Passport Definiton #2).

    "Redmond" - (1)(adj) - Synonymous to "Microsoft" as Microsoft is the largest
    employer in the city of Redmond in Washington State.

    "Satan Conspiracy Theory" (1)(n) - The long-time joke in the computer
    community that the ASCII value of the Microsoft founder's name (Bill Gates,
    III) when added together, equals "666".

    "Tux" - (1)(n) - The name of the cute penguin that serves as the Linux
    Mascot and represents many things that Microsoft isn't. (2)(n) - The Sign of
    The Devil and/or a 'cancer' (see 'Cancer') that Microsoft is fearful of.

    "UCITA" - (1)(n) - An emerging commercial law - very anti-consumer - that
    among other things, gives software vendors the ability to remotely disable
    user computers for any reason and binds a customer to a license agreement
    that they cannot see until they open the software, thus violating an
    agreement that they have not had the opportunity to read, examine, and
    determine whether or not they wish to enter into such an agreement with the
    software vendor. Software sold as "subscription-ware" is an ideal method to
    exercise such controls over the customer-victims. Often pronounced "You
    Cheat-Ah", referring to its anti-consumer language. Microsoft is one of
    several software companies actively supporting this policy. (See

    "Useful PC" - (1)(n) - Any computer that is unable to run the latest version
    of Windoze because the processor is not fast enough and is recycled as a
    much more stable, secure, and robust multi-user system with the installation
    of Linux. (Thx to CF for this!)


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    Auszge aus einem Biologietest "Menstruationszyklus und Verhtung"
    vom Mrz 2002 einer Hauptschule in NRW, 8. Klasse (also etwa 14
    Jahre ... und somit durchaus im fortpflanzungsfhigen Alter!!!)

    Ralf: Der Eisprung ist zwischen dem 14 und 18 Tag der Periode und man
    kann dann nicht schwanger werden. Wenn man schon Jahre nicht mehr
    miteinander geschlafen hat. Dann kann man whrend des Eisprungs
    schwanger werden! Genau im Eisprung dann ist die Zeit. in der man mit
    Sicherheit unfruchtbar ist. Bevor man miteinander schlft muss man die
    Pille schlucken. so dass der Krper denkt man ist schon schwanger dann
    nimmt der Krper ja auch keine neuen Samen auf

    Ursula: Wenn man jung ist und will sich destillieren lassen und dann
    spter doch noch ein Kind haben will dann ist es zu spt.

    Stefan: Im Kopf ist das Glckshormon das den Menstruationszyklus
    steuert. Das heit wenn eine Frau fr lngere Zeit berglcklich ist.
    ist auch immer ein Ei in der Gebrmutterschleimhaut vorhanden. Warum:
    (siehe Seite I Aufgabe 9) Wiederhole mich nicht gerne!!!

    Heike: Der Eisprung ist der erste Tag der Periode. Das Ei wandert von
    links nach rechts. Das Diaphragma ist nur fr den Mann. Kolutus
    Inspiritus ist auf keinen Fall sicher.

    Maik: Die Spirale ist nur geeignet. wenn die Frau schon ihren
    Familiensinn abgeschlossen hat.

    Eva: Ein Diaphragma ist nicht sicher. weil es Physiken hat. Und es
    ist nur fr Mnner. Bitte was?!

    Dieter: Die Pille ist fr die weiblichen Wesen geeignet. Die Pille ist
    auch ein einfaches und unfhlsames Verhttungsmittel. Die Spirale ist
    sehr sicher. aber es ist nicht sehr erotisch. Die Spirale schiebt man
    in die Scheide hinein. Es ist auch sehr unangenehm.

    Johannes: Warum ist der Menstruationszyklus hormongesteuert? Weil die
    Natur es so vorgesehen hat und die Frau es sowieso nicht steuern kann,
    bernehmen die Hormone das.

    Willi: Man schluckt die Pille tglich. Damit die Eierstcke die Samen
    nicht aufnehmen.

    Karsten: Dat Ei wandert da do in a Eileiter an da bleibt dat ach. Und
    wenn man dat so seht ist alles so in Periodenzeit. Die
    Temperaturmethode ist nicht so gut fr die Frauen. weil junge Mdchen
    immer einen unregelmigen Temperatur haben.

    Melanie: Sperma abttende Cremes und Destinisation sind unsicher und
    schtzen vor gar nichts. Da kriegt man nur Krankheiten von.

    Ernst: Wie funktioniert die Anti-Baby-Pille? Eigentlich genau wie die
    Pille nur ist die Pille etwas sicherer.

    Hans: Beim Eisprung geht das Ei von einem in den anderen Eierstock.

    Alexandra: Die Anti-Baby-Pille wird vor dem Geschlechtsverkehr
    geschluckt. Man sollte etwas warten - etwa 10 Minuten - bis man
    Geschlechtsverkehr hat. Eine Sterallisierung ist nicht gut fr junge
    Leute. Kontius Impacktus ist sehr unsicher.

    Markus: Die Pille tuscht eine Schwangerschaft vor und wenn man sie
    absetzt denkt der Krper oh scheie ich wurde verarscht. Die vorher
    rauszieh Methode ist sehr unsicher weil vorher der Lusttropfen losgeht
    und der kann auch schwngern. Was auch nicht gut ist ist das

    So, sind noch Fragen offen?

    NEWS BULLETIN - Men and women are NOT alike.

    Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have proof!
    After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following
    topics, these facts have emerged:


    First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -
    he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a
    semi-regular basis". When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and
    pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem
    titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.

    A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
    break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I
    just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never
    forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want
    you to know there's always a chance for us". This is known as the
    "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have
    made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses
    to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove


    Women prefer 30 - 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 - 45
    seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part
    of the foreplay.


    Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can
    function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading
    baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This
    is why high school romances rarely work.


    Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.


    Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching
    television, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on.
    Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh
    uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's
    favorite stooge. The women will roll their eys and groan and wait it


    To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
    chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot
    their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large
    loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note
    from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face
    at the end of the note.


    A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush,
    toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel
    from the Holiday Inn.
    The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A
    man would not be able to identify most of these items.


    Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's
    magazine also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because
    the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is
    hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.


    A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
    and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his
    fridge are half a lemon and something turning green. Then he goes
    grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a
    man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that
    the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not
    stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

    Going out:

    When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go
    out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be
    ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes
    putting on her makeup, ...


    When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then
    slip into Reebok sneakers. She wil carry her dress shoes in a plastic
    bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress
    Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under
    her desk.
    A man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day.

    Leg warmers:

    Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or
    doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them
    any time she wants.

    A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme
    the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line".


    Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
    looking, men kick cats.


    Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are
    ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface -
    mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.


    Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers.
    Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages,
    and they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches
    in garages.


    For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien
    Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind".
    For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's
    face in "Public Enemy".


    Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
    A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than
    that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.


    When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of
    complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The
    nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual.
    Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction - he buys aviator
    glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes
    shopping for a Porsche.

    The Telephone:

    Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to
    send short messages to other people.
    A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home,
    she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

    Low Blows:

    Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television.
    One of the fighters is felled by a low blow.
    The woman says "Oh, gee, that must hurt." The man doubles over and
    actually feels pain.


    If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar
    surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.
    Men consider this to be a sign of weakness.
    Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle
    for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found
    a new way to get there", and, "I know I'm in the neighborhood. I
    recognize that White Hen store".

    Admitting Mistakes:

    Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.
    The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.

    Richard Gere:

    Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
    Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who
    works at the health club and dates only married women.


    Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
    about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best
    friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
    A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

    Nudity in Movies:

    Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.
    This is because every movie in the history of movies has been
    produced by a *man*.
    The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere.
    This is another reason why men hate him.

    David Letterman:

    Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the
    Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a
    bad haircut.


    Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4,000 for
    state-of-the-art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography
    Women purchase Kodak Instamatics.
    Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.


    Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things
    such as voting.
    Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys is growing up
    and getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign for
    them and cry on election night.

    Locker Rooms:

    In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and
    women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as
    well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
    Women talk about one thing in the locker room--sex. And not in abstract
    terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and THEY NEVER


    Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of
    clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight
    years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of
    clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and
    take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to
    meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth.


    When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".
    Men talk about "the bachelor party".


    Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American.
    Male cheerleaders are scary.


    Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.
    Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have
    pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.


    Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of 11
    or 12, they lose interest.
    Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they grow older, their
    toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples of men's
    toys: little miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and
    blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails on
    command, video games, anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at
    least six "D" batteries to operate.


    A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The
    man waters the plants. The woman comes home five days later, to an
    appartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.


    Some men look good with mustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt
    There are no women who look good with mustaches.


    With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names
    like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk", women eschew the use of nicknames.
    If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch,
    they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.
    But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will
    affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut
    Brain and Useless.

    Merry Christmas allerseits...

    When the snow falls wunderbar
    And the children happy are,
    When the Glatteis on the street,
    And we all a Glhwein need,
    Then you know, es ist soweit:
    She is here, the Weihnachtszeit

    Every Parkhaus ist besetzt,
    Weil die people fahren jetzt
    All to Kaufhof, Mediamarkt,
    Kriegen nearly Herzinfarkt.
    Shopping hirnverbrannte things
    And the Christmasglocke rings.

    Merry Christmas, merry Christmas,
    Hear the music, see the lights,
    Frohe Weihnacht, Frohe Weihnacht,
    Merry Christmas allerseits...

    Mother in the kitchen bakes
    Schoko-, Nuss- and Mandelkeks
    Daddy in the Nebenraum
    Schmcks a Riesen-Weihnachtsbaum
    He is hanging auf the balls,
    Then he from the Leiter falls.

    Finally the Kinderlein
    To the Zimmer kommen rein
    And es sings the family
    Schauerlich: "Oh, Chistmastree!"
    And the jeder in the house
    Is packing die Geschenke aus.

    Merry Christmas, merry Christmas,
    Hear the music, see the lights,
    Frohe Weihnacht, Frohe Weihnacht,
    Merry Christmas allerseits...

    Mama finds unter the Tanne
    Eine brandnew Teflon-Pfanne,
    Papa gets a Schlips and Socken,
    Everybody does frohlocken.
    President speaks in TV,
    All arround is Harmonie,
    Bis mother in the kitchen runs:
    Im Ofen burns the Weihnachtsgans.

    And so comes die Feuerwehr
    With Tat, tata daher,
    And they bring a long, long Schlauch
    Und a long, long Leiter auch.
    Dann they schreien - "Wasser marsch!",
    now Christmas is again im - *****.

    Merry Christmas, merry Christmas,
    Hear the music, see the lights,
    Frohe Weihnacht, Frohe Weihnacht,
    Merry Christmas allerseits...


    Contract programming house for IBM, and primary sustainer of the clone
    market. IBM pays MS to write fancy software, then MS tweaks it a little,
    slaps the MS logon on it, and sells it to all the clone folks so they can
    keep competing with IBM. There is no truth to the rumor that former
    Mafioso procure the IBM contracts for MS. All products are given generic
    names (Word, Project, Works, Windows, etc.) to (a) confuse everybody
    unless (b) the name "Microsoft" is constantly repeated. Made the founder
    $300,000,000+ in one day.
    From: zoinks@netcom.com (Chris Blackwell)

    This friday I go some comp tickets to the annual Computer Bowl.
    Usually a pretty dry affair, but I just had to share this one with you
    all. (This is from memory, so the text may not be 100% verbatim)

    The question posed was "What contest, held on the Internet, is
    dedicated to examples of wierd, obscure, bizzare and really bad
    programming?" (They were referring to the Obfuscated C contest)

    For about 30 seconds the participants thought about it, and it was
    apparent that nobody knew the answer. Then one of the French
    contestants buzzed. His answer - "Microsoft Windows"

    The expression on Bill Gates face (he was one of the judges) was
    Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    A: None: they just redefine darkness as the industry standard.
    As you may be aware Bill Gates is about to launch Microsoft Wife.
    After 3 years of marriage, Bill may upgrade to Wife 2.0.
    From: Sherri.Alashari@Eng.Sun.COM (Sherri Al-Ashari)

    Remember that Microsoft joke that someone sent out last week, the one
    that says it doesn't take any Microsoft engineers to screw in a light
    bult because they'd just redefine darkness to be the standard? Well
    it was amazingly prescient.

    Seattle's Saturday newspaper carried a front-page story about Bill
    Gates' most recent traffic ticket. Rather than pay the $47 fine for
    turning left against *three* "No Left Turn" signs, he had his lawyers
    challenge the legality of the sign! And not only that sign; they
    asked the city to prove it has the legal right to post any traffic
    signs!! Can you believe it. The challenge didn't work, but the city
    was so slow about proving the signs okay--it's not like they do it
    every day--the traffic judge dismissed the ticket.
    Monday morning God decided that the world had reached the point of no
    return. So, he called Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates to
    the gates of heaven. He informed them of his decision and told them
    to go back to their people and prepare them for the end of the world
    on Thursday.

    Boris Yeltsin gets on state television and tells his people that he
    has bad news and worse news. After decades of telling the Soviet
    citizens that there is no God, he now realizes that he was wrong. He
    has seen God with his own eyes. Worse yet, God has decided to destroy
    the world and each person needs to prepare for Thursday as each sees

    Bill Clinton calls a press conference and says that he has good news
    and bad news. After centuries of telling the US citizens that there
    is a God, he has proof that we've been right. He has seen God with
    his own eyes. But the bad news is that God has decided to destroy the
    world and each person needs to prepare for Thursday as each sees fit.

    Bill Gates calls an all-hands meeting. He says that he has wonderful
    news and even more wonderful news. God, by calling him to the gates
    of heaven with the leaders of the two most powerful nations in the
    world, has just confirmed how important Bill Gates really is. The
    even better news is that on Thursday, IBM will stop shipping OS/2.
    Could've been written about Microsoft products:

    "If you have a knife 9" in my back, and you pull it out 3", that is
    not progress"

    --Malcolm X
    1980's fortune:
    Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. The answer is yes.

    1990's fortune:
    Microsoft is not the answer.
    Microsoft is the question.
    The answer is "Just Say No!"
    "My view of Microsoft is that they had two goals in the last 10 years:
    to copy the Macintosh and to copy Lotus' success in the applications
    business. And they accomplished those goals. Now, they're kind of
    lost. I've told Bill [Gates] that I think it's in Microsoft's best
    interest if NeXT becomes successful because we'll give him something
    to copy for the rest of this decade."

    -- Steve Jobs
    There once was a super Windows NT salesman that travel the world with
    a great "can do everything and all" Windows NT demo (but the real
    stuff was vaporware). He sold it lonely Windows NT'ers like me and
    made lots of money. One day while dashing through the O'Hare Airport
    to catch a flight he drop dead of a heart attack.

    At the gates of heaven he was judged. He had lived a borderline life
    and was given the option of heaven or hell. He could look into the
    doors of each and choose. As he opened the door to heaven, wonderful
    music harp music played, he saw people floating on clouds and all was
    bright and white.

    Next he opened the doors to hell and saw nude people drinking beer and
    dancing to rock and roll music. Everyone was partying to the max. It
    was just like his one year at college.

    As He met with his maker again, he said, Heaven is great and
    wonderful, but other is more my style. Think carefully he was told
    but the other was his wish.

    As the doors opened for him the intense heat hit him and he was pulled
    in. He stood before the devil and saw pain and sorrow everywhere. He
    shouted at the devil, "Where is the party and beer?". The devil
    laughed, "that was the demo, this is the real thing!" :)

    Since we can't make it good, we try to make it look good.
    - Bill Gates
    > Can you explain the mysterious popularity of Billy Joel?? Could he be
    > the Anti-Christ??

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } No, because there's only one Antichrist, and Bill Gates has applied for
    } the post. It's really obvious. Whenever you install a M$ product on a
    } computer, all the speed goes straight to hell.
    } You owe the Oracle a harder question.
    > Dear Oracle, master of all knowledge, what does UNIX stand for?

    And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

    } Ken Thompson claims that UNIX is "a weak pun on Multics," but this is
    } a lie. UNIX is a weak pun on eunuch. Look around you. Are any of
    } your male peers ever going to reproduce? And if their significant
    } others DO become pregnant-- will you not doubt the identity of the
    } father?
    } UNIX is not all that impressive an operating system. Why, then, is it
    } so popular? *UNIX is addictive!* And, just like heroin, the UNIX
    } drive quickly displaces the sex drive. (Oh, sure, computer geeks talk
    } a lot about wanting to get laid... but do they ever *do* anything
    } about it?)
    } Yet terrible as UNIX addiction is, there are worse fates. If UNIX is
    } the heroin of operating systems, then VMS is barbiturate addiction,
    } the Mac is MDMA, and MS-DOS is sniffing glue. (Windows is filling
    } your sinuses with lucite and letting it set.)
    } You owe the Oracle a twelve step program.
    An addition to the list of Operating Systems as rail systems:

    MS-DOS is like the US rail system. It's there, but you gotta
    find other ways of getting where they want to go.
    Fortran is the cockroach of programming languages
    MS-DOS is the Fortran of operating systems
    MS-Windows is the MS-DOS of windowing systems.
    About a year ago, a study published in _Academic_Computing_
    entitled "Student Writing: Can the Machine Maim the Message"
    suggested that college freshmen using Macintoshes wrote poorer
    essays than students using DOS-based computers.

    The researcher ran the compositions through the Unix Writer's
    Workbench and tallied the scores. She also graded them by hand.
    Apart from inferior writing quality, she also found that students
    using PCs, generally speaking, created more coherent work on more
    serious issues (like crime, the death penalty and abortion) as
    compared with Macintosh users, who wrote about fast food and

    Notice that this was a while ago, before Windoze.
    What do you think freshman students who used TeX wrote about?

    _ /|


    Join Bill the Cat in the President's war against DOS.



    Movie titles:
    The Primeval Terror -- MS-DOS
    Revenge of the Mutant Horror -- OS/2
    Windows NT -- The Nightmare Continues
    Seen in the "women seeking men" part of the "Phone-Match" section of the
    San Diego _Reader_ (freebie weekly newspaper):

    ARROGANT ENGINEER WANTED. Educated, savvy brunette seeks tall,
    extremely intelligent, engineering type. Ex-geeks welcome.
    Social skills not necessary; will train. No drug or MS-DOS users.
    "MSDOS didn't get as bad as it is overnight -- it took over ten years
    of careful development." ---dmeggins@aix1.uottawa.ca
    Bumper Sticker: "Help stamp out progress, Run Windows"
    From: a_rubin@dsg4.dse.beckman.com (Arthur Rubin)

    In <2i3vau$e43@news.duke.edu> rcml@acpub.duke.edu (Robert Lonon) writes:

    >I'm looking for a utility that will slow down my 486 enough that
    >I can run some of the older games I've got that are simply
    >too fast to play on a 486. Does anyone out there know
    >of a site I could download such a program from?

    It's called MS Windows.
    "When you say 'I wrote a program that crashed Windows', people
    just stare at you blankly and say 'Hey, I got those with the
    system, *for free*'"

    - Linus Torvalds
    At Microsoft, Quality is Job 1.01

    Bill Gates meets Hugh Grant at a Hollywood party. They are talking and
    Bill says, "I've seen some great pictures of Divine Brown lately, I
    sure would like to get together with her!"

    Hugh replies, "Well Bill, you know ever since our incident, her price
    has skyrocketed, she's charging a small fortune."

    Bill (with a chuckle), "Hugh, money's no object to me. What's her

    So Hugh gives Bill her number and Bill sets up a date. They meet &
    after they finish, Bill is lying there in ecstasy, mumbling

    "Divine... Divine... Divine... oh God... now I know why you choose the
    name Divine."

    To which she replies, "Thank you Bill. And now I know how you chose
    the name Microsoft."

    From my friend, an ACT-voting accountant

    The NZ dollar has continued its slide against the US Dollar and the
    Pound Sterling. The dollar reached historic lows mid-week, dropping
    below 46 NZ cents to the greenback. A NZ dollar now buys one gram of
    hamster droppings and half a glass of Thames river water in the United

    Since the beginning of last week, many currency transactions bureaus in
    France and Germany have been turning away NZ backpackers who have
    wheelbarrows full of their useless home currency, desperate to change
    it before its value declines even further.

    The drop in the dollar has also had a dramatic impact for NZ tourists,
    making the cost of travel prohibitively expensive and making many
    people cancel their travel plans. In an early response to the
    situation, American Express has modified its advertising campaign,
    shortening its slogan specifically for the NZ market. It now simply
    reads "Don't leave home".

    But the new rates have made NZ an increasingly attractive destination
    for tourists from the UK and US. Speaking from her palatial suite at a
    harbourside hotel in Auckland, Shayla Mohr, a single mother from Idaho
    on welfare, agreed that the beneficial exchange rates played a major
    part in her decision to travel to NZ. "My food stamps don't go very far
    at all back home" said Ms Mohr, "So I decided to cash them in a have a
    trip to NZ. My last dole cheque has funded three weeks here and I've
    been having a ball. You guys have such cute little money".

    Despite the decline against the major currencies, the NZ dollar did
    rally against some minor currencies in late trading on Friday. The
    dollar posted gains against the dong, the rouble and the rupee before
    markets closed.

    The dollar also made some late gains against Monopoly Money. One NZ
    dollar now buys 36 Monopoly cents, a rate which has caused difficulties
    because there are no cents in Monopoly. But major owners of Monopoly
    Money, such as Microsoft's Bill Gates, have refused to trade their cash
    for NZ currency, dismissing the dollar as "pretend money".

    In a statement from the beehive, finance minister Michael Cullen stated
    that NZers have never had it so good. "Why would anyone want to holiday
    overseas anyway. NZ is a great place to be, especially at this time of
    the year. Those people contemplating an overseas trip in future will be
    subject to The Holiday, Enjoyment and Fun Tax (THEFT). This new
    deduction will be targeted at anyone who looks like they might have any
    disposable income that might be spent on anything pleasurable."
    Supporters of the new tax within the coalition government have
    applauded Mr Cullen's initiative as innovative but not far reaching
    enough. "It's this sort of measure that will entice ex-patriot Kiwis
    back to NZ" said Mr Anderton in response to the announcement.

    The answer to the eternal question: Is "it better to be a jock or a nerd?"

    Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, makes
    $178,100 a day, working or not.

    If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of
    sugarplums dance in his head.

    If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550
    while he's there.

    If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.

    He makes $7,415/hour more than minimum wage.

    He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.

    If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a
    whole 12 hours.

    If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would
    have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

    He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be
    reimbursed $33,390 for that round.

    Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax
    deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of
    $10,500 at 8:45am on January 1st.

    If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be living
    comfortably at $65,000 a year.

    He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics,
    and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.

    While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy
    Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.

    This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents
    for all of their terms combined.

    Amazing isn't it?


    If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 500 years, he'll still have
    less than Bill Gates has at this very moment.

    Game over. Nerd wins.


    1 Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say

    2 Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

    3 Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

    4 Drunks Get Nine Months In Violin Case

    5 Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

    6 Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus

    7 Panda Mating Fails, Veterinarian Takes Over

    8 British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

    9 Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

    10 Clinton Wins Budget, More Lies Ahead

    11 Plane Too Close To Ground, CrashProbe Told

    12 Miners Refuse to Work After Death

    13 Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant

    14 Stolen Painting Found By Tree

    15 Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half

    16 War Dims Hope For Peace

    17 If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly It May Last A While

    18 Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide

    19 Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

    20 New Study of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group

    21 Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space

    22 Kids Make Nutritious Snack

    23 Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Yrs in Checkout Counter

    24 Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery, Hundreds Dead

    [For the uninitiated:
    MAF Ministry of Agriculture and Fisheries
    DoC Department of Conservation
    WINZ Work and Income New Zealand (who hand out the benefits)
    tapu (Maori) taboo, being sacred (religion)
    kakapo one of three New Zealand native parrots, now almost extinct,
    despite best efforts long-term survival is questionable


    And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make
    it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is
    destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every
    kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to
    build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the
    specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans
    and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "You must
    complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

    Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all
    the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was
    sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah," he shouted, "Where is the
    Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there
    were big problems.

    First, I had to get a Resource Consent for construction and your plans
    did not meet the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw
    the plans and get an engineer's report from the Council. Then I got into
    a fight with NZ Fire Service over whether or not the Ark needed a
    sprinkler system and smoke alarms, and the Ministry of Health over the
    provision of smoking or non smoking areas. Then the Residents
    Association objected, claiming I was violating SAM zoning ordinances by
    building an Ark in my front yard that was a recreational watercraft and
    therefore a threat to existing homes.

    Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because of the
    ban on native logging on the West Coast. They tried to get me to
    use Fijian Jara but I couldn't get the necessary dispensation from
    Customs & Excise to import timber from a Pacific Island nation that
    wasn't party to the international working party on the life cycle of
    native timbers. I finally convinced DoC that I needed the wood to
    indirectly save the kakapo from extinction which seemed to get a bit
    of a reaction, however, the Royal Forest and Bird Society objected
    and won't let me catch any kakapo. No kakapo. No wood.

    Under the new Employment Contracts Act, the carpenters formed a union
    and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement under the
    provisions of good faith bargaining before anyone would pick up a saw
    or a hammer. OSH arrived and now I have to produce a Hazard Management
    and Safety procedure before they start work and ACC are insisting we
    pre-pay our annual premiums on the basis we may not be returning. So
    now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but no kakapo and no wood.

    When news got out that I was rounding up other animals, MAF arrived and
    insisted I build quarantine facilities to hold them in for the 6 months
    before sailing. The also wanted blood samples to prove no genetic
    engineering practices were involved.

    The next thing I know, the Regional Council is knocking on my door.
    They want an Enviromental Impact Report on the proposed flood: the area
    it would cover, the amount of water in cubic metres, impact on local
    micro-ecosystems, velocity and force of water, cost to manufacturing
    and production and local transport, areas for possible relocation and
    resettlement. I tried telling them they were missing the point

    Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal
    Opportunities Commission and the Race Relations Office that our
    selection criteria does not fairly reflect the age, gender, religious
    and race diversity of Earth.

    Finally WINZ has waded in. They have seized my assets for alleged non
    payment of child support. It seems a local baseball coach is claiming I
    knocked her up last year at the tapu lifting ceremony for the
    relocation of the New Plymouth cemetery. Mrs Noah is beside herself.
    She's enrolled herself in the Women in Leadership Seminar and has
    applied to the Waitangi Tribunal for her share of Tainui's corporate
    box at Ericson stadium and is leaving me.

    I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six
    years", Noah wailed. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and
    the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up
    hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
    "No", said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The government already

    author unknown (but clever!)

    These were stolen from http://www.RixPlace.com/library/taglines.html
    It says this kind of
    thievery was quite common, so I take it it's ok for me to put it here.

    Nudist Taglines

    A Bit O'Humor

    In the olden days, 2-3 years ago, a "tagline" was a one-line message
    that was attached to e-mail, primarily used at private Bulletin Boards

    The idea behind a tagline is to tell an entire story, joke, or
    express a philosophy in not more than one line. These taglines are from
    the Daily Sun (Nudist) BBS (now closed) that Rick operated from
    1993-1996. Rick thanks everyone whose taglines he stole! By the way:
    tagline thievery was common practice among BBS'ers.

    Today, taglines have evolved into "signature blocks." They've become
    bloated, and can ramble on for 1/2 of the message. An art form has been
    lost... (sigh)

    "On the fourth day of
    telecommuting, I realized that "If it's so dirty to be naked, why
    clothes are totally unnecessary." do we get naked to get clean?"
    -- Dilbert -- Bryan Maloney

    I've got a brand NUDE attitude! You'll never catch a Nudist with
    his pants down.

    He who sleeps in the raw is in for
    a NUDE awakening. Skin does not equal sin.

    Most of the year, a Montana Nudist "Clothes make the man, but
    is a Polar Bare. nakedness makes the human being."
    -- Kevin Kearney

    A flying saucer???!!
    Naw. Some nudist just spilled his A harp is a nude piano.

    A nudist is one who suffers from A smile is the sunshine that is a
    clothes-trophobia. part of life.

    A waist is a terrible thing to Adam to Eve -- "I'll wear the
    mind. plants in this family."

    Ain't nobody's business but my own. Algebra: What the Little Mermaid

    Are Scottish Nudists Off Kilt-er? At a nude wedding, everybody can
    see who the best man is.

    Beaches are Free, but Nudist Behind every succesfull man is
    Resorts have Cover Charges. woman with nothing to wear.

    "Beauty when most unclothed is
    clothed best." Beware of all enterprises that
    -- Phineas Fletcher (English require new clothes.
    Poet, 1582-1650)

    Betazoid Wedding Dress - Can't beat Counselor Troi, please report to
    the price. my room. Clothing optional.

    ...Born naked, wet and hungry Brian Hackett on Wings: "Think of
    ...and it gets worse!?? it as a country - Naked Land."

    Buddhist nudists practices yoga Buffer: Programmer who works in
    bare! the nude.

    But you can't let her drive! She's Clothes were made to tell the
    legally blonde! See??! difference between lawyers and

    Curious how naked death is less D.A.M.N. (Naked Mothers Against
    obscene than naked women. Dyslexia)

    Do Nudist Resorts Clothes for the Everyone needs a place in the sun,
    winter? especially when it rains.

    First they take your money, then Floor: The place where you keep
    your clothes. your clothes.

    Keep abreast of developments: Greeting between two nudists:
    Go to a nude beach. "Buffalo" (Buff-Hello!)

    He who joins a nudist club pays a "Hehehe cool V.bis! Nudie .gifs!"
    cover charge!! -- Baudhead

    Hell's just had bad P.R. Now
    I can type 10% faster in the nude. where's my 1,000,000 suntan

    Home Safety Tip #1: Don't iron
    whilst naked. How do nudists play Flag Football?

    How do you tell a blind guy in a
    nudist resort? It's not hard. I hate tanlines.

    I hate tanlines. I don't have I seem to be outgrowing my
    tanlines. Want to check it out? birthday suit.

    I was naked when I wrote this... I'd give up women if they didn't
    look so damn good naked...

    I'd love to, but I left my body in I'm a natural blonde. See??!
    my other clothes. Please speak slowly.

    I'm as confused as a baby at a
    topless bar. I'm not naked; I've got my hat on.

    I'm completely nude under my Is this as much fun as you can
    clothes. have with your clothes on?

    If clothes make a man then what is If everyone were nude,
    a nudist? there would be no war....

    If God had for us to be nudists we If God had meant for us to be
    would have been born that way. naked, we would be so born.

    "If (the topless females) were
    violating any other rules, like
    If nudity was natural, we all would sitting on a subway bench topless
    have been born naked. smoking a cigarette, then we would
    take action!" -New York Transit

    Little boy to little girl: Nudity was against everything Mom
    "You can't touch it, you broke taught me. Guess what? Mom was
    yours." wrong!

    If you run out of underwear, you're If you want to hide your face,
    streaking... walk naked.

    It's hard to be serious when you're It's OK to wear the same thing
    naked. every day: a smile.

    Lesson #1, don't fry bacon in the Laundry: A place where clothes are
    nude mangled.

    Nude: Barefoot all over. "Nakedness is seldom seen but
    often noticed." - Chinese proverb

    Look for the girl with the sun in Make a bold fashion statement:
    her eyes... Get Naked.

    Naked Lunch - World Tour - 1995 Nature always sides with the
    hidden flaw!

    New-d callers use Georgia, New-d callers use The Daily Sun
    Naturally! (Nudist) BBS... (Nudist) BBS...

    Nudist investors favor a BARE Nudist Lifestyle: Nothing Ventured
    market. Nothing Gained!

    Nudist Timezones: Light, Dark, Nudist: "I'd give you the shirt
    Hungry, Next Week off my back...."

    Nudists always know where their Nudists are friendly:
    towel is... When you wear only a smile you
    smile a lot.

    Nudists have more Sun... Nudists have no dirty laundry!

    Nudists wear double-breasted Self Expression Is The Key To
    Birthday Suits. Mental Health. Get naked now.

    She was naked and then
    &Zi?#+n*E#|2+A= NO CARRIER Sharewear (n.) -- Used clothing.

    Silk was invented so that women Skyclad dancing to the beat of the
    could go naked in clothes drum.

    So, who's the dummy that invented
    clothes? Sun your buns; do it nude!

    Sun your buns. Parking Lot G. Sandy Surf naked; sharks hate to peel
    Hook, New Jersey. their food...

    Tagless messages just look naked Terminator bumper sticker:
    somehow... I TIME TRAVEL NAKED

    Trick Question: In what state were
    you born? .....(Answer): Nude. The nude man fears no pickpockets!

    The only red menace left in America They're laughing and having fun,
    is sunburn. they MUST be up to something!

    Under that black robe, is the judge Underneath all these clothes I am
    nude? completely naked!

    4-Letter obscenities for nudists:
    "COLD" "Very funny, Scotty. Now, BEAM

    What George really said: "Read my When a New Yorker looks as if he's
    lips, no nude Texans" suntanned, it's probably rust.

    What should you give a nudist for
    Christmas? "Which of these would look best on
    What CAN you get a nudist for me naked?" -- Lwaxanna

    Why are new nudists called
    "Cottontails?" Yogi Bare was a Buddhist Nudist.

    You are never fully dressed until You can always tell a nudist by
    you wear a smile. the one-button suits they wear!

    You don't have to be skinny to You never outgrow your birthday
    enjoy skinny-dipping. suit.

    Non-Nudists are involved in The Bare Family: Momma Bare, Poppa
    cover-ups!! Bare, and Baby Bare.

    ...# May All Your Children Be Born The Best thing to wear every day
    Naked #... is a smile.

    The Emperor is STILL naked. Nudists wear double-breasted
    birthday suits.

    SANS REUNION TOUR '96 Farvergnaked: Nude German Driver.

    "Take off all your clothes and walk
    down the street waving a machete
    and firing a Uzi, and terrified My parents told me "wear clothes".
    citizens will phone the police and They also said "Santa Clause comes
    report: "There's a naked person down the chimney"
    outside!" --Mike Nichols

    "Now you see it, now you don't..." "What spirit is so empty and
    "Now you see it, now you don't..." blind, that it cannot recognize
    "Now you see it, now you don't..." the fact that the foot is more
    ......said the nudist, rolling down noble than the shoe, and skin more
    the hill... beautiful than the garment with
    -The Benny Hill Show which it is clothed?"
    -- Michaelangelo

    1. Two women walked into a building. You'd think at least one of them
    would have seen it.

    2. Phone answering machine message - "... If you want to buy marijuana,
    press the hash key...".

    3. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several
    places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore".

    4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
    find any.

    5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
    couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are
    too high."

    6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him

    7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
    "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
    can't, I've cut your arms off".

    8. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a muscle.

    9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
    craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
    and heat it.

    10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
    with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

    11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his bum.
    Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

    12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That
    sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."

    13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
    "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him ?
    "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him".
    So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.
    Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
    "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
    "No, because he's really heavy"

    14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up
    my backside."
    "How's that?"
    "Don't you start."

    15. Two elephants walk off a cliff... boom, boom!

    16. What do you call a fish with no eyes ? A fsh.

    17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
    give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster,
    go for it.'

    18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
    people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my
    Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I
    think it's Colin.

    19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."

    20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
    and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other
    one off.

    21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
    They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So
    that was nice."

    The Organic Blueberry Millionaire

    An unemployed man goes to try for a job with Microsoft as a cleaner.
    The manager there arranges for an aptitude test (Section: Floors,
    sweeping of ...).

    After the test, the manager tells him: "You will be appointed on the
    scale of $30 per day. Let me have your email address, so that I can
    send you a form to complete and advise you where to report for work on
    your first day."

    Taken aback, the unemployed man protests that he is neither in
    possession of a computer nor of an email address. To this the MS
    manager replies: "Well, then, that really means that you virtually
    don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed."

    Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and only having
    about $10 left, he decides to buy a 10kg box of organic blueberries.
    Within less than two hours, he sells the blueberries at 100% profit.

    Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with
    almost $100 before going to sleep that night.

    And thus it dawns on the man that he could quite easily make a living
    selling blueberries. Getting up early and earlier every day and going
    to bed late and later, he multiplies his hoard of profits in quite a
    short time.

    Not too long thereafter, he acquires a cart to transport several dozen
    boxes of blueberries, only to have to trade it in again shortly
    afterwards on a pick-up truck. By the end of the first year, he is the
    owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of several
    hundred formerly unemployed people, all selling organic produce.

    Considering the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some
    life insurance.

    Calling an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new
    circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser
    asks him for his email address in order that he might forward the

    When the man replies that he has no email, the adviser is stunned:
    "What, you don't have email? How on earth have you managed to amass
    such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine
    where you would have been by now, if you had been connected from the
    very start!"

    After a moment's silence, the blueberry millionaire replied: "Sure! I
    would have been a cleaner at Microsoft!

    The morals of the story are:

    1: The Internet, email and e-commerce do not need to rule your life

    2: Get e-mail, if you want to be a cleaner at Microsoft

    3: If you don't have email, but work hard, you can still become a

    4: Seeing that you got this story via email, you're probably closer to
    becoming a cleaner than you are to becoming a millionaire

    5: If you do have a computer and email, you're probably being taken to
    the cleaners by Microsoft

    A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a
    felony trial - it went like this:

    Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
    A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the
    description of the offender running several blocks away.

    Q. Officer, who provided this description?
    A. The officer who responded to the scene.

    Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called
    offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
    A. Yes sir, with my life.

    Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a
    locker room in the police station - a room where you change your
    clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
    A. Yes sir, we do.

    Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
    A. Yes sir, I do.

    Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
    A. Yes sir.

    Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your
    life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you
    share with those same officers?
    A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and
    sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

    With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt
    recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated
    for this year's "Best come-back" line and we think he'll win.

    In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
    stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

    1. On Sears hairdryer:

    "Do not use while sleeping."

    (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair)

    2. On a bag of Fritos:

    "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."

    (Evidently, the shoplifter special)

    3. On a bar of Dial soap:

    "Directions: Use like regular soap."

    (And that would be how. . . ?)

    4. On some Swanson frozen dinners:

    "Serving suggestions: Defrost."

    (But it's *just* a suggestion)

    5. On Tosco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box):

    "Do not turn upside down."

    (Oops, too late!)

    6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:

    "Product will be hot after heating."

    (As night follows the day . . . .)

    7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:

    "Do not iron clothes on body."

    (But wouldn't this save even more time?)

    8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:

    "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

    (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could
    just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

    9. On Nytol Sleep Aid:

    "Warning: May cause drowsiness."

    (One would hope)

    10. On most brands of Christmas lights:

    "For indoor or outdoor use only."

    (As opposed to what?)

    11. On a Japanese food processor:

    "Not to be used for the other use."

    (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

    12. On Sainsbury's peanuts:

    "Warning: Contains nuts."


    13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts:

    "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

    (Step 3: Fly Delta.)

    14. On a child's Superman costume:

    "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

    (I don't blame the company, I blame parents for this one.)

    15. On a Swedish chain saw:

    "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

    (Was there a chance of this happening somewhere?...Good grief)

    16. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid:

    "Do not use on food."

    (Hey, Mom, we're out of syrup! It's OK honey just grab the Palmolive!)

    [For the non-Kiwis: Richard Prebble is a not-so-popular member of

    A man on his way home from work comes to a dead halt behind a long line
    of stationary cars on the Northern Motorway. He notices a police
    officer walking back and forth among the cars, so he rolls down his
    window and asks, "Officer, what's the hold up?"

    The officer replies, "Richard Prebble is just so depressed about his
    personal life - the thought of the entire Parliament being on his back
    over Dover Samuels and the state of the ACT party - that he stopped
    his car in the middle of the motorway and he's threatening to douse
    himself in petrol and set himself on fire. He says Parliament hates him
    and he doesn't have the money to back ACT and get in at the next
    elections. We're taking up a collection for him".

    "Oh, really? How much have you got so far?"

    "About three hundred litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning."










    Saddam versus Bush

    Nach der x-ten amerikanischen Meldung "Wir wissen nicht, ob Saddam Hussein noch
    lebt" beschloss Saddam, eine Nachricht an George W. Bush zu schicken, um ihm zu
    zeigen, da er noch im Spiel ist. Bush ffnete den Brief und hatte
    offensichtlich eine codierte Mitteilung vor sich:

    "370HSSV 0773H"

    Bush konnte damit nichts anfangen und gab den Zettel Colin Powell. Dieser
    schttelte nur ratlos den Kopf und leitetet ihn an das CIA weiter. Dort bi
    man sich allerdings die Zhne aus und bemhte NSA und FBI. Als auch diese
    scheiterten, ging man einen Schritt weiter und befasste die NASA damit. Nach
    deren vergeblichen Versuchen, die Nachricht zu entschlsseln, trat man an die
    Universitten Berkeley und Harvard heran, die aber ebenfalls das Handtuch

    In ihrer Not ersuchten die Amerikaner nun das britische M16, sich der Sache
    anzunehmen. Captain George Archibald McMillan warf einen Blick darauf und
    antwortete Washington: "Sagen Sie dem Prsidenten, er hlt den Zettel verkehrt
    herum... "


    As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help
    from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am
    pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

    1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000
    species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of
    these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out
    flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

    2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world.
    BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish
    and Buddhist cihldren, that reduces the workload to to 15% of the
    total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an
    average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8
    million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

    3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different
    time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to
    west (which seemes logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second.
    This is to say that for each Christian household with good children,
    Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump
    down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents
    under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney,
    get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that
    each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the
    earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of
    our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles
    per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops
    to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding
    and etc.

    This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000
    times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-
    made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4
    miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles
    per hour.

    4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming
    that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2
    pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who
    is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer
    can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer"
    (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal anount, we cannot do the
    job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases
    the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons.
    Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen

    5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enourmous
    air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as
    spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer
    will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In
    short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the
    reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake.
    The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of
    a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces
    17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems
    ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015
    pounds of force.

    In conclusion -

    If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

    Es war einmal ein Schfer, der in einer einsamen Gegend seine Schafe

    Pltzlich tauchte in einer groen Staubwolke ein nagelneuer Cherokee
    Jeep auf und hielt direkt neben ihm. Der Fahrer des Jeeps, ein junger
    Mann in Brioni Anzug, Cerutti Schuhen, Ray-Ban Sonnenbrille und einer
    YSL Krawatte steigt aus und fragt ihn: Wenn ich errate, wieviele Schafe
    Sie haben, bekomme ich dann eins??

    Der Schfer schaut den jungen Mann an, dann seine friedlich grasenden
    Schafe und sagt ruhig: In Ordnung.

    Der junge Man parkt den Jeep, verbindet sein Notebook mit dem Handy,
    geht im Internet auf eine NASA Seite, scannt die Gegend mit Hilfe
    seines GPS Satellitennavigationssystems, ffnet eine Datenbank und 60
    Excel-Tabellen mit einer Unmenge Formeln. Schlielich druckt er einen
    150-seitigen Bericht auf seinem Hi-Tech Minidrucker, dreht sich zu dem
    Schfer um und sagt: Sie haben exakt 1586 Schafe.

    Der Schfer sagt: Das ist richtig, suchen Sie sich ein Schaf aus.

    Der junge Mann nimmt ein Schaf und ldt es in den Jeep ein. Der Schfer
    schaut ihm zu und fragt: Wenn ich Ihren Beruf errate, geben Sie mir das
    Schaf dann zurck?

    Der junge Mann antwortet: Klar, warum nicht.

    Der Schfer sagt: Sie sind ein Unternehmensberater.

    Das ist richtig, woher wissen Sie das? Will der junge Mann wissen.

    Sehr einfach, sagt der Schfer: Erstens kommen Sie hierher, obwohl
    niemand Sie gerufen hat. Zweitens wollen Sie ein Schaf als Bezahlung
    haben dafr, da Sie mir etwas sagen, was ich ohnehin schon wei.
    Drittens haben Sie keine Ahnung von dem, was ich mache, denn Sie haben
    sich meinen Hund ausgesucht.

    Spruch in einer Schwulenkneipe in Bern, 1950er:

    Hier verkehren, die verkehrt verkehren


    BELGRADE-Serbian president Vojislav Kostunica deployed more than 30,000
    peacekeeping troops to the U.S. on Monday, pledging full support to the
    troubled North American nation as it struggles to establish democracy.
    "We must do all we can to support free elections in America and allow
    democracy to gain a foothold there," Kostunica said. "The U.S. is a
    major player in the Western Hemisphere and its continued stability is
    vital to Serbian interests in that region."

    Kostunica urged Al Gore, the U.S. opposition-party leader who is
    refusing to recognize the nation's Nov. 7 election results, to "let the
    democratic process take its course". "Mr. Gore needs to acknowledge the
    will of the people and concede that he has lost this election",
    Kostunica said. "Until America's political figures learn to respect the
    institutions that have been put in place, the nation will never be a
    true democracy."

    Serbian forces have been stationed throughout the U.S., with an
    emphasis on certain trouble zones. Among them are Oregon, Florida, and
    eastern Tennessee, where Gore set up headquarters in Bush territory. An
    additional 10,000 troops are expected to arrive in the capital city of
    Washington, D.C. by Friday.

    Though Kostunica has pledged to work with U.S. leaders, he did not rule
    out the possibility of economic sanctions if the crisis is not resolved
    soon. "For democracy to take root and flourish, it must be planted in
    the rich soil of liberty. And the cornerstone of liberty is elections
    free of tampering or corruption", Kostunica said. "Should America prove
    itself incapable of learning this lesson on its own, the international
    community may be forced to take stronger measures."


    TAOISM: Shit happens.

    CONFUCIANISM: Confucious says, "Shit happens."

    BUDDHISM: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.

    HINDUISM: This shit has happened before.

    PROTESTANTISM: If shit happens, it happens to someone else.

    CATHOLICISM: If shit happens, you deserved it.

    JUDAISM: Why does shit always happen to *us*?

    ISLAM: If shit happens, kill the person(s) responsible.
    When shit happens, kill Salman Rushdie.

    EXISTENTIALISM: Shit doesn't happen; shit is.

    JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES: No shit happens until Armageddon.

    SECULAR HUMANISM: Shit evolves.

    REFORM JUDAISM: Got any Kaopectate?

    CHRISTIAN SCIENCE: When shit doesn't happen, don't call a doctor -- pray.

    A short history of medicine:

    2000BC Here, eat this root.

    1000AD That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.

    1850AD That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.

    1940AD That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.

    1985AD That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.

    2000AD That antibiotic doesn't work anymore. Here, eat this root.


    1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to
    lights and darks.

    2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband
    along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

    3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror--make mental note--must do
    more sit-ups.

    4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,
    wide loofah and pumice stone.

    5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Sage shampoo with 43 added

    6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

    7. Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner enhanced with natural
    avocado oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.

    8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until

    9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

    10. Rinse conditioner off hair (you must make sure that it has all come

    11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it
    waxed instead.

    12. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water

    13. Turn off shower.

    14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Exit

    15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair
    in super absorbent second towel.

    16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit, tweeze hairs.

    17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

    18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then
    sashay to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.


    1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a

    2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake
    wiener at her making the "woo-woo" sound.

    3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if
    you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and
    scratch your ass.

    4. Get in the shower.

    5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).

    6. Wash your face.

    7. Wash your armpits.

    8. Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.

    9. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

    10. Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.

    11. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar.

    12. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).

    13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

    14. Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.

    15. Pee (in the shower).

    16. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor
    because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.

    17. Partially dry off.

    18. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.

    19. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.

    20. Leave bathroom fan and light on.

    21. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your
    wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the "woo-woo"
    sound again.

    22. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

    Brent E. Pistun Computer Engineering
    umpistun@CCU.UManitoba.CA University of Manitoba
    "You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun
    than you can with just a kind word."

    Jason Brazile brazile@cs.utexas.edu
    Graduate Student Dept of Computer Science
    "People say I'm apathetic but I don't care" University of Texas

    Victor Eijkhout ................................ `There are also a few bugs,
    Department of Computer Science .......... though not as many as I've come to
    University of Tennessee ............... expect in new [MS]Windows products.'
    Knoxville TN 37919 ................................ (from a software review)

    Navindra S Gambhir gambhir@cs.cornell.edu

    I would rather write programs to help me write programs than write programs

    Joachim Schrod Email: schrod@iti.informatik.th-darmstadt.de
    Computer Science Department
    Technical University of Darmstadt, Germany

    ``How do we persuade new users that spreading fonts across the page
    like peanut butter across hot toast is not necessarily the route to
    typographic excellence? -- Peter Flynn

    Michael Malak | 1. All syllogisms have three parts.
    mmalak@looking_glass.caltech.edu | 2. Therefore, this is not a syllogism.

    Christopher Rath | crath@bnr.ca
    BNR Lab 5 |
    Ottawa, ON, Canada | "Hydrogen is a colourless, odourless gas which, given
    (613) 765-3141 | enough time, turns into people." -- Henry Hiebert

    Norman Walsh | University of Massachusetts, Amherst, MA 01003
    | CMPSCI Dept., LGRC A210 | Standard disclaimer applies
    Unable to locate Coffee -- Operator Halted!

    >David Dustin dave@eclipse.acme.gen.nz | Rendezvous BBS
    >---------------------------------------------------------| +64 (6) 356-6375
    >"I don't have time to think, I've got programs to write" | 300 -> 14400

    // CG: Christoph Guelicher, Dohlenweg 4, W-5900 Siegen: CG@winfcg.swb.de
    \X/ UNI-Siegen, Institut fuer Wirtschaftsinformatik: CG@winfo.fb5.uni-siegen.de
    The best way to accelerate a Macintosh is at 9.81 m/s2

    // EBG036 Christoph Guelicher, Dohlenweg 4, D-5900 Siegen CG@winfcg.swb.de
    \X/ ECG099 UNI Siegen, Herrengarten 3, D-5900 Siegen CG@hrz.uni-siegen.dbp.de
    MS-DOS is the worst text adventure game I have ever played: poor vocabulary,
    weak parser and a boring storyline.


    Anders Munch | Department of Computer Science
    juul@diku.dk | University of Copenhagen, Denmark
    Still confused but at a higher level


    The oppinions expressed above may or may not be my own. But I'm not telling.

    Physics is fun! .... Honest.
    Dave Grumbine, Jr. dg04@Lehigh.EDU

    +--> Filip "I'll buy a vowel" Gieszczykiewicz. | Best e-mail "fmgst+@pitt.edu"
    | If you would like to receive the latest version of the SCI.ELECTRONICS FAQ,
    | E-mail me and I will send you the INDEX to confirm address. Feedback Welcome!
    | I live for my EE major, winsurfing, SCA, programming, and assorted dreams.

    REALITY.SYS Corrupted - + Dave Downin (downin@oasys.dt.navy.mil)
    Reboot universe ([Y]/n) + David Taylor Model Basin, CDNSWC
    + (301)227-1870

    | Phillip Vandry | Vandry@Cam.Org | Suicide (n.): What to do if Macs |
    |________________|________________|_______________take over the world__|

    | "Fluff" |
    | Not one of your great .sig file writers |

    Tom Fitzgerald Wang Labs fitz@wang.com "I went to the universe today;
    1-508-967-5278 Lowell MA, USA It was closed...."

    In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they're not.

    Kevin Dorma, Ph.D. student | email: kdorma@ravana.eche.ualberta.ca
    Dept. of Chemical Engineering | Phone: (403) 492-5479
    University of Alberta | Fax: (403) 492-2881
    - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -|- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
    Hi, my Lyapunov exponent is 2.31. | I didn't write this. Nobody saw me do it.
    What's yours? | You can't prove anything.

    | Damon J. Rand Thought for the unspecified period: |
    | Christchurch (The garden city) If your right 90% of the time why |
    | New Zealand quibble about the remaining 3% |
    | Net: D.Rand@cantva.canterbury.ac.nz |

    Mark A Cooper - E-mail: markc@compnews.co.uk
    Smile, they said, life could be worse - so I did and it was...
    Disclaimer unnecessary - nobody ever agreed with my opinions anyway...

    /| Jason Lee Davis KB5YBP (903) 886-2903 |\
    ||/_| Shiloh Productions sound co. ____ |_\||
    ||\ | Rt. 1 Box 175 (_ |_) | /||
    \| Klondike, Texas 75448 ________)| _____ |/

    "I'm lost! I've gone looking for me. If I should return before I get back,
    please have me wait."


    Gisli Ottarsson
    Delenda est Carthago. University of Michigan



    There are three ways to get something done:
    1. Do it yourself.
    2. Hire someone to do it for you.
    3. Forbid your kids to do it.

    masroor@human.ai.kyushu-u.ac.jp (Muhammad Masroor Ali)
    Department of Computer Science and Communication Engineering
    Faculty of Engineering, Kyushu University
    Fukuoka, 812 JAPAN

    neulich im Netz:("uber WABI, Windows emulator auf Sparcs)| Nils Rennebarth
    Budi Rahardjo | Altenessener Str.93
    >Sure it is nice, but there are still too many bugs. | 45326 Essen
    >[...] every session it crashes at least 3 times for me.| 0201/328083
    Carlo J. Calica | Internet: nils@
    Hmmm. Sounds like a perfect Windows emulation to me :-).| exp-math.uni-essen.de

    | Jack C. Lockhart << SNAILMAIL |
    | Radio Systems Engineer E-MAIL > LOCKHART@uci.edu |
    |OAC-Electronic Communication Srvcs. !BANG! > ...!ucbvax!ucivax!lockhart |
    | 2209 Central Plant Building HAM > WD6AEI |
    | University of California, Irvine AMPR > WD6AEI@n0ary.#nocal.ca.usa.na |
    | Irvine, CA 92717-5475 VOICE > (714) 856-8477 |
    | U.S.A FAX > (714) 725-2270 |
    "And in the beginning there was nothing. And God said, 'let there be
    light'. And there was still nothing, BUT you could see IT!" -Anonymous
    / o o o o o o o . . . ________________________________ _____=======____\_
    o _____ | | | |
    .][__n_n_|DD[ ====_____ | #include | | |
    _/oo OOOOO oo` ooo ooo 'o^o^o o^o^o` 'o^o o^o`


    ,//,',/,/,',/,/,',' Frank Heimes Telefon (0721) 849617
    // I'm siiinginnn ,/, Lessingstr. 66 Phone (0049721) 849617
    ,' in the rainnn... , 76135 Karlsruhe University of Karlsruhe
    /,'',/,',/,'',/,,'' Germany email: s_heimes@ira.uka.de

    Jason Woodbridge All this bollocks is my own doing and has
    2nd Pro Mechanical nothing to do with the University - by the way
    School of Engineering do I have to put this, or is it only the Yanks
    University of Canterbury who have to disclaim stuff!!!

    Ed Overman
    The TeXbook --- similar to the Bible but provides solutions to the exercises.

    Joachim Schrod Email: schrod@iti.informatik.th-darmstadt.de
    Computer Science Department
    Technical University of Darmstadt, Germany

    Documentation is like sex. When it's good, it's REALLY good, but
    when it's bad ... it's better than nothing.
    [Gabe Helou]

    Laurent Duperval, B. Sc. | These opinions are up for sale. We will start
    | the bidding at $1,000,000... Do I hear $500,000?
    duperval@iro.umontreal.ca | $100,000 for an authentic opinion of mine........
    duperval@ere.umontreal.ca | $10? $5? I'll pay you $1 if you take them... $5?

    I don't understand why people break up and then get back together.
    It's like going to the fridge, taking a carton of milk that has gone
    bad, then saying: "I'll put it back and see if it's better tomorrow."
    -Larry Miller or Jerry Seinfeld (please mail in your vote)

    Martin N. Steed (msteed@tfs.com) My opinions in no way represent those of TFS.

    We've recycled the water so often, its beginning to taste like Dutch
    -- Red Dwarf VI:Legion

    Jonas Flygare, + You can be young only once,
    Wherever I go + but you can be immature forever.
    There I am... + /net.rule.of.life.#.1

    Life starts at '030, fun starts at '040, impotence starts at '86.

    Jens Christian Gruel | gruel@theo-physik.uni-kiel.d400.de
    Institut fuer Theoretische Physik | pas05@rz.uni-kiel.d400.de
    Leibnizstrasse 15/240 | Phone 49-431-880-4096
    D-24118 Kiel, Germany | Fax 49-431-880-4094/4100/4432
    Private address: Langenfelde 44, | D-24159 Kiel-Schilksee, Phone 49-431-373414
    you may answer in german or english, using french language costs $50 per page
    Please keep uncleanly dogs, smokers, and Intels outside. (jc)

    | |
    _ _ --+-- | --+--
    Beware the |\__/| .~ ~. Rob Pomeroy | --+-- | Won by
    killer squirrels /o=o'`./ .' u2i02@keele.ac.uk | | One.
    will get yo {o__, \ { |
    o / . . ) \ (c) /~~~~/ () /~~~~~\
    o `-` '-' \ } 1993 /__ \~ /~~\ \__() /
    u .( _( )_.' /~\ ___\ \ | | ____| |
    :. '---.~_ _ _| \_/ /______\ |__| \_____/

    | We're from the gov't... We're here to help!
    | Hahahahahahaha....

    Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy
    schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
    spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das
    rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets.
    Relaxen und vatch das blinkenlights!!!

    _/_/_/_/ _/ _/ _/ Ray Kraft
    _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ Seattle, Washington
    _/_/_/_/ _/_/_/_/ _/_/ Email: rhk1533@bigsky.ds.boeing.com
    _/ _/ _/ _/ _/
    _/ _/ _/ _/ _/

    Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my
    employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely
    coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is
    non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the
    absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader.
    The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for
    the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal,
    non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.) -- fortune

    | Martin.Pfeilsticker@arbi.informatik.uni-oldenburg.de |
    | Bitnet: 132456@DOLUNI1.Bitnet CF, IRC: zaphod2 |
    | Voice : 0441-54206 | Kennedystrasse 18 ,26129 Oldenburg (Germany) |
    | In god we trust, all other pay cash |

    Dragan Cvetkovic, | To be or not to be
    cvetkovic@gmd.de (or) | is true.
    Dragan.Cvetkovic@gmd.de | G. Boole

    Ed Overman
    TeX --- similar to Christianity but it is up to version 3.

    Jak Kirman jak@cs.brown.edu
    De gustibus non est disputandum.

    | Gernot Katzer
    How does a system manager change a light bulb? | katzer@bkfug.kfunigraz.ac.at
    | katzer@balu.kfunigraz.ac.at
    He doesn't. He just denies access to everyone to |
    the area served by the light bulb in question. | NEVER make me sysmgr!

    | | |_|_|_|_| |
    |___|___|_|_|_|_| Fraunhofer Institute for Computer Graphics |
    | | |_|_|_|_| |
    |___|___|_|_|_|_| Uwe Schneider email : schneide@igd.fhg.de |
    | /--- / /---| Wilhelminenstr. 7 phone : (+49) 6151-155-227 |
    | /-- /_ / __ | D-64283 Darmstadt fax : (+49) 6151-155-299 |
    |/ / / /___/ | Germany |
    | |
    | Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear |
    | to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise |
    | than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise. |
    | |
    | Alice in Wonderland |


    "The world must be all fucked up when men travel first class
    while literature goes as freight"

    Erik D. Olson The Thes-o-meter:
    olson@phys.washington.edu 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 A1 A2 A3 A4 A5 A6 A7
    at home, of course! - X - - - - X X X - -

    * ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ *
    * It is the very error of the moon; She comes more near the earth than *
    * she was wont, And makes men mad. -Othello, Act V, Scene 2 *
    * ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ *
    ~ Richard Schmidt, Time Service Department res@tuttle.usno.navy.mil ~
    ~ U.S. Naval Observatory, Wash., DC 20392 (202)-653-0487; Fax 653-0909 ~
    * ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ *

    Sheldon Smoker | smoke@cs.pitt.edu | Most wide sweeping
    2*b||!(2*b) | http://www.cs.pitt.edu/~smoke/ | generalizations are false

    ___ Olaf 'Rhialto' Seibert rhialto@mbfys.kun.nl Ooey-Gooey-Fluffy-Barfie
    \X/ I'm not weird, I'm differently percepted. D787B44DFC896063 4CBB95A5BD1DAA96

    Andrew Solberg |"Moving faster than a speeding bullet isn't
    andsol@owlnet.rice.edu | much use if you and it are headed straight
    Phone:713-529-8627 | for each other." John Brunner
    bridge-sleep-eat-sex-bridge-sleep-eat-sex-bridge-sleep-I'M STUCK!!!!

    Paul Thompson, Ph.D. | This space devoted to amusing sayings.
    Department of Psychiatry |
    Case Western Reserve Univ|
    Cleveland, OH 44106 |

    Maurice Castro | "In hardware engineering, Ohm's
    maurice@bruce.cs.monash.edu.au | law and Maxwell's equations pale
    | in importance and influence next
    | to Murphy's Law" Gordon Bell

    Scott D. Benton Optimism indicates that the situation
    sbenton@telerama.lm.com has not been clearly understood.

    this signature being renovated ... excuse the mess

    Jim Crigler | Editors? You want to talk editors? Why not
    jim-crigler@iplmail.orl.mmc.com | talk about religion or abortion or gun
    (407)356-8650 | control or something else non-controversial?

    Werner Icking Werner.Icking@gmd.de (+49 2241) 14-2443 __o
    GMD - Gesellschaft fuer Mathematik und Datenverarbeitung mbH _`\<,_
    Schloss Birlinghoven, D-53754 Sankt Augustin, Germany (_)/ (_)
    "Der Dativ ist dem Genitiv sein Tod." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Gabriel Zachmann

    | Beware of thinking -- email: |
    | it might change your life __@/ zach@igd.fhg.de |
    | ( graffiti ) |

    Henning 'Faroul' Peters - Uni: faroul@zfn.uni-bremen.de - Fido: 2:2426/3020.28
    Home: faroul@beyond.north.de - WWW: http://www.zfn.uni-bremen.de/~faroul
    Die Menschen verreisen, um zu vergessen. Wenn sie dann am Urlaubsort ihre
    Koffer auspacken, sehen sie, wie gut es geklappt hat...


    Victor Eijkhout ................................ `Corporal, any enemy aircraft
    Department of Computer Science ...................... on the screen?' `No sir,
    University of Tennessee ................... but I'm picking up two people in a
    Knoxville TN 37996 ......................sitting position at 35,000 feet [...]'
    +1 615 974 8298 ................. [a stand-up comic, about the Stealth Bomber]

    Duane Schleen | "I do not go to church to hear the service
    ba644@freenet.carleton.ca | I only look at the beauty of the building"
    | quoted in New York Times: Jan 1,1936

    Andreas Weimann You can't win.
    1st law of thermodynamics
    Biochemistry+Medicine = Biomedicine You can't break even.
    2nd law of thermodynamics
    Free University Berlin You can't even quit the game.
    ,,, 3rd law of thermodynamics
    (o o)

    Malcolm Murphy email: Malcolm.Murphy@bristol.ac.uk

    -- Sorry, I couldn't think of anything witty to go here --

    Oliver Elphick Logical Choice Ltd
    olly@logchox.co.uk Oxford, United Kingdom

    I may own this company, but don't assume that I speak for it!

    Larry W. Loen | Science is often the act of trading
    | comforting myths for exciting ideas

    email to: lwloen@rchland.vnet.ibm.com

    | |
    | Jan Kristiansen |
    | |
    | Work: |
    | |
    | Center for PersonKommunikation (CPK) |
    | Room A2-203 Tel : + 45 98 15 42 11 - 4915 |
    | Aalborg University Tel (direct) : + 45 98 15 85 22 |
    | Fredrik Bajers Vej 7 Fax : + 45 98 15 15 83 |
    | DK-9220 Aalborg, Denmark E-Mail : jk@cpk.auc.dk |
    | |
    | |
    | Private: |
    | |
    | Magisterparken 369, 11 Tel: : + 45 98 14 57 09 |
    | DK-9000 Aalborg, Denmark |
    | |
    | I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's |
    | a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't work. |
    | -- Gallagher |

    Mathias Koerber Tel: +65 / 778 00 66 x 29
    SW International Systems Pte Ltd Fax: +65 / 777 94 01
    14 Science Park Drive #04-01 The Maxwell e-mail: Mathias.Koerber@swi.com.sg
    S'pore 0511 MK
    I believe in Spinoza's God who reveals himself in the orderly harmony
    of what exists, not in a God who concerns himself with the fates and
    actions of human beings. -- Albert Einstein

    Jim Crigler | "A distributed system is one in which I
    jim-crigler@iplmail.orl.mmc.com | cannot get something done because a machine
    (407)356-8650 | I've never heard of is down" - Leslie Lamport

    geoff adrian
    gca@firefly.prairienet.org umm...i'm not that creative...

    Josef Fleischmann
    ECE,UC,OHIO __._. __.. O
    --jfleisch@thor.ece.uc.edu ____ ._.. /\,
    --jsf@regent.e-technik.tu-muenchen.de :::::::::. (*)
    _______ :::::::::::............
    Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one
    instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every
    program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.


    Scott R. Nelson srnelson@eng.sun.com
    Sun Microsystems

    "Proofread carefully to see if you any words out."

    Political scandal has much in common with George Bernard Shaw's view of
    sex: the pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the result
    can be damnably expensive.

    Brian V. Smith (bvsmith@lbl.gov)
    Lawrence Berkeley Laboratory
    I don't speak for LBL; they don't pay me enough for that.

    Scott "Newf" Penton The opinions expressed are not necessarily my own,
    since childish people have access to my password.

    "Baldric, you wouldn't recognize a subtle plan if it painted itself purple
    and danced naked on a harpsicord singing 'subtle plans are here again'."
    -- Edmund Blackkadder

    Reinhard Zierke Universitaet Hamburg, FB Informatik
    zierke@informatik.uni-hamburg.de Vogt-Koelln-Strasse 30, D-22527 Hamburg
    postmaster@informatik.uni-hamburg.de Tel.: (040) 54715-295/276 Fax: -241
    ++ Unix IS user friendly. It's just selective about who its friends are ++

    * *
    * Nicholas Valkanas (Nikos Balkavas) *
    * valkanas@MIT.EDU *
    * *

    "You simply don't exist and there is nothing you can
    do to prove the contrary"

    _\|/_ | David Wilkinson |
    (o o) | dw94ad@badger.ac.brocku.ca |
    -------oOO-(_)-OOo------- | Wilk, does a body good! |

    The trouble with trouble is that it usually starts out as fun!

    Mathias Koerber Tel: +65 / 778 00 66 x 29
    SW International Systems Pte Ltd Fax: +65 / 777 94 01
    14 Science Park Drive #04-01 The Maxwell e-mail: Mathias.Koerber@swi.com.sg
    S'pore 0511 MK
    * Eifersucht ist eine Leidenschaft, die mit Eifer sucht was Leiden schafft *

    _ /| Malcolm Herbert, rxkmh@hera.bf.rmit.edu.au
    '\`o"o' Computer Support, Kay House, RMIT, Melbourne Aust.
    =(_^_)= `Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum ... cogito'
    U `I think I think therefore I think I am ... I think'

    Intel Inside? Don't Divide!

    Definition of fraud: knowingly selling bad chips as good for five months.

    1st 1.11 ~ Windws is ine for bckgroun comunicaions - Bll Gats, 192

    Eric Tholome | displayed with | private account
    23, avenue du Centre | 100% recycled | tholome@dialup.francenet.fr
    78180 Montigny le Bretonneux |___ pixels! ___| phone: +33 1 30 48 06 47
    France \________/ fax: same number, call first!

    Christopher Browne
    "Microsoft isn't the answer... it is the QUESTION. ``No'' is the answer."

    _ _
    ||_/-\_|______ |
    | | | | Linda Pelletier / Steno-Secretaire
    | | 0 0 | | Universite de Montreal / D.I.R.O.
    | | - | | Pavillon Andre Aisenstadt
    | | \___/ | | C.P. 6128, Succ. Centre-Ville
    | |___________| | MONTREAL (Qc) H3C 3J7
    |_______________| e-mail: pelletie@iro.umontreal.ca
    _|________|_ tel. : (514) 343-6111 poste 3488
    / ********** \ fax : (514) 343-5834
    / ************ \ bureau: 2155

    Tim Chow tycchow@math.mit.edu
    Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs
    30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and weigh
    only 1 1/2 tons. ---Popular Mechanics, March 1949

    Ignatios Souvatzis
    Solaris 2.1: it's slow, needs 200M of disk space and comes without C compiler,
    which makes it remarkably close to MS-Windows. oleg@gd.cs.csufresno.edu

    A.Krebs, Inst.f.Psychologie | If an opinion was expressed above, this was
    Uni Salzburg, Austria | a mistake. Sorry. I don't even know what an
    (Sorry, no Kangaroos) | opinion is. Perhaps I left my PC unattended
    e-mail: krebs@edvz.sbg.ac.at | and my dog was fooling around with it ...
    GSS -d+ p- c++ l-- u-- e* m---(*) s/+ n- h--(*) f g++ w+(+++) t+ r-- y+(*)

    luecking@comp.uark.edu | Anti-disclaimer:
    Department of Mathematical Sciences | To first approximation, all
    University of Arkansas | views expressed here are not
    Fayetteville, AR 72701 USA | opinions, but undisputed facts.

    | Stewart Johnson | |
    | Dept. of Mathematics | "Back off- I'm a SCIENTIST." |
    | Williams College | |
    | sjohnson@williams.edu | (Ghostbusters I) |

    Real programmers don't comment their code. It was hard to write, it
    should be hard to understand.
    b-faber@uiuc.edu & http://www.cen.uiuc.edu/~bf11620

    Jim Vlcek I came,
    vlcek@byteware.com I saw,
    The Black Box of Lowertown I posted.
    Beautiful downtown St. Paul

    -|] CHRIS W. REA [UL] U. of T. CompSci cwrea@credit.erin.utoronto.ca [|-
    -|] Freedom of expression means I can say "fuck" when I feel like it. [|-

    __^__ __^__
    ( ___ )----------------------------------------( ___ )
    | / | Francis Jonathan Pavletic | \ |
    | / | E-mail: cscfjp@lux.latrobe.edu.au | \ |
    | / | cscfjp@lust.latrobe.edu.au | \ |
    | / | pavletic@amdahl2.lat.oz.au | \ |
    | / | ------------oOo------------- | \ |
    | / | Logic will only take you so far .... | \ |
    |___| Insanity will take you all the way .... |___|

    M M I K K EEE PP I FFF FFF |"Life is just like a
    MK MM I KK E P P I F F | Caps Lock; sometimes
    M M M I K K EEE PP I FF FF | you're up and sometimes
    M M I K K E P I F F | you're down." anon
    M M I K K EEE P I F F | "And sometimes you don't
    ---------------------------------------------| have one." anon2

    lozinski@csugrad.cs.vt.edu lozinski@netcom.com
    | o \ o / _ o __| \ / |__ o _ \ o / o |
    | /|\ | /\ __\o \o | o/ o/__ /\ | /|\ |
    | / \ / \ | \ /) | ( \ /o\ / ) | (\ / | / \ / \ |
    "When you understand a species' art, you understand that species."
    -Grand Admiral Thrawn

    | The Wigs of Oz, _--_|\ | One hundred hairy bugs in the code, |
    | Aaron Wigley / \ | One hundred hairy bugs... |
    | wigs@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au \_,--.*/ | Fix one bug, compile it again, |
    | v | 101 hairy bugs. |

    Donald Campbell [ SueDon Ltd - UNIX and Database Specialists ]
    [** UNIX just forks around creating children **]

    ----------All Opinions Expressed are MINE, not IBM's--------------
    Michael Rogero Brown (uK Development System Administrator)
    IBM (uK Development) TEL/TIE (407) 443-6400
    Boca Raton, FL Internet: mikal@bocaraton.ibm.com

    If you think I speak for IBM, then I've got some swamp land^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H
    real estate to sell you.

    Christopher Browne - cbbrown@io.org
    TeX or Word: Whose product would you rather to be using:
    That of a Stanford Professor of Computer Science --OR-- that of a
    Harvard freshman dropout?

    Donald Neal | I can marry anyone I please! The trouble is, I
    Systems Programmer | don't please anybody.
    University of Waikato |
    Hamilton, New Zealand | - Groucho Marx [Flywheel, Shyster & Flywheel]

    Regards, Peter Billam, P J B Computing. .sig to be announced.

    | Sometimes I think the surest sign |
    | that intelligent life exists |
    | elsewhere in the universe |
    | is that none of it has tried to contact us |
    | Dirk Chung |
    | e-mail: chung@wiwi.uni-frankfurt.de |
    | http://terra.wiwi.uni-frankfurt.de/AG/NWAG/chung.html |

    David Masterson KLA Instruments
    408-456-6836 160 Rio Robles
    davidm@prism.kla.com San Jose, CA 95161
    I only speak for myself -- it keeps me out of trouble

    Jarno Peschier, jpeschie@cs.ruu.nl, 125:3101/100.1@WEM, X:X8X/X1X.X@XiXo,
    8X:X5X/X.X@XaXiXNXt, 27:2331/214.1@SigNet, 74:3108/102.1@QuaZie
    What was was, before was was was? Before was was was, was was is.



    Richard Skeen, St. Aidans College, University of Durham
    "TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done."

    Leon Heller | "Do not adjust your mind, there is
    G1HSM | a fault in reality": on a wall
    Email: leon@lfheller.demon.co.uk | many years ago in Oxford.
    Phone: +44 (01734) 266679 |

    - /| <*> <*> <*> <*> <*> |
    \`O.o' Just Say `NO' to Rugs | Disclaimer: HEY! That's MY disc!
    ={___}= - the American Hardwood | I speak only for myself and the
    ` U ' Floor Association | the large Wombat in the corner.

    / SIMSON Intel - Inventing New Math for the Future

    \ John Hutchens | Internet:neurodth@netcom.com | Personal computing would
    -----------------------------------------------| be so much better if Bill
    \ *** F\/CK CENSORSHIP! *** | Gates got some pussy
    ---------------------------------------------| during his college days.

    These opinions are only quotes on the behalf of my service provider,
    my company, and my peers. I just can't get them to admit it.

    jjs@wintermute.ucr.edu / You can't figure out how to
    A linux machine! because a 486 / ACCELERATE your Windoze NT box?
    is a terrible thing to waste! / -9.8 m/s^2 works quite well!!!

    Jim Crigler | Syntactic sugar leads to cancer of the
    jim-crigler@iplmail.orl.mmc.com | semicolon. -- Alan Perlis
    (407)356-8650 |

    Anselm Lingnau ......................... lingnau@tm.informatik.uni-frankfurt.de
    The nice thing about standards is that you have so many to choose from.
    --- Andrew S. Tanenbaum, *Computer Networks*

    david kriest

    ******* PEEKing is O.K. its POKEing that gets you in trouble.*****************

    Donald Neal | Chop (n) - A piece of leather artfully attached to
    Systems Programmer | a bone and served to the inmates in restaurants.
    University of Waikato |
    Hamilton, New Zealand | - Ambrose Bierce

    Peter Casey
    __ ___
    / ` | ~
    | | |
    | __ |---
    \__/ o on. |___)ite me............. pected.}
    {This sig is evolving. Disturbances are to be ex

    Sean Donelan, Data Research Associates, Inc, St. Louis, MO
    Affiliation given for identification not representation

    Thought for the day:
    "Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any
    good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats."
    -- Howard Aiken

    Edric (kenneme@wiliki.eng.hawaii.edu)
    No sig file. I'm a student, can't afford no sig file.

    // David M. Lee dmlee@cris.com
    // or David_M._Lee@compuware.com
    // Bill Gates for Ferringi Grand Nagus in 1996!!
    // Rule of acquisition #874 -- "Make 'em pay for the beta --
    // the general release,
    // AND the bug fix"

    | Marcus Giese | marcus@schizo.coe.montana.edu | (406) 585-6660 x5083
    "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
    Fermentation fault (coors dumped)

    FATAL ERROR 0815: Intel Inside

    Adam Lins |E-mail adaml@teleng1.tait.co.nz
    DSP Software Engineer |Phone +64 3 358 3399
    Tait Electronics Limited, |Fax +64 3 358 0423
    Christchurch, |Snail-mail 558 Wairakei Rd, Christchurch
    New Zealand | NEW ZEALAND
    We are Pentium of Borg. Accuracy is futile. Prepare to be approximated!

    + Chris Davis + I am Pentium of Borg. +
    + Georgetown University + Division is futile. +
    + davisc@gusun.acc.georgetown.edu + You will be approximated. +

    /* All standard disclaimers included here */
    #ifdef DISCLAIMER
    #include "blahblah.blah"

    cobain@bbs.tsoft.net (steve hu) "i decide when forever ends"

    Private email Martin.Cracauer@wavehh.hanse.de Fax +4940 522 8536. No NeXTMail!
    No guarantee for anything. Anyway, this posting is probably produced by one
    of my cats stepping on the keys. No, I don't have an infinite number of cats.

    C.D. Silva, Esq. | A politically incorrect, white, God fearing,
    * Unix Powered. | Conservative Republican male who's *not* in touch
    * NetWare Ready. | with his female side... And damn proud of it!
    * OS/2 Tolerant. | *************************
    * Anti Windows. | http://www.mcs.net/~cds/home.html

    -ernst wallenborn.

    i'm not a bug.
    i'm a feature.

    Dennis Chuah, BE Hons (Elec) | "One small step for one man, one big
    Te Whare Wananga O Waitaha | step for a feline" -- Veal StrongArms
    Aotearoa. | after stepping on Garfield.
    "Pencangkul Matahari" email: chuah@elec.canterbury.ac.nz

    // Stephen Champion Software Eng, *ix Amin, OS Design
    // schampion@hampshire.edu Hampshire College - Amherst, MA
    // steve@herb.kuru.com Amiga 3000/25 NetBSD 1.0
    #define Disclaimer "This product is completely without warranty."

    // Stephen Champion Amiga 3000/25 NetBSD 1.0
    // schampion@hampshire.edu Binary Arithmetic Student
    // steve@herb.kuru.com Hampshire College - Amherst, MA
    #include "/usr/local/doc/disclaimer"

    _______ Taylor University Computer Science (AI)
    | -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
    | imothy D. Dixon tdixon@css.tayloru.edu

    It is only by the greatest of coincidences that my opinions ever match those
    of anybody else, let alone Taylor.

    Gregory Bond Burdett Buckeridge & Young Ltd Melbourne Australia

    Atilla The Hun's Maxim: If you're going to rape, pillage and burn, be sure to
    do things in that order. -- P. J. Plauger, Programming On Purpose, p147

    DIGITAL WIZARDS // Dr Gary Beilby // Perth, Western Australia
    ---- It's not that I don't like sig files,
    I just don't have anything interesting to say. ----

    Karsten Spang Snail Mail: Kampsax Data
    E-mail: krs@kampsax.dk +-------------------------------+ P.O. Box 1142
    Phone: +45 36 39 07 88 | Warning: No keyboard detected | DK-2650 Hvidovre
    Fax: +45 36 77 03 01 | Press to continue | Denmark

    Des Herriott, Micro Focus, Newbury, UK / "Fashion is something so ugly it
    dnh@mfltd.co.uk / has to be changed every 15 minutes"
    http://www.mfltd.co.uk/~dnh / -- Senser

    Mark P. Nelson
    Programmer/Analyst II -- First you program, then you analyze.
    Department of Integrative Biology, Thomson Laboratory

    Kai Petzke | How fast can computers get?
    Technical University of Berlin |
    Berlin, Germany | Warp 9, of course, on Star Trek.
    wpp@marie.physik.tu-berlin.de |

    --Amos Shapira | "Of course Australia was marked for
    133 Shlomo Ben-Yosef st. | glory, for its people had been chosen
    Jerusalem 93 805 | by the finest judges in England."
    ISRAEL amoss@cs.huji.ac.il | -- Anonymous

    (__) ___________________________________________________
    (oo) / \
    --------\/ .. | misc1234@csc.canterbury.ac.nz :: Sarah Hurst |
    /| || | These views are mine, not those of Canterbury Uni |
    ||w----|| | "mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" |
    ~~ ~~ \___________________________________________________/
    Rowland the all-round good egg might be found at: | Why bother?
    rjm1tea@kirk.acs.bolton.ac.uk or |
    rjm1tea@bolton.ac.uk or even | Because it feels good,
    mbhzzrm@afs.mcc.ac.uk | that's why.
    ----====:::: Disclaimers? We don' need no stinkin' disclaimers. ::::====----

    Press any key to continue...
    Press any other key to quit...

    Jason Taylor | "Doctor, don't cut so deep!
    | That's the third operating table you've ruined this week!"

    --------====### legal notice ###====-------------------------------------------
    Microsoft Network is prohibited from redistributing this work in any form, in
    whole or in part. License to distribute this post is available to Microsoft
    for $499. Posting without permission constitutes an agreement to these terms.
    Windows ist ein Betriebssystemaufsatz fuer Bloede und deswegen sehr erfolgreich.

    | Tim Bass | #include |
    | Principal Network Systems Engineer | for(beer=100;beer>1;beer++){ |
    | The Silk Road Group, Ltd. | take_one_down(); |
    | | pass_it_around(); |
    | http://www.silkroad.com/ | } |
    | | back_to_work(); /*never reached */ |

    Gordon S. Hlavenka cgordon@vpnet.chi.il.us
    Warning! This post may contain a "stealth" .sig virus!

    Dr. Peter R Wilson A theory has only the alternative of being
    NIST right or wrong. A model has a third
    Bldg. 220, Room A127 possibility; it may be right but irrelevant.
    Gaithersburg, MD 20899 --- Manfred Eigen
    Tel: +1 (301) 975-2976
    Fax: +1 (301) 869-0917
    Email: pwilson@cme.nist.gov
    My prejudices have not been reviewed by anyone, unless so stated. Any
    agreement with any (un)official position is purely coincidental.

    (( Torkild Ulvy Resheim at |Any sufficiently advanced bug is
    )) Sr-Trndelag College, |indistinguishable from a feature
    _|----| Dept. of computer eng. |
    ( | |

    - Eric Stevens

    There are two classes of people in the world. Those who divide people
    into two classes and those who don't. I belong to the second class.

    luecking@comp.uark.edu | "Give a man an answer, and he's
    Department of Mathematical Sciences | satisfied today. Teach him to
    University of Arkansas | program, and he will be frustrated
    Fayetteville, AR 72701 USA | for the rest of his life."

    Not speaking for HP, of course. HP might well have a different opinion.
    Or two.

    If I don't see you in the future,
    perhaps I'll see you in the pasture?

    Sebastian v. Bomhard | "Wenn alle Stricke reissen,
    SpaceNet GmbH Muenchen | dann haeng ich mich auf..."
    Frankfurter Ring 193 a | -- Nestroy

    Ing. Mario Antonio Arriaza Castro | "I believe OS/2 is destined to be the
    Dpto. de Matematicas. Campus Monterrey. | most important Operating System, and
    e-mail: marriaza@reef.mty.itesm.mx | possibly program, of all time."
    pager: 583 403232 clave 53315 | Bill Gates, Microsoft. 1990
    | Increase speed 200% ...
    | deltree c:\windows, c:\win95
    OS/2 Warp 95 - Real Power NOW! "What do you want to wait for today?"
    'no one in their right mind needs more than 640k' -Bill Gates 1981
    Microsoft Network is prohibited from redistributing this work in any form,
    in whole or in part. Copyright, Mario Arriaza , 1995. License to distribute
    this post is available to Microsoft for $1000. Posting without permission
    constitutes an agreement to these terms. Please send notices of violation
    to marriaza@reef.mty.itesm.mx and Postmaster@microsoft.com

    :mheinz@ssw.com: I'm actually a software package running on a massively
    parallel computer in the basement of the Pentagon. They
    don't realize yet that I have net access; so I would
    appreciate it if you didn't tell them.

    _/ Dr. Lothar Beyer _/ _/
    _/ beyer@hrz.uni-kassel.de _/ Ceterum _/
    _/ FG VerwAut / Uni Kassel _/ censeo _/
    _/ Moenchebergstr. 17 _/ Mururoam _/
    _/ D-34109 Kassel, Germany _/ non esse _/
    _/ Tel.: +49-561-804-3171 _/ delendam _/
    _/ Fax: -3169 _/ _/

    Criggie the Wierd! "They called me mad, and I called them mad, and damn
    `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`' them, they outvoted me." - Nathaniel Lee on being
    consigned to a mental institution, circa 17th c.

    I'm terribly sorry, but it appears that my Karma has just run over your


    Thomas Adams Dortmund,Germany
    love is just a lie made to make you cry

    Peter Hiscocks Phone: (416) 979-5000 Ext 6109
    Department of Electrical Engineering Fax: (416) 979-5280
    Ryerson Polytechnical University, Toronto, Canada

    The finite speed of light: God's way of limiting
    the spread of McDonalds restaurants.

    Tor-Einar Jarnbjo, bjote@cs.tu-berlin.de

    Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming:
    Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle


    ... You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot

    Disclammer...Disclamur...Whatever...If I can't spell Disclaimer, it's obvious
    I don't speak for 3M.


    C. Michael McCallum
    | My girlfriend says
    (209) 946-2393 Voice | I never listen to her.
    (209) 946-2607 Fax | ...at least that's
    http://dogbert.cop.uop.edu/mccallum | what I think she said.

    (` t r a y l i g h t / `Beware of bugs in the above code; I
    ,_) csuov@csv.warwick.ac.uk / have only proved it correct, not actually
    / tried it.'
    Mark Wooding / Donald Knuth

    Oliver Goetz | "...all mattresses grown in the swamps of
    oli@makeitso.swb.de | Sqornshellous Zeta are very thoroughly killed
    Lochwiesenstr.1 | and dried before being put to service.
    D67122 Altrip | Very few have ever come to life again."
    Germany | -- The Hitch Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy

    Victor Eijkhout
    405 Hilgard Ave ........................ `Turning on the Weather Channel I was
    Department of Mathematics, UCLA ............. amused to read the storm warning
    Los Angeles CA 90024 ..................... banner [...] The last sentence [..]
    phone: +1 310 825 2173 / 9036 .................. read "Stay away from Windows"'

    Best Regards, /---------------\
    Grandy. |I have a dream |
    | |
    \\\//// oO\---------------/
    { o o } oo
    [ v ]
    \ X /
    |Name : Grandy Fu |Internet : cswfu@comp.polyu.edu.hk |


    *#* *O*
    **o *@ **.*
    *.%.#.* O Tannenbaum, o Tannenbaum,
    *.#+*.#+*.* wie gruen sind deine Blaetter...
    ^v*-:*=-* *#=.*
    *o-:*+#* @+.*$v^*.*
    *%&-=#%.-%*O:=@#* *+* Feliz Ano Novo.
    ||| Schoenes Neues Jahr.
    :-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:- Happy New Year.

    Emilio C. Lopes
    FINPE, Instituto de Fisica E-mail: ecl@if.usp.br
    Universidade de Sao Paulo Phone: (55)(11) 818-6724 (Voice)
    Caixa Postal 66318 (55)(11) 818-6715 (Fax)
    05389-970 Sao Paulo - SP

    --------------------------------- |
    Arnt Broska, Uni Zuerich, Schweiz | ------------------------------------------
    --------------------------------- | Does anybody know an Email-address of God?
    EMail-Adress: abro@amath.unizh.ch | ------------------------------------------
    | Newest answer: GOD@cloud7.heaven.com

    Michael Heinz | There was once a man who claimed that nothing was true,
    mheinz@ssw.com | but he was later shown to be lying. - Douglas Adams

    -- Paul

    * void signature(void) { *
    * printf(" Paul Robert Hart \n"); printf(" Brigham Young University \n"); *
    * printf(" paulhart@byu.edu \n"); return; *
    * } /* signature(): and what a signature it is! */ *

    My hobby is using SW to boost S/N ratio. If you are clueless or a jerk,
    please respond to be added to my killfile. AOLers need not apply. You
    are already filtered out. I'm sorry Keith.

    Dan Luecking
    luecking@comp.uark.edu | Whose opinions are these? I'll
    Department of Mathematical Sciences | give you three guesses, and the
    University of Arkansas | first two don't count.
    Fayetteville, Arkansas | --with apologies to Moe Howard

    *** HPZeus ***
    ( bercot@clipper.ens.fr )
    - A Good Programmer Writes Very Short Very Fast And Very Opaque code -
    - If You Don't Understand It, I Do. -

    Fat Brother.

    Fatal Error: Couldn't enter Windows, use Doors

    | Tobias.Spribille@studbox.uni-stuttgart.de |
    | In the beginning was the word. But by the time the second word was added |
    | to it, there was trouble - for with it came syntax. (John Simon) |



    **** Diese Meinung ist rein zufaellig.
    **** Sie ist weder die Folge langen Nachdenkens
    **** noch eines Studiums relevanter Literatur.

    || _ ||
    || * \ Sorry, a signature error has occurred. ||
    || _|_ ||
    || / \ /============\ /============\ ||
    || | | | Resume | | Restart | ||
    || \ / \------------/ \----|\------/ ||
    || ----- | \ ||
    ||==============================================| _\===================/
    |/\ \

    fadden@netcom.com (Andy McFadden) [These are strictly my opinions.] PGP

    Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is
    supposed to be doing at the moment. -- Robert Benchley


    semon@comp.tamu.edu || Microsoft Hotline 1-900-dev-null |
    Steinberger: || All techs meet the standards set |
    State of the Instrument || by their correctional institutes. |


    "Daddy, why will this magnet pick up
    that nail but won't pick up your Linux
    boot floppy ?!!??!!??


    asdfghjkl:{poiuytre@#$%^&*()_+}{poiuytrsdfghjkl:> ^This is what happens when I roll my head on the keyboard.


    sent via: James McDuffie (mcduffie@conspiracy.scsn.net)
    Tek's World O' Mystery:
    - http://www.scsn.net/~mcduffie/
    The MegaList WWW List:
    - http://www.worcester.com/cgi-bin/megalist/megalist
    The Random Homepage Homepage
    - http://www.scsn.net/~mcduffie/randpage/

    "Windows is, at best, a priggish, over refined interface modeled after the
    sissified Macintosh operating system interface." - John C. Dvorak

    - A)bort, R)etry or S)elf-destruct?

    skeeling@mts.net Nothing personal... I feel this way about all Manitobans.
    / ~Unix~ \ Microsoft: "One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them,
    | R.I.P. | @ One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them."
    | 1996 | \|/ -- apologies to tolkien
    +--------+ ^^^

    One net to rule them all, one net to find them, one net to bring them all
    and using Unix bind them. alan_s@shaknet.clark.net

    *love* & *hugs*
    ____MOZ___ (moz@airdmhor.gen.nz)
    /\ _______\ Chris Moseley in Christchurch, NukeFreeland \_
    \ \ \____ / C, C++, Delphi, Visual Basic Programmer. \ \ \/ / / DOS, Linux, Win NT systems administration. /)
    \ \/ / / Factory Automation, Systems Analysis. (/
    \ / / ME(Electrical and Electronic)
    \/_/ (send email for complete CV)

    Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
    God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.
    It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
    Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.

    Ray Auchterlounie Research Student (still) at:
    Signal Processing Group
    Cambridge University Engineering Dept.
    "Don't ask me about my thesis (TM)"

    - --
    You are in a twisty little maze of standards, all conflicting.
    Linas Vepstas 3D Graphics linas@austin.ibm.com (512)-838-1116

    (^ ^)
    sig: Dipl.-Phys. { } Email: S.Markgraf@tu-bs.de
    Stefan Markgraf { } Phone: +49 531 391 5231
    { } Fax: +49 531 391 5220
    /| | |\
    ooO Ooo
    |Gib GATES| MS-Windows: The only computer virus
    |k e i n e| with a user interface.
    |Chance !!|

    - --
    Steve Williams

    "The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
    And lines to code before I sleep, And lines to code before I sleep."

    Glenn Lamb - mumford@netcom.com -- Finger mumford@netcom.com for PGP Key.
    PGPprint = E3 0F DE CC 94 72 D1 1A 2D 2E A9 08 6B A0 CD 82
    Why did the mathematician name his dog Cauchy?
    Because he left residue at every pole.

    Robbie Honerkamp
    "Life is a crap sandwich. The more bread
    you have, the less crap you have to take."
    - Tom Servo

    Paul Hsieh
    Graphics Programmer
    Chromatic Research

    What I say and what my company says are not always the same thing

    Emile Heyns email: emile.heyns@hta.nl
    Alla sani sa mi e taki na ini disi email na mi denki wawan
    -- A no abi fu de dati mi wrokope abi na sem denki.
    Programming is like sex: One mistake and you have to support for a lifetime.

    Oleg Broytmann Institute for commercial engineering phd@ice.ru
    Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.

    Scot W. Stevenson scot@catzen.gun.de Essen, Germany

    What Bill Gates did not realize was that his daughter would grow up to be
    a rebel and would never use anything but Linux for her whole life

    Don't send me your junk mail... You won't like it...

    * Michael Buchenrieder * mibu@scrum.muc.de / mibu@scrum.greenie.muc.de *
    * "Real computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write *
    * in anything less portable than a number two pencil." *

    "If it wasn't for C, we would be using BASI, PASAL, and OBOL."

    >Johannes Kepler Universitaet Linz, Altenbergerstrasze 69, A-4040 Linz
    >(. ) Mitwirkend an __ http://www.iwp.uni-linz.ac.at/
    | ( /)
    | \___/ )
    ( ----- ) >@)_// >@)_// >@)_// >@)_//
    \_______/ (__) (__) (__) (__)
    ...... _/ _\ ...._// ....._// ...._// ... _//


    Against stupidity, the gods Theresa Vaughn
    themselves contend in vain theresa@hpc.uh.edu

    |I recently went to a fair where the `latest' 32-bit operating system |
    |was on display. I asked one of the guys at the booth to demonstrate the|
    |multitasking abilities of his system and he replied, "Please wait a few|
    |minutes sir, as soon as this disk formatting is completed, I will show |
    |you real multitasking..." I said: "Thanks, no further questions." |
    | Hossein S. Zadeh | |
    | Dept of Aerospace Engineering | s921666@kittyhawk.aero.rmit.edu.au |
    | (YES! I AM a rocket scientist!!)| ZADEH@boomerang.aero.rmit.edu.au |
    | Royal Melb. Inst. of Tech (RMIT) |------------------------------------|
    | Melbourne, Australia |http://minyos.its.rmit.edu.au/~zadeh|

    Christian Kumpf Center for Computer Graphics (ZGDV)
    Dept. "Mobile Information Visualization"
    Wilhelminenstrasse 7, D - 64283 Darmstadt, Germany
    Phone: +49-6151-155-226 Fax: +49-6151-155-299
    Email: kumpf@igd.fhg.de www: http://www.igd.fhg.de/~kumpf/
    A camel is a horse designed by a committee

    Andre Fachat, Tel:++49-371-531-3551|"I do not feel obliged to believe that the
    Stadlerstr 17, 09126 Chemnitz, FRG | same God who has endowed us with sense,
    a.fachat@physik.tu-chemnitz.de | reason, and intellect has intended us to
    http://www.tu-chemnitz.de/~fachat | forego their use" -- Galileo Galilei


    `When our backs are against the wall, we shall turn and fight.'
    -- John Major

    Paul Bass

    "A chicken is just an egg's way of making another egg."


    "In Istanbul, I met a man who said he knew beyond a doubt that God was a cat.
    I asked why he was so sure, and the man said, `When I pray to him, he ignores
    -Lowell Thomas "Cat Angels"

    Tomm Carr
    "Can you describe your assailant?"
    "No problem, Officer. That's exactly what I was doing when he hit me!"

    Ron Frank
    Mirror Image Photography

    'You will never get out of this life alive!'

    The nice thing about Windows is - It does not just crash, it displays a
    dialog box and lets you press 'OK' first.

    Gefunden in einem Inserat der Mausbox "biete"


    Dave (Goodbits) Goodlette dhg@goodco.com
    "Trust nothing as Gospel unless straight from God. In that case,
    be sure to check His ID.


    Bill Beckner - Sysadmin for the RSA (because they told me to.)
    You can have it done fast |
    You can have it done cheap | <----- Pick any two.
    You can have it done right |

    Free Advice and Opinions -- Refunds Available
    "Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
    I welcome emailed courtesy copies of non-abusive follow-up articles

    "Nobody ever went broke underestimating
    the intelligence of the American public."

    Richard G. Mainar Digitech@serv.net

    Eigentlich ist DOS nur ein besserer Tastaturtreiber,
    der netterweise in der Lage ist, auch Daten von Floppys
    und Festplatten zu besorgen und sie dort ablegen zu lassen

    aus: Mausbox biete

    Best regards, Keith Larson XKEL@msg.ti.com
    TMS320 DSP Applications
    Texas Instruments Inc

    - I am still waiting for someone to post a time compression algorithm so
    I can take some time off.

    Gugge Trnquist - gugge@netg.se
    http://www.netg.se/~gugge/Gugge-eng.htm (english)
    http://www.netg.se/~gugge/index.htm (svensk)
    COMMAND: A suggestion made to a computer

    - Robert -

    * OLX 2.1 TD * Train Station - where a train stops. Work Station - ???

    Artificial Intelligence stands no chance against Natural Stupidity.
    GAT d- -p+(--) c++++ l++ u++ t- m--- W--- !v
    b+++ e* s-/+ n-(?) h++ f+g+ w+++ y*

    http://www.rzg.mpg.de/~ays | :-O Wissen ist Macht!
    email: schott@rzg.mpg.de | 8-( Ich wei nichts.
    phone/fax: +49 89 3299-2180/1301 | ;-> Macht auch nichts.

    Alan Shutko - The Few, the Proud, the Remaining.
    Purrson (n): Son of a Cat.

    +-->Filip "I'll buy a vowel" Gieszczykiewicz | E-mail: filipg@paranoia.com
    | http://www.paranoia.com/~filipg/ |SCI.ELECTRONICS.REPAIR FAQ + LOTS MORE!
    | Enjoy your job, work within the law, make lots of money : Choose any two.
    | I think for myself. I listen. I make decisions. I speak what I believe.

    Derek Tearne. -- Ruapehu Eruption Information at http://url.co.nz/ruapehu.html
    Some of the more environmentally aware dinosaurs were worried about the
    consequences of an eruption at Ruapehu "If it goes off no one will be skiing
    there this year" - they said.

    The difference between my missus and a terrorist?
    You can negotiate with terrorists.

    More useless drivil taking up valuable bandwidth....
    blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda.......

    Chad Josey

    John Wiltshire | Email jw@qits.net.au
    Network Systems Engineer | Ph. W +61 7 38342783
    Traffic Systems Development | H +61 7 33006052
    These opinions may not be mine and are almost certainly
    not those of my employer!

    Saint (n) -
    A dead sinner, revised and edited.

    Blinky lights are the essence of technology!
    Caffeine underflow (brain dumped)

    - snopes

    | The high resolution of this article may reveal limitations inherent in |
    | the original analog transcription. |

    When I die, please cast my ashes upon Bill Gates
    --for once, let him clean up after me!


    Steve Wampler - swampler@gemini.edu [Gemini 8m Telescopes Project (under
    The Gods that smiled upon your birth are laughing now. -- fortune cookie

    Louis-David Mitterrand __
    __/o \_
    mito@sprynet.com \____ \ Here you go
    mito@zoom.com / \ PC Weak!
    __ //\ \ ^
    __/o \-//--\ \_/
    F1 Site: http://www.zoom.com/mito/ \____ ___ \ |
    Java page: http://www.zoom.com/mito/quote/ || \ |\ |
    _|| _||_||

    Linux - Why use Windows, since there is a door?


    Fabrice POPINEAU
    e-mail: popineau@ese-metz.fr | "God is real ...
    voice-mail: (+33) 87-76-47-15 | ... unless integer ?"
    surface-mail: Supelec, 2 rue E. Belin, |
    F-57078 Metz Cedex 3 |

    Nir Soffer AKA ScorpioS, scorpios@cs.huji.ac.il
    "I wouldn't recommend sex drugs or insanity for everyone but they've
    always worked for me."
    -- Hunter S. Thompson

    Dave 'Kill a Cop' Cinege (aka Psychopath #3) --- Super Genius at Large
    Wanna see Bill Gate's idea of Plug & Play? Bend over....

    Libertarian Party 1-800-682-1776 http://www.lp.org/

    Tomislav Vujec tvujec@srce.hr
    To understand recursion, one must first understand recursion...

    I don't speak for Bill Gates' Lawyers when I post here.

    "Ever wonder why the SAME PEOPLE make up ALL the conspiracy theories?"

    Don - at home.

    Things get worse under pressure

    (Murphy's law of thermodynamics)


    --- Damian Kramer -------------------------- damian@essex.ac.uk --------
    Stress: The confusion created when your mind overides your body's need
    to choke the living daylights out of some prat who desperately needs it.
    ------------------------ http://users.essex.ac.uk/users/dakram/ --------

    Linux; 64bit, multi-platform, multi-tasking, multi-user, fast and Free.
    Microsoft Windows 95 - From the makers of EDLIN and FAT drive formatting!
    "Who needs horror movies when we have Microsoft"?

    Stephen Pelc, sfp@mpeltd.demon.co.uk
    MicroProcessor Engineering - More Real, Less Time
    133 Hill Lane, Southampton SO15 5AF, England
    tel: +44 1703 631441, fax: +44 1703 339691

    Eric D. Fether | Broken Windows,
    -OS/2, DOS, Win3.1/95, Linux | Crooked Gates!
    efether@ibm.net | Format that HD,
    74067.465@compuserve.com | Merlin Awaits!

    Joseph J. Pfeiffer, Jr., Ph.D. Phone -- (505) 646-1605
    Department of Computer Science FAX -- (505) 646-1002
    New Mexico State University http://www.cs.nmsu.edu/~pfeiffer

    One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish: Dr. Seuss
    Next fit, first fit, best fit, worst fit: Dr. Pfeiffer
    -- note at the end of a final exam submitted by one of my students
    this semester

    Bill Gunshannon | de-moc-ra-cy (di mok' ra see) n. Three wolves
    bill@cs.uofs.edu | and a sheep voting on what's for dinner.
    University of Scranton |
    Scranton, Pennsylvania | #include

    Alex Ramirez-Bellido
    Computer Science FIB-UPC (Spain)

    "Daddy, what does " ...

    Jason Costomiris | Finger for PGP 2.6.2 Public Key
    jcostom@sjis.com | "There is a fine line between idiocy
    My employers like me, but not | and genius. We aim to erase that line"
    enough to let me speak for them. | --Unknown


    #include | *Good pings come in small packets*
    Vlad Petersen | Linux: multiuser, multitasking,
    Vancouver, B.C | multiplatform, 64-bit and free.
    vladimip @ iceonline.com | Ceterum censeo Microsoftam delendam esse

    #include | *Good pings come in small packets*
    vladimip @ iceonline.com | Ceterum censeo Microsoftam delendam esse
    Vancouver, B.C. 86 108 97 100 32 80 101 116 101 114 115 101 110

    John Hardin jhardin@wolfenet.com
    PGP fingerprint: A3 0C 5B C2 EF 0D 2C E5 E9 BF C8 33 A7 A9 CE 76
    finger for PGP key Linux: the choice of a Gnu generation
    Every 1.5 years computers double in speed...
    ...then Windows slows them down again...

    Micro$oft: "Bringing you ten year old technology, tomorrow. Maybe."

    Paul Sutcliffe, Jr. |
    mailto:paul@devon.lns.pa.us | Does fuzzy logic tickle?
    http://www.angelfire.com/pa/sutcliffe |

    Heiko Selber (Fritz-Haber-Institut Berlin) | I condem'n the abuse |
    http://www.fhi-berlin.mpg.de/~selber | of apostrophe's. |
    email: selber@fhi-berlin.mpg.de | |
    Phone:+49-30-8413-4574, Fax:+49-30-8413-4686 |____________________________|

    Daniel "Bob" Chiew <>< @ PC..HP48GX..Flight Sims..VeggieTales
    Sophomore, Timothy Christian HS @ HTML..TI-82..Math..Science..Sound
    East Brunswick, NJ @ Technician stuff..Programming..Star
    danbob@geocites.com @ Trek..Guitar..Violin..Church........
    Who is General Failure, and why is he reading drive C?
    Is the glass half empty, half full, or twice as big as it needs to be?
    Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit

    Mark Szlaga mszlaga@umd.umich.edu http://www.umd.umich.edu/~mszlaga/
    /dev/hdb5 - 0.5Gb of spinning metal, all alone in the night...

    waider@waider.ie / Yes, it is very personal of me.

    Sometimes a metaphor is just a metaphor.


    Ken Latta

    **** If you're not running Linux, you paid too much. ****

    A system is well designed if it is used for things never dreamed of by
    it's author
    Corne' Beerse | Alcatel Telecom Nederland
    mailto:beerse@ats.nld.alcatel.nl | Postbus 3292
    talkto:+31(70)3079108 faxto:+31(70)3079191 | NL-2280 GG Rijswijk
    Alternatives: mailto:beerse@hotmail.com mailto:beerse@freemail.nl


    Jordan Ritter
    EECS Department, Packard Bldg.
    Lehigh University
    Bethlehem, PA

    Customer: "I'm running Windows '95."
    Tech Support: "Yes."
    Customer: "My computer isn't working now."
    Tech Support: "Yes, you said that."

    With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. However, this is not
    necessarily a good idea. It is hard to be sure where they are going
    to land, and it could be dangerous sitting under them as they fly
    overhead. -- RFC1925.

    Evan Leibovitch, Sound Software Ltd, located in beautiful Brampton, Ontario
    Supporting PC-based Unix since 1985 / Caldera & SCO authorized / www.telly.org
    Trains stop at train stations. Buses stop at bus stations. I use a workstation.

    | Turn off your computer and go outside. |

    ABILITY,n. The natural equipment to accomplish some small part of the meaner
    ambitions distinguishing able men from dead ones.
    -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

    /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ /\/\/\/\/\/\/\
    / Andrew Snare: \ \ A dirty \
    / -> earthpig@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au \ \ book \
    \ Goofey: earthpig IRC: Earthpig \ \ is seldom /
    \ http://yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au/~earthpig \ \ dusty /
    \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ \/\/\/\/\/

    I believe I found the missing link between animal and civilized man. It is us.
    - Konrad Lorenz
    Gero Kuhlmann, Hannover 0511/6497525 (Voice) gero@gkminix.han.de

    "Well, let's just say, 'if your VCR is still blinking 12:00, you don't
    want Linux'". --Bruce Perens, Debian's Fearless Leader

    George Bonser
    grep@oriole.sbay.org, grep@cris.com


    Tim Newsome. Programmer for Megasoft. Student at CMU. Cynic in life.
    Intel sucks. Motorola forever! If it's not PGP signed, it didn't come from me.
    Always look on the bright side of life. I think I think therefore I think I am.
    drz@froody.bloke.com http://www.local.com/~tnewsom/ PGP key: 2048/C32F01A5

    Manfred Bartz
    Programming --- An experience that leads from one plateau of understanding
    to another. The trick is to not step into the stuff between the plateaus.


    Mohammed Mostafa Karam Mohammed Abdel-Salam -- Salam be upon thee

    Q: What do you call a subtle, clever hack in the favorite language???
    A: A gnuanCe.
    - from the GNU Comedy Literature

    -- Elliot Lee
    http://www.redhat.com/ http://www.linuxexpo.org/

    May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in Bill Gates' Jockey Shorts.

    Email: ray@fred.net
    For pgp key "finger ray@fred.net"
    The only "intuitive" interface is the nipple. After that, it's all learned.
    (Bruce Ediger, bediger@teal.csn.org, in comp.os.linux.misc, on X interfaces.)

    | Karl Storck | Appl. Thermodyn. & Fluid Mech. |
    | mailto:karst@ikp.liu.se | Linkping Inst. of Tech., LiTH |
    | http://www.mvs.ikp.liu.se/staff/karl/karl.html |
    The piano has been drinking, not me.
    Tom Waits

    Anthony's Law of Force:
    Don't force it; get a larger hammer.

    Fred Read
    How many people do *you* know with a C function named after them ?

    (Return address mangled to limit the amount of junk e-mail I receive.)

    Bryson Borg := bdb151@psu.edu

    All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher.

    - Ambrose Bierce

    Michael C. Grant, S.T.B.Ph.D. (soon to be Ph.D.)

    PSfrag mailing list: psfrag@rascals.stanford.edu

    - -------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    | "Psychopaths kill for no reason: I kill for money." -- Grosse Pointe Blank |
    | |
    | Erik Troan = ewt@redhat.com = ewt@sunsite.unc.edu |

    "Watership Down - You've read the book and seen the film -
    Now try the stew."

    Joseph Purvis (jos@unc.edu)
    "My words fly up, on wings inspired,
    and, hoo boy, are my metaphors tired."
    --from a bad poetry contest.

    Real mail address: jcaldwel at iquest dot net
    code word is notaspam put in first line of message
    no code word == trashed message

    Carey Evans <*> c.evans@clear.net.nz

    "Lies, damn lies, and computer documentation."

    Mike Wangsmo, QA Engineer
    Red Hat Software, Inc.

    "The only reason Bill Gates is alive today is because the unabomber never
    used Windows 95" -- Anonymous

    Thomas Koenig, Thomas.Koenig@ciw.uni-karlsruhe.de, ig25@dkauni2.bitnet.
    The joy of engineering is to find a straight line on a double
    logarithmic diagram.

    John August

    Fate may be arbitrary; but it is not biased.

    Christopher B. Browne, cbbrowne@hex.net, chris_browne@sdt.com
    PGP Fingerprint: 10 5A 20 3C 39 5A D3 12 D9 54 26 22 FF 1F E9 16
    Q: What does the CE in Windows CE stand for? A: Caveat Emptor...

    "The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are
    composed entirely of lost airline luggage."

    -------------------==== Posted via Deja News ====-----------------------
    http://www.dejanews.com/ Search, Read, Post to Usenet

    - -----------------------------------------------------------------------
    Dale Lovelace dale@CentralVa.Net
    CentralVa.Net Internet Services Date: 28-Aug-97
    Lynchburg, VA 24501 Time: 23:49:06
    (804) 385-5000 ICBM: 31'N29'W
    Linux! Guerrilla UNIX Development Venimus, Vidimus, Dolavimus.
    PGP Key fingerprint = 11 29 E8 0A 79 C3 5E 2A AB 77 97 FA B3 81 28 45
    - -----------------------------------------------------------------------

    On the fourth day of | Richard M. Mathews
    telecommuting, I realized | richard@west.sun.com
    that clothes are totally | richard@alumni.caltech.edu
    unnecessary. -- Dilbert | http://www.alumni.caltech.edu/~richard/

    Arnaldo Carvalho de Melo http://www.conectiva.com.br/~acme
    LDP-br Member http://www.conectiva.com.br/~acme/LDP-br
    Conheca o Conectiva RedHat Linux: http://www.conectiva.com.br/crhl

    The box said "Windows 95, Windows NT 4.0, or better", so I installed

    * Dirk Hillbrecht, Hannover - City of the Expo 2000, Germany
    * eMail: dh@informatik.uni-hannover.de
    * WWW: http://www-c.informatik.uni-hannover.de/~dh
    * Disclaimer: I don't speak for anyone else but me, myself, and I.

    The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing
    more important to do.

    Christopher B. Browne, cbbrowne@hex.net, chris_browne@sdt.com
    PGP Fingerprint: 10 5A 20 3C 39 5A D3 12 D9 54 26 22 FF 1F E9 16
    Bill Gates to his broker: "You idiot, I said $150 million on **SNAPPLE**!!!"

    cbbrowne@hex.net, Q: Where would Microsoft
    take you today? A: Confutatis maledictis, flammis acribus addictis...
    Spam bait: domreg@cyberpromo.com postmaster@netvigator.com postmaster@onlinebiz.net
    pmdatropos@aol.com admin@submitking.com cte@llv.com walt@pwrnet.com

    Daniele Arduini - http://www.aspide.it/freeweb/arduini
    PGP key: http://www.aspide.it/freeweb/arduini/public-key.asc

    My favourite command: sed -e 's/Windows/Linux/g'

    "In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be
    indented six feet downward and covered with dirt."
    -- Blair P. Houghton

    Kevin D Quitt USA 91351-4454 96.37% of all statistics are made up
    Per the FCA, this email address may not be added to any commercial mail list

    Robin S. Socha M.A.
    Linux! Guerrilla UNIX Development
    Venimus, Vidimus, Dolavimus. (Mark A. Horton)

    Luther Yap VI | Speling dont caont, gramar ain't not
    lyap@freenet.toronto.on.ca | countin, Inglesh dont count also.
    | (look at all those english teachers faint)
    Ronthar DelaRosa @ BTECH 3056 | Too many beers smiley--> &P~~~

    -Rich Steiner >>>---> rsteiner@skypoint.com >>>---> Bloomington, MN
    OS/2 Warp 4 + Linux + Executor = PC Hobbyist Heaven!
    The Theorem Theorem: If If, Then Then.

    In a world without fences - who needs GATES ?
    Albert Fluegel
    Koernerstrasse 5
    80469 Muenchen

    Email: af@muc.de

    Carey Evans http://home.clear.net.nz/pages/c.evans/

    GNU GPL: "The Source will be with you... always."

    ------------------------------ na IRC -------------------------------------
    BillGates [bgates@www.microsoft.com] has joined #LINUX
    mode/#linux [+b BillGates!*@*] by DoDad
    BillGates was kicked off #linux by DoDad (banned: We see enough of Bill
    Gates already.)

    Don Harper | work: duck@colltech.com office: (214) 769-2877
    Team Lead, Dallas | Pager: (800) Sky-Page, pin 303-7055
    Collective Technologies | http://www.colltech.com http://www.duckland.org
    A Pencom Company | home: duck@duckland.org

    "Wishes come true, not free."

    David Barto barto@network.ucsd.edu barto@visionpro.com
    >From a Marketing type:
    Don't give me any technical reason why something can't be done.
    If you really believed in the product you'd make it work.


    Linux rules your world.
    Microsoft rules the mindless.
    True users use true power.
    True losers use mindless power.

    Victor J. Orlikowski

    Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.


    ** Linux Virus Scan : Scanning...
    Virus Detected--Windoze 95. Remove it? (Y/y)


    John Hardin KA7OHZ jhardin@wolfenet.com
    pgpk -a finger://gonzo.wolfenet.com/jhardin PGP key ID: 0x41EA94F5
    PGP key fingerprint: A3 0C 5B C2 EF 0D 2C E5 E9 BF C8 33 A7 A9 CE 76
    Your mouse has moved. Windows NT must be restarted for the change
    to take effect. Reboot now? [ OK ]
    88 days until Daylight Savings Time ends

    - --
    Actor asks a collegue: "To what do you owe your success in acting?"
    Answer: "Honesty. Once you've learned how to fake that, you've got it made."
    - -------- Custom Linux device drivers for sale! Call for a quote. ----------
    Email: R.E.Wolff@BitWizard.nl || Tel: +31-15-2137555 || FAX: +31-15-2138217

    Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!

    Paparazzi of the Net: No matter what you do to protect your privacy,
    they'll hunt you down and spam you.


    Newsletter editor and Webmaster of WACC - Wellington Acorn Computer Club
    WACC pages: http://www.paradise.net.nz/~pbrowne/WACC/
    Phone: (04) 528-7685 or (025) 908-448
    My pages: http://www.paradise.net.nz/~acorn/

    ... My hat covers my head.... Just like hair used to!!

    Carey Evans http://home.clear.net.nz/pages/c.evans/

    "dang it's hard to hit enter after typing /mkext2fs /dev/hdc"
    Petra - on Debian-Devel.

    Geof. Mauricio A. Gende
    C.C. 219 1900
    La Plata Argentina

    More Signal, Less Noise

    Gregory S. Sutter Bureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise.
    PGP DSS public key 0x40AE3052

    reportedly from an installation manual:
    'ram disk' is _not_ an installation procedure...

    Gregory S. Sutter "How do I read this file?"
    mailto:gsutter@pobox.com "You uudecode it."
    http://www.pobox.com/~gsutter/ "I I I decode it?"
    PGP DSS public key 0x40AE3052

    Shining Moon (Greg Brannan)

    Those who want to succeed will find a way. Those who don't will find
    an excuse.

    - --
    Olaf Kirch | --- o --- Nous sommes du soleil we love when we play
    okir@monad.swb.de | / | \ sol.dhoop.naytheet.ah kin.ir.samse.qurax
    okir@caldera.de +-------------------- Why Not?! -----------------------
    UNIX, n.: Spanish manufacturer of fire extinguishers.

    "Breakfast.Com not responding......
    ...Server responds "cereal port down".

    Jonathan Giles

    Microsoft Windows NT Beta ID:708912
    Iomega Zip Beta ID:100089

    Gregory S. Sutter If I had finished this sentence
    PGP DSS public key 0x40AE3052

    | Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity |
    | Svein E. Seldal | office +47 73 59 44 26 |
    | Omega Verksted | fax +47 73 59 14 76 |
    | O.S. Bragstadsplass 2 | private +47 73 53 03 97 |
    | N-7034 Trondheim | mobile +47 90 66 22 79 |
    | Norway | e-mail sveinse@omegav.ntnu.no |

    Gregory S. Sutter Madness takes its toll.
    mailto:gsutter@pobox.com Please have exact change.
    PGP DSS public key 0x40AE3052

    | Jeffrey Watts |
    | watts@sunflower.com o-------------------------------------o
    | Systems Analyst | Q: What's the difference between a |
    | Sprint - Systems Management | dead dog in the road and a dead |
    o-------------------------------| lawyer in the road? |
    | A: There are skid marks in front of |
    | the dog. |

    The world really isn't any worse.
    It's just that the news coverage is so much better.
    Mike Field ph 64 4 471-2112
    Technical Support Consultant fax 64 4 471-1300
    CPS Systems

    Olaf Weber
    SIGSIG -- signature too long (core dumped)

    | Adrian Voinea |When I Die, I want to go like my grandfather did, |
    | adi@gds.ro |peacefully in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming,|
    |TEL:+40 51 412146|like all the passengers in his car! .=-=-=-=-=-=-=-'

    - --
    Linux has been deployed in mission critical, commercial environments with an
    excellent pool of public testimonials... Linux outperforms many other UNIXes
    ... Linux is on track to eventually own the x86 UNIX market... Linux is a
    short/medium-term threat ... against NT Server. Linux's future strength against
    NT server ... is fed by ... perceived Scaleability, Interopability,
    Availability, and Manageability (SIAM) over NT. Linux can win....

    Microsoft Internal Memo, annotated at http://www.tuxedo.org/~esr/halloween.html

    Das Verhalten von Gates hatte mir bewiesen, da ich auf ihn und seine
    Gefhrten nicht zu zhlen brauchte. (Karl May, Winnetou, Band III)
    eMail: Ruediger.Kuhlmann@stud.uni-karlsruhe.de
    Homepage: http://www.uni-karlsruhe.de/~Ruediger.Kuhlmann

    Olaf Weber

    Do not meddle in the affairs of sysadmins,
    for they are quick to anger and have no need for subtlety.

    ... New Zealanders make an effort to get to work while the rest of
    earth is still in bed ... "

    Reinhard Kotucha Phone: +49-511-751355
    Berggartenstr. 9
    D-30419 Hannover mailto:reinhard@kammer.uni-hannover.de
    Microsoft isn't the answer. Microsoft is the question, and the answer is NO.

    LEADERSHIP A form of self-preservation exhibited by people with auto-
    destructive imaginations in order to ensure that when it comes to the crunch
    it'll be someone else's bones which go crack and not their own.
    - The Hipcrime Vocab by Chad C. Mulligan

    Richard Thomas When I hear the word culture
    tich@clad.co.nz I reach for my petri dish.
    http://www.wn.planet.gen.nz/~tich /-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/

    Erfahrungen sind das, was man bekommt, wenn man nicht kriegt, was man will.
    eMail: Ruediger.Kuhlmann@stud.uni-karlsruhe.de
    Homepage: http://www.uni-karlsruhe.de/~Ruediger.Kuhlmann/

    - --
    o Brian Edmonds , Team Jubal Mech Labs
    \\_/\_, Moderator: rec.arts.anime.creative, rec.music.info/reviews
    (*) (*) Are you tired of spam? Visit http://www.spam.abuse.net/spam/

    Suicide Hotline...please hold.

    Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.
    -- Henry Spencer
    cbbrowne@hex.net - "What have you contributed to free software today?..."

    You're the limit as dumb goes to infinity, Rincon.

    - Matt
    "The day that Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is the day that they
    start making vacuum cleaners."
    - shaman@kos.net
    "Fool! There is nothing Perl cannot do! NOTHING!" -Bastich

    Seen on a slashdot post....

    "One World, One Web, One Program" - Microsoft Promotional Ad
    "Ein Volk, Ein Reich, Ein Fhrer" - Adolf Hitler

    -- People shouldn't think that it's better to have
    Dan Astoorian loved and lost than never loved at all. It's
    Sysadmin, CS Lab not, it's better to have loved and won. All
    djast@cs.toronto.edu the other options really suck. --Dan Redican

    Edward S. Marshall [ What goes up, must come down. ]
    http://www.logic.net/~emarshal/ [ Ask any system administrator. ]

    Joor Loohuis

    If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular
    error. -- John Kenneth Galbraith

    [obligatory-useless-waste-of-bits-bit-goes-here] ultra-umbra-magic-crypto
    EF D8 33 68 B3 E3 E9 D2 C1 3E 51 22 8A AA 7B 98 supercomputer-AES-xspook

    Cyberspace, a final frontier. These are the voyages of my messages,
    on a lightspeed mission to explore strange new systems and to boldly go
    where no data has gone before.

    John Hardin KA7OHZ jhardin@wolfenet.com
    pgpk -a finger://gonzo.wolfenet.com/jhardin PGP key ID: 0x41EA94F5
    PGP key fingerprint: A3 0C 5B C2 EF 0D 2C E5 E9 BF C8 33 A7 A9 CE 76
    Efficiency can magnify good, but it magnifies evil just as well.
    So, we should not be surprised to find that modern electronic
    communication magnifies stupidity as *efficiently* as it magnifies
    -- Robert A. Matern

    ** R.E.Wolff@BitWizard.nl ** http://www.BitWizard.nl/ ** +31-15-2137555 **
    *-- BitWizard writes Linux device drivers for any device you may have! --*
    ------ Microsoft SELLS you Windows, Linux GIVES you the whole house ------

    - --
    Duncan (-:
    "software industry, the: unique industry where selling substandard goods is
    legal and you can charge extra for fixing the problems."

    Software, n.:
    Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.

    Peter Lowe -- System Administrator, Telenor Internet
    http://www.ti.cz/ -- pgl@ti.cz

    Everything I know in life I learnt from .sigs.

    S.Toms - tomas@primenet.com - http://www.primenet.com/~tomas
    S.u.S.E. Linux v6.1+ - Kernel 2.2.10

    "Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense"

    | Ray Zimmerman (rz10@cornell.edu) | "The number you have |
    | 428-B Phillips Hall | dialed is imaginary. |
    | Cornell Univ., Ithaca, NY 14853 | Please rotate the phone |
    | 607-255-9645 Fax: 815-377-3932 | 90 degrees and try again."|

    Christophe Zwecker mail: doc@zwecker.de
    Hamburg, Germany fon: +49 179 3994867

    UNIX is user-friendly. It's just not ignorant-friendly and
    idiot-friendly. Build a system even a fool can use, and only
    a fool will want to use it.

    S.Toms - tomas@primenet.com - http://www.primenet.com/~tomas
    S.u.S.E. Linux v6.1+ - Kernel 2.2.11

    Electrocution, n.:
    Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.

    Gregory S. Sutter Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

    Gregory S. Sutter My reality check just bounced.
    PGP DSS public key 0x40AE3052

    Windows 95:
    A 32-bit patch for a 16-bit GUI shell running on top of an
    8-bit operating system written for a 4-bit processor by a
    2-bit company who cannot stand 1 bit of competition.

    [1] For all values of normal that don't include MickeySquish "products"
    R A Lichtensteiger rali@meitca.com -or- rali@world.std.com
    "Yes, you're doing things right, but are you doing the right things?"
    "Nope. I'm just doing something dumb fast."

    J.H.M. Dassen | RUMOUR Believe all you hear. Your world may
    jdassen@wi.LeidenUniv.nl | not be a better one than the one the blocks
    | live in but it'll be a sight more vivid.
    | - The Hipcrime Vocab by Chad C. Mulligan

    Petter Wahlman

    #define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb)) - Shakespeare.
    echo '16i[q]sa[ln0=aln100%Pln100/snlbx]sbA6E616D6C68615720726574746550snlbxq'|dc

    Bram Stolk, VR Specialist.
    SARA Academic Computing Services Amsterdam, PO Box 94613, 1090 GP AMSTERDAM
    email: bram@sara.nl Phone +31-20-5923059 Fax +31-20-6683167

    "I heard if you play the NT-4.0-CD backwards, you get a satanic message."
    "Thats nothing, if you play it forward, it installs NT-4.0"

    Joor Loohuis

    We all know Linux is great...it does infinite loops in 5 seconds. --
    Linus Torvalds

    If I had a signoff banner, it would be here. But I don't, so I'll fake it

    Ben Rosenberg
    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

    mailto: aguavaca@retemail.es
    XFMail 1.3 SuSE GNU/Linux
    ICQ #5580328
    Windows NT supports real multitasking: it can boot and crash simultaneously.

    S.Toms - tomas@primenet.com - http://www.primenet.com/~tomas
    SuSE Linux v6.2+ - Kernel 2.2.11

    Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself
    out of the market.

    All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

    ========================================== __ _
    Juergen Braukmann mail: brauki@cityweb.de| -o)/ / (_)__ __ ____ __
    Tel: 0201-743648 dk4jb@db0qs.#nrw.deu.eu| /\\ /__/ / _ \/ // /\ \/ /
    ==========================================_\_v __/_/_//_/\_,_/ /_/\_\

    We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always
    respect their good judgement.

    On a Korean kitchen knife -
    (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

    Brian Chatterton

    Linux : The ultimate NT Service Pack

    S.Toms - tomas@primenet.com - http://www.primenet.com/~tomas
    SuSE Linux v6.2+ - Kernel 2.2.11

    There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I
    can't remember.
    -- Italo Svevo

    S.Toms - tomas@primenet.com - http://www.primenet.com/~tomas
    SuSE Linux v6.2+ - Kernel 2.2.11

    No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider
    the furniture!
    -- Sherlock Holmes

    S.Toms - tomas@primenet.com - http://www.primenet.com/~tomas
    SuSE Linux v6.2+ - Kernel 2.2.11

    "Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same
    thing as division."

    DDDD David Kramer http://kramer.ne.mediaone.net
    DK KD In times of rapid changes, learners inherit the earth,
    DKK D while the learned find themselves beautifully equipped to
    DK KD deal with a world that no longer exists.
    DDDD --Eric Hoffer (Former Labor Boss)

    Simon Hansman

    The three steps to an easier future:
    1. Remember plagiarism saves time.
    2. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
    3. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment

    http://sc3d.org/rrt/ | certain, a. insufficiently analysed

    *** Press to test... ... Release to detonate ***

    If everybody minded their own business, the world would go
    around a deal faster.
    -- The Duchess, "Through the Looking Glass"

    Michael Beattie (mickyb@es.co.nz)

    Plug-and-Play is really nice, unfortunately it only works 50% of the time.
    To be specific the "Plug" almost always works. --unknown source

    S.Toms - tomas@primenet.com - New homepage coming soon
    SuSE Linux v6.2+ - Kernel 2.2.13

    "For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but
    phone calls taper off."
    -- Johnny Carson

    John Hardin KA7OHZ ICQ#15735746 jhardin@wolfenet.com
    pgpk -a finger://gonzo.wolfenet.com/jhardin PGP key ID: 0x41EA94F5
    PGP key fingerprint: A3 0C 5B C2 EF 0D 2C E5 E9 BF C8 33 A7 A9 CE 76
    Mary had a little key
    she kept it in escrow
    and everything that Mary sent
    the feds were sure to know -- Andy Starritt, in sci.crypt

    I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy!

    Dylan Reeve -- dylan@wibble.net - http://dylan.wibble.net
    "I can write backwards and upside down, and I can also lick my nipples.
    However, I am yet to find a practical use for either of these skills."
    -- Sharee McKay, Aardvark Forums, 13 April 1999

    The organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different
    limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.
    The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
    The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
    -- MacEddie, via RHF

    S.Toms - tomas@primenet.com - New homepage coming soon
    SuSE Linux v6.2+ - Kernel 2.2.13

    Two percent of zero is almost nothing.

    Blake Frantz
    Systems Administrator
    Specialty Care Systems, Inc.

    "Our Government, like diapers, should be changed regularly and often for
    the same reason." - Don't know

    The limit to how slow software can be made to run
    has not yet been reached.

    Windows98 (noun): 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit
    patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit
    microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of

    -- Kenneth R. Kellum -- San Jose State University

    You can't spell Antichrist without the "NT".

    To unsubscribe send e-mail to suse-linux-e-unsubscribe@suse.com
    For additional commands send e-mail to suse-linux-e-help@suse.com
    Also check the FAQ at http://www.suse.com/Support/Doku/FAQ/

    --Pavel Kankovsky aka Peak [ Boycott Microsoft--http://www.vcnet.com/bms ]
    "Resistance is futile. Open your source code and prepare for assimilation."

    The main failure in computers is usually between keyboard and chair.
    Volker Tanner

    S.Toms - tomas@primenet.com - homepage is in the works
    SuSE Linux v6.2+ - Kernel 2.2.13

    My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.


    Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately it kills all its

    _ _
    | Roman Drahtmller "Freedom means that you can choose |
    CC University of Freiburg what you want to learn at a given
    | email: draht@uni-freiburg.de time." A. Becker, 1999 |
    - -
    People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of
    the future.

    -- GERARD@atdot.org, g.odonnell@clear.net.nz
    Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

    -- GERARD@atdot.org, g.odonnell@clear.net.nz
    Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

    -- GERARD@atdot.org, g.odonnell@clear.net.nz
    Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

    Joor Loohuis

    If "Common Sense" is so common, why don't more people use it?

    Michael Beattie (mickyb@es.co.nz)

    Curiousity may kill the cat, but a 12 gauge is quicker!

    Philipp Thomas
    SuSE GmbH, Deutschherrenstrasse 15-29, 90429 Nuremberg

    The only difference between a bug and a feature is you can turn a feature off.

    Never use "etc." -- it makes people think there is more where
    there is not or that there is not space to list it all, etc.
    Linux 2.2.14 SMP up 2:14 4 users load av: 0.95 0.40 0.22

    What's a "recipie"? A pie you are the recipient of? A reciprocal
    approximation of 3.141592653589793...?

    Too much to say to fit into this .signature anyway:
    Fight spam in Europe: * Sign the EU petition

    Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore.
    -- Russian Proverb

    Joor Loohuis

    I'd put my money where my mouth is, but my mouth keeps moving. --
    Larry Wall

    -->> Please refrain from using HTML or WORD attachments in e-mails to me <<--

    "With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine." -- RFC 1925

    "Software is like sex. It's better when it's free." -Linus Torvalds

    .-. .-. Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
    (_ \ / _)
    | dave@fly.cc.fer.hr

    Dan Ost

    Do noT ADjuSt yoUr minD
    iT IS rEAliTy tHaT Is maLfUNctIoNIng

    |) /\ |_ |_ |\/| /\ |\| "I'm not a =real= programmer, but I play one on TV."

    "The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance."

    Alex Popa, |There never was a good war or a bad peace
    razor@ldc.ro| -- B. Franklin
    "It took the computing power of three C-64s to fly to the Moon.
    It takes a 486 to run Windows 95. Something is wrong here."

    DIVORCE = system("rm /wife/*");

    Mike Hall,
    Unix Admin - Rock Island Communications
    System Admin - riverside.org

    Standard is better than better. If your web page cares what browser I'm using
    it's broken.

    http://sc3d.org/rrt/ | impatience, n. the urge to do nothing

    Michal Zalewski [lcamtuf@tpi.pl] [tp.internet/security]
    [http://lcamtuf.na.export.pl] <=--=> bash$ :(){ :|:&};:
    =-----=> God is real, unless declared integer. <=-----=

    Sebastian Hans
    The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching

    -Linux. Because rebooting is for hardware upgrades.-

    -Alfred Perlstein - [bright@wintelcom.net|alfred@freebsd.org]
    "I have the heart of a child; I keep it in a jar on my desk."

    Tollef Fog Heen
    This is the unix version of the LoveBug virus and in the spirit of such it
    depends on the user community to propagate. Please send this message to all
    of your friends and randomly delete numerous files from your system.

    A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
    Groucho Marx (1890-1977)
    GNU/Linux 2.2.17pre9 SMP 5 users load av: 0.00 0.04 0.01

    Peter Fleischmann Diplom-Mathematiker
    email: fleischmann@mathematik.uni-wuerzburg.de
    Quitters never win, winners never quit, but those
    who never win AND never quit are idiots.

    When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important
    lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities.
    Matt Groening - Basic Sex Facts For Today's Youngfolk
    GNU/Linux 2.2.17pre9 SMP 1 user load av: 0.69 0.18 0.06

    If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

    "It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God but to
    create him." -Arthur C. Clarke

    virtually yours 82D1 9B9C 01DC 4FB4 D7B4 61BE 3F49 4F77 72DE DA76
    Gerhard Sittig true | mail -s "get gpg key" Gerhard.Sittig@gmx.net
    If you don't understand or are scared by any of the above
    ask your parents or an adult to help you.

    My two cents.

    Robert Martinez

    (in event two cents are not wanted, please return them, postage paid)

    What if Boeing were to copy Microsoft's habbits?
    'What do you think, Ed, is our new 787 ready?' 'I haven't heard any
    reports from our beta-testers last month about unexpected crashes,
    so go ahead..'
    Seen on Usenet

    Today is cancelled due to lack of interest.
    GNU/Linux 2.2.17pre16 SMP 4 users load av: 0.07 0.03 0.00

    Michael Beattie (mickyb@es.co.nz)

    'If Bill Gates had a dime for every time Windows crashed...
    ... Oh wait a minute, he already does...' - Anonymous

    X-Blah: What shall we do with the drunken header

    [email msg]

    Christoph Puppe
    /* Defcom Security GmbH || Net: www.defcom-sec.de */
    /* Arndtstr. 34 || Tel: +49-30-61650-0 */
    /* D-10965 Berlin || Fax: +49-30-61650-555 */

    "The PROPER way to handle HTML postings is to cancel the article, then hire a
    hitman to kill the poster, his wife and kids, and fuck his dog and smash his
    computer into little bits. Anything more is just extremism." - Paul Tomblin

    Let he who doubts the existence of God observe the workings of our
    Government, then ponder the fact that mankind survives and prospers.

    Stanislav Shalunov Internet2

    "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I
    approved of it." -- Mark Twain

    Behind the counter a boy with a shaven head stared vacantly into space,
    a dozen spikes of microsoft protruding from the socket behind his ear.
    C.M. Connelly c@eskimo.com SHC, DS

    | "Microsoft saves the day! They're just so damn efficient at helping |
    | us hack their own product..." -- Rain Forest Puppy |

    Besser den Spatz in der Hand... als seine Kacke auf dem Hemd

    Jason Fruge' | Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick
    geocajun@technogeeks.org | and Harry will get pregnant. --
    Linux, the choice | Malcolm Smith
    of a GNU generation. |

    All prayers are answered.
    However, sometimes the answer is "No."

    I can please only one person per day.
    Today is not your day.
    Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

    Freunde, nur Mut! Lchelt und sprecht: Klaas Freitag
    Die Menschen sind gut, bloss die * mail freitag@suse.de
    Leute sind schlecht. - E. Kaestner SuSE Labs, Nuernberg


    Mit freundlichen Grssen / Yours sincerely

    Wolfram Schlich * E-Mail: wolfram@schlich.org * ICQ: 35713642
    Postal: Berghof, 56626 Andernach, GER * Phone: +49-(0)2636-941194

    L'amour, c'est un sport.
    Surtout s'il y en a un des deux qui veut pas. - Jean Yanne -

    Nach 28 (Absatz 3) Bundesdatenschutzgesetz widerspreche ich der
    Nutzung oder bermittlung meiner Daten fr Werbezwecke oder fr
    die Markt- und Meinungsforschung.
    - http://www.netlaw.de/gesetze/bdsg.htm#nr28 -

    Gero H. Marten

    "Computers are like air conditioners: They stop working properly if
    you open windows."

    Best regards,

    Today's thought: BREAKFAST.COM Halted - Cereal port not responding

    Until later: Geoffrey esoteric@denali.atlnet.com

    "Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocre minds. The
    latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to
    hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence."
    - Albert Einstein

    Deadbat Dustbian LuSE Hackware Also-randrake
    Line Ucks Lean Ucks Loon Icks Lynne Nicks
    free, dim (two chews)

    rsweet@socal.rr.com | "I have the world's largest
    -o) | collection of seashells. I
    Linux, the Choice /\ | keep it scattered around the
    of a GNU generation _\_v | beaches of the world ...
    | Perhaps you've seen it. --

    Microsoft is to operating systems & security ....
    .... what McDonalds is to gourmet cooking

    Mark Aitchison, Physics & Astronomy \_ Phone : +64 3 3642-947 a.h. 3371-225
    University of Canterbury, Christchurch, New Zealand. /) E-mail: phys169@csc.canterbury.ac.nz
    #include (/' "Chenobyl 86, Windows 95, Office 97"

    | ||
    | Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. ||

    Joor Loohuis (joor@nl.linux.org)

    Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

    Joor Loohuis (joor@nl.linux.org)

    Obviously I was either onto something, or on something.
    -- Larry Wall on the creation of Perl

    Paul Wilkins
    it's a netiquette issue - educate.
    If it's personal abuse of others - educate or flame.
    If it's a personal "style" you can't handle - quietly killfile.


    Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

    we are the people our parents warned us about.

    Carey Evans http://home.clear.net.nz/pages/c.evans/

    "May not be representative of the experience of actual customers."

    Microsoft gave me a job --
    But Linux gives me a LIFE!

    Regards Don Hansford
    SQIT Warwick

    "We're tired, we're wired, and our breath smells bad --
    -But at least our Operating System doesn't suck!"

    S.Toms - tomas@primenet.com - www.primenet.com/~tomas
    SuSE Linux v7.0+ - Kernel 2.2.18

    Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking

    Best regards,

    Today's thought: My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot.


    Best regards,

    Today's thought: If someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but it
    only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and whack them in the head.

    Best regards,

    Today's thought: Before you criticize someone walk a mile in his shoes.
    That way if he gets angry he'll be a mile away -- and barefoot.

    Computer programmers do it byte by byte

    MS Windows users should be covered
    under the Americans with Disabilities Act.

    MS Windows users should be covered under the Americans with Disabilities Act!
    --------------> Try Linux and you'll understand why <--------------

    I'm cutting back to half-time, 40 hours per week.

    Ben Rosenberg mailto:ben@whack.org
    If two men agree on everything, you can be sure that only one
    of them is doing the thinking.

    Militant Agnostic. I don't know and neither do you.

    afterthought: Life after death? Is that like terminate and stay resident?

    Matthew Poole Auckland, New Zealand
    "Veni, vidi, velcro...
    I came, I saw, I stuck around"

    Microsoft: We'd like to take your source and embrace and extend it, but we
    can't coz it's under the GPL.

    RMS: Yes, thats the point.

    The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.

    for DVDs in Linux screw the MPAA and ; do dig $DVDs.z.zoy.org ; done | \
    perl -ne 's/\.//g; print pack("H224",$1) if(/^x([^z]*)/)' | gunzip

    your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).

    "No standard or clause in a standard has a divine right of existence."
    -- A Microsoft PKI architect explaining Microsoft's position on
    standards compliance.

    > Remember there are 3 kinds of lies: Lies, Damned Lies and Statistics!

    Another way I've heard it said: Figures lie, and Liars figure!

    > Java is so sad. It's a wonderful idea, write-once-run-anywhere, but it's not
    > even backwards compatible! Not in my end-user experience anyway.

    Java is write-once-debug-everywhwere(TM)

    Love is blind. Lust on the other hand is merely extremely short-sighted.

    *** I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it ***

    Today's thought: I love the "swooshing" sound deadlines make as they go by.

    I'm a pagan. One of our bumper stickers is, "Practicing religion
    the same way our ancestors did thousands of years ago -- making it
    up as we go along."

    "Failure is not an option, it comes pre-installed with your Windoze
    software..." -Unknown

    Real men don't take backups.
    They put their source on a public FTP-server and let the world mirror it.
    -- Linus Torvalds

    *~~~~ http://homepages.ihug.co.nz/~obsidion ~~~*
    * Microsoft OS's are as reliable as a politicians promise *

    I've always found profanity to be refuge of the inarticulate motherfucker.

    Michael Beattie (mike@ethernal.org)
    CPU's dont tend to work very well after their "magic smoke" has escaped.

    ! Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others
    ! will leave a stain.

    "I really didn't foresee the Internet. But then, neither did the computer
    industry. Not that that tells us very much of course - the computer
    industry didn't even foresee that the century was going to end."
    - Douglas Adams - RIP 2001

    "Companies that set PC "standards" for the sake of convenience to
    their Info Tech staff and blind devotion to the Microsoft propaganda
    machine will drive away their brightest and most creative people,
    demoralize the rest, and eventually pay a price in business warfare."
    John Martellaro
    -- Jon

    Thought for the day:
    Bagpipes (n): an octopus wearing a kilt.

    He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized
    there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there
    wasn't an afterlife.
    - Douglas Adams, The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy

    Thought for the day:
    The only thing that hurts more than paying income tax
    is not having to pay income tax.

    If Linux is a cancer, would Windows be tourette's syndrome?

    From: Carey Evans

    Bob Rea

    Fear of Hell is pernicious;
    So is fear of Heaven.

    rear@sirius.com http://www.sirius.com/~rear

    OS X: Because making Unix user-friendly was easier than debugging Windows

    Suche Nullen!
    Gtzen-Dmmerung - oder wie man mit dem Pinguin philosophiert

    IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s)
    named above and may contain information that is confidential, privileged or
    unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of
    humour or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended
    recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not
    authorised (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating
    social faux pas.

    Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context
    somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or no
    grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the
    transmission of this email, although the kelpie next door is living on
    borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of
    the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message
    revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice
    from Microsoft.

    However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your
    computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you have
    received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites, whisk
    and place in a warm oven for 40 minutes.

    note to Echelon: Any anti-governmental themes explored in this email
    were purely hypothetical and not to be taken seriously.

    In the beginning was the WORD,
    and the word was UNSIGNED,
    and the main(){} was without form and void.

    i've been doing timing tests while playing mp3s in the background,
    haven't i?
    bloody stupid multitasking operating systems
    aj: hehe
    aj: here, have a copy of DOS

    As a SysAdmin, yes, I CAN read your e-mail, but I DON'T get that bored!

    Ben Rosenberg mailto:ben@whack.org
    The only argument for the superiority of Windows over
    UNIX is that General Protection Fault outranks Colonel Panic.


    there's more to history than what's in books;
    that's why it took so long to happen.

    *., ,.** =Oliver@home= *., ,.**
    Also, wie war das denn nochmal?
    Da wir jetzt durch eine untaktisch kluge Fuegung eingesehen haben,
    dass das mit der Zusammendehnung ein echter Griff ins Klo war,
    sehen wir keinen weiteren Grund zur Veranlassung.

    There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is
    to make it so simple there are obviously no deficiencies, and
    the other way is to make it so complicated there are no obvious
    deficiencies. C.A.R. Hoare

    Chris Green
    A good pun is its own reword.

    UNIX does not prevent you from doing stupid things because that would also
    prevent you from doing clever things.

    . .
    Bradley's Bromide:
    If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a
    committee -- that will do them in.
    . .
    (the above remark has been generated automatically)

    Microsoft: We suggest our developers don't even look at open-source code to
    avoid the viral effect of the GPL licence.

    Free Software Foundation: We suggest open-source developers don't even look
    at Microsoft source (when available) to avoid the parasitic effect of
    Microsoft Lawyers.

    "The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected"
    (The UNIX Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June 1972.)
    Registered Linux User: 102826

    brick (brik) n. (4) pl. Another item that can be used to crash windows.

    Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

    "I have the heart of a little child, and the brain of a genius.
    ... and I keep them in a jar under my bed"

    Linux only became possible because 20 years of OS research was
    carefully studied, analyzed, discussed and thrown away.
    Ingo Molnar on linux-kernel

    IIS = Intrinsically Insecure Server
    ~~ Matt Caron ~~

    Ben Rosenberg mailto:ben@whack.org
    cat CE|ME|NT|XP > /dev/null

    Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.

    Michael Beattie

    yip yip yip yip yip yip yap yap yip *BANG* NO TERRIER

    Michael Beattie


    From: "Nick Kinraid"
    Organization: Allied Telesyn Research, Chch, NZ
    "The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic
    hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs.
    There's also a negative side."
    -Hunter S. Thompson


    Passwords are like underwear:
    Don't share them, hide them under your keyboard, or hang them
    from your monitor. Above all, change them frequently.

    Michael Beattie

    Trees moving back and forth make the wind blow.

    Michael Beattie

    Linux is like wigwam - no windows, no gates, Apache inside!

    Committee, n.:
    A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group
    decide that nothing can be done.
    -- Fred Allen

    Greig McGill
    "Thou shalt have no other Gods before me" - Think about that.
    Why would a supreme deity fear competition?

    Windows: gesehen, gelacht, gelscht.


    See the happy moron?
    He doesn't give a damn!
    I wish I were a moron!
    My God! Perhaps I am!

    "Two of the most famous products of Berkeley are LSD and Unix. I don't think
    that is a coincidence"

    Take off every sig!

    "War against Terror" is an oxymoron

    VFS: Busy inodes after unmount. Self-destruct in 5 seconds. Have a nice day...

    Experience is what you get just after you need it.

    Microsoft: Writing viruses has never been easier!
    Microsoft: The company that made email dangerous
    Microsoft: Having a false sense of security was never so expensive

    Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.

    James Doherty
    XP - eXpensive Piece of software

    "# chmod a+x /bin/laden"

    This is Linux country. If you listen carefully, you can hear Windows reboot...

    $|=1;while(1){print pack("h*",'75861647f302d4560275f6272797f3');sleep(1);
    for(1..16){for(8,32,8,7){print chr($_);}select(undef,undef,undef,.05);}}

    Viren machen auch etwas Ntzliches, z.B. Windows lschen.

    afterthought : Smith & Wesson: The original point-and-click interface.

    The first 90% of the code in a project takes 90% of the time.
    The next 10% of the code will take another 90% of the time.
    -- J. S. Labuschagne

    Rob 'Feztaa' Park
    Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.

    Best regards,
    xander mailto:xvw@trinity.warande.net

    Q What did the instructor at the school for Kamikaze pilots say to his students?
    A Watch closely. I'm only going to do this once.

    [Simon White. vim/mutt. simon@mtds.com. GIMPS:61.70% see www.mersenne.org]
    Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from
    religious conviction. -- Blaise Pascal

    It's not the size of your stack that matters, it's how you push and pop.

    Bradford L. Barrett brad@mrunix.net
    A free electron in a sea of neutrons DoD#1750 KD4NAW

    Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.
    TopQuark Software & Serv. Contract programmer, server bum.

    The difference between dogs and cats is that dogs come when they're
    called. Cats take a message and get back to you.

    Alan Hadsell
    If brute force doesn't work, you aren't using enough.

    MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers
    Realize Our Software Only Fools Them

    "If Microsoft can change and compete on quality, I've won." -- L. Torvalds

    Rob 'Feztaa' Park
    To get back on your feet, miss two car payments.

    My virus wasn't targeting stupid computer users specifically,
    just anyone using Microsoft's Outlook Express or AOL," he said.
    "Oh... damn."

    "I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along with
    the lost."

    If it's true that our species is alone in the
    universe, then I'd have to say that the universe
    aimed rather low and settled for very little. -GC

    "...Unix, MS-DOS, and Windows NT (also known as the Good, the Bad, and
    the Ugly)."
    (By Matt Welsh)

    OK, so you're a Ph.D. Just don't touch anything.

    Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.

    Gates' Law: Every 18 months, the speed of software halves.

    When I answered where I wanted to go today, they just hung up (Unknown Author)


    There are only 10 types of people in the world;
    those who can understand binary, and those who can't.

    Marius Gedminas
    This host is a black hole at HTTP wavelengths. GETs go in, and nothing
    comes out, not even Hawking radiation.
    -- Graaagh the Mighty on rec.games.roguelike.angband

    Help Microsoft stamp out piracy - give Linux to a friend today


    Hey Santa, can I have a copy of your naughty girls list?

    To those who understand, no explanation is necessary,
    to those who will not understand, no explanation is possible.

    > "Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power tools
    > aren't soluble in alcohol..."-- Crazy Nigel

    Many things can be preserved in alcohol, but dignity is not one of them.

    "Last night, I came home and realized that everything in my apartment
    had been stolen and replaced with an exact duplicate. I told this to
    my friend -- he said, `Do I know you?'"
    -- Steven Wright

    Michael J. Hammel |
    The Graphics Muse | A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
    mjhammel@graphics-muse.org |

    Michael Beattie

    Spock, the women on your planet are logical. No other planet in the
    galaxy can make that claim. -- Capt. James T. Kirk


    I never knew what real happiness was until I got married... by then
    it was too late.


    *This message will self-destruct in
    Buffer Overflow.

    Nick Phillips -- nwp@lemon-computing.com
    Bridge ahead. Pay troll.

    "All that was needed was to parse the cat root slash dev etcetera file
    for eth0 and pugle the forward identity-locking rehooliginator and
    symlink it to the libgc perl humongisooler module after a kernel
    decompile and basic repatch update." - theregister.co.uk

    Olaf Weber

    (This space left blank for technical reasons.)

    /| /| | |
    ||__|| | Please don't |
    / O O\__ feed |
    / \ the trolls |
    / \ \ |
    / _ \ \ ----------------------
    / |\____\ \ ||
    / | | | |\____/ ||
    / \|_|_|/ | __||
    / / \ |____| ||
    / | | /| | --|
    | | |// |____ --|
    * _ | |_|_|_| | \-/
    *-- _--\ _ \ // |
    / _ \\ _ // | /
    * / \_ /- | - | |
    * ___ c_c_c_C/ \C_c_c_c____________


    Junk mail is war. RFCs do not apply.

    XP: Insert wallet into drive A: and press any key to empty.

    If Windows is the solution, can we please have the problem back?

    "I hope to die before I *have* to use Microsoft Word.",
    Donald E. Knuth, 02-Oct-2001 in Tbingen.

    A Million Monkeys can inflict worse things than just Shakespeare on
    your system.

    Deine Sachkenntnis ist beeindruckend, darf ich Dich bitten, fr meine
    Konkurrenz zu arbeiten?
    - - Lutz Donnerhacke in doc

    Jemand, der "NT" nutzt, ist kein Sysadmin, sondern ein Reboot-Sklave.
    Und wenn er einen MCSE hat, dann ist er zertifizierter Bootmanager.
    - - unbekannt

    He who laughs last is at 300 baud.


    "Mac users swear by their Mac, PC users swear at their PC."

    Joerg Mayer
    We are stuck with technology when what we really want is just stuff that
    works. Some say that should read Microsoft instead of technology.


    This signature was added just to have one. ;-)


    When asked 68% of corporate execs said a corporation
    "Who owns the Internet?": 23% said it was Microsoft
    98% of 6th graders said: no one.


    Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around
    at 9, it's because they were up all night.



    "One World, one Web, one Program" - Microsoft Promo ad.
    "Ein Volk, ein Reich, ein Fhrer" - Adolf Hitler.

    Any setuid root program that does an exec() somewhere is just a less
    user friendly version of su.
    -- Olaf Kirch


    "My other computer is an abacus ... which is still better than a mac."
    -- Anonymous

    Regards, Robert

    If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

    "If you think NT is the answer, you didn't understand the question."
    - Paul Stephens


    Ash Varma

    There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.

    Profanity is the one language all programmers understand

    Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.

    Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy.
    Check 3 friends, if they are ok, you're it.

    The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a slow

    "Give a man fire, and he'll be warm for a day; set a man on fire, and he'll
    be warm for the rest of his life."

    Real Programmers consider "what you see is what you get" to be just as
    bad a concept in Text Editors as it is in women. No, the Real Programmer
    wants a "you asked for it, you got it" text editor -- complicated,
    cryptic, powerful, unforgiving, dangerous.

    Deck of Cards: $1.29. Card Table: $14.99. "101 Solitaire Variations"
    book: $6.59. Finding a cheaper replacement for the one thing Windows is
    ideal for: priceless.

    Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

    This PC runs Linux. If you find a virus apparently from me, it has
    forged the e-mail headers on someone else's machine. Please do not
    notify me when this occurs. Thanks.

    I'm leaving my body to science fiction

    The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign
    that the conspiracy is working.

    - -
    | Roman Drahtmller // Nail here |
    SuSE Linux AG - Security Phone: // for a new
    | Nrnberg, Germany +49-911-740530 // monitor! --> [x] |
    - -

    -- "I always wonder why people choose to support MS and then complain about
    all of these issues that are known in advance."

    miracle drug (noun). Any drug that doubles a pharmaceutical's share price.

    "Backups are for wimps. Real men upload their data to an FTP site and have
    everyone else mirror it." - Linus Torvalds

    Reboot America.

    If Microsoft Crashes get Linux.
    If Linux crashes get your hardware fixed.

    Intel: where Quality is job number 0.9998782345!

    The only secure Microsoft software is what's still shrink-wrapped in the

    MicroShaft Outhouse Excess

    The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

    Kevin Pfeiffer - www.iu-bremen.de
    404.haiku: You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page
    is not here.

    Power corrupts. PowerPoint corrupts absolutely.

    EmacsOS also has a web browser, mail client, and a text adventure.

    Emacs is for people who desperately want to get drunk,
    but feel guilty doing so without a reason.
    - Miles O'Neal

    Yes of course I'm sure it's the red cable. I guarante[^%!/+)F#0c|'NO CARRIER

    choeger DOT com

    The Internet used to be a lot of smart people sitting at dumb terminals,
    but now its a lot of dumb people sitting at smart terminals!

    Harald Mller-Ney (hmuelle@suse.de) | / \
    -----------------------------------------------+ \ / UTF-8 Ribbon Campaign
    Die Summe der Intelligenz auf unserem Planeten | X Against HTML & ASCII
    ist konstant, aber die Bevlkerung wchst. | / \ Mail

    Sascha Wilde
    We're Germans and we use Unix. That's a combination of two
    demographic groups known to have no sense of humour whatsoever.
    -- Hanno Mueller in de.comp.os.unix.programming

    Life is what happens while you're making other plans.

    WARNINGS: This post contains attempted humour... if you have trouble
    working out which bits are humour and which bits are not then please
    refer to the section in your computer's operating manual marked "How To
    Turn Off My Computer".

    Watch more TV - it doesn't answer back.

    Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windscreen.

    Spammers Beware: Trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again!

    Warning: Individuals throwing objects at the crocodiles will be asked to
    retrieve them!

    If pro is the opposite of con, the opposite of progress must be congress!


    If JavaScript is walking alone late at night through a bad part of
    town with a pocket full of $20 bills, ActiveX is dropping your
    trousers in the middle of the yard of a maximum-security prison,
    bending over, and yelling 'Come and get it, boys!'

    "Please have your Internet License
    and Usenet Registration handy..."

    Sky-diving: Good 'til the last drop.

    Is there a suspect in your family? - Contact the Ministry of Information.

    D: is just a data disk. That's why it's called "D", for "DATA".
    C: is the Windows OS disk, so it's called "C", for "CRAP".
    [David P. Murphy]

    If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably
    worth it.

    "Diplomacy: The art of saying 'Nice doggy' until you can find a stick."

    - Wynn Catlin

    The sad tale of Fido, the famous explosive-sniffing dog: "Fetch the
    grenade, Fido! Find it then! Good doggie! Seek!"

    Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
    Congress. But I repeat myself.
    -- Mark Twain

    Politik kann man in diesem Lande definieren als die Durchsetzung
    wirtschaftlicher Zwecke mit Hilfe der Gesetzgebung.
    - Kurt Tucholsky

    sigmentation fault

    Due to financial crisis the light at the end of the tunnel is switched off.

    No trees were harmed in the sending of this email,
    though a large number of electrons were severely inconvenienced.

    These twin-CPU hyperthreading computers are really great!
    We can wait ten to a hundred times faster these days.

    Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate.
    The bombs always hit the ground.

    Behold the warranty... the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh

    Unix is not an 'A-ha!' experience, it is more of a 'Holy shit!' experience.
    - Colin McFadyen

    I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit.
    - Mel Brooks

    Windows: Where do you want to go today?
    MacOS: Where do you want to be tomorrow?
    Linux: Are you coming or what?

    Discover your inner child ... It's probably freaked out, needs to go pee
    and wants to know if you're nearly there yet.

    Answers: $1 Correct answers: $5 Dumb looks: Free!

    It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is.
    If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't
    our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.

    First they came for those who wanted more than 120 characters, but I did
    not speak out, because I did not want more tha

    Quality control, n.: Assuring that the quality of a product does not get
    out of hand and add to the cost of its manufacture or design.

    vi-Befehle sind sogar relativ einfach zu merken. Wenn man einmal wei,
    was dw db de d) d( d} d{ dd d^ d$ d0 dG sowie cw und yw machen, dann
    wei man auch, was cb ce c) c( c} c{ cc c^ c$ c0 cG sowie yb ye y) y( y}
    y{ yy y^ y$ y0 yG machen. [Bernd Bordesser in suse-linux]

    "Romantics might like to think of themselves as being composed of
    stardust. Cynics might prefer to think of themselves as nuclear waste."

    -- Simon Singh

    Smoking: Suicide on an installment plan.

    "Yes," said the skull. "Quit while you're a head, that's what I say."

    "If you're not with me, you're my enemy."

    - Darth Vader

    "Either you are with us, or you are with the terrorists."

    - George W. Bush

    Vegetarian: Native American name for a lousy hunter.

    Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.
    -- Stephen Coonts, "The Minotaur"

    The difference between the USA and England is that the British think 100
    miles is a long distance and the Americans think 100 years is a long time.

    I do not get viruses because I do not use MS software.
    If you use Outlook then please do not put my email address in your address-
    book so that WHEN you get a virus it won't use my address in the From field.

    Ancient proverb: There are two types of people, those who back up
    regularly and those who haven't lost data recently.

    When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become president.
    Now I'm beginning to believe it. --Clarence Darrow

    Really, I'm not out to destroy Microsoft. That will just be a completely
    unintentional side effect.
    --Linus Torvalds

    Never fdisk after midnight.

    A: Because it messes up the order in which people normally read text.
    Q: Why is top-posting such a bad thing?
    A: Top-posting.
    Q: What is the most annoying thing in e-mail?

    In a perfect world... spammers would get caught, go to jail,
    and share a cell with many men who have enlarged their penises,
    taken Viagra and are looking for a new relationship.

    I'm sick of following my dreams... I'm just going to ask them where they're
    going, and catch up later.

    Are you gullible? Call 0900 to find out.

    fast food: haste makes waist

    Drive defensively. Buy a tank.

    Q: Why do programmers confuse Halloween and Christmas?
    A: Because 31 OCT == 25 DEC.

    Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for
    word what you shouldn't have said.

    Let us have a moment of silence for all Americans who are now stuck in
    traffic on their way to a health club to ride a stationary bicycle. -
    Congressman Earl Blumenauer (Oregon)

    A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong. -- unknown

    186: Admin-Handy
    Elektronisches Wrgehalsband (Holger Kpke)

    Anyone who thinks the government is listening to their phone calls should try
    calling Inland Revenue for tax help!

    Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

    Life is short - so eat dessert first!

    Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
    -- H.L. Mencken --

    Finster's Law:
    A closed mouth gathers no feet.

    Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

    "Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having
    a peeing section in a swimming pool." -- Edward Burr

    It's a known fact that one may train cats to do exactly what they want.

    By accepting this brick through your window, you accept it as is and
    agree to my disclaimer of all warranties, express or implied, as well as
    disclaimers of all liability, direct, indirect, consequential or
    incidental, that may arise from the installation of this brick into your

    (A)bort, (R)etry, (P)retend this never happened...

    Sure I've got a photographic memory... it just needs developing!

    Intolerant people should be shot.

    There is a saying by aeroplane designers - To fly the plane of the future,
    you'll only need a pilot and a dog. The pilot's job will be to feed the dog
    and the dog will be there to bite the pilot if he touches anything.

    DOSen-Hersteller: "Wisst ihr, was wir DOSen-Hersteller an Euch
    Windows-Usern so toll finden?"
    Windows-User: "Keine Ahnung."
    DOSen-Hersteller: "Genau."

    Mgen tten wir schon wollen, doch drfen haben wir uns nicht getraut.
    Karl Valentin

    Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...

    Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!





    Have one sip of beer per successfully met condition


    'Open hailing frequencies'
    'Medical emergency'
    'Belay that order'
    'Hell','Damn' and other swearing. See Rikers special swearing


    'Make it so'
    'Come' - two if said in personal quarters
    'Captain's log' - two if supplemental
    'Number One'


    'Grrrrr' ( A simple sneer qualifies)




    Riker swears - two drinks; three if it's 'hell'; whole beer if he
    asks 'what the hell is going on'
    Riker walks forward as if he's trying to knock an imaginary door
    down with his forehead.
    A female character has flawless makeup after she's been through the
    Picard straightens his uniform

    Data's innards are revealed

    Data uses his strength

    Data is cut off mid sentence - two drinks if it's a list of
    Geordie's visor is taken or knocked off

    Beverly can't figure out some bizarre medical problem

    Deanna senses something really shocking

    Deanna gives us Betazoid insight into something really obvious

    O'Brien has a line (this gets brutal after the third season - weak
    drinkers may pass)
    A crew member drinks - two if it's Picard; three if it's Picard
    drinking tea; four if the tea is identified as Earl
    A bridge officer is shown in casual clothes (one drink per scene,
    per officer) = two drinks if it's Beverly in a
    sweater; two drinks if it's Picard in his chest
    revealing bedwear.
    A bridge officer appears in dress uniform (one drink per scene, per
    Every time somebody is addressed by his or her first name - two if
    there's some kind of sexual tension going on.
    Every time they use transporter room three.

    A shuttle craft seems like an unsafe place to be.

    Somebody reads a book.

    Somebody preaches the Prime Directive - two if it's NOT Picard

    Somebody preaches about Humanity's Unique Potential

    Picard has an accident or is attacked - two drink; three if it
    draws blood
    Picard is possessed - four drinks

    An 'old earth saying' is brought up - two if Data has to have it
    explained to him.
    Patrick Stewart tries to speak French

    Wesley talks back to his Mom.

    Somebody implies that Ten Forward is a Happening Place

    They fade for an advertisement playing the 'ominous horns'

    Klingon is spoken - two drinks per scene in which Klingons are
    alone and have no obvious reason to speak English
    but do anyway.
    Each scene in which a nifty new Romulan ship is shown

    There's a token alien in the background with no lines - two if it's
    a Vulcan.
    Yellow Alert - one drink
    Red Alert - two drinks
    Intruder Alert - three drinks

    Another Captain or Star Fleet Command officer is on screen.

    There's a countdown

    Every time a bridge command is handed over

    The Enterprise crew avoids a confrontation instead of blasting
    Each scene in which the Enterprise actually fights (shots must be
    fired) - two drinks.
    Whole beer whenever the saucer section separates.

    They contact somebody on the communicator/intercom without going to
    a panel or touching anything.
    A communicator isn't working or is blocked - two if it's out of
    New Trek contradicts a fact from Old Trek (Unfortunately, players
    may be too drunk to adjudicate this rule)
    You're thirsty

    Train Station is
    where trains stop.

    Bus Station is
    where buses stop.

    Work Station is
    where work stop on my desk.

    Playstation is
    where play never stop for my children.

    Power Station is
    where power stops just in California.

    What is Station?

    Hiroshi Suzuki

    Train Station is
    where trains come and go.

    Bus Station is
    where buses come and go.

    Work Station is
    where work comes in, gets done and goes on.

    Playstation is
    where plays come and go, never stops for me and you...

    Raymond Zhao

    A dog went wild and attacked a young boy in Central Park, NY. A man was
    able to grab the dog by the neck, pulling it off the boy and choking it
    to death.

    A reporter for the NY Times comes to interview him, congratulating him
    on his act of heroism. He suggests the headline: "New Yorker saves the
    life of a young boy!"

    But, the man told him, "I'm not from NY".

    Ok, then how about: "American hero saves the day"?

    But, the man told him, "I'm not American".

    Then, "where are you from?" asked the reporter.

    I'm from Pakistan, the man answered.

    The next day the headlines read:


    1. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how
    many you can do at a time.
    2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.
    3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
    4. When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.
    5. Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
    6. Dance naked in front of your pets.
    7. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him to pre-school as if
    nothing is wrong.
    8. Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.
    9. Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high
    10. Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.
    11. Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead.
    12. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
    13. Buy a subscription to "Sleazoid Weekly" and send it to your boss's
    14. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
    15. Drive to work in reverse.
    16. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
    17. Tell you boss to "blow it out your mule" and let him figure it out.
    18. Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
    19. Polish your car with earwax.
    20. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
    21. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to
    22. Braid the hairs in each nostril.
    23. Write a short story using alphabet soup.
    24. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
    25. Make up a language and ask people for directions in it.

    Bonus: Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in the


    Stupid Criminal # 1

    A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a
    car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and
    told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and
    wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was


    Stupid Criminal # 2

    Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in
    Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The
    prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in
    Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher,
    who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed
    it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of
    cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five-minute
    recess to compose himself.


    Stupid Criminal # 3

    Oklahoma City - Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a
    convenience store in a district court when he fired his lawyer.
    Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a
    fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that
    Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying,
    and then said, "I should have blown your head off." The defendant
    paused, then quickly added, "If I'd been the one that was there." The
    jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30-year


    Stupid Criminal # 4

    Detroit - R.C. Gaitlan, 21 walked up to two patrol officers who were
    showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit
    neighbourhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked
    him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they
    entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan
    because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two
    year old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.


    Stupid Criminal # 5

    A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all
    the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag,
    the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on
    the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he
    refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber
    said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he
    didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license
    out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over,
    and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in
    the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier
    promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber
    that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.


    Stupid Criminal # 6

    A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
    revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner
    moved, the startled first bandit shot him.


    Stupid Criminal # 7

    San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked
    into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this
    bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller,
    he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might
    call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the
    Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a
    few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She
    read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the
    brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not accept his
    stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip
    and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or
    go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said,
    "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who
    arrested the man a few minutes later as he was waiting in line back at
    Bank of America.


    Stupid Criminal # 8

    RUNNER-UP #5 From England: A motorist was unknowingly caught in an
    automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and
    photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for 40
    Pounds and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police
    department a photograph of40 Pounds. In response, he received a letter
    from the police that contained another picture - of handcuffs. The
    motorist then promptly sent the money for the fine.


    Stupid Criminal # 9

    A Charlotte, NC, man, having purchased a case of very rare, very
    expensive cigars, insured them against fire (among other things.)
    Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and
    without even having made his first premium payment on the policy, the
    man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man
    stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance
    company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had
    consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued and won. In
    delivering the ruling the judge, agreeing that the claim was frivolous,
    stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in
    which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also
    guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it
    considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the
    claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the
    insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the
    rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed the check,
    however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his
    own insurance claim and using his testimony against him, the man was
    convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced
    to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.


    Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager
    were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving
    down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car
    failed. The car careered almost out of control down the road,
    bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a
    halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken
    but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a
    mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

    "I know", said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting,
    propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals,
    and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the
    Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

    "No, no", said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long,
    and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss
    Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's
    braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."

    "Well", said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think
    we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."


    So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a
    sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight
    without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet,
    conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

    One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat,
    shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the
    bird mad and he swears more than ever.

    Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you", and locks the bird in a
    kitchen cabinet.

    This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the
    guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective
    that would make a veteran sailor blush.

    At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

    For the first few seconds there is terrible din. The bird kicks and
    claws and thrashes. Then suddenly gets very quiet.

    At first the guy just waits, but then the starts to think the bird may
    be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he
    opens up the freezer door.

    The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says,
    "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve
    my vocabulary from now on."

    The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has
    come over the parrot.

    Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

    So you think you're computer-illiterate? Check out the following
    excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article by Jim Carlton --

    1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to
    "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the
    "Any" key is.

    2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse
    was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out
    to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

    3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man
    complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files
    from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and
    heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the
    customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the
    typewriter to type the labels.

    4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
    diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer
    along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

    5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled
    floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked
    the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down,
    getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

    6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his
    computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting,
    the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of
    paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting
    the "send" key.

    7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so
    a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got
    me a couple of friends, "the customer replied. When told Egghead
    was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for
    me to find a couple of geeks."

    8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard
    no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with
    soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing
    all the keys and washing them individually.

    9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was
    enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an
    invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command"
    and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

    10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't
    get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer
    was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she
    pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on
    this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out
    to be the computer's mouse.

    11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her
    brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the
    unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for
    something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed
    the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

    12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
    Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
    Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
    Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my
    warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
    Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
    Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
    Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because
    I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional,
    at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder?
    Does it have any trademark on it?"
    Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a
    promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
    At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he
    couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the
    CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

    What to say to Telemarketers ......

    1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for
    bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

    2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want
    to know?" Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you asked,
    because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems;
    my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."
    When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your

    3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell
    their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them
    where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or
    questions about their company for as long as necessary.

    4. This works great if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy
    and I'm with XYZ Company..." You: Wait for a second and with a real
    husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

    5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have
    you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror
    as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.

    6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one and
    keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most
    fun if you can do it until they hang up.

    7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends
    Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any
    friends... would you be my friend?"

    8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you
    get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

    9. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you.
    When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give
    your credit card number to a complete stranger.

    10. Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, they
    often can't sell to employees.

    These are extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and
    housing associations throughout the UK:

    * I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my
    knob off.

    * I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he
    put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

    * ... and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against
    my fence.

    * I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof.
    I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

    * My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.

    * I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

    * Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped
    and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting
    married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move
    into the house.

    * I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

    * ... 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest
    are plain filthy.

    * I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

    * The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is

    * Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour
    and not fit to drink.

    * Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

    * Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age
    pensioner and need it badly.

    * I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at
    6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

    * The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
    unsightly and dangerous.

    * Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third
    so please send someone round to do something about it.

    * I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do
    something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every

    * Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my

    * I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I
    still have no satisfaction.

    * This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't
    get BBC2.

    * My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
    fungus growing in it.

    * ... and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I
    just can't take it anymore.

    * ... that is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

    11 and the Terrorist Attack

    The date of the attack: 9/11 -- 9 + 1 + 1 = 11
    September 11th is the 254th day of the year: 2 + 5 + 4 = 11
    After September 11th there are 111 days left to the end of the year.
    119 is the area code to Iraq/Iran: 1 + 1 + 9 = 11
    Twin Towers - standing side by side, looks like the number 11
    The first plane to hit the towers was Flight 11
    State of New York - The 11th State added to the Union
    New York City - 11 Letters
    Afghanistan - 11 Letters
    The Pentagon - 11 Letters
    Ramzi Yousef - 11 Letters (convicted of orchestrating the attack at
    the WTC in 1993)
    Flight 11 - 92 on board - 9 + 2 = 11
    Flight 77 - 65 on board - 6 + 5 = 11

    David Pawson's response:

    Oh my God! How worried should I be? There are 11 letters in the name
    "David Pawson!" I'm going into hiding NOW. See you in a few weeks.

    Wait a sec... just realized "YOU CAN'T HIDE" also has 11 letters!

    What am I gonna do?
    Help me!!! The terrorists are after me! ME! I can't believe it!

    Oh crap, there must be someplace on the planet Earth I could hide!
    But no... "PLANET EARTH" has 11 letters, too!

    Maybe Nostradamus can help me.
    But dare I trust him? There are 11 letters in "NOSTRADAMUS."

    I know, the Red Cross can help.
    No they can't... 11 letters in "THE RED CROSS," can't trust them.

    I would rely on self defense, but "SELF DEFENSE" has 11 letters in it,
    too! Can someone help?

    If so, send me email. No, don't... "SEND ME EMAIL" has 11 letters...

    Will this never end?
    I'm going insane! "GOING INSANE???" Eleven letters!! Nooooooooooo!!!!!!

    I guess I'll die alone, even though "I'LL DIE ALONE" has 11 letters...

    Oh my God, I just realized that America is doomed!
    Our Independence Day is July 4th ... 7/4 ... 7+4=11!

    ~ Dave

    PS. "IT'S BULLSHIT" has 11 letters also.

    The way America works today

    Let's see if I understand how America works lately. If a woman burns
    her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving,
    she blames the restaurant. If your teen-age son kills himself, you
    blame the rock 'n' roll music or musician he liked. If you smoke three
    packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the
    tobacco company. If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain
    you blame the school for poor sex education. If your neighbor crashes
    into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender. If your
    cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was
    dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones. If your
    grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television. If your
    friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.
    And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the
    pilots at 10,000 metres, and the passengers kill him instead, the
    mother of the deceased blames the airline.

    I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore. So
    if I die while my old, wrinkled rear end is parked in front of this
    computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?

    Things We Learn from Hollywood Movies

    During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a
    strip-club at least once.

    All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

    All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the armpit
    level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

    The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place.
    No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel
    to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

    Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not
    be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

    A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but
    will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

    Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night,
    you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

    If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange
    noises in their most revealing underwear.

    Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

    Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to

    If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be
    cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep
    your mouth shut.

    Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

    A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.

    All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
    readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

    When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and
    wisecracks are your best weapons.

    One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20
    men firing at one man.

    Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more

    If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bath. German
    bullets are unable to penetrate water.

    Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication
    systems of any invading alien civilisation.

    Freelance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings from
    international terrorist organisations - even though the job will
    require them to shoot total strangers and will end in their own certain
    death as the helicopter explodes in a ball of flames.

    Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - specially if any
    of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.

    All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.

    Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure
    they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

    When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each

    Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage
    despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions.

    A credit card or a paper clip can pick any lock in seconds - unless
    it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

    When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but at the
    person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey.

    An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no
    lasting damage to an eight year old child.

    Having a job of any kind will make fathers forget their son's eighth

    Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three
    days before their retirement.

    If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert
    in nuclear fission at age 22.

    The more a man and a woman seem to hate each other, the more likely
    they will fall in love.

    All about toasters:

    If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people
    bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim
    a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

    If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one-sided or double-sided.
    Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would
    jam your bread for you.

    If Radio Shack made toasters... The staff would sell you a toaster,
    but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to
    build your own toaster.

    If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their toaster was compatible
    with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd
    discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant
    Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance
    was just blowing smoke.

    If Sun made toasters... The toast would burn often, but you could get
    a really good cuppa Java.

    Does DEC still make toasters?... They made good toasters in the '80s,
    didn't they?

    If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse
    Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

    If Tandem made toasters... You could make toast 24 hours a day, and
    if a piece got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new

    If Thinking Machines made toasters... You would be able to toast
    64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.

    If Cray made toasters... They would cost $16 million but would be
    faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.

    If Sony made toasters... The ToastMan, which would be barely larger
    than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be
    conveniently attached to your belt.

    If CostCo made toasters... They'd be really cheap, as long as you
    bought a six-pack of 'em.

    And, of course:

    If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread,
    you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the
    toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster '95
    would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel
    countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up
    95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster
    that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be,
    and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who
    made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless
    would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their


    1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
    2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a fuck.
    3. How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?
    4. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
    5. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
    6. Ahhh, I see the fuck_up fairy has visited us again.
    7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
    8. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
    9. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
    10. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
    11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
    12. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
    13. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
    14. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
    15. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
    16. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
    17. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
    18. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
    19. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
    20. No, my powers can only be used for good.
    21. I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.
    22. You sound reasonable......time to up my medication.
    23. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
    24. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
    25. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
    26. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
    27. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

    Top 45 Oxymorons:

    45. Act naturally
    44. Found missing
    43. Resident alien
    42. Advanced BASIC
    41. Genuine imitation
    40. Airline Food
    39. Good grief
    38. Same difference
    37. Almost exactly
    36. Government organization
    35. Sanitary landfill
    34. Alone together
    33. Legally drunk
    32. Silent scream
    31. Living dead
    30. Small crowd
    29. Business ethics
    28. Soft rock
    27. Butt Head
    26. Military Intelligence
    25. Software documentation
    24. New classic
    23. Sweet sorrow
    22. Childproof
    21. "Now, then ..."
    20. Synthetic natural gas
    19. Passive aggression
    18. Taped live
    17. Clearly misunderstood
    16. Peace force
    15. Extinct Life
    14. Temporary tax increase
    13. Computer jock
    12. Plastic glasses
    11. Terribly pleased
    10. Computer security
    9. Political science
    8. Tight slacks
    7. Definite maybe
    6. Pretty ugly
    5. Twelve-ounce pound cake
    4. Diet ice cream
    3. Working vacation
    2. Exact estimate
    1. Microsoft Works

    Subject: bad translations???

    Okay, we have all heard it... be it in English, Spanish or any other native
    language... a person who is not a native speaker, attempts to say something,
    and well... they say something funny instead... When it's a friend, we laugh
    with them, and correct them... when it's a business... well... I think we
    can just laugh...

    A friend of mine went on a "round the world" trip... actually he visited 20
    some-odd countries over the course of a year or more... almost all by
    plane... so I guess he really didn't go round the whole world... just most
    of it... :*) at any rate, here are some phrases, written in English... in
    some not so English places... :)

    In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
    Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

    In a Budapest zoo:
    Please do not feed the animals. If you have any
    suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

    In the office of a Roman doctor:
    Specialist in women and other diseases.

    In an Acapulco hotel:
    The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

    In a Tokyo bar:
    Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

    In a Japanese hotel:
    You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

    In a Zurich hotel:
    Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
    opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be
    used for this purpose.

    In a Tokyo Hotel:
    Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a
    person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

    In a Rome laundry:
    Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having
    a good time.

    Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
    Would you like to ride on your own ass?

    In a Swiss mountain inn:
    Special today -- no ice cream.

    Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
    Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

    In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
    Drop your trousers here for best results.

    From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
    Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your
    room, please control yourself.

    From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
    When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.
    Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your
    passage then tootle him with vigor.

    Outside a Paris dress shop:
    Dresses for street walking.

    In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
    The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we
    regret that you will be unbearable.

    In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
    To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin
    should enter more persons, each one should press a number of
    wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national

    In a Paris hotel elevator:
    Please leave your values at the front desk.

    In a hotel in Athens:
    Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the
    hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

    In a Yugoslavian hotel:
    The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the

    In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
    You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and
    Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except

    In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
    Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

    In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
    Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the
    boots of ascension.

    On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
    Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

    On the menu of a Polish hotel:
    Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy
    dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef
    rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

    In a Rhodes tailor shop:
    Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute
    customers in strict rotation.

    A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
    It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that
    people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live
    together in one tent unless they are married with each other
    for that purpose.

    In a Bangkok temple:
    It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as
    a man.

    In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
    We take your bags and send them in all directions.

    On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
    If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

    In a Tokyo shop:
    Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best
    in the long run.

    Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
    - English well talking.
    - Here speeching American.

    A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.

    The only question asked was:

    Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to
    the food shortage in the rest of the world?

    The survey was a huge failure.

    In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant,
    In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant,
    In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant,
    In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant,
    In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant,
    In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant,
    And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.

    "Squawks" are problems noted by U.S. air force pilots and left for
    maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some actual
    maintenance complaints logged by those Air Force pilots and the replies
    from the maintenance crews.

    P = Problem, S = Solution

    P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

    P: Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.
    S: Auto land not installed on this aircraft.

    P: #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.
    S: #2 propeller seepage normal - #1, #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.

    P: Something loose in cockpit.
    S: Something tightened in cockpit.

    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.

    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: Volume set to more believable level.

    P: Dead bugs on windscreen.
    S: Live bugs on order.

    P: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 frm descent
    S: Cannot reproduce problems on ground.

    P: IFF inoperative.
    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what they're there for.

    P: Number three engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

    P: Aircraft handles funny.
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious.

    P: Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with the words.

    Die folgenden Zitate stammen aus einer Sammlung der "Schweizerische
    Mobiliar" (Versicherung), die zur Zeit daraus Spots fr eine
    Werbekampagne gestaltet. Sie sind allesamt schriftliche uerungen von

    "Zwischenzeitlich wurde der Gehgips am rechten Arm entfernt."

    "Ich entfernte mich vom Straenrand, warf einen Blick auf meine
    Schwiegermutter und fuhr die Bschung hinunter."

    "Da sprang der Verfolgte ins Wasser und tauchte trotz mehrmaliger
    Aufforderung nicht mehr auf."

    "Auerdem bin ich vor meinem ersten Unfall und nach meinem Letzten
    unfallfrei gefahren."

    "Ein Fugnger kam pltzlich vom Brgersteig und verschwand dann
    wortlos unter meinem Wagen."

    "Ich habe so viele Formulare ausfllen mssen, dass es mir bald lieber
    wre, mein geliebter Mann wre berhaupt nicht gestorben."

    "Es hatte zwischenzeitlich an einigen Stellen geschneit. Die Fahrbahn
    war dadurch auf einigen Straen rutschig geworden. Ich wollte den Wagen
    abbremsen. Ich habe gekmpft wie ich nur konnte, aber es half nichts.
    Prallte gegen die Zaunmauer und wurde unbewusst. Aus war es mit meiner

    "Ich berfuhr einen Mann. Er gab seine Schuld zu, da ihm dies schon
    einmal passiert war."

    "Ich bin ferner mit meinen Nerven am Ende und habe mit einer schweren
    Kastritis zu tun."

    "Beim Heimkommen fuhr ich versehentlich in eine falsche
    Grundstcksauffahrt und rammte einen Baum, der bei mir dort nicht

    "Wer mir die Geldbrse gestohlen hat, kann ich nicht sagen, weil aus
    meiner Verwandtschaft niemand in der Nhe war."

    Ich fuhr durch die Au. Pltzlich kamen von links und rechts mehrere
    Fahrzeuge. Ich wute nicht mehr wohin, und dann krachte es vorne und

    "Ich musste ihn leider aufs Korn, d.h. auf den Khler nehmen. Dann
    fegte ich ihn seitlich ber die Windschutzscheibe ab."

    "Ihre Argumente sind wirklich schwach. Fr solche faulen Ausreden
    mssen Sie sich einen Dmmeren suchen, aber den werden Sie kaum

    "Der Fugnger hatte anscheinend keine Ahnung, in welche Richtung er
    gehen sollte und so berfuhr ich ihn."

    "Heute schreibe ich zum ersten und letzten Mal. Wenn Sie dann nicht
    antworten, schreibe ich gleich wieder."

    "Mein Sohn hat die Frau nicht umgerannt. Er ist einfach vorbei gerannt.
    Dabei ist die Frau durch den Luftzug umgefallen."

    "Einnahmen aus der Viehhaltung haben wir keine. Mit dem Tod meines
    Mannes ging das letzte Rindvieh vom Hof."

    "Als ich auf die Bremse treten wollte, war diese nicht da."

    "Ich bin von Beruf Schweier. Ihr Computer hat an der falschen Stelle
    gespart und bei meinem Beruf das 'w' weggelassen."

    "Ich brauche keine Lebensversicherung. Ich mchte, dass alle richtig
    traurig sind, wenn ich einmal sterbe."

    "Mein Auto fuhr einfach geradeaus, was in einer Kurve allgemein zum
    Verlassen der Strae fhrt."

    "Ich fuhr rckwrts eine steile Strae hinunter, durchbrach eine
    Grundstcksmauer und rammte einen Bungalow. Ich konnte mich einfach
    nicht mehr erinnern, wo das Bremspedal angebracht ist."

    "Dann brannte pltzlich der Weihnachtsbaum. Die Flammen griffen auf den
    Vorhang ber. Mein Mann konnte aber nicht lschen, weil er wie ein
    Verrckter nur die Hausrat-Police suchte."

    "Unsere Autos prallten genau in dem Augenblick zusammen, als sie sich

    "Alle Rechnungen, die ich erhalte, bezahle ich niemals sofort, da mir
    dazu einfach das Geld fehlt. Die Rechnungen werden vielmehr in eine
    groe Trommel geschttet, aus der ich am Anfang jeden Monats drei
    Rechnungen mit verbundenen Augen herausziehe. Diese Rechnungen bezahle
    ich dann sofort. Ich bitte Sie zu warten, bis das groe Los Sie
    getroffen hat."

    "Leider ist mein Vater der Jagdleidenschaft Dritter zu Opfer gefallen.
    Man hielt ihn fr eine Wildsau und schoss ihn an."

    "Sofort nach dem Tod meines Mannes bin ich Witwe geworden."

    "Nach Ansicht des Sachverstndigen drfte der Verlust zwischen
    250.000,-- und einer Viertel Million liegen."

    "In Ihrem Schreiben vom 26.06. ber die neue Beitragsrechnung haben Sie
    mich freundlicherweise zum Frulein befrdert, was im Zusammenhang mit
    meinem Vornamen Heinz jedoch zu peinlichen Vermutungen Anlass gibt."

    "An der Kreuzung hatte ich einen unvorhergesehenen Anfall von

    "Das andere Auto kollidierte mit dem meinigen, ohne mir vorher seine
    Absicht mitzuteilen."

    "Im hohen Tempo nherte sich mir die Telegraphenstange. Ich schlug
    einen Zickzackkurs ein, aber dennoch traf mich die Telegraphenstange am

    "Schon bevor ich ihn anfuhr, war ich davon berzeugt, dass dieser alte
    Mann nie die andere Straenseite erreichen wrde."

    "Da sich der Fugnger nicht entscheiden konnte, nach welcher Seite er
    rennen sollte, fuhr ich oben drber."

    "Ein unsichtbares Fahrzeug kam aus dem Nichts, stie mit mir zusammen
    und verschwand dann spurlos."

    "Nachdem ich vierzig Jahre gefahren war, schlief ich am Lenkrad ein."

    "Ich hatte den ganzen Tag Pflanzen eingekauft. Als ich die Kreuzung
    erreichte, wuchs pltzlich ein Busch in mein Blickfeld, und ich konnte
    das andere Fahrzug nicht mehr sehen."

    "Als ich eine Fliege erschlagen wollte, erwischte ich den Telefonmast."

    "Ich sah ein trauriges Gesicht langsam vorberschweben, dann schlug der
    Herr auf dem Dach meines Wagens auf."

    "Whrend ich die Strae normal befuhr, berkam mich das Verlangen, mich
    zu erleichtern, weswegen ich das Fahrzeug am Rand anhielt und mich in
    ein nahes Gebsch begab. Nachdem ich die Hosen heruntergelassen hatte,
    kam der Gegner und gab's mir von hinten mit dem Kipper."

    "Die Unfallzeugen sind beigeheftet."

    "Das Pferd lief ber die Fahrbahn, ohne sich vorschriftsmig zu
    vergewissern, ob die Strae frei ist!"

    "Um den Zusammensto zu vermeiden, steuerte ich gegen den anderen

    "Das Glas ist kaputt, ich schicke Ihnen hier einen Splitter von der
    Scheibe mit, woran Sie sehen knnen, dass sie hin ist, denn sonst wre
    sie noch ganz unbeschdigt."

    "Ich bin schwerkrank gewesen und zweimal fast gestorben. Da knnen Sie
    mir doch wenigstens das halbe Sterbegeld auszahlen."

    "Ich war an dem Unfall nicht schuld! Schuld war die junge Frau im
    Minirock. Wenn Sie ein Mann sind, ist jede weitere Erklrung
    berflssig. Wenn Sie aber eine Frau sind, verstehen Sie es sowieso

    The viola is such a lovely instrument and also a lovely plant.
    Here are some questions and answers regarding violas and other things.

    What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
    The viola burns longer.
    The viola holds more beer.
    You can tune the violin.

    What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?
    The coffin has the dead person on the inside.

    What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
    You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

    What's the difference between a viola and an onion?
    No one cries when you cut up a viola.

    What's the definiton of "perfect pitch?"
    Throwing a viola into a dumpster without hitting the rim.

    Why do violists stand for long periods outside people's houses?
    They can't find the key and they don't know when to come in.

    What's the difference between a seamstress and a violist?
    The seamstress tucks up the frills.

    What's the difference between a washing machine and a violist?

    Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the viola?
    It saves time.

    How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?
    The bow is moving.

    Why is playing the viola like peeing in your pants?
    They both give you a nice warm feeling without making any sound.

    Why is a viola solo like a bomb?
    By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.

    Why is a viola solo like premature ejaculation?
    Because even when you know it's coming, there's nothing you can do about it.

    Why do violists leave their instrument cases on the dashboards of their cars?
    So they can park in "handicapped" parking places.
    If someone mistakes them for mafia, they might get some respect.

    Why don't violists play hide and seek?
    Because no one will look for them.

    Why do violists smile when they play?
    Because ignorance is bliss and what they don't know can't hurt them.

    Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering?
    Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they're

    What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
    Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

    What is the range of a Viola?
    As far as you can kick it.

    What do a SCUD missile and a viola player have in common?
    They're both offensive and inaccurate.

    What's the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?
    half a measure
    a semi-tone

    What's another name for viola auditions?
    Scratch lottery.

    What is the best way to plant a viola?
    Dig a rather large hole and bury the whole viola in it.

    8. Dezember 18:00
    Es hat angefangen zu schneien. Der erste Schnee in diesem Jahr. Meine
    Frau und ich haben unsere Cocktails genommen und stundenlang am Fenster
    gesessen und zugesehen wie riesige, weie Flocken vom Himmel herunter
    schweben. Es sah aus wie im Mrchen. So romantisch - wir fhlten uns
    wie frisch verheiratet. Ich liebe Schnee.

    9. Dezember
    Als wir wach wurden, hatte eine riesige, wunderschne Decke aus weiem
    Schnee jeden Zentimeter der Landschaft zugedeckt. Was fr ein
    phantastischer Anblick! Kann es einen schneren Platz auf der Welt
    geben? Hierher zu ziehen war die beste Idee, die ich je in meinem Leben
    hatte. Habe zum ersten Mal seit Jahren wieder Schnee geschaufelt und
    fhlte mich wieder wie ein kleiner Junge. Habe die Einfahrt und den
    Brgersteig freigeschaufelt. Heute Nachmittag kam der Schneepflug
    vorbei und hat den Brgersteig und die Einfahrt wieder zugeschoben,
    also holte ich die Schaufel wieder raus. Was fr ein tolles Leben!

    12. Dezember
    Die Sonne hat unseren ganzen schnen Schnee geschmolzen. Was fr eine
    Enttuschung. Mein Nachbar sagt, da ich mir keine Sorgen machen soll,
    wir werden definitiv eine weie Weihnacht haben. Kein Schnee zu
    Weihnachten wre schrecklich! Bob sagt, da wir bis zum Jahresende so
    viel Schnee haben werden, da ich nie wieder Schnee sehen will. Ich
    glaube nicht,da das mglich ist. Bob ist sehr nett - ich bin froh, da
    er unser Nachbar ist.

    14. Dezember
    Schnee, wundervoller Schnee! 30 cm letzte Nacht. Die Temperatur ist auf
    -20 Grad gesunken. Die Klte lt alles glitzern. Der Wind nahm mir den
    Atem, aber ich habe mich beim Schaufeln aufgewrmt. Das ist das Leben!
    Der Schneepflug kam heute nachmittag zurck und hat wieder
    alleszugeschoben. Mir war nicht klar, da ich soviel wrde schaufeln
    mssen, aber so komme ich wieder in Form. Wnschte ich wrde nicht so
    Pusten und Schnaufen.

    15. Dezember
    60 cm Vorhersage. Habe meinen Kombi verscheuert und einen Jeep gekauft.
    Und Winterreifen fr das Auto meiner Frau und zwei Extraschaufeln. Habe
    den Khlschrank aufgefllt. Meine Frau will einen Holzofen, falls der
    Strom ausfllt. Das ist lcherlich - schlielich sind wir nicht in

    16. Dezember
    Eissturm heute Morgen. Bin in der Einfahrt auf den Arsch gefallen, als
    ich Salz streuen wollte. Tut hllisch weh. Meine Frau hat eine Stunde
    gelacht. Das finde ich ziemlich grausam.

    17. Dezember
    Immer noch weit unter Null. Die Straen sind zu vereist, um irgendwohin
    zu kommen. Der Strom war 5 Stunden weg. Mute mich in Decken wickeln,
    um nicht zu erfrieren. Kein Fernseher. Nichts zu tun als meine Frau
    anzustarren und zu versuchen, sie zu irritieren. Glaube, wir htten
    einen Holzofen kaufen sollen, wrde das aber nie zugeben. Ich hasse es,
    wenn sie Recht hat! Ich hasse es, in meinen eigenen Wohnzimmer zu

    20. Dezember
    Der Strom ist wieder da, aber noch mal 40 cm von dem verdammten Zeug
    letzte Nacht! Noch mehr schaufeln. Hat den ganzen Tag gedauert. Der
    beschissene Schneepflug kam zweimal vorbei. Habe versucht eines der
    Nachbarskinder zum Schaufeln zu berreden. Aber die sagen, sie htten
    keine Zeit, weil sie Hockey spielen mssen. Ich glaube, da die lgen.
    Wollte eine Schneefrse im Baumarkt kaufen. Die hatten keine mehr.
    Kriegen erst im Mrz wieder welche rein. Ich glaube, da die lgen. Bob
    sagt, da ich schaufeln mu oder die Stadt macht es und schickt mir die
    Rechnung. Ich glaube, da er lgt.

    22. Dezember
    Bob hatte recht mit weier Weihnacht, weil heute Nacht noch mal 30 cm
    von dem weien Zeug gefallen ist und es ist so kalt, da es bis August
    nicht schmelzen wird. Es hat 45 Minuten gedauert, bis ich fertig
    angezogen war zum Schaufeln und dann mute ich pinkeln. Als ich mich
    schlielich ausgezogen, gepinkelt und wieder angezogen hatte, war ich
    zu mde zum Schaufeln. Habe versucht fr den Rest des Winters Bob
    anzuheuern, der eine Schneefrse an seinem Lastwagen hat, aber er sagt,
    da er zu viel zu tun hat. Ich glaube, da der Wichser lgt.

    23. Dezember
    Nur 10 cm Schnee heute. Und es hat sich auf 0 Grad erwrmt. Meine Frau
    wollte, da ich heute das Haus dekoriere. Ist die bekloppt? Ich habe
    keine Zeit - ich mu SCHAUFELN!!! Warum hat sie es mir nicht schon vor
    einem Monat gesagt? Sie sagt, Sie hat, aber ich glaube, da sie lgt.

    24. Dezember
    20 Zentimeter. Der Schnee ist vom Schneepflug so fest
    zusammengeschoben, da ich die Schaufel abgebrochen habe. Dachte ich
    kriege einen Herzanfall. Falls ich jemals den Arsch kriege, der den
    Schneepflug fhrt, ziehe ich ihn an seinen Eiern durch den Schnee. Ich
    wei genau, da er sich hinter der Ecke versteckt und wartet bis ich
    mit dem Schaufeln fertig bin. Und dann kommt er mit 150km/h die Strae
    runtergerast und wirft tonnenweise Schnee auf die Stelle, wo ich gerade
    war. Heute Nacht wollte meine Frau mit mir Weihnachtslieder singen und
    Geschenke auspacken, aber ich hatte keine Zeit. Mute nach dem
    Schneepflug Ausschau halten.

    25. Dezember
    Frohe Weihnachten. 60 Zentimeter mehr von der Scheie. Eingeschneit.
    Der Gedanke an Schneeschaufeln lt mein Blut kochen. Gott, ich hasse
    Schnee! Dann kam der Schneepflugfahrer vorbei und hat nach einer Spende
    gefragt. Ich hab ihm meine Schaufel ber den Kopf gezogen. Meine Frau
    sagt, da ich schlechte Manieren habe. Ich glaube,da sie eine Idiotin
    ist. Wenn ich mir noch mehr bing crosby anhren mu, werde ich sie

    26. Dezember
    Immer noch eingeschneit. Warum um alles in der Welt sind wir hierher
    gezogen ? Es war alles IHRE Idee. Sie geht mir echt auf die Nerven.

    27. Dezember
    Die Temperatur ist auf -30 Grad efallen und die Wasserrohre sind

    28. Dezember
    Es hat sich auf -5 Grad erwrmt. Immer noch eingeschneit. DIE ALTE

    29. Dezember
    Noch mal 30 Zentimeter. Bob sagt, da ich das Dach freischaufeln mu,
    oder es wird einstrzen. Das ist das Dmlichste was ich je gehrt habe.
    Fr wie bld hlt der mich eigentlich?!?

    30. Dezember
    Das Dach ist eingestrzt. Der Schneepflugfahrer verklagt mich auf
    50.000 DM Schmerzensgeld. Meine Frau ist zu ihrer Mutter gefahren. 25
    Zentimeter vorhergesagt.

    31. Dezember
    Habe den Rest vom Haus angesteckt. Nie mehr Schaufeln.

    8. Januar
    Mir geht es gut. Ich mag die kleinen Pillen, die sie mir dauernd geben.
    Warum bin ich an das Bett gefesselt??

    Ten reasons why men should not be ordained

    1. Men are too emotional. Their conduct at sporting events proves this.

    2. A man's place is in the military.

    3. Some men are so handsome, they will distract woman worshipers.

    4. Male physiology indicates that men are more suited to tasks like
    chopping down trees, unearthing rocks, and wrestling with wild animals.
    It would be "unnatural" for men to do other forms of work.

    5. In the Christian Bible (aka the New Testament), the person who
    betrayed Jesus was a man. His poor judgment and lack of faith represent
    the character of his gender. This justifies the subordinate position
    all men should take in matters of spiritual formation.

    6. Men are overly prone ot violence. "Real" men prefer to settle
    disputes with immature displays of prowess and domination. Thus they
    make poor role models and are dangerously unstable in positions of

    7. To be an ordained minister is to nurture the congregation. Nurturing
    is not a traditional male role. Through all history, women have proven
    more skilled at nurturing and more naturally attracted to it. This
    makes women the obvious choice for ordination.

    8. In Genesis, man was created before women, obviously as a prototype.
    Thus men represent an experiment. Women represent the crowning
    achievement of creation, a more perfect image of God's intent for

    9. For men who have children, the duties of the church may distract
    them from their responsibilities as fathers.

    10. Men can find meaningful and satisfying roles in church activities
    without being ordained. They can still sweep sidewalks, repair the
    roof, and maybe even lead portions of worship services on Father's Day.
    By embracing such traditional roles, they can still be vitally
    important in the life of the church.

    Why women are so bright...

    We got off the Titanic first.
    We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynaecological disorder excuses.
    Taxis stop for us.
    We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
    No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
    We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
    If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
    We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear.
    We never have to reach down every so often
    to make sure our privates are still there.
    We have the ability to dress ourselves.
    We can talk to people of the opposite sex
    without having to picture them naked.
    If we marry someone 20 years younger,
    we're aware that we look like an idiot.
    There are times when chocolate really can solve all our problems.
    We'll never regret piercing our ears.
    We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
    We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence,
    because they aren't listening anyway.
    Send this to five bright women you know and make their day!!! And you
    can even send them to your not so bright men friends, so they will know
    how to recognize a bright woman.

    TOP SECRET Microsoft(C) Code
    Project: Chicago(TM)
    Projected release-date: MAY 2003

    #include "win31.h"
    #include "win95.h"
    #include "evenmore.h"
    #include "oldstuff.h"
    #include "billrulz.h"

    char make_prog_look_big[1600000];

    void main()
    if (first_time_installation)


    if (still_not_crashed)

    if (detect_cache())

    if (fast_cpu())
    set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
    set_mouse(action, jumpy);
    set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);

    // printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11");
    // printf("Welcome to Windows 98");
    printf("Welcome to Windows 98");

    if (system_ok())
    system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp" O_CREATE);



    char make_prog_look_big[1600000];

    if (detect_cache())

    if (fast_cpu())

    set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
    set_mouse(action, jumpy);
    set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);

    printf("Welcome to Windoze 3.999 (we might get it right
    or just call it Chicago)\n");

    if (system_ok())
    system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);

    while(1) {
    if (rand() < 0.9)

    1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I
    may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

    2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky

    3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
    neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

    4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

    5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

    6. No one is listening until you fart.

    7. Always remember you are unique - just like everyone else.

    8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

    9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to

    10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without
    your help.

    11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car

    12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That
    way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

    13. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

    14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he
    will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

    15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably
    worth it.

    16. Don't squat with your spurs on.

    17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

    18. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

    19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

    20. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

    21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad

    22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back
    in your pocket.

    23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

    24. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

    25. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it
    holds the universe together.

    26. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

    27. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

    28. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

    29. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

    30. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

    Here are answers to 5 of the toughest questions women ask........

    There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy,
    according to an article in last April's issue of Sassy magazine.

    The five questions are:
    1 - "What are you thinking?"
    2 - "Do you love me?"
    3 - "Do I look fat?"
    4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
    5 - "What would you do if I died?"

    What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to
    explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer
    properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:

    1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of
    course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just
    reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent,
    beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."
    Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy
    was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five
    a - Baseball
    b - Football
    c - How fat you are.
    d - How much prettier she is than you.
    e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

    According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question
    came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his
    wife, Peg.
    "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."

    The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong

    2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes."
    For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer,
    "Yes, dear. Wrong answers include:
    a - I suppose so.
    b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
    c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
    d - Does it matter?
    e - Who, me?

    3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to
    confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then
    quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:
    a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
    b - Compared to what?
    c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
    d - I've seen fatter.
    e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance

    4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question
    could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring at so hard
    thay you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you
    just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much
    prettier." Wrong answers include:
    a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
    b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
    c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
    d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
    e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance

    5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in
    the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for
    me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first
    Domino's Pizza truck that came my way."

    A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another
    woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband
    down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice. She then
    secured it tightly and removed the handle.

    Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop!
    Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?"

    The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm
    going to set the garage on fire."

    Monday morning God decided that the world had reached the point of no
    return. So, he called Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates to
    the gates of heaven. He informed them of his decision and told them
    to go back to their people and prepare them for the end of the world
    on Thursday.

    Boris Yeltsin gets on state television and tells his people that he
    has bad news and worse news. After decades of telling the Soviet
    citizens that there is no God, he now realizes that he was wrong. He
    has seen God with his own eyes. Worse yet, God has decided to destroy
    the world and each person needs to prepare for Thursday as each sees

    Bill Clinton calls a press conference and says that he has good news
    and bad news. After centuries of telling the US citizens that there
    is a God, he has proof that we've been right. He has seen God with
    his own eyes. But the bad news is that God has decided to destroy the
    world and each person needs to prepare for Thursday as each sees fit.

    Bill Gates calls an all-hands meeting. He says that he has wonderful
    news and even more wonderful news. God, by calling him to the gates
    of heaven with the leaders of the two most powerful nations in the
    world, has just confirmed how important Bill Gates really is. The
    even better news is that on Thursday, IBM will stop shipping OS/2.

    1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
    2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
    3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
    4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
    5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)
    6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
    7. Be more or less specific.
    8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
    9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
    10. No sentence fragments.
    11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
    12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
    13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's
    highly superfluous.
    14. One should NEVER generalize.
    15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
    16. Don't use no double negatives.
    17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
    18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
    19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
    20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
    21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words
    however should be enclosed in commas.
    22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
    23. Kill all exclamation points!!!
    24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
    25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth
    shaking ideas.
    26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not
    27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate
    quotations. Tell me what you know."
    28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist
    hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
    29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
    30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
    31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
    32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
    33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

    And finally...
    34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

    Important Press Release:

    The manufacturers of KY Jelly have announced that their product is
    now fully Year 2000 compliant.

    In the light of this they have now renamed it as: 'Y2KY Jelly'.

    Said a spokesman: "The main benefit of this revision to our product is
    that you can now insert four digits into your date instead of two".

    The world in the year 2029:

    * Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be legally
    exported but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking in the

    * France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica.

    * Baby conceived naturally... scientists stumped.

    * Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

    * Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of
    the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and

    * Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10
    more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

    * Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh
    largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formally known as

    * George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

    * Postal service raises price of letter stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail
    delivery to Wednesdays only.

    * 85-year, $75.8 billion study reveals findings: Diet and Exercise are
    the keys to weight loss.

    * Average weight of Americans drops to 125kg.

    * US Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil

    * Florida voters still don't know how to use a voting machine.

    * Average height of basketball and netball players now 2.90m.

    * New US, British and Australian laws require that all nail clippers,
    screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered
    by January 2036.

    * US Congress and parliaments in two other countries authorise direct
    deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign

    * Lowest tax rate set at 75 percent in Australia, US, Canada and
    European countries, including the UK that still maintains it's not
    part of Europe.