Bankletter

HomeFunplexUncategorized

For all who have ever had any dealings with the banks..... This is an
actual letter sent to a Bank in the US. The Bank thought it amusing
enough to publish it in the New York Times.


Dear Bank Manager,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I
endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some
three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque,
and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I
refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight
years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience I caused your bank. My thankfulness springs from the
manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant
financial ways.

You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our
relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am
restructuring my affairs in 2000, taking as my model the procedures,
attitudes and conduct of your very own bank. I can think of no greater
compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To
this end, please be advised about the following:

First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone
calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the
impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank
has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and
blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and
hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by
cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your
branch, whom you must nominate.

You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any
other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an
Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to
complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know
as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no
alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history
must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory
details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she
must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter
than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button
presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank
service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my
new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours.
My Authorised Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will
have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an
automated voice. By pressing Buttons on the phone, he/she will be
guided through an extensive set of menus:

1. To make an appointment to see me.

2. To query a missing repayment.

3. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there;
Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the
call is received.

5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping;
Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call
is received.

6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
nature; Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the
call is received.

7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.

8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password
to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated
at a later date to the contact.

9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1
through 9.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a
lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month
I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie:

......."Oh, the banks are made of marble
With a guard at every door
And the vaults are filled with silver
That the miners sweated for"

After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it
off by heart.

On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has
often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a
cost - a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me
repay your kindness by passing some costs back.

First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I
will read for a fee of $20/page. Enquiries from your nominated contact
will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits
to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the
dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs
at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come free), so you would
be well advised to keep your enquiries brief and to the point.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous New Year.



Your humble client.

More Uncategorized

  1. [page] 10 Say Sleep Desk
  2. [page] A Foreign Perspective On The Florida Imbroglio
  3. [page] AmericanIntelligence
  4. [page] Answer Phones
  5. [page] Atheist Grizzly
  6. [page] Backyard Archeology
  7. [page] Bad Analogies
  8. [page] Bankletter
  9. [page] Billboard God
  10. [page] Bills New House
  11. [page] Blondes And Hailstone Damage
  12. [page] Bumper Stickers
  13. [page] Bush Schulfragen
  14. [page] Bushwhacked
  15. [page] Car Breakdown Shorts
  16. [page] Cat Pill
  17. [page] Caving At University
  18. [page] Christmas 12days
  19. [page] Christmas Linux
  20. [page] Christmas Tree Angels
  21. [page] ClassicBlundersOfEvilOverlords
  22. [page] Code Red Ad
  23. [page] Compquotations
  24. [page] Computer Frauen
  25. [page] Computer Gender
  26. [page] Computerlab
  27. [page] Computers Cars Technology
  28. [page] Customer Is Right
  29. [page] Dads Knowledge
  30. [page] Dark In Here
  31. [page] Darksucker
  32. [page] DarwinAwards1999
  33. [page] DeepThoughts
  34. [page] Der Elektrische Strom
  35. [page] Dilbert Quotes
  36. [page] Dogs World
  37. [page] Dumb Americans
  38. [page] Email Spoof Disclaimer
  39. [page] Emoticons Breasts
  40. [page] Emoticons Bums
  41. [page] Engineer If
  42. [page] Ethnic Behaviour
  43. [page] Exercise
  44. [page] F15 Hercules
  45. [page] Final Exam
  46. [page] Forum Discussions
  47. [page] Fun In Elevator
  48. [page] Funny UNIX
  49. [page] God Woman
  50. [page] Good Luck Mantra
  51. [page] Gospel Of Tux
  52. [page] Greetings PC
  53. [page] HarryPotter
  54. [page] Helpdesk Horror
  55. [page] Hotel Women Only
  56. [page] How To Be Annoying
  57. [page] Hypocrites
  58. [page] ID Ten T Error
  59. [page] Independence Revocation
  60. [page] Information Is Power
  61. [page] Insanity
  62. [page] Island Men Woman
  63. [page] Jb Blows Errors
  64. [page] KalteKalorien
  65. [page] Killer Biscuits
  66. [page] LauraSchlessinger
  67. [page] Life Reverse
  68. [page] Lines Of Wisdom
  69. [page] MS Bugger
  70. [page] MS Speak
  71. [page] Make Money Fast
  72. [page] Menstruationszyklus Und Verhutung
  73. [page] Menwomen
  74. [page] Merry Christmas Allerseits
  75. [page] Microsoft
  76. [page] Microsoft Name
  77. [page] NZ Currency
  78. [page] Nerd Money
  79. [page] Newspaper Headlines
  80. [page] Noah Today
  81. [page] Nudist Taglines
  82. [page] One Liners
  83. [page] OrganicBlueberryMillionaire
  84. [page] Police Lawyers
  85. [page] Product Labels
  86. [page] RichardPrebble
  87. [page] SCO Nigerian Spam
  88. [page] Saddam Vs Bush
  89. [page] Santaclaus
  90. [page] Schaefer
  91. [page] Schwulenkneipe
  92. [page] Serbian Peacekeeping
  93. [page] Shit Happens
  94. [page] Short History Of Medicine
  95. [page] Shower Like Woman+man
  96. [page] Signatures
  97. [page] Startrek Drinking
  98. [page] Stations
  99. [page] Strangled Dog
  100. [page] Stress
  101. [page] Stupid Criminals
  102. [page] Sw Engineer
  103. [page] Swearing Parrot
  104. [page] Tech Support Quotes
  105. [page] Telemarketers Responses
  106. [page] Tenant Letters
  107. [page] Terrorist 11
  108. [page] TheWayAmericaWorks
  109. [page] Things We Learn From Movies
  110. [page] Toasters
  111. [page] Top 27 Say Work
  112. [page] Top 45 Oxymorons
  113. [page] Translations
  114. [page] UN Food Survey
  115. [page] US Squawks
  116. [page] Versicherungstexte
  117. [page] Viola
  118. [page] WeihnachtenSchnee
  119. [page] WhyMenShouldNotBeOrdained
  120. [page] Why Women Are So Bright
  121. [page] Windows 98 C
  122. [page] Windoze C
  123. [page] Wisdom 30 Points
  124. [page] Women5Q
  125. [page] Women Evil
  126. [page] World Ends Microsoft
  127. [page] Writing Rules
  128. [page] Y2KY Jelly
  129. [page] Year 2029