The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take
the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of
concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other
restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining was due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of the
season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and
mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He could
not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of
a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved
productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard
Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also
lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole
has received unfavourable press.

I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed.
Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management
denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that
Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance
abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never
did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by
one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he
is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the
North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive
steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take
place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

- The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned
out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic
hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

- The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not
cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours
could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated;

- The three French hens will remain intact. After all,
everyone loves the French;

- The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail
system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to
determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how
long they talked;

- The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of
Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could
have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification
into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high
technology stocks appear to be in order;

- The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer
be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg
per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity.
Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure
by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it
gets will be a good one;

- The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in
better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans
are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new
strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement;

- As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under
heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce
is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job
with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the
maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

- Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function
will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer
do the steps;

- Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the
expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation
Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work
congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed,
the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of
unemployed local body politicians this year;

- Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple
case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string
quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce
savings which will drop right down to the bottom line;

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl,
animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate
that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can
drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking
expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing")
action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be
necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen,
the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White
Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

Happy Holidays!

---------------------------------------------------------------
Philip Saysell, Assistant Advisor (Systems Analyst)
Policy Prevention Section (Cervical Screening Programme)
Ministry of Health, 1st floor, 123 Molesworth St, WELLINGTON

Mail: Ministry of Health, PO Box 5013, WELLINGTON
Courier: c/- Ministry of Health, 133 Molesworth St, WELLINGTON
Phone: +64 4 496 2167
Internet E-Mail: Philip.Saysell@mohwn.synet.net.nz

Disclaimer: Nothing in this message should be taken to reflect the official
policy of the New Zealand Government or the Ministry of Health.