50 WAYS TO CONFUSE, WORRY, OR JUST SCARE THE BEJEEZUS OUT OF
PEOPLE IN THE COMPUTER LAB

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face
and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.

2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop
and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on
duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After
he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, &
repeat the process for a good half hour.

4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next
to you evilly.

5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to
different screen than the one it's set up with.

6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play
it at the highest volume possible over & over again.

7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled
by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into
top-secret Pentagon files.

9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.

10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you
turn it on.

11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you
have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.

12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3
minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and
continue typing.

13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as
if they're crazy while typing.

14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before
starting.

15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until
someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say,
"Oops, I forgot."

16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time
required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and
scream "YES!" when it finishes.

17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"

18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you
(It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to
make new friends).

19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your
pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.

20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing
"The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time
required.

21. Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape
it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates
you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.

22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc
drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.

23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly
where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of
those.

24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its
all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one
line.

25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisely.
After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of
the person next to you.

26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the
person next to grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you
never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this
releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them
linger.

27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split
ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard
as you leave.

28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal
Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires
you.

29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove
shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks
layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim
sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on
plastic.

30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your
paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain
about the bad working conditions.

31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!"
and continue working.

32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is
smoking.

33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A
Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key,
hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.

34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.

35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying
"Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging
the keyboard & taking it.

36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that
sometimes the old ways are best.

38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the
lab.

39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over
again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can
hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look
at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several
times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask:
"Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume
hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this
until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's
document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've
been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it
wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.

40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab
monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For
special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk
drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)

41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really
puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly.
Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while
making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press
return or the mouse, then leap back and yell
"COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back
to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time,"
and calmly start to type again.

43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request.
Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup
before they get a chance to figure out you're a total
stranger.

45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound
effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.

46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain
that the lead doesn't work.

47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered
species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a
sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a
marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every
sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard.
Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and
walk out.

48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!",
then calmly sit down and begin to type.

49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker
chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest
person and say "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding
my pet crocodile for the next week".

50. Two words: Tesla Coil.