(from November 1998 issue of Maxim magazine)


-- Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

-- Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."

-- Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

-- When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

-- Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

-- Birth control would come in ale or lager.

-- Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.

-- The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

-- "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

-- It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town. (I guess we did rule the world at one time)

-- Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

-- Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

-- On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.

-- Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

-- Two words: Ally McNaked.

-- Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

-- The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill the losers. (The Romans never knew how lucky they had it)

-- It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

-- Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

-- When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "Do you know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

-- Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."

-- The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

-- People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

-- Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

-- Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.