- On a cardboard windshield sun shade:
"Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place." (discovered later that it wasn't made up)

- On an infant's bathtub:
Do not throw baby out with bath water.

- On a package of Fisherman's Friend throat lozenges:
Not meant as substitute for human companionship.

- On a roll of Life Savers:
Not for use as a flotation device.

- On a cup of McDonald's coffee:
Allow to cool before applying to groin area.

- On a Pentium chip:
If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replace it for a $2 shipping and a $3 handling charge, for a total of $4.97.

- On a pack of cigarettes:
WARNING -- The Tobacco Institute has determined that smoking just one cigarette greatly increases your risk of heart attack by making you so incredibly sexy that gorgeous members of the opposite sex surround you night and day, begging for intercourse and wearing you into exhaustion, unless, of course, you have another couple of cigarettes to steady your nerves.

- On a disposable razor:
Do not use this product during an earthquake.

- On a handgun:
Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.

- On pantyhose:
Not to be used in the commission of a felony.

- On a piano:
Harmful or fatal if swallowed.

- On Kevorkian's suicide machine:
This product uses carbon monoxide, which has been found to cause cancer in laboratory rats.

- On work gloves:
For best results, do not leave at crime scene.

- On a palm sander:
Not to be used to sand palms.

- On a calendar:
Use of term "Sunday" for reference only. No meteorological warranties express or implied.

- On Odor Eaters:
Do not eat.

- On Sen. Bob Dole:
WARNING: Contents under pressure and may explode.

- On a blender:
Not for use as an aquarium.

- On a fax machine:
WARNING! Never attempt to directly fax anyone an image of your naked buttocks. Always photocopy your buttocks and fax the photocopy.

- On syrup of ipecac:
Caution: May cause vomiting.

- On a revolving door:
Passenger compartments for individual use only.

- On a microscope:
Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear.

- On a wet suit:
Capacity, 1.

- On The Washington Post:
Do not cut up and use for blackmail note.