A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really surehow it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able t! o deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really surehow it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able t! o deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Subject: The 3-minute Management Course
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife
is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in atowel and runs
downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob,the
next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800
to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her
towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few
seconds, Bob hands
her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back
upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who
was
that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she
replies. "Great!" the
husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he
owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information
pertaining to credit
and risk with your shareholders, in time, you may be
in a position to
prevent avoidable exposure.
==========================================================
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed
her legs,
forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly
had an
accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand
up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest
removed
his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide
up her leg
again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember
Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is
weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to
look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek - further up, you will
find glory."
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might
miss a profitable
opportunity.
===========================================================
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, administration clerk, and the manager are
walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it
and a
Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the administration clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat,
without a care in
the world." Puff! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be
in Hawaii, relaxing
on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless
supply of Pina
Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! She's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office
after lunch."
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
==========================================================
Lesson 4:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small
rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit
like you and do
nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the
rabbit sat on
the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox
appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing,
you must be sitting
very, very high up.
==========================================================
Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be
able to get
to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I
haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?"
replied bull,
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it
actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the
tree. The next day,
after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly
perched at the top of
the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who
shot him
out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top,
but it won't keep
you there.
=========================================================
Lesson 6:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was
so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped
some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung,
he began to realize
how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him
out! He lay there
all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A
passing cat
heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the
cat discovered the birdunder the pile of cow dung, and
promptly dug him
out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's smart to keep
your mouth shut!
Thus, ends the 3-minute management course. Now go
forth and succeed!!!!!
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife
is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in atowel and runs
downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob,the
next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800
to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her
towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few
seconds, Bob hands
her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back
upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who
was
that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she
replies. "Great!" the
husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he
owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information
pertaining to credit
and risk with your shareholders, in time, you may be
in a position to
prevent avoidable exposure.
==========================================================
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed
her legs,
forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly
had an
accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand
up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest
removed
his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide
up her leg
again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember
Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is
weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to
look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek - further up, you will
find glory."
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might
miss a profitable
opportunity.
===========================================================
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, administration clerk, and the manager are
walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it
and a
Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the administration clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat,
without a care in
the world." Puff! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be
in Hawaii, relaxing
on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless
supply of Pina
Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! She's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office
after lunch."
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
==========================================================
Lesson 4:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small
rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit
like you and do
nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the
rabbit sat on
the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox
appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing,
you must be sitting
very, very high up.
==========================================================
Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be
able to get
to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I
haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?"
replied bull,
"They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it
actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the
tree. The next day,
after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly
perched at the top of
the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who
shot him
out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top,
but it won't keep
you there.
=========================================================
Lesson 6:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was
so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped
some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung,
he began to realize
how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him
out! He lay there
all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A
passing cat
heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the
cat discovered the birdunder the pile of cow dung, and
promptly dug him
out and ate him.
Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's smart to keep
your mouth shut!
Thus, ends the 3-minute management course. Now go
forth and succeed!!!!!
ATM Charges
by Melvin Durai
Withdrawing money from the bank used to be so convenient. You could
visit a money machine almost anywhere. Without paying a cent, you
could get enough cash to buy a television or put a large down payment
on some basketball shoes.
But a couple of years ago some banks started charging a fee. If you didn't
have an account with them, you had to pay at least a dollar to withdraw
money at their ATM (Automated Theft Machine).
Other banks followed suit and now the majority charge a fee. Some even
charge as much as $3, more than most of us save in a year. That's a
steep fee, especially when you're trying to withdraw $5.
To their credit, banks have tried to make ATMs much safer for us. They've
installed bright lights and security cameras. They don't want anyone else
robbing us.
Some lawmakers, bless their hearts, are trying to put a limit on the
surcharges. They don't want bankers to get carried away and use ATMs
to pay for their BMWs. They don't want the ATMs to display this message:
"Please withdraw only half as much as you can afford, because we're
taking the other half."
Banks say they have to charge a fee because ATMs are expensive. They
cost as much as $80,000 and that doesn't even include the money inside.
It would be cheaper to put a human in a box. But there's probably a law
against that. And humans, unlike machines, are prone to make mistakes
and they're also prone to run to Mexico with the money.
The surcharge also allows banks to install ATMs in many convenient
places, such as parks, plazas and prisons. They especially want ATMs
in places like casinos, where people are so desperate for money, they're
willing to trade their spouses.
But in their haste to make ATMs more convenient, banks have made
them less convenient for people like me. I'd rather have one free ATM in
my neighborhood than a dozen that want to swindle me. A couple of
dollars may not seem like much to a banker, but to me it means a feast
at Taco Bell.
Besides, it's against my principles to pay a bank to give me MY money.
I just won't do it, unless I'm stuck somewhere with no money, no Visa
and no mother.
What irks many people, including me, is that we got used to free ATMs
over many years. Banks got us hooked to them and then decided to
reel in our money.
For some reason, in the 1970s and '80s, bankers didn't complain much
about the cost of installing ATMs. Perhaps they were too busy explaining
to shareholders how the machines would replace tellers and save money.
At the unveiling of the first ATM, a banker probably said, "Here's a
revolutionary machine that dispenses cash without wasting time on chitchat
and without requiring minimum wage. It has no bad habits like smoking,
swearing or asking for raises. It cannot be threatened with a gun and will
never sue us for discrimination. One day, this machine will be able to greet
people through the video display, process their transactions quickly and
take them to the cleaners."
by Melvin Durai
Withdrawing money from the bank used to be so convenient. You could
visit a money machine almost anywhere. Without paying a cent, you
could get enough cash to buy a television or put a large down payment
on some basketball shoes.
But a couple of years ago some banks started charging a fee. If you didn't
have an account with them, you had to pay at least a dollar to withdraw
money at their ATM (Automated Theft Machine).
Other banks followed suit and now the majority charge a fee. Some even
charge as much as $3, more than most of us save in a year. That's a
steep fee, especially when you're trying to withdraw $5.
To their credit, banks have tried to make ATMs much safer for us. They've
installed bright lights and security cameras. They don't want anyone else
robbing us.
Some lawmakers, bless their hearts, are trying to put a limit on the
surcharges. They don't want bankers to get carried away and use ATMs
to pay for their BMWs. They don't want the ATMs to display this message:
"Please withdraw only half as much as you can afford, because we're
taking the other half."
Banks say they have to charge a fee because ATMs are expensive. They
cost as much as $80,000 and that doesn't even include the money inside.
It would be cheaper to put a human in a box. But there's probably a law
against that. And humans, unlike machines, are prone to make mistakes
and they're also prone to run to Mexico with the money.
The surcharge also allows banks to install ATMs in many convenient
places, such as parks, plazas and prisons. They especially want ATMs
in places like casinos, where people are so desperate for money, they're
willing to trade their spouses.
But in their haste to make ATMs more convenient, banks have made
them less convenient for people like me. I'd rather have one free ATM in
my neighborhood than a dozen that want to swindle me. A couple of
dollars may not seem like much to a banker, but to me it means a feast
at Taco Bell.
Besides, it's against my principles to pay a bank to give me MY money.
I just won't do it, unless I'm stuck somewhere with no money, no Visa
and no mother.
What irks many people, including me, is that we got used to free ATMs
over many years. Banks got us hooked to them and then decided to
reel in our money.
For some reason, in the 1970s and '80s, bankers didn't complain much
about the cost of installing ATMs. Perhaps they were too busy explaining
to shareholders how the machines would replace tellers and save money.
At the unveiling of the first ATM, a banker probably said, "Here's a
revolutionary machine that dispenses cash without wasting time on chitchat
and without requiring minimum wage. It has no bad habits like smoking,
swearing or asking for raises. It cannot be threatened with a gun and will
never sue us for discrimination. One day, this machine will be able to greet
people through the video display, process their transactions quickly and
take them to the cleaners."
Monday ------
8:05 A.M. User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and hang up. God, we let the people vote and drive, too?
8:12 A.M. Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, "Well, it works for me." Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again. One more happy customer...
8:14 A.M. User from 805 call said they received error message "Error accessing Drive 0." Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to microsupport.
11:00 A.M. Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone back in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down in basement. What is she thinking? The "Myst" and "Doom" nationals are this weekend!
11:34 A.M. Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL changed on HR performance review database so that nobody but HR can access database. Tell them no problem. Hang up. Change ACL. Add @MailSend so performance reviews are sent to */US.
12:00 P.M. Lunch
3:30 P.M. Return from lunch.
3:55 P.M. Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce servers for no reason.
Return to napping.
4:23 P.M. Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts on form. Ask them what chip set they're using. Tell them to call back when they find out.
4:55 P.M. Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro so next shift has something to do.
Tuesday -------
8:30 A.M. Finish reading support log from last night. Sounded busy. Terrible time with Save/Replication conflicts.
9:00 A.M. Support manager arrives. Wants to discuss my attitude. Click on PhoneNotes SmartIcon. "Love to, but kinda busy. Put something in the calendar database!" I yell as I grab for the support lines, which have (mysteriously) lit up. Walks away grumbling.
9:35 A.M. Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee. Tell them they need form J-19R=9C9\\DARR\K1. Say they never heard of such a form.
Tell them it's in the SPECIAL FORMS database. Say they never heard of such a database. Transfer them to janitorial closet in basement.
10:00 A.M. Perky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID. Tell her I need employee number, department name, manager name, and marital status. Run @DbLookup against state parole board database, Centers for Disease Control database, and my Oprah Winfrey database. No hits. Tell her ID will be ready tonight. Drawing from the lessons learned in last week's "Reengineering for Customer Partnership," I offer to personally deliver ID to her apartment.
10:07 A.M. Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in basement. Offer to train him on Notes. Begin now. Let him watch console while I grab a smoke.
1:00 P.M. Return from smoking break. Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he transferred them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy.
1:05 P.M. Big commotion! Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled floor tiles outside his office door. Stress to him importance of not running in computer room, even if I do yell "Omigod -- Fire!"
1:15 P.M. Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in form names. Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will fix it. Hang up and run global search/replace using gaks.
1:20 P.M. Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls. Says she keeps getting calls for "Notice Loads" or "NoLoad Goats," she's not sure, couldn't hear over industrial-grade blender. Tell her it was probably "Lettuce Nodes." Maybe the food distributor with a new product? She thinks about it and hangs up.
2:00 P.M. Legal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask her to check in her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter. Tell her it probably fell out of back of machine. Suggest she put duct tape over all the airvents she can find on the PC. Grudgingly offer to create new ID for her while she does that.
2:49 P.M. Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off rest of day.
Wednesday ---------
8:30 A.M. Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on form. Tell them Of course, they should have been checking "Bitset," not "chipset." Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up.
9:10 A.M. Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office. Schedules 10:00 A.M meeting with me. User calls and wants to talk to support manager about terrible help at support desk. Tell them manager about to go into meeting. Sometimes life hands you material...
10:00 A.M. Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me. Go to support manager's office. He says he can't dismiss me but can suggest several lateral career moves. Most involve farm implements in third-world countries with moderate to heavy political turmoil. By and by, I ask if he's aware of new bug which takes full-text indexed random e-mail databases and puts all references to furry handcuffs and Bambi Boomer in Marketing on the corporate Web page. Meeting is adjourned as he reaches for keyboard, Web browser, and Tums.
10:30 A.M. Tell Louie he's doing great job. Offer to show him mainframe corporate PBX system sometime.
11:00 A.M. Lunch.
4:55 P.M. Return from lunch.
5:00 P.M. Shift change; Going home.
Thursday --------
8:00 A.M. New guy ("Marvin") started today. "Nice plaids," I offer. Show him server room, wiring closet, and technical library. Set him up with IBM PC-XT. Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs the same in both monochrome and color.
8:45 A.M. New guy's PC finishes booting up. Tell him I'll create new ID for him. Set minimum password length to 64. Go grab smoke.
9:30 A.M. Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. "Nice plaids," Louie comments. Is this guy great or what?!
11:00 A.M. Beat Louie in dominos game. Louie leaves. Fish spare dominos out of sleeves ("Always have backups"). User calls, says Accounting server is down. Untie Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better reception) and plug back into hub. Tell user to try again. Another happy customer!
11:55 A.M. Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01 "Whereas a new employee beginning work on days ending in 'Y' shall enjoy all proper aspects with said corporation, said employee is obligated to provide sustenance and relief to senior technical analyst on shift." Marvin doubts. I point to "Corporate Policy" database (a fine piece of work, if I say so myself!).
"Remember, that's DOUBLE pepperoni and NO peppers!" I yell to Marvin as he steps over open floor tile to get to exit door.
1:00 P.M. Oooooh! Pizza makes me so sleepy...
4:30 P.M. Wake from refreshing nap. Catch Marvin scanning want ads.
5:00 P.M. Shift change. Flick HR's server off and on several times (just testing the On/Off button...). See ya tomorrow.
Friday ------
8:00 A.M. Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server. Told them it worked fine before I left.
9:00 A.M. Marvin still not here. Decide I might start answering these calls myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom.
9:02 A.M. Yep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can't replicate. Me and the Oiuji board determine it's sunspots. Tell them to call Telecommunications.
9:30 A.M. Good God, another user! They're like ants. Says he's in San Diego and can't replicate with Des Moines. Tell him it's sunspots, but with a two-hour difference. Suggest he reset the time on the server back two hours.
10:17 A.M. Pensacola calls. Says they can't route mail to San Diego. Tell them to set server ahead three hours.
11:00 A.M. E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the time on their servers. I change the date stamp and forward it to Milwaukee.
11:20 A.M. Finish @CoffeeMake macro. Put phone back on hook.
11:23 A.M. Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is.
11:25 A.M. Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit. "So hard to get good help..." I respond. Support manager says he has appointment with orthopedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I mind sitting in on the weekly department head meeting for him. "No problem!"
11:30 A.M. Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited to a meeting this afternoon. "Yeah, sure. You can bring your snuff," I tell him.
12:00 A.M. Lunch.
1:00 P.M. Start full backups on UNIX server. Route them to device NULL to make them fast.
1:03 P.M. Full weekly backups done. Man, I love modern technology!
2:30 P.M. Look in support manager's contact management database. Cancel 2:45 P.M. appointment for him. He really should be at home resting, you know.
2:39 P.M. New user calls. Says they want to learn how to create a connection document. Tell them to run connection document utility CTRL-ALT-DEL. Says PC rebooted. Tell them to call microsupport.
2:50 P.M. Support manager calls to say mixup at doctor's office means appointment cancelled. Says he's just going to go on home. Ask him if he's seen corporate Web page lately.
3:00 P.M. Another (novice) user calls. Says periodic macro not working. Suggest they place @DeleteDocument at end of formula. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.
4:00 P.M. Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white. Also set point size to "2" in help databases.
4:30 P.M. User calls to say they can't see anything in documents. Tell them to go to view, do a "Edit -- Select All", hit delete key, and then refresh. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.
4:45 P.M. Another user calls. Says they can't read help documents. Tell them I'll fix it. Hang up. Change font to Wingdings.
4:58 P.M. Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens. Not (too) much.
5:00 P.M. Night shift shows up. Tell them that the hub is acting funny and to have a good weekend.
8:05 A.M. User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me and hang up. God, we let the people vote and drive, too?
8:12 A.M. Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, "Well, it works for me." Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again. One more happy customer...
8:14 A.M. User from 805 call said they received error message "Error accessing Drive 0." Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to microsupport.
11:00 A.M. Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone back in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial closet down in basement. What is she thinking? The "Myst" and "Doom" nationals are this weekend!
11:34 A.M. Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL changed on HR performance review database so that nobody but HR can access database. Tell them no problem. Hang up. Change ACL. Add @MailSend so performance reviews are sent to */US.
12:00 P.M. Lunch
3:30 P.M. Return from lunch.
3:55 P.M. Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce servers for no reason.
Return to napping.
4:23 P.M. Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts on form. Ask them what chip set they're using. Tell them to call back when they find out.
4:55 P.M. Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro so next shift has something to do.
Tuesday -------
8:30 A.M. Finish reading support log from last night. Sounded busy. Terrible time with Save/Replication conflicts.
9:00 A.M. Support manager arrives. Wants to discuss my attitude. Click on PhoneNotes SmartIcon. "Love to, but kinda busy. Put something in the calendar database!" I yell as I grab for the support lines, which have (mysteriously) lit up. Walks away grumbling.
9:35 A.M. Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee. Tell them they need form J-19R=9C9\\DARR\K1. Say they never heard of such a form.
Tell them it's in the SPECIAL FORMS database. Say they never heard of such a database. Transfer them to janitorial closet in basement.
10:00 A.M. Perky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID. Tell her I need employee number, department name, manager name, and marital status. Run @DbLookup against state parole board database, Centers for Disease Control database, and my Oprah Winfrey database. No hits. Tell her ID will be ready tonight. Drawing from the lessons learned in last week's "Reengineering for Customer Partnership," I offer to personally deliver ID to her apartment.
10:07 A.M. Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in basement. Offer to train him on Notes. Begin now. Let him watch console while I grab a smoke.
1:00 P.M. Return from smoking break. Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he transferred them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy.
1:05 P.M. Big commotion! Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled floor tiles outside his office door. Stress to him importance of not running in computer room, even if I do yell "Omigod -- Fire!"
1:15 P.M. Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in form names. Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will fix it. Hang up and run global search/replace using gaks.
1:20 P.M. Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls. Says she keeps getting calls for "Notice Loads" or "NoLoad Goats," she's not sure, couldn't hear over industrial-grade blender. Tell her it was probably "Lettuce Nodes." Maybe the food distributor with a new product? She thinks about it and hangs up.
2:00 P.M. Legal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask her to check in her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter. Tell her it probably fell out of back of machine. Suggest she put duct tape over all the airvents she can find on the PC. Grudgingly offer to create new ID for her while she does that.
2:49 P.M. Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off rest of day.
Wednesday ---------
8:30 A.M. Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on form. Tell them Of course, they should have been checking "Bitset," not "chipset." Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up.
9:10 A.M. Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office. Schedules 10:00 A.M meeting with me. User calls and wants to talk to support manager about terrible help at support desk. Tell them manager about to go into meeting. Sometimes life hands you material...
10:00 A.M. Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me. Go to support manager's office. He says he can't dismiss me but can suggest several lateral career moves. Most involve farm implements in third-world countries with moderate to heavy political turmoil. By and by, I ask if he's aware of new bug which takes full-text indexed random e-mail databases and puts all references to furry handcuffs and Bambi Boomer in Marketing on the corporate Web page. Meeting is adjourned as he reaches for keyboard, Web browser, and Tums.
10:30 A.M. Tell Louie he's doing great job. Offer to show him mainframe corporate PBX system sometime.
11:00 A.M. Lunch.
4:55 P.M. Return from lunch.
5:00 P.M. Shift change; Going home.
Thursday --------
8:00 A.M. New guy ("Marvin") started today. "Nice plaids," I offer. Show him server room, wiring closet, and technical library. Set him up with IBM PC-XT. Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs the same in both monochrome and color.
8:45 A.M. New guy's PC finishes booting up. Tell him I'll create new ID for him. Set minimum password length to 64. Go grab smoke.
9:30 A.M. Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. "Nice plaids," Louie comments. Is this guy great or what?!
11:00 A.M. Beat Louie in dominos game. Louie leaves. Fish spare dominos out of sleeves ("Always have backups"). User calls, says Accounting server is down. Untie Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better reception) and plug back into hub. Tell user to try again. Another happy customer!
11:55 A.M. Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01 "Whereas a new employee beginning work on days ending in 'Y' shall enjoy all proper aspects with said corporation, said employee is obligated to provide sustenance and relief to senior technical analyst on shift." Marvin doubts. I point to "Corporate Policy" database (a fine piece of work, if I say so myself!).
"Remember, that's DOUBLE pepperoni and NO peppers!" I yell to Marvin as he steps over open floor tile to get to exit door.
1:00 P.M. Oooooh! Pizza makes me so sleepy...
4:30 P.M. Wake from refreshing nap. Catch Marvin scanning want ads.
5:00 P.M. Shift change. Flick HR's server off and on several times (just testing the On/Off button...). See ya tomorrow.
Friday ------
8:00 A.M. Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server. Told them it worked fine before I left.
9:00 A.M. Marvin still not here. Decide I might start answering these calls myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom.
9:02 A.M. Yep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can't replicate. Me and the Oiuji board determine it's sunspots. Tell them to call Telecommunications.
9:30 A.M. Good God, another user! They're like ants. Says he's in San Diego and can't replicate with Des Moines. Tell him it's sunspots, but with a two-hour difference. Suggest he reset the time on the server back two hours.
10:17 A.M. Pensacola calls. Says they can't route mail to San Diego. Tell them to set server ahead three hours.
11:00 A.M. E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the time on their servers. I change the date stamp and forward it to Milwaukee.
11:20 A.M. Finish @CoffeeMake macro. Put phone back on hook.
11:23 A.M. Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is.
11:25 A.M. Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit. "So hard to get good help..." I respond. Support manager says he has appointment with orthopedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I mind sitting in on the weekly department head meeting for him. "No problem!"
11:30 A.M. Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited to a meeting this afternoon. "Yeah, sure. You can bring your snuff," I tell him.
12:00 A.M. Lunch.
1:00 P.M. Start full backups on UNIX server. Route them to device NULL to make them fast.
1:03 P.M. Full weekly backups done. Man, I love modern technology!
2:30 P.M. Look in support manager's contact management database. Cancel 2:45 P.M. appointment for him. He really should be at home resting, you know.
2:39 P.M. New user calls. Says they want to learn how to create a connection document. Tell them to run connection document utility CTRL-ALT-DEL. Says PC rebooted. Tell them to call microsupport.
2:50 P.M. Support manager calls to say mixup at doctor's office means appointment cancelled. Says he's just going to go on home. Ask him if he's seen corporate Web page lately.
3:00 P.M. Another (novice) user calls. Says periodic macro not working. Suggest they place @DeleteDocument at end of formula. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.
4:00 P.M. Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white. Also set point size to "2" in help databases.
4:30 P.M. User calls to say they can't see anything in documents. Tell them to go to view, do a "Edit -- Select All", hit delete key, and then refresh. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.
4:45 P.M. Another user calls. Says they can't read help documents. Tell them I'll fix it. Hang up. Change font to Wingdings.
4:58 P.M. Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens. Not (too) much.
5:00 P.M. Night shift shows up. Tell them that the hub is acting funny and to have a good weekend.
Lost Tribe Discovered in Jungle
LOS ANGELES - A team of Japanese anthropologists recently discovered a lost
tribe of primitive accountants in the Indian Jungle. The anthropologists
were there searching for the ancient elephant kingdom of Babar when they
were attacked by a group of the accountants.
The tribesmen attempted to rob the anthropologists after beating them with
crude satchels. The Japanese scientists escaped financial ruin when their
leader, Sushi Haritosis, produced a pocket calculator. The primitive
tribesmen believed Haritosis to be a Special Accountant sent from below and
they proceeded to worship him.
The anthropologists were taken to the tribe's village which consisted of
several straw structures resembling townhouse condominiums and a crude high
rise hut that served as their temple. The Japanese scientists were
delighted to find this unknown tribe and stayed at the village for two
weeks to observe the tribe's customs and daily rituals.
Each morning, the men of the tribe would don a strip of cloth tied around
their necks and, carrying a crude satchel made from animal hide, congregate
at the high rise temple. The primitive accountants, who worship gold, sit
around a large table and babble for several hours while eating a hard
circular biscuit resembling a doughnut and drinking a brown bitter tasting
beverage.
Every afternoon, the men pull out bags of gold from a pit guarded by wild
hogs. Each day the tribesmen count the pieces of gold, record the number
on the dried leaves they carry in their satchels, and then compare the
figure with the number they had recorded the previous day.
The women of the tribe wore blond wigs and jewelry made from large pieces
of quartz. They spent most of the day gathering, cleaning, and
complaining. Despite the tribes outwardly orderly and routine lives, its
members often engaged in bizarre and destructive behavior. The Japanese
anthropologists were not surprised when it was discovered that the
tribesmen often ate their own offspring.
The leaders of the tribe were chosen on the basis of who was the most
obnoxious, overbearing, and greedy. The most obnoxious men were paired
with the females who collected the largest pieces of quartz, wove the
largest blond wigs, and complained the most. These women wore extremely
excessive amounts of makeup, while the other women of the tribe wore only
moderately excessive amounts of makeup.
The leader of the tribe, Burntstem (apparently named after the crude
pencils made from the burnt stem of the tobacco plant and used in their
accounting rituals), and his wife, Myna, rode around the village in an
ornate cart pulled by wild pigs. They were the only ones who owned such a
cart and the other members of the tribe considered it to be a great honor
to be given a ride in the cart.
The tribesmen honored the anthropologists with a feast of salted fish and
sweet grape wine at the end of their stay. Sushi Haritosis presented
Burntstem with his prized pocket calculator, and Burntstem gave the
Japanese scientists a bag of gold. When the anthropologists returned to
Los Angeles, precious metals experts at Big Ed's Wayside Flea Market
determined that the gold was actually pyrite.
LOS ANGELES - A team of Japanese anthropologists recently discovered a lost
tribe of primitive accountants in the Indian Jungle. The anthropologists
were there searching for the ancient elephant kingdom of Babar when they
were attacked by a group of the accountants.
The tribesmen attempted to rob the anthropologists after beating them with
crude satchels. The Japanese scientists escaped financial ruin when their
leader, Sushi Haritosis, produced a pocket calculator. The primitive
tribesmen believed Haritosis to be a Special Accountant sent from below and
they proceeded to worship him.
The anthropologists were taken to the tribe's village which consisted of
several straw structures resembling townhouse condominiums and a crude high
rise hut that served as their temple. The Japanese scientists were
delighted to find this unknown tribe and stayed at the village for two
weeks to observe the tribe's customs and daily rituals.
Each morning, the men of the tribe would don a strip of cloth tied around
their necks and, carrying a crude satchel made from animal hide, congregate
at the high rise temple. The primitive accountants, who worship gold, sit
around a large table and babble for several hours while eating a hard
circular biscuit resembling a doughnut and drinking a brown bitter tasting
beverage.
Every afternoon, the men pull out bags of gold from a pit guarded by wild
hogs. Each day the tribesmen count the pieces of gold, record the number
on the dried leaves they carry in their satchels, and then compare the
figure with the number they had recorded the previous day.
The women of the tribe wore blond wigs and jewelry made from large pieces
of quartz. They spent most of the day gathering, cleaning, and
complaining. Despite the tribes outwardly orderly and routine lives, its
members often engaged in bizarre and destructive behavior. The Japanese
anthropologists were not surprised when it was discovered that the
tribesmen often ate their own offspring.
The leaders of the tribe were chosen on the basis of who was the most
obnoxious, overbearing, and greedy. The most obnoxious men were paired
with the females who collected the largest pieces of quartz, wove the
largest blond wigs, and complained the most. These women wore extremely
excessive amounts of makeup, while the other women of the tribe wore only
moderately excessive amounts of makeup.
The leader of the tribe, Burntstem (apparently named after the crude
pencils made from the burnt stem of the tobacco plant and used in their
accounting rituals), and his wife, Myna, rode around the village in an
ornate cart pulled by wild pigs. They were the only ones who owned such a
cart and the other members of the tribe considered it to be a great honor
to be given a ride in the cart.
The tribesmen honored the anthropologists with a feast of salted fish and
sweet grape wine at the end of their stay. Sushi Haritosis presented
Burntstem with his prized pocket calculator, and Burntstem gave the
Japanese scientists a bag of gold. When the anthropologists returned to
Los Angeles, precious metals experts at Big Ed's Wayside Flea Market
determined that the gold was actually pyrite.
Administratum
Physicists at Harwell have discovered the heaviest element
known to science, named Administratum. The new element has no
protons or electrons, and has an atomic number of zero.
However, it does have one neutron, eight assistant neutrons,
ten executive neutrons, 35 vice neutrons and 258 assistant
vice neutrons.
Administratum has an atomic mass of 311=, since the neutron
is only detectable half of the time. Its 312 particles are
held together by a force which involves the continuous
exchange of meson-like particles, called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratum is completely inert.
Nevertheless, its presence can be detected because it impedes
every reaction with which it comes into contact. One
experiment, which should have lasted only a few days, is
still running after 2= years due to the addition of just one
milligramme of Administratum.
It is weakly active, and has a normal half-life of
approximately six months. After this time, it does not
actually decay, but undergoes a metamorphosis in which
assistant neutrons, executive neutrons, vice neutrons and
assistant vice neutrons exchange places. This almost
invariably leads to an increase in atomic weight, hence it is
self-sustaining.
Although it occurs widely, Administratum tends to concentrate
around large corporations, research laboratories and
government departments. It can especially be found in
recently re-organised sites, and there is reason to believe
that it is heavily involved in the processes of deforestation
and global warming.
It should be remembered that Administratum is known to be
toxic at all concentrations, and can easily destroy any
productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate.
Numerous attempts have been made to determine how
Administratum can be controlled to prevent irreversible
damage, but results to date are not promising.
Physicists at Harwell have discovered the heaviest element
known to science, named Administratum. The new element has no
protons or electrons, and has an atomic number of zero.
However, it does have one neutron, eight assistant neutrons,
ten executive neutrons, 35 vice neutrons and 258 assistant
vice neutrons.
Administratum has an atomic mass of 311=, since the neutron
is only detectable half of the time. Its 312 particles are
held together by a force which involves the continuous
exchange of meson-like particles, called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratum is completely inert.
Nevertheless, its presence can be detected because it impedes
every reaction with which it comes into contact. One
experiment, which should have lasted only a few days, is
still running after 2= years due to the addition of just one
milligramme of Administratum.
It is weakly active, and has a normal half-life of
approximately six months. After this time, it does not
actually decay, but undergoes a metamorphosis in which
assistant neutrons, executive neutrons, vice neutrons and
assistant vice neutrons exchange places. This almost
invariably leads to an increase in atomic weight, hence it is
self-sustaining.
Although it occurs widely, Administratum tends to concentrate
around large corporations, research laboratories and
government departments. It can especially be found in
recently re-organised sites, and there is reason to believe
that it is heavily involved in the processes of deforestation
and global warming.
It should be remembered that Administratum is known to be
toxic at all concentrations, and can easily destroy any
productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate.
Numerous attempts have been made to determine how
Administratum can be controlled to prevent irreversible
damage, but results to date are not promising.
Are You Qualified to be a Professional?
The following small quiz consists of 4 questions, it tells whether you are
qualified to be a professional. According to statistics of Andersen
Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals failed the exam. Scroll down
for the answers. The questions are not that difficult.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and
close the door. This question tests whether you are doing simple
things in a complicated way.
The following small quiz consists of 4 questions, it tells whether you are
qualified to be a professional. According to statistics of Andersen
Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals failed the exam. Scroll down
for the answers. The questions are not that difficult.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and
close the door. This question tests whether you are doing simple
things in a complicated way.
Memorandum
To: All Seminar Leaders
From: Office
Subject: Business Travel Policy Guidelines
Please be advised of the following changes to the travel policy guidelines...
Due to fiscal constraints, the following corporate policies are announced
regarding Seminar Leaders on travel for official business. The purpose
of these policies is to save money, thereby decreasing overhead.
Transportation
--------------
If commercial transportation must be utilized, the lowest cost tickets
will be purchased. Airline tickets will only be authorized for purchase in
extreme circumstances and, the lowest fares will be used. If, for example,
a seminar is scheduled in Seattle, but a lower fare can be obtained by
traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel
to Seattle.
Bus transportation will be utilized whenever possible.
Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transport is strictly encouraged.
Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all Seminar Leaders prior
to their departure on company business trips.
Lodging
-------
All Seminar Leaders are encouraged to stay with relatives or friends
while conducting seminars. If this is not possible, then cost-effective
alternatives should be exploited.
Public areas such as parks and parking lots can be used during periods of good weather. In inclement weather, bridges may provide temporary
shelter.
Meals
-----
Expenditures for meals will be limited to the absolute minimum. It
should be noted that certain grocery chains, such as "General Nutrition
Centers," and "Piggly Wiggly" stores often provide free samples of promotional
items. Entire meals can often be obtained in this manner.
Leaders should also become familiar with, and exploit the use of
indigenous roots, berries and any other protein sources available at their
destination(s). If restaurants must be utilized, Leaders should seek
establishments offering "all you can eat" salad bars. This will be
especially valuable to Seminar Leaders during group lunches, as a single
plate can be used to feed one clever group.
Seminar Leaders are also encouraged to bring their own food while on
the road conducting seminars. Cans of tuna fish, Spam and Beef-a-Roni can
be conveniently consumed at your leisure, without the unnecessary bother of
heating or other costly preparation.
Entertainment
-------------
Entertainment while on the road is discouraged. If such extravagances
are required for business reasons, the customer should be encouraged to
"pick up the tab." Such actions will save the company money and also
convince the customer that we are concerned about "spending his money on
providing a good product for him," not on useless overhead frivolities which
can drive up our prices.
Hospitality provided to our customers at our facility shall be tasteful,
yet cost-effective. In lieu of frivolous dinners, a picnic bench will be
placed in the parking lot complete with garden hose for liquid refreshments.
Miscellaneous
-------------
All Seminar Leaders are encouraged to employ innovative techniques in
our common effort to save corporate dollars. One enterprising individual has
already suggested that money could be raised during airport "layover" periods
which could be used to defray travel costs. In support of this idea, red
caps will be issued to all Seminar Leaders prior to departure so that they
may earn tips for helping other travellers with their luggage during such
periods. Small plastic roses will also be made available to Seminar Leaders
so that sales may be made as time permits.
Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son
Jack: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : "I will choose my own bride".
Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case..."
Next Jack approaches Bill Gates
Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates : "But my daughter is too young to marry."
Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates : "Ah, in that case..."
Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President : "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need."
Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President : "Ah, in that case....."
This is how business is done!!
A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires
a new CEO. He immediately declares his intention to
rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a man
leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and
he wants to let them know he means business.
The CEO walks up to the man and asks: "And how much
money do you make in a week?" The young man calmly
replies: "I make $200 a week. Why?"
The CEO hands the man $200 in cash and screams:
"Here's a week's pay. Now get out and don't come
back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO
looks around the room and asks: "Does anyone want to
tell me what that slacker did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers
mutters: "He's the delivery guy from Pizza Hut."
How bad a mistake can you make on your CV? Here are some real-life examples:
"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
"Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
"Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
"I am a rabid typist."
"Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."
"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."
"Proven ability to track down and correct erors."
"Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."
"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."
"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."
"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."
"Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteroology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate--especially when the task is unpleasant."
"I am loyal to my employer at all costs ..Please feel free to resond to my resume on my office voicemanil."
"Qualifications: No education or experience."
"Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
"Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
"Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"
"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
"Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
"Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
"I am a rabid typist."
"Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."
"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."
"Proven ability to track down and correct erors."
"Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."
"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."
"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."
"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."
"Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteroology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate--especially when the task is unpleasant."
"I am loyal to my employer at all costs ..Please feel free to resond to my resume on my office voicemanil."
"Qualifications: No education or experience."
"Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
"Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
"Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"
Career in Law Enforcement
A salesman decided to become a policeman. Several months
later, a friend asked him how he liked his new job.
"Well," he replied, "the pay isn't great and the hours
are long, but one thing I really like, is that the customer
is always wrong."
A salesman decided to become a policeman. Several months
later, a friend asked him how he liked his new job.
"Well," he replied, "the pay isn't great and the hours
are long, but one thing I really like, is that the customer
is always wrong."
Casual Day Memos
Memo No. 1:
Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that
employees may express their diversity.
Memo No. 2:
Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day.
Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.
Memo No. 3:
Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe,
remember image is a key to our success.
Memo No. 4:
A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the
cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory.
Memo No. 5:
As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been
appointed to prepare guidelines for proper dress.
Memo No. 6:
The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of "Relaxing
Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards" has been mailed to each employee.
Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual"
versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you
have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF
representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.
Memo No. 7:
Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective
immediately.
Memo No. 1:
Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that
employees may express their diversity.
Memo No. 2:
Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day.
Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.
Memo No. 3:
Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe,
remember image is a key to our success.
Memo No. 4:
A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the
cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory.
Memo No. 5:
As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been
appointed to prepare guidelines for proper dress.
Memo No. 6:
The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of "Relaxing
Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards" has been mailed to each employee.
Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual"
versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you
have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF
representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.
Memo No. 7:
Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective
immediately.
Commuting for Beginners
In this hurly-burly world of Inter-City travel, there are few things
that warm a worker's heart more than the prospect of commuting. It is a
safe bet to place that at some time during your working lives, you will all
have to commute (in fact, the mathematicians amongst you will have been
doing this already for some time).
Commuting in its very simplest essence is a journey from home to work,
and back again. This simple description, however, does not convey the full
joy that can be had from commuting. A typical enjoyable commuting day (and
it can take a whole day just to commute) may begin as follows:
6.30am Wake up. Actually, this is totally wrong, because at that time,
you're not capable of waking up. What a pity somebody didn't tell your
alarm clock this! All that you are physically capable of doing is hitting
the snooze button.
7.05am This is the time when you typically find that it wasn't the snooze
button that you hit, but that tiny little switch that turns the alarm
mechanism off. Well, I say this is the time that you find it, but in fact
it's just the time that your alarm clock tells you. What you find out when
you switch the radio on, is that there was a power cut for half an hour,
and the time is now
7.30am The time in the morning when the bed-clothes ricochet off one wall
of the room, and lie crumpled in a heap daring you to waste enough time to
make the bed before you go out. Also the time when you discover you don't
have enough co-ordination to open your bedroom door, nor can you remember
whether said door pushes or pulls. Immediately you work this out, it is
7.40am Having spent ten minutes trying to wrestle the door back onto its
hinges, you achieve terminal velocity trying to come to terms with stairs.
Quite probably you would have broken your neck, if the ground hadn't broken
your fall. You lie dazed and stunned outside the shower, next to the
toilet. It is at this time that you make the first decision of your
working day - which to enter first. You know that should you enter the
shower first, you will spend most of your time knotting your legs as the
running water cascades off your body, already full of liquid from the night
before. So, you choose the loo. Again, this is a bad move, as you
discover when it's
7.45am You enter the shower, set it to the required temperature.
Immediately you turn the water on, scalding hot needles pierce the thin
fabric of your skin. Obviously you have set the shower too hot. It is now
time to play the thermodynamic equilibrium game. Can you balance the
hot/cold settings of the shower, playing against the combined enemies of
the cistern refilling, the dishwasher hot-rinsing, and the kettle being
filled? Bear in mind also that the water takes some eight to ten seconds
to register the changes you have made at the taps. It is like trying to
juggle three red hot pokers with both hands tied behind your back, and your
jaws wired together. Finally, after your refreshing shower, it's
7.55am and time for that most invigorating of activities - the early
morning shave. Firstly, don't give in to that temptation to shave your
tongue - it may feel as though it's covered in more dense fur than the
whole of David Bellamy, but just wait till you clean your teeth! (when
it'll feel as though your tongue is a cross between King Kong and a
Wrigley's chewing gum factory). Having decided that it's the external part
of the face you're going to shave, you choose your weapon. Five minutes
later, staggering from loss of blood, a female voice comes through the door
asking if it was alright to use your last razor the previous night. And
finally, the after-shave. Breathe in, grit your teeth, and throw a quarter
of the bottle in the vague direction of your chin. Done? Good, now let go
of the light fitting, and exit the bathroom.
8.10am And you finally realise that you're going to be far too late for
the train. Unless you miss breakfast. But your stomach and brain haven't
got this one sorted out yet. You try for the compromise, and it is five
minutes later that we find you sat on the bus, looking for all the world
like an advert for Kellogg's Corn Pops.
8.20am Says the platform clock, although the trains seem to be
disagreeing. A voice comes over the tannoy, and the clarity amazes you -
you can hear every word the announcer says. Hear, yes - understand, no.
What it sounds like he is saying is "The train now stoning at platten fumf
is for Lun Woo. Caw at Beran, Renpa, Newman, Women, Early, Clam Jun, Vall,
and Lun Walloon.", and all spoken with clarity of a Dalek sucking a throat
pastille. This announcement would be fine and dandy if it weren't for the
computerised tannoy man immediately following this announcement. According
to him, "The train now at platform one is for London Waterloo only. We
apologise for the delay which was caused by a squirrel waving to the driver
just outside Hampton Court." Even the excuses are randomised by British
Rail's computers nowadays.
As the train pulls up to the platform, it's time for the first two
favourite commuting games!
1) Is it my train?
Tricky one this - the best way of finding out is to play logic games
with the guard, along the lines of "If I asked the other guard, would he
say this was the train I don't want to get on?" However, the only
blue-suited demons around are up the other end of the track, trying to stop
some old lady from feeding the trains with breadcrumbs. Seasoned commuters
at this point look around them to see the reaction of everyone else. If
you see someone moving that you think you recognise, but can never remember
being introduced to them, it's probably because they catch the same train
as you. Follow them.
2) Where will my carriage stop?
Well, that all depends on what type of train it is, how good the
driver's reactions are, whether he's passed his cycling proficiency test or
not, and how shocked he was by the squirrel outside Hampton Court. Suffice
it to say that what stops opposite you will be one of the following three
things:
a) the guard's van. The guard values his privacy and is unlikely to
let you on.
b) the first class compartment. Unless you own your own company (and
preferably British Rail at that), you can forget being allowed in here. It
has stricter entry requirements than Eton - you have to put your name down
for a seat before you're conceived, and you have to do that in person.
c) the smoking compartment. 'Nuff said.
So, it's that old favourite, running up the track to find the only
non-smoking compartment with a seat in it, only to find that it's covered
in some clean, bright, new chewing gum. It is at this point that fun
enters into the entire proceedings, as we play the third game.
3) Stare 'em out.
This game has its roots in primitive psychology, and is designed to
put you completely at ease, while the rest of the compartment decide that
you're some kind of dangerous lunatic.
Choose a person at random - preferably a very attractive member of the
opposite sex, as it makes what you're about to do so much easier. Now
stare at them. After a very short while indeed, you will find them trying
to sneak surreptitious glances at you to check whether you're still
watching them. Each time they look up at you, smile at them as though
you've just noticed that they have a traffic cone on their head, but you're
being too polite to mention it. If you ever wanted to know what a person
with accute paranoia looks like, just keep watching.
Finally, before you know it, you're making an unscheduled stop.
Sirens are blaring, and somebody somewhere is frantically thumping on a
door. This doesn't mean anyone wants to get out - these are the guys with
the stretcher who want to get in. Unfortunately, the man with the
heart-attack is in first-class, who aren't going to let the ambulance men
in until they can be taught to say please properly.
Eventually, you arrive at Lun Walloon, and you start to play the
fourth game, commonly known as
4) Running the gauntlet.
As you exit the platform, various people in different costumes walk
straight towards you. The less well equipped are simply holding their
hands out and asking for the price of a cup of meths. Those who have been
in this game for several years are wearing a 'Save the Atlantic Anteater
from the Ozone Hole and Melanoma Campaign' sweatshirt, are large enough
that the print on the sweatshirt is readable, and shake their dreaded
receptacles in your face. Reluctantly you realise that you are cornered,
and you reach for your money. Along with your handkerchief, you pull out
half the Brazilian national debt, which seems to fall straight for the open
mouth of the plastic anteater the woman is carrying, and you have lost a
large proportion of your overdraft.
Finally feeling that you have done some good for the other oppressed
animals of the world, you pass down into the bowels of the earth, ready for
the magical mystery tour of some of London's oldest sewers - the
Underground.
The new ticket barriers are wonderful devices, designed to take a
piece of card imprinted with a magnetic strip, and to shred it into a
million and one brightly coloured little pieces, while shrieking violently
and persuading you to seek assistance. You persuade the blue-suited goon
that the confetti floating down the escalators cost you two hundred pounds,
and would normally accompany the photograph that makes you out to be some
kind of alien road accident.
At last you hit the down escalator. It is at this point that the full
horror of what you drank the previous night hits you - you realise what
Maurits Escher felt when he etched those woodcuts of stairs in all feasible
directions. Your mind tells you that you're standing upright, and
travelling downwards, but the liquid still sloshing around the inside of
your head convinces you that you are lying backwards (despite gravity to
the contrary), and that the escalator is travelling at right angles to
reality. Just before you fall over, the escalator reaches the bottom, and
the grills that prevent you from rolling back round with the steps lacerate
the toe of each shoe.
Once again we play the merry little game of "Where are the doors going
to stop", only on a much smaller scale, since there are no guards, no
first-class, and no smoking. This should make the tube a more hospitable
place, but instead you have to try and find the only compartment without a
seven foot-tall psychedelic gorilla with a walkman at full volume.
Finally seated, the doors close, and another crystal clear
announcement rings through the train. "Due to industrial action by the man
that spreads the fag-ends around the station, this train will not be
stopping at your station. Repeat, this train will not be stopping at your
station. Thank you." Thank you for what, that's what I'd like to know.
The train pulls out, and as you approach your station the train begins to
slow down. This is of little surprise to you, since it is you and a select
band of people who also want to get off here that have hijacked the train.
Your ticket is inspected, the lifts don't work, and you have to climb
one hundred and seventeen dangerously narrow steps, and the one thought
that keeps you going is this:
"Only another eight hours till I have to go the other way."
In this hurly-burly world of Inter-City travel, there are few things
that warm a worker's heart more than the prospect of commuting. It is a
safe bet to place that at some time during your working lives, you will all
have to commute (in fact, the mathematicians amongst you will have been
doing this already for some time).
Commuting in its very simplest essence is a journey from home to work,
and back again. This simple description, however, does not convey the full
joy that can be had from commuting. A typical enjoyable commuting day (and
it can take a whole day just to commute) may begin as follows:
6.30am Wake up. Actually, this is totally wrong, because at that time,
you're not capable of waking up. What a pity somebody didn't tell your
alarm clock this! All that you are physically capable of doing is hitting
the snooze button.
7.05am This is the time when you typically find that it wasn't the snooze
button that you hit, but that tiny little switch that turns the alarm
mechanism off. Well, I say this is the time that you find it, but in fact
it's just the time that your alarm clock tells you. What you find out when
you switch the radio on, is that there was a power cut for half an hour,
and the time is now
7.30am The time in the morning when the bed-clothes ricochet off one wall
of the room, and lie crumpled in a heap daring you to waste enough time to
make the bed before you go out. Also the time when you discover you don't
have enough co-ordination to open your bedroom door, nor can you remember
whether said door pushes or pulls. Immediately you work this out, it is
7.40am Having spent ten minutes trying to wrestle the door back onto its
hinges, you achieve terminal velocity trying to come to terms with stairs.
Quite probably you would have broken your neck, if the ground hadn't broken
your fall. You lie dazed and stunned outside the shower, next to the
toilet. It is at this time that you make the first decision of your
working day - which to enter first. You know that should you enter the
shower first, you will spend most of your time knotting your legs as the
running water cascades off your body, already full of liquid from the night
before. So, you choose the loo. Again, this is a bad move, as you
discover when it's
7.45am You enter the shower, set it to the required temperature.
Immediately you turn the water on, scalding hot needles pierce the thin
fabric of your skin. Obviously you have set the shower too hot. It is now
time to play the thermodynamic equilibrium game. Can you balance the
hot/cold settings of the shower, playing against the combined enemies of
the cistern refilling, the dishwasher hot-rinsing, and the kettle being
filled? Bear in mind also that the water takes some eight to ten seconds
to register the changes you have made at the taps. It is like trying to
juggle three red hot pokers with both hands tied behind your back, and your
jaws wired together. Finally, after your refreshing shower, it's
7.55am and time for that most invigorating of activities - the early
morning shave. Firstly, don't give in to that temptation to shave your
tongue - it may feel as though it's covered in more dense fur than the
whole of David Bellamy, but just wait till you clean your teeth! (when
it'll feel as though your tongue is a cross between King Kong and a
Wrigley's chewing gum factory). Having decided that it's the external part
of the face you're going to shave, you choose your weapon. Five minutes
later, staggering from loss of blood, a female voice comes through the door
asking if it was alright to use your last razor the previous night. And
finally, the after-shave. Breathe in, grit your teeth, and throw a quarter
of the bottle in the vague direction of your chin. Done? Good, now let go
of the light fitting, and exit the bathroom.
8.10am And you finally realise that you're going to be far too late for
the train. Unless you miss breakfast. But your stomach and brain haven't
got this one sorted out yet. You try for the compromise, and it is five
minutes later that we find you sat on the bus, looking for all the world
like an advert for Kellogg's Corn Pops.
8.20am Says the platform clock, although the trains seem to be
disagreeing. A voice comes over the tannoy, and the clarity amazes you -
you can hear every word the announcer says. Hear, yes - understand, no.
What it sounds like he is saying is "The train now stoning at platten fumf
is for Lun Woo. Caw at Beran, Renpa, Newman, Women, Early, Clam Jun, Vall,
and Lun Walloon.", and all spoken with clarity of a Dalek sucking a throat
pastille. This announcement would be fine and dandy if it weren't for the
computerised tannoy man immediately following this announcement. According
to him, "The train now at platform one is for London Waterloo only. We
apologise for the delay which was caused by a squirrel waving to the driver
just outside Hampton Court." Even the excuses are randomised by British
Rail's computers nowadays.
As the train pulls up to the platform, it's time for the first two
favourite commuting games!
1) Is it my train?
Tricky one this - the best way of finding out is to play logic games
with the guard, along the lines of "If I asked the other guard, would he
say this was the train I don't want to get on?" However, the only
blue-suited demons around are up the other end of the track, trying to stop
some old lady from feeding the trains with breadcrumbs. Seasoned commuters
at this point look around them to see the reaction of everyone else. If
you see someone moving that you think you recognise, but can never remember
being introduced to them, it's probably because they catch the same train
as you. Follow them.
2) Where will my carriage stop?
Well, that all depends on what type of train it is, how good the
driver's reactions are, whether he's passed his cycling proficiency test or
not, and how shocked he was by the squirrel outside Hampton Court. Suffice
it to say that what stops opposite you will be one of the following three
things:
a) the guard's van. The guard values his privacy and is unlikely to
let you on.
b) the first class compartment. Unless you own your own company (and
preferably British Rail at that), you can forget being allowed in here. It
has stricter entry requirements than Eton - you have to put your name down
for a seat before you're conceived, and you have to do that in person.
c) the smoking compartment. 'Nuff said.
So, it's that old favourite, running up the track to find the only
non-smoking compartment with a seat in it, only to find that it's covered
in some clean, bright, new chewing gum. It is at this point that fun
enters into the entire proceedings, as we play the third game.
3) Stare 'em out.
This game has its roots in primitive psychology, and is designed to
put you completely at ease, while the rest of the compartment decide that
you're some kind of dangerous lunatic.
Choose a person at random - preferably a very attractive member of the
opposite sex, as it makes what you're about to do so much easier. Now
stare at them. After a very short while indeed, you will find them trying
to sneak surreptitious glances at you to check whether you're still
watching them. Each time they look up at you, smile at them as though
you've just noticed that they have a traffic cone on their head, but you're
being too polite to mention it. If you ever wanted to know what a person
with accute paranoia looks like, just keep watching.
Finally, before you know it, you're making an unscheduled stop.
Sirens are blaring, and somebody somewhere is frantically thumping on a
door. This doesn't mean anyone wants to get out - these are the guys with
the stretcher who want to get in. Unfortunately, the man with the
heart-attack is in first-class, who aren't going to let the ambulance men
in until they can be taught to say please properly.
Eventually, you arrive at Lun Walloon, and you start to play the
fourth game, commonly known as
4) Running the gauntlet.
As you exit the platform, various people in different costumes walk
straight towards you. The less well equipped are simply holding their
hands out and asking for the price of a cup of meths. Those who have been
in this game for several years are wearing a 'Save the Atlantic Anteater
from the Ozone Hole and Melanoma Campaign' sweatshirt, are large enough
that the print on the sweatshirt is readable, and shake their dreaded
receptacles in your face. Reluctantly you realise that you are cornered,
and you reach for your money. Along with your handkerchief, you pull out
half the Brazilian national debt, which seems to fall straight for the open
mouth of the plastic anteater the woman is carrying, and you have lost a
large proportion of your overdraft.
Finally feeling that you have done some good for the other oppressed
animals of the world, you pass down into the bowels of the earth, ready for
the magical mystery tour of some of London's oldest sewers - the
Underground.
The new ticket barriers are wonderful devices, designed to take a
piece of card imprinted with a magnetic strip, and to shred it into a
million and one brightly coloured little pieces, while shrieking violently
and persuading you to seek assistance. You persuade the blue-suited goon
that the confetti floating down the escalators cost you two hundred pounds,
and would normally accompany the photograph that makes you out to be some
kind of alien road accident.
At last you hit the down escalator. It is at this point that the full
horror of what you drank the previous night hits you - you realise what
Maurits Escher felt when he etched those woodcuts of stairs in all feasible
directions. Your mind tells you that you're standing upright, and
travelling downwards, but the liquid still sloshing around the inside of
your head convinces you that you are lying backwards (despite gravity to
the contrary), and that the escalator is travelling at right angles to
reality. Just before you fall over, the escalator reaches the bottom, and
the grills that prevent you from rolling back round with the steps lacerate
the toe of each shoe.
Once again we play the merry little game of "Where are the doors going
to stop", only on a much smaller scale, since there are no guards, no
first-class, and no smoking. This should make the tube a more hospitable
place, but instead you have to try and find the only compartment without a
seven foot-tall psychedelic gorilla with a walkman at full volume.
Finally seated, the doors close, and another crystal clear
announcement rings through the train. "Due to industrial action by the man
that spreads the fag-ends around the station, this train will not be
stopping at your station. Repeat, this train will not be stopping at your
station. Thank you." Thank you for what, that's what I'd like to know.
The train pulls out, and as you approach your station the train begins to
slow down. This is of little surprise to you, since it is you and a select
band of people who also want to get off here that have hijacked the train.
Your ticket is inspected, the lifts don't work, and you have to climb
one hundred and seventeen dangerously narrow steps, and the one thought
that keeps you going is this:
"Only another eight hours till I have to go the other way."
Put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room
is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging
from a hook on the ceiling. Each time a monkey tries
to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with
ice water, which makes them miserable.
Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the
ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be
sprayed, set upon him and beat him up.Soon, none of
the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder.
One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new
monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the
ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are
doing the obvious, but, undaunted, he immediately
begins to climb the ladder. All the other monkeys fall
upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why.
However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.
A second original monkey is removed and replaced. The
newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all
the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him. This
includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that
he's not on the receiving end this time, participates
in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing
it. However, he has no idea why he's attacking the new
monkey.
One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced.
Eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them
have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them
attempt to climb the ladder. All of them will
enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries,
without having any idea why.
"AND THAT'S HOW ANY COMPANY'S POLICIES GET
ESTABLISHED".
is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging
from a hook on the ceiling. Each time a monkey tries
to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with
ice water, which makes them miserable.
Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the
ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be
sprayed, set upon him and beat him up.Soon, none of
the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder.
One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new
monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the
ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are
doing the obvious, but, undaunted, he immediately
begins to climb the ladder. All the other monkeys fall
upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why.
However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.
A second original monkey is removed and replaced. The
newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all
the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him. This
includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that
he's not on the receiving end this time, participates
in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing
it. However, he has no idea why he's attacking the new
monkey.
One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced.
Eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them
have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them
attempt to climb the ladder. All of them will
enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries,
without having any idea why.
"AND THAT'S HOW ANY COMPANY'S POLICIES GET
ESTABLISHED".
Don't marry a computer engineer/computer expert
because this may happen.....
Husband: (Returning late from work) "Good Evening dear....I'm now logged in."
Wife: Have you brought the groceries?
Husband: Bad command or filename.
Wife: But I told you in the morning
Husband: SynSyntax Error. Abort?
Wife: What about my new TV?
Husband: Variable not found . . .
Wife: At least, give me your Credit Card; I want to do some shopping.
Husband: Sharing Violation. Access denied
Wife: Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?
Husband: Too many parameters . . .
Wife: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband: Data type mismatch.
Wife: You are useless.
Husband: It's by Default.
Wife: What about you're Salary?
Husband: File in us
because this may happen.....
Husband: (Returning late from work) "Good Evening dear....I'm now logged in."
Wife: Have you brought the groceries?
Husband: Bad command or filename.
Wife: But I told you in the morning
Husband: SynSyntax Error. Abort?
Wife: What about my new TV?
Husband: Variable not found . . .
Wife: At least, give me your Credit Card; I want to do some shopping.
Husband: Sharing Violation. Access denied
Wife: Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?
Husband: Too many parameters . . .
Wife: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband: Data type mismatch.
Wife: You are useless.
Husband: It's by Default.
Wife: What about you're Salary?
Husband: File in us
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture in Idaho when
suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver,
a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL
tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you
exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me
one?"
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where
he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on
his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that
scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then
opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an
image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he
receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been
processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database
through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex
formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry
and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints
out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP
LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says, "You
have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the
shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and
looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his
car.
Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you
exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why
not?"
"You're a consultant," says the shepherd.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess
that?"
"No guessing required," answered the shepherd. "You showed up here
even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I
already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know crap
about my business...."
" ... Now give me back my dog."
Corporate Astrology
Astrology tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday.
The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us
what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you
watch on television.
Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job
title, people will have you all figured out...
MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree
to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking
and socializing--which is pretty much what your job responsibilities
are now. Least compatible with Sales.
SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a
degree," you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls
you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with
"customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek
admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are
instead content to completely control everything that happens at your
workplace. Often even you don't understand what you are saying, but
who the hell can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the
Earth.
ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it
is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by
engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically
full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know
what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"...
ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly
immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the
organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the
majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.
HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential
information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the
organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than
marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have
to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter!
MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/"TEAM LEADS": Catty,
cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at
your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single
decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you
can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle
Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."
SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you
are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life.
Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the
number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry
other "Senior Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a
"Senior Manager."
CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab
ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your
parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could
pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for
promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.
CONSULTANT: 666.
Astrology tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday.
The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us
what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you
watch on television.
Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job
title, people will have you all figured out...
MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree
to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking
and socializing--which is pretty much what your job responsibilities
are now. Least compatible with Sales.
SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a
degree," you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls
you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with
"customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek
admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are
instead content to completely control everything that happens at your
workplace. Often even you don't understand what you are saying, but
who the hell can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the
Earth.
ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it
is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by
engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically
full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know
what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"...
ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly
immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the
organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the
majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.
HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential
information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the
organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than
marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have
to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter!
MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/"TEAM LEADS": Catty,
cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at
your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single
decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you
can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle
Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."
SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you
are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life.
Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the
number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry
other "Senior Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a
"Senior Manager."
CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab
ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your
parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could
pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for
promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.
CONSULTANT: 666.
Corporate Envelope Solution
A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech
corporation.
The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him
with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a
problem you don't think you can solve," he said
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales
took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his
wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took
out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at
the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press and
Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the
problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in
sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his
previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The
message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly
rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again
fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door
and opened the third envelope.
The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."
A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech
corporation.
The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him
with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a
problem you don't think you can solve," he said
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales
took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his
wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took
out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at
the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press and
Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the
problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in
sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his
previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The
message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly
rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again
fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door
and opened the third envelope.
The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."
Corporate lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing
up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of
arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the
wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs
downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next
door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says,"I'll give
you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands
naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800
dollars and leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps
back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back
to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great," the
husband says, "did he say anything aboutthe 800 dollars he
owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining
to credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in
a position to prevent avoidable exposure
Corporate lesson 2
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the
road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She
got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal
a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her
leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember
psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He
forced himself to remove his hand. However,he was unable to remove
his eyes from her leg.
Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg
again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh
is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a
meaningful glance and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a
bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek,
further up, you will find glory."
MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or
you might miss a great opportunity!
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing
up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of
arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the
wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs
downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next
door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says,"I'll give
you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands
naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800
dollars and leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps
back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back
to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great," the
husband says, "did he say anything aboutthe 800 dollars he
owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining
to credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in
a position to prevent avoidable exposure
Corporate lesson 2
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the
road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She
got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal
a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her
leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember
psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He
forced himself to remove his hand. However,he was unable to remove
his eyes from her leg.
Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg
again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh
is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a
meaningful glance and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a
bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek,
further up, you will find glory."
MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or
you might miss a great opportunity!
Corporate Philanthropy-Misanthropy Ratio Holding Steady
by The Onion
WASHINGTON, DC -- The National Corporate Philanthropy-Misanthropy Ratio
held steady at 1:770 in the third fiscal quarter of 1998, the U.S.
Department of Commerce announced Tuesday.
According to the department's latest quarterly report, for every
scholarship program, literacy drive, art exhibition or tree-planting
project sponsored by U.S. corporations between July and September 1998,
there were 770 acts of covert pollution, foreign-labor exploitation,
worker-safety violations and profit-driven downsizing.
Though corporate America doubled its conspicuous good works during the
third quarter of 1998, the increase was offset by a concurrent doubling
of unethical and illegal acts, leaving the overall
philanthropy-misanthropy ratio unchanged.
The Commerce Department report cited the example of Dallas-based
oil-refining giant ITX Petroleum, which in October raised $50,000 for
the United Negro College Fund with a $400-a-plate charity ball. That
same month, oil spills from unsound ITX offshore wells contaminated
hundreds of miles of Gulf of Mexico coastline, killing millions of
sea-dwelling creatures and putting hundreds of fishermen out of work.
"The men from the American company gave everyone in my village free
measles vaccinations when the camera crews were here two summers ago,"
Mexican laborer Jorge Sanchez said. "On the other hand, their pipeline
burst last week, burning thousands of villagers alive in a lake of
flaming oil."
Though it has fluctuated over the years, the National Corporate
Philanthropy-Misanthropy Ratio has not dipped below the 1:600 mark since
the 1930s, when automobile tycoon Henry Ford established the Ford
Foundation, his art- and education-funding organization. During those
same years, the Ford Motor Company was profiting from trade with Nazi
Germany chemical giant and Zyklon-B poison-gas manufacturer I.G. Farben,
and publishing anti-Semitic editorials in The Dearborn Independent.
The Corporate Philanthropy-Misanthropy Ratio was established by the
Commerce Department in 1914. The ratio hit an early peak of 1:300 in
1920, when Standard Oil tycoon John D. Rockefeller began making a public
show of distributing dimes to children while ruthlessly crushing his
competitors, often through violent means.
In the decades since, corporate philanthropy has steadily grown, today
encompassing everything from funding AIDS research organizations to
underwriting PBS' Mystery! That growth, however, has been accompanied
by an even greater rise in misanthropy, as the corporate elite continues
to consolidate its power base and operate under fewer and fewer
constraints, abusing its power whenever profit motive dictates.
"I never miss the Environmental Media Awards," said NBC executive Carl
Unger, arriving at the annual gala awards ceremony honoring excellence
in positive media portrayals of environmental issues. "The pomp, the
glamour, the celebrities -- it's a fabulous night of black-tie opulence
that can be enjoyed without guilt." NBC's parent company, General
Electric, continues to manufacture thermonuclear weapons components,
producing profits at a staggering rate.
According to Wharton Business School professor Milton Scheidt, one
publicly donated charity dollar is the equivalent of 100,000 privately
hoarded ones. "By keeping a limited number of these 'inflated' charity
dollars in circulation at all times," Scheidt said, "corporations can
generate sympathy and public-perception 'breathing room' for
misanthropic expansion in the future."
"By tossing the occasional crumb to a worthy cause, I'm able to feel
much better about the rest of my vast fortunes," Consolidated Chemicals
CEO Patrick Farnsworth said. "The best part is, I don't actually have
to give away all that much. Where charity is concerned, a little goes a
long way."
by The Onion
WASHINGTON, DC -- The National Corporate Philanthropy-Misanthropy Ratio
held steady at 1:770 in the third fiscal quarter of 1998, the U.S.
Department of Commerce announced Tuesday.
According to the department's latest quarterly report, for every
scholarship program, literacy drive, art exhibition or tree-planting
project sponsored by U.S. corporations between July and September 1998,
there were 770 acts of covert pollution, foreign-labor exploitation,
worker-safety violations and profit-driven downsizing.
Though corporate America doubled its conspicuous good works during the
third quarter of 1998, the increase was offset by a concurrent doubling
of unethical and illegal acts, leaving the overall
philanthropy-misanthropy ratio unchanged.
The Commerce Department report cited the example of Dallas-based
oil-refining giant ITX Petroleum, which in October raised $50,000 for
the United Negro College Fund with a $400-a-plate charity ball. That
same month, oil spills from unsound ITX offshore wells contaminated
hundreds of miles of Gulf of Mexico coastline, killing millions of
sea-dwelling creatures and putting hundreds of fishermen out of work.
"The men from the American company gave everyone in my village free
measles vaccinations when the camera crews were here two summers ago,"
Mexican laborer Jorge Sanchez said. "On the other hand, their pipeline
burst last week, burning thousands of villagers alive in a lake of
flaming oil."
Though it has fluctuated over the years, the National Corporate
Philanthropy-Misanthropy Ratio has not dipped below the 1:600 mark since
the 1930s, when automobile tycoon Henry Ford established the Ford
Foundation, his art- and education-funding organization. During those
same years, the Ford Motor Company was profiting from trade with Nazi
Germany chemical giant and Zyklon-B poison-gas manufacturer I.G. Farben,
and publishing anti-Semitic editorials in The Dearborn Independent.
The Corporate Philanthropy-Misanthropy Ratio was established by the
Commerce Department in 1914. The ratio hit an early peak of 1:300 in
1920, when Standard Oil tycoon John D. Rockefeller began making a public
show of distributing dimes to children while ruthlessly crushing his
competitors, often through violent means.
In the decades since, corporate philanthropy has steadily grown, today
encompassing everything from funding AIDS research organizations to
underwriting PBS' Mystery! That growth, however, has been accompanied
by an even greater rise in misanthropy, as the corporate elite continues
to consolidate its power base and operate under fewer and fewer
constraints, abusing its power whenever profit motive dictates.
"I never miss the Environmental Media Awards," said NBC executive Carl
Unger, arriving at the annual gala awards ceremony honoring excellence
in positive media portrayals of environmental issues. "The pomp, the
glamour, the celebrities -- it's a fabulous night of black-tie opulence
that can be enjoyed without guilt." NBC's parent company, General
Electric, continues to manufacture thermonuclear weapons components,
producing profits at a staggering rate.
According to Wharton Business School professor Milton Scheidt, one
publicly donated charity dollar is the equivalent of 100,000 privately
hoarded ones. "By keeping a limited number of these 'inflated' charity
dollars in circulation at all times," Scheidt said, "corporations can
generate sympathy and public-perception 'breathing room' for
misanthropic expansion in the future."
"By tossing the occasional crumb to a worthy cause, I'm able to feel
much better about the rest of my vast fortunes," Consolidated Chemicals
CEO Patrick Farnsworth said. "The best part is, I don't actually have
to give away all that much. Where charity is concerned, a little goes a
long way."
Dear Bank Manager,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I
endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three
nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and
the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of
course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an
arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the
manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant
financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.
No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant
incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 1999, taking as my
model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can
think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and
proud to hear it.
To this end, please be advised about the following changes:
First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your
telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted
by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which
your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal
with a flesh and blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no
longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque,
addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch,
whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under
the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require our
chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in
order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about
me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or
her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace,
and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income,
debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented
proof.
In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which
he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be
shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of
button presses required to access my account balance on your phone
bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of
flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my
new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours.
My authorized contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will
have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an
automated voice. By pressing Buttons on the phone, he/she will be
guided thorough an extensive set of menus:
1. To make an appointment to see me
2. To query a missing repayment
3. To make a general complaint or inquiry
4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there;
Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is
received;
5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am still sleeping.
Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is
received;
6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is
received.
7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to
access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a
later date to the contact.
9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1
through 8.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a
lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month
I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie:
"Oh, the banks are made of marble With a guard at every door And the
vaults are filled with silver That the miners sweated for"
After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it
by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost.
As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater
efficiency comes at a cost. A cost which you have always been quick to
pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.
First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I
will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated
contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response.
Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the
penalty for the dishonored cheque, will be passed back to you.
My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie
doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your
inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following
your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the
setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your humble client
A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed
that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was
putting on his surgical glove -"Do you know how they make
these rubber gloves?"
She said, "No?"
"Well," he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with
a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand
size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands
in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right
onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big
'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over
again."
Upon hearing this explanation the woman sat stoic, not laughing the
slightest bit.
A few minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth
because she burst out laughing.
The dentist was baffled, and asked her what was so funny.
The woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they
must make condoms!"
that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was
putting on his surgical glove -"Do you know how they make
these rubber gloves?"
She said, "No?"
"Well," he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with
a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand
size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands
in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right
onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big
'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over
again."
Upon hearing this explanation the woman sat stoic, not laughing the
slightest bit.
A few minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth
because she burst out laughing.
The dentist was baffled, and asked her what was so funny.
The woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they
must make condoms!"
Diary of a Federal Employee
by Steve Weiss
The following journal entry has been "borrowed" from a federal
employee, whose name and occupation have been withheld for his or her
protection.
Dear Diary,
Today was the same as any other day. I got to work 5 hours early in
order to find parking in the Menial Federal Employee Parking Lot. It's
mandatory that all employees park in the lot, although there are only 10
spots for 400 employees, but there is ample street parking. Then there is
the Supervisor Lot, which has 50 spots for 2 supervisors. Our cars will be
immediately towed if we park in the Supervisor Lot. Actually, one of the
two supervisors does nothing but make sure that nobody else parks in the
Supervisor Lot. He's currently making a six figure salary.
At the door, I had to show my building card to the security guard. He
started telling me about his wife's problems. I told him I need to get to
work, and he reminded me of the clause in my contract that stated that I
have to listen to every story he wants to tell me.
Six hours later, I went upstairs to my office, and was docked for being
late. I tried to explain to my supervisor about the security guard, and he
had me fill out a Lame Excuse for being Late form. I filled it out, and he
told me I had to mail it to him, even though he's in the office next door.
I put the form in an envelope and was about to put it in my outbox for
the mailboy to pick up, when I remembered that the mailboy would not be in
today since he had to attend the Federal Mailboy's Workshop, so I went
outside to mail it myself. As I re-entered the building, the security
guard stopped me and demanded to see my card, which I had accidentally left
upstairs. Even though he had known me for years, he made me fill out a
Lame Excuse for Thinking You Belong in this Building form, which made me
agree that if I try to steal anything, I have to donate all my organs to
the government.
As I handed him the form, I noticed a person wearing a ski mask, who was
holding a crowbar, enter the building and freely go upstairs. I asked the
security guard why he didn't stop the person, and he told me he's on a break.
I went back upstairs, only to find my supervisor waiting for me, who was
angry that I haven't done any work today. I tried to tell him why, but he
made me fill out a Lame Excuse for Not Doing Any Work Today form. After I
threw out the form, I got to work.
I was going to get to a stack of paperwork, when I noticed the many
flashing lights on my phone, I answered one of the calls, and found out
that person had been on hold since the Carter Administration. He asked me
something about a form, and he what ethnicity to check, because of his
multi-ethnic background, which was not covered on the form. I told him
that if the form doesn't mention his exact situation, then his situation
does not exist.
The next call came from someone who misplaced one of their forms, and
needed another one. I then told her to call the Office of People Who Mail
Forms to Losers Who Lose Them, and she told me that it closed because of
budgetary constraints six years ago. I told her I was not the one who
closed it, so she has no business complaining to me about it.
I was about to answer another call, but my supervisor announced that
today was Mailperson's Appreciation Day, and it was mandatory that we all
attend a three hour reception honoring mailpeople. We all went to the
designated coffee room, where we each had to pay $35 for stale danish, and
to listen to a mail-person who had been flown in (first class, I might add)
from Argentina, who discussed the mail delivery in medieval Turkish
society. I made the mistake of pointing out that in the Middle Ages,
Turkey was known as the Byzantine Empire, and I was fined $50 for
harrassing the guest speaker.
I answered two more calls, before being interrupted by my supervisor,
who told me it was mandatory for me to go to a seminar on agricultural
accounting, when I pointed out that I was not an accountant, nor did my job
even remotely involve any kind of accounting. He told me that he does not
care about a minor technicality.
After returning from the seminar, I was about to answer another call,
when my supervisor announced that it was quitting time, and like every day,
I had to fill out a So, You Think You're Going Home form that made me
promise not to try to break in later that night and steal anything, and had
me verify that I had not been deported today.
As I left, I picked up my paycheck, and used that money to buy a pack of
gum.
by Steve Weiss
The following journal entry has been "borrowed" from a federal
employee, whose name and occupation have been withheld for his or her
protection.
Dear Diary,
Today was the same as any other day. I got to work 5 hours early in
order to find parking in the Menial Federal Employee Parking Lot. It's
mandatory that all employees park in the lot, although there are only 10
spots for 400 employees, but there is ample street parking. Then there is
the Supervisor Lot, which has 50 spots for 2 supervisors. Our cars will be
immediately towed if we park in the Supervisor Lot. Actually, one of the
two supervisors does nothing but make sure that nobody else parks in the
Supervisor Lot. He's currently making a six figure salary.
At the door, I had to show my building card to the security guard. He
started telling me about his wife's problems. I told him I need to get to
work, and he reminded me of the clause in my contract that stated that I
have to listen to every story he wants to tell me.
Six hours later, I went upstairs to my office, and was docked for being
late. I tried to explain to my supervisor about the security guard, and he
had me fill out a Lame Excuse for being Late form. I filled it out, and he
told me I had to mail it to him, even though he's in the office next door.
I put the form in an envelope and was about to put it in my outbox for
the mailboy to pick up, when I remembered that the mailboy would not be in
today since he had to attend the Federal Mailboy's Workshop, so I went
outside to mail it myself. As I re-entered the building, the security
guard stopped me and demanded to see my card, which I had accidentally left
upstairs. Even though he had known me for years, he made me fill out a
Lame Excuse for Thinking You Belong in this Building form, which made me
agree that if I try to steal anything, I have to donate all my organs to
the government.
As I handed him the form, I noticed a person wearing a ski mask, who was
holding a crowbar, enter the building and freely go upstairs. I asked the
security guard why he didn't stop the person, and he told me he's on a break.
I went back upstairs, only to find my supervisor waiting for me, who was
angry that I haven't done any work today. I tried to tell him why, but he
made me fill out a Lame Excuse for Not Doing Any Work Today form. After I
threw out the form, I got to work.
I was going to get to a stack of paperwork, when I noticed the many
flashing lights on my phone, I answered one of the calls, and found out
that person had been on hold since the Carter Administration. He asked me
something about a form, and he what ethnicity to check, because of his
multi-ethnic background, which was not covered on the form. I told him
that if the form doesn't mention his exact situation, then his situation
does not exist.
The next call came from someone who misplaced one of their forms, and
needed another one. I then told her to call the Office of People Who Mail
Forms to Losers Who Lose Them, and she told me that it closed because of
budgetary constraints six years ago. I told her I was not the one who
closed it, so she has no business complaining to me about it.
I was about to answer another call, but my supervisor announced that
today was Mailperson's Appreciation Day, and it was mandatory that we all
attend a three hour reception honoring mailpeople. We all went to the
designated coffee room, where we each had to pay $35 for stale danish, and
to listen to a mail-person who had been flown in (first class, I might add)
from Argentina, who discussed the mail delivery in medieval Turkish
society. I made the mistake of pointing out that in the Middle Ages,
Turkey was known as the Byzantine Empire, and I was fined $50 for
harrassing the guest speaker.
I answered two more calls, before being interrupted by my supervisor,
who told me it was mandatory for me to go to a seminar on agricultural
accounting, when I pointed out that I was not an accountant, nor did my job
even remotely involve any kind of accounting. He told me that he does not
care about a minor technicality.
After returning from the seminar, I was about to answer another call,
when my supervisor announced that it was quitting time, and like every day,
I had to fill out a So, You Think You're Going Home form that made me
promise not to try to break in later that night and steal anything, and had
me verify that I had not been deported today.
As I left, I picked up my paycheck, and used that money to buy a pack of
gum.
Differences Between Bosses and Employees
When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your
authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
When you please your boss, you're arse-creeping.
When your boss please his boss, he's being co-operative.
When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When you have one too many drinks at a social, you're a drunken bum.
When your boss does the same, he appreciated women.
When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it 's because he's overworked.
When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your
authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
When you please your boss, you're arse-creeping.
When your boss please his boss, he's being co-operative.
When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When you have one too many drinks at a social, you're a drunken bum.
When your boss does the same, he appreciated women.
When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it 's because he's overworked.
Dress As An IRS Agent For Halloween
The door bell, rings, and a man answers it. Here stands this plain but
well dressed kid, saying, "Trick or Treat!"
The man asks the kids what he's dressed up like for Halloween. The kid
says, "I'm an IRS agent."
Then he takes 28% of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say Thank
You.
The door bell, rings, and a man answers it. Here stands this plain but
well dressed kid, saying, "Trick or Treat!"
The man asks the kids what he's dressed up like for Halloween. The kid
says, "I'm an IRS agent."
Then he takes 28% of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't say Thank
You.
Economic Theory of Women
I can shoot down the most basic economic theory with just one little
statement:
Why is it that the girl with the least principle draws the
most amount of interest?
I can shoot down the most basic economic theory with just one little
statement:
Why is it that the girl with the least principle draws the
most amount of interest?
There was a guy floating around in a hot air balloon that got lost. He decided to descend to about 300 feet above the ground to get his bearings.
Once there, he spotted someone on the ground and shouted down:
"Pardon me, sir. I appear to be lost. Can you tell me where I am?"
The man on the ground looked around, looked up, and then yelled back: You are in a hot air balloon about 300 feet above the round."
The man in the balloon paused for a moment, then shouted back: "You must be an engineer."
The man on the ground replied: "Yes. How did you know?"
The balloonist replied: "Well, you gave me the correct information ... but you didn't solve the problem."
Taken aback, the man on the ground shot back: "You must be a manager."
The balloonist was amazed and asked: "Yes. How did you know?"
The grounded man replied: "Well, there you are up in the air and lost but you think it's my problem."
---
Another version:
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field. " "You must be an engineer", says the balloonist. "I am", replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well", says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management." "I am", replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
Once there, he spotted someone on the ground and shouted down:
"Pardon me, sir. I appear to be lost. Can you tell me where I am?"
The man on the ground looked around, looked up, and then yelled back: You are in a hot air balloon about 300 feet above the round."
The man in the balloon paused for a moment, then shouted back: "You must be an engineer."
The man on the ground replied: "Yes. How did you know?"
The balloonist replied: "Well, you gave me the correct information ... but you didn't solve the problem."
Taken aback, the man on the ground shot back: "You must be a manager."
The balloonist was amazed and asked: "Yes. How did you know?"
The grounded man replied: "Well, there you are up in the air and lost but you think it's my problem."
---
Another version:
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field. " "You must be an engineer", says the balloonist. "I am", replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well", says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management." "I am", replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
Evolution of Product Documentation
Most documentation starts as hastily scrawled notes from
sleep-deprived developers who weren't necessarily hired for their
keen communication skills. Those notes are then fleshed out by
recently graduated English majors who have spent their last four
years immersed in works of fiction. The results are then passed on
to the marketing department whose job it is to make sure that no word
or phrase will reflect unfavorably on the product ("I don't think
that the word 'Basic' properly communicates the exciting nature of
the product. Why don't we call it 'Visual Zesty?!'"). It is then
beset by lawyers who finish the job by making sure that they haven't
explicitly promised that the product will actually do anything. By
the time the documentation gets into your hands, it has been so
sanitized for your protection and generalized beyond recognition that
you usually have to go out and buy a 3rd-party manual (that was, more
likely than not, written by the same non-technical technical writer
who wrote the original documentation) in a vain attempt to get an
unbiased, unexpurgated, and unfiltered view of just how you're really
supposed to use the stuff.
-Introduction
About The "@ Novell" Series
November 3, 1998
Most documentation starts as hastily scrawled notes from
sleep-deprived developers who weren't necessarily hired for their
keen communication skills. Those notes are then fleshed out by
recently graduated English majors who have spent their last four
years immersed in works of fiction. The results are then passed on
to the marketing department whose job it is to make sure that no word
or phrase will reflect unfavorably on the product ("I don't think
that the word 'Basic' properly communicates the exciting nature of
the product. Why don't we call it 'Visual Zesty?!'"). It is then
beset by lawyers who finish the job by making sure that they haven't
explicitly promised that the product will actually do anything. By
the time the documentation gets into your hands, it has been so
sanitized for your protection and generalized beyond recognition that
you usually have to go out and buy a 3rd-party manual (that was, more
likely than not, written by the same non-technical technical writer
who wrote the original documentation) in a vain attempt to get an
unbiased, unexpurgated, and unfiltered view of just how you're really
supposed to use the stuff.
-Introduction
About The "@ Novell" Series
November 3, 1998
Fight Office Boredom
Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always
wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if
your boss is a different gender than you are.)
Make upnicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these
names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to
disagree with you there, Chachi."
Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For
example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
"Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since
you did this.
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."
Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're
waiting for your document.
Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for
lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the
meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.
Insist that your e-mail address be "zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com"
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want
fries with that.
Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the
direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker
and ask her to settle the disagreement.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try
to pass them off as your children.
For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the
fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can
catch in your mouth.
Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom,
when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach,
and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over
their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always
wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if
your boss is a different gender than you are.)
Make upnicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these
names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to
disagree with you there, Chachi."
Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For
example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
"Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since
you did this.
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."
Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're
waiting for your document.
Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for
lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the
meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.
Insist that your e-mail address be "zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com"
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want
fries with that.
Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the
direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker
and ask her to settle the disagreement.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try
to pass them off as your children.
For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the
fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can
catch in your mouth.
Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom,
when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach,
and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over
their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
First Men in Tights and Then Men in Ties
By Bill Hall, Lewiston, Idaho Tribune, November 20, 1998
Forget the whooping crane and the spotted owl; it is the business suit
and the spotted necktie that are being threatened with extinction in
America today.
Count me among the social bums who are glad.
I have spent my life looking in the mirror, draping a necktie -- a
decoration with no practical use -- around my shirt collar and tying it
into place. And while it is true that I look like a million bucks that
way, a million must be about what I have spent by now on suits and ties.
However, it looks like many of you will be escaping that expense in your
careers. There comes a time with any fashion. Men once wore tights.
That curse passed. Maybe suits and ties are next.
After a couple of hundred years, these formal coats and pants, made from
expensive materials, are in deep decline. And the good news is that
they aren't being replaced by tights.
We knew as early as my childhood that this day would come. Look back to
any of the comic books then that depicted the 21st century. None of
them showed men wearing conventional suits and ties. It was just
assumed that by 2000 we would move into some kind of futuristic
clothing. You get a rough idea of what was expected by looking at the
science fiction movies and television series of today. Those versions
of futuristic clothing are based pretty much on the theories that gave
rise to space-age clothing in all those old comic books. The
presumption was that, by the 21st century, business and professional
people would shed these stiff, overdecorated duds for costumes of
greater comfort.
By about now, we all would be wearing clothes made of amazingly supple
and durable synthetic material. In short, we would be wearing something
like polyester jammies.
That seemed amazing at the time because most men half a century ago
owned at least one suit and tie -- even men in blue-collar jobs.
Practically every man had something called a Sunday-go-to-meeting suit.
It was a regulation suit and tie that you used for special occasions
like weddings and funerals, even if you didn't regularly go to church.
If you went to a funeral, virtually every man in the room would be
wearing a suit and tie. Some of the suits were borrowed. Some had been
around a few decades. But the regulation get-up for special occasions
was a suit and tie.
There is a story in my family about a hired man, working on the farm for
my great-grandfather. The hired man's father died. The hired man
borrowed my great-grandfather's suit and wore it to the funeral -- and
to the Irish wake that followed.
The next day he returned the suit with the back ripped. He explained
that he was drunk and ripped the back of the suit while crawling on his
hands and knees under a barbed-wire fence. But he wore a suit to his
father's funeral. And for a few hours he looked grand.
Today, you go to a funeral or a wedding and no more than half the men in
the audience will be wearing suits and ties. In fact, the only ones so
dressed are pretty much those whose jobs require them to dress up
regularly. The rest of the members of the audience are not about to
spend the price of a new set of tires on something they wear every two
years. And I say good for them. I wouldn't want anyone coming to my
funeral wasting money on a new suit. (Actually, I wouldn't want anyone
coming to my funeral at all -- at least, not yet.)
But now we are taking the next step, moving out of the suit-and-tie era
as surely as men once left their tights behind. We probably have the
computer industry to thank for this. It was started largely by a bunch
of rumpled guys working in basements and garages. They chose the
fashion they are now imposing on the business world for comfort, not for
appearance. They began as techies talking to machines not, as in
traditional business, as young salesmen meeting the public.
So we now have the future clothing that the old science fiction comic
books predicted. But it isn't jammies made of artificial fabric. The
costume of the space age that replaces suits is plain old blue jeans and
sweaters and sweatshirts.
And somehow it is a comfort to realize that we have come all this way
into this inventive new age and we still haven't found anything better
to put on our backs than cotton from a plant and wool from a sheep.
By Bill Hall, Lewiston, Idaho Tribune, November 20, 1998
Forget the whooping crane and the spotted owl; it is the business suit
and the spotted necktie that are being threatened with extinction in
America today.
Count me among the social bums who are glad.
I have spent my life looking in the mirror, draping a necktie -- a
decoration with no practical use -- around my shirt collar and tying it
into place. And while it is true that I look like a million bucks that
way, a million must be about what I have spent by now on suits and ties.
However, it looks like many of you will be escaping that expense in your
careers. There comes a time with any fashion. Men once wore tights.
That curse passed. Maybe suits and ties are next.
After a couple of hundred years, these formal coats and pants, made from
expensive materials, are in deep decline. And the good news is that
they aren't being replaced by tights.
We knew as early as my childhood that this day would come. Look back to
any of the comic books then that depicted the 21st century. None of
them showed men wearing conventional suits and ties. It was just
assumed that by 2000 we would move into some kind of futuristic
clothing. You get a rough idea of what was expected by looking at the
science fiction movies and television series of today. Those versions
of futuristic clothing are based pretty much on the theories that gave
rise to space-age clothing in all those old comic books. The
presumption was that, by the 21st century, business and professional
people would shed these stiff, overdecorated duds for costumes of
greater comfort.
By about now, we all would be wearing clothes made of amazingly supple
and durable synthetic material. In short, we would be wearing something
like polyester jammies.
That seemed amazing at the time because most men half a century ago
owned at least one suit and tie -- even men in blue-collar jobs.
Practically every man had something called a Sunday-go-to-meeting suit.
It was a regulation suit and tie that you used for special occasions
like weddings and funerals, even if you didn't regularly go to church.
If you went to a funeral, virtually every man in the room would be
wearing a suit and tie. Some of the suits were borrowed. Some had been
around a few decades. But the regulation get-up for special occasions
was a suit and tie.
There is a story in my family about a hired man, working on the farm for
my great-grandfather. The hired man's father died. The hired man
borrowed my great-grandfather's suit and wore it to the funeral -- and
to the Irish wake that followed.
The next day he returned the suit with the back ripped. He explained
that he was drunk and ripped the back of the suit while crawling on his
hands and knees under a barbed-wire fence. But he wore a suit to his
father's funeral. And for a few hours he looked grand.
Today, you go to a funeral or a wedding and no more than half the men in
the audience will be wearing suits and ties. In fact, the only ones so
dressed are pretty much those whose jobs require them to dress up
regularly. The rest of the members of the audience are not about to
spend the price of a new set of tires on something they wear every two
years. And I say good for them. I wouldn't want anyone coming to my
funeral wasting money on a new suit. (Actually, I wouldn't want anyone
coming to my funeral at all -- at least, not yet.)
But now we are taking the next step, moving out of the suit-and-tie era
as surely as men once left their tights behind. We probably have the
computer industry to thank for this. It was started largely by a bunch
of rumpled guys working in basements and garages. They chose the
fashion they are now imposing on the business world for comfort, not for
appearance. They began as techies talking to machines not, as in
traditional business, as young salesmen meeting the public.
So we now have the future clothing that the old science fiction comic
books predicted. But it isn't jammies made of artificial fabric. The
costume of the space age that replaces suits is plain old blue jeans and
sweaters and sweatshirts.
And somehow it is a comfort to realize that we have come all this way
into this inventive new age and we still haven't found anything better
to put on our backs than cotton from a plant and wool from a sheep.
Generation X Office Lingo
Blamestorming - sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was
missed or a project failed and who was responsible
Body Nazis - hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down
on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively
Chainsaw consultant - an outside expert brought in to reduce the employee
headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands
Cube farm - an office filled with cubicles
Ego surfing - scanning the Net, databases, print media, and so on, looking
for references to one's own name
Elvis year - the peak year of something's popularity -- Barney the
dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993.
404 - someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message
"404 Not Found", meaning the requested document couldn't be
located -- Don't bother asking him, he's 404.
Idea hamsters - people who always seem to have their idea generators
running
Mouse potato - the on-line generation's answer to the couch potato
Ohnosecond - that minuscule fraction of time in which you realize you've
just made a big mistake
Prairie dogging - something loud happens in a cube farm, and people's heads
pop up over the walls to see what's going on
SITCOM - stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage
Stress puppy - a person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny
Tourists - those who take training classes just to take a vacation from
their jobs -- "We had three serious students in the class; the rest
were tourists."
Uninstalled - euphemism for being fired
Xerox subsidy - euphemism for swiping free photocopies from a workplace
Blamestorming - sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was
missed or a project failed and who was responsible
Body Nazis - hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down
on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively
Chainsaw consultant - an outside expert brought in to reduce the employee
headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands
Cube farm - an office filled with cubicles
Ego surfing - scanning the Net, databases, print media, and so on, looking
for references to one's own name
Elvis year - the peak year of something's popularity -- Barney the
dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993.
404 - someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message
"404 Not Found", meaning the requested document couldn't be
located -- Don't bother asking him, he's 404.
Idea hamsters - people who always seem to have their idea generators
running
Mouse potato - the on-line generation's answer to the couch potato
Ohnosecond - that minuscule fraction of time in which you realize you've
just made a big mistake
Prairie dogging - something loud happens in a cube farm, and people's heads
pop up over the walls to see what's going on
SITCOM - stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage
Stress puppy - a person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny
Tourists - those who take training classes just to take a vacation from
their jobs -- "We had three serious students in the class; the rest
were tourists."
Uninstalled - euphemism for being fired
Xerox subsidy - euphemism for swiping free photocopies from a workplace
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Healthy Competition
The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own
opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read ... BEST DEALS.
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and
announced its arrival with an even larger sign,reading ... LOWEST PRICES.
The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign
of all over his own shop. It read ... MAIN ENTRANCE.
The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own
opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read ... BEST DEALS.
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and
announced its arrival with an even larger sign,reading ... LOWEST PRICES.
The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign
of all over his own shop. It read ... MAIN ENTRANCE.
How I Made a Fortune
It was really quite simple. I bought an apple for 5 cents, spent the
evening polishing it, and sold it the next day for 10 cents. With this
I bought two apples, spent the evening polishing them, and sold them
for 20 cents. And so it went until I had amassed $1.60. It was then
that my wife's father died and left me a million dollars.
It was really quite simple. I bought an apple for 5 cents, spent the
evening polishing it, and sold it the next day for 10 cents. With this
I bought two apples, spent the evening polishing them, and sold them
for 20 cents. And so it went until I had amassed $1.60. It was then
that my wife's father died and left me a million dollars.
How to Attend a Meeting
To really succeed in a business or organization, it is sometimes
helpful to know what your job is, and whether it involves any duties.
Ask among your coworkers. "Hi," you should say. "I'm a new employee.
What is the name of my job?" If they answer "long-range planner" or
"lieutenant governor," you are pretty much free to lounge around and
do crossword puzzles until retirement. Most jobs, however, will
require some work.
There are two major kinds of work in modern organizations:
* Taking phone messages for people who are in meetings, and,
* Going to meetings.
Your ultimate career strategy will be to get a job involving primarily
No. 2, going to meetings, as soon as possible, because that's where
the real prestige is. It is all very well and good to be able to take
phone messages, but you are never going to get a position of power, a
position where you can cost thousands of people their jobs with a
single bonehead decision, unless you learn how to attend meetings.
The first meeting ever was held back in the Mezzanine Era. In those
days, Man's job was to slay his prey and bring it home for Woman, who
had to figure out how to cook it. The problem was, Man was slow and
basically naked, whereas the prey had warm fur and could run like an
antelope. (In fact it was an antelope, only nobody knew this).
At last someone said, "Maybe if we just sat down and did some
brainstorming, we could come up with a better way to hunt our prey!"
It went extremely well, plus it was much warmer sitting in a circle,
so they agreed to meet again the next day, and the next.
But the women pointed out that, prey-wise, the men had not produced
anything, and the human race was pretty much starving. The men agreed
that was serious and said they would put it right near the top of
their "agenda". At this point, the women, who were primitive but not
stupid, started eating plants, and thus modern agriculture was born.
It never would have happened without meetings.
The modern business meeting, however, might better be compared with a
funeral, in the sense that you have a gathering of people who are
wearing uncomfortable clothing and would rather be somewhere else. The
major difference is that most funerals have a definite purpose. Also,
nothing is really ever buried in a meeting.
An idea may look dead, but it will always reappear at another meeting
later on. If you have ever seen the movie, "Night of the Living Dead,"
you have a rough idea of how modern meetings operate, with projects
and proposals that everyone thought were killed rising up constantly
from their graves to stagger back into meetings and eat the brains of
the living.
There are two major kinds of meetings:
* Meetings that are held for basically the same reason that Arbor Day
is observed - namely, tradition. For example, a lot of
managerial people like to meet on Monday, because it's Monday.
You'll get used to it. You'd better, because this kind account
for 83% of all meetings (based on a study in which I wrote down
numbers until one of them looked about right). This type of
meeting operates the way "Show and Tell" does in nursery school,
with everyone getting to say something, the difference being
that in nursery school, the kids actually have something to say.
* When it's your turn, you should say that you're still working on
whatever it is you're supposed to be working on. This may seem
pretty dumb, since obviously you'd be working on whatever
you're supposed to be working on, and even if you weren't,
you'd claim you were, but that's the traditional thing for
everyone to say. It would be a lot faster if the person running
the meeting would just say, "Everyone who is still working on
what he or she is supposed to be working on, raise your hand."
You'd be out of there in five minutes, even allowing for jokes.
But this is not how we do it in America. My guess is, it's how
they do it in Japan.
* Meetings where there is some alleged purpose. These are trickier,
because what you do depends on what the purpose is. Sometimes
the purpose is harmless, like someone wants to show slides of
pie charts and give everyone a big, fat report. All you have to
do in this kind of meeting is sit there and have elaborate
fantasies, then take the report back to your office and throw
it away, unless, of course, you're a vice president, in which
case you write the name of a subordinate in the upper right
hand corner, followed be a question mark, like this: "Norm?"
Then you send it to Norm and forget all about it (although it
will plague Norm for the rest of his career).
But sometimes you go to meetings where the purpose is to get your
"input" on something. This is very serious because what it means is,
they want to make sure that in case whatever it is turns out to be
stupid or fatal, you'll get some of the blame, so you have to escape
from the meeting before they get around to asking you anything. One way
is to set fire to your tie.
Another is to have an accomplice interrupt the meeting and announce
that you have a phone call from someone very important, such as the
president of the company or the Pope. It should be one or the other.
It would a sound fishy if the accomplice said, "You have a call from
the president of the company, or the Pope."
You should know how to take notes at a meeting. Use a yellow legal pad.
At the top, write the date and underline it twice. Now wait until an
important person, such as your boss, starts talking; when he does, look
at him with an expression of enraptured interest, as though he is
revealing the secrets of life itself. Then write interlocking
rectangles like this: (picture of doodled rectangles).
If it is an especially lengthy meeting, you can try something like
this (Picture of more elaborate doodles and a caricature of the boss).
If somebody falls asleep in a meeting, have everyone else leave the
room. Then collect a group of total strangers, right off the street,
and have them sit around the sleeping person until he wakes up. Then
have one of them say to him, "Bob, your plan is very, very risky.
However, you've given us no choice but to try it. I only hope, for your
sake, that you know what you're getting yourself into." Then they
should file quietly out of the room.
To really succeed in a business or organization, it is sometimes
helpful to know what your job is, and whether it involves any duties.
Ask among your coworkers. "Hi," you should say. "I'm a new employee.
What is the name of my job?" If they answer "long-range planner" or
"lieutenant governor," you are pretty much free to lounge around and
do crossword puzzles until retirement. Most jobs, however, will
require some work.
There are two major kinds of work in modern organizations:
* Taking phone messages for people who are in meetings, and,
* Going to meetings.
Your ultimate career strategy will be to get a job involving primarily
No. 2, going to meetings, as soon as possible, because that's where
the real prestige is. It is all very well and good to be able to take
phone messages, but you are never going to get a position of power, a
position where you can cost thousands of people their jobs with a
single bonehead decision, unless you learn how to attend meetings.
The first meeting ever was held back in the Mezzanine Era. In those
days, Man's job was to slay his prey and bring it home for Woman, who
had to figure out how to cook it. The problem was, Man was slow and
basically naked, whereas the prey had warm fur and could run like an
antelope. (In fact it was an antelope, only nobody knew this).
At last someone said, "Maybe if we just sat down and did some
brainstorming, we could come up with a better way to hunt our prey!"
It went extremely well, plus it was much warmer sitting in a circle,
so they agreed to meet again the next day, and the next.
But the women pointed out that, prey-wise, the men had not produced
anything, and the human race was pretty much starving. The men agreed
that was serious and said they would put it right near the top of
their "agenda". At this point, the women, who were primitive but not
stupid, started eating plants, and thus modern agriculture was born.
It never would have happened without meetings.
The modern business meeting, however, might better be compared with a
funeral, in the sense that you have a gathering of people who are
wearing uncomfortable clothing and would rather be somewhere else. The
major difference is that most funerals have a definite purpose. Also,
nothing is really ever buried in a meeting.
An idea may look dead, but it will always reappear at another meeting
later on. If you have ever seen the movie, "Night of the Living Dead,"
you have a rough idea of how modern meetings operate, with projects
and proposals that everyone thought were killed rising up constantly
from their graves to stagger back into meetings and eat the brains of
the living.
There are two major kinds of meetings:
* Meetings that are held for basically the same reason that Arbor Day
is observed - namely, tradition. For example, a lot of
managerial people like to meet on Monday, because it's Monday.
You'll get used to it. You'd better, because this kind account
for 83% of all meetings (based on a study in which I wrote down
numbers until one of them looked about right). This type of
meeting operates the way "Show and Tell" does in nursery school,
with everyone getting to say something, the difference being
that in nursery school, the kids actually have something to say.
* When it's your turn, you should say that you're still working on
whatever it is you're supposed to be working on. This may seem
pretty dumb, since obviously you'd be working on whatever
you're supposed to be working on, and even if you weren't,
you'd claim you were, but that's the traditional thing for
everyone to say. It would be a lot faster if the person running
the meeting would just say, "Everyone who is still working on
what he or she is supposed to be working on, raise your hand."
You'd be out of there in five minutes, even allowing for jokes.
But this is not how we do it in America. My guess is, it's how
they do it in Japan.
* Meetings where there is some alleged purpose. These are trickier,
because what you do depends on what the purpose is. Sometimes
the purpose is harmless, like someone wants to show slides of
pie charts and give everyone a big, fat report. All you have to
do in this kind of meeting is sit there and have elaborate
fantasies, then take the report back to your office and throw
it away, unless, of course, you're a vice president, in which
case you write the name of a subordinate in the upper right
hand corner, followed be a question mark, like this: "Norm?"
Then you send it to Norm and forget all about it (although it
will plague Norm for the rest of his career).
But sometimes you go to meetings where the purpose is to get your
"input" on something. This is very serious because what it means is,
they want to make sure that in case whatever it is turns out to be
stupid or fatal, you'll get some of the blame, so you have to escape
from the meeting before they get around to asking you anything. One way
is to set fire to your tie.
Another is to have an accomplice interrupt the meeting and announce
that you have a phone call from someone very important, such as the
president of the company or the Pope. It should be one or the other.
It would a sound fishy if the accomplice said, "You have a call from
the president of the company, or the Pope."
You should know how to take notes at a meeting. Use a yellow legal pad.
At the top, write the date and underline it twice. Now wait until an
important person, such as your boss, starts talking; when he does, look
at him with an expression of enraptured interest, as though he is
revealing the secrets of life itself. Then write interlocking
rectangles like this: (picture of doodled rectangles).
If it is an especially lengthy meeting, you can try something like
this (Picture of more elaborate doodles and a caricature of the boss).
If somebody falls asleep in a meeting, have everyone else leave the
room. Then collect a group of total strangers, right off the street,
and have them sit around the sleeping person until he wakes up. Then
have one of them say to him, "Bob, your plan is very, very risky.
However, you've given us no choice but to try it. I only hope, for your
sake, that you know what you're getting yourself into." Then they
should file quietly out of the room.
12 Tips from Employees to their Managers on How to Enhance
the Relationship
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00
and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is
refreshing.
2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10
minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It
gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies,
don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a
paraplegic and opening doors is good training.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which
is the priority. Let me guess.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really
have nowhere to go or anything to do.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that
could cost me a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to
be popular in conversation.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them
down. If fact, save them until the job is almost done.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer
to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could
really change your life.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and
it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.
the Relationship
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00
and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is
refreshing.
2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10
minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It
gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies,
don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a
paraplegic and opening doors is good training.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which
is the priority. Let me guess.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really
have nowhere to go or anything to do.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that
could cost me a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to
be popular in conversation.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them
down. If fact, save them until the job is almost done.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer
to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could
really change your life.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and
it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.
If you ever have a difficult situation to manage, you might consider the
approach offered by this obviously well trained Customer Service Officer.
Indeed, an award should go to the Ansett Airlines gate attendant in Sydney
some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when
confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Ansett flight was cancelled after Ansett's 767s had been
withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of
inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to
the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,"I HAVE to be
on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS."
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you,
but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work
something out". The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the
passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without
hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:
"May I have your attention please, may I have your attention
please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.If anyone can
help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14".
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at
the Ansett attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F*** You!" Without
flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to
get in line for that, too."
How to Interpret a Job Ad
"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION":
You'll be making under $6 an hour.
"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY":
You're paid under $6 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.
"AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY":
There's no chance in hell we'll be the next Microsoft.
"PROFIT-SHARING PLAN":
Once it's shared among the brass, you get what's left.
"COMPETITIVE SALARY":
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY":
We have no time to train you. (and/or)
Please introduce yourself to your co-workers.
"NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER":
Inc. Magazine mentioned us in an article a few years ago.
"IMMEDIATE OPENING":
The person who had this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now
running the ad.
"SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER":
We're can't supply you with leads. (and/or)
There's no base salary to speak of. (and/or)
You'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
"SELF-MOTIVATED":
Don't expect management to answer questions
"WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS":
After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and
a $35 co-pay.
"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION":
You'll be making under $6 an hour.
"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY":
You're paid under $6 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.
"AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY":
There's no chance in hell we'll be the next Microsoft.
"PROFIT-SHARING PLAN":
Once it's shared among the brass, you get what's left.
"COMPETITIVE SALARY":
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY":
We have no time to train you. (and/or)
Please introduce yourself to your co-workers.
"NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER":
Inc. Magazine mentioned us in an article a few years ago.
"IMMEDIATE OPENING":
The person who had this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now
running the ad.
"SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER":
We're can't supply you with leads. (and/or)
There's no base salary to speak of. (and/or)
You'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
"SELF-MOTIVATED":
Don't expect management to answer questions
"WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS":
After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and
a $35 co-pay.
How to Interpret a Resume
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