How To Attend A Meeting

HomeFunplexJob

How to Attend a Meeting



To really succeed in a business or organization, it is sometimes
helpful to know what your job is, and whether it involves any duties.
Ask among your coworkers. "Hi," you should say. "I'm a new employee.
What is the name of my job?" If they answer "long-range planner" or
"lieutenant governor," you are pretty much free to lounge around and
do crossword puzzles until retirement. Most jobs, however, will
require some work.

There are two major kinds of work in modern organizations:
* Taking phone messages for people who are in meetings, and,
* Going to meetings.
Your ultimate career strategy will be to get a job involving primarily
No. 2, going to meetings, as soon as possible, because that's where
the real prestige is. It is all very well and good to be able to take
phone messages, but you are never going to get a position of power, a
position where you can cost thousands of people their jobs with a
single bonehead decision, unless you learn how to attend meetings.

The first meeting ever was held back in the Mezzanine Era. In those
days, Man's job was to slay his prey and bring it home for Woman, who
had to figure out how to cook it. The problem was, Man was slow and
basically naked, whereas the prey had warm fur and could run like an
antelope. (In fact it was an antelope, only nobody knew this).

At last someone said, "Maybe if we just sat down and did some
brainstorming, we could come up with a better way to hunt our prey!"
It went extremely well, plus it was much warmer sitting in a circle,
so they agreed to meet again the next day, and the next.

But the women pointed out that, prey-wise, the men had not produced
anything, and the human race was pretty much starving. The men agreed
that was serious and said they would put it right near the top of
their "agenda". At this point, the women, who were primitive but not
stupid, started eating plants, and thus modern agriculture was born.
It never would have happened without meetings.

The modern business meeting, however, might better be compared with a
funeral, in the sense that you have a gathering of people who are
wearing uncomfortable clothing and would rather be somewhere else. The
major difference is that most funerals have a definite purpose. Also,
nothing is really ever buried in a meeting.

An idea may look dead, but it will always reappear at another meeting
later on. If you have ever seen the movie, "Night of the Living Dead,"
you have a rough idea of how modern meetings operate, with projects
and proposals that everyone thought were killed rising up constantly
from their graves to stagger back into meetings and eat the brains of
the living.

There are two major kinds of meetings:
* Meetings that are held for basically the same reason that Arbor Day
is observed - namely, tradition. For example, a lot of
managerial people like to meet on Monday, because it's Monday.
You'll get used to it. You'd better, because this kind account
for 83% of all meetings (based on a study in which I wrote down
numbers until one of them looked about right). This type of
meeting operates the way "Show and Tell" does in nursery school,
with everyone getting to say something, the difference being
that in nursery school, the kids actually have something to say.
* When it's your turn, you should say that you're still working on
whatever it is you're supposed to be working on. This may seem
pretty dumb, since obviously you'd be working on whatever
you're supposed to be working on, and even if you weren't,
you'd claim you were, but that's the traditional thing for
everyone to say. It would be a lot faster if the person running
the meeting would just say, "Everyone who is still working on
what he or she is supposed to be working on, raise your hand."
You'd be out of there in five minutes, even allowing for jokes.
But this is not how we do it in America. My guess is, it's how
they do it in Japan.
* Meetings where there is some alleged purpose. These are trickier,
because what you do depends on what the purpose is. Sometimes
the purpose is harmless, like someone wants to show slides of
pie charts and give everyone a big, fat report. All you have to
do in this kind of meeting is sit there and have elaborate
fantasies, then take the report back to your office and throw
it away, unless, of course, you're a vice president, in which
case you write the name of a subordinate in the upper right
hand corner, followed be a question mark, like this: "Norm?"
Then you send it to Norm and forget all about it (although it
will plague Norm for the rest of his career).

But sometimes you go to meetings where the purpose is to get your
"input" on something. This is very serious because what it means is,
they want to make sure that in case whatever it is turns out to be
stupid or fatal, you'll get some of the blame, so you have to escape
from the meeting before they get around to asking you anything. One way
is to set fire to your tie.

Another is to have an accomplice interrupt the meeting and announce
that you have a phone call from someone very important, such as the
president of the company or the Pope. It should be one or the other.
It would a sound fishy if the accomplice said, "You have a call from
the president of the company, or the Pope."

You should know how to take notes at a meeting. Use a yellow legal pad.
At the top, write the date and underline it twice. Now wait until an
important person, such as your boss, starts talking; when he does, look
at him with an expression of enraptured interest, as though he is
revealing the secrets of life itself. Then write interlocking
rectangles like this: (picture of doodled rectangles).

If it is an especially lengthy meeting, you can try something like
this (Picture of more elaborate doodles and a caricature of the boss).

If somebody falls asleep in a meeting, have everyone else leave the
room. Then collect a group of total strangers, right off the street,
and have them sit around the sleeping person until he wakes up. Then
have one of them say to him, "Bob, your plan is very, very risky.
However, you've given us no choice but to try it. I only hope, for your
sake, that you know what you're getting yourself into." Then they
should file quietly out of the room.




More Job

  1. [page] 10 Husbands
  2. [page] 3-Minute Management Course
  3. [page] ATM Fees
  4. [page] A Helpdesk Log
  5. [page] Accountant Anthropology
  6. [page] Administratum: A Chemical Analysis
  7. [page] Are You Qualified To Be A Professional?
  8. [page] Business Travel Policy Guidelines
  9. [page] Businessman
  10. [page] CEO In Action
  11. [page] CV Mistakes
  12. [picture] Calling In Sick
  13. [page] Career In Law Enforcement
  14. [page] Casual Day Memos
  15. [picture] Casual Day At Work
  16. [picture] Checking Your Desk
  17. [picture] Coke And Pepsi
  18. [page] Commuting For Beginners
  19. [page] Company Policies
  20. [picture] Complain 001
  21. [picture] Complain 002
  22. [picture] Complain 003
  23. [picture] Complain 004
  24. [picture] Complain 005
  25. [page] Computer Engineer
  26. [page] Consultant
  27. [page] Corporate Astrology
  28. [page] Corporate Envelope Solution
  29. [page] Corporate Lessons
  30. [page] Corporate Philanthropy-Misanthropy Ratio Holding Steady
  31. [page] Dear Bank Manager,
  32. [page] Dentist
  33. [page] Diary Of A Federal Employee
  34. [page] Differences Between You And Your Boss
  35. [page] Dress As An IRS Agent For Halloween
  36. [page] Economic Theory Of Women
  37. [page] Engineer And Manager
  38. [page] Evolution Of Product Documentation
  39. [page] Fight Office Boredom!
  40. [page] First Men In Tights And Then Men In Ties
  41. [page] Generation X Office Lingo
  42. [page] Get Email Notifications From NetMind When This Page Is Updated
  43. [page] Healthy Competition
  44. [page] How I Made A Fortune
  45. [picture] How Rumours Start In The Office
  46. [page] How To Attend A Meeting
  47. [page] How To Enhance The Manager-Employee Relationship
  48. [page] How To Handle A Difficult Customer
  49. [page] How To Interpret A Job Advertisement
  50. [page] How To Interpret A Resume
  51. [page] How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity In The Workplace
  52. [page] How To Not Get A Job
  53. [page] How To Recognize A Company Car
  54. [picture] How To Save Your Job
  55. [picture] How To Sleep At Work Without Being Caught
  56. [page] How To Write A Bulletin
  57. [page] Human Resource Guidebook
  58. [page] ID Ten T
  59. [page] Ideal Job Requirements
  60. [page] Interview Tips
  61. [page] Job Application
  62. [page] Job Application Question
  63. [page] Journalists And The Stock Market
  64. [page] Lawyers Never Ask A Witness
  65. [page] Lawyers Stupid Question
  66. [page] Letter Of Recommendation
  67. [page] Management Definitions
  68. [page] Management Theory
  69. [page] Managing Director
  70. [page] Marketing
  71. [picture] Matador Is In A Big Trouble
  72. [page] Mistake
  73. [page] Money
  74. [page] Mr Rogers In The Nuclear Neighborhood
  75. [page] Net Snoop
  76. [page] New Company Policy
  77. [page] Occupational Descriptions
  78. [picture] Office Life
  79. [picture] Organization Chart Birds Version
  80. [page] Organizational Theory -- Corporate Rowing
  81. [picture] Over 30 And Below 30 Employees
  82. [page] Pilot
  83. [picture] Positions And Their Responsibilities
  84. [page] Prison Life Vs A Full-Time Job
  85. [page] Prison Vs Work
  86. [page] Pro Complainer Shares Secrets
  87. [picture] Project Illustrated
  88. [page] Project Manager
  89. [picture] Project Phases
  90. [page] Rejection Rejection Letter
  91. [page] Resume Tips
  92. [page] Rules For Frequent Flyers
  93. [page] Rush Job Calendar
  94. [page] Same Doctor Please
  95. [page] Smart Thinker
  96. [page] Someday, Somehow
  97. [page] Superior Customer Service Relations
  98. [page] Surgeons
  99. [page] Surgeons Talking About Patients
  100. [page] TV Dads: Who Brings Home How Much Bacon?
  101. [page] Taxi Driver
  102. [page] Telemarketing
  103. [page] The Afterlife
  104. [page] The American Dream
  105. [page] The Barber
  106. [page] The Electrical Engineer Versus The Programmer
  107. [page] The Future Of Advertising
  108. [page] The Postman
  109. [page] The Purchase
  110. [page] The Six Phases Of Every Project
  111. [page] The Truth About Investments
  112. [page] The Worst Job
  113. [page] Things Noted On Real Resumes
  114. [page] Thoughts On Banking
  115. [page] Tips From Secretaries To Managers: Enhancing The Relationship
  116. [page] Top Ten Ways To Get Fired
  117. [page] True Stories Of The Doctors
  118. [page] Truth In Seminars
  119. [page] Understanding Engineers
  120. [page] Vision Problems At Work
  121. [page] Vocational Vacation Spots
  122. [page] Watch What You Ask For
  123. [page] Ways To Amuse Yourself During A Business Trip
  124. [picture] Why Arent You Working
  125. [page] Will Work For Food
  126. [picture] You Can Never Win