Administratum: A Chemical Analysis

Administratum

Physicists at Harwell have discovered the heaviest element
known to science, named Administratum. The new element has no
protons or electrons, and has an atomic number of zero.
However, it does have one neutron, eight assistant neutrons,
ten executive neutrons, 35 vice neutrons and 258 assistant
vice neutrons.

Administratum has an atomic mass of 311=, since the neutron
is only detectable half of the time. Its 312 particles are
held together by a force which involves the continuous
exchange of meson-like particles, called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratum is completely inert.
Nevertheless, its presence can be detected because it impedes
every reaction with which it comes into contact. One
experiment, which should have lasted only a few days, is
still running after 2= years due to the addition of just one
milligramme of Administratum.

It is weakly active, and has a normal half-life of
approximately six months. After this time, it does not
actually decay, but undergoes a metamorphosis in which
assistant neutrons, executive neutrons, vice neutrons and
assistant vice neutrons exchange places. This almost
invariably leads to an increase in atomic weight, hence it is
self-sustaining.

Although it occurs widely, Administratum tends to concentrate
around large corporations, research laboratories and
government departments. It can especially be found in
recently re-organised sites, and there is reason to believe
that it is heavily involved in the processes of deforestation
and global warming.

It should be remembered that Administratum is known to be
toxic at all concentrations, and can easily destroy any
productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate.
Numerous attempts have been made to determine how
Administratum can be controlled to prevent irreversible
damage, but results to date are not promising.