What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?

A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the post office. Suddenly, he
feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The
lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"I'm a chiropractor says the man. I'm just keeping in practice while
I'm waiting in line."

"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of
me."

What do you get when you cross a corrupt lawyer with a crooked
politician?
Chelsea Clinton.

A good lawyer knows the law; a great lawyer knows the judge.

He meets Satan, who says, "You are supposed to be in heaven, because
you spent your life defending the rights of those who sought justice."

And so the lawyer went to Heaven.

At that same moment, a High School guidance counselor died and went to
Hell.

He meets Satan, who says, "How many kids did you fuck in the head, you
screwy freak? Would you like the "vultures eating your insides" or
the"non-vultures eating your insides" section? We also have an opening
in the boiling cauldron of oil. It's a favorite."

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his
office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he got out, a truck passed too close and tore off the door on the
driver's side.

The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within
minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer
started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up
the day before, was now completely ruined no matter what the body shop
did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the
officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can not believe how materialistic you lawyers are," the cop said.
"You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything
else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don''t you know that your left arm is missing from
the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex!"

What do you call an honest lawyer?

An oxymoron.

Q: What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad?

A: Senator.

Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in
sand?

A: Not enough sand.

What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger, the other is
just a fish.

Why was the lawyer skimming the Bible right before he died?
He was looking for loopholes!

"I have good news and bad news," the defense lawyer says to his
client.

"What's the bad news?"

The lawyer says, "Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder
scene."

"Dammit!" cries the client. "What's the good news?"

"Well," the lawyer says, "Your cholesterol is down to 140."

Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window
seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a
physician got on and took the aisle seat next to the two attorneys.

The physician kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling
in when the attorney in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and
get a Coke."

"No problem," said the physician, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the attorneys picked up the physician shoe
and spat in it.

When he returned with the Coke, the other attorney said, "That looks
good, think I'll have one too."

Again, the physician obligingly went to fetch it and while he was
gone, the other attorney picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The
Physician returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As
the plane was landing, the Physician slipped his feet into his shoes
and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked.

"This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?"

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?

A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

What can a goose do that a duck can't but a lawyer should?
Shove its bill up its ass!

Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?

A: Lipstick.

Q: What can a goose do, that a duck can't do and a lawyer should do?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.

Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?

A: About three pounds, including the urn.

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a
timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following
agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The
Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light
Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the
party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the
current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed
upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise
illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through
the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living
area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spill-over
illumination being at the option of the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between
the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but
not be limited to, the following steps:

The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation
at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other
means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a
counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said
grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every
possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain
the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb),
notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second
part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed
upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties
stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to
perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be
held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement
is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil
(counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part
(Lawyer) throughout.

Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the
party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of
the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with
all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the
first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of
the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation
shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures
described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to
note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said
direction also being non-negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the
party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part
(Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons
authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of
illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front
(north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for
the party of the fifth part.

It was so cold today I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own
pockets.

WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS

1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may
harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use
of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally
struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car
wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow
machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout 'whiplash', 'ambulance', or 'free
Perrier' for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW
dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills,
prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of
courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars,
ambulances, or hospitals.
9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a
felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department
inspection for rabies, and vermin.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a
reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident
victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting
attorneys.

BAG LIMITS
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 1
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only)3
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2
6. Honest Attorney EXTINCT
7. Cut-throat 2
8. Back-stabbing Whiner 2
9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2
10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY
11. Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian 7

Q: Why does the bar association prohibit lawyers and clients from
having sex?

A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same
service.

A doctor notices a sidewalk stand that says 'brains for sale.' He
goes over to investigate and sees a sign that says 'Doctor brains
$8.00 a pound' and another sign that says `Paramedic brains $12.00 a
pound, Nurses brains $30.00 a pound, truck driver $40.00 a pound and
lawyers brains $90.00 a pound.'
So he asks the man behind the cashregister, "how come his brains are
only worth 8.00 and a lawyer's worth 90.00?"
The man replies, "do you know how many lawyers it takes to make a
pound of brains?"

A guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer."
The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week."
The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, "I want to
speak to my lawyer." Once again the receptionist replies, "I'm sorry,
but your lawyer died last week."

The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say,
"I want to speak to my lawyer." "Excuse me sir," the receptionist
says, "but this is third time I've had to tell you that your lawyer
died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy replies, "Because I
love hearing it!"

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
A: Your honor.

What's the definition of lawyer?

The larval form of a politician.

A lawyer lies dying, his partner of 40 years by his bedside. "Jack,
I've got to confess. I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years
and I'm the father of your daughter, Hillary. On top of that, I've
been stealing from the firm for a decade." "Relax," says Jack, "and
don't think another thing about it. I'm the one who put arsenic in
your martini."

Q: Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?

A: Because people could not tell which side to spit on.

What do a lawyer and a sperm have in common?

Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.

What''s the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Wings.

How do you get a lawyer down from a tree?
Cut the rope.

A man walks into a bar and he's really pissed. The bartender gives
him a drink and asks what the problem is. All he says is, "All lawyers
are assholes."

A man sitting in the corner shouts, "I take offense to that!"

The pissed-off guy asks him, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"

He replies, "No, I'm an asshole."

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?
A: A hooker will stop trying to screw you once you''re dead.

A snake and a lawyer both got hit by a car. What's the difference
between em?

The snake had skid marks in front of him.

Q: What can a goose do, that a duck can't do and a lawyer should do?

A: Stick his bill up his ass.

Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?

A: Their personalities.

Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?

A: Their personalities.

95% of all lawyers give the rest a bad name!

Hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?

It's called, Sosumi.

Q: What is the definition "lucky break?"
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

What do you call one lawyer thrown off a bridge into a river?
Pollution.
What do you call all the lawyers thrown off a bridge?
Solution.

Why do you need only two pallbearers at a lawyer's funeral?
There are only two handles on a garbage can.

Q: Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Why have scientists started using lawyers for experiments instead of
rats? They don't become so attached to the lawyers.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw a light bulb?
A: One but it has to have a good case.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Four: one to climb the ladder, one to hold the ladder, one to shake
the ladder and one to sue the ladder company.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a
timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following
agreement. Whereas the party of the first part, also known as 'the
lawyers' and the party of the second part, also known as 'the light
bulb' do hereby agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second
part (light bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a
result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the
lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination ofthe area ranging
from the front (North) door, through the entryway, terminating at an
area just through the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning
of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the
party of the second part (light bulb) and not required by the
aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned
removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the
following steps:
1. The party of the first part (lawyer) shall, with or without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or
any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part
(light bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (light bulb) in a
counter clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said
grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (light bulb)
shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (lawyer) to
maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part
(light bulb), notwithstanding the aformentioned failure of the party
of the second part (light bulb) to perform the customary and agreed
upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties
stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part
(light bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to
perform and in such case the party of the first part (lawyer) shall be
held blameless for such structural failure insofar as the
non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by
the party of the first part (lawyer) throughout.
2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (light
bulb) becomes seperated from the party of the third part
('receptacle'), the party of the first part shall have the option of
disposing of the party of the second part (light bulb) in a manner
consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.
3. Once seperation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the
first part (lawyer) shall have the option of beginning the
installation of the party of the fourth part ('new light bulb'). This
installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse
procedures described in step one of this self same document, being
careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise
direction, said direction also being non-negotiable and only until the
party of the fourth part (new light bulb) becomes snug in the party of
the third part (receptacle) and in fact becomes the party of the
second part (light bulb).
Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the
party of the first part (lawyer), by said party of the first part
(lawyer), or by his or her heirs and assigns, or by any and all
persons authorized by him or her to do som the objective being to
produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the
aforementioned front (North) door consistent with maximisation of
ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as
'The Firm'.

Two lawyers are walking down the street, when a beautiful woman
walks by.
"Boy, I'd like to screw her," says one lawyer.
"I agree," says the other.

"But out of what?"

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?

A: Depends on how thin you slice them.

How come you can't find lawyers sunbathing on the beach?

Cats keep covering them over with sand.

How are lawyers like whores?

They both get paid to screw people.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q: You are stuck in an elevator with a tiger, a lion and a lawyer.
You have a gun with just two bullets in it. What do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice to make sure he''s dead.

How can you tell when a lawyer is about to lie?
His lips start moving.

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the rates.

"Fifty dollars for three questions, " replied the lawyer.

"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.

"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

Two lawyers, Jon and Amanpreet, head out for their usual 9 holes of
golf. Jon offers Amanpreet a $50 bet. Amanpreet agrees and they're
off. They shoot a great game. After the 8th hole, Amanpreet is ahead
by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

''Help me find my ball. Look over there,'' he says to Jon. After a few
minutes, neither has any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four point
penalty, Amanpreet secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it
to the ground. ''I've found my ball!'' he announces.

''After all of the years we've been partners and playing together,"
Jon says, "you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?''

''What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!''

''And you're a liar, too!'' Jon says. ''I'll have you know I've been
STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!''

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there
were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his
surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long
line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands
and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable
chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me
so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you
billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years
old!"

Two smart, attractive, well-educated young law graduates, Sally and
Edith, were competing for a prestigious job.
As part of the job interview, each was asked why she wanted the job.
Edith answered that she wanted to work for a firm with a reputation of
being concerned with truth and justice.

When it was her turn, Sally simply opened her purse, took out a rather
thin wallet and laid it on the senior partners desk. I want to fatten
it up as fast as possible, she said. Sally got the job.

How many lawyers does it take to plaster a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw them.

Q. How many lawyer jokes are there?

A. Three...the rest are all true.

What's the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?

The rooster clucks defiance.

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk
are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a
hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?

A: The old drunk, of course; the other three don't exist.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

What's the difference between a lawyer and an amoeba?
One wears a tie.

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead
lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Why is the N.I.H. (National Institute of Health) substituting rats
with lawyers for lab tests?
Three reasons:
1. There are more lawers then rats.
2. When rats die many lab techies feel bad for them.
3. There are some things a rat will not do.

Q: What do you have when a lawyer's buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative
defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few
trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you
can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the
defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or
not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyer's assistance, he detached
his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.

Three lawyers died and went to hell. Satan told them, "If you can
climb these 100 stairs I will free you and send you back to earth."
The first guy made 38 stairs and Satan said, "What was your daddy when
you were alive?" ''He was a candlemaker,'' responded the lawyer. So
Satan burned off the guy's dick. The second guy made 58 stairs. Satan
said, "What was your daddy when you were alive?" The lawyer answered,
''he was a ropemaker.'' So Satan ripped off the guy's dick with a
rope. The third guy made 99 stairs. Satan said, "What was your daddy
when you were alive?" The lawyer smiled and said, ''He made lollipops
-- you can suck it if you wanna.''

When do you know a lawyer is telling the truth?
When his lips are shut.

A lawer just got home from work. As he stepped out of his BMW, a
speeding car ripped off the door. As the lawyer jumped up and down
cussing and swearing, a cop who was driving by stopped. He rolled down
the window and said, "What's wrong?"

The lawyer replied, "That idiot, speeding down the street, ripped off
my BMW's door!"

The cop said, "You lawyers make me sick. You worry too much about your
possesions. If you weren't blinded by greed, you would notice that
your arm got ripped off!"

"Oh no!" cried the lawyer, "My Rolex!"

A dying man gathered his best friends - a lawyer, doctor and
clergyman - at his bedside and handed each of them an envelope
containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his
death and during his repose, they would place the three envelops in
his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy
the next life.

A week later the man died. At the wake, the lawyer and doctor and
clergyman each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old
client and friend farewell.

By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the clergyman,
feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only
$10,000 in the envelope he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than
waste all the money, he would send it to a mission in South America.
He asked for their forgiveness.

The doctor, moved by the gentle Clergyman's sincerity, confessed that
he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The
envelope, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said he too could not
bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used
to benefit others.

By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He
expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of
his oldest and most trusted friends. "I am the only one who kept my
promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope
I placed in the coffin contained the full amount.

The other men looked down in embarrassment and the lawyer continued,
"Indeed, only I honored the deathbed wishes of our great friend. My
envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000."

Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died
that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?

They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk lying in the road and
a dead lawyer lying in the road?

A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

A man is at his laywer's funeral and and is suprised by the turnout
for this one man. He turns to the people around him. "Why are you all
at this man's funeral?"
A man turns towards him and says, "We're all clients."
"And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching."
"No, we came to make sure he was dead."

Why does New Jersey have all the toxic waste dumps and California
has all the lawyers?

Because New Jersey got first pick!!

A teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the same freak accident.
So when they reach the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that,
unfortunately, heaven is overcrowded, so they each have to answer a
question correctly for admission.

The teacher is first, and St. Peter asks, Name the famous ship that
was sunk by an iceberg?

Phew, that one's easy, says the teacher, The Titanic.

Alright, said St.Peter, you may pass.

Then the thief got his question: How many died on the Titanic?

The thief replied, That's a toughy, but fortunately I just saw the
movie. The answer is 1500 people. And so he passed through.

Last, St. Peter gave the lawyer his question: Name them.

The pope and a lawyer are on the elevator to heaven. When they
arrive at the gates, there's a mad rush of angels, saints, and other
holy people on their way to greet them.

When they arrive, they pick the lawyer up on their shoulders and carry
him off cheering hysterically. The pope is deeply saddened.

St. Peter sees this and goes over to him and says, "Don't feel bad. We
get popes in here all the time, it's not every day we get a lawyer."

There was this lawyer who drove his shiny new Lexus to work one day.
He parked it right down in front of the firm where he worked to show
it off to all his lawyer buddies. As he got out, this truck
side-swiped the door and ripped it right off.

The driver stopped and ran to the lawyer saying "Are you alright, are
you alright?"

The lawyer, now furious, started to scream and berate the driver.
"What the hell do you think you are doing? This is my brand new
Lexus...Ya know I am a lawyer and I am going to sue you for all you
are worth!"

Then a policeman ran up to the scene and said to the lawyer, "Calm
down! You lawyers are so materialistic it's disgusting! Don't you
know, when that truck ripped your door off, it took your arm with it?"

The lawyer looked down and saw his left arm missing and said "Oh, God,
. . . my ROLEX!"

What's the difference between a trampoline and a lawyer?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

What Did A Lawyer Name His Daughter?

Sue!!

What do a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
They both hope to be human someday.

What do you call Satan and a lawyer?
Twins!

What happens when a lawyer takes viagra?

They grow taller.