Cunning Chinese scientists invented fireworks centuries
before Francis Scott Key wrote the Star Spangled Banner. Their favorite little
sparkler was a plunder-triggered land mine known as "Underground
Sky-Soaring Thunder." Anyone that plucked up the plunder got triggered sky
high on a wave of thunder.
Floating marine mines were invented by the Chinese in
the 14th century, using inflated ox bladders. In this century they have
cunningly invented marine "Smart" Mines too, mines smart enough to
border on the brilliant.
Actually, they extend a little beyond the border.
Chinese Smart Mines can tell the difference between Carriers and Love Boats.
They can even spot the X in the plosion where the damage would be the most exasperating.
That's pretty sophisticated for a government that pays people to cut grass with
stainless steel scissors.
Smart Mines are dangerous even if they don't get loose
into the open sea. Recent history tells us that just 1,000 Iraqi sea mines
decided military strategists against an amphibious invasion in Desert Storm, and
Hussein is so far behind the times that he still uses goats to keep the grass
trimmed.
The Pentagon doesn't need my advice on how to trim
grass on the Carriers. But obviously my skills are required by the grass-roots
politicians who are just blowing hot smoke when it comes to defending us from a
Chinese invasion.
"Whoa, come on now, their sam-pans would never
make it across the ocean in one piece!"
You are right to be so sarcastic of course, which is
why their Smart Mines are designed to let Love Boats in -- and out. Love Boats
haul in chicken parts, Rice Krispies, and computer chips. Then the Love Boats
haul out scissors, wrenches, and fireworks for our use.
Sending us their War Surplus scissors is just a
friendly deception. It is those innocuous firecrackers that are carrying the
Real Invaders.
"For crying out loud, how many chinamen do you
believe can be hiding in a little bitty firecracker?"
I admit, the number is probably less than one. 
But let's face facts here.  During the 50th
anniversary of their revolution Beijing officials firmly announced development
of a helicopter the size of a wasp for its reconnaissance missions.  That
is positive proof of their powers of miniaturization.
Compare those powers to the best us can do: personified
in Lockheed's MicroStar.  It has only a six-inch wingspan and can do a
20-minute mission at speeds of up to 30 mph while relaying back a video signal. 
In Europe the Mainz Institute for micro technology has clearly shown that
experimental wasp-sized craft can really fly.  Obviously Beijing is ahead
of us in micro-electro-mechanical technology, the very same method used to
manufacture those tiny little microchips.
"Okay, so they are better than us.   So
what?"
You've heard of the French Connection?
Well, think of this as the Crabgrass Connection:
No.  They are not sending Chinese midgets over
here inside their firecrackers; The plot is far more sinister than that.
I believe they are infiltrating our shores with Chinese
Crabgrass.
Americans told them how to do it, of course. For years
now our scientists have used four-legged Johnny Appleseeds to help restore our
home on the range.
They do it by feeding cattle little gelatin capsules
filled with native grass seeds. A Department of Agriculture plant geneticist
indicates that as many as 55,000 seeds can be hidden in a single capsule!
These grass-loaded capsules pass through the kine in a
few days and plop out in a patty of pure fertilize, miles and miles away. The
sun opens the package, and the winds of nature broadcast the rest.

Chinese Fireworks don't have to wait on the wind to
spread their seeds.
A blast, poof,
and who's to even notice the tatters floating down?

Evidence supporting my belief in the Crabgrass
Connection is pretty damning: With 628,000,000 pounds of herbicide being used in
the United States every year, some of the crabgrass ought to be disappearing.
But you know as well as I do, you have more crabgrass in your yard than ever.
You can smell those seeds coming from somewhere, and it isn't Denmark.
When is the last time you bought a firecracker that was
not made in China? The fact is, last year we bought over 79,000,000 pounds of
fireworks from Communist China, miniaturizing champion of the world.
Is there any way to check all of them for that
sprinkling of Chinese Crabgrass seeds?
Indeed, are ANY of these firecrackers checked
thoroughly?
Any country that would sow the seas with Smart Mines
would sow our sod with crabgrass with even less scruples showing. And they would
not hesitate a second just because we shoot off their fireworks on New Year's
Eve and the 4th of July, either.
That is twice a year (once before crabgrass germination
time and once during the flowering season) that we explode their little caches
in displays of ecstatic loyalty right
over the top of our Nation's Capital.
{With every blast the seeds of destruction are being
scattered all over Washington. Why some of that crabgrass must fall right on the
White House lawn itself.} Meanwhile, all the evidence is blown sky-high by our
own hands in dazzling bursts of star spangled affection.
The state capitols and other large cities are scarcely
less ecstatic with their displays.
From shore to shining shore, 98% of the
fireworks we import from China is exploded in less than eight hour bursts. If
just one cracker in a thousand is popping with half a load of Chinese Crabgrass
it is easy to explain why we now need second-rate scissors from China more than
they do!