- To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary.
I've
wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went
to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.... - You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who
makes people happy, but inside he's real sad.
Also, he has severe
diarrhea.... - Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to
calm myself down.
I'll go over to the person's house and ring the
doorbell.... - I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those really high
notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
- If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him
is "God is crying.
And if he asks why God is crying, another
cute thing to tell him is "probably because of something you did.... - One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to
take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old
burned-out warehouse.
Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned
dow... - When I was a kid, my favourite relative was Uncle Caveman.
After school
we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in awhile he would eat one
of us.... - In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should
automatically disqualify you.
- When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed
it.
Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on
the back and said, "Hey, good job.... - Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack
in the ground, and if it opens wider, go "Whoa!
Whoa!" and flail
your arms around, like you're going to fall in....
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