Your annual breast exam is conducted at Hooters.
The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
The only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is "An apple a day."
Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
"The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.
The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
With your last HMO, your Prozac didn't come in different colors with little "M"s on them.
You ask for Viagra; you get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
Exam room has a tip jar.
You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument
tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.
The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.
Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.
Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you
enter the trailer park,"
24-hour pre-authorization line is 1-800-GUD-LUCK.
Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.