Bandersnatch Guide on How to Live Forever
by Hugh Holub
from Frumious Bandersnatch
Americans are obsessed with their health. If you eat right, quit
smoking, exercise a lot, you won't have heart attacks, get cancer, and
live well into your 90's. It is, one should think, theoretically
possible to live forever... if you live right.
The problem is that all this attention to diet and exercise doesn't
eliminate all the risks of mortality.
The medical staff at the General Delivery University has compiled a list
of things to do or not do that will significantly increase your life
AVOID LIGHTNING: A person has a better chance of being killed by
lightning, than many other risks. Stay inside, or in your car, when
lightning is near.
DON'T PLAY GOLF DURING THUNDERSTORMS: Many lightning victims are killed
on golf courses. It is safer to stay in the country club bar and drink
than to go out on the course during a thunderstorm.
DON'T GET STUCK WAITING FOR A TRAIN TO PASS: Trains carry all kinds of
nasty toxic chemicals. Should a train derail and you are too close, you
could be toast. Avoid getting near trains.
AVOID PEANUT BUTTER: It is a little known fact that eating one peanut
butter sandwich carries more risk of fatal consequences than drinking
water with 5 parts per billion TCE in it for 70 years.
AVOID METEOR SHOWERS: In the same probability range of dying from
cancer caused by drinking water with TCE in it at federal drinking water
quality standards as getting hit by a meteorite. Stay inside during
DON'T DRIVE: Over 50,000 Americans are killed annually in automobile
accidents. If you don't even get into a car, you significantly improve
your chances of eternal life.
DON'T FLY: While it is well-known that it is much safer to fly than to
drive, why take any chances?
AVOID IMMERSING YOURSELF IN WATER: Hundreds of people drown every
year. Don't go into the water. Not even to bathe.
DRINK THE WATER: Oddly enough, one of the safer things you can do in
America is drink tap water.
STAY INSIDE DURING THE DAY: Skin cancer is becoming a major health
risk. Caused by exposure to sunlight, the best solution is to stay
inside during daylight hours.
CHECK YOUR HOUSE FOR RADON: Obviously, staying inside your home as much
as possible is a safe bet -- as long as your home isn't filled with
NO CONTACT WITH ELECTRICITY: Many people are electrocuted in stupid
accidents while trying to do routine things like fix a broken light
switch. Turn off your electricity permanently, and there won't be any
GET RID OF YOUR GUNS: More Americans are shot by their own guns than by
guns owned by strangers. A gunless home is a safer home.
NO NATURAL GAS OR FOSSIL FUEL HEATING OR COOKING SYSTEMS: People
accidentally asphyxiate themselves every year by forgetting to turn of
gas appliances, or because of improperly vented heating systems. You'll
have to cook over a fire, and it'll be cold in the winter, but heck --
people survived for millions of years without stoves or central
heating. It is best to build your cooking fires outside, otherwise you
could get lung cancer from the woodsmoke.
EMPTY OUT YOUR HOME: Many fatalities are caused by home accidents --
such as falling off a ladder or tripping over a rug. Get rid of all
your furniture, rugs and appliances. An empty house is a safe house.
EAT ONLY NATURAL FOODS: Grow your own vegetables, and hunt for your own
meat. Many backyards have abundant quantities of small animals and
birds to hunt.
DRESS IN NATURAL FIBERS AND FUR: While it may not be politically
correct to kill animals for their fur, there is an underutilized supply
of dog and cat pelts available from your local animal shelter.
Functional garments can also be created from straw and cardboard.
MINIMIZE CONTACT WITH STRANGERS: It is a well-known fact that many
fatal diseases are passed from one stranger to another in public places.
INCREASE YOUR PHYSICAL ACTIVITY: If you follow the previous
suggestions, you will undoubtedly work a lot harder, cutting your own
fire wood, hunting rodents and sparrows with rocks, and hiding from
CONCLUSION: While your lifestyle may end up resembling that of a cave
person, you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you've done
everything possible to live forever, and, as a bonus, you will no longer
be contributing to global warming, and you will be living in harmony
with the natural environment.