Anvari.org

Cost Saving Memo

Cost Saving Memo



Memorandum

To: All Hospital Employees

From: Administration

Effective immediately, this hospital will no longer provide security.
Each Charge Nurse will be issued with a .38 caliber revolver and 12
rounds of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the
pharmacy. In addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will
patrol the hospital grounds 3 times each shift. In light of the
similarity of monitoring equipment, the Critical Care Units will now
assume security surveillance duties. The unit secretary will be
responsible for watching cardiac and security monitors, as well as
continuing previous secretarial duties.

Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need
to let their families know to bring them something, or make arrangements
with Subway, Dominos, Wendy's, or another outside food preparation
facility, prior to mealtime. Coin-operated telephones will be available
in the patient rooms for this purpose, as well as for calls the patient
may wish to make.

Housekeeping and Physical Therapy are being combined. Mops will be
issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range of
motion exercise, as well as a clean environment. Families and ambulatory
patients may also register to clean the room of non-ambulatory patients
for discounts on their bill. Time cards will be provided to those
registered.

Nursing Administration is assuming the grounds keeping duties. If a
Nursing Supervisor cannot be reached by phone or beeper, it is
suggested to listen for the sound of the lawn mower, weed eater,
or leaf blower.

Engineering will also be eliminated. The Hospital has subscribed to the
Time-Life series of "How to..." maintenance books. These books may be
checked out from Administration. Also, a toolbox of standard equipment
will be issued to all Nursing Units. We will be receiving the volumes at
a rate of one per month, and have received the volume on basic wiring.
If a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to repair it as best as
possible until that particular volume arrives.

Cutbacks in Phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only performing
blood-related laboratory studies on patients already bleeding.

Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than two (2)
X-rays per patient per stay. This is due to the turn-around time
required by the local Photmat. Two prints will be provided for the price
of one and physicians are encouraged to clip coupons from the Sunday
paper if more prints are desired. Photomat will also honor competitors
coupons for one-hour processing in an emergency. If employees come
across any coupons, they are encouraged to clip them and send them to
the Emergency Room.

In light of the extremely hot summer temperatures, the local Electric
Company has been asked to install individual meters in each patient room
so that electrical consumption can be monitored and appropriately
billed. Fans may be rented or purchased in the Gift Shop.

In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for the collection
of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each floor. Families,
patients and the few remaining staff are encouraged to contribute
discarded produce. The resulting moldy compost will be utilized by the
pharmacy for nosocomial production of antibiotics. These antibiotics
will be available for purchase though the hospital pharmacy, and will,
coincidentally, soon be the only antibiotics listed in the hospital's
formulary.

Although these cutbacks and changes may appear drastic on the surface,
the Administration feels that over time we will all benefit from this
latest cost cutting measures.




More Medical

  1. [page] 1st Aid
  2. [page] 23rd Psalm For Psychiatrists
  3. [page] 2 Drops Every 4 Hours
  4. [page] 90 Year Old And The Doctor
  5. [page] A Brief Visit To The Doctor
  6. [page] A Code Of Ethical Behavior For Patients
  7. [page] A Few New Doctors Remarks On Patient Charts
  8. [page] A Med Student S Guess
  9. [page] A Medical Funeral
  10. [page] A Short History Of Medicine
  11. [page] A Doctor Is Walking Down The Street And Sees
  12. [page] A Lady Walks Into Her Doctors Office
  13. [page] Advice For Pre-meds
  14. [page] All Nurses Go To Heaven
  15. [page] Ask The Doctor
  16. [page] At The Baseball Game
  17. [page] Bandersnatch Liveforever
  18. [page] Cages Cancer Rats
  19. [page] Cheaper Than A Doctor
  20. [page] Cost Healthcare
  21. [page] Cost Saving Memo
  22. [page] Creative Medical Terms
  23. [page] Death Scandal
  24. [page] Dentist Visit
  25. [page] Doc-isms
  26. [page] Docs Out Hunting
  27. [page] Doctor Demented
  28. [page] Doctor Doctor
  29. [page] Doctor Doctor Gimme The News
  30. [page] Doctor Howards Bedside Manner
  31. [page] Doctor Says I Have A Nice
  32. [page] Doctors Appointment
  33. [page] Doctors Magic Finger
  34. [page] Doctors Nurses Lightbulbs
  35. [page] Doctors Orders
  36. [page] Don T Anger The Nurse
  37. [page] Dr Doctor
  38. [page] EMS FAQs
  39. [page] ER Tales
  40. [page] Emergency Department Ping Pong
  41. [page] Ethical Patient Behavior
  42. [page] Experimental Pills
  43. [page] Flu Strong Enough Hercules
  44. [page] Gingko Viagra
  45. [page] Graduate Nurses Versus Experienced Nurses
  46. [page] HMO CEO
  47. [page] HMO Friendship
  48. [page] HMO Music
  49. [page] HMO No Docs
  50. [page] He Is Not That Sick
  51. [page] Heart Attack
  52. [page] Heaven Hmo
  53. [page] History Of Voices In Your Head
  54. [page] Hospital Memo
  55. [page] Hospitals Minijokes
  56. [page] Hotline
  57. [page] Hungry Baby
  58. [page] Is It Serious
  59. [page] Kemosabe Waters The Bushes
  60. [page] Kids Play Doctor
  61. [page] Life In Hypochondria
  62. [page] Looking For A Cure For Cancer
  63. [page] Marketing Slogans For Viagra
  64. [page] Math Quiz For The Emergency Department Staff
  65. [page] Media Opinions
  66. [page] Medical Breakthrough
  67. [page] Medical Report Blunders
  68. [page] Medical Specialists
  69. [page] Medical Surgical
  70. [page] Medical Truths
  71. [page] Mental Illness Of The Month Club
  72. [page] More Drugs In Development
  73. [page] Murphys Law Of EMS
  74. [page] New Drug Names
  75. [page] Not What The Doctor Ordered
  76. [page] Nurse Doctor Doctor Nurse
  77. [page] Obsession
  78. [page] Old Habits Die Hard
  79. [page] Old Wives Tales
  80. [page] Overheard At Medieval Medical School
  81. [page] Oy Of HMOs
  82. [page] Patient
  83. [page] Phobialist
  84. [page] Playing Doctor
  85. [page] Preparing For Your Hospital Experience
  86. [page] Psych Cure Oops
  87. [page] Psych Discussion
  88. [page] Psychiatric Medicine Still Dunno Causes
  89. [page] Psychiatrist Mom
  90. [page] Psychological Tests
  91. [page] Psychotherapist Business Troubles
  92. [page] Real Weird Medical Excuses
  93. [page] Rosenberg Thepediatrician
  94. [page] Russian Doctor For The TransGendered
  95. [page] Santa Case Report
  96. [page] Signs You May Be Suffering From Depression
  97. [page] Signs You Need A New Doctor
  98. [page] Smoke Sign
  99. [page] Smoking1000
  100. [page] South African Hospital
  101. [page] Such A Dilemma
  102. [page] The Dangers Of A Hot Bath
  103. [page] The Doctor
  104. [page] The Doctors Convention
  105. [page] The Doctors Little Voice
  106. [page] The Rules Of EMS
  107. [page] Things You Don T Want To Hear During Surgery
  108. [page] Think Of It This Way
  109. [page] Thirteen Thirteen Thirteen
  110. [page] Those Conceited Bastard Doctors
  111. [page] Three Surgeons
  112. [page] Tombstones Ins Hypo
  113. [page] Top 10 Signs You Need A New HMO
  114. [page] Types Of Doctors
  115. [page] Viruses Coming To Town
  116. [page] Welcome To The Psychiatric Hotline
  117. [page] What Doctors Say
  118. [page] While At Dentists Nytimes
  119. [page] Woman Begs Doctor
  120. [page] You Know You Ve Joined A Cheap New HMO When
  121. [page] You Might Be A Nurse If
  122. [page] You Might Be In The Health Care Field If
  123. [page] Your First Mammogram
  124. [page] Youre So Ugly Doctor 2
Retrieved from http://www.anvari.org/fun/Medical/Cost_Saving_Memo.html