Ethnic Japanese
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How courteous is the Japanese;
He always says, "Excuse it, please."
He climbs into his neighbor's garden.
And smiles, and says, "I beg your pardon;"
He bows and grins a friendly grin,
And calls his hungry family in;
He grins, and bows a friendly bow;
"So sorry, this my garden now."
--Ogden Nash
He always says, "Excuse it, please."
He climbs into his neighbor's garden.
And smiles, and says, "I beg your pardon;"
He bows and grins a friendly grin,
And calls his hungry family in;
He grins, and bows a friendly bow;
"So sorry, this my garden now."
--Ogden Nash
An Australian man was sitting in his favorite restaurant when a Japanese
bloke said to him, "I am sick of seeing your big round eyes."
The Australian replied, "Put on a blind fold."
The Japanese man asked, "Where do I get one?
The Australian then said, "Here take my shoe lace."
bloke said to him, "I am sick of seeing your big round eyes."
The Australian replied, "Put on a blind fold."
The Japanese man asked, "Where do I get one?
The Australian then said, "Here take my shoe lace."
The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race.
Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.
On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the
American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management
decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting
firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action.
The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one
person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people
steering.
After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the
consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were
rowing on the American team.
So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's
management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four
steering managers, three area steering managers and a new performance review
system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.
The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American
corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a
bonus for discovering the problem."
Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.
On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the
American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management
decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting
firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action.
The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one
person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people
steering.
After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the
consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were
rowing on the American team.
So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's
management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four
steering managers, three area steering managers and a new performance review
system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.
The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American
corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a
bonus for discovering the problem."
A Japanese exchange student sat in a science classroom, totally stumped at a
question on the final exam.
The question asked: "Give four advantages of breast milk."
What to write? He sighed, thinking he could not use personal experience.
Suddenly, he smiled, remembering some things he has overheard his mother say. He
wrote:
1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.
He still needed a fourth answer. He tried to put himself in the place of a
child, but that didn't work. Suddenly, he smiled again. He wrote as the final
answer:
4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.
He sat back, considering how proud his friends would be for their genius
friend who lived overseas.
The Polish were upset because of their bad reputation. A group of them got
together and approached a conference of Americans, Germans, and Japanese and
asked for help on this matter. An American replied, "You must do something
so the world will respect you. The Japanese are known for their technology and
the Germans are known for their resourcefulness. We Americans have had respect
since we helped win the World War against the other two. See, you need to do
something world-famous." A German added," Yes, he's right. Why don't
you find a place in this world in need of a bridge that no one has dared build,
build it, come back to us, and we will help publicize it."
With that, the Polish set off to build their bridge. They designed it and
worked 6 months and finally completed it. They then went back to report it to
the group. The bridge was a beautiful bridge but it had one flaw: it was erected
in the middle of the Sahara Desert. An American said, "No, no. See, that is
why you have your reputation. There is no need for a bridge in the middle of the
desert. Now go and dismantle it, and find a more strategic spot to erect
it."
The Polish returned to the conference in two weeks. One of the Japanese said,
"Two weeks! It only took you two weeks to dismantle that bridge and build a
new one??? That is amazing!!" To which a Polish man replied, "Well,
not exactly. When we returned to the bridge we couldn't dismantle it because
there were all these Italians fishing off it."
together and approached a conference of Americans, Germans, and Japanese and
asked for help on this matter. An American replied, "You must do something
so the world will respect you. The Japanese are known for their technology and
the Germans are known for their resourcefulness. We Americans have had respect
since we helped win the World War against the other two. See, you need to do
something world-famous." A German added," Yes, he's right. Why don't
you find a place in this world in need of a bridge that no one has dared build,
build it, come back to us, and we will help publicize it."
With that, the Polish set off to build their bridge. They designed it and
worked 6 months and finally completed it. They then went back to report it to
the group. The bridge was a beautiful bridge but it had one flaw: it was erected
in the middle of the Sahara Desert. An American said, "No, no. See, that is
why you have your reputation. There is no need for a bridge in the middle of the
desert. Now go and dismantle it, and find a more strategic spot to erect
it."
The Polish returned to the conference in two weeks. One of the Japanese said,
"Two weeks! It only took you two weeks to dismantle that bridge and build a
new one??? That is amazing!!" To which a Polish man replied, "Well,
not exactly. When we returned to the bridge we couldn't dismantle it because
there were all these Italians fishing off it."
There were three guys traveling in Africa, a Frenchman, a Japanese, and an
American. They are captured by a tribe of fierce headhunters. The witch doctor
says to them, "We are going to slaughter you, but you might take some
comfort in the fact that we don't believe in waste here, and that therefore
every part of your body will go to some use. We will weave baskets out of your
hair, we will render your bones for glue, and we will tan your skin and stretch
it over wooden frames for canoes. Now we are going to allow you an honorable
death, so I will give you each a knife and allow you to say some last words
before killing yourselves."
The Japanese guy yells "Banzai!" and commits hari-kari.
The French guy yells "Vive la France!" and slits his throat.
Then the American guy takes the knife, pokes holes all over his body, and
yells, "There's your fucking canoe!"
American. They are captured by a tribe of fierce headhunters. The witch doctor
says to them, "We are going to slaughter you, but you might take some
comfort in the fact that we don't believe in waste here, and that therefore
every part of your body will go to some use. We will weave baskets out of your
hair, we will render your bones for glue, and we will tan your skin and stretch
it over wooden frames for canoes. Now we are going to allow you an honorable
death, so I will give you each a knife and allow you to say some last words
before killing yourselves."
The Japanese guy yells "Banzai!" and commits hari-kari.
The French guy yells "Vive la France!" and slits his throat.
Then the American guy takes the knife, pokes holes all over his body, and
yells, "There's your fucking canoe!"
(UP) - Earlier this year, the dazed crew of a Japanese Trawler was plucked
out of the Sea of Japan clinging to the wreckage of their sunken ship.
Their rescue, however, was followed by immediate imprisonment once
authorities questioned the sailors on their ship's loss. To a man they claimed
that a cow, falling out of a clear blue sky, had struck the trawler amidships,
shattering it's hull and sinking the vessel within minutes.
They remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian Air Force
reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its cargo
planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a Siberian airfield,
forced the cow into the plane's hold and hastily taken off for home.
Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was ill-equipped to manage a now
rampaging cow within its hold. To save the aircraft and themselves, they shoved
the animal out of the cargo hold as they crossed the Sea of Japan at an altitude
of 30,000 feet.
out of the Sea of Japan clinging to the wreckage of their sunken ship.
Their rescue, however, was followed by immediate imprisonment once
authorities questioned the sailors on their ship's loss. To a man they claimed
that a cow, falling out of a clear blue sky, had struck the trawler amidships,
shattering it's hull and sinking the vessel within minutes.
They remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian Air Force
reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its cargo
planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a Siberian airfield,
forced the cow into the plane's hold and hastily taken off for home.
Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was ill-equipped to manage a now
rampaging cow within its hold. To save the aircraft and themselves, they shoved
the animal out of the cargo hold as they crossed the Sea of Japan at an altitude
of 30,000 feet.
Two Japanese businessmen are talking during their afternoon dip in the hot
baths at the Geisha house.
The first businessman says, "Hirokosan, I have
unpleasant news for you. Your wife is dishonoring you. I saw her the other night
and she was out with another man."
Hirokosan can't believe what he hears,
and asks for more information. "It is as I said, Hirokosan, and she is
doing it with a foreigner who appears to be of the Jewish faith."
Shocked,
Hirokosan goes home to confront his wife. He faces her and says, "I am told
that you are dishonoring me with a foreigner of the Jewish faith".
She
replies, "That's a lie! Where did you hear such meshugas?"
baths at the Geisha house.
The first businessman says, "Hirokosan, I have
unpleasant news for you. Your wife is dishonoring you. I saw her the other night
and she was out with another man."
Hirokosan can't believe what he hears,
and asks for more information. "It is as I said, Hirokosan, and she is
doing it with a foreigner who appears to be of the Jewish faith."
Shocked,
Hirokosan goes home to confront his wife. He faces her and says, "I am told
that you are dishonoring me with a foreigner of the Jewish faith".
She
replies, "That's a lie! Where did you hear such meshugas?"
A frustrated Japanese father vented, "When I was a youngster, I was
disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But in my son's room, he
has his own color TV, telephone, computer, and CD player."
"So what do you do?" asked his friend.
"I send him to MY room!" exclaimed the father.
disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But in my son's room, he
has his own color TV, telephone, computer, and CD player."
"So what do you do?" asked his friend.
"I send him to MY room!" exclaimed the father.
A businessman was in Japan to make a presentation to the Toyota motor people.
Needless to say, this was an especially important deal and it was imperative
that he make the best possible impression. On the morning of the presentation he
awoke to find himself uncontrollably passing gas in large volumes. Additionally,
the flatulence had the unpleasant characteristic of sounding like
"HONDA." The man was besides himself. Every few minutes
"HONDA", "HONDA".... What would the Toyota people think?
Unable to stop this aberrant behavior, and in desperate need to terminate these
odious and rather embarrassing emissions, he sought a physician's aid. After a
full examination, the doctor told him that there was nothing inherently wrong
with him and that he would just have to wait it out. Being unwilling to accept
this state of affairs he visited a second and then a third doctor all of whom
told him the same thing. Finally one medic suggested that he visit a dentist.
Well, although he could not see how a dentist was going to be of any help, he
visited one anyway.
Lo and behold, the dentist said, "Ah, there's the problem."
"What is it?" the man asked.
"Why you have an abscess," said the dentist.
"An abscess. How could that be causing my problem?" asked the man.
"That's easy," replied the dentist. "Everyone knows, abscess
makes the fart go Honda."
The Japanese people are said to have a great interest in Western things,
especially those from the United States. This can be used to our strategic
advantage to help solve our trade deficit with Japan.
We need to
export TV shows like ``Perry Mason'' and ``LA Law'' and ensure that they are
widely broadcasted. Once their children grow up wanting to become lawyers
they are finished!
especially those from the United States. This can be used to our strategic
advantage to help solve our trade deficit with Japan.
We need to
export TV shows like ``Perry Mason'' and ``LA Law'' and ensure that they are
widely broadcasted. Once their children grow up wanting to become lawyers
they are finished!
After the baby was born, the panicked Japanese father went to see the
obstetrician.
"Doctor," he said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little
upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife
both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the
gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "We're pure
Oriental."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do
you have sex?"
The man seemed ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year.
We only made love once or twice a month."
"There you have it!" the doctor said confidently. "It's just
rust."
obstetrician.
"Doctor," he said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little
upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife
both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the
gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "We're pure
Oriental."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do
you have sex?"
The man seemed ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year.
We only made love once or twice a month."
"There you have it!" the doctor said confidently. "It's just
rust."
Recent reports indicate the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of
improving. If anything, it's getting worse. Following last week's news that
Origami Bank had folded, it was today learned that Sumo Bank has gone belly up.
Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale
and is going for a song.
Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 jobs at Karate
Bank will be chopped. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at
Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.
There was once a Japanese businessman who was engaged in a particular
corporate meeting held in a particular business district in the Philippines. As
he stepped out of the airport, he hailed the local cab, board it and requested
his destination to be Manila Hotel. As the cab was attempting to make its way
out to the main road, a ramming and screeching sound was heard. Out passed a
Honda Civic CRX Turbo screaming away from the main junction. The Japanese
remarked. "Mmmm, Honda! Made in Japan, verri powerful. verri faast!!"
Some distance, a white executive sedan whoosh pass along side the cab a high
cruising speed. "Ahhh, Toyota! Also made in Japan, verri fasto. Also verri
good!, very faast" The cab-driver upon hearing the comments, look thru the
rear mirror and was quite resented over the Jap's proud attitude. At that moment
again, another car came ramming fast, overtaking and cutting every car ahead of
it. "Mmmm, Mitsubishi! Also Japan, also verri good, very fast. Mmmm!"
It was not long after reaching the designated hotel, the cab halted in front
of the lobby door, the cab-driver stared at the meter and proclaimed. "That
will be US$239.40, sir!"
"Nan desu-ka! What?", the Jap was astonished. "The airport
verrinear to hotel.
"Er, sir, this meter is NEC, made in Japan, very good and 'very faast'.
corporate meeting held in a particular business district in the Philippines. As
he stepped out of the airport, he hailed the local cab, board it and requested
his destination to be Manila Hotel. As the cab was attempting to make its way
out to the main road, a ramming and screeching sound was heard. Out passed a
Honda Civic CRX Turbo screaming away from the main junction. The Japanese
remarked. "Mmmm, Honda! Made in Japan, verri powerful. verri faast!!"
Some distance, a white executive sedan whoosh pass along side the cab a high
cruising speed. "Ahhh, Toyota! Also made in Japan, verri fasto. Also verri
good!, very faast" The cab-driver upon hearing the comments, look thru the
rear mirror and was quite resented over the Jap's proud attitude. At that moment
again, another car came ramming fast, overtaking and cutting every car ahead of
it. "Mmmm, Mitsubishi! Also Japan, also verri good, very fast. Mmmm!"
It was not long after reaching the designated hotel, the cab halted in front
of the lobby door, the cab-driver stared at the meter and proclaimed. "That
will be US$239.40, sir!"
"Nan desu-ka! What?", the Jap was astonished. "The airport
verrinear to hotel.
"Er, sir, this meter is NEC, made in Japan, very good and 'very faast'.
In Japan, Sony Vaio machines have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with their own Japanese haiku poetry.Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Web site you seek
Can not be located but
Countless more exist
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask way too much.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
Buy
Pearl Harbor DVD
from Amazon
Four corporate presidents, one English, one French, one Japanese and one
American, were on their way to an international business conference when they
were kidnapped by terrorists and taken to a secret hideout.
"You, your companies and your countries are enemies of the
Revolution," screamed the terrorist leader, "and you're going to be
executed! Do you have any last requests?"
The Englishman spoke first.
"Before I die, I want to honor my country and protest this barbaric act
by singing "God Save The Queen" to all your men."
"That can be arranged," said the terrorist.
The Frenchman said, "And I want to honor MY country before I die by
singing "The Marseilles" to your men."
The Japanese said, "Before I die, I wish to honor MY country by giving
the lecture I was going to present on the Japanese style of industrial
management."
The terrorist turned finally to the American.
"What is YOUR last request?"
The American replied, "I want you to kill me right now so I don't have
to listen to another lecture on the Japanese style of industrial
management!"
American, were on their way to an international business conference when they
were kidnapped by terrorists and taken to a secret hideout.
"You, your companies and your countries are enemies of the
Revolution," screamed the terrorist leader, "and you're going to be
executed! Do you have any last requests?"
The Englishman spoke first.
"Before I die, I want to honor my country and protest this barbaric act
by singing "God Save The Queen" to all your men."
"That can be arranged," said the terrorist.
The Frenchman said, "And I want to honor MY country before I die by
singing "The Marseilles" to your men."
The Japanese said, "Before I die, I wish to honor MY country by giving
the lecture I was going to present on the Japanese style of industrial
management."
The terrorist turned finally to the American.
"What is YOUR last request?"
The American replied, "I want you to kill me right now so I don't have
to listen to another lecture on the Japanese style of industrial
management!"
After nights of frustrating attempts of trying to seduce his wife, the
Japanese man finally made a proposition to his wife.
"If you want to have sex with me, let me know by pulling on my penis one
time."
"If you are not in the mood and do not want to have sex with me, let me
know by pulling on my penis 100 times!"
Japanese man finally made a proposition to his wife.
"If you want to have sex with me, let me know by pulling on my penis one
time."
"If you are not in the mood and do not want to have sex with me, let me
know by pulling on my penis 100 times!"
This is not really a joke but we found it pretty interesting. Answers are
based on Ancient Japanese Archetypes.
You are in the desert. You are traveling with 5 animals:
A Lion
A Monkey
A Sheep
A Cow and
A Horse
It is a long way more to the safety of civilization, and one by one, you are
forced to release each animal, until you are left with only one. In what order
would you get rid of each animal from your possession? Rank them an continue on
below:
The desert represents hardship. Each
animal represents the following:
A Lion - Pride
A Monkey - Your Children
A Sheep - Friendship
A Cow - Basic Needs
A Horse - Your Passion
So, in the face of hardship, you will sacrifice each of these things in turn.
Your last animal represents that thing which you cling to at the expense of all
others.
based on Ancient Japanese Archetypes.
You are in the desert. You are traveling with 5 animals:
A Lion
A Monkey
A Sheep
A Cow and
A Horse
It is a long way more to the safety of civilization, and one by one, you are
forced to release each animal, until you are left with only one. In what order
would you get rid of each animal from your possession? Rank them an continue on
below:
The desert represents hardship. Each
animal represents the following:
A Lion - Pride
A Monkey - Your Children
A Sheep - Friendship
A Cow - Basic Needs
A Horse - Your Passion
So, in the face of hardship, you will sacrifice each of these things in turn.
Your last animal represents that thing which you cling to at the expense of all
others.
Comments
This speaks a lot about the quality of Japanese products and their quality
standards.
They're still laughing about this at IBM. Apparently the computer giant
decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the
specifications, they set out that they will accept three defective parts per
10,000 .
When the delivery came in there was an accompanying letter. "We,
Japanese people, had a hard time understanding North American business
practices. But the three defective parts per 10,000 have been separately
manufactured and have been included in the consignment. Hope this pleases
you."
standards.
They're still laughing about this at IBM. Apparently the computer giant
decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the
specifications, they set out that they will accept three defective parts per
10,000 .
When the delivery came in there was an accompanying letter. "We,
Japanese people, had a hard time understanding North American business
practices. But the three defective parts per 10,000 have been separately
manufactured and have been included in the consignment. Hope this pleases
you."
It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese
businessman, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said
"Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the
people, shall not perish from the earth'"?
Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who
is new to our country knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Fucking Japanese."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982." At that point, a student in the
back sighed, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,
"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
businessman, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said
"Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the
people, shall not perish from the earth'"?
Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who
is new to our country knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Fucking Japanese."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982." At that point, a student in the
back sighed, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,
"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
This is an original quote from Dr. Hiroshi Sagahura a genetic
researcher in Oregon and current Japanese citizen. It was passed along by a
friend who works with him.
The American people shouldn't be so offended when the Japanese say they have
a bad work ethic. During World War II, many Japanese pilots decided it was too
much work to fly home and thus never even tried returning to Japan.
researcher in Oregon and current Japanese citizen. It was passed along by a
friend who works with him.
The American people shouldn't be so offended when the Japanese say they have
a bad work ethic. During World War II, many Japanese pilots decided it was too
much work to fly home and thus never even tried returning to Japan.
Take heart, America. Three monkey wrenches have been thrown into Japan's
well-oiled economic machine. It's only a matter of time before that powerful
engine of productivity begins to sputter and fail.
What could cause such a sharp turnaround? High interest rates? Increased
unemployment? Lower productivity? No, it's something much more economically
debilitating - and permanent.
Three American lawyers have become the first foreign attorneys permitted to
practice law in Japan. What's more, two of them are from New York!
The decline has begun.
Japan has one attorney for every 10,000 residents, compared to the U.S. ratio of
one attorney for every 390 residents. For every 100 attorneys trained in Japan,
there are 1,000 engineers. In the United States, that ratio is reversed.
But a law that became effective on April 1 permits foreigners to practice in
Japan for the first time since 1955. Already, an additional 20 American and six
British lawyers have applied for permission to open practices in Japan.
If anything can slow the Japanese economy, it's the presence of American
attorneys. What better way to even our balance of trade than to send Japan our
costliest surplus commodity?
well-oiled economic machine. It's only a matter of time before that powerful
engine of productivity begins to sputter and fail.
What could cause such a sharp turnaround? High interest rates? Increased
unemployment? Lower productivity? No, it's something much more economically
debilitating - and permanent.
Three American lawyers have become the first foreign attorneys permitted to
practice law in Japan. What's more, two of them are from New York!
The decline has begun.
Japan has one attorney for every 10,000 residents, compared to the U.S. ratio of
one attorney for every 390 residents. For every 100 attorneys trained in Japan,
there are 1,000 engineers. In the United States, that ratio is reversed.
But a law that became effective on April 1 permits foreigners to practice in
Japan for the first time since 1955. Already, an additional 20 American and six
British lawyers have applied for permission to open practices in Japan.
If anything can slow the Japanese economy, it's the presence of American
attorneys. What better way to even our balance of trade than to send Japan our
costliest surplus commodity?
There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last
day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the
journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the
window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"
After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out
of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"
And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese
leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in
Japan!"
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a
number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.
The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"
There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"
day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the
journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the
window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"
After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out
of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"
And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese
leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in
Japan!"
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a
number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.
The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"
There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"
The following are actual products in Japan that have awful English
mistranslations:
"Discover Japanese People Alive in their Festivals!" (Japan
Travel Bureau travel guide)
Cookie Face (cosmetics)
Salad Girl (more cosmetics)
Skin clock for those wishing to become a dog (calendar)
Naive Lady (toilet paper)
The Goo (soup)
Pork with fresh garbage (cabbage)
Specialist in Deceased Children (diseased)
Finest Moldy Cheese
Liver Putty (Japanese SPAM)
My Fanny Toilet Paper
My Pee Diapers
Nail Remover (nail polish remover)
Pocari Sweat (beverage)
mistranslations:
"Discover Japanese People Alive in their Festivals!" (Japan
Travel Bureau travel guide)
Cookie Face (cosmetics)
Salad Girl (more cosmetics)
Skin clock for those wishing to become a dog (calendar)
Naive Lady (toilet paper)
The Goo (soup)
Pork with fresh garbage (cabbage)
Specialist in Deceased Children (diseased)
Finest Moldy Cheese
Liver Putty (Japanese SPAM)
My Fanny Toilet Paper
My Pee Diapers
Nail Remover (nail polish remover)
Pocari Sweat (beverage)
Best read with a Japanese accent: Nelson Mandela is at home watching TV when
there is a knock at the door. A Japanese delivery man is clutching a clipboard,
pointing to a truck full of car exhausts in the driveway and yelling, "You
sign, you sign!"
The bewildered president will do no such thing and slams
the door.
The next day, the man is back, waving a clipboard under the great
man's nose, gesturing to a truckload of brake pads and insisting, "You
sign, you sign!"
Nelson gets rid of the man again, but next day he's back
with two truckloads of car parts, once again insisting that the president sign
for the goods. Mandela loses his temper and yells, "Look, I don't want
these. Do you understand? You have the wrong person."
Puzzled, the Japanese
man consults his clipboard and asks, "Ah soh. You not Nissan Maindealer?"
there is a knock at the door. A Japanese delivery man is clutching a clipboard,
pointing to a truck full of car exhausts in the driveway and yelling, "You
sign, you sign!"
The bewildered president will do no such thing and slams
the door.
The next day, the man is back, waving a clipboard under the great
man's nose, gesturing to a truckload of brake pads and insisting, "You
sign, you sign!"
Nelson gets rid of the man again, but next day he's back
with two truckloads of car parts, once again insisting that the president sign
for the goods. Mandela loses his temper and yells, "Look, I don't want
these. Do you understand? You have the wrong person."
Puzzled, the Japanese
man consults his clipboard and asks, "Ah soh. You not Nissan Maindealer?"
A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she married,
she was to please her husband and never upset him.
So the first morning of her honeymoon, when the young Japanese bride crawled
out of bed after making love, she stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes
and let out a big fart.
She looked up and said: "Excuse please, front hole so happy back hole
whistle."
she was to please her husband and never upset him.
So the first morning of her honeymoon, when the young Japanese bride crawled
out of bed after making love, she stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes
and let out a big fart.
She looked up and said: "Excuse please, front hole so happy back hole
whistle."
Olympic ice skater Oksana Baiul was recently arrested for driving under the
influence of alcohol. Her BAC was rated at:
influence of alcohol. Her BAC was rated at:
After the baby was born, a panicked Japanese father went to see the
obstetrician. "Doctor," he said, "I don't mind telling you, but
I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be
mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both
have black
hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene
pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "We're pure
Japanese."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you
have sex?"
The man seemed ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We
only made love once a month."
obstetrician. "Doctor," he said, "I don't mind telling you, but
I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be
mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both
have black
hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene
pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "We're pure
Japanese."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you
have sex?"
The man seemed ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We
only made love once a month."
The first ladies of UK, Japan and France were having a meeting with Lady
Hilary Clinton. The subject of discussion was the penis of their respective
spouse.
The first lady of UK says, "It is like a gentle man- it stands up, as
soon as I enter the room"
The lady from Japan says, "It is like an army officer- you do not know
where he will attack from- front or back.."
The French lady says, "It is like the screen in the auditorium- once the
act is performed, it drops down..."
Then Hilary says, "It's like a rumor... it moves from one mouth to
another..."
Hilary Clinton. The subject of discussion was the penis of their respective
spouse.
The first lady of UK says, "It is like a gentle man- it stands up, as
soon as I enter the room"
The lady from Japan says, "It is like an army officer- you do not know
where he will attack from- front or back.."
The French lady says, "It is like the screen in the auditorium- once the
act is performed, it drops down..."
Then Hilary says, "It's like a rumor... it moves from one mouth to
another..."
Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new
head Samurai so he sent out a declaration throughout the country that he was
searching for one. A year passed and only 3 people showed up.
The emperor asked the first Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should
be head Samurai.
The first Samurai opened a match box and out pops a little fly. Whoosh goes
his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces.
The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"
The emperor then asked the second Samurai to come in and demonstrate. The
second Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. Whoosh whoosh goes
his sword. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces.
The emperor exclaimed, "That is really very impressive!"
The emperor then had the third Samurai demonstrate why he should be the head
Samurai. The third Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. His
flashing sword goes whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh
whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is
still alive and buzzing around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, asks, "After all of that, why
is the fly not dead?" The third Samurai smiled, "If you look closely,
you'll see that the fly has been circumcised!
head Samurai so he sent out a declaration throughout the country that he was
searching for one. A year passed and only 3 people showed up.
The emperor asked the first Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should
be head Samurai.
The first Samurai opened a match box and out pops a little fly. Whoosh goes
his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces.
The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"
The emperor then asked the second Samurai to come in and demonstrate. The
second Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. Whoosh whoosh goes
his sword. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces.
The emperor exclaimed, "That is really very impressive!"
The emperor then had the third Samurai demonstrate why he should be the head
Samurai. The third Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. His
flashing sword goes whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh
whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is
still alive and buzzing around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, asks, "After all of that, why
is the fly not dead?" The third Samurai smiled, "If you look closely,
you'll see that the fly has been circumcised!
There was a Japanese, Hawaiian, and a Portuguese guy. They were all stranded
on a desert. While they were walking, the Portuguese guy found a car door. He
decided to drag it around for shade when they needed it.
So one day the Hawaiian
guy complained, "It's hot!"
The Portuguese guy grabbed the car door
and rolled down the window. "Is that better?"
on a desert. While they were walking, the Portuguese guy found a car door. He
decided to drag it around for shade when they needed it.
So one day the Hawaiian
guy complained, "It's hot!"
The Portuguese guy grabbed the car door
and rolled down the window. "Is that better?"
On a desert island in the middle of the ocean, the following groups of
beautiful people are stranded:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 New Zealand men 1 New Zealand woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle
of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having
loads of sex.
The German woman has a strict weekly schedule when she alternates with the
two German men.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English
woman.
The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the
Bulgarian woman and they started swimming.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the
American woman keeps on bitching about the necessity of 'fulfillment, the equal
division of household chores, how her last 'boyfriend treated her much nicer and
how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes are
low and it is not raining.
beautiful people are stranded:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 New Zealand men 1 New Zealand woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle
of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having
loads of sex.
The German woman has a strict weekly schedule when she alternates with the
two German men.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English
woman.
The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the
Bulgarian woman and they started swimming.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the
American woman keeps on bitching about the necessity of 'fulfillment, the equal
division of household chores, how her last 'boyfriend treated her much nicer and
how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes are
low and it is not raining.
An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates
Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around
where he can get American food.
The concierge tells him he's in luck; there's a pizza place that just opened,
and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he
goes back to his room and orders a pizza.
Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza.
The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks
the delivery man, "What the heck did you put on this pizza?"
The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you
ordered, pepper only." (pepperoni)
Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around
where he can get American food.
The concierge tells him he's in luck; there's a pizza place that just opened,
and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he
goes back to his room and orders a pizza.
Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza.
The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks
the delivery man, "What the heck did you put on this pizza?"
The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you
ordered, pepper only." (pepperoni)
A waitress walks up to the table of three Japanese men at a small restaurant
in Butlerville, Ohio. When she gets to the table,
in Butlerville, Ohio. When she gets to the table,
A waitress walks up to the table of three Japanese men at a New York City
restaurant. When she gets to the table, the waitress notices that the 3 men are
furiously masturbating!
She asks, "What the hell are you perverts doing?", to which one of
the men replied, "We all berry hungry"!
She responds, "But why are you whacking off?" One of the three
says, "Because menu say `first come, first served!"
There were three very fat and very unfit sumo wrestlers on an island, and they all wanted to get off.
So the first really stupid sumo swam half way got tired and came back.
Then the second sumo who was reasonably dumb swam half way got tired and came back.
Then the third sumo who was smarter than the other two walked across the bridge.
In recent months, we have heard the Japanese call the US workers lazy, greedy
and illiterate. Those are fighting words to us, even if they may be true. The
question is what to do about it. My basketball coach always told me to exploit
the weakness of the opposition by using what (questionable) strengths I had. I
think the US should do exactly that with Japan. The Japanese are world leaders
in quality of goods and decades ahead of us in electronics like High Definition
Television (HDTV). We will never be able to compete with them in these areas, so
we must redefine the competition.
I propose that the FCC mandate a new form of Television called Low Emission
and Definition Television (LEAD-TV). Such TV sets would have lots of static
interference, horrible resolution, be expensive, break very often, and would be
hard and frustrating to watch. Exactly the type of TV sets that American
industry and workers are already geared to produce! The Japanese, on the other
hand, could not produce such sets without spending billions in retooling; in
fact, they couldn't even produce the necessary low tech tools and would have to
buy them from the US or places like Bulgaria and Albania. Thus helping the world
balance of trade.
But even if the Japanese retooled, in order to meet or deseed the FCC
standards they would have to import tens of thousand of American workers to show
their Japanese counterparts the "how to" of building shoddy products.
The Japanese might even have to hire the entire upper management of Ford, GM,
Yale, and Stanford, to show Japanese management how to really screw up
production. This would solve our unemployment problem.
(This does not solve all our problems as we still are left with lawyers.
Especially since the supreme court overturned (five to four), the progressive
Ohio law requiring lawyers who have cute phone numbers (like 1-800-SUE-THEM or
1-JUST-SAY-SUE or 1-800-I-AM-RICH) to be skinned alive, rolled in salt, then
impaled in front of the statehouse. Something to do with something written
somewhere prohibiting "no cruel or unusual punishment." Actually not
the cruel part, as the court felt the punishment is fitting and totally
justified, but the unusual part. If we could only get Japan to copy our legal
system, our trade problems would cease.)
But the biggest advantage of LEAD-TV would not be the jobs it created; it
would be the effect on our children. Schools would require that students watch
at least 4 hours of LEAD-TV every day. Since kids never do what they are told,
and LEAD-TV is so bad, I know my kids would even risk a spanking to sneak
upstairs, hide in a closet and read a good book. Yelling at them, of course,
would only heighten their resolve to read. In a decade, our kids could be the
most literate in the world!
Now don't you think that our kids deserve the best of the worst we can give
them! Help me in supporting LEAD-TV for the US, write the FCC or you're
congressman now, or if your a typical American and can't right, just call
1-800-NUKE EM 2.
PS: For those of you who think JUST-SAY-SUE isn't a valid area code, the ABA
sued the phone company in 1991 because there weren't enough cute phone numbers
and, of course, won. Now any lawyer can use anything for their area code.
Billions of dollars of phone equipment had to be junked and we the consumers had
to pay for that; but, hey, don't you agree that our lawyers are worth every
penny...
and illiterate. Those are fighting words to us, even if they may be true. The
question is what to do about it. My basketball coach always told me to exploit
the weakness of the opposition by using what (questionable) strengths I had. I
think the US should do exactly that with Japan. The Japanese are world leaders
in quality of goods and decades ahead of us in electronics like High Definition
Television (HDTV). We will never be able to compete with them in these areas, so
we must redefine the competition.
I propose that the FCC mandate a new form of Television called Low Emission
and Definition Television (LEAD-TV). Such TV sets would have lots of static
interference, horrible resolution, be expensive, break very often, and would be
hard and frustrating to watch. Exactly the type of TV sets that American
industry and workers are already geared to produce! The Japanese, on the other
hand, could not produce such sets without spending billions in retooling; in
fact, they couldn't even produce the necessary low tech tools and would have to
buy them from the US or places like Bulgaria and Albania. Thus helping the world
balance of trade.
But even if the Japanese retooled, in order to meet or deseed the FCC
standards they would have to import tens of thousand of American workers to show
their Japanese counterparts the "how to" of building shoddy products.
The Japanese might even have to hire the entire upper management of Ford, GM,
Yale, and Stanford, to show Japanese management how to really screw up
production. This would solve our unemployment problem.
(This does not solve all our problems as we still are left with lawyers.
Especially since the supreme court overturned (five to four), the progressive
Ohio law requiring lawyers who have cute phone numbers (like 1-800-SUE-THEM or
1-JUST-SAY-SUE or 1-800-I-AM-RICH) to be skinned alive, rolled in salt, then
impaled in front of the statehouse. Something to do with something written
somewhere prohibiting "no cruel or unusual punishment." Actually not
the cruel part, as the court felt the punishment is fitting and totally
justified, but the unusual part. If we could only get Japan to copy our legal
system, our trade problems would cease.)
But the biggest advantage of LEAD-TV would not be the jobs it created; it
would be the effect on our children. Schools would require that students watch
at least 4 hours of LEAD-TV every day. Since kids never do what they are told,
and LEAD-TV is so bad, I know my kids would even risk a spanking to sneak
upstairs, hide in a closet and read a good book. Yelling at them, of course,
would only heighten their resolve to read. In a decade, our kids could be the
most literate in the world!
Now don't you think that our kids deserve the best of the worst we can give
them! Help me in supporting LEAD-TV for the US, write the FCC or you're
congressman now, or if your a typical American and can't right, just call
1-800-NUKE EM 2.
PS: For those of you who think JUST-SAY-SUE isn't a valid area code, the ABA
sued the phone company in 1991 because there weren't enough cute phone numbers
and, of course, won. Now any lawyer can use anything for their area code.
Billions of dollars of phone equipment had to be junked and we the consumers had
to pay for that; but, hey, don't you agree that our lawyers are worth every
penny...
A Japanese, an Italian, and an American climb a great
mountain. At the summit, the Japanese guy says that it is tradition to
throw an offering off the mountain as a sign of respect for nature.
He throws some rice.
The Italian throws some pasta.
The American throws the Japanese guy off.
The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive rowing
race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the
big day they both felt ready.
The Japanese won by a mile!
Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged.
Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be
found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend
corrective action.
The consultants' finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one
person steering; the American team had one person rowing (Working) and eight
people steering (Freeloading ).
After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the
consulting firm concluded that too many were steering and not enough were rowing
on the American team. (i.e., US Government !!!)
So, as race day neared again the following year, the American team's
structure was complete reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers,
three area steering managers, one staff steering manager and a new performance
review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.
This year, the Japanese won by TWO miles.
Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance
and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.
The following year the American team bought a new "off the shelf"
racing team. One top American manager was recently heard stating that
"racing wasn't part of our core competencies, so we brought in contractors
to help us compete in a world wide market/race ".
After many months of deliberation, and the race fast approaching, the new
staff reorganization quickly became . . . four steering managers, three area
steering managers, one staff steering manager and now one project steering
leader to oversee the racing contractors. Plus, of course, the 8 additional
racing contractors who will actually compete in the race, but they don't really
count in Corporate America . . . .
This year, the Japanese won by default, the American racing team sunk three
minutes into the race. A top American manager was overheard stating "I
don't understand, they said we could just plug 'em in, that they could race in
any boat".
Although it's early in the planning for next year's race, rumor has it the
Americans are buying a new boat that is more compatible with the vendor's system
of racing expertise. A new boat acquisitions manager was hired to work on the
details.
race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the
big day they both felt ready.
The Japanese won by a mile!
Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged.
Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be
found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend
corrective action.
The consultants' finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one
person steering; the American team had one person rowing (Working) and eight
people steering (Freeloading ).
After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the
consulting firm concluded that too many were steering and not enough were rowing
on the American team. (i.e., US Government !!!)
So, as race day neared again the following year, the American team's
structure was complete reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers,
three area steering managers, one staff steering manager and a new performance
review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.
This year, the Japanese won by TWO miles.
Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance
and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.
The following year the American team bought a new "off the shelf"
racing team. One top American manager was recently heard stating that
"racing wasn't part of our core competencies, so we brought in contractors
to help us compete in a world wide market/race ".
After many months of deliberation, and the race fast approaching, the new
staff reorganization quickly became . . . four steering managers, three area
steering managers, one staff steering manager and now one project steering
leader to oversee the racing contractors. Plus, of course, the 8 additional
racing contractors who will actually compete in the race, but they don't really
count in Corporate America . . . .
This year, the Japanese won by default, the American racing team sunk three
minutes into the race. A top American manager was overheard stating "I
don't understand, they said we could just plug 'em in, that they could race in
any boat".
Although it's early in the planning for next year's race, rumor has it the
Americans are buying a new boat that is more compatible with the vendor's system
of racing expertise. A new boat acquisitions manager was hired to work on the
details.
"There are many reasons why the United States finds itself playing second fiddle to Japan today in so many high-technology areas where
American pre-eminence was once unquestioned. Some of the reasons are complex, but one can be put in a statistical nutshell:
Out of every 10,000 Americans, 20 are lawyers, 40 are accountants, and 70 are engineers. Out of every 10,000
Japanese, one is a lawyer, three are accountants -- and 400 are engineers."
July's Optical Spectrum
American pre-eminence was once unquestioned. Some of the reasons are complex, but one can be put in a statistical nutshell:
Out of every 10,000 Americans, 20 are lawyers, 40 are accountants, and 70 are engineers. Out of every 10,000
Japanese, one is a lawyer, three are accountants -- and 400 are engineers."
July's Optical Spectrum
A western businessman was conducting his Japanese
guest around the busy city. Because of traffic congestion they used bus and
underground railway. The businessman was proud of his local knowledge of the
system, and by clever use of the map and timetable, he got them to their various
destinations much quicker than the average tourist could have done. He was
particularly proud of one trick: "There, we saved twenty minutes by
changing trains and taking the other line".
The Japanese smiled broadly. When they got to their station, the businessman
hustled the other up the stairs, and out into the fresh air.
Nearby was a secluded little grassy area with some seats. The Japanese sat
down, and looked benevolently on the world passing by.
"Hey, what are you doing just sitting there?" gasped the western businessman.
"Oh, I'm just using up the 20 minutes we saved on the train".
guest around the busy city. Because of traffic congestion they used bus and
underground railway. The businessman was proud of his local knowledge of the
system, and by clever use of the map and timetable, he got them to their various
destinations much quicker than the average tourist could have done. He was
particularly proud of one trick: "There, we saved twenty minutes by
changing trains and taking the other line".
The Japanese smiled broadly. When they got to their station, the businessman
hustled the other up the stairs, and out into the fresh air.
Nearby was a secluded little grassy area with some seats. The Japanese sat
down, and looked benevolently on the world passing by.
"Hey, what are you doing just sitting there?" gasped the western businessman.
"Oh, I'm just using up the 20 minutes we saved on the train".
Two whales spot Japanese Whaler.
First whale: That's the bastard who killed my folks -- lets drown them!
Second Whale: "If they killed your folks let's do it!"
First: "We'll dive down then surface and blow the ship over with our
blow-holes".
This they did but the sailors were still alive swimming for it.
First: "Darn it! We'll have to swim up to them with our mouths open and
swallow them all down!"
Second: "No way! I don't mind the blow-job but I'm not swallowing the
seamen!"
First whale: That's the bastard who killed my folks -- lets drown them!
Second Whale: "If they killed your folks let's do it!"
First: "We'll dive down then surface and blow the ship over with our
blow-holes".
This they did but the sailors were still alive swimming for it.
First: "Darn it! We'll have to swim up to them with our mouths open and
swallow them all down!"
Second: "No way! I don't mind the blow-job but I'm not swallowing the
seamen!"
You know that Camp doesn’t mean a cabin in the woods.
The men in your family were gardeners, farmers or produce workers.
The women in your family were seamstresses, domestic workers or farm
laborers.
Your Issei grandparents had an arranged marriage.
One of your relatives was a "picture bride."
You have Nisei relatives named Tak, Tad, George, Harry or Shig.
You have Nisei relatives named Keiko, Aiko, Sumi or Mary.
You’re Sansei and your name is Janice, Glen, Brian, Bill or Kenji.
You’re thinking of naming your Yonsei child, Brittany, Jenny,
Lauren,Garett or Brett, with a Japanese middle name.
All of your cousins are having hapa kids.
You have relatives who live in Hawaii.
You belong to a Japanese credit union
Wherever you live now, you always come home to the Obon festival.
The bushes in your front yard are trimmed into balls.
You have a kaki tree in the backyard.
You have at least one bag of sembei in the house at all times.
You have a Japanese doll in a glass case in your living room.
You have a nekko cat in your house for good luck.
You have large Japanese platters in your china cabinet.
You have the family mon and Japanese needlepoint on the wall.
You own a multicolored lime green polyester patchwork quilt.
Your grandma used to crochet all your blankets, potholders and dishtowels.
You check to see if you need to take off your shoes at your JA friends’
houses.
When you visit other JAs, you give or receive a bag of fruits or
vegetables.
When you visit other JAs, you know that you should bring omiage.
When you leave a JA house, you take leftover food home on a paper plate or
a Styrofoam meat tray.
You keep a supply of rubber bands, twist ties, butter and tofu containers
in the kitchen.
You have an air pump thermos covered with lilacs.
You know that Pat Morita doesn’t really speak like Mr. Miyagi.
You’re mad because Kristi Yamaguchi should have gotten more commercial
endorsements than Nancy Kerrigan.
You know someone who has run for the Nisei Queen Pageant.
When your back is sore, you use Tiger Balm or that flexi-stick with the
rubber ball on the end that goes, "katonk," "katonk."
After funerals, you go for Chinameshi.
After giving koden, you get stamps in the mail.
You fight fiercely for the check after dinner.
You’ve hidden money in the pocket of the person who paid for dinner.
You don’t need to read the instructions on the proper use of hashi.
You know that Benihana’s isn’t real Japanese food.
You eat soba on New Year’s Eve.
You start off the new year with a bowl of ozoni for good luck and the
mochi sticks to the roof of your mouth.
You know not to eat the tangerine on the top of the mochi at New Year’s.
You have a 12-pack of mochi in your freezer—that you still refuse to
throw away in July.
You pack bento for road trips.
Your grandma made the best sushi in town.
You cut all your carrots and hot dogs at an angle.
You know the virtues of SPAM.
You were eating Chinese chicken salad, years before everyone else.
You know what it means to eat "footballs."
You grew up eating ambrosia, wontons and finger Jell-O at family potlucks.
You always use Best Foods mayonnaise and like to mix it with shoyu to dip
broccoli.
You use the "finger method" to measure the water for your rice
cooker.
You grew up on rice: bacon fried rice, chili rice, curry rice or red rice.
You like to eat rice with your spaghetti.
You can’t start eating until you have a bowl of rice.
You use plastic Cool Whip containers to hold day-old rice.
You like to eat your rice in a chawan, not on a plate.
Along with salt and pepper, you have a shoyu dispenser at your table.
You have a jar of takuan in your fridge.
You buy rice 25 pounds at a time and shoyu a gallon at a time.
Natto: you either love it or hate it.
As a kid, you used to eat Botan rice candy.
You know the story of Momotaro.
You have a pet named Chibi or Shiro.
Someone you know, owns an Akita or Shiba dog.
You went to J-school and your best subject was recess.
At school, you had those Hello Kitty pencil boxes and sweet smelling
erasers.
When you’re sick, you eat okayu.
Milk makes you queasy and alcohol turns your face red.
Your dad owns a Member’s Only jacket.
Someone you know drives an Acura Integra, Honda Accord or Toyota Camry.
You used to own one of those miniature zori keychains
You have a kaeru frog or good luck charm hanging in your car.
Your parents compare you to their friends’ kids.
You hang on to the illusion that you are superior to other Asians.
Your dentist, doctor and optometrist is Japanese American.
You socialize with groups of eight or more people.
Whenever you’re with more than three people, it takes an hour to decide
where to eat.
You and your friends call yourselves "Buddaheads," but don’t
like it when white people do.
You’ve heard your name pronounced a half-dozen different ways.
You know that E.O. 9066 isn’t a zip code.
You’re not superstitious but you believe in bachi.
You never take the last piece of food on a plate—but will cut it into
smaller pieces.
As much as you want it, never ever take the last—anything. Enryo, enryo,
enryo.
