Ethnic Japanese

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    How courteous is the Japanese;
    He always says, "Excuse it, please."
    He climbs into his neighbor's garden.
    And smiles, and says, "I beg your pardon;"
    He bows and grins a friendly grin,
    And calls his hungry family in;
    He grins, and bows a friendly bow;
    "So sorry, this my garden now."


    --Ogden Nash

     

    Comments

    An Australian man was sitting in his favorite restaurant when a Japanese
    bloke said to him, "I am sick of seeing your big round eyes."
    The Australian replied, "Put on a blind fold."
    The Japanese man asked, "Where do I get one?
    The Australian then said, "Here take my shoe lace."

    Comments

    The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race.
    Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.
    On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the
    American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management
    decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting
    firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action.
    The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one
    person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people
    steering.
    After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the
    consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were
    rowing on the American team.
    So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's
    management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four
    steering managers, three area steering managers and a new performance review
    system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.
    The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American
    corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a
    bonus for discovering the problem."

    Comments


    A Japanese exchange student sat in a science classroom, totally stumped at a
    question on the final exam.
    The question asked: "Give four advantages of breast milk."
    What to write? He sighed, thinking he could not use personal experience.
    Suddenly, he smiled, remembering some things he has overheard his mother say. He
    wrote:
    1. No need to boil.
    2. Never goes sour.
    3. Available whenever necessary.
    He still needed a fourth answer.  He tried to put himself in the place of a
    child, but that didn't work. Suddenly, he smiled again. He wrote as the final
    answer:
    4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.
    He sat back, considering how proud his friends would be for their genius
    friend who lived overseas.



    Comments

    The Polish were upset because of their bad reputation. A group of them got
    together and approached a conference of Americans, Germans, and Japanese and
    asked for help on this matter. An American replied, "You must do something
    so the world will respect you. The Japanese are known for their technology and
    the Germans are known for their resourcefulness. We Americans have had respect
    since we helped win the World War against the other two. See, you need to do
    something world-famous." A German added," Yes, he's right. Why don't
    you find a place in this world in need of a bridge that no one has dared build,
    build it, come back to us, and we will help publicize it."
    With that, the Polish set off to build their bridge. They designed it and
    worked 6 months and finally completed it. They then went back to report it to
    the group. The bridge was a beautiful bridge but it had one flaw: it was erected
    in the middle of the Sahara Desert. An American said, "No, no. See, that is
    why you have your reputation. There is no need for a bridge in the middle of the
    desert. Now go and dismantle it, and find a more strategic spot to erect
    it."
    The Polish returned to the conference in two weeks. One of the Japanese said,
    "Two weeks! It only took you two weeks to dismantle that bridge and build a
    new one??? That is amazing!!" To which a Polish man replied, "Well,
    not exactly. When we returned to the bridge we couldn't dismantle it because
    there were all these Italians fishing off it."



    Comments

    There were three guys traveling in Africa, a Frenchman, a Japanese, and an
    American. They are captured by a tribe of fierce headhunters. The witch doctor
    says to them, "We are going to slaughter you, but you might take some
    comfort in the fact that we don't believe in waste here, and that therefore
    every part of your body will go to some use. We will weave baskets out of your
    hair, we will render your bones for glue, and we will tan your skin and stretch
    it over wooden frames for canoes. Now we are going to allow you an honorable
    death, so I will give you each a knife and allow you to say some last words
    before killing yourselves."
    The Japanese guy yells "Banzai!" and commits hari-kari.
    The French guy yells "Vive la France!" and slits his throat.
    Then the American guy takes the knife, pokes holes all over his body, and
    yells, "There's your fucking canoe!"
     

    Comments

    (UP) - Earlier this year, the dazed crew of a Japanese Trawler was plucked
    out of the Sea of Japan clinging to the wreckage of their sunken ship.
    Their rescue, however, was followed by immediate imprisonment once
    authorities questioned the sailors on their ship's loss. To a man they claimed
    that a cow, falling out of a clear blue sky, had struck the trawler amidships,
    shattering it's hull and sinking the vessel within minutes.
    They remained in prison for several weeks, until the Russian Air Force
    reluctantly informed Japanese authorities that the crew of one of its cargo
    planes had apparently stolen a cow wandering at the edge of a Siberian airfield,
    forced the cow into the plane's hold and hastily taken off for home.
    Unprepared for live cargo, the Russian crew was ill-equipped to manage a now
    rampaging cow within its hold. To save the aircraft and themselves, they shoved
    the animal out of the cargo hold as they crossed the Sea of Japan at an altitude
    of 30,000 feet.


    Comments

    Two Japanese businessmen are talking during their afternoon dip in the hot
    baths at the Geisha house. 
    The first businessman says, "Hirokosan, I have
    unpleasant news for you. Your wife is dishonoring you. I saw her the other night
    and she was out with another man." 
    Hirokosan can't believe what he hears,
    and asks for more information. "It is as I said, Hirokosan, and she is
    doing it with a foreigner who appears to be of the Jewish faith." 
    Shocked,
    Hirokosan goes home to confront his wife. He faces her and says, "I am told
    that you are dishonoring me with a foreigner of the Jewish faith". 
    She
    replies, "That's a lie! Where did you hear such meshugas?"

    Comments

    A frustrated Japanese father vented, "When I was a youngster, I was
    disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But in my son's room, he
    has his own color TV, telephone, computer, and CD player."
    "So what do you do?" asked his friend.
    "I send him to MY room!" exclaimed the father.
     

    Comments


    A businessman was in Japan to make a presentation to the Toyota motor people.
    Needless to say, this was an especially important deal and it was imperative
    that he make the best possible impression. On the morning of the presentation he
    awoke to find himself uncontrollably passing gas in large volumes. Additionally,
    the flatulence had the unpleasant characteristic of sounding like
    "HONDA." The man was besides himself. Every few minutes
    "HONDA", "HONDA".... What would the Toyota people think?
    Unable to stop this aberrant behavior, and in desperate need to terminate these
    odious and rather embarrassing emissions, he sought a physician's aid. After a
    full examination, the doctor told him that there was nothing inherently wrong
    with him and that he would just have to wait it out. Being unwilling to accept
    this state of affairs he visited a second and then a third doctor all of whom
    told him the same thing. Finally one medic suggested that he visit a dentist.
    Well, although he could not see how a dentist was going to be of any help, he
    visited one anyway.
    Lo and behold, the dentist said, "Ah, there's the problem."
    "What is it?" the man asked.
    "Why you have an abscess," said the dentist.
    "An abscess. How could that be causing my problem?" asked the man.
    "That's easy," replied the dentist. "Everyone knows, abscess
    makes the fart go Honda."

    Comments

    The Japanese people are said to have a great interest in Western things,
    especially those from the United States. This can be used  to our strategic
    advantage to help solve our trade deficit with Japan.   

    We need to
    export TV shows like ``Perry Mason'' and ``LA Law'' and ensure that they are
    widely broadcasted.  Once their children grow up wanting to become lawyers
    they are finished!



    Comments

    After the baby was born, the panicked Japanese father went to see the
    obstetrician.
    "Doctor," he said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little
    upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
    "Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife
    both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the
    gene pool."
    "It isn't possible," the man insisted. "We're pure
    Oriental."
    "Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do
    you have sex?"
    The man seemed ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year.
    We only made love once or twice a month."
    "There you have it!" the doctor said confidently. "It's just
    rust."



    Comments


    Recent reports indicate the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of
    improving. If anything, it's getting worse. Following last week's news that
    Origami Bank had folded, it was today learned that Sumo Bank has gone belly up.
    Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale
    and is going for a song.
    Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 jobs at Karate
    Bank will be chopped. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at
    Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.


    Comments

    There was once a Japanese businessman who was engaged in a particular
    corporate meeting held in a particular business district in the Philippines. As
    he stepped out of the airport, he hailed the local cab, board it and requested
    his destination to be Manila Hotel. As the cab was attempting to make its way
    out to the main road, a ramming and screeching sound was heard. Out passed a
    Honda Civic CRX Turbo screaming away from the main junction. The Japanese
    remarked. "Mmmm, Honda! Made in Japan, verri powerful. verri faast!!"
    Some distance, a white executive sedan whoosh pass along side the cab a high
    cruising speed. "Ahhh, Toyota! Also made in Japan, verri fasto. Also verri
    good!, very faast" The cab-driver upon hearing the comments, look thru the
    rear mirror and was quite resented over the Jap's proud attitude. At that moment
    again, another car came ramming fast, overtaking and cutting every car ahead of
    it. "Mmmm, Mitsubishi! Also Japan, also verri good, very fast. Mmmm!"
    It was not long after reaching the designated hotel, the cab halted in front
    of the lobby door, the cab-driver stared at the meter and proclaimed. "That
    will be US$239.40, sir!"
    "Nan desu-ka! What?", the Jap was astonished. "The airport
    verrinear to hotel.
    "Er, sir, this meter is NEC, made in Japan, very good and 'very faast'.



    Comments



    In Japan, Sony Vaio machines have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with their own Japanese haiku poetry.Windows NT crashed.
     I am the Blue Screen of Death.
     No one hears your screams.
     - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
     A file that big?
     It might be very useful.
     But now it is gone.
     - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
     The Web site you seek
     Can not be located but
     Countless more exist
     - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
     Chaos reigns within.
     Reflect, repent, and reboot.
     Order shall return.
     - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
     ABORTED effort:
     Close all that you have worked on.
     You ask way too much.
     - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
     Yesterday it worked
     Today it is not working
     Windows is like that.
     - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
     First snow, then silence.
     This thousand dollar screen dies
     so beautifully.
     - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
     With searching comes loss
     and the presence of absence:
     "My Novel" not found.
     - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
     The Tao that is seen
     Is not the true Tao, until
     You bring fresh toner.
     - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
     Stay the patient course
     Of little worth is your ire
     The network is down
     - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
     A crash reduces
     your expensive computer
     to a simple stone.
     - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
     Three things are certain:
     Death, taxes, and lost data.
     Guess which has occurred.
     - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
     You step in the stream,
     but the water has moved on.
     This page is not here.
     - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
     Out of memory.
     We wish to hold the whole sky,
     But we never will.
     - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
     Having been erased,
     The document you're seeking
     Must now be retyped.
     - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
     Serious error.
     All shortcuts have disappeared.
     Screen. Mind. Both are blank.





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    Pearl Harbor DVD
    from Amazon





    Comments

    Four corporate presidents, one English, one French, one Japanese and one
    American, were on their way to an international business conference when they
    were kidnapped by terrorists and taken to a secret hideout.
    "You, your companies and your countries are enemies of the
    Revolution," screamed the terrorist leader, "and you're going to be
    executed! Do you have any last requests?"
    The Englishman spoke first.
    "Before I die, I want to honor my country and protest this barbaric act
    by singing "God Save The Queen" to all your men."
    "That can be arranged," said the terrorist.
    The Frenchman said, "And I want to honor MY country before I die by
    singing "The Marseilles" to your men."
    The Japanese said, "Before I die, I wish to honor MY country by giving
    the lecture I was going to present on the Japanese style of industrial
    management."
    The terrorist turned finally to the American.
    "What is YOUR last request?"
    The American replied, "I want you to kill me right now so I don't have
    to listen to another lecture on the Japanese style of industrial
    management!"


    Comments

    After nights of frustrating attempts of trying to seduce his wife, the
    Japanese man finally made a proposition to his wife.
    "If you want to have sex with me, let me know by pulling on my penis one
    time."
    "If you are not in the mood and do not want to have sex with me, let me
    know by pulling on my penis 100 times!"


    Comments

    This is not really a joke but we found it pretty interesting. Answers are
    based on Ancient Japanese Archetypes.
    You are in the desert. You are traveling with 5 animals:

    A Lion
    A Monkey
    A Sheep
    A Cow and
    A Horse

    It is a long way more to the safety of civilization, and one by one, you are
    forced to release each animal, until you are left with only one. In what order
    would you get rid of each animal from your possession? Rank them an continue on
    below:

    The desert represents hardship. Each
    animal represents the following:

    A Lion - Pride
    A Monkey - Your Children
    A Sheep - Friendship
    A Cow - Basic Needs
    A Horse - Your Passion

    So, in the face of hardship, you will sacrifice each of these things in turn.
    Your last animal represents that thing which you cling to at the expense of all
    others.

    Comments

    Comments

    This speaks a lot about the quality of Japanese products and their quality
    standards.
    They're still laughing about this at IBM. Apparently the computer giant
    decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the
    specifications, they set out that they will accept three defective parts per
    10,000 .
    When the delivery came in there was an accompanying letter. "We,
    Japanese people, had a hard time understanding North American business
    practices. But the three defective parts per 10,000 have been separately
    manufactured and have been included in the consignment. Hope this pleases
    you."


    Comments

    It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese
    businessman, entered the fourth grade.
    The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said
    "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"
    She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up.
    "Patrick Henry, 1775."
    "Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the
    people, shall not perish from the earth'"?
    Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
    The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who
    is new to our country knows more about its history than you do."
    She heard a loud whisper: "Fucking Japanese."
    "Who said that?" she demanded.
    Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982." At that point, a student in the
    back sighed, "I'm gonna puke."
    The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
    Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
    Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
    Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,
    "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"



    Comments

    This is an original quote from Dr. Hiroshi Sagahura  a genetic
    researcher in Oregon and current Japanese citizen. It was passed along by a
    friend who works with him. 
    The American people shouldn't be so offended when the Japanese say they have
    a bad work ethic. During World War II, many Japanese pilots decided it was too
    much work to fly home and thus never even tried returning to Japan.

    Comments

    Take heart, America. Three monkey wrenches have been thrown into Japan's
    well-oiled economic machine. It's only a matter of time before that powerful
    engine of productivity begins to sputter and fail.
    What could cause such a sharp turnaround? High interest rates? Increased
    unemployment? Lower productivity? No, it's something much more economically
    debilitating - and permanent.
    Three American lawyers have become the first foreign attorneys permitted to
    practice law in Japan. What's more, two of them are from New York!
    The decline has begun.
    Japan has one attorney for every 10,000 residents, compared to the U.S. ratio of
    one attorney for every 390 residents. For every 100 attorneys trained in Japan,
    there are 1,000 engineers. In the United States, that ratio is reversed.
    But a law that became effective on April 1 permits foreigners to practice in
    Japan for the first time since 1955. Already, an additional 20 American and six
    British lawyers have applied for permission to open practices in Japan.
    If anything can slow the Japanese economy, it's the presence of American
    attorneys. What better way to even our balance of trade than to send Japan our
    costliest surplus commodity?

    Comments

    There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last
    day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the
    journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the
    window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"
    After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out
    of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"
    And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese
    leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in
    Japan!"
    The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a
    number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.
    The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"
    There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"

    Comments

    The following are actual products in Japan that have awful English
    mistranslations:

    "Discover Japanese People Alive in their Festivals!" (Japan
    Travel Bureau travel guide)
    Cookie Face (cosmetics)
    Salad Girl (more cosmetics)
    Skin clock for those wishing to become a dog (calendar)
    Naive Lady (toilet paper)
    The Goo (soup)
    Pork with fresh garbage (cabbage)
    Specialist in Deceased Children (diseased)
    Finest Moldy Cheese
    Liver Putty (Japanese SPAM)
    My Fanny Toilet Paper
    My Pee Diapers
    Nail Remover (nail polish remover)
    Pocari Sweat (beverage)

     

    Comments

    Best read with a Japanese accent: Nelson Mandela is at home watching TV when
    there is a knock at the door. A Japanese delivery man is clutching a clipboard,
    pointing to a truck full of car exhausts in the driveway and yelling, "You
    sign, you sign!" 
    The bewildered president will do no such thing and slams
    the door. 
    The next day, the man is back, waving a clipboard under the great
    man's nose, gesturing to a truckload of brake pads and insisting, "You
    sign, you sign!" 
    Nelson gets rid of the man again, but next day he's back
    with two truckloads of car parts, once again insisting that the president sign
    for the goods. Mandela loses his temper and yells, "Look, I don't want
    these. Do you understand? You have the wrong person." 
    Puzzled, the Japanese
    man consults his clipboard and asks, "Ah soh. You not Nissan Maindealer?"

    Comments

    A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she married,
    she was to please her husband and never upset him.
    So the first morning of her honeymoon, when the young Japanese bride crawled
    out of bed after making love, she stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes
    and let out a big fart.
    She looked up and said: "Excuse please, front hole so happy back hole
    whistle."


    Comments

    Olympic ice skater Oksana Baiul was recently arrested for driving under the
    influence of alcohol. Her BAC was rated at:
    Comments

    After the baby was born, a panicked Japanese father went to see the
    obstetrician. "Doctor," he said, "I don't mind telling you, but
    I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be
    mine."
    "Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both
    have black
    hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene
    pool."
    "It isn't possible," the man insisted. "We're pure
    Japanese."
    "Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you
    have sex?"
    The man seemed ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We
    only made love once a month."

    Comments

    The first ladies of UK, Japan and France were having a meeting with Lady
    Hilary Clinton. The subject of discussion was the penis of their respective
    spouse.
    The first lady of UK says, "It is like a gentle man- it stands up, as
    soon as I enter the room"
    The lady from Japan says, "It is like an army officer- you do not know
    where he will attack from- front or back.."
    The French lady says, "It is like the screen in the auditorium- once the
    act is performed, it drops down..."
    Then Hilary says, "It's like a rumor... it moves from one mouth to
    another..."



    Comments

    Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new
    head Samurai so he sent out a declaration throughout the country that he was
    searching for one. A year passed and only 3 people showed up. 
    The emperor asked the first Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should
    be head Samurai. 
    The first Samurai opened a match box and out pops a little fly. Whoosh goes
    his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces. 
    The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!" 
    The emperor then asked the second Samurai to come in and demonstrate. The
    second Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. Whoosh whoosh goes
    his sword. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces. 
    The emperor exclaimed, "That is really very impressive!" 
    The emperor then had the third Samurai demonstrate why he should be the head
    Samurai. The third Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. His
    flashing sword goes whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh
    whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is
    still alive and buzzing around.
     The emperor, obviously disappointed, asks, "After all of that, why
    is the fly not dead?" The third Samurai smiled, "If you look closely,
    you'll see that the fly has been circumcised!

    Comments

    There was a Japanese, Hawaiian, and a Portuguese guy. They were all stranded
    on a desert. While they were walking, the Portuguese guy found a car door. He
    decided to drag it around for shade when they needed it. 
    So one day the Hawaiian
    guy complained, "It's hot!" 
    The Portuguese guy grabbed the car door
    and rolled down the window. "Is that better?"

    Comments

    On a desert island in the middle of the ocean, the following groups of
    beautiful people are stranded:
    2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
    2 French men and 1 French woman
    2 German men and 1 German woman
    2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
    2 English men and 1 English woman
    2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
    2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
    2 American men and 1 American woman
    2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
    2 New Zealand men 1 New Zealand woman
    2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
    One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle
    of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
    One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
    The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having
    loads of sex.
    The German woman has a strict weekly schedule when she alternates with the
    two German men.
    The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
    cleaning and cooking for them.
    The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English
    woman.
    The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the
    Bulgarian woman and they started swimming.
    The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the
    American woman keeps on bitching about the necessity of 'fulfillment, the equal
    division of household chores, how her last 'boyfriend treated her much nicer and
    how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes are
    low and it is not raining.


    Comments

    An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates
    Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around
    where he can get American food.
    The concierge tells him he's in luck; there's a pizza place that just opened,
    and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he
    goes back to his room and orders a pizza.
    Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza.
    The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks
    the delivery man, "What the heck did you put on this pizza?"
    The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you
    ordered, pepper only." (pepperoni)


    Comments

    A waitress walks up to the table of three Japanese men at a small restaurant
    in Butlerville, Ohio. When she gets to the table,
    Comments


    A waitress walks up to the table of three Japanese men at a New York City
    restaurant. When she gets to the table, the waitress notices that the 3 men are
    furiously masturbating!
    She asks, "What the hell are you perverts doing?", to which one of
    the men replied, "We all berry hungry"!
    She responds, "But why are you whacking off?" One of the three
    says, "Because menu say `first come, first served!"


    Comments


    There were three very fat and very unfit sumo wrestlers on an island, and they all wanted to get off. 
    So the first really stupid sumo swam half way got tired and came back.
    Then the second sumo who was reasonably dumb swam half way got tired and came back.
    Then the third sumo who was smarter than the other two walked across the bridge.

    Comments

    In recent months, we have heard the Japanese call the US workers lazy, greedy
    and illiterate. Those are fighting words to us, even if they may be true. The
    question is what to do about it. My basketball coach always told me to exploit
    the weakness of the opposition by using what (questionable) strengths I had. I
    think the US should do exactly that with Japan. The Japanese are world leaders
    in quality of goods and decades ahead of us in electronics like High Definition
    Television (HDTV). We will never be able to compete with them in these areas, so
    we must redefine the competition. 
    I propose that the FCC mandate a new form of Television called Low Emission
    and Definition Television (LEAD-TV). Such TV sets would have lots of static
    interference, horrible resolution, be expensive, break very often, and would be
    hard and frustrating to watch. Exactly the type of TV sets that American
    industry and workers are already geared to produce! The Japanese, on the other
    hand, could not produce such sets without spending billions in retooling; in
    fact, they couldn't even produce the necessary low tech tools and would have to
    buy them from the US or places like Bulgaria and Albania. Thus helping the world
    balance of trade. 
    But even if the Japanese retooled, in order to meet or deseed the FCC
    standards they would have to import tens of thousand of American workers to show
    their Japanese counterparts the "how to" of building shoddy products.
    The Japanese might even have to hire the entire upper management of Ford, GM,
    Yale, and Stanford, to show Japanese management how to really screw up
    production. This would solve our unemployment problem. 
    (This does not solve all our problems as we still are left with lawyers.
    Especially since the supreme court overturned (five to four), the progressive
    Ohio law requiring lawyers who have cute phone numbers (like 1-800-SUE-THEM or
    1-JUST-SAY-SUE or 1-800-I-AM-RICH) to be skinned alive, rolled in salt, then
    impaled in front of the statehouse. Something to do with something written
    somewhere prohibiting "no cruel or unusual punishment." Actually not
    the cruel part, as the court felt the punishment is fitting and totally
    justified, but the unusual part. If we could only get Japan to copy our legal
    system, our trade problems would cease.) 
    But the biggest advantage of LEAD-TV would not be the jobs it created; it
    would be the effect on our children. Schools would require that students watch
    at least 4 hours of LEAD-TV every day. Since kids never do what they are told,
    and LEAD-TV is so bad, I know my kids would even risk a spanking to sneak
    upstairs, hide in a closet and read a good book. Yelling at them, of course,
    would only heighten their resolve to read. In a decade, our kids could be the
    most literate in the world! 
    Now don't you think that our kids deserve the best of the worst we can give
    them! Help me in supporting LEAD-TV for the US, write the FCC or you're
    congressman now, or if your a typical American and can't right, just call
    1-800-NUKE EM 2. 
    PS: For those of you who think JUST-SAY-SUE isn't a valid area code, the ABA
    sued the phone company in 1991 because there weren't enough cute phone numbers
    and, of course, won. Now any lawyer can use anything for their area code.
    Billions of dollars of phone equipment had to be junked and we the consumers had
    to pay for that; but, hey, don't you agree that our lawyers are worth every
    penny...

    Comments


    A Japanese, an Italian, and an American climb a great
    mountain.  At the summit, the Japanese guy says that it is tradition to
    throw an offering off the mountain as a sign of respect for nature.  
    He throws some rice.  
    The Italian throws some pasta.  
    The American throws the Japanese guy off.

    Comments

    The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive rowing
    race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the
    big day they both felt ready.
    The Japanese won by a mile!
    Afterward, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged.
    Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be
    found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend
    corrective action.
    The consultants' finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one
    person steering; the American team had one person rowing (Working) and eight
    people steering (Freeloading ).
    After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the
    consulting firm concluded that too many were steering and not enough were rowing
    on the American team. (i.e., US Government !!!)
    So, as race day neared again the following year, the American team's
    structure was complete reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers,
    three area steering managers, one staff steering manager and a new performance
    review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.
    This year, the Japanese won by TWO miles.
    Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance
    and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.
    The following year the American team bought a new "off the shelf"
    racing team. One top American manager was recently heard stating that
    "racing wasn't part of our core competencies, so we brought in contractors
    to help us compete in a world wide market/race ".
    After many months of deliberation, and the race fast approaching, the new
    staff reorganization quickly became . . . four steering managers, three area
    steering managers, one staff steering manager and now one project steering
    leader to oversee the racing contractors. Plus, of course, the 8 additional
    racing contractors who will actually compete in the race, but they don't really
    count in Corporate America . . . .
    This year, the Japanese won by default, the American racing team sunk three
    minutes into the race. A top American manager was overheard stating "I
    don't understand, they said we could just plug 'em in, that they could race in
    any boat".
    Although it's early in the planning for next year's race, rumor has it the
    Americans are buying a new boat that is more compatible with the vendor's system
    of racing expertise. A new boat acquisitions manager was hired to work on the
    details. 

    Comments

    "There are many reasons why the United States finds itself playing second fiddle to Japan today in so many high-technology areas where
    American pre-eminence was once unquestioned.  Some of the reasons are complex, but one can be put in a statistical nutshell:
    Out of every 10,000 Americans, 20 are lawyers, 40 are accountants, and 70 are engineers. Out of every 10,000
    Japanese, one is a lawyer, three are accountants -- and 400 are engineers."
    July's Optical Spectrum


    Comments

    A western businessman was conducting his Japanese
    guest around the busy city. Because of traffic congestion they used bus and
    underground railway. The businessman was proud of his local knowledge of the
    system, and by clever use of the map and timetable, he got them to their various
    destinations much quicker than the average tourist could have done. He was
    particularly proud of one trick: "There, we saved twenty minutes by
    changing trains and taking the other line".
    The Japanese smiled broadly. When they got to their station, the businessman
    hustled the other up the stairs, and out into the fresh air.
    Nearby was a secluded little grassy area with some seats. The Japanese sat
    down, and looked benevolently on the world passing by.
    "Hey, what are you doing just sitting there?" gasped the western businessman.
    "Oh, I'm just using up the 20 minutes we saved on the train".

    Comments

    Two whales spot Japanese Whaler.
    First whale: That's the bastard who killed my folks -- lets drown them!
    Second Whale: "If they killed your folks let's do it!"
    First: "We'll dive down then surface and blow the ship over with our
    blow-holes".
    This they did but the sailors were still alive swimming for it.
    First: "Darn it! We'll have to swim up to them with our mouths open and
    swallow them all down!"
    Second: "No way! I don't mind the blow-job but I'm not swallowing the
    seamen!"

    Comments


    You know that Camp doesnt mean a cabin in the woods.
    The men in your family were gardeners, farmers or produce workers.
    The women in your family were seamstresses, domestic workers or farm
    laborers.
    Your Issei grandparents had an arranged marriage.
    One of your relatives was a "picture bride."
    You have Nisei relatives named Tak, Tad, George, Harry or Shig.
    You have Nisei relatives named Keiko, Aiko, Sumi or Mary.
    Youre Sansei and your name is Janice, Glen, Brian, Bill or Kenji.
    Youre thinking of naming your Yonsei child, Brittany, Jenny,
    Lauren,Garett or Brett, with a Japanese middle name.
    All of your cousins are having hapa kids.
    You have relatives who live in Hawaii.
    You belong to a Japanese credit union
    Wherever you live now, you always come home to the Obon festival.
    The bushes in your front yard are trimmed into balls.
    You have a kaki tree in the backyard.
    You have at least one bag of sembei in the house at all times.
    You have a Japanese doll in a glass case in your living room.
    You have a nekko cat in your house for good luck.
    You have large Japanese platters in your china cabinet.
    You have the family mon and Japanese needlepoint on the wall.
    You own a multicolored lime green polyester patchwork quilt.
    Your grandma used to crochet all your blankets, potholders and dishtowels.
    You check to see if you need to take off your shoes at your JA friends
    houses.
    When you visit other JAs, you give or receive a bag of fruits or
    vegetables.
    When you visit other JAs, you know that you should bring omiage.
    When you leave a JA house, you take leftover food home on a paper plate or
    a Styrofoam meat tray.
    You keep a supply of rubber bands, twist ties, butter and tofu containers
    in the kitchen.
    You have an air pump thermos covered with lilacs.
    You know that Pat Morita doesnt really speak like Mr. Miyagi.
    Youre mad because Kristi Yamaguchi should have gotten more commercial
    endorsements than Nancy Kerrigan.
    You know someone who has run for the Nisei Queen Pageant.
    When your back is sore, you use Tiger Balm or that flexi-stick with the
    rubber ball on the end that goes, "katonk," "katonk."
    After funerals, you go for Chinameshi.
    After giving koden, you get stamps in the mail.
    You fight fiercely for the check after dinner.
    Youve hidden money in the pocket of the person who paid for dinner.
    You dont need to read the instructions on the proper use of hashi.
    You know that Benihanas isnt real Japanese food.
    You eat soba on New Years Eve.
    You start off the new year with a bowl of ozoni for good luck and the
    mochi sticks to the roof of your mouth.
    You know not to eat the tangerine on the top of the mochi at New Years.
    You have a 12-pack of mochi in your freezerthat you still refuse to
    throw away in July.
    You pack bento for road trips.
    Your grandma made the best sushi in town.
    You cut all your carrots and hot dogs at an angle.
    You know the virtues of SPAM.
    You were eating Chinese chicken salad, years before everyone else.
    You know what it means to eat "footballs."
    You grew up eating ambrosia, wontons and finger Jell-O at family potlucks.
    You always use Best Foods mayonnaise and like to mix it with shoyu to dip
    broccoli.
    You use the "finger method" to measure the water for your rice
    cooker.
    You grew up on rice: bacon fried rice, chili rice, curry rice or red rice.
    You like to eat rice with your spaghetti.
    You cant start eating until you have a bowl of rice.
    You use plastic Cool Whip containers to hold day-old rice.
    You like to eat your rice in a chawan, not on a plate.
    Along with salt and pepper, you have a shoyu dispenser at your table.
    You have a jar of takuan in your fridge.
    You buy rice 25 pounds at a time and shoyu a gallon at a time.
    Natto: you either love it or hate it.
    As a kid, you used to eat Botan rice candy.
    You know the story of Momotaro.
    You have a pet named Chibi or Shiro.
    Someone you know, owns an Akita or Shiba dog.
    You went to J-school and your best subject was recess.
    At school, you had those Hello Kitty pencil boxes and sweet smelling
    erasers.
    When youre sick, you eat okayu.
    Milk makes you queasy and alcohol turns your face red.
    Your dad owns a Members Only jacket.
    Someone you know drives an Acura Integra, Honda Accord or Toyota Camry.
    You used to own one of those miniature zori keychains
    You have a kaeru frog or good luck charm hanging in your car.
    Your parents compare you to their friends kids.
    You hang on to the illusion that you are superior to other Asians.
    Your dentist, doctor and optometrist is Japanese American.
    You socialize with groups of eight or more people.
    Whenever youre with more than three people, it takes an hour to decide
    where to eat.
    You and your friends call yourselves "Buddaheads," but dont
    like it when white people do.
    Youve heard your name pronounced a half-dozen different ways.
    You know that E.O. 9066 isnt a zip code.
    Youre not superstitious but you believe in bachi.
    You never take the last piece of food on a platebut will cut it into
    smaller pieces.
    As much as you want it, never ever take the lastanything. Enryo, enryo,
    enryo.

     

    Comments