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• If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head.
  Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them....
• Here's a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you com out you're all covered with leeches.
  Just say, "Hey, has anybody seen my raisins?" (Because leeches kind of look like big raisins....
• Don't ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go, the later you think you are.
  -- Jack Handey...
• A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake.
  Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help....
• When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, "No speaka English.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said, "Congratulations, it's a girl," I think a good gag would be to get real mad and yell, "A girl!
  ? You must have me mixed up with THAT dork!" and point to another father....
• I think when you go on trial they should have a parrot there that says guilty or not guilty for you, as a sort of courtesy.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If I come back as a horsefly, I think my favorite thing would be to land on someone's lip.
  Even if they smash you, ick!, you're all over their lip! -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...