Related:

• If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Despair is like a cable that is buried just under the surface of the ground.
  You pull it up and pull it up, but that cable just keeps right on going, clear across a field, until you come to a bunch of guys who are burying the cable....
• If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• Here's a good tip for when you go to the beach: A sand dollar may look like a nice cracker that someone left, but trust me, they don't taste like it.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, "No speaka English.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else
  just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball....
• To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around.
  That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?...
• I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head.
  Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them....
• Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody
  First, take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled-up napkin, and take that out too....