Related:

• If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do.
  Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised....
• If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
  -- Jack Handey...
• If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, "No speaka English.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your ac
  I don't think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people see that and they think, "Forgive me, but that's just too much....
• When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me.
  -- Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey...
• There should be a detective show called "Johnny Monkey
  because every week you could have a guy say "I ain't gonna get caught by no MONKEY," but then he would, and I don't think I'd ever get tired of that....