Related:

• I'm very loyal in relationships. Even when I go out with my mom I don't look at other moms.
  -- Garry Shandling...
• I'm not thrilled about flying.... We don't know how old the airplanes are and there's really no way for us to tell, 'cause we're laymen.
  But I figure if the plane smells like your grandmother's house, get out....
• I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know.
  -- Garry Shandling...
• Homer, you are asleep at your post! Now go change the expiration dates on the dairy products!
  -- Apu, "Lisa's Pony...
• Well, I did say we'll put it out and we'll put it out when we can.
  But I don't know what we can put out or when we can put it out. -- George Stephanopolou...
• I have such poor vision I can date anybody. -- Garry Shandling
• Selma: Marge's dates get homelier all the time. Patty
  That's what you get when you don't put out. [Or maybe Patty and Selma....
• Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to do, and how to be, I learned in kindergarten.
  Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate school mountain but there in the sandbox at nursery school....
• I'm dating a homeless woman. It was easier to talk her into staying over. -- Garry Shandling