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• I have such poor vision I can date anybody. -- Garry Shandling
• I'm very loyal in relationships. Even when I go out with my mom I don't look at other moms.
  -- Garry Shandling...
• I can't believe I actually own my own house. I'm looking at a house and it's two hundred grand.
  The realtor says, "It's got a great view." For two hundred grand I better open up the curtains and see breasts against the window....
• I'm not thrilled about flying.... We don't know how old the airplanes are and there's really no way for us to tell, 'cause we're laymen.
  But I figure if the plane smells like your grandmother's house, get out....
• I'm dating a homeless woman. It was easier to talk her into staying over. -- Garry Shandling
• They should put expiration dates on clothes so we would know when they go out of style.
  -- Garry Shandling...
• The last girl I made love to, it was not going well.
  Anytime you make love and have to give her the Heimlich maneuver at the same time, it's not a good thing....
• My girlfriend and I fell in love with another woman over the phone.
• I know this world needs help.