Related:

• I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know.
  -- Garry Shandling...
• The last girl I made love to, it was not going well.
  Anytime you make love and have to give her the Heimlich maneuver at the same time, it's not a good thing....
• I'm very loyal in relationships. Even when I go out with my mom I don't look at other moms.
  -- Garry Shandling...
• I can't believe I actually own my own house. I'm looking at a house and it's two hundred grand.
  The realtor says, "It's got a great view." For two hundred grand I better open up the curtains and see breasts against the window....
• I'm not thrilled about flying.... We don't know how old the airplanes are and there's really no way for us to tell, 'cause we're laymen.
  But I figure if the plane smells like your grandmother's house, get out....
• I told someone I was getting married, and they said, "Have you picked a date yet?
  I said, "Wow, you can bring a date to your own wedding?" What a country! -- Yakov Smirnoff...
• I'm dating a homeless woman. It was easier to talk her into staying over. -- Garry Shandling
• They should put expiration dates on clothes so we would know when they go out of style.
  -- Garry Shandling...
• .. I have a VISION! It's a RANCID double-FISHWICH on an ENRICHED BUN!! -- Zippy the Pinhead