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• I have such poor vision I can date anybody. -- Garry Shandling
• I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know.
  -- Garry Shandling...
• They should put expiration dates on clothes so we would know when they go out of style.
  -- Garry Shandling...
• I can't believe I actually own my own house. I'm looking at a house and it's two hundred grand.
  The realtor says, "It's got a great view." For two hundred grand I better open up the curtains and see breasts against the window....
• I'm not thrilled about flying.... We don't know how old the airplanes are and there's really no way for us to tell, 'cause we're laymen.
  But I figure if the plane smells like your grandmother's house, get out....
• The last girl I made love to, it was not going well.
  Anytime you make love and have to give her the Heimlich maneuver at the same time, it's not a good thing....
• I said to my old husband, "I'm gonna take you out into the country for a picnic.
  Do you like the country?" He said, "Sure I do. When I was a little boy, I used to live in the country....
• Marge: All right, all right, but if you win, don't make a scene and dance around with your "woo-hoo"s, please!
  We can't afford a single slipup. They're judging us....
• I was walking down 126th Street on my way to work. Met a fella.
  He said, "Moms, I hate this, I really hate this, but, Moms, gimme some money!...