1) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle
Take two aspirin" and Keep away from children" --Author Unknow...
2) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that.
It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey...
4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it.
At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house....
5) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
Unknown, presumed deceased...
6) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.
7) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one.
If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice....
8) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat.
I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." --Paula Poundstone...
9) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men.
I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh' ." --Conan O'Brie...
10) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant??
I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....