Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited To A Dinner
Party At His Secret Afghan Lair, by Alan Meiss
1. Point out the lice in his beard to make him feel self-conscious.
2. Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, "Doesn't that sound
a lot like a B-52?"
3. Ask him if he's looking forward to replacing Hitler as Satan's
favorite chew toy in the lowest inferno of Hell.
4. Tell him all about your great vacation to Saudi Arabia, where you
went absolutely everywhere and did everything, just stomped all
over the place.
5. Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather line in
Buenos Aires and leave it off the hook.
6. Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle.
7. Now that you know the address of his secret cave hideout, fill out
magazine subscription cards for him for the Wine Spectator and
Penthouse. But do not, under any circumstances, send him Popular
Mechanics.
8. Order him ten Domino's pizzas with extra ham topping.
9. Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition.
10. Ask whether the Taliban gets cable, because you haven't seen "Sex
and the City" for weeks.
11. Yank the end of his turban really hard to make him spin around
like a top.
12. Switch all the CD's in the jewel boxes in his CD collection, so
that when he reaches for Michael Bolton, he'll actually get the
Oak Ridge Boys.
13. Mine his bathroom.
14. Use your dinner fork for your salad, and, if questioned by your
host, mutter something about "spots".
15. Leave business cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex.
16. Take pictures of all his wives and post them on
www.amihotornot.com.
17. Ask him if he wears boxers or briefs. Check. Take pictures. Again,
post these on www.amihotornot.com.
18. Give him a Hot Chicks of Palestine calendar.
19. Ask him if Paradise is different for each person, and whether in
your own paradise you'll get to, "kick his ass every day for
eternity."
20. Reset his VCR and leave it blinking 12:00.
21. Refer to him as "Osama-osama-fee-fi-fo-fama bin Laden."
22. Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues.
23. Tell him it's lovely what he's done with his cave, but that it'd
look much nicer covered with huge, smoking craters.
24. At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much prettier
place settings.
25. Claim you once saw him at a Hooter's in Muncie wearing a yarmulke.
26. Ask him if he wouldn't mind if you opened the door and shined your
laser pointer on his forehead for a few minutes.
27. Tell him that this is the worst pajama party you've ever attended.
28. Ask for some pork rinds and a good brew to wash them down.
29. Mix up his Rubik's Cube.
30. Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401K plan.
31. Compliment him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few
day lilies would be a nice accent.
32. Run your finger along his credenza, and say, "tsk, tsk" if there's
dust.
33. Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the
Stone Age, or perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell casings
survive.
34. Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled
with people of every race, religion, and background, including
millions of women strong enough to knock the crap out of him.
35. Claim that they serve much better falafel at the public executions
in Sudan.
36. Ask him if he's pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or
the "Completely Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd" Jihad.
37. Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, "Just think, in a few
weeks you might fit in this glass!"
38. Check to see if Saddam is on his speed-dial list.
39. They have to wait a few years to see current television shows in
Afghanistan, so give away the secret of who's having a baby on
"Friends."
40. Warn him that you're "in a New York state of mind."
41. Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burkas, and
ask whether they've ever thought of modeling.
42. Ask him, "Say, where do you keep all those Stinger missiles?" just
in case he'll be caught off guard and answer correctly.
43. Give him a "noogie" or a "wedgie." If there's actually still a
flush toilet left in Afghanistan, give him a "swirlie".*
44. Ask to borrow his hedge trimmer and never give it back.
45. Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See
if he charges interest. Claim that his properties are your "holy
lands" and blow up his hotels.
46. Fish out the secret toy surprises in all his cereal boxes.
47. Offer to take him "clubbing" in Tel Aviv with your friends Saul
and Ivan.
48. Ask him which Ninja Turtle is his favorite.
49. Give him your cell phone as a gift and ask him to leave it on for
a few days so your friends can call and say hi.
50. When you leave, wave and say, "Shalom!"

*Some translational notes for non-Americans: a "noogie" is a painful
head rub administered to the scalp while holding someone's head in an
arm-lock; a "wedgie" involves grabbing the back of their underwear and
hoisting it up until they squeal; a "swirlie" involves being dunked
head-first in a running flush toilet. See what you missed by not
attending school in the States? ;)

This article is copyright 2001 by Alan Meiss. You are free to forward
it to others provided you do not change or add to the contents; you
are also free to include the article in print or broadcast media
provided you send the author an acknowledgment at
ameiss@earthlink.net.

Please continue to support the recovery efforts, and remember, be good
to your neighbor, regardless of their religious faith or ethnic
background. God Bless America!

At Heathrow airport today an individual, later discovered to be a
public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in
possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphing calculator. Authorities
believe he is a member of the notorious Al-gebra Movement. He is being
charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

----------

New version:

"Terrorist apprehended"

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to
be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight
while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule,
and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he
believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is
being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,", Ashcroft said. "They desire average
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a
search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y"
and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they
belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates
in every country.

"As the Greek philanderer Iso sceles used to say, there are 3 sides to
every triangle," Ashcroft declared.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have
given us more fingers and toes.

"I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is
intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to
disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to
inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said,
adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root,
make our point, and draw the line."

President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the
potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never
before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to
factor-in random facts of vertex."

Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my
ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they
continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse
tightens around their necks."

Bush and Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the
barman,"Isn't that Bush and Powell?"
The barman says "Yep, thats them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are u guys doing?"
And Bush says, "We're planning world war 3"
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
And Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Afghans this time
and one bicycle repairman."
And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!!!"
So Bush turns to Powell and says, " See, I told you no-one would worry
about the 140 million Afghans!"

Everybody, sing along!

BOMB IRAQ

(to the tune of "If You're Happy and You Know It")

If we cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq

If the markets hurt your mama, bomb Iraq

If the terrorists are Saudi

And the bank takes back your Audi

And the TV shows are bawdy,

Bomb Iraq.



If the corporate scandals growin', bomb Iraq

and your ties to them are showin', bomb Iraq

If the smoking gun ain't smokin'

We don't care and we're not jokin'

That Saddam will soon be croakin',

Bomb Iraq



Even if we have no allies, bomb Iraq

From the sand dunes to the valleys, bomb Iraq.

So to hell with the inspections;

Let's look tough for the election,

Close your mind and take directions,

Bomb Iraq.



While the globe is slowly warming, bomb Iraq

While the globe is slowly warming, bomb Iraq

If the ozone hole is growing,

Some things we prefer not knowing

(Though our ignorance is showing),

Bomb Iraq



So here's one for dear old daddy, bomb Iraq

So here's one for dear old daddy, bomb Iraq

Saying no would look like treason,

It's the Hussein hunting season.

Even if we have no reason,

Bomb Iraq

What do you call Osama bin Laden buried up to his neck in sand?

Not enough sand.

Do you know how we can get Osama bin Laden?

Lace a bunch of Watchtower magazines with anthrax and send the Jehovah
Witnesses in after him. Those people can find anybody!

A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York.

Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull. He runs over and starts fighting with the dog.

He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.

A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers:

"Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl"

The man says: - "But I am not a New Yorker!"

"Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning:

" Brave American saves life of little girl'" - the policeman answers.

"But I am not an American!" - says the man. "Oh, what are you then?"

The man says: - "I am a Pakistani!" The next day the newspapers says:

"Islamic extremist kills American dog. Connections to terrorist networks are being explored"

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Saddam
is still alive", Saddam decided to send George W. a
letter in his own writing to let his friend know that
he is still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a
coded message: 370HSSV-0773H

George W. couldn't figure it out so he typed it in and
emailed Colin Powell. Colin and his aids had no clue
either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve
it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and
the cc list got longer and longer.

Eventually it arrived at the Fed. Dr. Greenspan looked
at it and replied the next second: "Perhaps the
President would wish to look at the message
up-side-down...."

In the United States, a guy is in his car on the
motorway when it arrives at traffic jam.

A while later, someone knocks on his window. The guy
rolls down his window
and asks "What's happening?"

The other guy says "Terrorists have taken Bush
hostage and demand a million dollars, otherwise they
will pour gasoline on him and throw a match at him.

So, I'm going from car to car to collect donations."

The driver asks: "And how much do people give?"

"5-10 liters. It depends."

1-George Bush's fav. song..... I Will Survive
2-Osama Bin Laden's theme song..... It Wasn't Me
3-Boston Airport Authority's song..... Who Let The Dogs Out
4-New Yorker's song..... Smoke Get In Your Eyes
5-Song that was played in the WTC..... Hit me Baby One More Time
6-Guys that jumped off WTC was singing..... I Believe I Can Fly
7-Pentagon's ex-theme song.....U Can't Touch This

Three guys: a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and Uncle Sam are out
walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops
out of it.

"I will give each of you each one wish. That's three wishes total,"
says the genie.

The Canadian says, "I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will
also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

With a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was forever
made fertile for farming.

Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan,
so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious
state."

Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* there was a huge wall
around Afghanistan.

"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please
tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet
thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out
- it's virtually impenetrable."

Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."

These were collected from late night TV shows like Jay Leno , David Letterman
and Conan O,Brien.

In California, 50 women protested the impending war with Iraq by
lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right
idea, wrong president." - Jay Leno

"More coming out about Saddam Hussein. We now know he takes Viagra
and he has as many as six mistresses. No wonder Congress is
reluctant to take action against this guy - he's one of their own."
- Jay Leno

"U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan says he can think of no reason
to attack Iraq right now. I can think of five off the top of my
head: Shell, Exxon, Mobil, Texaco and BP." - Jay Leno

"As we head to war with Iraq, President Bush wants to make one
thing clear: This war is not about oil, it's about gasoline." - Jay
Leno

"In a speech earlier today President Bush said if Iraq gets rid of
Saddam Hussein, he will help the Iraqi people with food, medicine,
supplies, housing, education - anything that's needed. Isn't that
amazing? He finally comes up with a domestic agenda - and it's for
Iraq. Maybe we could bring that here if it works out." - Jay Leno

"A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they
actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more
evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted
more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German
flag." - David Letterman

"President Bush said this Iraq situation looks like 'the rerun of a
bad movie.' Well sure, there's a Bush in the White House, the
economy's going to hell, we're going to war over oil. I've seen
this movie, haven't I?" - Jay Leno

"The latest rumor is the United States is working behind the scenes
to try to find a 'safe haven' for Saddam Hussein. See if he agrees
to step down and leave Iraq, we will relocate him. What a
nightmare, where are you going to send a guy who thinks America is
a nest of greedy imperialists intent on bleeding the third world of
all their resources? I mean, besides Berkeley?" - Jay Leno

"The bill gives the president the power to wage war on Iraq - or,
as President Bush calls it, "Operation Re-election.'" - Jay Leno,
on the vote in Congress to authorize war against Iraq

"It's like they're the Wal-Mart of evil." - Jon Stewart, commenting
on President Bush's description of Iraq as a country that "gathers
the most serious dangers of our age in one place"

"What was left unclear...is what will happen after Saddam is gone?
Democracy seems unlikely, so the hope is that Saddam will be
replaced by a more pliable leader, someone we can work with to keep
the country under control, maintain regional balance of power.
Someone sympathetic, secular, someone like, oh...1982 Saddam." -
Jon Stewart

"Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news -
they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have
to drop it with a camel." - David Letterman

"President Bush said it's now time for a change in Iraq and he
wants them to have a Western-style democracy like ours. So right
now in Iraq, the economy is collapsing, businessmen are corrupt,
and Hussein wants his son to take over as president. Sounds like
mission accomplished." - Jay Leno

"The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for
us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all
lining up." - Jay Leno

"The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if
we go to war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said
he'd like to help, but he's pretty sure that last time he checked,
Canada had no army." - Conan O'Brien

"Germany is now saying that they won't go along with an invasion of
Iraq. However, they did say they would go along if the invasion
included Poland, France and Belgium." - Jay Leno

"A lot of controversy over this possible invasion of Iraq. In fact,
Nelson Mandela was so upset, he called Bush's dad. How
embarrassing, when world leaders start calling your father." - Jay
Leno

"Bush said he wants a change so that the people of Iraq will be
allowed to choose their own leaders. Good luck, we can't even get
the people of Florida to choose their own leaders." - Jay Leno

"The Bush administration has apparently approved a plan to oust
Saddam Hussein. I think that's President Bush's Father's Day gift
to his Dad." - Jay Leno

"Here's something dreadful I heard about. You know these suicide
bombers. Turns out Saddam Hussein is paying these people. He's
paying people money to blow themselves up. Isn't that nuts? Isn't
that just bizarre? More bizarre than that, recently he increased
their salary. The increase is $10,000 to $25,000 for a suicide
bombing. Coincidentally, that's the same deal I signed up for with
CBS." - David Letterman

"Saddam Hussein has raised the amount going to suicide bombers from
$10 thousand dollars to $25 thousand. What's next, a health care
plan?" - Jay Leno

"The New York Times is reporting that the Bush administration has a
post-war plan to turn Iraq into a democracy. If the plan works it
might be tried in Florida." - Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, Saddam Hussein got 100 percent of the vote. Well,
that's according to Saddam's campaign manager, Jeb Hussein." - Jay
Leno

--

More:

"President Bush announced tonight that he believes in democracy and that
democracy can exist in Iraq. They can have a strong economy, they can have a
good health care plan, and they can have a free and fair voting. Iraq? We
can't even get this in Florida."

Jay Leno


"President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage
war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the
American voters to become president, either."

David Letterman


"We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass
destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq.
There's just one problem - it's in North Korea."

Jon Stewart


"Well, it looks like we've moved a step closer to war. Not with Iraq. With
France and Germany. How did we screw that one up?"

Jay Leno



"As we head to war with Iraq, President Bush wants to make one thing clear:
This war is not about oil, it's about gasoline."

Jay Leno


"In California, 50 women protested the impending war with Iraq by lying on
the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong
president."

Jay Leno


"In a speech earlier today President Bush said if Iraq gets rid of Saddam
Hussein, he will help the Iraqi people with food, medicine, supplies,
housing, education - anything that's needed. Isn't that amazing? He finally
comes up with a domestic agenda - and it's for Iraq. Maybe we could bring
that here if it works out."

Jay Leno


"President Bush said this Iraq situation looks like 'the rerun of a bad
movie.' Well sure, there's a Bush in the White House, the economy's going to
hell, we're going to war over oil. I've seen this movie, haven't I?"

Jay Leno



"CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three
parts ... regular, premium and unleaded."

Jay Leno


"Iraq began destroying those missiles they don't have over the weekend. See,
President Bush may be the smartest military president in history. First, he
gets Iraq to destroy all of their own weapons. Then he declares war."

Jay Leno


"The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow
'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular."

Jay Leno


"President Bush spent last night calling world leaders to support the war
with Iraq and it is sad when the most powerful man on earth is yelling, I
know you're there, pick up, pick up."

Craig Kilborn



"In an interview with Dan Rather, Saddam has challenged President Bush to a
live, televised debate. I think this would be fair, since English is a
second language to both of them."

Jay Leno

"Some Democrats say the estimated $60 billion dollar cost of a war with Iraq
could be better spent at home. When he heard that, President Bush agreed and
announced plans to bomb Ohio."

Jay Leno



There was never and good war or a bad peace - Benjamin Franklin, September
11th 1773

>Federal Aviation Administration
>800 Independence Avenue S.W.
>Washington D.C. 20591
>
>Dear Sirs:
>
>I have the solution for the prevention of hijacking, and at the same time
>getting our airline industry back on its feet.
>
>Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women, we
>should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers.
>
>Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked
>woman, and of course, every businessman and some politicians ;-) in this
>country would start flying again in hope of seeing a naked woman.
>
>We would have no more hijackings, and the airline industry would have record
>sales.
>
>Now why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything
>myself?
>
>Sincerely,
>
>Bill Clinton

msn conversation between "you know who" & "you know who knows; who"!

LADIN AND BUSH ON MSN:
BinLaden9151: hello??
XprezbushX: who is this!!!11111 a/s/l
BinLaden9151: osama
XprezbushX: thats a funny name
BinLaden9151: at least its not bush lol
XprezbushX: shut up
BinLaden9151: did u get my message
XprezbushX: whut message
BinLaden9151: u know, my message
BinLaden9151: it wuz delivered by airmail
BinLaden9151: right into ur trade towers
XprezbushX: shut up that wasnt funny!!!!111111
BinLaden9151: lol
XprezbushX: SHUT UP!!!! :X
BinLaden9151: r u mad
XprezbushX: yah
BinLaden9151: why??????
XprezbushX: u messed with my country
BinLaden9151: well now u know how i feel
XprezbushX: whut do u mean
BinLaden9151: other countries and forces hurt my people all the time
XprezbushX: hello!!! whut duz that have 2 do with us
BinLaden9151: like u give guns and money and missiles and stuff 2 a lot of those people
XprezbushX: oic
XprezbushX: but ur terrorists, how can u speak out against violence
BinLaden9151: jeez u label anybody who goes against injustice a
terrorist
BinLaden9151: i bet if u were picking on my little brother and i
punched u youd start screaming TERRORIST! TERRORIST!
XprezbushX: i never touched ur little brother
XprezbushX: besides there r other, more civilized ways 2 battle
injustice
BinLaden9151: ur missing the point
XprezbushX: whutz the point anyway
BinLaden9151: i love my people like brothers and ur military is all
up in our holy land!!! 1
BinLaden9151: its pissing us off
XprezbushX: whatever dude
XprezbushX: is that all
BinLaden9151: no
BinLaden9151: imperialistic american globalization is a raging
torrent thats going to wash away our borders, our cultures and our identities
XprezbushX: whut u mean???!!!111111
BinLaden9151: im afraid that tomorrow im going to wake up and see a mcdonalds next to my mosque
BinLaden9151: and ur troops will be like, relax yall, just have a
happy meal!!
XprezbushX: so whut r u wearing
BinLaden9151: ???
XprezbushX: sorry wrong window lol
BinLaden9151: lol
XprezbushX: ok so whut were u saying
BinLaden9151: like
BinLaden9151: basically
BinLaden9151: a lot of all the jets and tanks and gunships that
terrorize us might as well be painted red, white and blue
XprezbushX: a/s/l
BinLaden9151: ???
XprezbushX: sorry wrong window again
XprezbushX: hello r u there
BinLaden9151: YESS!!
XprezbushX: u started all this anyway
BinLaden9151: did not!
XprezbushX: u did too!
BinLaden9151: u started it!!
XprezbushX: lalalala
XprezbushX: i cant hear u
BinLaden9151: i will make ur life a living hell
XprezbushX: haha ur acting like a 13 year old girl who just got her phone taken away
BinLaden9151: shut up
BinLaden9151: ur immature
XprezbushX: relax, have a happy meal lol
BinLaden9151: ARRRGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!11
XprezbushX: i think our blind rage is obscuring solutions--can we set aside our feelings and just talk about this like civilized
humans??

In a New York park, a young boy was attacked by a savage dog. A passer-by happened to see this
and came to the rescue. Having tackled the dog, he strangled it to death. A reporter for the New
York Times was watching all this and took snap shots for a front page picture in the next days paper.
Approaching our hero he said: "Your heroic feat will be published in tomorrow's paper under
the headline - Brave New Yorker rescues boy".
"I'm not from New York, though" replied the hero.
"Oh? In that case we'll change the headline - 'Brave
American rescues boy from savage dog'". "I'm not American either" replied the hero.
On being asked about who he really was, our hero replied "Well, I'm an Arab."
So the next day the headline on the front page of The New York Times said:
"Muslim Fundamentalist strangles dog to death in New York park. FBI investigating possible
link to al-Qaeda."

What is Osama bin Laden's favorite football team?

The New York Jets!

What's funner then nailing bin Laden to a tree?

Feeding his lifeless corpse into a meat grinder.

What's Osama Bin Laden going to be for Halloween?

Dead.

How many Osamas does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They don't have lightbulbs in caves.

What do Osama bin Laden and crabs have in common?

They both irritate Bush.

Why doesn't Osama bin Laden have sex with his five wives?

Because every time he spreads their legs he sees Bush.

Why don't the members of Al Qaeda go out to bars?

Because they can get bombed at home.

Yo mama is so ugly, when you came home from school, you said, "Osama
where's my mama?"

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat
down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They
would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and
whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs
in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They
selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and
removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they
came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its
cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get near
it.

When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange
looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry
for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10
seconds with the Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the
Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards
Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and
charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite,
the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite.
There was nothing left of his dog at all.

Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't
understand how this could have happened. We had our best people
working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female
dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic
surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie
dog."

GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!!!!!!!

Osama and Saddam are walking through a desert when they come across
a fence where a goat has his head stuck.

Saddam looks at Osama, Osama looks at Saddam and Osama smiles, drops
his pants, and starts goin to town with this goat, just tearin' his
ass up. After Osama is done, he says, "Alright, Saddam, your turn."

And Saddam drops his draws, grabs his ankles, and sticks his head in
the fence.

Why did Osama bin Laden visit Mount Sinai?

He wanted to see the burning Bush.

Why doesn't Osama bin Laden have sex with his five wives?

Because every time he spreads their legs he sees Bush.

What is funnier then a dead Osama bin Laden?

A dead Osama bin Laden in a clown suit.

Why did Osama bin Laden cross the road?

He thought he saw the American flag, so he ran for his life.

Why hasn't Osama bin Laden ever been circumcized?

Because there is just no end to that prick!

What's Osama bin Laden's favorite movie?

"Dude, Where's my Cave?"

What's the capital of Afghanistan?

KABOOM!!

Osama bin Laden and one of his followers were riding on a camel when
they stopped at a small town. Bin Laden got off the camel and lifted
up its tail and looked at the camel's butt. Just then a guy came over
and said, "What are you doing?"

Osama replied, "About 2 miles back I heard someone say, 'Hey, look at
the two assholes on that camel.'"

What did Osama name his last daughter?

Camela - after her mother.

Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that
they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he
asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

David's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would
get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama bin Laden," David says.

"Why Osama bin Laden," his father asks in shock.

"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy
could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to
think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a
little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to
Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over
the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't
hate anyone anymore."

His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride.
"David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the
Marines could blow the shit out of him."

A family just arrived in Canada as immigrants from Palestine. The first day
the 10 years old kid, went to a school in Montreal, he was asked by the
teacher to introduce himself.
He said: -"I just arrived from Palestine, and my name is Mohammed."
The teacher told him that this name doesn't properly fit with the newschool.
She suggested changing his name to "Johnny" and the kid liked the new name.
When he went back home, his mother yelled: -"Mohammed, come & chat with me
on your first day."
The kid didn't answer... his mother went to see why didn't he answer.
He said: -"My name is Johnny not Mohammed anymore," then his mother slapped
him & left. The same story was repeated with his father. He didn't reply,
thus he was slapped harder by his worried dad.
The second day when he went to the school, the teacher asked him: -"What did
you end up doing yesterday?"
He said: "Can you believe it? My first day as an immigrant in Canada I was
attacked by two Arab terrorists!!!"

An old Arab man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to
spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work.
His only son, Abdul, who used to help him, was being
held by the FBI for aiding and abetting terrorists.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described
his predicament.

Dear Abdul, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks
like I won't able to
plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too
old to be digging up
a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would
be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Your
Dad, Mohammad.

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad, For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden,
that's where I buried the biological weapons. Love,
Abdul.

At 4 a.m. the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local
police showed up and
dug up the entire area without finding any weapons.
They apologized to the oldman and left. That same day
the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's
the best I could do under the circumstances. Love,
Abdul.

Osama bin Laden and one of his followers were riding on a camel when they stopped at a small town. Bin Laden gets off the camel and lifts up its tail and looks at the camel's butt, just then a guy comes over and says, "What are you doing?"

Osama replies, "About 2 miles back I heard someone say, 'Hey, look at the two assholes on that camel.'"

Saddam's phone call to Bush on September 11, 2001


Saddam: "President Bush, I would like to express my condolences to you. It
is a real tragedy - so many people, such great buildings. I want to
assure you we had nothing to do with that - it was not us."
Bush: "What? - What buildings? What people?"
Saddam: "Ummm...what time is it in America now?"
Bush: "It's 8:00 in the morning."
Saddam: "Ooops... Sorry I'll call you again in an hour. Bye."

How do you play Taliban Bingo?

B-52, F-15, B-1...

My answer to "What to do with Bin Laden?" Well, this sounds good to
me. It would be true poetic justice:

Killing him will only create a martyr. Holding him prisoner will
inspire his comrades to take hostages to demand his release.
Therefore, I suggest we do neither.

Let the Secret Service, Navy Seals, or whomever covertly capture him,
fly him to an undisclosed hospital, and have surgeons quickly perform
a complete sex change operation.

Then we return "her" to Afghanistan to live as a woman under the
Taliban.

How come the Taliban are not circumcised?

It gives them a place to put their bubblegum during a sandstorm.

How do you stop a Taliban tank?

Shoot the guy pushing it!