These were collected from late night TV shows like Jay Leno , David Letterman
and Conan O,Brien.
In California, 50 women protested the impending war with Iraq by
lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right
idea, wrong president." - Jay Leno
"More coming out about Saddam Hussein. We now know he takes Viagra
and he has as many as six mistresses. No wonder Congress is
reluctant to take action against this guy - he's one of their own."
- Jay Leno
"U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan says he can think of no reason
to attack Iraq right now. I can think of five off the top of my
head: Shell, Exxon, Mobil, Texaco and BP." - Jay Leno
"As we head to war with Iraq, President Bush wants to make one
thing clear: This war is not about oil, it's about gasoline." - Jay
"In a speech earlier today President Bush said if Iraq gets rid of
Saddam Hussein, he will help the Iraqi people with food, medicine,
supplies, housing, education - anything that's needed. Isn't that
amazing? He finally comes up with a domestic agenda - and it's for
Iraq. Maybe we could bring that here if it works out." - Jay Leno
"A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they
actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more
evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted
more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German
flag." - David Letterman
"President Bush said this Iraq situation looks like 'the rerun of a
bad movie.' Well sure, there's a Bush in the White House, the
economy's going to hell, we're going to war over oil. I've seen
this movie, haven't I?" - Jay Leno
"The latest rumor is the United States is working behind the scenes
to try to find a 'safe haven' for Saddam Hussein. See if he agrees
to step down and leave Iraq, we will relocate him. What a
nightmare, where are you going to send a guy who thinks America is
a nest of greedy imperialists intent on bleeding the third world of
all their resources? I mean, besides Berkeley?" - Jay Leno
"The bill gives the president the power to wage war on Iraq - or,
as President Bush calls it, "Operation Re-election.'" - Jay Leno,
on the vote in Congress to authorize war against Iraq
"It's like they're the Wal-Mart of evil." - Jon Stewart, commenting
on President Bush's description of Iraq as a country that "gathers
the most serious dangers of our age in one place"
"What was left unclear...is what will happen after Saddam is gone?
Democracy seems unlikely, so the hope is that Saddam will be
replaced by a more pliable leader, someone we can work with to keep
the country under control, maintain regional balance of power.
Someone sympathetic, secular, someone like, oh...1982 Saddam." -
"Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news -
they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have
to drop it with a camel." - David Letterman
"President Bush said it's now time for a change in Iraq and he
wants them to have a Western-style democracy like ours. So right
now in Iraq, the economy is collapsing, businessmen are corrupt,
and Hussein wants his son to take over as president. Sounds like
mission accomplished." - Jay Leno
"The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for
us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all
lining up." - Jay Leno
"The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if
we go to war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said
he'd like to help, but he's pretty sure that last time he checked,
Canada had no army." - Conan O'Brien
"Germany is now saying that they won't go along with an invasion of
Iraq. However, they did say they would go along if the invasion
included Poland, France and Belgium." - Jay Leno
"A lot of controversy over this possible invasion of Iraq. In fact,
Nelson Mandela was so upset, he called Bush's dad. How
embarrassing, when world leaders start calling your father." - Jay
"Bush said he wants a change so that the people of Iraq will be
allowed to choose their own leaders. Good luck, we can't even get
the people of Florida to choose their own leaders." - Jay Leno
"The Bush administration has apparently approved a plan to oust
Saddam Hussein. I think that's President Bush's Father's Day gift
to his Dad." - Jay Leno
"Here's something dreadful I heard about. You know these suicide
bombers. Turns out Saddam Hussein is paying these people. He's
paying people money to blow themselves up. Isn't that nuts? Isn't
that just bizarre? More bizarre than that, recently he increased
their salary. The increase is $10,000 to $25,000 for a suicide
bombing. Coincidentally, that's the same deal I signed up for with
CBS." - David Letterman
"Saddam Hussein has raised the amount going to suicide bombers from
$10 thousand dollars to $25 thousand. What's next, a health care
plan?" - Jay Leno
"The New York Times is reporting that the Bush administration has a
post-war plan to turn Iraq into a democracy. If the plan works it
might be tried in Florida." - Conan O'Brien
"Yesterday, Saddam Hussein got 100 percent of the vote. Well,
that's according to Saddam's campaign manager, Jeb Hussein." - Jay
"President Bush announced tonight that he believes in democracy and that
democracy can exist in Iraq. They can have a strong economy, they can have a
good health care plan, and they can have a free and fair voting. Iraq? We
can't even get this in Florida."
"President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage
war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the
American voters to become president, either."
"We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass
destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq.
There's just one problem - it's in North Korea."
"Well, it looks like we've moved a step closer to war. Not with Iraq. With
France and Germany. How did we screw that one up?"
"As we head to war with Iraq, President Bush wants to make one thing clear:
This war is not about oil, it's about gasoline."
"In California, 50 women protested the impending war with Iraq by lying on
the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong
"In a speech earlier today President Bush said if Iraq gets rid of Saddam
Hussein, he will help the Iraqi people with food, medicine, supplies,
housing, education - anything that's needed. Isn't that amazing? He finally
comes up with a domestic agenda - and it's for Iraq. Maybe we could bring
that here if it works out."
"President Bush said this Iraq situation looks like 'the rerun of a bad
movie.' Well sure, there's a Bush in the White House, the economy's going to
hell, we're going to war over oil. I've seen this movie, haven't I?"
"CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three
parts ... regular, premium and unleaded."
"Iraq began destroying those missiles they don't have over the weekend. See,
President Bush may be the smartest military president in history. First, he
gets Iraq to destroy all of their own weapons. Then he declares war."
"The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow
'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular."
"President Bush spent last night calling world leaders to support the war
with Iraq and it is sad when the most powerful man on earth is yelling, I
know you're there, pick up, pick up."
"In an interview with Dan Rather, Saddam has challenged President Bush to a
live, televised debate. I think this would be fair, since English is a
second language to both of them."
"Some Democrats say the estimated $60 billion dollar cost of a war with Iraq
could be better spent at home. When he heard that, President Bush agreed and
announced plans to bomb Ohio."
There was never and good war or a bad peace - Benjamin Franklin, September