Redneck

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    Q: What do you call 32 Rednecks in one room?

    A: A full set of teeth.
    Comments

    • if he uses his light saber to cut the bottlecap off a beer
    • if he says "these are not the beers you're looking for"
    • if that "Disturbance in the Force" was just last night's baked beans and spare ribs
    • if the inside of the house looks more like Dagobah than the outside
    • if he calls his young apprentice, "Juner(JR)"
    • if he ever uses telekinesis to pull his jeans up
    • if the Force isn't the only thing that runs in the family
    • if he calls Hank Williams Jr. "Master"
    • if his landspeeder has a gun rack
    • if he meditiates to old CCR records
    • if he calls Yoda his Li'l green buddy.
    • if he has ever said, "Anger... fear...aggression... Yankees...the dark side are they."
    • if his X-Wing has a still in it
    • if his light saber has a beer can crusher in the base
    • if there is more oil on his robes than in his astromech droid
    • if his robes have the Golden Flour label on them
    • if he trim his beard and finds a Mynock
    • if he has ever used a light saber to light the barbecue grill
    • if he uses Jawas for a drink holder
    • if he fights with a light saber in one hand and a spit cup in the other
    • if he uses a Jedi mind trick to stop the beer truck
    • if he uses his Jedi healing powers to clear up his VD
    • if he thinks the best use of your light saber is picking his teeth
    • if he ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because he had to spit.
    • if his Jedi robe is Camouflage colored
    • if at least one wing of his X-Wing is primer colored
    • if he can easily describe the taste of an Ewok
    • if he can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks
    • if he think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets
    • if he has ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling
    • if his father ever said to him, "Shoot, son, come on over t' the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
    • if he's ever had his R-2 unit use its arc welding torch to get the barbecue grill to light

    • if he jump-starts his lightsaber off a car battery
    • if he beat the Gamorrean Guard in an "Ugly" contest
    • if his father's name is Garth Vader
    • if he got his light saber by sending in 750 Skoal Lids
    • if hes ever beaten up Han Solo for lookin at his sister
    • if he constantly mistakes R2 units for beer kegs
    • if he counts B. O. as a Jedi power
    • if he's ever used a light saber to skin a deer
    Comments

    Dear Son,

    I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't
    live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most
    accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be
    able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived
    here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have
    to change their address.

    This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts
    in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

    It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four
    days the second time.

    The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a
    little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we
    cut them off and put them in the pockets.

    We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make
    the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.

    About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found
    out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt
    or Uncle.

    Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get
    him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated
    him and he burned for three days.

    Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was
    driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He
    rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They
    couldn't get the tail gate down.

    Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you
    don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

    Love, Ma
    Comments

    Q: How does a redneck tell the difference between a bull and a cow
    in the dark?

    A: He sticks his nose in the animal's ass... if there's a place for
    his tongue, it's a cow.
    Comments

    A ventriloquist was making fun of rednecks with his dummy at a bar.
    Then an angry redneck stood up, rolled up his sleeves ,and yelled, "I
    resent that!"

    The ventriloquist started apologizing to the redreck.

    The redneck looked at him and said, " You stay outta this, I''m
    talking to the guy on your lap!!!!
    Comments

    If you have six lovers and five are your daughters, you might be a
    redneck.
    Comments

    What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in a room?

    A full set of teeth.
    Comments

    A redneck taped toilet paper to his television.

    He said, "Hey, lookie here, now we have free paper view!"
    Comments

    You just might possibly be a redneck if your belt buckle is bigger
    than your head.
    Comments

    You know you're a redneck if you think the last four words of the
    national anthem are:

    "Gentlemen, start your engines!"
    Comments

    The headwaiter of a five-star, elegant restaurant recoiled in
    disgust as a man in muddy hipwader boots, torn jeans, a dirty leather
    jacket, with long, stringy dirty hair, and a beard full of old crumbs
    of food marched right towards him.

    The man said, "Yo, bucko, where's your crapper?"

    The headwaiter calmly replied, "Go down the hall and turn left. When
    you see the sign marked 'Gentlemen', pay absolutely no attention to it
    and go right inside."
    Comments

    What does a redneck say before he gets injured? "Watch this!"
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if your baby's first words were, "Attention,
    K-mart shoppers."
    Comments

    Redneck Bar Bell If you have to use concrete in the ends of a 2" P V
    C pipe as weights you might be a Redneck
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if it takes two twinkies, a beer and your
    sister to get to second base.
    Comments

    If your wife says ''Come move this trasmission so I can take a
    bath.''... you might be a redneck.
    Comments

    You know your a redneck if a beaver bites your nipple off!
    Comments

    A man and and a woman from Alabama don't want any more children
    because they already have 11. So the husband goes to a doctor in Ohio.
    The doctor asks, "What state are you from?

    The man say,s "Alabama." The doctor tells him to go home, put a lit
    cherry bomb in an empty soda can, hold it in his hand, and count to
    10. The husband isn't so sure of this, so he goes to another doctor,
    this time in California.

    When that doctor finds out that the husband is from Alabama, he tells
    him the exact same thing that the doctor in Ohio told him. The husband
    figures that the doctors must be right.

    So he goes home, puts a lit cherry bomb in a soda can, and starts to
    count. ''1...2...3...4...5...'' The husband takes the soda can and
    puts it between his legs to continue counting on his fingers on his
    right hand. ''6...7...8...9...''
    Comments

    A redneck takes his daughter to the doctor to get birth control
    pills. The doctor wonders if she's a little young for birth control
    pills and asks her father if she's sexually active. The father
    replies, "No, she just kinda lays there, just like her mother."
    Comments

    Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a redneck?

    A: If she can chew tobacco and suck dick at the same time and still
    know which one to spit out.
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if your wife yells, ''Come on, move this
    transmission so I can take a bath!''
    Comments

    Q: How does a redneck take a bubblebath?

    A: He farts in a puddle.
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you think fly swatting is a national
    sport.
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you dad bought you a gallon of
    Peptol-Bismol for Christmas.
    Comments

    You know you're a redneck when... you go Christmas shopping for your
    mom, sister, and girlfriend and only come back with one gift.
    Comments

    A Hillbilly family's only son had saved up money to go to college
    and after about 3 years he came back home. They were sitting around
    the dinner table when the dad said, ''Well son, you done gone to
    college so you must be perty smart. Why don't you speak some math fer'
    us?''

    ''Ok, Pa'', the son said then, ''Pi R squared.''

    After a moment the Dad said, ''Why son, they ain't teached ya nothin'!
    Pie are round, cornbread are square.''
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if your congregation uses shot glasses for
    communion.
    Comments

    Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter.
    Log Off: Don't add no wood.
    Monitor: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
    Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.
    Mega Hertz: When yer not careful downloadin'.
    Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin' too much firewood.
    Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.
    Hard Drive: Gettin' home in the winter season.
    Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter.
    Windows: What to shut when it's below 15 below.
    Screen: What 'cha need for the black fly season.
    Byte: That's what the flies do.
    Chip: What to munch on.
    Micro Chip: What's left in the bottom of the bag.
    Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred's around.
    Modem: What 'cha did to the hay fields.
    Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife.
    Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.
    Keyboard: Where ya hang your keys.
    Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils.
    Mouse: Whats eats the horses grain.
    Main Frame: Hold up the barn roof.
    Port: Fancy wine.
    Enter: C'mon in.
    Random Access Memory: You can't remember whatcha' paid for that new
    rifle when your wife asks.
    Comments

    You know you're a redneck when your flyswatter doubles as your
    spatula!
    Comments

    You know you're a redneck when the biggest city you've been to is
    Wal-Mart.
    Comments

    • Achy, Breaky Tell-Tale Heart
    • Nightmare on Rural Route One, Up Past That There Silo
    • Ah Seen What Y'all Done Last Summer
    • The Creature From Clint Black's Spittoon
    • Don't Tell Me You Love Me if You're Gnawing Off My Leg
    • Night of the Homosekshual, BMW-Drivin', Neiman Marcus Suit-Wearin' Zombies
    • Jurassic Trailer Park
    • Something Twangy This Way Comes
    • Psychoklahoma
    • The Hounddog of the Baskervilles
    • All My Axes are in My Exes
    • Throw Momma from Shania Twain
    • The Expectorist
    • She Broke My Heart and Then She Ate It
    Comments

    What's the last thing a redneck says before he dies?
    Hey! Watch this...
    Comments

    What do a hurricane, a tornado, and a redneck divorce all have in
    common?
    Someone's fixin to lose a house trailer...
    Comments

    [email]

    Dog

    Two rednecks were sitting on their porch one afternoon and looked
    down at their dog who was licking his dick.

    One of the the guys looked at the other and said, ''I wish that I
    could do that.''

    The other one then said, 'Don't be stupid, man - that dog would bite
    you!''
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you mow your grass and find three cars.
    You might be a redneck if you think the first four words of the
    national anthem are, ''Gentlemen start your engines''.
    Comments

    The U.S. Government decided to take an experiment to see what people
    say right before they get into an auto accident.
    89% of the people in 49 states said: ''Oh, shit!''
    In Texas 94% said: ''Hold my beer. Watch this.''
    Comments

    Last name: ________________

    First name (check appropriate box):

    [_] Billy-Bob
    [_] Bobby-Sue
    [_] Billy-Joe
    [_] Bobby-Jo
    [_] Billy-Ray
    [_] Bobby-Ann
    [_] Billy-Sue
    [_] Bobby-Lee
    [_] Billy-Mae
    [_] Bobby-Ellen
    [_] Billy-Jack
    [_] Bobby-Beth-Ann

    Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

    Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure

    Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

    Occupation:

    [_] Farmer
    [_] Mechanic
    [_] Hair Dresser
    [_] Waitress
    [_] Unemployed
    [_] Dirty Politician

    Spouse's Name: __________________________
    2nd Spouse's Name: _________________________
    3rd Spouse's Name: _________________________
    Lover's Name: ____________________________
    2nd Lover's Name: __________________________

    Relationship with spouse:

    [_] Sister [_] Aunt
    [_] Brother
    [_] Uncle
    [_] Mother
    [_] Son
    [_] Father
    [_] Daughter
    [_] Cousin
    [_] Pet

    Number of children living in household: ___
    Number of children living in shed: ___
    Number of children that are yours: ___

    Mother's Name: _______________________
    Father's Name: _______________________
    (If not sure, leave blank)

    Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

    Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

    Vehicles you own and where you keep them:

    ___ Total number of vehicles you own
    ___ Number of vehicles that still crank
    ___ Number of vehicles in front yard
    ___ Number of vehicles in back yard
    ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

    Firearms you own and where you keep them:

    ____ truck
    ____ kitchen
    ____ bedroom
    ____ bathroom
    ____ shed

    Model of your pickup: _____________
    Year pickup produced: 194____

    Do you have a gun rack?

    [_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:_________________________

    Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

    [_] The National Enquirer
    [_] The Globe
    [_] MAXIM
    [_] TV Guide
    [_] Soap World
    [_] Rifle and Shotgun

    ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
    ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
    ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

    How often do you bathe:

    [_] Weekly
    [_] Monthly
    [_] Not Applicable

    How many teeth? ___
    Color of teeth:

    [_] Yellow
    [_] Brownish-Yellow
    [_] Brown
    [_] Black
    [_] N/A

    Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:

    [_] Red-Man

    How far is your home from a paved road?

    [_] 1 mile
    [_] 2 miles
    [_] don't know
    Comments

    1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that
    will support a 10 pound possum.
    2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed
    on blocks in your front yard? a) '66 Ford Fairlane b) '69 Chevrolet
    Chevelle c) '64 Pontiac GTO
    3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20
    gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to
    condense the product?
    4. A pulpwood cutter has chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The
    density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre.
    The lot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches.
    How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees?
    5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12
    simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?
    6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a
    field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16
    feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch
    collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
    7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an
    average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children
    place a mobile home on the man's land?
    8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep
    grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the
    average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will
    swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the
    mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will
    have mufflers and uncracked windshields?
    9. A Coal Mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The
    mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the
    beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be
    smoked during the shift?
    10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs
    shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you let your 12 year old daughter smoke at
    the table in front of her kid.
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you think fast food is hitting a deer at
    90 MPH.
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you think fast food is hitting a deer at
    60 miles an hour.
    Comments

    You know you're a redneck if you think a seven-course meal is KFC
    and a sixpack.
    Comments

    You know you're a redneck when your stair master has an ashtray!
    Comments

    You might be redneck, if your fly-swatter doubles as your back
    scratcher.
    Comments

    A redneck teacher decides to give her class a small pop quiz around
    Halloween.

    "Okay, how many of you have seen a ghost?" About 30% of the class puts
    their hand up.

    "Okay, how many of you have actually touched a ghost?" About 10% of
    the class puts their hand up.

    "Okay, how many of you have had sex with a ghost?" Dead silence, until
    a little redneck boy in the back row puts up his hand.

    "You've actually had sex with a ghost?"

    "Ghost? Oh. I thought you said goat!"
    Comments

    How do you know when you have a true redneck girl?
    When she can chew tabacco and give you a blow job at the same time,
    and knows which one to spit and which one to swallow.
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if your grandma goes to the bathroom and
    comes out yelling "Come look before I flush it!"
    Comments

    If your wife asks you to get some groceries, and you put on
    camoflage and grab a shotgun, you might be a redneck.
    Comments

    Guns don't kill people. Dumb-ass, shit-for-brains, rednecks with no
    jobs kill people.
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you and your wife have the same haircut.
    Comments

    Q: What do rednecks do on Halloween?

    A: Pump kin.
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you see a sign that says ''Just Say No To
    Crack'' and it reminds you to pull up your pants!
    Comments

    A truck driver was driving down the highway when he sees a priest
    hitchhiking on the road. He stops to pick up the priest, but he has a
    few misgivings about giving him a ride; usually when the driver sees a
    redneck on the road, he hits them -- with a priest in the truck, he'd
    have to swerve. But the driver decides to pick up the priest.

    A little while later, he comes across a redneck hitchhiking. He
    decides to just swerve and let this one live when, all of a sudden he
    hears a "BOOM!" The driver looks over at the priest, who says, "Don't
    worry -- I got him with the door."
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if a capital home improvement is four tires
    and rims
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you regularly check the mileage on your
    home.
    Comments

    A redneck couple gets married and are on their honeymoon. The woman
    changes into a sexy outfit and lies on the bed. She looks sheepishly
    up at her new hubby and whispers, "Please be gentle with me. I'm a
    virgin."

    The man gets up screaming, grabs his trousers and runs home to tell
    his father.

    His father comforts him by saying, "Now, now. It'll be okay, son. If
    she wasn't good enough for her own family, then she isn't good enough
    for ours."
    Comments

    How do you circumcise a redneck?

    Kick his sister in the chin!
    Comments

    1. Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.
    2. You have used your light saber to open and cook a can of pork and
    beans.
    3. You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth.
    4. At least one wing of your X-Wing fighter is primer-colored.
    5. There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.
    6. You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
    7. You can easily describe the taste of Ewok.
    8. You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.
    9. You think that the Stormtrooper Elite Guards are just KKK members
    with really good sheets.
    10. A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.
    11. You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not The
    Force.
    12. Your master has said, ''My finger you will pull..hmmm?''
    13. You have had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
    14. You have lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to
    spit.
    15. The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters.
    16. Wookies are offended by your B.O.
    17. You have used The Force to get yourself another beer so you didn't
    have to wait for a commercial.
    18. You have used The Force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
    19. You have used a light saber to clean fish or open a non-twist-off
    bottle of beer.
    20. Your father told you, ''Shoot, son come on over t' the dark
    side...it'll be a hoot.''
    21. You've had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy
    to light a bar-b-que.
    Comments

    • He'd have brought a fishing pole with him when he walked on water.
    • His last words on the cross would have been, "Hey, Paul, I kin see my house from up here."
    • He'd be famous for turning water into beer.
    • The prayer for the Passover meal would have been, "Good food, good meat, good God, let's eat."
    • His front yard would have been littered with broken down mule carts.
    • Instead of a grail, King Arthur would been searching for the Holy Beer Mug.
    • He would have cured blindness by yelling, "Yer healed" and slapping them on the forehead.
    • The disciples would have included Billy Bob, Scooter, and Bubba.
    • Sex, drinking, and dancing would clearly have been declared not sinful.
    • Instead of a fish, the symbol for Jesus would be a fishing lure.
    Comments

    You know you're a redneck if the door mat to you're trailer home
    doubles as a mud flap to your pick up truck.
    Comments

    What do you call a redneck in a fancy suit?
    ''Mr. President.''
    Comments

    You know you're a redneck when you wake up drunk naked next to your
    sister and ask, "Was I good in bed?"
    Comments

    How do you get a redneck gal pregnant?

    Come on her shoes and let the flies do the rest.
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you use your ironing board as a buffet
    table.
    Comments

    You might be a redneck Jedi if you say, "Luke I am your father...
    and your brother."
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if the interveiwer asks, '"Did you know that
    we are a Fourtune 500 Company?'"
    And you answer '"What track do y'all sponsor that race at? I ain't
    been to that one yet."
    Comments

    How many rednecks, does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    Three. One to hold the bulb, and two to turn the ladder.
    Comments

    [email]

    Luv

    A small north Florida wild animal park had acquired a very rare
    species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very
    "moody," and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park
    veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make
    matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

    While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed,
    a redneck part-time employee, responsible for cleaning the animals'
    cages. Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample
    ability to satisfy a female of any species (except human). So, the
    park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was
    approached with a proposition: Would he be willing to have sex with
    the gorilla for $500? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have
    to think the matter over carefully.

    The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but
    only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I'm not gonna kiss
    her. Second, you must never tell anyone about this." The park
    administrators quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what
    his third condition was. "Well," said Ed, "You gotta give me another a
    week to come up with the $500."
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you have to take your hat off so your wife
    can fit into the truck with you.
    Comments

    How can you tell if a redneck is married?
    There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.
    Comments

    • Never take a beer to a job interview.
    • Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
    • It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
    • If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
    • Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
    • DINING OUT

    • When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
    • If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
    • ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

    • A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
    • Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.
    • If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.
    • PERSONAL HYGIENE

    • While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
    • Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
    • Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
    • DATING (Outside the Family)

    • Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
    • Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
    • Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
    • THEATER ETIQUETTE

    • Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
    • Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
    • WEDDINGS

    • Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
    • Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
    • For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
    • Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
    • DRIVING ETIQUETTE

    • Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
    • When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
    • Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
    • When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
    • Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
    Comments

    If you think Bill Gates is some kind of security policy, you might
    be a redneck.
    Comments

  1. Diminished Fifth -- An empty bottle of Jack Daniels

  2. Perfect Fifth -- A full bottle of Jack Daniels

  3. Ritard -- There's one in every family

  4. Relative Major -- An uncle in the Marine Corps

  5. Relative Minor -- A girlfriend

  6. Big Band -- When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players

  7. Pianissimo -- "Refill this beer bottle"

  8. Repeat -- What you do until they just expel you

  9. Treble -- Women ain't nothin' but

  10. Bass -- The things you run around in softball

  11. Portamento -- A foreign country you've always wanted to see

  12. Conductor -- The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham

  13. Arpeggio -- "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"

  14. Tempo -- Good choice for a used car

  15. A 440 -- The highway that runs around Nashville

  16. Transpositions -- Men who wear dresses

  17. Cut Time -- Parole

  18. Order of Sharps -- What a wimp gets at the bar

  19. Passing Tone -- Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues

  20. Middle C -- The only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low

  21. Perfect Pitch -- The smooth coating on a freshly paved road

  22. Tuba -- A compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!"

  23. Cadenza -- That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes

  24. Whole Note -- What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year

  25. Clef -- What you try never to fall off of

  26. Bass Clef -- Where you wind up if you do fall off

  27. Altos -- Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Dori-toes"

  28. Minor Third -- Your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling

  29. Melodic Minor -- Loretta Lynn's singing dad

  30. 12-Tone Scale -- The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with

  31. Quarter Tone -- What most standard pickups can haul

  32. Sonata -- What you get from a bad cold or hay fever

  33. Clarinet -- Name used on your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo

  34. Cello -- The proper way to answer the phone

  35. Bassoon -- Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when

  36. French Horn -- Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m.

  37. Cymbal -- What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with

  38. Bossa Nova -- The car your foreman drives

  39. Time Signature -- What you need from your boss if you forget to clock in

  40. First Inversion -- Grandpa's battle group at Normandy

  41. Staccato -- How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home

  42. Major Scale -- What you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: "Darn! That was a major scale!"

  43. Aeolian Mode -- How you like Mama's cherry pie
  44. Comments

    You know you married a redneck when she fills out her family reunion
    name tag, "Four for a Dollar."
    Comments

    You could be a redneck if you were just married and you have nothing
    but empty Skoal cans strung from your bumper as you leave the church.
    Comments

    A young hillbilly always went out to the barn to beat off and when
    he was done he would shoot his load into a coffee can and hide it
    under the bench. One day his father caught him and told him, "Son,
    every time you do that you are killing a baby."

    The next time the boy went to the barn he was about to shoot his load
    and reached down to grab his can but a little frog had jumped in. The
    boy looked in the can saw the frog and said, "Son you're ugly but
    daddy loves ya."
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you have ever vacationed in a highway rest
    area.
    Comments

    A redneck calls into a radio advice show and asks, ''If I get
    divorced from my wife, does that mean she ain't my sister any more?''
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if the roof of your truck is higher than the
    roof of your house.
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you use a cactus for a toothbrush.
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if every time you see a sign that says: "Just
    Say No To Crack," it reminds you to pull up your pants.
    Comments

    If you have no cars that are moblie, and 14 cars that aren't, then
    you might be a redneck.
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if your last pictures were taken from the
    front and side.
    Comments

    What do you call a redneck with a pig under one arm, and a sheep
    under the other?

    Bisexual!
    Comments

    Robert Frost and a redneck came to heaven's gate at the same time.
    St. Peter stood at the gate with instuctions for the two: ''You cannot
    enter the gates of heaven until you can make up a poem and recite it
    to me using the word 'Timbuktu' in it.'' Robert Frost stepped up and
    recited a beautiful poem and was let in the gates.
    The redneck stepped up and St. Peter said, ''Now, what is your poem?''
    The Redeck paused and scratched. ''Oh! I got it,'' said the redneck,
    ''here it goes. . . Me and Tim a huntin' went, Met three maidens in a
    tent, They was three and we was two, So I bucked one and Tim bucked
    two.''
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you were conceived, born and taught on a
    pool table.
    Comments

    If your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs, you
    might be a redneck.
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you smoke hams after sex.
    Comments

    • Ain't No Trash In My Trailer Since The Night I Threw You Out
    • You Wanted To Get Hitched, But My Heart Is Filled With Whoa
    • Baked My Sweetie A Pie, But He Left With A Tart
    • I Lost My Honey Bunny On A Bad Hare Day
    • She Chews Tobacco, But She Didn't Choose Me
    • The Peach I Picked In Georgia Didn't Cling To Me For Long
    • Don't Want That Floozy In My Jacuzzi
    • I Found The Recipe For Heartbreak In A Cookbook On Your Shelf
    • Now That We're Miserable, I Hope You're Happy
    Comments

    Three railroad workers, a Chinese man, an Italian, and a redneck,
    are all sitting down to lunch.

    The Chinese man says, "If I get another egg roll in my lunch, I'll
    kill myself."

    The Italian guy says, "If I get another slice of pizza, I'll kill
    myself."

    The redneck says, "Iffin I get another ham hock, I'll kill myself."

    The next day, all three men get the same lunches, so they throw
    themselves in front of an oncoming train. At the funeral the Chinese
    man's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed an egg roll that day."

    The Italian guy's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed a slice of pizza
    that day."

    "Don't look at me," says the redneck's wife. "He done packed his own
    vittles."
    Comments

    Q: What do Rednecks call four empty Cool Whip containers on a table?

    A: Salad bowls
    Comments

    All drivers for Red Ball Express had orders to never ever pick up
    hitchhikers. Ol' Freddy was high-ballin' down the highway and saw an
    unbelievably stunning blonde hitch-hiking. Thinking with the wrong
    head, he pulled over and picked her up. Travelling down the highway,
    she leaned forward and looked in the rearview mirror.

    "You have a flat back there on the trailer," she said. Freddy pulled
    over, went back to have a look. While he was back there, the blonde
    slid over and drove off. Freddy was now pissed off. Soon, a motorcycle
    gang pulled up, beat the crap out of him and left Freddy naked and
    broke. Another Red Ball Express driver saw Fred and recognized him.

    "Fred, you okay?" he asked. Fred told him the entire story.

    "Oh, Fred," said the driver, unzipping his pants. "This just isn't
    your day."
    Comments

    Why did the stoplight turn red? You would turn red if you had to
    change in the middle of the street, too.
    Comments

    This lady goes to a vet and learns that that if you put a ribbon
    around a snoring dog''s penis he''ll roll over and stop snoring.

    The next night her dog is snoring so she goes to the kitchen and gets
    a red ribbon and ties it around her dog''s penis. His snoring stopped.

    Later on that night her husband is snoring and so she goes to the
    kitchen and gets a blue ribbon and ties it around her husband''s
    penis, and he stops snoring.

    The next morning her husband wakes up and looks at his dog and looks
    down at himself.

    "I don''t know what happened last night, but it appears we came in
    first and second."
    Comments

    A man goes to his doctor and says, ''Doctor, Doctor, please help me!
    I've got a problem.'' The doctor examines the man and finds the man
    has a red ring around his penis. The doctor gives him an ointment to
    rub on the problem area.

    ''It's all cleared up!'' the man reports when he returns. ''But what
    was that medication you gave me?''

    ''Lipstick remover.''
    Comments

    Three fans are walking to Fenway Park for the Red Sox-Yankees
    playoff series, when they see a foot sticking out of some bushes. An
    inspection revealed a dead-drunk naked woman. One man placed his
    Orioles baseball cap on her right breast. The Red Sox fan placed his
    cap on her left breast, and the Yankee fan put his over her crotch.
    They then called the police.

    The cop lifted up the Orioles cap, and made a few notes. He then
    lifted the Red Sox cap and made more notes. Then he lifted the Yankees
    cap, put it down, lifted it again and put it down. When he lifted it
    the third time the Yankee fan said, ''What are you doing? Are you some
    kind of pervert, or what?'' The cop said, I was just confused, usually
    when I see a Yankee cap, there's an asshole under it.''
    Comments

    What's red and furry and tackles people?
    Tackle Me Elmo!
    Comments

    Q: What do you call a redhead with an attitude?
    A: Normal.
    Comments

    You know you're a good ol' boy computer operator if...

    • Most of the e-mail you receive comes from people who want to borrow your truck.
    • You're right proud of that Jack Daniels mouse pad that you keep on your desk.
    • When your Mac is running a little slow, you try to fix it by squirtin' it real good with some WD-40.
    • You can't understand why the spell checker on your word processing software doesn't recognize the words "col'beer", "hon", and "frog-strangler".
    • One thing that bothers you is how hardly anyone who sends out e-mail has a handle. You get the itch to start a message with the words, "Hey, good buddy, you got your ears on?"
    • You can't figure out why Microsoft doesn't have its own NASCAR team. I mean, if it's good enough for Cheerios, Valvoline, and the Cartoon Network, it ought to be good enough for Bill Gates, right?
    • Instead of "bytes", you think of it as "horsepower".
    • You finally decided to buy a computer after the Gun and Knife Show went online.
    • You have been thrown out of several chat rooms for cussing and trying to start an online fistfight.
    • Your keyboard looks a little different than everyone else's. Instead of an apple, your command button has an okra on it.
    • Congratufreakin'lations - you hold the world record for most number of hits - on the World Wrestling Federation web page.
    • The reason your printer is jammed is that you dropped your tobacco chew spit cup into the paper holder.
    • Most of the e-mail you send starts with "I'll tell you what," "This ain't no bull," or "It's got to where you cain't..."
    • Some guy asked you about your floppy, so naturally you decked him.
    • You're pretty sure computers would work better if Briggs & Stratton began marketing a model that cranks up with a pull rope.
    • You think that every child should be linked up to the Internet for educational purposes. But you with there was more information about how to dynamite fish or build your own still.
    • Your favorite search engine is Yahoo, because you run around screaming it during football games and wrestling matches anyway.
    • The only reason you had your computer equipped with a CD-ROM was so you could listen to Merle Haggard.
    • You figure computer science will have peaked when you can buy a 12-pack of Old Milwaukee online without leaving your doublewide.
    Comments

    A redneck farmer one day points at his wife's chest and says, "If
    more milk came out of these we could get rid of the cows." Then he
    points to his wife's pussy and says, "If more eggs came out of this we
    could get rid of the chickens." So she points to his dick and says,
    "If this stood up we could get rid of your brother!"
    Comments

    Q: Why do rednecks' dogs have flat noses?

    A: From chasing parked cars...
    Comments

    How can you tell if a redneck's daughter is on the rag?
    Her brother's dick is red.
    Comments

    What are a typical redneck's three last words?
    "Hey, watch this! "
    Comments

    Artery: Study of paintings
    Bacteria: Backdoor to cafeteria
    Barium: What to do when treatment fails
    Bowel: Letter like A E I O or U
    Ceasarean Section: District in Rome
    Cat Scan: Searching for Kitty
    Cauterize: Made eye contact with her
    Coma: Punctuation Mark
    Congenital: Friendly
    D & C: Where Washington is
    Dilate: To live long
    Enema: Not a friend
    Fester: Quicker
    Genital: Non-Jewish
    Hang Nail: Coat Hook
    Impotent: Distinguished, well known
    Labor pain: Hurt at work
    Morbid: Higher offer
    Nitrate: Cheeper than day
    Node: Was aware of
    Outpatient: Person fainted
    Post op: Letter Carrier
    Recovery Room: Place to apholster
    Rectum: Dang near Killed Him
    Rheumatic: Amorous
    Secretion: Hiding something
    Tablet: Small table
    Terminal Illness: Sick at Airport
    Tibia: Country in North Africa
    Tumor: More than One
    Urine: Opposite of 'you're out'
    Varicose: Nearby
    Vein: Conceited
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if the most common phrase in your house is,
    "Someone go jiggle the handle."
    Comments

    Q: What do you get when you stick 32 rednecks in one room?
    A: A full set of teeth
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you don't know what day Saturday Night
    Live comes on TV.
    Comments

    If you think turtleneck is an ingrediant in soup, you might be a
    redneck.
    Comments

    You can tell when you're a Redneck when you walk with your son to
    school because you're in the same grade.
    Comments

    Q: How do you keep a Washington Redskin out of your yard?

    A: Put in an end zone.
    Comments

    If you make change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck.
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if going to the bathroom in the middle of the
    night involves shoes and a flashlight.
    Comments

    How do you tell if a redneck is rich?

    He has two cars up on blocks -- and one of them's all one color!
    Comments

    Q. How do rednecks have safe sex?

    A. They mark the sheep that kick!
    Comments

    If you refer to the fourth grade as your senior year, you might be a
    redneck.
    Comments

    You know you are a redneck when you have Sex Ed and Driver's ed in
    the same car.
    Comments

    You know you're a redneck if you do all of your Christmas shopping
    at a truck stop.
    Comments

    You know your a redneck if you''re playing soccer and you say ''''I
    hit my two best balls today... with a rake.''''
    Comments

    How'd the redneck git lost in space?
    He rolled down the window to spit out his chaw!
    Comments

    You know you're a redneck if you're part of the KKK, but you can't
    spell it.
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you study for a blood test.
    Comments

    Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do its own, entitled Survivor - Texas Style. The contestants will start in Dallas, travel to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From there, they'll proceed to Abilene, Ft. Worth and finally back to Dallas.

    Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read, "I'm gay", "I'm a vegetarian", "I voted for Al Gore", "George Strait Sucks", "Hillary in 2008", and "I'm here to confiscate your guns!" The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.

    Comments

    How do you know when a redneck isn't wearing any underwear?
    There's dandruff on his/her shoes.
    Comments

    Y'might be a redneck if yer TV antenna is a bread tie.
    Comments

    You know you're a redneck when people say you lie through your
    tooth!
    Comments

    Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. We have some Texans up here in Heaven who are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their robes, their dogs are riding in the chariots, and they're wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds and pig feet bones all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing."

    The Lord said, "I made them special, Gabriel. Heaven is Home to all my children. If you really want to know about real problems, let's call the Devil."

    The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Damn, hold on a minute." The Devil returned to the phone, "Okay, I'm back. What can I do for you?"

    The Lord replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there."

    The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something." After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?"

    The Lord said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"

    The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this....Hold on, Lord." This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Lord, I can't talk right now. Them damn Texans done put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning."

    Comments

  45. A smart ass just don't fit in a saddle.

  46. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: when you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

  47. Always drink upstream from the herd.

  48. Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.

  49. Ask no more and give no less than honesty, courage, loyalty, generosity, and fairness.

  50. Don't get mad at somebody who knows more 'n you do. It ain't their fault.

  51. Don't interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none.

  52. Don't let so much reality into your life that there's no room left for dreamin'.

  53. Don't never interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none.

  54. Don't squat with yer spurs on!

  55. Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

  56. Generally, you ain't learnin' nothing when your mouth's a-jawin'.

  57. Go after life as if it's something that's got to be roped in a hurry before it gets away.

  58. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

  59. If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.

  60. If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

  61. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

  62. If you want to forget all your troubles, take a little walk in a brand-new pair of high-heeled ridin' boots.

  63. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

  64. It don't matter so much how long a ride you have, as how well you ride it.

  65. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

  66. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.

  67. Makin' it in life is kinda like bustin' broncs: you're gonna get thrown a lot. The simple secret is to keep gettin' back on.

  68. Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.

  69. Never ask a man the size of his spread.

  70. Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.

  71. Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.

  72. Never grumble. It makes you about as welcome as a sidewinder in a cow camp.

  73. Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.

  74. Never miss a chance to rest your horse.

  75. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

  76. Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

  77. No matter who says what, don't believe it if it don't make sense.

  78. Talk low, talk slow, and don't say too much.

  79. Tellin' a man to git lost and makin' him do it are two entirely different propositions.

  80. The best way to have a quiche for dinner is to make it up and put it in the oven to bake at 325 degrees. Meanwhile, get out a large T-bone, grill it, and when it's done, eat it. As for the quiche, continue to let it bake, but otherwise ignore it.

  81. The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.

  82. The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.

  83. The first thing to do when you get up in the morning is put on your Stetson.

  84. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back into your pocket.

  85. The wildest critters live in the city!

  86. Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

  87. Trust everybody in the game, but always cut the cards.

  88. When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be suprised if they learn their lesson.

  89. When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

  90. When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

  91. Write it in your heart. Stand by the code, and it will stand by you.

  92. You don't need decorated words to make your meanin' clear. Say it plain and save some breath for breathin'.
  93. Comments

  94. Don't squat with your spurs on.
  95. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgments.
  96. Lettin' the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
  97. If you are riding ahead of the herd, take a look back now and then to make sure it is still there.
  98. If you get to thinking that you are a person of some influence, try ordering someone else's dog around.
  99. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
  100. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.
  101. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is quit digging.
  102. Never slap a man who is chewing tobacco.
  103. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
  104. Always drink upstream from the herd.
  105. When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
  106. When throwing your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by someone else.
  107. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
  108. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
  109. There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading, the few who learn by observation, the rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
  110. My grandfather once told me that there are two kinds of people: those who do the work and those who take the credit.
  111. Comments

    You might be a redneck if when you walk the dog you both use the
    same bush.
    Comments

    A redneck walks into a bar with a wet, steaming pile of shit in his
    hands.

    He looks over at the bartender with pride and says, "Lookie what I
    almost stepped in!"
    Comments

    What does a redneck girl and the Unabomber have in common?

    They've both been fingered by their brothers.
    Comments

    How did the redneck die drinking milk?

    The cow sat on him!
    Comments

    • Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
    • Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life
    • Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
    • Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
    • How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
    • How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life
    • I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
    • I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
    • I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
    • I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart
    • I Keep Forgettin I Forgot About You
    • I Wanna Whip Your Cow
    • I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck
    • I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
    • I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
    • I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
    • I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised
    • I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
    • I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line
    • If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
    • If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low
    • If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
    • If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
    • If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
    • Mama Get The Hammer (Theres A Fly On Papa's Head)
    • My Every Day Silver Is Plastic
    • My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
    • My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
    • Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You
    • Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill
    • She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft
    • She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
    • She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
    • She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty
    • Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
    • They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin Out
    • Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
    • When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In
    • You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith, Too
    • You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd
    • You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
    • You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life
    • You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you are working at a welfare office and
    are arrested for stealing food stamps.
    Comments

    There was this redneck that walked into a bar and ordered a beer.
    While he was waiting on his drink he noticed a jar of money sitting on
    the counter. When the bartender came back the redneck asked the
    bartender about the money.

    The bartender replied, "Well, this money is for the goat we have
    outside."

    The redneck was puzzled so he asked again. "What exactly is this money
    for."

    The bartender replied. "Well, We have a goat outside and he just lays
    there and never moves or hollers or anything and who ever can make him
    holler gets this money."

    So the redneck finished him beer and goes outside.

    He comes back in and the goat is laughing so hard and can't stop. The
    bartender askes how he did it and the Redneck won't answer. So the
    redneck walks out of the bar with the money.

    A week later the Redneck comes in and sees the same bartender. He
    orders the same thing. And this time he sees another jar of money. He
    askes the bartender what this money was for.

    The bartender replies "Well, ever sence you got that goat to laugh, we
    can't get him to stop. So we made another jar. Who ever can get that
    goat to stop laughing gets the money."

    So, just like last time he finished his beer and went out side.

    Well when he came in, the goat was crying. The bartender was wondering
    how he did it and the redneck replied, "A redneck never lets out his
    secrets."

    So, he took his money and left.

    About a week later the redneck came back and he saw another jar of
    money. So, he asked the bartender what this jar was. The bartender
    replied "Well, you have us all wondering how you did it. First you
    made him laugh then you made him cry and we want to know how you did
    it."

    The redneck just sat there laughing. He says "Well, to make him laugh,
    I told him my penis was bigger than his and to make him cry, well, I
    proved it to him."
    Comments

    Q: What does a redneck say to his friend after he has just stolen
    something?

    A: "Six-finger discount!"
    Comments

    Three rednecks are talking about how stupid their wives are.

    The first man says, ''My wife is so stupid, she bought an air
    conditioner--but we don't have electricity.''

    The second man said his wife was even more stupid because she went out
    and bought a washing machine--and they don't have plumbing.

    The third guy said, ''That's nothing. I was looking through my wife's
    purse and found six condoms--but she ain't got no penis!''
    Comments

    You know you're a redneck when at your wedding you toast with
    Budweiser.
    Comments

    If you tell your son to bring you your toolbox & he returns with
    roll of duct tape.......you know you're a redneck.
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if your toothbrush is a hand-me-down.
    Comments

    1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.
    2. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer
    appreciation suppers, and vacations.
    3. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose
    before your wife would let you in the house.
    4. You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
    5. You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide
    rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall
    your wife's birthday.
    6. You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.
    7. You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.
    8. You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in
    your driveway.
    9. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.
    10. You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel
    apples.
    Comments

    1) You've ever had to lug a paint can to the top of a water tower to
    defend your sister's honor.
    2) Your wife's hairdo has ever been destroyed by a ceiling fan.
    3) You go to your family reunion to pick up women.
    4) Your richest relative buys a new house -- and you have to help him
    take the wheels off it.
    5) You think a six-pack and a bug zapper is quality entertainment.
    6) Your family tree does not fork.
    7) You've ever been too drunk to fish.
    8) You've lost more than two teeth opening beer bottles.
    9) You helped your cousin move his refrigerator -- and the grass
    underneath it has turned yellow.
    10) You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
    Comments

    What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?

    In the end, someone is going to lose a trailer.
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you think "wind sprints" means running
    from a fart.
    Comments

    If you open the door to the pickup and soda cans fall out, you might
    be a redneck.
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if your wife wears the same underwear as you
    do.
    Comments

    How do you know if a redneck has been in your house?

    All your garbage is gone and your dog is pregnant.
    Comments

    What did the redneck girl say when she woke up with her dad on top
    of her.

    "Watch it Pa or you'll crush my smokes!"
    Comments

    1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter."
    2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
    3. There is a skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
    4. The password is, "bubba."
    5. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
    6. "Winders 95" has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.
    7. Outgoing faxes have beerstains on them.
    8. The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
    9. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
    10. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee
    options.
    11. Jeff Foxworthy *.wavs.
    12. The monitor is up on blocks.
    13. Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.
    14. Deer jerky in the desk drawer.
    15. The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with
    Dueling Banjos playing in the background.
    16. The six front keys have rotted out.
    17. John Deere Pocket Protectors.
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you're late for your wedding because you
    were at a monster truck rally.
    Comments

    What do you call 88 rednecks in an orgy?

    A family reunion.
    Comments

    Some people (especially Southerners) are pretty skeptical of horoscopes, and it has become obvious that what they need are their own "Southern" astrological signs.

    OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20)
    Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

    CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19)
    Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

    BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20)
    You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

    MOON PIE (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
    You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Or - maybe not.

    POSSUM (Apr 21 - May 21)
    When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work and you may find your problems actually running you over.

    CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21)
    Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

    COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23)
    Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those round them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

    CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23)
    Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

    GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23)
    Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

    BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23)
    You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

    BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22)
    Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

    ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21)
    You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky, mating possibility.

    Comments

    Why'd the redneck cross the road?
    Because he wanted to sleep in the ditch on the other side.
    Comments

    A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to
    claim it where the man verifies his ticket number.

    The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."

    To which the man replied, "No sir. It doesn't work that way. We give
    you a million today, and then you'll get the rest spread out for the
    next 19 years.

    The Redneck said, "I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want
    it."

    Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that
    day and the rest during the next 19 years.

    The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I WANT MY
    MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, THEN
    I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!''
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you sell your car for gas money.
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you're mowing your lawn and find a car.
    Comments

    Y'know yer a redneck, when someone yells "Hoedown!" and yer date
    drop t'the floor.
    Comments

    Y'might be a redneck if ya can french kiss yer girlfriend without
    partin' yer teeth!
    Comments

    You know you're a redneck when your family tree has only one branch
    in it, and it loops.
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if loading the dishwasher means getting your
    wife drunk!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you refuse to slide during a softball game
    because you don't want to crush your cigarettes!
    Comments

    You know you're in a redneck hotel when you phone the front office
    and say, "I've got a leak in the sink."

    And they say, "Go ahead!"
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if 29 out of the 30 words you use aren't in
    the dictionary!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if your mother has ammo on her Christmas
    list!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if ''Bambi'' made you hungry for rabbit!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if your wedding reception included a beer
    brunch!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you believe books are bad luck!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you spit chewing tobacco in the plants!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if there has ever been a crime scene tape
    across your bathroom door!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you've ever been involved in a custody
    fight over a dog!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you've ever hit a deer with your car,
    deliberately!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if your dog can't watch you eat without
    gagging!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you ever got too drunk to fish!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you're considered an expert on worm beds!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you clean your fingernails with a stick!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if...

    your lifelong goal is to own a fireworks stand.
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if your gas pedal in the car is shaped like a
    bare foot!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you've ever bought a used hat!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you've got more than one brother named
    Darryl!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck, if the Salvation Army declines your
    mattress!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you recycle motor oil by moving it from
    the car to the truck!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if directions to your house include ''Turn
    off the paved road...''
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if your mattress has more miles than your
    pick-up.
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you were shooting pool when any of your
    children were born!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if your stove is on the porch and your lawn
    chairs are in the kitchen!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you prefer car keys to Q-Tips!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you've ever give a rat trap as a gift!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you think the French Riviera is a foreign
    car!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you consider the fifth grade your senior
    year!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you like to brag you learned to fire a
    shotgun before you could walk!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you think subdivision is part of a math
    problem!
    Comments

    Y'might be a redneck, if you clean your toilet by peein' on the
    stains!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you've totaled every car you've ever
    owned!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you learned to drive in a monster truck!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if rather than drinking the sacramental wine
    at church you bring your own beer!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you believe All-Star Wrestling!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you pee in the pool...

    off of the highdive!
    Comments

    Y'might be a redneck if the UFO hotline limits you to one call per
    day!
    Comments

    YOU might BE a REDNECK you might be a redneck if you go to your
    washing machine for money.
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if the Bluebook value of your truck changes
    with the amount of gas you have in it!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you think a woman who is ''out of your
    league'' bowls on a different night!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you think Dom Perignon is a mafia boss!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you have more than one brother named
    Darryl!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if anyone in your family died right after
    saying, ''Hey, y'all watch this!''
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you think loading the dishwasher means
    getting the wife drunk!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if last year you hid Easter eggs under
    cowpies!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you go to your family reunion to meet
    women.
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if your father walks you to school because
    you're both in the same grade!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you high school fight song was ''Dueling
    Banjos!''
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you have to go outside to get something
    from your fridge!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you think genitalia is an Italian airline!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if your wife's hairdo was ever ruined by a
    ceiling fan!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you've been married three times and you
    still have the same in-laws!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you can't get married to your sweetheart
    because there's a law against it!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you lit a match in your bathroom it blew
    your house off its wheels!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if your toilet paper has page numbers on it!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if one of your kids was born on a pool table!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if your senior prom had daycare.
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you take a six-pack cooler to church!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you think the last words of the ''Star
    Spangled Banner'' are ''Gentlemen! Start your engines!''
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you wonder how service stations keep their
    bathrooms so clean!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you only need another holepunch to get
    your freebie at the House of Tattoos!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you have flowers planted in a bathroom
    fixture in your front yard!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you had to remove your toothpick for the
    wedding pictures!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if Jack Daniels makes your list of ''Most
    Admired People!''
    Comments

    You might be a Redneck if you use the same tree your dog does.
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if... you went to your mother's prom!
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if... Northern city-dwellers mock your
    isolated rural heritage, and utilize stereotypes referencing your
    supposed appetite for fornication with family relations, and your
    almost simian intelligence to further demean you.
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you can french kiss with a toothpick in
    your mouth.
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if your daddy walked you to school and you
    are both in the same grade.
    Comments

    You might be a redneck if you drive your truck through a metal
    detector...and it doesn't go off.
    Comments

    You are a redneck, if you read every joke in this database and don't
    get a single punch-line.
    Comments

    You're a redneck if you hear the phrase "Take out the trash" and
    shoot your mother-in-law.
    Comments