- if he uses his light saber to cut the bottlecap off a beer
- if he says "these are not the beers you're looking for"
- if that "Disturbance in the Force" was just last night's baked beans and spare ribs
- if the inside of the house looks more like Dagobah than the outside
- if he calls his young apprentice, "Juner(JR)"
- if he ever uses telekinesis to pull his jeans up
- if the Force isn't the only thing that runs in the family
- if he calls Hank Williams Jr. "Master"
- if his landspeeder has a gun rack
- if he meditiates to old CCR records
- if he calls Yoda his Li'l green buddy.
- if he has ever said, "Anger... fear...aggression... Yankees...the dark side are they."
- if his X-Wing has a still in it
- if his light saber has a beer can crusher in the base
- if there is more oil on his robes than in his astromech droid
- if his robes have the Golden Flour label on them
- if he trim his beard and finds a Mynock
- if he has ever used a light saber to light the barbecue grill
- if he uses Jawas for a drink holder
- if he fights with a light saber in one hand and a spit cup in the other
- if he uses a Jedi mind trick to stop the beer truck
- if he uses his Jedi healing powers to clear up his VD
- if he thinks the best use of your light saber is picking his teeth
- if he ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because he had to spit.
- if his Jedi robe is Camouflage colored
- if at least one wing of his X-Wing is primer colored
- if he can easily describe the taste of an Ewok
- if he can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks
- if he think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets
- if he has ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling
- if his father ever said to him, "Shoot, son, come on over t' the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
- if he's ever had his R-2 unit use its arc welding torch to get the barbecue grill to light
- if he jump-starts his lightsaber off a car battery
- if he beat the Gamorrean Guard in an "Ugly" contest
- if his father's name is Garth Vader
- if he got his light saber by sending in 750 Skoal Lids
- if he’s ever beaten up Han Solo for lookin at his sister
- if he constantly mistakes R2 units for beer kegs
- if he counts B. O. as a Jedi power
- if he's ever used a light saber to skin a deer
- Achy, Breaky Tell-Tale Heart
- Nightmare on Rural Route One, Up Past That There Silo
- Ah Seen What Y'all Done Last Summer
- The Creature From Clint Black's Spittoon
- Don't Tell Me You Love Me if You're Gnawing Off My Leg
- Night of the Homosekshual, BMW-Drivin', Neiman Marcus Suit-Wearin' Zombies
- Jurassic Trailer Park
- Something Twangy This Way Comes
- The Hounddog of the Baskervilles
- All My Axes are in My Exes
- Throw Momma from Shania Twain
- The Expectorist
- She Broke My Heart and Then She Ate It
- He'd have brought a fishing pole with him when he walked on water.
- His last words on the cross would have been, "Hey, Paul, I kin see my house from up here."
- He'd be famous for turning water into beer.
- The prayer for the Passover meal would have been, "Good food, good meat, good God, let's eat."
- His front yard would have been littered with broken down mule carts.
- Instead of a grail, King Arthur would been searching for the Holy Beer Mug.
- He would have cured blindness by yelling, "Yer healed" and slapping them on the forehead.
- The disciples would have included Billy Bob, Scooter, and Bubba.
- Sex, drinking, and dancing would clearly have been declared not sinful.
- Instead of a fish, the symbol for Jesus would be a fishing lure.
- Never take a beer to a job interview.
- Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
- It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
- If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
- Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
- When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
- If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
- A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
- Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.
- If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.
- While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
- Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
- Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
- Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
- Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
- Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
- Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
- Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
- Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
- Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
- For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
- Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
- Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
- When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
- Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
- When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
- Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
- Diminished Fifth -- An empty bottle of Jack Daniels
- Perfect Fifth -- A full bottle of Jack Daniels
- Ritard -- There's one in every family
- Relative Major -- An uncle in the Marine Corps
- Relative Minor -- A girlfriend
- Big Band -- When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players
- Pianissimo -- "Refill this beer bottle"
- Repeat -- What you do until they just expel you
- Treble -- Women ain't nothin' but
- Bass -- The things you run around in softball
- Portamento -- A foreign country you've always wanted to see
- Conductor -- The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham
- Arpeggio -- "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"
- Tempo -- Good choice for a used car
- A 440 -- The highway that runs around Nashville
- Transpositions -- Men who wear dresses
- Cut Time -- Parole
- Order of Sharps -- What a wimp gets at the bar
- Passing Tone -- Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues
- Middle C -- The only fruit drink you can afford when food stamps are low
- Perfect Pitch -- The smooth coating on a freshly paved road
- Tuba -- A compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!"
- Cadenza -- That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes
- Whole Note -- What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year
- Clef -- What you try never to fall off of
- Bass Clef -- Where you wind up if you do fall off
- Altos -- Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Dori-toes"
- Minor Third -- Your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling
- Melodic Minor -- Loretta Lynn's singing dad
- 12-Tone Scale -- The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with
- Quarter Tone -- What most standard pickups can haul
- Sonata -- What you get from a bad cold or hay fever
- Clarinet -- Name used on your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo
- Cello -- The proper way to answer the phone
- Bassoon -- Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when
- French Horn -- Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m.
- Cymbal -- What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with
- Bossa Nova -- The car your foreman drives
- Time Signature -- What you need from your boss if you forget to clock in
- First Inversion -- Grandpa's battle group at Normandy
- Staccato -- How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home
- Major Scale -- What you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: "Darn! That was a major scale!"
- Aeolian Mode -- How you like Mama's cherry pie
- Ain't No Trash In My Trailer Since The Night I Threw You Out
- You Wanted To Get Hitched, But My Heart Is Filled With Whoa
- Baked My Sweetie A Pie, But He Left With A Tart
- I Lost My Honey Bunny On A Bad Hare Day
- She Chews Tobacco, But She Didn't Choose Me
- The Peach I Picked In Georgia Didn't Cling To Me For Long
- Don't Want That Floozy In My Jacuzzi
- I Found The Recipe For Heartbreak In A Cookbook On Your Shelf
- Now That We're Miserable, I Hope You're Happy
- Most of the e-mail you receive comes from people who want to borrow your truck.
- You're right proud of that Jack Daniels mouse pad that you keep on your desk.
- When your Mac is running a little slow, you try to fix it by squirtin' it real good with some WD-40.
- You can't understand why the spell checker on your word processing software doesn't recognize the words "col'beer", "hon", and "frog-strangler".
- One thing that bothers you is how hardly anyone who sends out e-mail has a handle. You get the itch to start a message with the words, "Hey, good buddy, you got your ears on?"
- You can't figure out why Microsoft doesn't have its own NASCAR team. I mean, if it's good enough for Cheerios, Valvoline, and the Cartoon Network, it ought to be good enough for Bill Gates, right?
- Instead of "bytes", you think of it as "horsepower".
- You finally decided to buy a computer after the Gun and Knife Show went online.
- You have been thrown out of several chat rooms for cussing and trying to start an online fistfight.
- Your keyboard looks a little different than everyone else's. Instead of an apple, your command button has an okra on it.
- Congratufreakin'lations - you hold the world record for most number of hits - on the World Wrestling Federation web page.
- The reason your printer is jammed is that you dropped your tobacco chew spit cup into the paper holder.
- Most of the e-mail you send starts with "I'll tell you what," "This ain't no bull," or "It's got to where you cain't..."
- Some guy asked you about your floppy, so naturally you decked him.
- You're pretty sure computers would work better if Briggs & Stratton began marketing a model that cranks up with a pull rope.
- You think that every child should be linked up to the Internet for educational purposes. But you with there was more information about how to dynamite fish or build your own still.
- Your favorite search engine is Yahoo, because you run around screaming it during football games and wrestling matches anyway.
- The only reason you had your computer equipped with a CD-ROM was so you could listen to Merle Haggard.
- You figure computer science will have peaked when you can buy a 12-pack of Old Milwaukee online without leaving your doublewide.
- A smart ass just don't fit in a saddle.
- After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: when you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
- Always drink upstream from the herd.
- Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
- Ask no more and give no less than honesty, courage, loyalty, generosity, and fairness.
- Don't get mad at somebody who knows more 'n you do. It ain't their fault.
- Don't interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none.
- Don't let so much reality into your life that there's no room left for dreamin'.
- Don't never interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none.
- Don't squat with yer spurs on!
- Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
- Generally, you ain't learnin' nothing when your mouth's a-jawin'.
- Go after life as if it's something that's got to be roped in a hurry before it gets away.
- Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
- If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.
- If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
- If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
- If you want to forget all your troubles, take a little walk in a brand-new pair of high-heeled ridin' boots.
- If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
- It don't matter so much how long a ride you have, as how well you ride it.
- It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
- Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.
- Makin' it in life is kinda like bustin' broncs: you're gonna get thrown a lot. The simple secret is to keep gettin' back on.
- Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.
- Never ask a man the size of his spread.
- Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
- Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.
- Never grumble. It makes you about as welcome as a sidewinder in a cow camp.
- Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.
- Never miss a chance to rest your horse.
- Never miss a good chance to shut up.
- Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
- No matter who says what, don't believe it if it don't make sense.
- Talk low, talk slow, and don't say too much.
- Tellin' a man to git lost and makin' him do it are two entirely different propositions.
- The best way to have a quiche for dinner is to make it up and put it in the oven to bake at 325 degrees. Meanwhile, get out a large T-bone, grill it, and when it's done, eat it. As for the quiche, continue to let it bake, but otherwise ignore it.
- The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.
- The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.
- The first thing to do when you get up in the morning is put on your Stetson.
- The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back into your pocket.
- The wildest critters live in the city!
- Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
- Trust everybody in the game, but always cut the cards.
- When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be suprised if they learn their lesson.
- When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
- When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
- Write it in your heart. Stand by the code, and it will stand by you.
- You don't need decorated words to make your meanin' clear. Say it
plain and save some breath for breathin'.
- Don't squat with your spurs on.
- Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgments.
- Lettin' the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
- If you are riding ahead of the herd, take a look back now and then to make sure it is still there.
- If you get to thinking that you are a person of some influence, try ordering someone else's dog around.
- Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
- There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.
- If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is quit digging.
- Never slap a man who is chewing tobacco.
- It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
- Always drink upstream from the herd.
- When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
- When throwing your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by someone else.
- The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
- Never miss a good chance to shut up.
- There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading, the few who learn by observation, the rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
- My grandfather once told me that there are two kinds of
people: those who do the work and those who take the credit.
- Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
- Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life
- Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
- Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
- How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
- How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life
- I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
- I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
- I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
- I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart
- I Keep Forgettin I Forgot About You
- I Wanna Whip Your Cow
- I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck
- I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
- I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
- I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
- I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised
- I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
- I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line
- If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
- If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low
- If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
- If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
- If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
- Mama Get The Hammer (Theres A Fly On Papa's Head)
- My Every Day Silver Is Plastic
- My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
- My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
- Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You
- Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill
- She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft
- She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
- She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
- She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty
- Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
- They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin Out
- Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
- When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In
- You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith, Too
- You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd
- You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
- You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life
- You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
A: A full set of teeth.
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't
live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most
accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be
able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived
here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have
to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts
in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four
days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a
little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we
cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make
the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found
out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get
him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated
him and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was
driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He
rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They
couldn't get the tail gate down.
Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you
don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.
in the dark?
A: He sticks his nose in the animal's ass... if there's a place for
his tongue, it's a cow.
Then an angry redneck stood up, rolled up his sleeves ,and yelled, "I
The ventriloquist started apologizing to the redreck.
The redneck looked at him and said, " You stay outta this, I''m
talking to the guy on your lap!!!!
A full set of teeth.
He said, "Hey, lookie here, now we have free paper view!"
than your head.
national anthem are:
"Gentlemen, start your engines!"
disgust as a man in muddy hipwader boots, torn jeans, a dirty leather
jacket, with long, stringy dirty hair, and a beard full of old crumbs
of food marched right towards him.
The man said, "Yo, bucko, where's your crapper?"
The headwaiter calmly replied, "Go down the hall and turn left. When
you see the sign marked 'Gentlemen', pay absolutely no attention to it
and go right inside."
C pipe as weights you might be a Redneck
sister to get to second base.
bath.''... you might be a redneck.
because they already have 11. So the husband goes to a doctor in Ohio.
The doctor asks, "What state are you from?
The man say,s "Alabama." The doctor tells him to go home, put a lit
cherry bomb in an empty soda can, hold it in his hand, and count to
10. The husband isn't so sure of this, so he goes to another doctor,
this time in California.
When that doctor finds out that the husband is from Alabama, he tells
him the exact same thing that the doctor in Ohio told him. The husband
figures that the doctors must be right.
So he goes home, puts a lit cherry bomb in a soda can, and starts to
count. ''1...2...3...4...5...'' The husband takes the soda can and
puts it between his legs to continue counting on his fingers on his
right hand. ''6...7...8...9...''
pills. The doctor wonders if she's a little young for birth control
pills and asks her father if she's sexually active. The father
replies, "No, she just kinda lays there, just like her mother."
A: If she can chew tobacco and suck dick at the same time and still
know which one to spit out.
transmission so I can take a bath!''
A: He farts in a puddle.
Peptol-Bismol for Christmas.
mom, sister, and girlfriend and only come back with one gift.
and after about 3 years he came back home. They were sitting around
the dinner table when the dad said, ''Well son, you done gone to
college so you must be perty smart. Why don't you speak some math fer'
''Ok, Pa'', the son said then, ''Pi R squared.''
After a moment the Dad said, ''Why son, they ain't teached ya nothin'!
Pie are round, cornbread are square.''
Log Off: Don't add no wood.
Monitor: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.
Mega Hertz: When yer not careful downloadin'.
Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin' too much firewood.
Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.
Hard Drive: Gettin' home in the winter season.
Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter.
Windows: What to shut when it's below 15 below.
Screen: What 'cha need for the black fly season.
Byte: That's what the flies do.
Chip: What to munch on.
Micro Chip: What's left in the bottom of the bag.
Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred's around.
Modem: What 'cha did to the hay fields.
Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife.
Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.
Keyboard: Where ya hang your keys.
Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils.
Mouse: Whats eats the horses grain.
Main Frame: Hold up the barn roof.
Port: Fancy wine.
Enter: C'mon in.
Random Access Memory: You can't remember whatcha' paid for that new
rifle when your wife asks.
Hey! Watch this...
Someone's fixin to lose a house trailer...
down at their dog who was licking his dick.
One of the the guys looked at the other and said, ''I wish that I
could do that.''
The other one then said, 'Don't be stupid, man - that dog would bite
You might be a redneck if you think the first four words of the
national anthem are, ''Gentlemen start your engines''.
say right before they get into an auto accident.
89% of the people in 49 states said: ''Oh, shit!''
In Texas 94% said: ''Hold my beer. Watch this.''
First name (check appropriate box):
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
[_] Hair Dresser
[_] Dirty Politician
Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: _________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: _________________________
Lover's Name: ____________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________
(If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?
Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
Model of your pickup: _____________
Year pickup produced: 194____
Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:_________________________
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer
[_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide
[_] Soap World
[_] Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
[_] Not Applicable
How many teeth? ___
Color of teeth:
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know
will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed
on blocks in your front yard? a) '66 Ford Fairlane b) '69 Chevrolet
Chevelle c) '64 Pontiac GTO
3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20
gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to
condense the product?
4. A pulpwood cutter has chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The
density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre.
The lot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches.
How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12
simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a
field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16
feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch
collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an
average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children
place a mobile home on the man's land?
8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep
grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the
average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will
swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the
mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will
have mufflers and uncracked windshields?
9. A Coal Mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The
mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the
beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be
smoked during the shift?
10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs
shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?
the table in front of her kid.
60 miles an hour.
and a sixpack.
"Okay, how many of you have seen a ghost?" About 30% of the class puts
their hand up.
"Okay, how many of you have actually touched a ghost?" About 10% of
the class puts their hand up.
"Okay, how many of you have had sex with a ghost?" Dead silence, until
a little redneck boy in the back row puts up his hand.
"You've actually had sex with a ghost?"
"Ghost? Oh. I thought you said goat!"
When she can chew tabacco and give you a blow job at the same time,
and knows which one to spit and which one to swallow.
comes out yelling "Come look before I flush it!"
camoflage and grab a shotgun, you might be a redneck.
jobs kill people.
A: Pump kin.
Crack'' and it reminds you to pull up your pants!
hitchhiking on the road. He stops to pick up the priest, but he has a
few misgivings about giving him a ride; usually when the driver sees a
redneck on the road, he hits them -- with a priest in the truck, he'd
have to swerve. But the driver decides to pick up the priest.
A little while later, he comes across a redneck hitchhiking. He
decides to just swerve and let this one live when, all of a sudden he
hears a "BOOM!" The driver looks over at the priest, who says, "Don't
worry -- I got him with the door."
changes into a sexy outfit and lies on the bed. She looks sheepishly
up at her new hubby and whispers, "Please be gentle with me. I'm a
The man gets up screaming, grabs his trousers and runs home to tell
His father comforts him by saying, "Now, now. It'll be okay, son. If
she wasn't good enough for her own family, then she isn't good enough
Kick his sister in the chin!
2. You have used your light saber to open and cook a can of pork and
3. You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth.
4. At least one wing of your X-Wing fighter is primer-colored.
5. There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.
6. You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
7. You can easily describe the taste of Ewok.
8. You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.
9. You think that the Stormtrooper Elite Guards are just KKK members
with really good sheets.
10. A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.
11. You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not The
12. Your master has said, ''My finger you will pull..hmmm?''
13. You have had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
14. You have lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to
15. The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters.
16. Wookies are offended by your B.O.
17. You have used The Force to get yourself another beer so you didn't
have to wait for a commercial.
18. You have used The Force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
19. You have used a light saber to clean fish or open a non-twist-off
bottle of beer.
20. Your father told you, ''Shoot, son come on over t' the dark
side...it'll be a hoot.''
21. You've had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy
to light a bar-b-que.
doubles as a mud flap to your pick up truck.
sister and ask, "Was I good in bed?"
Come on her shoes and let the flies do the rest.
and your brother."
we are a Fourtune 500 Company?'"
And you answer '"What track do y'all sponsor that race at? I ain't
been to that one yet."
Three. One to hold the bulb, and two to turn the ladder.
species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very
"moody," and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park
veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make
matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed,
a redneck part-time employee, responsible for cleaning the animals'
cages. Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample
ability to satisfy a female of any species (except human). So, the
park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was
approached with a proposition: Would he be willing to have sex with
the gorilla for $500? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have
to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but
only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I'm not gonna kiss
her. Second, you must never tell anyone about this." The park
administrators quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what
his third condition was. "Well," said Ed, "You gotta give me another a
week to come up with the $500."
can fit into the truck with you.
There is tobacco spit stains on BOTH sides of his pickup truck.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
DATING (Outside the Family)
be a redneck.
name tag, "Four for a Dollar."
but empty Skoal cans strung from your bumper as you leave the church.
he was done he would shoot his load into a coffee can and hide it
under the bench. One day his father caught him and told him, "Son,
every time you do that you are killing a baby."
The next time the boy went to the barn he was about to shoot his load
and reached down to grab his can but a little frog had jumped in. The
boy looked in the can saw the frog and said, "Son you're ugly but
daddy loves ya."
divorced from my wife, does that mean she ain't my sister any more?''
roof of your house.
Say No To Crack," it reminds you to pull up your pants.
you might be a redneck.
front and side.
under the other?
St. Peter stood at the gate with instuctions for the two: ''You cannot
enter the gates of heaven until you can make up a poem and recite it
to me using the word 'Timbuktu' in it.'' Robert Frost stepped up and
recited a beautiful poem and was let in the gates.
The redneck stepped up and St. Peter said, ''Now, what is your poem?''
The Redeck paused and scratched. ''Oh! I got it,'' said the redneck,
''here it goes. . . Me and Tim a huntin' went, Met three maidens in a
tent, They was three and we was two, So I bucked one and Tim bucked
might be a redneck.
are all sitting down to lunch.
The Chinese man says, "If I get another egg roll in my lunch, I'll
The Italian guy says, "If I get another slice of pizza, I'll kill
The redneck says, "Iffin I get another ham hock, I'll kill myself."
The next day, all three men get the same lunches, so they throw
themselves in front of an oncoming train. At the funeral the Chinese
man's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed an egg roll that day."
The Italian guy's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed a slice of pizza
"Don't look at me," says the redneck's wife. "He done packed his own
A: Salad bowls
hitchhikers. Ol' Freddy was high-ballin' down the highway and saw an
unbelievably stunning blonde hitch-hiking. Thinking with the wrong
head, he pulled over and picked her up. Travelling down the highway,
she leaned forward and looked in the rearview mirror.
"You have a flat back there on the trailer," she said. Freddy pulled
over, went back to have a look. While he was back there, the blonde
slid over and drove off. Freddy was now pissed off. Soon, a motorcycle
gang pulled up, beat the crap out of him and left Freddy naked and
broke. Another Red Ball Express driver saw Fred and recognized him.
"Fred, you okay?" he asked. Fred told him the entire story.
"Oh, Fred," said the driver, unzipping his pants. "This just isn't
change in the middle of the street, too.
around a snoring dog''s penis he''ll roll over and stop snoring.
The next night her dog is snoring so she goes to the kitchen and gets
a red ribbon and ties it around her dog''s penis. His snoring stopped.
Later on that night her husband is snoring and so she goes to the
kitchen and gets a blue ribbon and ties it around her husband''s
penis, and he stops snoring.
The next morning her husband wakes up and looks at his dog and looks
down at himself.
"I don''t know what happened last night, but it appears we came in
first and second."
I've got a problem.'' The doctor examines the man and finds the man
has a red ring around his penis. The doctor gives him an ointment to
rub on the problem area.
''It's all cleared up!'' the man reports when he returns. ''But what
was that medication you gave me?''
playoff series, when they see a foot sticking out of some bushes. An
inspection revealed a dead-drunk naked woman. One man placed his
Orioles baseball cap on her right breast. The Red Sox fan placed his
cap on her left breast, and the Yankee fan put his over her crotch.
They then called the police.
The cop lifted up the Orioles cap, and made a few notes. He then
lifted the Red Sox cap and made more notes. Then he lifted the Yankees
cap, put it down, lifted it again and put it down. When he lifted it
the third time the Yankee fan said, ''What are you doing? Are you some
kind of pervert, or what?'' The cop said, I was just confused, usually
when I see a Yankee cap, there's an asshole under it.''
Tackle Me Elmo!
You know you're a good ol' boy computer operator if...
more milk came out of these we could get rid of the cows." Then he
points to his wife's pussy and says, "If more eggs came out of this we
could get rid of the chickens." So she points to his dick and says,
"If this stood up we could get rid of your brother!"
A: From chasing parked cars...
Her brother's dick is red.
"Hey, watch this! "
Bacteria: Backdoor to cafeteria
Barium: What to do when treatment fails
Bowel: Letter like A E I O or U
Ceasarean Section: District in Rome
Cat Scan: Searching for Kitty
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her
Coma: Punctuation Mark
D & C: Where Washington is
Dilate: To live long
Enema: Not a friend
Hang Nail: Coat Hook
Impotent: Distinguished, well known
Labor pain: Hurt at work
Morbid: Higher offer
Nitrate: Cheeper than day
Node: Was aware of
Outpatient: Person fainted
Post op: Letter Carrier
Recovery Room: Place to apholster
Rectum: Dang near Killed Him
Secretion: Hiding something
Tablet: Small table
Terminal Illness: Sick at Airport
Tibia: Country in North Africa
Tumor: More than One
Urine: Opposite of 'you're out'
"Someone go jiggle the handle."
A: A full set of teeth
Live comes on TV.
school because you're in the same grade.
A: Put in an end zone.
night involves shoes and a flashlight.
He has two cars up on blocks -- and one of them's all one color!
A. They mark the sheep that kick!
the same car.
at a truck stop.
hit my two best balls today... with a rake.''''
He rolled down the window to spit out his chaw!
Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do its own, entitled Survivor - Texas Style. The contestants will start in Dallas, travel to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From there, they'll proceed to Abilene, Ft. Worth and finally back to Dallas.
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read, "I'm gay", "I'm a vegetarian", "I voted for Al Gore", "George Strait Sucks", "Hillary in 2008", and "I'm here to confiscate your guns!" The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.
There's dandruff on his/her shoes.
Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. We have some Texans up here in Heaven who are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their robes, their dogs are riding in the chariots, and they're wearing baseball caps and cowboy hats instead of their halos. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds and pig feet bones all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing."
The Lord said, "I made them special, Gabriel. Heaven is Home to all my children. If you really want to know about real problems, let's call the Devil."
The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Damn, hold on a minute." The Devil returned to the phone, "Okay, I'm back. What can I do for you?"
The Lord replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there."
The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something." After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?"
The Lord said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"
The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this....Hold on, Lord." This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Lord, I can't talk right now. Them damn Texans done put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning."
He looks over at the bartender with pride and says, "Lookie what I
almost stepped in!"
They've both been fingered by their brothers.
The cow sat on him!
are arrested for stealing food stamps.
While he was waiting on his drink he noticed a jar of money sitting on
the counter. When the bartender came back the redneck asked the
bartender about the money.
The bartender replied, "Well, this money is for the goat we have
The redneck was puzzled so he asked again. "What exactly is this money
The bartender replied. "Well, We have a goat outside and he just lays
there and never moves or hollers or anything and who ever can make him
holler gets this money."
So the redneck finished him beer and goes outside.
He comes back in and the goat is laughing so hard and can't stop. The
bartender askes how he did it and the Redneck won't answer. So the
redneck walks out of the bar with the money.
A week later the Redneck comes in and sees the same bartender. He
orders the same thing. And this time he sees another jar of money. He
askes the bartender what this money was for.
The bartender replies "Well, ever sence you got that goat to laugh, we
can't get him to stop. So we made another jar. Who ever can get that
goat to stop laughing gets the money."
So, just like last time he finished his beer and went out side.
Well when he came in, the goat was crying. The bartender was wondering
how he did it and the redneck replied, "A redneck never lets out his
So, he took his money and left.
About a week later the redneck came back and he saw another jar of
money. So, he asked the bartender what this jar was. The bartender
replied "Well, you have us all wondering how you did it. First you
made him laugh then you made him cry and we want to know how you did
The redneck just sat there laughing. He says "Well, to make him laugh,
I told him my penis was bigger than his and to make him cry, well, I
proved it to him."
A: "Six-finger discount!"
The first man says, ''My wife is so stupid, she bought an air
conditioner--but we don't have electricity.''
The second man said his wife was even more stupid because she went out
and bought a washing machine--and they don't have plumbing.
The third guy said, ''That's nothing. I was looking through my wife's
purse and found six condoms--but she ain't got no penis!''
roll of duct tape.......you know you're a redneck.
2. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer
appreciation suppers, and vacations.
3. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose
before your wife would let you in the house.
4. You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
5. You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide
rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall
your wife's birthday.
6. You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.
7. You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.
8. You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in
9. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.
10. You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel
defend your sister's honor.
2) Your wife's hairdo has ever been destroyed by a ceiling fan.
3) You go to your family reunion to pick up women.
4) Your richest relative buys a new house -- and you have to help him
take the wheels off it.
5) You think a six-pack and a bug zapper is quality entertainment.
6) Your family tree does not fork.
7) You've ever been too drunk to fish.
8) You've lost more than two teeth opening beer bottles.
9) You helped your cousin move his refrigerator -- and the grass
underneath it has turned yellow.
10) You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
In the end, someone is going to lose a trailer.
from a fart.
be a redneck.
All your garbage is gone and your dog is pregnant.
"Watch it Pa or you'll crush my smokes!"
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
3. There is a skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
4. The password is, "bubba."
5. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
6. "Winders 95" has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.
7. Outgoing faxes have beerstains on them.
8. The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
9. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
10. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee
11. Jeff Foxworthy *.wavs.
12. The monitor is up on blocks.
13. Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.
14. Deer jerky in the desk drawer.
15. The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with
Dueling Banjos playing in the background.
16. The six front keys have rotted out.
17. John Deere Pocket Protectors.
were at a monster truck rally.
A family reunion.
Some people (especially Southerners) are pretty skeptical of horoscopes, and it has become obvious that what they need are their own "Southern" astrological signs.
OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20)
Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.
CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19)
Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.
BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20)
You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.
MOON PIE (Mar 21 - Apr 20)
You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Or - maybe not.
POSSUM (Apr 21 - May 21)
When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work and you may find your problems actually running you over.
CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21)
Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.
COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23)
Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those round them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.
CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23)
Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.
GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23)
Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.
BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23)
You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.
BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22)
Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.
ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21)
You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky, mating possibility.
Because he wanted to sleep in the ditch on the other side.
claim it where the man verifies his ticket number.
The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."
To which the man replied, "No sir. It doesn't work that way. We give
you a million today, and then you'll get the rest spread out for the
next 19 years.
The Redneck said, "I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want
Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that
day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I WANT MY
MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, THEN
I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!''
drop t'the floor.
partin' yer teeth!
in it, and it loops.
because you don't want to crush your cigarettes!
and say, "I've got a leak in the sink."
And they say, "Go ahead!"
across your bathroom door!
fight over a dog!
your lifelong goal is to own a fireworks stand.
the car to the truck!
off the paved road...''
children were born!
chairs are in the kitchen!
shotgun before you could walk!
at church you bring your own beer!
off of the highdive!
washing machine for money.
with the amount of gas you have in it!
league'' bowls on a different night!
saying, ''Hey, y'all watch this!''
getting the wife drunk!
you're both in the same grade!
from your fridge!
still have the same in-laws!
because there's a law against it!
your house off its wheels!
Spangled Banner'' are ''Gentlemen! Start your engines!''
bathrooms so clean!
your freebie at the House of Tattoos!
fixture in your front yard!
isolated rural heritage, and utilize stereotypes referencing your
supposed appetite for fornication with family relations, and your
almost simian intelligence to further demean you.
are both in the same grade.
detector...and it doesn't go off.
get a single punch-line.
shoot your mother-in-law.