Little Johnny comes home one day and says, "Mom! Little Mark next
door has a penis like a peanut!"
"What do you mean, Johnny? Is it shaped like a peanut?"
"No," says Johnny. "It's salty."
You must be surprised that I am writing you today, the 26th of
December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that
have occurred since the begining of this year, when filled with
illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric
train set, a pair of rollerblades, and a football uniform.
I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first
in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I am not
going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that
behaved better than me with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and
my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross
the street. There was virtually nothing that I would not do for
So what balls do you have leaving me a fucking yo-yo, a stupid whistle
and a pair of socks? What the fuck were you thinking, you fat
son-of-a-bitch, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole fucking
year to come out with some shit like this under the tree! As if you
hadn't fucked me enough, you gave the little jerkhead across the
street so many toys that he can't even walk into his house!
Please don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my
chimney next year or I'll fuck you up. I'll throw rocks at those
stupid reindeer and scare them away so that you'll have to walk back
to the fucking North Pole, just like I have to do now since you didn't
get me that fucking bike. FUCK YOU SANTA. Next year you'll find out
how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A-BITCH.
Little Johnny :)
Teacher: "Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How
many are left?"
Little Johnny: "None."
Teacher: "Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer
shoots one. How many are left?"
Little Johnny: "None."
Teacher: "Can you explain that answer?"
Little Johnny: "One is shot, the others fly away. There are none
Teacher: "Well, that isn't the correct answer, but I like the way you
Little Johnny: "Teacher, can I ask a question?"
Little Johnny: "There are three women at the ice cream parlor. One is
licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which
one is married?"
Teacher: "The one sucking the cone."
Little Johnny; "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the
way you think."
Little Johnny was in church with him mom for Sunday Mass when he
suddenly felt nauseous.
"Mom, I think I'm going to throw up!"
She told him, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run
across the lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the
bushes and nobody will see you."
So Little Johnny hauled ass for the door. Less than a minute later,
he returned to his seat next to his mom. He had the look of obvious
relief on his young face.
"Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?"
"I didn't have to go that far, mom.
Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it:
FOR THE SICK.''
Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was
playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started
swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in
his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a
brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one
Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon
started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father
again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No
butter for you for one month!"
Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy
when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began
stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead.
Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there
watching her. Johnny looked at his father and said, "Are you going to
tell her, dad, or do you want me to?"
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She
started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do
you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
One day, the Mayor of Whatsville came to Little Johnny's house to
see his mother.
"Little Johnny," said the mayor. "Is your mother home?"
"Yes, but she's in the shower."
"What about your father?"
"Yes, but he's in the shower."
"Are they going to be long?"
"Yeah," said Johnny.
"They asked for vaseline...and I gave them Superglue!"
One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could
buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's father said,
"Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to
buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas."
Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again. The father said,
"Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask
me again some other time."
Well, about two days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house
with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father asked him why he was
leaving. The boy said,"Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I
heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you
should wait because she was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck
with an $80,000 mortgage!"
One day little Johnny was walking up a hill pulling his red wagon
behind him saying,"Fuck this," "Fuck that."
The town priest hears this and walks up to Johnny and says,"You
shouldn't swear like that, Johnny. God is all around us."
"Is he in the sky?" asks Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest.
"Is he in that bush over there?" asks Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest."
Is he in my wagon?" asked Johnny.
"Yes," says the priest.
"Well tell him to get the fuck out and push!!!"
Little Johnny walks into the classroom and says, "poop!"
The teacher says, "Don't do that."
So little johnny says, "Ok."
One day, Little Johnny's class was reviewing the alphabet. His
teacher knew that he had an ''advanced'' vocabulary for his age, so
she was trying to avoid calling on him. When the teacher asked for a
word beginning with "A", Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher
knew he would say "ass" so she called on Mary Lou, who said ''apple".
This continued through most of the alphabet, because his teacher knew
that there was a cuss word that Johnny would say for every letter of
the alphabet. Then she got to ''R''. She thought for a moment, but
couldn't think of any cuss words that began with R, so she called on
''R is for rats - big FUCKING rats, with twelve-inch cocks!''
The teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multisyllabic words,
class. Does anybody have an example of a multisyllabic word?"
Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, teacher! Oh, me, me!"
The teacher smiles and says, "All right, Johnny, what is your
Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate."
The teacher is taken aback, but she manages to smile and says, "Wow,
Johnny, that's a mouthful."
Little Johnny says, "No, ma'am, you're thinking of a blowjob. I'm
talking about jerking off."
Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day, only to catch
him sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom. Johnny's
father, in an attempt to hide his wood, bent over as if to look under
Little Johnny asked curiously, "Whatcha doin', Dad?"
His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the
Little Johnny replied, "Whatcha gonna do, screw him?"
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day, when his teacher held up
a bag, and asked the class to guess what was inside.
"Here's a hint," she said. "It's a fruit, and it's crunchy and red."
Johnny's hand shot up. "It's an apple!" he declared.
"Good job, Johnny. I like the way you think."
"Thank you, teacher. Now I have a question for you. There's something
in my pocket that's hard and round, with a head on one end. What is
"That's it, Johnny," yelled the teacher. "Go to the office."
"It's a quarter, teacher. But I like the way you think."
While the teacher was conducting her class, Little Johnny yells out,
"Teacher, teacher, I have to take a piss." The teacher, shocked,
replies "No, Johnny you may not because you did not raise your hand.
And I will speak to your mother for using that word." So Little Johnny
raises his hand and says, "Teacher, teacher, I have to pee!" The
teacher turns and says to Little Johnny, the word is 'urinate' and you
may not go to the bathroom right now. Little Johnny gets up to leave
the room and says, "Teacher, teacher, urinate, but if you have bigger
tits you'd be a ten."
Little Johnny was in the kitchen playing with his toy train as his
father cooked dinner.
Little Johnny stopped the train and said, ''All you damn assholes who
want to get off, get the hell off. All those who want to get on, get
the hell on!''
''Little Johnny!'' exclaimed his father. ''I can't believe you are
using that language! You should be ashamed of yourself! I want you to
go to your room and don't come back until you have thought about what
So Little Johnny goes to his room and comes back an hour or so later.
He resumes playing with his train, only this time when he stops it he
says, ''All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get off, you may
now get off, and those who want to get on, you may now also get on.
And as for those of you who have a problem with the hour delay, talk
to the asshole in the kitchen!''
It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in
the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children
are restless because of this.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can
leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm
smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is MAD that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny is BOILING mad that he has not been able to answer to any of
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches
would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!"
Johnny: "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"
Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were
going to try something different to help everyone get to know each
other a little better, and to help with their spelling.
She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of
your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he
was here today."
The first student raised her hand to volunteer.
"Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go first."
Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here
today, he would give us all a shiny new penny."
The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"
Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if
he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie."
"Very good," the teacher told Kevin.
Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait,
Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off
and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When
he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try
Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged
by the teacher. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.
Johnny said, "My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here
today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell
Little Johnny was on a park bench stuffing all of his Halloween
candy in his mouth. An old lady came over and said. "Son, don't you
know that eating all of that candy will rot your teeth, give you acne,
and make you sick?"
"My grandfather lived to be 105 years old!" replied Johnny.
"Did he eat five candy bars at a sitting?" the old lady retorted.
"No, said Johnny, but he minded his own freakin' business."
Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is.
Her reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.
Again the mother's reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that
The boy then asks, "Why did daddy leave you?"
To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and then sends him
to his room.
On the way to his room, the boy trips over his mother's purse. When he
picks it up, her driver's license falls out. The boy looks it over and
goes back to his mother saying, "I know all about you now. You are 36
years old, weigh 127 pounds and daddy left you because you got an 'F'
A young mother was having a consultation with a doctor. As they
spoke, her Little Johnny could clearly be heard terrorizing the people
in the waiting room - yet she made no attempt to restrain him.
Soon they heard some clattering in an adjoining room, but still she
did nothing. Finally, after an extra-loud crash, the woman casually
told the doctor, "I hope you don't mind my Little Johnny playing in
"No, not at all," said the doctor calmly. "I'm sure he'll calm down as
soon as he finds the poison."
A teacher asks her class, If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence
and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?
She calls on little Johnny. He replies, None, they all fly away with
the first gun shot
The teacher replies The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.
Then Little Johnny says I have a question for YOU. There are three
women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking
the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling
down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of
the ice cream. Which one is married?
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, Well I suppose the one
thats gobbled down the top and sucked the cone
To which Little Johnny replied, The correct answer is the one with the
wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.
Little Johnny asks, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"
His mother replies, "The stork brings them."
Little Johnny, puzzled, asks, "Then who fucks the stork?"
Little Johnny was walking down the hallway at school. When he
reaches his classroom he looks inside and sees a sub instead of his
regular teacher. Johnny sits down and the teacher says, "Now students,
my name is Ms. Prussy. Not the other word, this word has an r after
the first letter." Johnny started laughing. An hour later he forgot
her name and said, "Your name has an r after the first letter -- is it
Little Johnny walks into a pharmacy and brings a box of tampons to
The cashier looks at the boy and says, "Hi. Are these for your mom?"
Little Johnny thinks for a moment and says, "Umm, no."
The cashier says, "Oh. Then they're for your sister?"
Little Johnny says, "uh-unh."
The cashier, now a bit curious, says, "Oh. Then they must be for your
Little Johnny says, "Nope."
The cashier is now really confused. Finally she asks, "Well, what are
you going to do with them?"
Little Johnny says, "Well, I'm not sure yet. But on TV, they said if I
buy these I can go fishing and swimming and horseback riding!"
Little Johnny came home from school one day and went by his mom's
room. The door was open, so he looked in and saw his mom lying on the
bed naked moaning and touching herself saying, "Ooh, I need a man! I
need a man!"
The next day, Little Johnny got home from school and saw his mom lying
on the bed naked with a naked guy on top of her. So Little Johnny ran
to his room, stripped down naked, and started to touch himself, while
moaning, "Ooh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"