How To

HomeFunplexHow To

    (tip: don't try these if you're not willing to risk being beaten up)

    1. Poke the person next to you repeatedly with your fork. If they try
    to retaliate, curl into a ball and start crying for your mother.

    2. This only works if the person has their back to you. Select a
    single strand of hair from the person's head and pull gently. When
    they reach up to touch their hair or try to turn around, look at the
    ceiling or pretend to read the menu. Repeat constantly.

    3. Tap your fingernails on the table top, ignoring any evil stares
    that come your way. (This works anywhere, not just restaurants.)

    4. Hug yourself and rock backwards and forwards in your seat whilst
    muttering incoherantly. This will not only completely embarrass those
    at your table, it is also extremely annoying.

    5. Help yourself to other people's meals. If they complain, pretend to
    stick your fingers down your throat and ask them if they'd like their
    food back.

    1. When the elevator doors close, exclaim loudly ''Don't be alarmed
    folks, the doors will open again shortly''.
    2. Press all of the buttons in the elevator when you get out -
    especially when other people are still in it.
    3. Introduce your imaginary friend. And have a conversation with them.
    4. Stand at the front of the elevator, facing the back. [If you are
    the first person in the elevator to do this, others will probably
    follow your lead]
    5. Exclaim to all in the lift ''Oh, no! It's started raining!'' then
    open your umbrella.
    6. Ask everyone what their e-mail addresses are then tell them there's
    too many dot's in them.

    1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

    2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
    Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective
    if your boss is a different gender than you.

    3) Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by
    these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm
    going to have to disagree with you there, Chachie."

    4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what
    you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the

    5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as often
    since you did this.

    6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive. Call
    everyone Madge.

    7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get
    coffee, a printout, or whatever, slap yourself at random the whole

    8) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people
    you're waiting for your document.

    9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or
    her if they want fries with that.

    10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself, engaging yourself in an
    intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to
    settle the disagreement.

    11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized

    12) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN".

    13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

    14) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza, donuts, or cake in
    the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they
    found none, lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be
    faster than that."

    15) Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has
    withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

    Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of
    concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize
    on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him
    in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small
    bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend
    that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding -glass
    doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain
    will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain
    quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

    Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin
    from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how
    to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into
    high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army
    helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

    Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to
    simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice
    your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a

    . Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In
    a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub
    enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and
    squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds
    of your life.

    Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the
    problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for
    more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however,
    you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like
    crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby
    rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three
    latherings, so don't expect too much.)

    Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this
    part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at
    this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the
    drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. That's
    because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg.
    You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and
    wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top
    of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to
    shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the
    water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach
    down and dry the cat. In a few days the cat will relax enough to be
    removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about
    three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you.
    He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a
    plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This
    isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get
    through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide
    to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better

    * Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and
    insist to others that you ''like it that way.''
    * Drum on every available surface.
    * Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
    * Staple papers in the middle of the page.
    * Ask 800 operators for dates.
    * Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy
    * Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
    * Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
    * Specify that your drive-through order is ''to go.''
    * Set alarms for random times.
    * Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor
    * Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
    * Honk and wave to strangers.
    * Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
    * Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
    * Tape pieces of ''Sweating to the Oldies'' over climactic parts of
    rental movies. * Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat
    their complementary mints by the cash register.
    * only type in lowercase.
    * dont use any punctuation either.
    * Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole
    * Pay for your dinner with pennies.
    * Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
    * Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: ''Do you hear
    that?'' ''What?'' ''Never mind, it's gone now.''
    * Light road flares on a birthday cake.
    * Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
    * Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
    * Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
    * At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
    * As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
    * Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
    * Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
    * Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
    * Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
    * Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of
    your chin. When nearly done, announce ''No, wait, I messed it up!''
    and repeat.
    * Drive half a block.
    * Name your dog ''Dog.''
    * Ask people what gender they are.
    * Reply to everything someone says with ''That's what YOU think.''
    * Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts
    back in the tray.
    * Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was
    a ''real hoot''.
    * Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that
    you don't want to fall off ''in case the big one comes''.
    * Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch
    with a can of Lysol.
    * Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers'
    brains, such as ''Feliz Navidad'', the Archies' ''Sugar'' or the Mr.
    Rogers theme song.
    * While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a
    * Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
    * Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
    * Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
    * Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being
    first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that
    people pronounce each A.
    * Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see
    if they slow down.
    * Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
    * Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people
    play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
    * Wear a LOT of cologne.
    * Ask to ''interface'' with someone.
    * Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed
    is necessary because of your ''superior mental processing.''
    * Sing along at the opera.
    * Mow your lawn with scissors.
    * At a golf tournament, chant ''swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!''
    * Finish all your sentences with the words ''in accordance with
    * Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
    * Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers
    in a notebook. Mutter something about ''psychological profiles.''
    * Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a ''magic picture''.
    * Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
    * Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
    * Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing
    awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any
    * Never make eye contact.
    * Never break eye contact.
    * Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your
    * Construct elaborate ''crop circles'' in your front lawn.
    * Construct your own pretend ''tricorder'' and ''scan'' people with
    it, announcing the results.
    * Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal
    Howard Cossell voice.
    * Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
    * Make appointments for the 31st of September.
    * Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
    * Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.

    As the title suggests, this is how to successfully catch an
    First, you need to dig a hole in the ground that is capable of holding
    an elephant.
    Fill the hole with ashes.
    Line the hole with peas.
    And when your elephant comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash

    1. Throughly clean the toilet.
    2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have
    both lids lifted.
    3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the
    4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both
    lids. You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.
    CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as
    his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.
    5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a ''powerwash
    and rinse'' which I have found to be quite effective.
    6. Have someone to open the door to the outside and ensure that there
    are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
    7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both
    8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside
    where he will dry himself.
    Sincerely, the Dog

    A boss tells his new employee, "I'll give you 8 bucks an hour
    starting today and in three months, I'll raise it to 10 bucks an hour.
    So when would you like to start?''

    ''In 3 months.''

    1) Wine her.
    2) Dine her.
    3) Call her.
    4) Hug her.
    5) Hold her.
    6) Surprise her.
    7) Compliment her.
    8) Smile at her.
    9) Laugh with her.
    10) Cry with her
    11) Cuddle with her.
    12) Shop with her.
    13) Give her jewelry.
    14) Buy her flowers.
    15) Hold her hand.
    16) Write love letters to her.
    17) Write poetry for her.
    18) Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.
    How to Impress a Man:
    1) Show up naked.
    2) Bring beer.

    compliment her,
    cuddle her,
    kiss her,
    caress her,
    love her,
    stroke her,
    tease her,
    comfort her,
    protect her,
    hug her,
    hold her,
    spend money on her,
    wine & dine her,
    buy things for her,
    listen to her,
    care for her,
    stand by her,
    support her,
    go to the ends of the earth for her....

    show up naked,
    bring beer.

    (Internal Revenue Service, an agency of the government to whom
    Americans pay taxes on their salary.)

    --Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put a down
    the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the
    envelopes have to take out any staples in the right side.

    --Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right
    way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to
    remove all your staples rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on
    the left side).

    --Line the bottom of your envelope with Elmer's glue and let it dry
    before you put in your forms, so that the automated opener doesn't
    open it and the extractor has to open it by hand.

    --If your very unfortunate and have to pay taxes use a two or three
    party check.

    --On top of paying with a three party check pay one of the dollars you
    owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small an
    amount, he has to take it to a special desk and fill out of few nasty

    --Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to
    read and stamped regardless of what it is or what it's on.

    --Write your letter on something misshapen and unconventional. Like on
    the back of a Kroger sack.

    --When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if its just a
    single EZi form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differently
    than regular business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is
    that they take priority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up
    and deal with your mess.

    --If you send 2 checks they'll have to staple your unsightly envelope
    to your half destroyed form.

    --Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Any foreign fasteners or
    the like have to be removed and put away.

    --Sign your name in ink on every page. Any signature has to verified
    and then date stamped.

    NOTE: These are just a few of the fun and exciting things you can do
    with The Man. These methods are only recommended when you owe money

    A waiter asks a man, May I take your order, sir?
    Yes, the man replies. Im just wondering, exactly how do you prepare
    your chickens?
    Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that theyre going
    to die.

    A young man just got a new job running the register at a store.
    The old-timer said he would teach him how to sell things. "Watch how I
    do it" he said to the new hire as a man came up to the counter.

    The customer put a bag of grass seed on the counter. The old-timer
    then said to him "You know when you plant those seeds and the grass
    starts growing you're going to need a new lawnmower to cut that
    grass." "You know," said the man, "I do need to get a new mower, sure
    I'll take one."

    After the customer left, the new kid said, "I think I see what you
    mean. Let me handle this next one." A man then stepped up to the
    counter and set down a box of tampons. The young salesman then said,
    "You know you should get you a new lawnmower to go with that."

    The man then asked the young salesman, "What are you talking
    about?" "Well," he said, "It looks like your weekend's shot so you
    might as well cut the grass!"

    Three little boys were looking for a summer job. Their preacher
    needed some people to go around and sell bibles. So the preacher hired
    two boys without even thinking twice. But he was hesitant about hiring
    the third boy because he suffered from a speech impediment.

    So after the first days of work they all met back at the church. The
    preacher looked at the first boy and asked him, "How many bibles did
    you sell?"

    The boy stood up and said, "35."

    "Is that all you sold?" the preacher asked.

    "He looked at the secound boy and asked him the same thing. The boy
    said, "75." "That is good," the preacher replied.

    He didn't want to ask the third boy but did. The boy with the speech
    impedement said ''I-I-I s-s-sold 175.'' The preacher was amazed and
    asked the boy how did he sell all of the bibles. He said ''I-I-I
    t-t-told them to b-b-buy t-t-them or I will r-r-read it to t-t-them'''

    1) Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

    2) You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

    3) The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

    4) Your man is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

    5) You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker
    that says, "How's my driving- call 1-800-***-****."

    6) Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

    7) You're convinced there's a God and he's male.

    8) You're counting down the days until menopause.

    9) You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

    10) The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

    There was a man named Benny who loved to take walks on the beach.
    One day he found a bottle with a genie in it. He let the genie out.
    The genie was so grateful that he granted him one wish with the
    condition that he never shave again, otherwise he'd turn him into an
    Benny got his wish of riches and fame but he kept tripping over his
    long beard which he hadn't shaved in 30 years. Benny said to himself,
    "that genie isn't around anymore, I'm shaving." With that, he went
    home and shaved. Instantly he went 'POOF' and turned into an urn.
    Moral to the story: A Benny shaved is a Benny urn-ed.

    1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with
    plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
    2. Check your email.
    3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand
    4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you
    5. Check your email.
    6. Stop off at another floor, on the way back and visit with your
    friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either,
    you can both walk to McDonald's and buy a hamburger to help you
    concentrate. If your friend shows you her paper, typed, double-spaced
    and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop
    7. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable
    chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened
    8. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you
    understand it.
    9. Check your email.
    10. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since
    fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the
    way so you can concentrate.
    11. Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
    12. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it, seriously,
    as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.
    13. Listen to the other side.
    14. Check your email.
    15. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.
    16. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if she's started
    writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the
    course, the college, the world at large.
    17. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted
    place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
    18. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue;
    savor their special flavor.
    19. Check your email.
    20. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing
    something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in
    less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to "Sgt.
    Preston of the Yukon" is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions:
    a) Pro Bowlers Tour
    b) any movie starring Don Ameche
    21. Catch the last hour of "Soul Brother of Kung Fu" on Channel 26.
    22. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching.
    Discuss the finer points of the plot.
    23. Check your email.
    24. Look at your tongue in the bathroom miror.
    25. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask
    whoeveryone is.
    26. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the
    27. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious,
    trenchcoated strangers lurking in the hall.
    28. Check your email.
    29. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted
    place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
    30. Read over the assignment one more time, just for heck of it.
    31. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the
    32. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
    33. Check your email.
    34. Leap up and write the paper.
    35. Type the paper, and while you're at it, check your email.
    36. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had
    to write that darn paper.

    1) In the middle of class, run to the middle of the room screaming,
    ''I'm on fire!'' Roll around vigorously.
    2) Get up to sharpen your pencil as much as possible.
    3) Ask your teacher how good their spouse was last night.
    4) Talk in a strong English accent.
    5) Walk into class halfway through, saying, ''Aren't you glad I
    decided to come today?''
    6) In the middle of a lesson, jump up holding a Game Boy above your
    head and scream, ''I win!''
    7) Pick your nose, show it to your friends and say loudly, ''Mmm,
    never seen that shape before.''
    8) ''But I have to go reeeaaallly bad!''
    9) During a multiple-choice test, read the answers out loud as you go
    10) Repeat everything the teacher says in the form of a question
    (''Sheesh, so America won the Revolutionary War?'').
    11) At lunch, insist on being served caviar.
    12) Hide in your locker and refuse to come out.
    13) ''I was never told there was going to be a test.''
    14) Bring your pet goldfish.
    15) Throw chalk at the chalkboard and insist on counting how many
    pieces it breaks into.
    16) Laugh hysterically whenever anybody says anything.
    17) Splash water on the armpit area of your shirt and walk around with
    your hands behind your head.
    18) During a private conversation with a teacher, suddenly shout, ''No
    I will not have sex with you!''
    19) Point and laugh at all the fat kids.
    20) Strike up a conversation with your pen.