How to Write a College Paper

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with
plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
2. Check your email.
3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand
it.
4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you
concentrate.
5. Check your email.
6. Stop off at another floor, on the way back and visit with your
friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either,
you can both walk to McDonald's and buy a hamburger to help you
concentrate. If your friend shows you her paper, typed, double-spaced
and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop
her.
7. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable
chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened
pencils.
8. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you
understand it.
9. Check your email.
10. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since
fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the
way so you can concentrate.
11. Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
12. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it, seriously,
as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.
13. Listen to the other side.
14. Check your email.
15. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.
16. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if she's started
writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the
course, the college, the world at large.
17. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted
place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
18. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue;
savor their special flavor.
19. Check your email.
20. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing
something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in
less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to "Sgt.
Preston of the Yukon" is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions:
a) Pro Bowlers Tour
b) any movie starring Don Ameche
21. Catch the last hour of "Soul Brother of Kung Fu" on Channel 26.
22. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching.
Discuss the finer points of the plot.
23. Check your email.
24. Look at your tongue in the bathroom miror.
25. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask
whoeveryone is.
26. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the
future.
27. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious,
trenchcoated strangers lurking in the hall.
28. Check your email.
29. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted
place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
30. Read over the assignment one more time, just for heck of it.
31. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the
sunrise.
32. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
33. Check your email.
34. Leap up and write the paper.
35. Type the paper, and while you're at it, check your email.
36. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had
to write that darn paper.