Did you hear? Bill Clinton stopped playing the sexophone and now he
    is playing the whoremonica.

    Bill Clinton and Senator Hillary Clinton were at a Yankees game.
    Before the game began a secret service man came up to him and
    whispered in his ear.

    Bill Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the

    The secret service man came running up to him and said, "Mr. President
    Sir, I think you misunderstood me; I said throw out the first pitch."

    A reporter remarked to George W. Bush: "It must be something,
    knowing that you put the Bush legacy back into the oval office."

    "Thanks to Bill Clinton," replied George. "Bush never left the

    Why is Clinton having such a hard time deciding what to do with
    Elian Gonzalez?

    Because the last time he decided where to put a Cuban he was almost

    Women in Washington D.C. were asked if they would have sex with the
    President. 86% of those responding said ''Not again.''

    Q: What's the difference between Clinton and a screwdriver?
    A: A screwdriver turns in screws, and Clinton screws interns!

    Whitehouse aide to Clinton: "What are we gonna do about the new
    abortion bill, Mr. President?"

    Clinton's reply : "Shhhhh - just pay it."

    Bill and Hillary are fast asleep in the First Bedroom, when Hillary
    wakes and starts shaking Bill.

    Bill groggily opens his eyes and says, "Honey, it's 3am. What do you

    "I have to go use the bathroom," Hillary replies.

    Bill blinks. "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me
    you have to go to the bathroom."

    "No," Hillary says, "I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."

    Bill Clinton broke the 11th commandment. ''Thou shalt not use thy
    rod on thy Staff''

    Bill Clinton, George Bush and George Washington were on the Titanic.

    As the boat was sinking, George Washington heroically shouts, ''Save
    the women!''

    George Bush hysterically screeches, ''Screw the women!''

    And Bill Clinton's eyes light up and he says, ''Do we have time?''

    I did not do it in a car
    I did not do it in a bar
    I did not do it in the dark
    I did not do it in the park
    I did not do it on a date
    I did not ever fornicate
    I did not do it at a dance
    I did not do it in her pants
    I did not get beyond first base
    I did not do it in her face
    I never did it in a bed
    If you think that, you've been misled
    I did not do it with a groan
    I did not do it on the phone
    I did not cause her dress to stain
    I never boinked Saddam Hussein
    I did not do it with a whip
    I never fondled Linda Tripp
    I never acted really silly
    With volunteers like Kathleen Willey
    There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher
    I chased her 'round, but could not catch her
    No kinky stuff, not on your life
    I wouldn't, even with my wife
    And Gennifer Flowers' tale of woes
    Was paid for by my right-wing foes
    And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers
    Are just a bunch of party poopers
    I did not ask my friends to lie
    I did not hang them out to dry
    I did not do it last November
    But if I did, I don't remember
    I did not do it in the hall
    I could have, but I don't recall
    I never did it in my study
    I never did it with my dog, Buddy
    I never did it to Sox, the cat
    I might have-once-with Arafat
    I never did it in a hurry
    I never groped Ms. Betty Currie
    There was no sex at Arlington
    There was no sex on Air Force One
    I might have copped a little feel
    And then endeavored to conceal
    But never did these things so lewd
    At least, not ever in the nude
    These things to which I have confessed
    They do not count, if we stayed dressed
    It never happened with a cigar
    I never dated Mrs. Starr
    I did not know this little sin
    Would be retold on CNN
    I broke some rules my Mama taught me
    I tried to hide, but now you've caught me
    But I implore, I do beseech
    Do not condemn, do not impeach
    I might have got a little tail
    But never, never did I inhale.

    Bill Clinton walks out on to his front porch, and written in urine
    was ''The president must go.'' Bill Clinton storms into his office and
    demaned to know who did it. So his two body guards run out to find out
    who it was.
    Five hours later the two gaurds come back in, they told Bill, ''We
    have some bad news, and we have worse news.''
    ''What is the bad news?'' asked Bill.
    ''Well, the bad news is, we took a urine test, and it was his
    vice-president, Al Gore."
    " Whats the worst news?" asked Bill.
    The worst news is that it is Hillary's hand writing!"

    Bill Clinton was arriving back to the White House from a trip to
    Arkansas with a pig under each arm. A secret serviceman greeted him.
    "Nice pigs, sir!"
    "Thank you. Though these are no ordinary pigs -- they're Arkansas
    Razorbacks! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea."
    "Nice trade, sir!"

    Q. Why can't Bill Clinton work at KFC?

    A. He can't keep his hands off the breasts and thighs.

    Dear U.S. Citizens,

    I have the distinguished honor of being on the committee to raise five
    million dollars for a monument of Bill Clinton. We originally wanted
    to put him on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough
    room for two more faces.

    We then decided to erect a statue of Bill Clinton in the Washington,
    DC Hall of Fame. However, we were in a quandary as to where the statue
    should be placed. It did not seem proper to place it beside the statue
    of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside Jesse Jackson,
    who never told the truth, since Bill Clinton could never tell the

    We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the
    greatest Democrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was going,
    did not know where he was, returned not knowing where he had been, and
    did it all on someone else's money.

    If you are one of the fortunate people who has anything left after
    paying taxes, we will expect a generous contribution to this
    worthwhile project.

    Thank You
    The Monument Committee

    Did you hear that former President Clinton is buying a house in
    North Carolina? He can't decide which city to live in, Blowing Rock or
    Morehead City.

    Time magazine sent a survey to women in Arkansas, asking for their
    opinions on the Clinton Sex Scandal. One of the questions: Would you
    ever have an affair with Bill Clinton? The results were staggering!
    5% -- No
    3% -- Yes
    92% -- Never Again

    One day Bill Clinton decides to go on a jog. While jogging he sees a
    hooker on the street corner and she says "Five bucks for a blowjob."
    Bill says, "I'll give you two dollars."The hooker says no and Bill
    shrugs and continues jogging.

    The next day he goes for another jog and sees the same hooker. Again
    she says "Five bucks for a blowjob," but Bill says no -- $2. She says
    no and Bill laughs and keeps jogging.

    The next day, Hillary goes with Bill on his jog and he passes hooker
    once again. The hooker looks over at Hillary and says, "You see what
    you get for two bucks?"

    Q: How do you keep Alec Baldwin from drowning?
    A1: You take your foot off his head.
    A2: Get the lead out of his ass.
    A3: Chisel the concrete off his feet.

    Q: What are the ingredients for the new, improved Clinton stew?
    A: One wiener, one tongue, one cooked goose, lots of spilled beans and
    hot water.

    What does Bill Clinton say to Hillary Clinton after having sex?

    "I will be home in 20 minutes, dear."

    Most wives whose husbands fool around have to worry about their
    husbands getting AIDS from sex.

    Hillary just has to worry about her husband getting sex from aides.

    Bill Clinton and Jesse Jackson are taking a post-workout shower.
    Bill looks down and says, ''Jesse, how'd you get that huge pecker?!''
    Jesse replies, ''All I do is whack it four times on the bedpost
    everynight.'' So, Bill sneaks upstairs and whacks his four time in the
    bedpost, whereupon Hillary wakes up and says, ''Is that you, Jesse?'''

    Bill Clinton went to Africa and, when he got back, Janet Reno asked
    him how Kenya was.
    ''I did not have sexual relations with that woman!''

    Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic?
    A: Only about 2000 people went down on the Titanic.

    Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
    A: Zero. He only screws interns.

    Back when Bill Clinton and Hillary got married Bill told her,
    "There's one thing I want you to know. There's a box under my bed and
    I don't want you to look in it until I die."
    Hillary agreed to this but, over the years, the curiosity got the
    better of her and she finally looked in it. She found three beer cans
    and 1.5 million dollars in cash.
    When she asked Bill what the beer cans were for, he replied, "Well,
    those are for all the times I've cheated on you."
    Hillary said, "Well, that's not bad after all these years and you
    being a politician and traveling and all."
    She was about to leave, but then she said, "Hey, Bill, what about the
    1.5 million dollars?"
    Bill replied, "That's for all the times the box got full and I had to
    cash the cans in."

    Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, but a mixup in the
    afterlife paperwork sends them to the wrong places: the Pope goes to
    hell and Bill goes to heaven. After a couple of days they fix this
    problem and the Pope gets on the escalator to go to heaven and Bill
    gets on the other to go to hell. The two pass each other on the way
    and Bill asks, "How bad was it down there?" The Pope says, "Not that
    bad, kind of hot and noisy, but I am glad to be going up to heaven
    now. There's one thing up there I have been looking forward to." Bill
    asks, "What is that?" The Pope replies, "I want to meet the Virgin
    Mary." Bill, shakes his head sheepishly and whispers to the Pope, "Too

    Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and the Secretary of Defense all wanted to go
    to Oz, to visit the Wizard of Oz. Bill looked at Al and asked him why
    he wanted to go. Al said that he needed a brain, and Bill agreed with

    Then, Bill asked the Secretary of Defense why he wanted to go, and he
    said that he needed a heart. Bill also agreed with him. Then both
    looked at Bill and asked him why he was going. He answered, "I'm
    looking for Dorothy!"

    Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy?
    A: One tries to hump the leg of every woman and the other is a
    chocolate lab!

    A little boy wanted to be Bill Clinton for Halloween, but he
    couldn't get door-to-door with his pants around his ankles.

    What did President Clinton say when he was asked to compare the
    Paula Jones scandal with the Monica Lewinski scandal?

    ''Close but no cigar.''

    What did President Clinton name his new computer business?

    LAP TOPings

    Similarities between the Titanic video and the Clinton grand jury
    testimony video:

    Titanic: $9.99 on the Internet
    Clinton: $9.99 on the Internet

    Titanic: over 3 hours long
    Clinton: over 3 hours long

    Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, a
    subsequent catastrophe
    Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, a
    subsequent catastrophe

    Titanic: villain - White Star Line
    Clinton: villain - Ken Starr

    Titanic: Jack is a starving artist
    Clinton: Bill is a B.S. artist

    Titanic: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar
    Clinton: Ditto for Bill

    Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined
    Clinton: Ditto for Monica

    Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit
    Clinton: Let's not go there

    Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry
    Clinton: Monica forced to return her gifts

    Titanic: Behind the scenes, Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular
    Clinton: Behind the scenes, Bill has a 70% approval rating

    Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death
    Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary

    Q: Do you know why Bill Clinton doesn't use bookmarks?
    A: Because he likes to bend pages!

    Why does Bill Clinton wear boxers?

    To keep his ankles warm!

    Re: DNA Test Results: Clinton, William Jefferson

    Dear Mr. Starr:

    The test on the dress came back inconclusive. Everyone in Arkansas has
    the same DNA.


    The FBI

    An atomic bomb went off in Washington and everyone died. Bill
    Clinton arrived in hell and waited patiently to meet with the devil.
    When his turn came up, Satan said, ''Bill, you're stuck here for
    eternity, but since you were the president, we're going to give you
    some options as to how you would like to spend your time here.''

    With that, the devil led Bill Clinton to a series of large black
    doors. Behind the first door, Ronald Reagan was pushing a large
    boulder up a hill, only to have it fall down the other side. He would
    then turn and push it up that side, only to have it fall again and
    again. Clinton looked at Satan and said, ''I don't like the looks of
    that very much, let's move on.''

    Behind the second door, Hitler was staked in the hot desert sand with
    the 200 degree sun burning down on his body. Clinton looked at satan
    and said, ''Let's move on.''

    The devil then took Clinton to another room where Kenneth Starr was
    standing. Monica Lewinsky was on her knees performing oral sex on him.
    Clinton looked at the devil and said, ''I think I can handle this for
    an eternity.'' Satan smiled and said, ''Monica, your replacement's

    Q: What is Bill Clinton's favorite card game?
    A: Poker.

    What's Bill Clinton's favorite game?

    Swallow the leader.

    This should be sung to the tune "A Few of My Favorite Things" from
    the movie"The Sound of Music"

    Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
    Big Macs and French fries and girls with big faces,
    Lots of nice cleavage that makes Willie spring,
    These are a few of my favorite things

    Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers,
    Horny young interns who while 'way the hours,
    Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
    These are a few of my favorite things

    When that Jones bites,
    When Ken Starr stings,When I'm feeling sad,
    I simply remember my favorite things,
    And then I don't feel so bad

    Beating the draft board and getting elected,
    Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected,
    Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
    These are a few of my favorite things

    Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,
    Falling down drunk that required knee surgery
    Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
    These are a few of my favorite things

    Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,
    States of the Union with lots of baloney,
    Winning debates and the joy of my flings,
    These are a few of my favorite things

    What were Bill Clinton's Final Four picks?

    Morehead State, Ball State University, Brigham Young University, and
    Oral Roberts University.

    Members of Congress...people of America....I banged her. I banged
    her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think
    Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you
    haven't been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried
    to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because
    they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former
    Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy. Which isn't to say I don't
    appreciate Hillary...I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through
    her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas,
    and she'd be married to the President.

    So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI
    files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean
    wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to
    Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed
    every ass that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good.

    Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I
    was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned
    out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an
    aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place called

    Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same
    Alzheimer's he came in with. There was Carter before him who brought
    you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium
    drip had just kicked in. Nixon before that coined, but never really
    understood, the concept of 'plausible deniability,' and almost got a
    one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing.

    Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution
    to American society was Agent Orange.

    And Johnny Kennedy, who was more than a little naughty himself, didn't
    hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic
    for beaver-wrestling shared by at least a dozen former residents of
    the White House.

    Which brings me back to my point. Since I have been strumming the
    banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The
    budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute
    to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently.
    Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a
    night-watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a
    full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college
    who can spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual
    maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is
    coming from.

    Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my
    pecker showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with
    your daughter...unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and
    then I'd like to discuss it. I may be a pervert, but I'm also a
    realist. I know that if the economy was going down the crapper, I'd-a
    been out on my fat ass after the '96 election. But I'm a lucky
    pervert-the economy is hotter than Paula Jones in a leather teddy. So
    think about where you are today and what kind of life you're living
    before you get too interested in where I'm parking the Presidential

    Q: How do you know Bill Clinton is done having sex?
    A: You have to wipe the Whitewater off your dress...

    President Clinton opened doors for future presidents. Now not only
    will there be a First Lady and First Children, but also First Ho.

    Q: What does Clinton say to interns as they leave his office?
    A: Don't hit your head on the desk!

    When did Bill Clinton go to Victoria's Secret?

    When the panties were half off!

    Q: Why did Bill Clinton give up the saxophone?
    A: Because he had a hor-monica.

    What will Bill Clinton always be remembered for as history goes on?

    He's after Bush.

    Q: What did Clinton say when asked if he had used protection?

    A: "Sure, there was a guard standing right outside the door."

    What's Bill Clinton's definition of safe sex?

    When Hillary's out of town!

    Bill Clinton was recently seen smoking a pipe. When asked why he
    wasn't smoking a cigar he said, ''Cigars are for pussies."

    Bill Clinton calls his intern. ''Come into the Oval Office. I want
    to show this new watch that I got today.'' She goes inside and closes
    the door.
    ''Where is this watch you're talking about?'' He pulls down his pants.
    ''Right here!!''
    ''That's not a watch!'' she says with astonishment.
    ''It will be once you put two hands and a face on it!''

    Chelsea had the most exciting news. She burst into the room
    shouting, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news! Nick asked me to marry
    him. He is like the biggest hunk in Washington. We are supposed to get
    married next month.

    Bill took Chelsea in the back and said, "Chelsea, you're mother,
    although an ideal administrator and public speaker, has never had much
    to offer in the sack, so, as you might have heard, I have been known
    to fool around with other ladies on occassion. Your boyfriend Nick
    happens to be the product of one of my love making sessions. He is my
    son and thusly, he is your half-brother."

    Chelsea ran out of the office screaming, "Not another brother!"

    She rushed to her mother's side, telling her about her all about dad's
    shameful behavior and how every man she dated turns out to be one of
    her father's illegitimate sons.

    Hillary began to laugh and said, "Don't pay any attention to him. He
    isn't really your father anyway."

    Was Gary Condit's sexual conduct the same as Bill Clinton's?

    Close, but no cigar.

    Senator Hillary Clinton snuck off to visit a fortuneteller of some
    local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball,
    the mystic delivered grave news.

    "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare
    yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible
    death this year."

    Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the
    single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep
    breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the
    fortuneteller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

    "Will I be acquitted?"

    Hillary Clinton went for her annual exam. After the exam, the
    OB-GYN told her that she was pregnant, and in great shape. Hillary
    couldn't believe the news and stormed out of the office. She rushed to
    her limo and picked up the phone to call the Oval Office.
    "You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?" There is a
    silence on the other end. Finally, she hears Bill's voice.
    "Who is this?''

    Q: What will history remember Bill Clinton as?
    A: The President after Bush!

    Listen my children, and you shall hear
    Of the midday trysts of Bill and dear.
    'Twas late in November of '95
    Hardly a man is now alive

    Who talks of anything else over beer.
    An intern there was, full of vixenish verve
    Who, seeing the President, summoned her nerve
    And flashed him a sign, through the noise and the throng.
    She was wearing a smile. She was wearing a thong.

    "One if by hand, two if by knee
    And there by your side in a wink shall I be
    Ready to serve my commander-in-chief,
    And just like your underwear choice, I'll be brief!"

    Yikes, my dear children, here's what happened next
    (Just press, please, to get the full text):
    The chief let his guard down. His zipper went with it
    And then, I'm afraid, it gets much more explicit.

    They groped in the office like some cheap clich
    They hugged in a crowd while she wore her beret.
    They did it while he spoke with Reps on the phone
    (Who wondered why welfare reform made him groan).

    Expressing the lust that he felt for this lass
    He gave her (but did not inhale) "Leaves of Grass."
    And could it be thus David fell for his Sheba?
    She gave him (but did not inhale) a Cohiba.

    After a while, though, the Prez got some sense
    He and his aides bid the hussy go hence.
    They hoped that this signaled the end of this mess
    But they hadn't counted on Starr. Or that dress.

    Or those tapes! How Starr cherished the Tripp dirt on Bubba.
    He'd hook his white whale and reduce him to blubba!
    The Prez made it easy by swearing that he
    Had never felt more than her pain, basically.

    Eight months later came boxes a-brimming
    With details that most of us squirmed some while skimming
    And fin'ly the President faced us, contrite:
    "I've sinned, I was wrong, yadda, yadda -- all right?"

    The pols said, "Let's hang him!" The polls said let's not.
    His wife stood beside him, which took quite a lot
    And that's where we leave him, a schnook among schnooks
    He's no Paul Revere, but he's one for the books.


    President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an
    administrative foul-up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope was
    sent to hell. The Pope explained the situation to the devil who
    acknowledged the error. The Pope was told, however, that it would take
    about 24 hours to fix the problem. The next day, the Pope was sent off
    to heaven. On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down. They
    stopped to chat.

    "Sorry about the mix-up" said the Pope. "Though I''m really excited
    about going to heaven."

    "Why''s that?"

    "I''ve always wanted to meet the Virgin Mary."

    "You''re about a day late."

    What's the difference between Ronald Reagan and Bill Clinton?

    Ronald Reagan was an actor before he was President.

    What's the difference between Clinton and a screwdriver?
    A screwdriver turns in screws, and Clinton screws interns!

    Q: Did you hear about the Bill Clinton sale at clothing stores on
    President's day?
    A: All pants half off!

    My new computer's the Bill Clinton Model. It's gotta 2 inch hard
    drive, no memory and it keeps going down.

    Bill Clinton is out jogging around in some of the seedier areas of
    Washington D.C. He notices a good looking prostitute. She sees him and
    calls out, "Fifty dollars!"
    He's tempted, but the price is a little high so he calls back, "Five!"
    She's disgusted and turns away while Bill continues his jog. A few
    days later, he finds himself jogging in the same area and as luck
    would have it, the prostitute is still there. But she won't come down
    on her price. "Fifty!" she shouts.
    Bill answers her, "Five!" No sale.
    About a week later, Hillary has decided that she wants to get into
    shape so she demands to go jogging with Bill. They get to the seedy
    part of town and the same prostitute is still there. She eyes Bill and
    Hillary together and yells, "See what you get for five dollars!"

    Q: What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon,
    and Bill Clinton?
    A: Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and
    Clinton doesn't know the difference!